Thoughtful Answers to Timeless Questions: Decades of Wisdom in Letters: From the Author of Choice Theory- William Glasser, M.D.

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INTRODUCTION

William Glasser died on August 23, 2013 but his profound ideas will live on in the hearts and minds of everyone he inspired. The lives of countless people around the world are better because of his message.

In the early 1960’s, William Glasser created a new counseling approach he called Reality Therapy. After twenty-five years of the successful use of Reality Therapy by thousands of people he trained, he was able to identify the theoretical basis explaining why his therapy was so effective. He named it Choice Theory and began teaching it around the world. I had the privilege to be William Glasser’s wife and partner for the last 20 years of his life. We worked side by side during most of those years writing, lecturing and teaching in the Choice Theory/Reality Therapy Certification Program.

Recently I found several large boxes filled with hundreds of letters written to him by his readers. Some were sent to him from people already attempting to use his ideas. With each letter was a copy of the corresponding letter he sent in answer to every person who wrote to him. In these letters he offered wise and loving advice, and often took the opportunity to teach new information.

The letters we have collected for this book are representative of William Glasser’s spontaneous creativity at its best. These letters speak for themselves and no further explanation of them is given. Each letter remains as it was written minus any identifying names to maintain confidentiality.  Original punctuation and grammar have been retained other than for the purpose of clarity. Although they are up to your interpretation, your understanding of the concepts might be enhanced if the letters became discussion topics for any group choosing to read them.

As I read each letter I was struck by how brilliant a mind my husband had. He was a pioneer in his field, an innovator of the art of teaching people to help themselves. His groundbreaking ideas have inspired many contemporary authors and theorists in the field of psychology to develop various methods and programs of their own. People like Wayne Dyer and Dr. Phil McGraw have publicly recognized his ideas as being influential in the early development of their own work.

In this book you will hear the voice of William Glasser through every letter he wrote. The hallmark of his writing has always been its enjoyable read-ability. He uses words that are devoid of what has been called psychobabble because he presents his ideas in language that is easy to understand. Sometimes it is said that what he wrote is simply common sense because it is so clear and understandable.

Dr. Glasser answered this observation by stating, My ideas are exceedingly un-common sense because they explain what to do when you don’t know what to do. Usually that means something that is very difficult to accomplish such as using absolutely no external control on yourself or others.

This book presents what William Glasser actually wrote to the people who sent him letters about some extremely hard problems they were dealing with in their lives. His answers were always clear. The hard part would be for the individual to take action and change the behavior they were currently using.  Sometimes that requires a little help from hearing new information. Dr. Glasser offers new information but the choice to act on it is up to the person who receives it.

He once said, All advice is good advice, in that it is well-intentioned. The only problem is getting the other person to do it. The fact is the only behavior you can control is your own. Getting rid of the External Control behaviors which destroy the relationships you want and need is easy to understand but hard to do.

In reading Dr. Glasser’s books and the letters presented in this book you will find answers to some of life’s most difficult challenges. The connection you may have with the people who wrote the letters is the familiarity of shared experiences. You may see yourself in this book and if you do it is our hope that you will benefit from reading answers you can immediately apply in your own life.

Carleen Glasser, MA, CTRTC

1. EXPLAINING CHOICE THEORY

If we continue to use the external control psychology which tears people apart and destroys relationships, we’ll make no progress in improving the way we get along with each other. That’s the main task of the world. It’s as important as the ozone layer and the greenhouse effect. What good would it be to have a healthy planet if we can’t get along together? To me, that’s the bottom line. I support all that everyone is doing in terms of environmental health, but the environment that exists between two people-the destructive environment of external control- should be replaced with the constructive, helpful, supportive environment of Choice Theory.

William Glasser, M.D.

August 1, 1999

Dear Dr. Glasser,

Dr. Glasser, I have thought of you so much in the last week: If I did not have a firm grasp on Choice Theory and Reality Therapy, I would have crazyed myself into Social Work Counselor La La Land. I don’t know if the heat’ or our drought or we’re just talking late summer, but the family problems involving parents and children came into my office last week without cessation. Fix my kid. Fix my husband. My wife sides with her kid. Most, if not all if my memory serves me, were situations involving, step-families. And the power/control as well as belonging conflicts were epidemic.

But good Lord, everyone (mothers, fathers, teachers, neighbors, cops, mobile therapists, behavior specialists, therapeutic support staff … et.al.) is looking for the in depth answer to the reason for this kid’s behavior. And when I suggest an alternative, Choice Theory, well, you know what happens.

I’m not complaining and I KNOW that Choice Theory and Reality Therapy are effective and a strong force in the lives of those who apply them. It’s just that I think of you more than anyone in this world as my teacher; and so I’m sharing experiences with my mentor. Thanks.

Best wishes to you and to Mrs. Glasser.

