But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship
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He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.
In this compassionate book, Joanna V. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety. With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors.
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But He'll Change - Joanna V Hunter
But He’ll Change
But He’ll Change
Ending the Thinking
That Keeps You in Abusive Relationships
Joanna V. Hunter
Hazelden Publishing
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore
© 2010 by Hazelden Foundation
All rights reserved. Published 2010
Printed in the United States of America
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise—without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hunter, Joanna V., 1949-
But he’ll change : ending the thinking that keeps you in abusive relationships / Joanna V. Hunter.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-59285-818-7 (softcover)
Ebook ISBN 978-1-59285-981-8
1. Abused women—Psychology. 2. Intimate partner violence—Prevention.
3. Family violence—Prevention. 4. Abusive men. I. Title.
HV6626.H86 2010
362.82’92—dc22
2009042701
Editor’s note
While the stories and lives shared in this book are true, names and other identifying information have been changed to provide anonymity.
This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.
14 13 12 11 10 1 2 3 4 5 6
Cover design by Theresa Gedig
Interior design and typesetting by Madeline Berglund
To my husband,
who by word and action
reminds me every day
that I am loved and cherished.
And to those who surrounded me and
supported me as I healed.
CONTENTS
Editor’s Note
Preface
Acknowledgments
Introduction
My Story
Chapter 1
Seeing Him as All-Powerful and the Center of My World
Yes, but…
I Love Him
I Miss Him (or I Need Him) and Can’t Live without Him
He Is Everything to Me
It Will Hurt to Leave Him
I Have to Do What He Wants or He Won’t Love Me
I Have to Do What He Wants Sexually or He Won’t Love Me (or He’ll Find Someone Else)
I Have to Tell Him Everywhere I Go and What I Do So He Can Reach Me or He Shows Up Unexpectedly Because He Loves Me
If I Try to Leave, He Will Kill Me or My Children
If I Divorce Him He Will Take My Children from Me or Will Have the Children Alone for Visitation
He Is a Good Provider
Chapter 2
Denying and Minimizing His Behavior
Yes, but…
He’s Not All Bad or He Has a Really Sweet and Wonderful Side
We Have Had Some Good Times
He Only Yells at Me Because He Loves Me
My Children Need Their Father
He Doesn’t Hurt the Children
He Doesn’t Mean to Hit Me
At Least He Doesn’t Hit Me
He Doesn’t Lie to Me
At Least I Don’t Have It as Bad as Others
He Must Love Me—He Gets Jealous When I Talk to or Spend Time with Other People
He Must Love Me—He Wants to Be with Me All the Time
It Doesn’t Matter That I Quit Doing Things I Enjoy or That He Made Me Quit My Job
It Doesn’t Matter What Other People Think or My Friends and Family Don’t Understand
It Doesn’t Matter What Names He Calls Me
It Doesn’t Matter That He Insults My Religion, Race, or Ethnicity
It Doesn’t Matter That He Flirts with Other Women
It Doesn’t Matter That He Withholds Affection When He’s Angry
He’s Learned His Lesson by My Leaving—Now We Can Get Back Together and Everything Will Be Okay
This Can’t Be Happening—I Am Not One of Those Women
Sooner or Later, He’ll See What He’s Doing and Stop
Chapter 3
Believing I Can Save Him
Yes, but…
I Can Change Him
I Can Save Him
He Needs Me or He Can’t Live without Me
I Have to Make This Work—I Don’t Want to Be a Failure
I’ve Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship That Would Go to Waste
I’ve Already Put So Much Energy into This Relationship—If I Leave, Someone Else Will Benefit from My Hard Work
Chapter 4
Sacrificing My Self
Yes, but…
He Has Low Self-Esteem
I Don’t Want to Hurt Him
Everyone Else in His Life Has Let Him Down—I Am All He Has
I Have to Stay or He Will Kill Himself
I Have to Forgive Him
I Must Stay, I Promised God
Chapter 5
Blaming Myself for His Behavior—Believing I Deserve It
Yes, but…
If Only I Could Just Love Him Enough, He Would Change
If Only I Didn’t Make Him Angry or Provoke Him
If Only I Were More Attractive/Thinner/Smarter/More Interesting/a Better Communicator/More Fun
I Made My Bed, Now I Have to Lie in It
I Never Do Anything Right—I Always Let Him Down/ Disappoint Him/Say and Do the Wrong Thing/Blow It
Chapter 6
Blaming Outside Forces for His Behavior
Yes, but…
If Only He Could Quit Drinking/Doing Drugs/Gambling/ Having Affairs
If Only His Boss/Teacher/Coach Wouldn’t Put Him Under So Much Stress
The Devil Made Him Do It
If Only My Family and Friends Would Treat Him Better or Be More Accepting and Accommodating
Chapter 7
Accepting Male Privilege
Yes, but…
Men Should Make All the Decisions
Men Should Control All the Money and Property or Men Should Earn More Money Than Women
Men Have Fragile Egos
Men Don’t Know How to Express Love or It’s Just the Way Men Are
It’s Okay for Him to Demand or Force Me to Have Sex
Chapter 8
Giving Up on Myself
Yes, but…
I Have No Choice or There’s No Way Out or There’s Nothing I Can Do
No One Else Will Ever Love Me or This Is Better Than Being Alone
At Least I Know What to Expect
At Least I’m Having Sex
It’s Too Late to Start Over or I Can’t Make It on My Own
No One Cares about Me Anyway
I’m a Stupid, Worthless Nothing
I Am Embarrassed and Ashamed to Be in This Situation
I Have Nowhere and No One to Turn To
I Can’t Find a Job or I Have No Skills
I Can’t Care for My Children
If I Try to Do Something, It May Backfire and Make the Situation Worse
Someone Else Will See What He Is Doing and Save Me
Appendix A
Educational Tools
What Is Abuse?
