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    The Lazy Man's Guide to Life
    The Lazy Man's Guide to Life
    The Lazy Man's Guide to Life
    Ebook156 pages2 hours

    The Lazy Man's Guide to Life

    By Fred Johns

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    About this ebook

    There are how-to books, step-by-step books and who-to-copy books. There are psychology titles, self-help studies and spiritual contemplations. There are books filled with know-how, advice and guidance. There's even Chicken Soup for most everyone. However, there's not a bit of help for lazy men. Until now.

    This book is important because those of us without ambition really can't find guidance anywhere. There are role models for the good and the bad but no role models for the weary. You see, men with ambition have no problem. They are able to find teachers and role models and mentors. But what about the rest of us?

    Men with a lazy streak (and we all know they are the majority) have a significant problem living a successful life while also enjoying it at the same time. The key is surviving without ambition while still being able to cope in a world that is increasingly expecting more from men, especially, their women. Being lazy and successful presents quite a challenge and requires many actual skills. This book will serve as your mentor. Herein I share the secrets I have learned and the observations I have made (between naps, of course).

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherFred Johns
    Release dateOct 21, 2011
    ISBN9781465938589
    The Lazy Man's Guide to Life

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      Book preview

      The Lazy Man's Guide to Life - Fred Johns

      Visit my Facebook page and share your tips!

      Copyright 2011 Fred Johns

      Cover design by http://MotherSpider.com

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      FORWARD

      (OR WHY THIS BOOK WAS NECESSARY)

      As I began writing this book I found myself in a bookstore one afternoon just totally amazed at the amount of self-help material available. At first I was discouraged. Then I looked a little deeper and began to realize my insight was unique. There are how-to books, step-by-step books and who-to-copy books. There are psychology titles, self-help studies and spiritual contemplations. There are books filled with know-how, advice and guidance. There's even Chicken Soup for most everyone. However, there's not a bit of help for lazy men. Until now!

      I'm so terribly lazy myself this book barely got written. In fact, as I write this, who knows if I’ll be able to muster the energy to complete it, much less get it into the hands of you, the reader (I guess if someone other than me is reading this it’s a good start!).

      It's been written one thought at a time. Some weeks I can't bear to add one word to it. Still I continue and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's in the desperate hope that enough lazy men in need of advice will buy this book that I can become more leisurely myself. But I think the real reason is that I feel this is my gift. Lazy enough to survive the rat race but resourceful enough to live a successful life. Plus, even lazy men would like to somehow leave a legacy and this is my chance.

      This collection of observations and suggestions, I feel, is my legacy. This book is important because those of us without ambition really can't find guidance anywhere. There are role models for the good and the bad but no role models for the weary.

      You see, men with ambition have no problem. There have been thousands of books written for them. You merely need the wherewithal to apply yourself to something more meaningful than a pint of ice cream or for a longer duration than a televised football game. With ambition you can make anything of yourself and the ambitious do it all the time.

      They are able to find teachers and role models and mentors. But what about the rest of us? The ones who just could never quite care enough? Those of us who adopted Alfred E Newman’s motto, What, Me Worry? Those of us who could never really decide what we wanted to be—other than easy-going. There were never any books for us. Nobody ever came to me and said, I know you; what you really want is to live a normal life but you’ll never be accused of being a workaholic, or being driven, or even being real willing to go along for the ride. You’re Ferdinand the Bull (Remember that children’s story? All the other bulls wanted to be chosen for the bullfight in Madrid but all Ferdinand wanted to do was sit under the cork tree and smell the flowers). But your lack of ambition is okay. There are many like you and Ferdinand and I can show you how to be successful without being a success. But this doesn’t happen to us lazy men. The unmotivated can never find a mentor (Perhaps this is because the act of mentoring takes effort).

      A single man with little responsibility may not even realize just how lazy he is. He has so much free time he can enjoy himself and still be as lazy as his eight-year old golden retriever who hasn’t been asked to retrieve anything in years. It is easy for that man without a life to be lazy and enjoy the healthy amount of leisure time he has grown accustomed to. However, if a man wants a fulfilling life complete with a career, significant other, and even kids, he is going to face a real challenge continuing his leisurely pace. For those few with true ambition that is not a problem. Men who have a lazy streak (and we all know they are the majority) have a significant problem living a successful life while also enjoying it at the same time. The key is surviving without ambition while still being able to cope in a world that is increasingly expecting more from men, especially, their women. Being lazy and successful presents quite a challenge and requires many actual skills. This book will serve as your mentor. Herein I share the secrets I have learned and the observations I have made (between naps, of course).

      For example, when my father and mother had me, Dad wasn’t allowed near the delivery room. Everything was as it should be — everything made sense. A doctor, two nurses and a woman about to give birth. Four people who actually know something about the process of delivering a baby. My father bought cigars, waited for the good news and passed them out when I made my entry into the world. He was the only one who didn’t break a sweat.

