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    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists
    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists
    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists
    Ebook187 pages2 hours

    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists

    By Dr. David Mc Dermott

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Realizing that they have been in a relationship with a psychopath or narcissist, most people go looking for information to help make sense of what has happened to them. They read, watch videos and talk to others about their experiences. They learn the theory, they realize they have been taken advantage of and they recognize that others stories are very similar to their own.

    What is missing is how to put all this information to practical use. They can’t yet get the manipulator out of their heads, and the manipulator can still push their buttons very easily and get them emotionally upset and doing things they don’t want to do.

    This book is for those of you in this situation, those who are still struggling with the effects of being, or of having been, in a relationship with a psychopath or narcissist.

    Each tip covers a particular aspect of the relationship with a manipulator. I explain the situation, what tactics are being used against you, what the typical responses of the victim are and why. If relevant I explain about the attitudes and motivations of the psychopath or narcissist. Then I offer specific suggestions about what you can do (or not do!) in the situation.

    It’s very important to understand the dynamics of the various situations in relationships with these types. Much of the time, the unfortunate victim does not realize what is being done to them and they are unaware of the influence that the manipulator is exerting on them.

    Having this knowledge is important for several reasons. It reduces the power the manipulator has when you can recognize the influence technique being used against you; then you have more options about how to respond.

    It also explains why the change in behavior suggested is actually useful, how it fits into the overall scheme of things. And knowing why you need to act differently makes it easier to change what you have been doing. You are not just doing something because someone tells you to (You have done enough of that already!) but rather you are deliberately creating a way out of the messy situation you have been dragged into.

    Speaking of getting you out of the situation, although I am offering tips for dealing with psychopaths and narcissists, I do not suggest that you use these tips as a way to 'manage' a manipulator. Nor do I suggest that you use them as a way to cope so that you can stay in the relationship.

    I work on the basis that, with very few exceptions, a person in a relationship with a manipulator loses. The abuse, bad treatment and humiliation that one suffers at the hands of psychopaths and narcissists is not worth whatever benefits that may be considered to be present. In other words, whatever benefit you think may be there for you comes at an excessively high price.

    These tips are best used as you are working your way out of the relationship and they will help you understand and make sense of what has been done to you. That's why I write about how and why the techniques work. I believe that the more you understand about the nature of mind control, the better. Once you understand what is going on, the easier it is for you to make the decision to get away and stay away from these types.

    Some of the tips are suggestions for how to act in certain situations; some tips are about how a change in thinking or a change in belief is necessary and some are organized around things that it is useful for you to stop doing. Either way, these tips have been useful for many already and I believe they will also save you time, money, effort and heartache!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDr. David Mc Dermott
    Release dateMay 8, 2017
    ISBN9781370045389
    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists

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      Very helpful and clear in understanding situations of undue influence.

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    Book preview

    54 Practical Tips For Dealing With Psychopaths and Narcissists - Dr. David Mc Dermott

    It seems that more and more people are becoming aware of psychopathy and narcissism. Unfortunately this is usually out of necessity because they realize that they have been caught in a cult, are or were in an abusive relationship, or have been psychologically abused at their workplace.

    In order to try and make sense of what happened to them, they go searching for information. They read about psychopaths and narcissists, they watch videos, they talk to anyone around who will listen to them.

    By the time most of my clients reach me, they have already spent months or even years trying to sort things out; they are unable to get the manipulator 'out of their heads' and they are still in the process of trying to wrestle back control of their lives. Most have already been to other therapists, many of whom do not understand mind control and psychopathy.

    These people are well versed in what it's like to be on the receiving end of mind control at the hands of psychopaths and narcissists. They have read or heard other people's stories and they recognize the similarities.

    What they are missing is the knowledge of practical ways to deal with what is going on. They don't have the 'how-to' in order to know what is the best way to get rid of the manipulator; they don't know how to respond in certain situations and most of the time the manipulator can still get them to do and say things that they don't want to do.