Profile of an Abuser
Cycle of Abuse
Chart of Coercion
Safety Planning
Appendix B
Additional Resources
Hotlines and Web Sites
Recommended Readings
Notes
EDITOR’S NOTE
Interviews with domestic abuse experts Darald Hanusa, Ph.D., L.C.S.W., Jennifer Parker, M.S.S.W., L.C.S.W., Eve Lipchik, M.S.W., Robert D. Enright, Ph.D., and Ann Brickson, M.S.S.W., L.I.C.S.W., are available online. To access this document, visit the Hazelden Bookstore Web site at www.hazelden.org/bookstore. In the search box, insert But He’ll Change,
which should bring up the product page for this book. You will be able to download a PDF of the interviews from this page.
PREFACE
Growing up, my mother told me, "It is never okay for a man to hit a woman— never ." Years later I was faced with that reality—I found myself in an abusive relationship.
The fear and pain I lived with forced me to leave the relationship. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Healing took time, but I finally moved on to create a new life for myself. I thought my experience with abuse was over.
Then one day, I opened the newspaper and read the results of a survey about high school students and sex. The majority of the students in the survey believed that if a man forces his wife to have sex, it isn’t rape. Almost half the teens said that if a guy buys a girl dinner, she has to provide sex, and if a girl agrees to have sex and then changes her mind and the guy forces her, it isn’t rape. Someone needs to talk sense into these kids! I thought. I could do that, but would teenagers listen to a grandmother?
I contacted a school social worker. He suggested I volunteer through the local women’s shelter. I went cold inside. Could I get that close to the pain of abuse again without drudging up my own dark memories? It had been well over a decade since I broke free. I toed the dirt for a while, mulling over the idea, then made the call.
I’m glad I did. I discovered that I could use my experience to benefit other women. My long-term relationship with an abuser and the process of healing had taught me much about intimate partner violence. The training I received at the service agency connected to the local women’s shelter gave me a solid foundation in the dynamics of domestic abuse. I drew on all these sources of knowledge to develop an interactive program on teen dating violence and healthy relationships. Over the course of seven years, I spoke to over seven thousand students in high school and middle school health classrooms. The students accepted me. They asked challenging questions. They wrote comments on my evaluations that said, I didn’t realize what I was doing to my girlfriend. I’m going to stop it.
Now I know why my mother won’t leave her boyfriend.
I was going to get back with my boyfriend, but after hearing you, I changed my mind.
I also spoke to adults through community clubs and at the local college, teaching students in the medical field how to screen patients for domestic abuse and what to do next.
About this same time, my work life changed. I left my career to write the great American novel
I’d always planned. As I worked on it, thoughts of domestic abuse victims continually interrupted my character development and plots—even my sleep. In particular, I kept thinking about the statements that victims use to respond to the internal voice that is screaming, This is not right. Get out!
I began jotting down these statements in a spiral notebook. Before long, I had two full pages of statements starting with Yes, but I love him
and Yes, but he can be really wonderful,
and ending with If I could just love him enough, he’ll change.
I thought, Someone should write a book that pushes women to think beyond these ideas. … Why not me? I know the thinking and self-talk that women in abusive relationships internalize from their abusers—statements that allow women to tolerate the abuse, and resist the urge to leave. And I also know how to counter those thoughts. I know why such thinking is false and how it works to keep women trapped in unhealthy, dangerous situations. Most important, I know what healthy relationships look like and I want to give other women the words to counter their negative thinking, until they can recover their own voices of strength.
As I started to put But He’ll Change together, I lamented to one of my mentoring therapists, No one will publish my book. I don’t have a degree in therapy.
He assured me a publisher would recognize that I had the most important kind of education—personal experience. He was right. I knew what it took to heal after domestic violence.
I have written the book that I needed while recovering—one that
talks straight
tells the truth
explains how healthy thinking sounds
gives permission to care for and stand up for yourself
is flexible, allowing you to work on issues as they surface
It’s been nine years since I jotted Yes, but I love him
on the first line of my notebook. May the pages of this book help you identify and change your harmful self-talk, regain your self-trust, shed labels, transcend the past, and walk into a better life—a life filled with peace and joy.
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
This book will focus on abuse that occurs between a man and a woman, with the man being the abuser, since this was my experience. However, I invite anyone experiencing domestic abuse to use this book and to substitute the proper pronouns where needed. The components of abuse are alike in any relationship.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Iam grateful to those who supported and encouraged me as I worked on this project: my husband and family; the therapists, pastors, and staff of my local women’s shelter, who answered endless questions; Leigh and Maureen, who read and reread the manuscript; Cathy, my gifted editor; and Sid, along with Hazelden’s staff, who gave me an opportunity to speak. Thank you.
INTRODUCTION
Perhaps you’re holding this book in your hand because