A Heart Full of Anger

A Heart full of Anger

By Sally Seymore

Copyright © 2014 by Sally Seymore

Smashwords Edition.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

First edition

ISBN 978-0-620-61711-6

Table of content

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Part 1

Chapter 1: In the beginning

Chapter 2: Running in circles

Chapter 3: Facing the music

Chapter 4: Paying for our sins

Chapter 5: A lady of strength

Chapter 6: Life carries on

Chapter 7: Where to from here?

Chapter 8: New beginnings

Part 2

Chapter 9: Julie’s Achilles heel

Chapter 10: Dead in the water

Chapter 11: Facing the future

Chapter 12: Searching for answers

Part 3

Chapter 13: Going with the flow

Chapter 14: Burning bridges

Chapter 15: Opening Pandora’s box

Part 4

Chapter 16: Follow the lead

Chapter 17: Finding your treasure

Chapter 18: The moment of truth

Chapter 19: The lessons of life

Chapter 20: That what makes us complete

Chapter 21: Oh daddy, she cried

Chapter 22: Making up for lost time

Chapter 23: Old hurts

Part 5

Chapter 24: Never let me go

Chapter 25: Forgive me

Chapter 26: Peace be with you

Author’s note

About the author

Acknowledgements

While developing stories I tend to get totally engrossed in my characters; they become alive…real people…but still, at that point in time it is still only in my imagination. My experience to date has been that while I write, my world becomes a lonely place…a journey which I have to take on my own…to the world of make-believe…that which a novel is all about. As a writer I have to take responsibility for my characters, live their emotions and their actions even if it conflicts with who I am. At times it can get quite confusing, particularly with many characters in a story and more so at the times when they are in conflict with themselves and with one another. I am sure many authors share this feeling.

Writing a Heart full of Anger – a family saga – was a challenge, especially as it is completely different from my first book (Now and Forever), a romance.

It was however good to know that I could call on friends to critically read my work – to be honest about its shortcomings, where more action was needed or about the believability of it all. I realise criticism is not always easy to give to friends – even when asked for, but I accept that it is in the interest of a good plot; and for that reason I appreciate it from my heart.

First of all I would like to thank my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, whom I often called on to help me put the words down on paper. Secondly thanks to hubby Garry, for your friendship and unwavering support, and for challenging me to tackle more difficult projects. Furthermore, I am ever grateful to my friends Brenda Payne, Erika Boshoff and Tammi Eastland, with whom I could discuss the storyline and who were willing to critically read the manuscript as I developed it. Then last but not least, a huge thank you to Elze le Roux, a professional Language Practitioner and a friend, who offered to do the final proofreading as a favour. It is really with heartfelt thanks to all of you that I was able to conclude this book.

Thank you to those who have downloaded this book. I hope you enjoy reading it and would really appreciate it if you could take the time afterwards and write a short review on Amazon.

Prologue

It was a perfect day; sunny, clear blue skies and windless. The temperature peaked at a comfortable twenty-seven degrees. A new year has started and many people tried to make the most of the last stretch of their long annual break, before daily commitments started to take its toll.

The cable-car station at the bottom of Table Mountain was crowded with holidaymakers and locals alike, but for the O’Conner household, as for many others, the cool water of the sea was a much better option.

Patrick arrived early with his family at Clifton Beach, where they secured their spot for the day. While Miriam got comfortable, he took off his shirt and challenged Lyle and Carla for a race to the water. Suddenly Lyle’s shrill little voice shouted, Daddy, daddy, let’s build sand castles! He hugged them and walked closer to the water, where they sat down in the sand and set about their task. Miriam smiled lovingly at her family, as she wriggled her body onto the sand and started reading her book.

They had spent their vacation at home, enjoying the beach, fresh sea air and all that Cape Town had to offer. For Lyle and Carla it was their best holiday yet, mainly because they were too young to remember any others they’ve had before. They had loads of fun; their daddy made them laugh and played different games with them, especially on the beach.

