A Guilty Heart: Pointe Royal 3rd Generation

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A Guilty Heart

Pointe Royal 3rd Generation

To feel this lonely after having so much happiness was devastating to me.  Why had I let Jamie in?  To make matters worse, Liam is avoiding me too so I stayed away from everyone. Sam. The Moores.  They thought I was using drugs again but I wasn’t.  I wouldn’t do that now.

When they all found out my secret, they will assume the baby is Jamie’s.  Except for Liam.  He will know the truth.  It will destroy them.

We came together out of grief.  Our hearts broken because of Jamie’s loss.  Now we were going to have a baby.  A baby, he doesn’t even know about.

Liam tells me I’m Jamie’s girl.  He’s even back with his ex-girlfriend, Harley.  How do I tell him, he’s going to be a father?  Why do I feel funny that he’s with her and not me?

When he finds out all hell is going to break loose.  I just keep making a mess of things.  We feel the guilt in our hearts.  We didn’t mean for this to happen but I don’t regret the child we conceived.  I love it and I want it.

Maybe this baby will ease our guilty hearts.

A Guilty Heart

By

Lee Wardlow

This book is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used factiously.  Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead is coincidental. 

Copyright © 2017 by Lee Wardlow.  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, redistribute, or transmit in any form or by any means

Dedication

Kendra, for supporting me, encouraging me and saving A Guarded Heart and A Guilty Heart by pointing out that you can’t tell who the father is when the prospects are identical twins. 

That blew my idea for these storylines to hell and back.  I’m lucky to have you.

CHAPTER ONE

DIA

To feel this lonely after having so much happiness was devastating to me.  Why had I let Jamie in?  Six weeks had gone by since the funeral.  Seven since Jamie’s death.  I hadn’t gone to the Moore’s for Sunday dinner even though Stevie called me every Sunday morning to invite me.  I was in so much pain but then so was she. 

I couldn’t tell her that Liam was part of my grief now.  We had made a mess of things and had screwed up the friendship that we had finally become comfortable with.

Every Sunday, I went to Jamie’s grave and put fresh flowers there for him.  I stayed for hours and talked to him. This morning was no different.  I had already received a phone call from Stevie asking me to come to dinner.  Then Adam too insisting that even though Jamie was gone, I was still part of the Moore family.  He even told me that he missed me.  I explained this morning, I wasn’t feeling well which wasn’t a lie.

I hadn’t been well this past week and a half.  I was surprised Sam hadn’t picked up on it.  He would if it continued which I anticipated that it would.  Tina being a woman did get it and she brought a pregnancy test to work yesterday.

She stopped me at the door as I was leaving.  Take this home and do it.  You might not want to talk about it right now but if you do, I’m here for you, sweetheart, she told me.

I stuffed the test into my purse before Sam came out of his station and saw it.  I had been burying the notion that I could be pregnant in the back of my mind.  I brought the test home where it laid on my bathroom counter.  I stared at the ceiling contemplating what this meant to me, to Liam and what it would mean to his family. 

I had fucked up.  That’s what.  If I was pregnant, this could destroy Liam and his family too.  I climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom.  I peed on the stick and left it on the counter.

Tina promised not to tell Sam until I was ready.  She assured me more than once that she was a good listener and that she would support me if I needed her.  She was thinking what everyone else would be thinking if I was pregnant that this was Jamie’s child.

There was one catch, I had never made love to Jamie Moore.  I might need to tell somebody before that secret destroyed me.  Tina?  I wasn’t sure that we had gotten that close that I could spill my guts to her.

Three minutes later, probably more since I was making tea, I went to the bathroom and picked up the test.  I tilted my head to the bathroom ceiling and I cried big ugly tears.

I was pregnant.

It shouldn’t have been a big, surprise to me.  I was late for my period and I had been feeling terrible this past week or so but I was devastated.

I tossed the test in the bathroom garbage can.  No need to keep it.  I don’t think Liam would need proof that I was pregnant when I told him.  My life was now in turmoil by that one word on the window screen.  Pregnant.

Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt I went to the store and bought the flowers that I always took to Jamie, every Sunday, every week.  Then, I drove to the cemetery and walked to his grave.

In the grass, I sat facing his stone.  It was a gray marble, something simple.  His name and the date of his birth and death was etched in the headstone.  No designs or fanciness about it.  That wouldn’t be Jamie’s style.

It was like I could feel him here, watching over me so I spoke to him as I always did.  I’ve screwed up, Jamie, I told him while I arranged the flowers in a pot.  His Mom put flowers on either side of it in the pots that were part of the actual monument.  You probably know that though.

I hoped he couldn’t see the bad, things that happened in our lives.  I didn’t mean to hurt Liam, I said.  He was drinking.  I should have stopped things before they got out of hand.  I needed him so much that night.  We were both hurting because we lost you. I don’t know what to do now.

I worked on the flowers for a little bit then I said, Do I tell Liam?

Tell me what? He asked.

I nearly screamed he had startled me so badly.  I hadn’t heard Liam approaching I was so engrossed in arranging the flowers and talking to myself.