August 11, 1999

Dear:

Thanks so much for you letter and the note from Mary. Your total support of what I’m trying to do is certainly appreciated. I’ll be needing you in the cheering section at the Evolution of Psychotherapy 2000 Conference, when I’m going to really lay it on the line as my new book, Reality Therapy in Action* will be out. It was a pleasure seeing you in Boston, and I counsel you to cheer up. All the difficulty you’re having with people is what makes your life exciting. Hell, if they all came in, you gave them a few words, taught them a little, and they all got their lives under better control and were fine, what fun would that be? The main thing is to work hard, but not take it too seriously. We’re doing the best we can and that’s all we can do. I would, however, keep pushing people in the direction of Choice Theory, and when the new book comes out, I think you can really recommend that book-it really explains it and I’m very excited about it. We’re just finishing the galleys right now and I think it’s going to be a little bit of a stir when it comes out.

I’ve also read the new book by Peter Breggin entitled: Your Drug May be Your Problem: How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Drugs. Dr. Breggin has also written the forward to my new Reality Therapy book. Psychiatric drugs really are a big problem, really much more of a problem I think than the illegal drugs, in the sense that people take them and think they are the right thing. At least with illegal drugs they know they’re not the right thing, and at least they have that going for them. When a physician prescribes them, they don’t have much of a chance at all. Enough of my wanderings.

We’ll see you next year at the conference if not before.

Best- William Glasser, M.D.

* Now entitled, Counseling with Choice Theory: The New Reality Therapy

Dr. Glasser,

I want to thank you for coming to Glenwood Springs last fall and for your informative presentations which encouraged and reassured us that, in spite of all the overwhelming challenges that we face in society today, there is hope. I am often reminded of your simple but life-changing suggestions that can truly transform relationships and the world if we will choose to give up our negative, critical habits. It’s easier said than done, but just becoming aware of them is an essential step in attempting to change our ways.

Sincerely,

One of my mother’s favorite sayings was every little bit helps said the old lady as she spit in the ocean. Well, I guess we have to keep spitting and maybe one day, who knows.

William Glasser, M.D.

As my great teacher Dr. G .L. Harrington used to say when people were faced with very difficult times, things are tough all over. They are tough in Fredericton, Los Angeles, and everywhere. But we have got something good no matter how difficult times are or how overwhelmed we become. At least what we are doing is stemming the tide a little tiny bit.

William Glasser, M.D.

May 5, 2004

Dr. Glasser,

I am trying to adapt your principles to a staff group dealing with elderly residents in a care facility. I want to use the seven deadly habits outlined in Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health. But, on page 79, lines 5-7 says People don’t like to be criticized and the more accurate the criticism is, the less likely they like both you and what you said. Do you mean that pointing out a mistake will cause them to dislike you and what you said? What if you are their supervisor and they are not applying the correct procedure in the widget machine? How is one to point out the error without causing stress?

Thank You!

May 24, 2004

Dear:

Thank you for your note. It hurts people even more if the criticism is accurate because people don’t like to be criticized and they will recognize its accuracy. The relationship is the key to everything. If we can criticize people without harming the relationship, it would be wonderful, but I don’t think we can. So, instead we have to use different procedures, which are outlined in my book, Warning: Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health. Perhaps you could say something like, look there is something we ought to talk over. I am concerned that somehow or another you are doing some things that certainly, if we had a little talk, you might learn to do a little better or a little more effectively and may feel better for doing it.

This sounds like criticism, but it is much more acceptable. It is kind of a nice way to criticize. A person like yourself, who is probably not very critical, may be able to talk to people and come across in a way that they understand that what you are trying to do is help them. But, for many people it doesn’t work that way. I again want to emphasize the relationship. Before you start telling people they are making mistakes, you need to build a really good relationship with them and in the course of the relationship, ask them about how they are doing, who they are getting along with, etc. Pretty soon they may be able to see their mistake and then you could compliment them on seeing it themselves.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It may not seem important, but it is crucial in many relationships.

Best- William Glasser, M.D.

You have to figure out your own quality world. No one can do it for you and no one can change it. But if you haven’t figured out one that is satisfying, then it is something you have to continue to work on. A quality world can’t really dissolve. We have to have something to depend upon. We have to put ourselves in our own quality world. As my great teacher Dr. Harrington said, don’t criticize yourself- other people are willing to do that for you. We have to support ourselves and our relationships.

William Glasser, M.D.

No matter who loves us or doesn’t love us, the best thing we can do is love and take care of ourselves. We need other people, but we need other people who care for us.

William Glasser, M.D.

June1, 2005

Hello,

I am currently participating in the Basic Practicum. I had a question in practicum that my teacher could not answer. She suggested I email the institute and share the response at our next meeting.

How does Reality Therapy/Choice Theory work with victims of sexual abuse (as child), sexual assault/rape, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I do not want to try to apply it without guidance since I certainly do not feel comfortable telling someone they choose flashbacks or nightmares. Are there any materials published about this?

