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    Help for The Hard Times: Getting Through Loss
    Help for The Hard Times: Getting Through Loss
    Help for The Hard Times: Getting Through Loss
    Ebook197 pages1 hour

    Help for The Hard Times: Getting Through Loss

    By Earl Hipp and L. K. Hanson

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    About this ebook

    Earl Hipp addresses loss and discusses young people's experiences to help you provide students with tools to grieve and ways to keep their losses from becoming too overwhelming.

    Earl Hipp addresses loss from the perspective of the heart. He discusses young people's experiences with loss and helps them figure out ways to continue functioning after loss. You will provide students with tools to grieve and ways to keep their losses from becoming too overwhelming. This book, along with the Caring Circle: A Facilitator's Guide to Support Groups and Thirty-Eight Great Handouts are all part of a complete curriculum to use in developing broad-based support groups for young people ages 12 and older. Other books that can be purchased that are part of this program to help teens in specific areas are:-Feed Your Head (Self-Esteem) -Fighting Invisible Tigers (Stress) -Understanding the Human Volcano (Violence)
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHazelden Publishing
    Release dateSep 8, 2010
    ISBN9781592859245
    Help for The Hard Times: Getting Through Loss

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      Book preview

      Help for The Hard Times - Earl Hipp

      INTRODUCTION

      This book is a beginning—a book about loss for people who don’t know much about this complicated and very personal experience. Because loss is such a big part of everyone’s life, it’s important to learn about the process of getting through loss. It’s important to understand the normal feelings, thoughts, and behaviors associated with grief and to know how to take care of yourself in the healing process. Knowing what to expect makes the experience less scary and increases the likelihood of getting through loss without unnecessary pain.

      But there is a problem with books about loss. You read a book using your head, your mind, but you experience loss with your heart. At the center of it all, loss is about feelings, complicated feelings. This book, any book, can be only a guide, a map to help you find your way through difficult emotional territory.

      Losses hurt. Big losses hurt more than smaller losses, but they all hurt. I like to think of a big loss as a wound, like a cut. It can be deep and painful, and it can heal cleanly or leave a giant scar. Just as the body works miracles of healing on itself, the heart also naturally knows how to heal from the pain of a loss. The hard part is trusting the healing process. We can’t help but have losses; they are part of a normal life. But we can learn how to take care of ourselves so the wound heals cleanly.

      It is also important not to focus on just the big losses. As important as they are, they may not account for the majority of losses that we go through in a lifetime. It’s the many little losses we experience day after day, year after year, that add up. Thousands of small hurts can collect in a heart and create a growing wound. A lot of small losses can also create a deeply wounded person.

      Loss is about contradictions. One of the most important discoveries I hope you’ll make is that this is actually a book about gifts. If you know how to find them, if you know how to get through loss and grief in healthy ways, you will receive the gifts of maturity, emotional growth, self-acceptance, connection to others, and more.

      My hope is that this book will help you understand what all losses have in common and that you’ll learn how to grow through the predictable stages of the grief that follow. I also hope this book will decrease the chances you’ll be damaged by a loss and increase the chances you will find the gifts. On the pages that follow, you will find explanations and a map of this complicated emotional territory. Along the way you will hear from lots of young people who have had losses and gotten through. What you will find in the following pages is a caring guide to help you through a current loss or losses to come.

      Remember that lots of people gave unselfishly of themselves so this book could be in your hands at this moment. It is the wish of each and every one of them that you feel less alone with your loss. They wanted you to have Help for The Hard Times, support for getting through loss.

      WHAT IS A LOSS?

      LOSS IS AN EVENT

      You can think of loss as any event that changes the way things have been. All changes begin with an ending of the way it was. Endings mean separation, missing something that was there before, going on without, no longer having something you loved, letting go. In someway, the world you had gotten used to is suddenly and often dramatically different. The loss is an event, the line in the sand, the moment after which things are different. In large or small ways this moment changes you and your life, sometimes forever.

      When people talk about losses they’re most often referring to the big, sad losses like a death, the split up of a family, or a long-distance move. But it’s also important to know that someone may not have experienced a big loss and can still be profoundly hurt by not knowing how to cope with a lot of smaller losses.

      I was eight years old when I had my first big loss. My grandmother (who I was very close to) died of cancer. A lot of people assumed that as an eight-year-old I couldn’t really understand or that if I acted okay I was. Eight-year-olds understand death, what it means, and feel emotions at least as intense as any adult. Only they don’t know the ways to express all that they’re feeling. My grandmother’s death completely shattered the security of my world.

      —Mackenzie, Seventeen

      Sometimes the good things in life can also bring losses. For example, you might have a new baby in your family but lose the privacy of your own room. Your family might get a new house, but you may lose your friends in the old neighborhood. Perhaps you get to go to a new school as you get older, but you lose your status as the older kid and become a beginner again. In each of these cases something that people consider positive happens, but the result is that you have to give up how it was, deal with your complicated feelings, and figure out how to go on.

      I was nine when my best friend Nicole moved to New Jersey. I was sooo sad. We are pen pals, but we seem to be falling apart every day now. I used to cry myself to sleep. I know we are going to see each other again, but I miss her so much.

      —Kari, Ten

      Another kind of loss that can add up over time is future loss. Future loss happens when you don’t get something you expected. Examples of a future loss might include

      Not getting a promised gift

      Having a date cancel

      No longer feeling safe in your home, school, or neighborhood

      Not making the team

      Not graduating

      Becoming disabled

      Not going on a trip that you were looking forward to

      In these examples you lose the future you were expecting. Sometimes a future loss results in something positive happening, but that doesn’t always lessen the pain of the loss.

      Then there are the thousands of little losses that happen all the time. Having brothers or sisters get things you don’t, losing your homework assignment, finding your favorite clothing damaged, missing the bus, being threatened in school, adults lying to you, friendships ending, losing your house keys—all are examples of smaller losses that happen regularly. But in every case, something is gone or ended, you have feelings about it, and you have to go on with your life.

      Some losses are obviously more important than others because they result in bigger changes in our lives. The loss of your house keys is obviously not as threatening as the death of a family member, for example. But with every loss, regardless how big, your life is changed—sometimes in little ways that you get over quickly and sometimes in big ways that change you and your life forever.

      We can never go back again, that much is certain.

      —Daphne du Maurier

      Loss is the event that changes how things were; it’s the ending. The loss sets off lots of complicated feelings and leaves us with the problem of how to keep on living from then on. We’ll talk more about those challenges later, but for the moment it’s enough to learn to recognize and name loss events. If you’re not aware you are experiencing a loss, you risk adding to the hurt, burying your feelings, and carrying your sadness around… forever.

      I had expected to make the sixth grade traveling basketball team because I had been on the team in fifth grade, but I didn’t. I felt ashamed and unhappy, because I love to play. As a result of not making the team though, I got to be in a spring musical at my church, so it turned out to be good I guess.

      —Rachel, Fourteen

      If you are aware that you are going through a loss, you can decide what you want to do about it. As you learn helpful ways to grow through the losses in your life, you can take better care of yourself and find more of the gifts that are available. Step one, then, is to learn more about this complicated human experience called loss.

      Understanding Loss

      To build an understanding of loss, let’s take a closer look at some of the different types of losses you might have in your life.

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