A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
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About this ebook
From the Introduction:
Okay, first of all, if you're looking for the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E.L. James, this ain't it. Sorry about that, dang those stupid search engines, now go and try again. Second, what you're reading here is just for guys. If you're a woman, please stop reading right now and go back to the real book. There's nothing here to interest you.
Are they gone? Good. Okay guys, now pay attention. This is important. You may be here because your girlfriend or wife was excited about the previously mentioned book. Perhaps she even wanted you to read it. She probably said it would spice up your sex life, and what guy wouldn't be in favor of that?
Trust me - you do not want to read the book. It was written by a woman, for women. Most guys will find it dull, stupid, tiresome and waaaay too long. The ratio of tedious inner female monologue to sex scenes is about fifty shades of boring to one.
However, here's the rub: You do need to know something about it. Why? Because your odds of having hot sex with your sweetie will go up exponentially if you do. For some reason, a lot of women absolutely love this book. It gets them all hot and bothered, in a good way. You've probably heard that it's been called "mommy porn," and you're like, "okay, porn is good, what's not to like about that?" But guess what? There are no pictures! Seriously, you'll see more skin in a Sears' ad than this book.
But hold on cowboy, you're in luck. I've done all the hard work for you. I've plodded through the mind numbing boring stuff (and believe me, there's whole lot of it.) I'll give you the plot summary, highlight the sex scenes, and more importantly, teach you the things guys need to learn from this book. Just look for my tips throughout. You can thank me now or later. Consider it my gift to mankind, emphasis on the "man." Ready? Set. Go!
Tom Paolangeli
Tom M. Paolangeli is an award winning humor writer living in Ithaca, NY. He's a firm believer in the 3 R's - Reading, Racing, and Rock and Roll. (Wait, is that 4?) He is happily married and they love living in the country with lots of trees and critters.
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A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey - Tom Paolangeli
A Guy’s Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
By Tom M. Paolangeli
Copywrite 2012 by Tom M. Paolangeli
Smashwords Edition (1.2, 10/13)
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Note and Disclaimer: This is a satiric commentary about the book Fifty Shades of Grey
by E.L James. It is not authorized or in any way endorsed by Ms. James or her publishers. Mr. Paolangeli would certainly welcome any such endorsement, but even he isn’t deluded enough to expect it any time soon, or ever.
Once, at sunset, near the orange and black river, a young dachnik with a riding crop in his hand bowed to her in passing; whereupon she blushed like a girl in a novel but only said, with a spirited sneer, that he had never ridden a horse in his life.
- Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 - Craps Quirks and Flushes
Chapter 2 - Biting Lips and Long Index Fingers
Chapter 3 - A Hitch in Time
Chapter 4 - Rare Books and Drunken Women
Chapter 5 - One. Word. Sentences.
Chapter 6 - Lip Thumbing
Chapter 7 - Whips and Chains
Chapter 8 - Finally, a Sex Scene
Chapter 9 - Bathing and Biting
Chapter 10 - More Flushing and Hitching
Chapter 11 - Colonial Speech Economy
Chapter 12 - Belly Button Cocktails
Chapter 13 - Car Tips
Chapter 14 - Pom Poms
Chapter 15 - Panting Goddesses
Chapter 16 - Let’s Spend the night Together
Chapter 17 - Ob Gyn
Chapter 18 - Quirking and Giggling
Chapter 19 - Meet the Greys
Chapter 20 - Silver Balls
Chapter 21 - Sex and Flush
Chapter 22 - Georgia on My Mind
Chapter 23 - Well Bite My …
Chapter 24 - Backflips and Cartwheels
Chapter 25 - Agonizing Orgasms
Chapter 26 - It Ain’t Really Over, You Know
About Tom
Bonus Material (Episode One from An American’s Guide to Downton Abbey
)
Introduction
Okay, first of all, if you’re looking for the book Fifty Shades of Grey
by E.L. James, this ain’t it. Sorry about that, dang those stupid search engines, now go and try again. Second, what you’re reading here is just for guys. If you’re a woman, please stop reading right now and go back to the real book. There’s nothing here to interest you.
Are they gone? Good. Okay guys, now pay attention. This is important. You may be here because your girlfriend or wife was excited about the previously mentioned book. Perhaps she even wanted you to read it. She probably said it would spice up your sex life, and what guy wouldn’t be in favor of that?
Trust me - you do not want to read the book. It was