    I wrote this book to provide practical suggestions for people who are still struggling with the effects of having been manipulated by a psychopath or narcissist. Whether you are still in a relationship with one, or have left the situation but recognize that you are still having difficulties, there are plenty of ideas that you can start using straight away.

    Each tip covers a specific aspect of a relationship with a psychopath or narcissist. In order to be able to change things, it helps enormously to understand something about the dynamics of the situation, the motivations of the manipulators and the effects of the techniques being used against you.

    To this end, I give information about your situation, about why the manipulators do things the way they do, what effect it has on you, their attitudes, how specifically they are manipulating normal human relationship patterns and so on. Understanding these things means that you can begin to see the patterns of abuse and how the manipulator is taking advantage.

    Understanding the background makes it's easier for you to make sense of why the manipulators treat you the way they do. It also gives you a new framework for understanding the suggested behavioral changes and how these practical tips fit into the overall strategy of getting you out of the bad situation.

    Speaking of getting you out of the situation, although I am offering tips for dealing with psychopaths and narcissists, I do not suggest that you use these tips as a way to 'manage' a manipulator. Nor do I suggest that you use them as a way to cope so that you can stay in the relationship.

    I work on the basis that, with very few exceptions, a person in a relationship with a manipulator loses. The abuse, bad treatment and humiliation that one suffers at the hands of psychopaths and narcissists is not worth whatever benefits that may be considered to be present. In other words, whatever benefit you think may be there for you comes at an excessively high price.

    Leaving the relationship should be priority number one. You cannot hope to fully recover from the damage while you are still in the relationship. And once you are out, you need to stay out. This is often very difficult because of the dependency on the manipulator.

    There may be other complicating factors, too, such as a divorce or the presence of children. However, there are ways to minimize the opportunities for the psychopath or narcissist to continue the manipulation and abuse and these will be covered here.

    Leaving a relationship with psychopaths and narcissists is the best thing you can do. I think that trying to manage them is a huge waste of your time and effort, and indeed, your life. They are much more devious and cruel than you could ever be and they have no motivation to change. You cannot even negotiate with them because they have no sense of obligation to keep their word.

    These tips are best used as you are working your way out of the relationship and they will often help you understand and make sense of what has been happening to you. That's why I write about how and why the techniques work. I believe that the more you understand about the nature of mind control, the better. Once you understand what is going on, the easier it is for you to make the decision to get away and stay away from these types of people.

    Many people will use this book to try and go it alone. This is not a criticism because thinking that you should be able to do it alone is part of the programming from the psychopaths and narcissists. However, having been through a formal recovery process myself, I don’t believe there is a substitute for getting professional help (from someone who understands mind control and psychopaths and narcissists, of course).

    I use the word ‘victim’ in the book even though I know it is an emotionally loaded word. Many people don’t like to think of themselves as victims. The fact is that people in relationships with psychopaths and narcissists are victims. They are abused, humiliated, ridiculed, beaten up, sexually assaulted and generally made to feel bad about themselves. This is what happens to victims, by definition.

    However, just because a person has been a victim of a psychopath or narcissist does not mean that they will be a victim forever. So don’t let words define you. This is what the psychopaths and narcissists have been doing to you.

    It is possible to overcome the damage done by these types and when a person has a good understanding of mind control and is fully recovered, they no longer identify as a victim. What happened is in the past and while they have all this knowledge and experience it no longer dominates their lives.

    I have not put the tips in any specific order. I decided to do this even though some of the ideas are related because this way you get regular reminders of some ideas. And as we shall see, repetition is important.

    Some of the tips are suggestions for how to act in certain situations; some tips are about how a change in thinking or a change in belief is necessary and some are organized around things that it is useful for you to stop doing. Either way, these tips have been useful for many already and I believe they will also save you time, money, effort and heartache!

    Thanks for reading!

    David Mc Dermott

    May 2017

    1. Your phone

    Your phone rings. You know it's him/her. You catch your breath. You feel your heart beating hard. You really don't want to answer but you are rushing to get your phone. You know if you don't answer, there will be trouble later.