What are you doing here?

I gazed at him closer.  He looked tired.  His eyes just as sad as the last time I had seen him at his grandfather’s farm the day of Jamie’s funeral.  I thought Liam might have lost a little weight too.

He sat on the ground beside me.  Tell me what, Dia?  He repeated his question.  He was so close I could smell the scent of him.  The cologne that he wore, not like Jamie who wore none.  It wasn’t strong though.  He smelled nice.

I turned away from Liam and arranged the flowers.  There was only so much arranging I could do to avoid Liam or his question.

I come here every Sunday to put these flowers on his grave.

Mom told me, he replied.  She comes every Sunday after Sunday dinner.  She thinks your flowers are beautiful.  I come here myself before I go to dinner.  I probably just miss you, here, he stated.  The tone of his voice was flat.

I nodded.  How many times did we just cross paths, barely missing each other at Jamie’s grave?  What would we have said to each other?  What could we say?

Dia, they asked me to talk to you.

My head snapped towards him.  Why?

You’re avoiding the entire family, he declared.

I glanced back at Jamie’s headstone.  I was avoiding him.  I’m just trying to deal with this hurt, I replied.

He didn’t say anything at first.  Then he said, They are all worried that you are using again.

I frowned at him.  I’m not using, Liam.

I wouldn’t use, especially not now that I was pregnant.  I knew what drugs did to babies.  I sure as hell wouldn’t do that to mine.  I looked at Liam.  Our baby, I clarified in my mind.

I wanted a better start for my child.  A different life than I had.  I would be the parent than mine wasn’t.  I know that everyone said that about their parents but I promised myself this from the moment that I suspected I was pregnant.

Why are you avoiding everyone? Liam asked me.  What could I say?  Today.  Right here.  Right now, wasn’t the time to tell him that he was going to be a father.  I wasn’t ready.  So, may fears, so many thoughts were going through my head. I needed to work through them first.

Sam told Dad avoiding family is the first sign that you’re hiding your drug habit.  You’ve stopped going to meetings.  You won’t talk to Ronan or Skylar.  He’s really concerned about you, Dia.  He cupped my chin in his hand and turned my head towards him.  Be honest with me, if no one else.  Are you using again to deal with the pain of losing Jamie?

I yanked my head away from his grip.  I am not using.  I got to my feet.  I heard Liam’s heavy sigh.  I snatched up the dead flowers and marched to the trash bin where I tossed them then I headed towards my car.  Liam followed me.  I heard his footsteps right behind me.

I don’t believe you, Dia, he shouted at me.

I don’t care, Liam.

I couldn’t tell him yet.  Not like this.  Not until I had processed this conundrum I had created if only in my own mind.  I didn’t know how he would react.  I couldn’t imagine anyone in the family would be happy about this baby.

We’re just concerned.  We all love you, Dia.  Liam was following me.  His tone and his manner was soft.  His words heavy with heartbreak.

The last seven weeks had been hard.  Harder than anything I had ever dealt with besides my mother’s death because I had let down my guard and let Jamie in, this was another heartbreak that I didn’t know existed. 

This was why I didn’t let people in but Jamie hadn’t given me a choice.  He broke down all my defenses.  What had happened?  He left me with broken promises and broken dreams.

Liam, let me go. I begged him.  His body was blocking my car door.

I want you to come to dinner today.  Start going to meetings.  We don’t want to lose you too.

I shoved against his chest.  I hit him hard.  The emotion in me swelling to an overwhelming threshold; threatening my fragile emotional state.  Banking at the edge of losing it all, I breathed in and out.  I didn’t want to explode on him and tell him the truth about why I had been staying away.  I was avoiding him.

He gripped my arms.  Dia, promise me you’ll do that.  I can’t lose you too.

Dammit, I’m not using.  I promise.

His hands dropped to his sides as if touching me hurt him.  I believe you. Liam sounded relieved.  Then why won’t you come to Sunday dinner.  Sam comes with Tina.

He had been avoiding me.  It was hard enough to lose Jamie.  I couldn’t face him or his family when I was carrying this secret inside me.  His baby.

Tears hung at the corner of my own eyes holding onto my lashes until finally they spilled down my cheeks.  I didn’t want to tell him like this.

I had to get things straight in my own mind first.  I didn’t know how Liam would take it.  I closed my eyes and bit hard on my lower lip, nearly drawing blood.  I choked on the words, Liam, I’m not using drugs.  Now let me go.  I just need to go home.  I need to sort through this by myself.

I believe you, he replied leaning back against my car door to prevent me from leaving still.

Whether it was the pregnancy hormones or the pain of the last few weeks, I started sobbing.  I covered my face with my hands.

Liam pulled me to him.  Dia, I’m sorry.  This is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have touched you that night.  It was wrong.  I’ve made things awkward between us.

I shook my head.  I could have...should have said no.

I wish that you had because I wasn’t strong enough to.

I pulled away from him.  Liam, I just want to go home.  Please.

You won’t come to dinner with me?