Also, how would you use Reality Therapy/Choice Theory with someone who has grief & loss issues?

I would appreciate any feedback and I will share it in our practicum meetings. Thank you.

June 6, 2005

Dear:

I received your note of June 1, 2005, and I’ll try to answer you the best I can.

Following Choice Theory, as bad as our past may have been, we can’t change it. Whatever happens to someone, whether it is sexual, physical or neglectful, are all bad things to have happened in the past. But, people are now living in the present. Therefore, they can only satisfy their needs now in the present. Most people who suffer from past abuse have not been able to create satisfying present relationships. They may believe that they are suffering from something that happened in the past, but actually they are suffering from their inability to deal with present problems 99% of which I believe are present relationship problems. This is mostly caused by their present use of external control psychology because people who have been abused use that as much as people who haven’t been abused and this harms their relationships. Therefore, what you do with anything in the past is to focus on the future and find out what are the good relationships now and try to improve them. If people have no good relationships now, that is where reality therapy and Choice Theory will work. If they can create good present relationships, no matter how badly they suffered in the past, they will be able to get along fine.

My cousin’s wife was a victim of concentration camps in World War II and suffered horribly. She saw her parents, brothers and sisters murdered. She survived and she is getting along quite well. She even went back to the concentration camp for a visit to see what it looked like today. She is getting along well because she maintains very strong and satisfying present relationships.

I don’t really believe that PTSD is something people suffer from unless the trauma is still going on. If the trauma is no longer happening, it is the fact that they don’t have satisfying relationships in their life now and that is where they have to focus. 

In answer to the grief and loss issues, it is the same thing. A normal amount of grief is six months or perhaps at most one year. But if someone is still grieving, it is because his or her present relationships are not making up for what they lost in the past. As much as we may not like the idea that we can make up for the past and the present, there is nothing else we can do.

I hope this helps.

Cordially- Bill Glasser

Reality therapy, which is based on Choice Theory, differs markedly from external control therapies that claim that people are the victims of tough situations regardless of the fact that all, or even most, people in these same situations choose not to become victims. Reality therapy contends that while we are all products of our past, unless we choose to be so, we need not be victims of this past. And all of our counseling is to help people make the choice not to become, or continue to be, a victim.

William Glasser, M.D.

No matter what happened in the past, it is over. It certainly may have an effect on you and may have harmed your ability to learn and trust people, but the only way you can deal with a traumatic past is to move into a satisfying present. You can’t do that with drugs. This needs to be done by interacting with people who care for you and showing those same people you care for them. There is no other way. I have dealt with people who were horribly traumatized, and yet when they began to build a relationship with me and then moved on by building relationships with other people.

William Glasser, M.D.

September 5, 2004

Dear Dr. Glasser,

Will you join me, assist me in any way you can to heal so that this can become a reality. I have been to many therapists, they do not help, and it does not work. I am using some of the principals of Unity church and that has helped more than any therapist the same with a recent seminar, however, you cannot live in a seminar. My significant other asked me to leave, we were doing the 7 deadly sins. He was controlling and angering, I was controlling and depressing. It got out of hand.

Is there a group around me, can you do anything to assist me in getting better.

Thank you for your time and anything you can do to assist me in my healing process.

September 27, 2004

Dear,

I read your letter. I have heard similar stories from many people. It is a terrible way to have lived your life. Now you literally have to learn how to live your life differently. What I mean by differently is living it with Choice Theory. That means getting rid of all of the deadly habits. Even if you can’t say anything, then say nothing, but don’t use complaining, criticizing, etc. Don’t use these habits with yourself either. That is what you are doing now. Using the deadly habits on yourself destroys the relationship you have with yourself. My great teacher Dr. Harrington used to say don’t ever criticize yourself as there are plenty of other people willing to do that for you. He was right.

As far as meeting these other people, I am sure they are all wonderful people and they will help you. Just put Choice Theory to work in your life, no matter what else you do that you may think is valuable. Every time you don’t feel well, you’re upset, angry or distressed, ask yourself if you have been using Choice Theory in this situation to the extent that you can. You will find out that when you are upset, you have not.

Choice Theory is the theory of getting along well with each other and with ourselves. The book, Warning, Psychiatry Can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, goes over and over it. It is about improving your own mental health. There is such a thing as mental health. You are not mentally ill, but as you describe yourself, you are a long way from mental health. So, move yourself in that direction through using Choice Theory. Do this for six months and write me again and let me know what you have accomplished. I would be very interested to hear back from you.

Cordially- William Glasser, M.D.

I can’t practice medicine by mail but I can suggest how you can use Warning Psychiatry can be Hazardous to Your Mental Health." As you have already learned, using the book is not therapy; it is learning how to put Choice Theory to work in your life.

The strength of my approach, which is learning to use Choice Theory in your life, is that it can be learned from the book and is even more effective if someone does it with you."

William Glasser, M.D.

August 7, 2006

Dear Dr.