    This situation is all too common when dealing with a manipulator. Basically they train their victims to answer quickly because they don't want to be kept waiting. Their time is more valuable than yours and they have something they want and they want it now.

    Have you noticed, too, that this rule does not apply to them? They have no obligation to answer their phone straight away, and if you challenge them about it, they have an excuse that they consider valid and acceptable. (You are never allowed to use the same excuse, though!)

    This particular maneuvre keeps you busy, keeps you on your toes, keeps you following their orders, allows them to keep tabs on you, reinforces your obedience, keeps you on an emotional roller coaster and keeps you in fear of them.

    However… you do not have to answer your phone straight away.

    The thought of not answering may cause fear when you think about it, but let's examine it in more detail.

    If you are reading this newsletter, you know what you are dealing with and you are working on getting out of the relationship. (You are, right? Right??) It's time to stop running around after them all the time and take some time for yourself. You need time to pause, reflect, and learn what is happening, so that you can get away.

    If you are already separated, there is no reason you should be running to get your phone to answer them. The phone is for your convenience, not theirs. And besides, every time they speak to you, they get a chance to continue the control and the abuse. Much better to tell them that they need to email or text you from now on. This has several advantages, including not being triggered hearing their voice as well as having everything in writing in case you are going to court. (It also means that you have to watch what you write, too!) And if they get angry, so what? You are not living with them any more so you don't have to deal with it. It also lets them know that they are losing control over you.

    And if you have left a cult, any time the leader or members call you, they will be trying to get you back. You are better off not listening to that kind of pressure at all, no matter how well you think you can handle it.

    You are even allowed to turn your phone off for hours at a time, if you are out, doing sports, at a friend's house or whatever. If any one else calls you, you will have a message or a notification of a missed call and you can call them back at your convenience.

    Remember it's your phone, you can choose to whom you speak on it, and when. And you can ignore it when you like, too. This is how people who are in normal, healthy relationships think about their phones. You have every right to do the same.

    2. Same argument

    Do you find yourself having the same argument over and over and over again? No matter how often you say something, the narcissist or psychopath doesn't seem to pay attention to what you say. Or worse, they promise they will change but they never do!

    So you bring it up again, and there is another argument over it. A long argument… again.

    It is very useful to avoid these situations by whatever means necessary. Consider these times as indoctrination sessions.

    What happens is the manipulator has a chance to argue and try and convince you that what they are saying is true. They will try and impose their ideas and their will on you. You end up listening to them accusing you of all sorts of stuff, calling you names, attacking your personality, your character, and generally making you feel bad. And then when you feel bad, they tell you what you should do.

    You have done this enough. The manipulator hears you; he or she just doesn't care!

    They are not going to change. They are never going to change.

    In their mind, their aim is to change you.

    So avoid getting into long arguments. You will not win. In an intimate relationship, or in a cult, you cannot negotiate with a psychopath or a narcissist. Even if they concede something, there will be consequences. There will be a price to pay, and you will end up losing out.

    As soon as you realize that you are in the middle of such an argument, put an end to it. Go to the bathroom, leave the house, change the topic of conversation, say that you need a break and go out to the garden, and go away and continue planning to leave the relationship!

    3. Days for emails

    Most sources will suggest that you go no contact with psychopaths and narcissists as a way to protect yourself and to give you the opportunity to recover from the damage that they have done.

    However, there are some situations where this is just not possible, for example, during a divorce, or where there are children involved and you have to communicate at times.

    Remember that the manipulators are happy to have a go at you through whatever channels they can, and email is no exception.

    Reading their emails can be traumatic, especially if you have only recently separated and you have not recovered from the harm done to you.

    One option that is available to you is to only read their emails twice a week. You can even set up a filter in your email system so that they go directly into a special folder and they are not sitting in your inbox all the time. It also means that you don't click on them by accident.

    Reading their emails only twice a week has several advantages

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