Tweet Treats: The Most Hilarious Twitter Tweets Ever!
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About this ebook
You really are ‘in for a Tweet!’
Titter at Twitter with these witty, twitty, Tweets for every occassion.
With only 140 characters available, its not just hard to know what to write, its also hard to fit it all in!
Allow me to help with this hilarious book of random Tweets. You’ll be sure to give your followers a giggle!
Andrew Campbell
Andrew Campbell was born in Newtownards, Northern Ireland in 2078. After graduating from the Irish Space Engineering College in 2098, he invented and built the World's first fully-functioning Time Machine. During early testing of the prototype, he mistakenly travelled back to 2012 where it smashed into a tree on arrival. Now stuck in 2012, Andrew has been desperately searching for a way to fund purchase of the spare parts he needs to return home. Andrew delivers pizzas, helps elderly ladies, washes cars and sells books online. So far, he's collected £4.56 of the £37million he needs to return home.
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Book preview
Tweet Treats - Andrew Campbell
Introduction
You really are ‘in for a Tweet!’
Titter at Twitter with these witty, twitty, Tweets for every occassion.
With only 140 characters available, its not just hard to know what to write, its also hard to fit it all in!
Allow me to help with this hilarious book of random Tweets. You’ll be sure to give your followers a giggle!
Tweet Treats
I decided to cancel my Twitter account. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but I’m pretty sure people are following me.
*****
Some get paid advertising fees to mention products in their Tweets! That's nearly as crazy as the rides at Benny's Fairground! Open till 9pm
*****
My first Tweet today!
My fwend got me a gweat big Ice Cweam!
My Dad fell into an upholstery machine last week! He’s fully recovered now.
*****
My friend is going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a hill. Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.
*****
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
The real secret in business is honesty. Once you learn how to fake that, you'll make a fortune.
*****
My dad asked me to help him with a risky job installing a high level fence. I said 'No, way!' The stakes were far too high.
*****
I just tried a gravy drink for the first time. I didn’t like it; the carrot batons kept poking me in the eye.
My girlfriend is a porn star. She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.
*****
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame
*****
My uncle works in digital radio. He's a DAB hand.
My wife doesn't mind what I do as long as I don't enjoy it.
*****
Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.
*****
I had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing.
While working in the library earlier, a bloke asked me, Do you have a bookmark?
I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name's Andrew?
*****
I gave up my job as Pool maintenance man. It was continuously draining.
*****
My Dad wants me to be an Historian but there’s no future in a job like that.
My girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it; she lets me lick it off her. She's a cracker.
*****
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
*****
My wife and I were exchanging words in the bedroom last night. She loves a good