Patrick looked up when a girl in a tiny bikini walked past; he followed her with his eyes while she strolled down to the water, swaying her hips. It made him think of the new academic year that was about to start, bursting with activity: It’s that time of the year again…new students…new challenges. He smiled: The first-year students are a breed of their own…the arrogance…but, then some are anxious because they feel intimidated…or perhaps bewildered. He reflected on it while still watching her: It probably has to do with the magnitude of a tertiary institution, especially one like the University of Cape Town (UCT).

Suddenly Patrick’s thoughts were interrupted when Lyle pushed her face right in front of his; she pointed her index finger at him and wagged it while excitedly calling, Daddy, daddy you must build! He smiled at her, chuckled and gave her a hug, Oh, you’re a little missy – so bossy. But soon his mind drifted again – he started thinking of the time when he embarked on his lecturing career: It was indeed an honour to be appointed a junior lecturer, especially at the oldest university in South Africa. Besides it has a good name. But then he remembered the pressure on lecturers to perform – academic qualifications were non-negotiable and if not achieved soon enough could result in a lecturer losing his contract: Nonetheless, it has been a good learning curve for me, but I haven’t had sufficient time to complete my Masters and I only have this year left to finalise it. Damn, there’s still so much work to do before I can draw my research to a conclusion. Then I have to tackle my PhD. He pondered on it and then remembered that his study leader had also reminded him that he would have to get articles published; the only way to make progress and to get recognition in the academic world. Patrick glanced over his shoulder to see where the girl had gone and noticed that she had met up with some of her friends: That group must be about the age of my students. He smiled while watching them: They can be demanding at times, but teaching is my passion and…well, after all that’s what I get paid for. Suddenly Patrick felt panic rising in him: I’ve often wondered if I really have it in me? It’s a competitive world out there…dog eat dog, but Patrick quickly dismissed any negative thoughts and convinced himself that he looked forward to it all: There’s no second chance at UCT. You either make it or you don’t. He took a firm decision: I’ll just have to focus and make my mark this year.

Not far from them, Miriam laid stretched out on her towel, soaking up the sun. Every now and again she looked up from reading her book and watched the trio playing close by the water: I have everything I’ve ever wished for. Look at him… He’s so sexy…with his lithe, tanned body, which gives a special glow to his sandy hair. I love him so much and he’s an amazing father to his daughters. She put the book to one side and with her index finger drew figures in the sand, while sadly thinking: Oh well, the year is once again about to explode with activity. From next week everything would change and Patrick would be caught up at varsity once more. She smiled while she thought about him enjoying teaching and how he throws his heart and soul into it: He warned me that this would be a demanding year. She took her sun hat off, while shaking her hair free and realised that it will largely depend on her to keep the family together. She got up from the sand and sprinted down to the beach to join her family at their play.

Part 1

Chapter 1: In the beginning

As Julie entered the building she gave a little shudder: The atmosphere here is always impersonal ...very prim and proper. I’ve never liked it…it gives me the creeps. I wonder if all academic institutions are the same. But then a giggle escaped her lips, because it posed a challenge to her and Julie liked challenges: I think they do this on purpose. It’s a ploy to intimidate students in order to control their thoughts and minds. She smiled mischievously while briskly walking up the stairs and down the hall, until she reached his office. She hesitated for a moment, shook her long, light brown hair back to ensure that it was hanging freely over her shoulders. She knew the subtle blonde streaks gave it a silky look, and she smoothed her short skirt over her shapely hips. She was fully aware of the effect her grey-blue eyes had on men. Besides, she took great care with her make-up that morning and made sure it had maximum impact. She glanced briefly at the name displayed above the door: ‘Patrick O’Conner’, knocked softly and entered. She closed the door behind her and looked up, then turned to face him. She saw his face light up and they smiled broadly at each other. Hi, she said breathlessly, waiting for him to come to her. Hi, he greeted in return. He got up from behind his desk, which was in complete disarray with books and papers strewn all over it. He embraced her and buried his face in her neck; smelling her hair and perfume, his senses instantly responded and he knew that he wanted her.

