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    The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions
    The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions
    The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions
    Ebook64 pages58 minutes

    The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions

    By Edgar Allan Pole

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    About this ebook

    In "The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions," Edgar Allan Pole digs up seven of Edgar Allan Poe’s best-loved stories and gives them a post-mortem makeover.

    In “The Telltale Hardon,” a college girl seduces her elderly landlord. Things go awry when his heart gives out and the co-ed must dispose of his body, only to be haunted by his ghostly erection. In “The Purple Death,” Pole reimagines “The Masque of the Red Death” as a post-apocalyptic orgy inside Prince’s fortified Paisley Park compound. And in “The Pit and the Pendulous Ballsack,” a condemned man is tortured in a terrifyingly perverse manner.

    "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" jumpstarted the literary mash-up genre; Edgar Allan Pole’s twisted take on classic Poe short stories such as “The Tell-Tale Heart” and “The Fall of the House of Usher” will pound the final nail into the genre’s coffin.

    LanguageEnglish
    Publisher8th Circle Press
    Release dateFeb 1, 2016
    ISBN9781310345432
    The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions
    Author

    Edgar Allan Pole

    Edgar Allan Pole has a sixteen-inch cock named Raven.

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      Book preview

      The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions - Edgar Allan Pole

      The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions

      CONTENTS

      Foreword

      The Telltale Hardon

      The Gold Buns

      The Fall of the House of Usher Raymond

      The Cask of Dijon

      The Pit and the Pendulous Ballsack

      The Murders Across the Street from the Rue Whorehouse: A Christmas Story

      The Purple Death

      About the Author

      FOREWORD

      Welcome to The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions, a collection of seven of Edgar Allan Poe’s best-loved works remixed by literary rogue Edgar Allan Pole. The stories are frequently hilarious, occasionally disturbing, and almost certainly unlike anything you’ve ever read. While not erotica per se, if you’re in the mood for a hot beef injection, do not despair. As if you couldn’t tell from titles such as The Pit and the Pendulous Ballsack, Pole is a pervert of the highest order. Orgies, teabagging, peeping, and snorkeling—Google that last one, if you need to—are just a few of the many sexual deviances to be found in The Telltale Hardon and Other Perversions.

      So pour yourself a glass of amontillado and slip on some rubber gloves. Shit’s about to get weird.

      — Andrew Shaffer

      New York Times Bestselling Author

      perverted (adj.):

      • (of a person or their actions) characterized by sexually abnormal and unacceptable practices or tendencies

      • (of a thing) having been corrupted or distorted from its original course, meaning, or state

      THE TELLTALE HARDON

      It is impossible to say how the idea first entered my brain, but once conceived it haunted me day and night. I loved the old man. He had always treated me with kindness. He had the most gorgeous steely blue eyes—the same cool color of the backdrop on the cover of Fifty Shades of Grey . The restraint he must have possessed to not hit on me, his 19-year-old female boarder! I, however, had no such hangups. Whenever his eyes fell upon me, my pulse quickened; and so by degrees—very gradually—I made up my mind to seduce the old geezer.

      You fancy me mad, but you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I proceeded—with what caution—with what foresight—with what determination I went to work! His shrew of a wife was out of town. I had a two-week timeframe to complete my seduction. Every night at midnight I turned the latch of his door and opened it—oh so gently! I thrust my phone into the room and shined it upon my sleeping beauty’s face. And this I did for eleven long nights—every night just at midnight—but I found his eyes always closed.

      Every morning, when the day broke, I went boldly into his bedchamber, and spoke courageously to him, calling him by name in a hearty tone, and inquiring how he had passed the night. So you see he would have been a very vain old man indeed to suspect that every night, just at twelve, the young, nubile co-ed renting a room in his home looked in upon him while he slept. Honestly, who does that?

      Upon the twelfth night I was more than usually cautious in opening the door. Never before that night had I felt the extent of my own seductive powers. I could scarcely contain my feelings. To think that there I was, opening the door, little by little, and he not even dreaming of my secret deeds or thoughts! I fairly giggled at the idea; perhaps he heard me, for he moved on the bed suddenly, as if startled. Now you may think that I drew back—but no. I knew that he could not see the opening of the door, and so I kept pushing it further open steadily, steadily. His room was pitch black with thick darkness. The blinds were shuttered, for fear of peeping toms. Little did he know, the tom was peeping from within his own house.

      I had my head inside the door and was about to shine my phone’s flashlight, when the old man sprang up in bed. Who’s there? he cried.

      I kept still and said nothing. For a whole hour I did not move a muscle, and in the meantime I did not hear him lie down. He was still sitting up in the bed listening—just as I had done, night after night.

      Presently I heard a slight groan. It was not a groan of pain or of grief—oh, no!—it was the low stifled sound that arises from the bottom of the soul when overcharged with pent-up sexual desire. I knew the sound well. Many a night, just at midnight, when all the world slept, it had welled up from my own bosom. I knew what the old man felt. I knew that he had been lying awake ever since the first slight noise, when he had turned in the bed. His desires had been ever since growing upon him. He had

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