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    Eats, Shites & Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It
    Eats, Shites & Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It
    Eats, Shites & Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It
    Ebook295 pages2 hours

    Eats, Shites & Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It

    By A. Parody

    3/5

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    About this ebook

    Featuring a plethora of examples that show how to get the worst out of the world's most commonly spoken language, Eats, Shites and Leaves is a wittily informative insight into how the English language can be used and abused in the twenty-first century
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateJul 20, 2014
    ISBN9781782432890
    Eats, Shites & Leaves: Crap English and How to Use It
    Author

    A. Parody

    Irreverent, hilarious and always on-trend, A. Parody is the tongue-in-cheek author of several eccentrically - indeed, irresponsibly - compiled works, including the timeless classic Eat, Shites and Leaves.

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    Reviews for Eats, Shites & Leaves

    3/5

    47 ratings6 reviews

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    • 3/5
      A parody of the well written, highly readable Eats Shoots and Leaves this book basically consists of lists of grammatical errors, confusing English words and slang from various parts of the English-speaking world. George W. Bush gets an entire page for his grammatical errors and there are some other American politicians that are very heavily featured; but the book is obviously written by a Brit and Brits always feel that Americans are the biggest basterdizers of the English language. (Not that any of the errors are simply interpretation thing, they are really really wrong.)
    • 2/5
      Not nearly as funny as it should have been, given the wealth of material provided by those who write about how English should be used, written, spoken, texted, etc. etc. etc. In fact, not really very funny at all. Maybe if I were English it would find it more amusing.
    • 3/5
      Clever, but it would have been better had I not already seen most of the material in Anguished English and forwarded emails. Still, it was a nice little read and I enjoyed learning about the origins of certain cliches. Took me all of a day to read.
    • 5/5
      I think I actually prefer this to Eats, Shoots and Leaves (the book it's parodying) - and I loved that one anyway! Another excellent and brilliantly funny book on the English language.
    • 4/5
      A very funny book on common mistakes made within the English language. I pride myself on my grammar but even I found that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.If you hate stupid people you'll love this book.
    • 4/5
      I read this before reading Eats, Shoots, and Leaves, and I have to admit, it's brilliant. The English language is too fluid in order to keep to such rigid language constructs as educators would have us. The language needs to be flexible in order to be the beautiful, poetic language it can be. Just look at Shakespeare: he made the English language something to be proud of by tossing aside many of the rules of the day.

    Book preview

    Eats, Shites & Leaves - A. Parody

    Anon.

    THE COMPLETE RULES OF GOOD WRITING (1)

    To help avoid any misunderstanding about the scope of this book, it would be as well to pay close attention to the following rules.

    A writer should not annoy half of his readers by using gender-specific language.

    Always finish what you star

    Avoid overuse of ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

    Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

    Always avoid annoying alliteration.

    Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

    Always pick on the correct idiom.

    A writer must not shift your point of view.

    Avoid clichés like the plague – they’re so old hat.

    Be more-or-less specific.

    Consult the dictonary frequently to avoid mispeling.

    Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

    Contractions aren’t necessary.

    ‘Easy reading is damned hard writing.’

    Nathaniel Hawthorne

    TEN EXAMPLES OF CRAP ENGLISH

    A comma here and a hyphen there would make all the difference to these needlessly misleading sentences.

    1. Waitresses required for breakfast.

    2. The box contained old Enid Blytons sex books and videos.

    3. She liked cooking Delia Smith in particular.

    4. He put on his dress shirt and shoes.

    5. Slow workmen in road.

    6. I decided on an alteration of course.

    7. Elephants please stay in your car.

    8. Playground fine for littering.

    9. The man who hunts ducks out on weekends.

    10. Monster man eating shark.

    WORDS’ WORTH: TEN HIGHLY INACCURATE WORDS

    1. boxing ring – the playing area is square, not round.

    2. eggplant – there is no egg in eggplant.

    3. hamburger – there is no ham in hamburger.

    4. hot dog – there is no dog [one hopes] in this frankfurter sausage inserted in a bread roll.

    5. quicksand – this is sand in which one sinks slowly.

    6. pineapple – there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    7. sweetmeats – there is no meat in these.

    8. sweetbreads – there is neither bread nor sweetness in these meats.

    9. English muffins – these were not invented in England.

    10. French fries – these were not invented in France.

    NO WONDER CHILDREN AREN’T LEARNING GOOD ENGLISH IF THEY FOLLOW THESE EXAMPLES

    ‘Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken?

    What have you got to lose?’

    ‘Dinner Special: Turkey £2.35; Chicken or Beef £2.25; Children £2.00.’

    ‘No children aloud.’

    ‘Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.’

    ‘For anyone who has children and doesn’t know this, there is a crèche on the first floor.’

    ‘The older children will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.’

    ‘Scouts are saving cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.

    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.’

    THIS TREE IS A SYMBOL

    OF OUR MUM.

    PEACEFUL, STRONG AND

    SHELTERING FROM

    HER CHILDREN.

    ‘Children are as interested in books as they ever are.’

    BBC NEWS

    THE HALLMARKS OF BAD WRITING: SOME GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES

    1. The cotton clothing is usually made from grows in Mississippi.

    2. When Fred eats food gets thrown.

    3. The horse raced past the barn fell.

    4. Prime number few.

    5. We painted the wall with cracks.

    6. Fat people eat accumulates.

    7. Mary gave the child the dog bit a plaster.

    8. I convinced her children are noisy.

    9. Until the police arrest the drug dealers control the street.

    10. The dog that I had really loved bones.

    None of these ‘garden-path sentences’ is actually incorrect or incomplete, but if you find that you’re still up the garden path with them, here’s how they could also be written:

    1. The cotton that clothing is usually made from grows in Mississippi.

    2. When Fred eats his dinner food gets thrown.

    3. The horse which was raced past the barn, fell down.

    4. Prime people number

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