Earlier that morning, shortly before classes had started for the day, Patrick had sat with his head in his hands thinking about his situation: What have I got myself into? But then he thought about the day before. He lifted his head and his eyes lit up, and suddenly he was marvelling about Julie: Yesterday was amazing! She was unbelievable! He smiled broadly: She knows exactly how to make a man lose all control. He had felt the heat rise up in him, but without warning his mind went back to the time he had started teaching…the time when the code of teaching was drummed into him. He knew very well that there was a professional line a lecturer may not cross: How did this happen? He thought about his past students: Of course there are attractive and sexy girls in my classes. There always have been. I’ve noticed them the same way any other heterosexual, young man would. Suddenly a panic rose up in him. He sat quietly for a moment and tried to get his breathing under control; he sighed heavily and then tried to pinpoint the moment this craziness had begun. His mind drifted back to the beginning of the academic year…

He became aware of Julie early on after classes had started; she stood out from other students with her quick mind and thirst for knowledge. She was eager to learn and from the first day she had ignored his rule that students stay behind in the lecture hall after class if they needed clarity on any of the notes or discussions. Instead, she had made a point of regularly coming to his office to discuss aspects of the subject matter, or instructions she had claimed were unclear. He knew he should have nipped this habit of hers in the bud there and then, but she was a diligent learner and so enthusiastic about her studies that he didn’t want to discourage her in any way. Julie was beautiful, and on top of it she had a good understanding of economics and how it influenced everyday life. She was a breath of fresh air, but it was more than that. Secretly, he had to admit that she had boosted his ego the way she constantly insisted on discussing her studies with him, sought clarity on issues and made it clear that she valued his advice. Besides, from the start he knew that she found him attractive. The way she looked at him…flirted with him; but to pinpoint exactly where it had started? Thinking back, one moment stood out:

He was in class illustrating the difference between two broad concepts – Macroeconomics and Microeconomics. He occasionally looked over the class seeking affirmation that everyone understood his explanation, but at a point in time she caught his attention, held his gaze for a moment – a moment too long – and their eyes locked. He had to admit that it threw him off balance – it forced him to stop and search his notes. Patrick liked to be in command, but he now remembered the annoyance he had felt as a slight blush crept up on his neck. After that the class continued like any other day and he thought no more of it, although he recalled that it had caused a stir inside him and for the first time he looked at her a little differently. Up to that day she was just another student, albeit one who didn’t stick to the rules and perhaps, if he was honest with himself, he favoured more than the others. But, a while later – in an instant – everything had changed.

He recalled how he went back to his office after class and started working on his research. He was deep in thought while going through some reference books, yet wasn’t surprised when he later heard her familiar rap on his door. It was as though he had expected it, but as she came into his office she laughingly said, Mr O’Conner, I hope you aren’t too busy. I enjoyed today’s class and would really like to discuss some of the work in more detail.

He once again felt that stir inside him, but looked at her feigning ignorance and asked, What work, Julie?

Oh, some concepts…let’s start with Demand and Supply, she had said full of confidence.

Patrick had indicated that she should take a seat at the small conference table in the corner of his office and he went to sit next to her. He invited her to continue, which she did without hesitation, As you explained earlier in class, I accept that there’s always an opportunity cost, which I understand to mean that nothing is ever totally free.

Patrick had allowed her to indulge because she was passionate about her arguments and he believed she had a genuine interest in this discipline and would hopefully take it further in her future studies. He laughed when she said she was confused about the role of unions and how they affected labour intensive production processes versus capital intensive processes. He remembered that he had started to illustrate the different concepts to her on paper. At one point in time she had looked up and mischievously, although somewhat flirtatiously, interrupted him. She reached out to indicate her dilemma and disagreement with his viewpoint. For a moment Patrick was puzzled, but then it suddenly came to him that she was not serious about her questions, but before he could really think about it, their hands had touched briefly. It was as though an electric current had passed through his body. His senses were suddenly on high alert and he knew he wanted more. When she had left that day, she hesitated for a moment at his desk and then walked to his bookcase in a premeditated action and picked up a portrait of Miriam, Lyle and Carla. Is this your family? she had asked after studying it and looked straight at him. Patrick remembered that he had blushed slightly, but boldly confirmed that it was. After she had left he had sadly expected it to be the end of Julie’s visits, but it was not to be.

