Christy Miller's Diary

23

September 2

My Uncle Bob gave me this diary today. He told me to try to write in it every day and write about what I’m feeling and thinking. He said this little book might become a real friend to me. I think he knew I could really use a friend right now. This move to California and starting my sophomore year at a new school and everything is pretty scary.

So, dear diary -- dear new friend -- hello. What should I call you? You can call me Christy. Or Chris. Actually, only a few people call me Chris. I like Christy better. Or you can call me by my full name -- Christina Juliet Miller

Actually, you aren’t going to be calling me anything, are you? You’re my silent friend. My Dear Silent Friend. DSF. That’s what I’ll call you. DSF

Dear Silent Friend

This is the beginning of what I hope will be a long and happy friendship, DSF.

September 3

Well, DSF,

I should tell you about Alissa. I met her earlier this summer when I was visiting my aunt and uncle here in California. I thought I wanted to be just like Alissa and then I found out that she had a lot of difficult stuff in her life. She actually told me she thought I had it good because I had a normal family and was still innocent.

I got a letter from her yesterday. Alissa said she didn’t understand what I meant when I wrote and told her that I’d given my heart to Jesus. She said why would I give my heart to someone who is dead and why would I make promises to a man who no longer exists. I know she said that because of Shawn. When Shawn died a few months ago she acted as if it didn’t matter to her at all. But I know it did. It had to.

I don’t know how to tell her what I believe and why I gave my heart to Christ. Maybe I can try to explain it to you and if it sounds right, I’ll write the same thing to her.

The only way I can explain it is that it’s as if there’s this secret place in my heart and before, I’d go there and it always felt lonely. It was quiet. Too quiet. I could go there and be alone to think but it was always so empty. When I surrendered my life to the Lord, it was as if He came into that secret place and now He’s there. I know He’s there. He listens. He knows. He understands.

How do I explain that to someone else? Especially to Alissa who has so much hurt in her heart. I imagine the secret place in her heart must be all closed up and locked tight. I wonder if she even goes there anymore.

September 4

DSF - Hi.

Me again. Well, I have big news, DSF. We went to Escondido today and looked at the house we’re going to move into and I think I’ve found my first friend. Her name is Brittany. She reminds me of Alissa in some ways. Intriguing and intimidating at the same time. She’s the kind of girl I always think I want to be like, but when I’m around her, I feel as though I’m not on the same level. I think I’d like to be like her, because Brittany seems so mature and experienced. Not clumsy, the way I am.

Still, I don’t know. I liked having Paula for my best friend because we seemed to be the same in so many ways. At least we used to be. I think I’d like to be more sophisticated, like Brittany.

Things feel a lot different here than how it was in Wisconsin. Paula and I were close friends ever since we were little. But this summer Paula found a new best friend and I think that even if my family hadn’t moved here, Paula and I still wouldn’t be the closest of friends back at Brightwater High School this year.

September 12

So much has been happening, DSF!

I haven’t been able to write everything down because it seems like there’s not enough time. The thing I’ve been thinking about is Rick, this guy that I met in the craziest way. I went to a sleep over at Janelle’s and we went out T.P.ing and when we were putting the toilet paper all over Rick’s house, he came out and I was hiding in the bushes and I started running, and…oh, I don’t even want to talk about it. It was definitely the most embarrassing moment of my life ever.

The thing is, now Brittany says Rick has been asking about me at school. He’s real tall and good looking. Everybody knows him. He’s on the football team. I can’t imagine a guy like Rick being interested in me.

What do you think?

September 14

Dear Silent Friend of Mine,

I haven’t told you about Todd yet, have I? I thought of that a couple days ago after I told you about Rick. Todd is my idea of the perfect guy. I met him on this summer on the beach. It was the same day I met Alissa and some other people. I think if I had you to confide in during the summer I would have filled all your pages just talking about Todd, my summer surfer dream boy. He’s not like any other guy I’ve ever known. You should see his screaming silver blue eyes! And his smile! Oh!

Can you keep a secret? Yes, I guess you can. Todd kissed me on July 28 and gave me a bouquet of white carnations. It was the most romantic moment of my life. I still have the carnations. They’re all dried out. I stuck them in a coffee can when we moved here.

However, there’s one slightly huge problem with Todd. He’s in Florida now at his mom’s. He said he’d write me but he never did. I’ll probably never see him again. I think the rest of my life I’ll always have sweet memories of Todd, even if we never see each other again.

September 20

Hi DSF.