Not today.  People will pick up that there is something wrong.  I can’t answer questions today.  I feel too raw.  I’ll spill the truth to everyone that we slept together.  I’m a terrible liar.  There was so much more bubbling below the surface that I could just explode and tell.  That would not be good.

He opened the Jeep’s door so I could slide inside.  I’ll call you, he told me.

I nodded and drove out of the cemetery leaving Liam behind.

CHAPTER TWO

DIA

When I saw Tina on the following Monday, I lied and told her I didn’t do the test because I was crampy and felt like I was going to start my period.  She didn’t push me but I don’t think that she believed me either.

After three weeks, I was no closer to any conclusions about this situation than I had been when I saw Liam at the cemetery but I was more scared because I was alone and pregnant.

Liam didn’t call me but I wasn’t surprised.  He was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him.

This secret was tearing me apart.  I needed to tell someone.  I also needed to see a doctor and needed advice about who to see.  After work on a Saturday at three, I called Bronagh and asked her if I could drop by to talk to her. 

Bronagh had always been there for me.  She told me to come on over.  Shawn was still at work for several more hours so, we could talk in private.

I remembered this house from when I was kid.  She would pick me up at the jail and take me here.  It had belonged to her father and she had inherited it when he died.  Bronagh and Shawn raised their brood here.

When I arrived Bronagh was on the porch swing.  Many conversations had taken place right here, on this very swing.  Some of them not so pleasant scolding’s that she felt driven to give me because of the path that I was taking.  I hadn’t listened and I had paid the price.  Maybe I hadn’t grown up so much since I was now pregnant and not married.

I stopped and gazed at Bronagh.  Not much had changed about her.  When I was younger, her hair touched the middle of her back in loose waves of dark curls.  Now, her hair was cut in a chin length to collar length bob.  Bronagh was still a beautiful woman in her fifties.

Her skin was paler than mine.  Her cheeks rosy pink like her full lips and her eyes were vivid green not like Liam’s paler green ones.

Our artistic talents were a bond that drew us together.  I loved Bronagh Martin.  She was the mother I needed at times when my own mother was a wreck or when she overdosed and died on me.

She had a mess of kids but her body was slender still.  She always said it was from running after them or away from Shawn but she loved our Sheriff.

You could hear it in her tone when she talked about him.  See it in her eyes when she looked at him.  They were perfect together.  She loved to tease him about being the town’s womanizer. Then Ian would throw in, until she came along.

She put her arm around me when I sat down beside her.  I leaned into her and she kissed my cheek.  Tell me what’s going on.

I’m not using drugs.

I didn’t think you were, she said softly.

Liam told me that everyone was concerned I was.  I just wanted to let you know that I’m not.

She sighed.  I wasn’t concerned.  You have this tendency to withdraw when in pain or act out, she added.  You’re a little old to paint buildings or towers so I assumed you were withdrawing.

I loved Jamie.

She hugged me to her.  I know, honey and I know you are in pain.  He was your first love, she declared.

I nodded.  So, what I’m going to tell you is going to make it seem like I didn’t love him or that I debased his memory but I can explain.

She frowned.  Dia, just tell me.

Please promise you won’t tell anyone.  I had to talk to someone.

I promise, sweetheart.  Now tell me what is going on.

I’m pregnant.  I swallowed.  I could see the surprise on her face.

But? She said with concern.

The night that Jamie died, Liam called me from a downtown bar.  He was as destroyed as I was.  Bronagh leaned back against the swing.  She was already starting to get the picture and knew that this was not going to be good.

Before Jamie and I started dating, Liam and I had dinner.  I looked at her trying to see if she understood what I was about to tell her.  She had that mom doesn’t like what you’re about to tell her, look.  He liked me Bronagh but then so did Jamie so Liam stepped back and Jamie and I started dating.

That had to be hard since he was with you a lot of the time, Bronagh stated.

I think it was hard on him.  At times, hard on me.  We went canoeing and camping or just hanging out at my cottage. I continued explaining how my friendship with Liam had developed into something comfortable for me at least if not both of us.

Oh no.

Bronagh, neither of us meant for it to happen.  We were both hurting so badly and he was drinking.  I should have stopped him but I needed him so badly.

She tugged me closer to her.  Liam is the father, Bronagh stated.

I wiped my hand across my face.  He is.

Are you sure? Bronagh asked.  She wasn’t trying to be mean by asking me that question.

I’m sure.  Jamie and I hadn’t been together.  The trip to Hocking Hills, Labor Day weekend would have been the first time for us.  Liam was my first, I explained.

She rocked the swing back and forth, quiet for a while.  Then she asked, Liam knows?

I haven’t told anyone but you.  Tina suspects.  She’s the one who gave me the pregnancy test that confirmed what I already suspected.

Well, I think the first person you need to tell is Liam then Stevie.  She’s the understanding, compassionate one of the two.  She’ll help cushion the blow for Declan.

I don’t know how I screwed this up so badly.

"Honey, you were hurting.  Liam was hurting.  People make mistakes.  No one meant to debase Jamie’s memory as you put it.  We all know how you both felt about him.  Just be honest with them.  Everyone will