Patrick remembered clearly the next time Julie came to see him.

He had looked up expectantly when he heard her at the door and when she entered he got up from behind his desk and walked eagerly towards her. She had closed the door behind her and stretched out her arms, walking to him. They had briefly hugged.

Their discussions that day were full of sexual tension and later when she left, she had stood on tiptoes and pecked him on the cheek, smiling wickedly as she looked back, leaving his office.

From there on hugging and kissing became regular and over time, more intense. He found himself looking forward to her visits to his office and the days she didn’t show up left him empty and moody. He started spending more time at the office, in case she would come. When she didn’t, he found himself going to the library, making sure he passed in front of Jameson Hall – the meeting place – where the students liked to sit between classes; he walked around the campus, always on the lookout for her. He now remembered how he wondered one day whether she was serious or just playing him along.

Patrick sat deep in thought, clearly remembering how their connection had suddenly intensified and his mind went to the previous day:

He woke that morning after hardly sleeping the night before; Miriam had taken ill during the night, My goodness, what happened last night?

Miriam gave a feeble laugh and said softly, I don’t know Patrick, but I’ve obviously picked up a tummy bug. I feel absolutely drained. I’m sure it will get better later, but poor you. Will you be okay at work today? I kept you awake for most of the night.

He had laughed uncomfortably and said, I’ll just have to. He kissed her goodbye and promised to contact her later to see how she was doing.

Miriam had phoned Patrick later saying she was feeling dreadful and asked him to pick up some items at the grocery shop on his way home.

Patrick recalled how he had left work a little earlier and went to the Gardens Shopping Centre; as he walked towards the grocery store he saw Julie – quite by chance – coming from the opposite end. She was genuinely surprised to see him and they eagerly exchanged greetings, Hello, Mr O’Conner, she had said sweetly, What on earth are you doing here? I didn’t know you lived in this area?

Hi Julie Patrick had smiled nervously. Oh, not too far from here… Clumsily he blurted out, My wife...umm...Miriam is not well and asked me to get some items she needed for the house. I’m not a regular shopper – I’m afraid I’m not very good at it.

For an instant Julie had looked disappointed, but she recovered her composure quickly and he thought he must have been mistaken. Oh well. Seeing that you are here...my place is around the corner. Why don’t you come up for a cup of coffee? I’d like to show you where I live. She had laughed charmingly and then said deviously, pulling her eyes to little slits, That’s where I think of all the questions to ask you.

Patrick didn’t think twice about the invitation and stepped over that invisible line which often becomes the point of no return – that critical moment when life choices are made, which are not necessarily always for the better.

Patrick barely recalled their walk to York House apartments in Upper Orange Street. It was a hasty walk and he didn’t remember much about it, but he suddenly felt a warm feeling come over his body when he thought about the passion that played out between them later in her apartment. It was like something he hadn’t known for a while: We’ve been sexually aware of each other for a few months already and the tension was increasing with every meeting…something had to give. Patrick remembered: It started out as simply a chat over a cup of coffee. He shook his head and marvelled at what had happened next: I seemed to have missed a moment…I remember walking into her apartment and sat down in the first seat that caught my eye – a comfortable armchair. I somehow felt uneasy even though the lounge was cosy and tastefully furnished. I didn’t leave as I knew I should have done. Julie made us coffee, which we drank in silence and then she excused herself. She went through to the bathroom and when she came back she had discarded her clothes – wearing only black lacy underwear… I must have floated into her arms, because the next moment we were kissing passionately and eventually ended up in her bed. Wow, it was amazing! Julie knows how to satisfy a man! Patrick sat for a while savouring his experience of the night before.