I’ve been thinking about Alissa’s questions some more, from her letter. She asked why I’d make promises to someone who is dead and I know now that I can tell her that Jesus isn’t dead. He rose from the dead and He’s alive. That’s what makes Christianity different from all other religions. That what makes it real.

I found this verse last night when I was looking in the back of my Bible for verses about the heart. It’s long, but here’s the whole verse, or actually three verses.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11

I like that so much because she asked why I’d make promises to a man who no longer exists. The thing is, He does exist! I made only one promise to Him -- to turn over my whole life and my whole heart to Him alone. And He made all these promises to me!

- to prosper me and not to harm me

- give me hope and a future

- listen to me

- that I’d find Him when I seek Him with all my heart

Okay. Now I have to go write all this to Alissa before I forget it all. Bye!

September 28

I just read that last entry, DSF

I feel bad because I never did get around to writing to Alissa. But I’ve been learning some new things.

Here are a few key words for you to hold on to for me. Katie Christian and Peter Pagan. At Sunday School a few days ago they talked about missionary dating when you try to bring the other person up to where you’re at with the Lord. It’s always easier for them to bring you down. I don’t think I’ll need to remember that for my own life, but I want to remember the thought.

My dad got really mad because I didn’t tell them I was going out to pizza with Katie and Rick after church. He told me I was using up my youth too fast and once it was gone I wouldn’t be able to get it back.

The thing is, I’m not really trying to grow up too fast. All these things are happening to me, and I’m just trying to keep up with them. I think it would be different if I were rebelling or something. But I’m trying to do the right thing. Well, at least most of the time.

I’m sure Dad’s right, that I don’t always think things through. But he doesn’t know all the good choices I’ve made or all the stuff I’ve already said no to.

I’ve been trying to figure out what God wants me to do. I think He wants me to try really hard to do the right thing and say no to everything that looks like it wouldn’t be good for me.

No, no, no, no. There, my daily practice in saying no.

October 5

Two days, DSF!

Two days until I go to Palm Springs with Janelle and Brittany! Yipeeeeee! My Uncle Bob is going to a golf tournament in Palm Springs and so my aunt invited me to come with her and bring some friends. I wanted Katie to go with me. She’s my new friend from school. I met her at Janelle’s party. Katie has the prettiest red hair. It’s very distinctive and so is she. Katie is our school mascot -- the Kelley High Cougar. So she can’t go because of the football game on Friday night.

Janelle and Brittany are coming with me instead. I know I’m going to have a great time with both of them. They are really popular and I think we’re getting to be pretty good friends.

My little brother fell off his bike yesterday. We had to rush him to the emergency room because he was bleeding so bad and it wouldn’t stop. He ended up with four stitches and you’d think it was forty the way he howled when the doctor started working on him! Dad told me I need to help out more around the house because Mom’s going to be working now. Then David begged me to wait on him because he said his chin hurt too much for him to get off the couch to get himself something to drink. Oh brother!

Only two more days of being everyone’s slave and then I get to go to Palm Springs! I can’t wait! We are going to have so much fun!

October 10

Oh, man, oh man, my DSF!

What a nightmare I’ve just gone through. The trip to Palm Springs with Aunt Marti and my friends turned into a disaster. Brittany has so many problems. She lied to me a bunch of times and tried to bring me down with her. I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. Am I too trusting of people or what?

I still can’t believe what happened. Brittany got Janelle and me in trouble with the police when she shoplifted and also stole prescription diet pills. And then she and Janelle both ran from the security guard and left me alone! I can’t believe I’m even writing this down. It was the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. We had to come home early and everything was ruined

Tracy sent me a note before we went to Palm Springs. She wrote out a verse that really helped me when we went through that whole thing with the police and the questioning. I promised myself I’d look the verse up in my Bible and underline it. I also want to write it here so you can remind me, DSF, when I read this again someday, how much that verse meant to me when I needed it most. Here it is:

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Deuteronomy 31:8

My dad put me on restriction. Two weeks of no social activities. The only thing that’s going to be hard is not going to church and seeing Rick. I never see him at school. That afternoon at Pizza Hut was the best time I’ve had since we moved here. Rick’s probably already forgotten about it. He’ll probably have another girlfriend by the time I get off restriction.

Why do guys do that? They act interested in you, and then they forget about you.

Like Todd. I’ll never forget Todd. Ever. But I bet if he saw me right now he wouldn’t even remember my name. If only guys weren’t so weird. If only they…

October 11

Sorry I stopped in the middle of a sentence last time yesterday, DSF.

I was dropping