      However, when my son was born there I was, thrown into the mix with absolutely nothing to add but no chance of contemplating life in the waiting room. In reality I was an obstruction — to the obstetrician, the nurses and my wife. For people so insistent that I show up they certainly did not act as if they appreciated my attendance. I was always somehow getting in the way even though I had nothing to do. Sure, they told me I was coaching but they appreciated it about as well as the kids on our T-ball team a few years later. Every comment I made was apparently the wrong thing to say. Suddenly I’d feel the doctor and nurses leering at me from behind their masks as if to say, Can’t you come up with anything better to say than that? If I were silent, I would often get a similar look as in, Can’t you think of anything to say? Really, in birthing class, instead of trying to explain to a man so many parts of a woman’s body he isn’t interested when a baby’s coming out of her they should train us to make appropriate comments and provide acceptable encouragement. We really need an approved script more than anything else. Perhaps that would make the important day much easier on everyone.

      And my wife certainly didn’t appreciate my participation either. It’s as if I were to blame for deciding childbirth should include a little discomfort. Okay, extreme pain. But I’m an innocent. I didn’t make the rules and I didn’t ask, wouldn’t it be nice to have a baby? I was just there trying to be the big help I was told I would be (the lie they tell men to get us to attend). I got the idea I really wasn’t helping crystal clear and the only time you’ll get a brief reprieve is if you offer to leave!

      We should also be better prepared for what comes out. It’s not just a baby. Everyone else seems to know what to expect. Lots of blood, fluid, and things I can’t begin to spell accurately enough to enlist the help of my spell check. Men don’t see stuff like that unless we are watching a science fiction movie. And we all know it’s just Hollywood special effects and ketchup. Real blood is different and it’s scary. We do not know that what we are watching is normal. When it’s over they are suddenly esthetic while we stand there traumatized. Finally get to make our little contribution. They make us cut the cord. By the way, we’re still expected to recover from the trauma and do the cigar thing.

      So, you see, the women’s liberation movement wasn’t just about women. Men of my generation are now moving much more frequently than they used to. We are expected to do so much more. You’ll need to make a conscious effort, complete with strategic thinking, to survive experiences like the above. Without my help a typical, lazy man cannot keep pace with family life in this current generation of inclusion.

      Observationally speaking, I have been blessed and I must thank two friends who shall remain nameless to protect the wonderful lives they’ve built (for them it truly is a wonderful life - not because they saved Bedford Falls but because they can be completely invisible when they want to be). There are degrees of laziness and then there are these two. Each in his own way is completely useless and developmentally arrested. While I have my own special skills they have had the foresight to accomplish things I did not dare dream. In this day and age they each have wives who are able to stay at home and, voluntarily, take care of almost every family necessity except being the bread winners. HA! Bread winners! These two friends also found well-paying careers that require such little effort that they have more leisure time than most high school boys. Quite admirable for guys who usually demonstrated the ambition of a sloth.

      As I mentioned, throughout this book it will become clear that living a reasonably successful yet inactive life does not happen by accident. There is a lot of skill and planning involved but it’s not too taxing if you’re smarter than a door knob. The key to being successfully lazy is to hide your slothfulness so you can enjoy every minute of leisure time sans nagging or stress. Foresight is required to avoid setting up unreasonable expectations for the amount of involvement you plan to spend in the lives of others. Certain times of the year, like Holidays, can be physically, emotionally and psychologically draining if you don’t learn how to limit your participation. Household chores can leave you without free time unless you limit your actual contributions. Shopping is not something you want to get wrapped up in. Relatives can really wear you down if you let them.

      The following chapters are designed to address these, and other, potential pitfalls. The things that will be your main challenges to being as leisurely as your unmotivated mind motivates you to be. After all, the constitution did grant us the right life, liberty and the pursuit of laziness.

      CHAPTER 1: COMMUNICATION

      A book has been written entitled, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, or some such nonsense, by some Einstein who asserts he’s discovered why men are different than women. I would have simply entitled my book, Men are lazy, women are not. He states that men want to solve problems and women want to talk about them. Actually, it’s more like men want to get other people to solve their problems and certainly don’t have the energy to get involved in someone else’s troubles. Women like to thoroughly discuss issues and help solve everyone’s problems. Think about it. Look at the way they handle business. While women complain about anything that isn’t quite right men try to ignore issues until they go away. Men actually think they are doing business when they’re out golfing with associates or sitting in some luxury box. When is the last time you heard of women conducting a meeting on a golf course?

      The author of the previously mentioned wonder book also states that women just want men to listen. Yeah, right. And what will we usually be listening to? That we need to get more involved in their lives, our kids lives, our families lives…that all translates succinctly into, Don’t be so lazy! That’s why so many men seem married to their careers. Often it’s easier to be lazy at work than at home. At work men fill up their days with lunch meetings, coffee breaks, clam bakes, sporting events—we call this networking. I’ve never seen a woman that couldn’t finish a man’s ten-hour workday in five hours.

      Basic communication is different. Take phone conversations, for instance. When my wife says she wants to make a quick call I know she’ll be out of commission for a good twenty minutes. A regular call is a forty-five minute call. If she says she’s making an important phone call I might as well take the kids to the park because that call may last over an hour. When a man makes a quick call it lasts a minute. A regular call may take five minutes and an important call might take twenty

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