He now recalled that later, on his way home, he had realised that he was totally besotted with her: But I remember that I felt guilty. He had walked into a quiet house and was, for the first time in a while, thankful that the girls were already tucked in and fast asleep. He found Miriam in bed, struggling to keep her eyes open, waiting for him to come home.

Hi my love, he had said after walking over to her side of the bed and giving her a quick kiss. I’m sorry I’m so late, but I got held up by a student wanting some information.

Miriam had smiled feebly, I was wondering where you were. Lyle and Carla have been a handful and I feel absolutely dreadful. If this doesn’t clear up by tomorrow I’ll have to go and see my doctor. I’m drained of all energy.

Oh, I’m sorry Miriam. It’s a pity your mom isn’t here, he had said glibly, struggling to keep the smile off his face. It’s always so convenient to phone her for help.

Mm, it’s time she comes back from holiday and takes up her duties once more, Miriam had said, attempting to be playful.

Patrick felt elated, but realised he had to control his expression and tried to keep a straight face, I’m sorry I couldn’t do more Miriam. He said emphatically, Some students don’t seem to understand that lecturers also have private lives. After he had uttered those words, he was surprised at how effortlessly the lie came from his mouth; but from that day it became a habit that got easier as time progressed.

After the evening of passion between him and Julie, Patrick knew that there was no going back; they were formally having an affair. He acknowledged that he was lost and no longer in charge. This young and pretty little thing – a bright student who first caught his attention by her enthusiasm in his classes – controlled him like no woman before.

But, it wasn’t long before his divided loyalties started to have an effect on his home life and Miriam couldn’t understand what was going on with her darling husband.

One evening, for the umpteenth time, Miriam placed his cooked dinner in the fridge: What is it with Patrick? He’s continually pleading long working hours and additional time that he has to spend in the library. I understand that he is under pressure to make progress with his research and he has confirmed that it was happening, yet, Miriam had a niggling feeling that all was not as it seemed. When she asked Patrick about his studies and to share his ideas with her he couldn’t, or wouldn’t discuss it and became irritable, accusing her of meddling in his affairs: Something about this is not right. She thought back and realised that he had also become moody and was constantly tired: He has become less considerate of me, or for that matter of the girls. He has sudden bouts of energy where he would spend time with us and then suddenly we don’t seem to matter and then he would become totally absent-minded. All of this confused Miriam, because the man she loved and married had changed.

Patrick’s life was not all plain sailing. Constantly he had to remind Julie that he was married and had obligations at home. She would have none of it and first started by hinting that he should leave his family; later at times, she even demanded it. Patrick had to continuously remind her that she knew from the start what she was getting into.

The double life he was leading was beginning to have a negative effect on him. His studies had fallen behind and he worried about it as he realised that he was losing precious time, that the year was progressing fast and that he may not be able to catch up. Besides, Julie kept him busy, although he was not really complaining about it.

But, at other times when Patrick could think rationally he knew that this state of affairs couldn’t last and he wished that he could turn back the clock to the time before his life was in such turmoil. He longed for those carefree and uncomplicated days before Julie was part of his life: I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know this can’t last. I know what to do. I have to break it off with Julie...I’m causing so much hurt around me. How long before Miriam finds out...and then what?

These were all questions that milled around in his head. And he knew that Miriam eventually had to know. It was inevitable. As the year wore on, Patrick started feeling that his life was spiralling out of control, but he felt too helpless to do anything about it.

The lies, the cheating, the running around trying to satisfy two women became too much for him: Julie is becoming more demanding and she has made a scene a few times already when I had to change our arrangements, due to family commitments. I can’t do this anymore. Every day he took a firm resolution to break off the relationship with Julie, but he didn’t and slowly his life started heading towards a cliff with a deep chasm at the end of it.

One afternoon Patrick telephoned Miriam to let her know that he had to attend an unexpected meeting and would be late. After an evening of passion, he only got home close to midnight and was thankful that Miriam had gone to bed already. He walked quietly into the bedroom, but when he saw Miriam still awake, he sheepishly said, Hi love, why aren’t you sleeping? But before she could answer he continued,