Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living: A Transformative Communication Approach to Self-Realization

Cover

Second Edition

Relationships That Work

The Power of Conscious Living

A Transformative Communication Approach to Self-Realization

David B. Wolf

Foreword by Peter Burwash

Dedication Page

To Srila Rupa Gosvami,

author of

Sri Upadesamrta

(The Nectar of Instruction)

Copyright Page

Satvatove Institute

P.O. Box 1694

Alachua, FL 32616

www.satvatove.com

Second Edition EPUB, ©2017, David B. Wolf. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the author.

Illustrations by Jahnava dasi.

Edited by Kathleen A. McKee, M.S.

First Edition, 2008

Second Printing, February 2023

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.

Ebook ISBN-13: 978-0-9984843-3-4

The content of this book is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or cure any conditions without the assistance of a trained practitioner. If you are experiencing a medical condition, seek care from an appropriate licensed professional.

A Note from the Author

An integral element of my life purpose and service to the world is sharing the principles and skills of transformative communication with you. I have a deep conviction that the application of these spiritual principles and strategies will profoundly enhance your life and relationships. My experiences with people and my personal challenges to integrate eternal wisdom consistently confirm the power of conscious living and the universality of the paradigms, perspectives and tools in this book. Whoever you are, spirit-based principles of personal growth and the techniques of conscious communication will work for you. My hope is that this book will be a seed that flowers in your life, producing ever more savory fruits of soulful fulfillment and relationship satisfaction.

Relationships that work begin with the relationship with our self. On the first page, we distinguish the self from the body. To cite Teilhard de Chardin, We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.¹ The process of reading this book is meant to facilitate a connection with your authentic personality—the spiritual core that is not defined by any role you play or possessions attached to your name. As confirmed by the great wisdom traditions, this consciousness is the foundation for a life of peaceful existence, powerful vision and purposeful action.

Living from truly spiritual consciousness, our qualities of compassion, vitality and love naturally radiate. Sharing confidences with others is a heartfelt way to exchange affection. Such exchange engenders change, as we embody genuine love by supporting and challenging each other to grow. Love is the greatest wealth, and like material wealth, it can multiply. Cultivate mastery of the methods of transformative communication and you will possess the currency to express the richness of your soul in every situation and to create relationships that work.

In both practical application and philosophical foundation, this second edition provides substantially enriched opportunity for experiencing the power of conscious living.

A Note on the Second Edition

This second edition of Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living was inspired by the experiences of reading groups I facilitated to practice skills and self-discovery using the principles and processes in the first edition. In order to increase the accessibility of experiential aspects of the book, more exercises and summaries of material have been added as well as reference sections. Concepts that further support the readers self-realization have been expanded, and more real-life examples to enhance understanding, added. Beautiful illustrations created by Jahnava dasi in 2007 before the first edition now enrich the experience of the transcendental purpose of this book.

Kathleen A. McKee, M.S.

Editor

Foreword

Our entire life is based on relationships of some sort. The biggest challenge in today’s society is that so many relationships are based on what one can get for themselves personally. We have become, primarily, a materialistic society, where the internal conversations around relationships tend towards What can I get from this person for my benefit? Such an approach generally results, at best, in getting just a grain of the mountain of happiness we had expected or hoped for.

The most rewarding relationships are those where we have a strong service mentality and do not expect any return. We relate, act and give from the bottom of our heart. Some people innately have this service attitude while others need to learn. I had to learn. As an only child, I grew up thinking the world revolved around me. And when things would go wrong, I didn’t understand why.

Until I met a spiritual teacher who shared with me the two most important sayings I ever heard. The first was that our spiritual path begins the day we understand karma, and the second was that we should not be upset with the instrument of our karma.

To better understand the depth of these two statements, we must understand what karma is. In simple terms, it is the law of action and reaction, that we learn from science, applied on the subtle platforms of mind and consciousness. Or in biblical terms, As we sow, so shall we reap. Exploit, overtly or subtly, and we’ll be exploited. To the degree that we understand this, we can have a better, more fulfilling relationship with God or whoever we believe is in charge. To the extent that we dodge these truths, we’re likely to spend much energy angry and blaming.

David Wolf utilizes the metaphor of the one that gives value to a string of zeros. We can understand this one as relationship with self and relationship with Source. Placing that front and center in our life’s priorities is the most solid foundation for thriving relationships in every sphere.

Relationships That Work: The Power of Conscious Living- A Transformative Communication Approach to Self-realization provides means for effective communication, for knowing ourselves, for knowing each other and the Absolute, and for living life aligned with highest purpose. Life involves inherent struggle and without such understanding of self and purpose, that struggle is often experienced as empty or meaningless, resulting in a lot of the energy of our lives being directed towards numbing or running from that experience of despair.

Dr. Wolf’s contribution with this work is distinctively sublime in its integration of practical skills and penetrating import. Through contemplation of the universal principles in this book, and application of the methods, we get to achieve something wonderfully exciting; we change our karma, and create lots more of the good kind. And much more vital than that, we actually get glimpses of transcending karma altogether.

This happens through full engagement in conscious living, as delineated in Relationships That Work. With the light of the knowledge contained in this volume, we have the capacity to practically eliminate life-alienating experiences of disappointment, resentment and discouragement. Calm and composed in these realizations, with the soul satisfied in itself, we get to build truly meaningful relationships, thereby enhancing our sphere of service, which is the real reason we are here.

Peter Burwash

Founder, Peter Burwash International (founded in 1975, the largest tennis management company in the world).

Author of eleven books such as, The Key to Great Leadership, Total Health, Vegetarian Primer, Improving the Landscape of Your Life, and Tennis for Life.

Inducted into five Halls of Fame.

Part One

Spiritual Principles of Personal Growth

Who Am I?

Expressions such as awakening, enlightenment, self-­improvement and personal development have become household words. But what do they really mean? What is it that awakens or enlightens? What is the self that improves? Who is the one that develops?

Through science we know that the body continuously changes and transforms itself. Not one cell in your current body was part of your five-year-old body. Yet when you look at a childhood photo you think, That is me when I was five, although the body is completely different. So how do we recognize ourselves? Clearly there is something that remains the same, apart from bodily and even mental changes. This something indicates an identity separate from the body and mind, an unchanging spiritual essence. It is to this spiritual essence that the world’s wisdom traditions point.

To cite Teilhard de Chardin, We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.¹ The process of reading this book is meant to facilitate connection with your authentic spiritual personality. The focal point for spiritual principles of personal growth is our true identity beyond the physical body and subtle mind. To be satisfying and complete, our self-help endeavors must recognize this non-physical self. It is common to lose connection with this essential self, even without realizing we have done so. Søren Kierkegaard once stated, The greatest danger, that of losing one’s own self, may pass off quietly as if it were nothing; every other loss, that of an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, is sure to be noticed.²

Athato brahma jijnasa.³ This well-known Sanskrit aphorism helps me to remember my spiritual identity and purpose in life. The meaning of the adage is, Now is the time to inquire into the nature of ultimate reality. It signifies that now that we possess a human form of life, we have a responsibility to deliberate about spiritual matters. There is some obvious importance to fulfilling the needs of the body, such as eating, sleeping and shelter. However, if our inquiries and endeavors do not extend beyond that, then we are not realizing the capacity of our spirit. If I buy an expensive computer and use it as a doorstop, it will not fulfill its actual potential. Just as the computer can accomplish much more than stopping a door, so too we can use our bodies, mind and intelligence to elevate our consciousness for the purpose of spiritual progress.

Since the word spiritual is used in a variety of ways, it is important to define my understanding of the term. By spiritual I mean beyond, or not limited by, materially based identifications, such as I am thin, I am the mother of this child, I look great in a suit, I am a member of this religion, or, I am a very disciplined person. These appellations apply to the covering of the spirit self, but not to the actual self.

I drive a Toyota. Naturally I care for the car, keeping it tuned up and filled with the right fluids. But if I think that my own thirst is quenched when I fill the car with gasoline, I am under an illusion and will not be satisfied. I do not believe that I am Japanese just because the car was made in Japan, any more than I would believe myself to be German if I were driving a Mercedes-Benz. Clearly this is a foolish idea. Yet if we identify with designations that apply to the temporary body (the vehicle) rather than the spiritual self, we are making the same mistake.

Just as the owner of the car changes to another car when the old one is finished, our spirit changes to another body at the time of death. Recognizing and attending to material designations or roles may serve the spiritual journey, just as an automobile can facilitate travel to the destination. But misidentification of the self with these designations is a diversion from our pursuit of spiritual understanding. It often leads to many unhealthy "isms," such as nationalism, sexism and racism.

Bodies change, but spiritual identity remains. Thoughts also change. Some bring a smile to our face, others are embarrassing. Some are practical, some are outlandish. But we are not our thoughts. So what is the nature of this thing that thinks, that uses fingers to write with a keyboard, that peers through eyes that read the words, So what is the nature of this thing that thinks?

The Nature of Spirit

Great wisdom traditions affirm that our nature reflects the Supreme. In the Book of Genesis of the Bible, for example, it is said that we are created in the image of God.⁴ What is this supreme nature that we represent? Is it fearful? Confused? Resentful? Weak? Overwhelmed with anxiety? When I think of divine nature, I envision qualities such as power, vitality, fearlessness, contentment and compassion. In accord with the world’s major wisdom traditions, my conviction is that our fundamental nature is spiritual and sacred, inherently balanced, whole and complete. This understanding underlies the principles and process of this book.

The Vedic body of spiritual knowledge that has inspired much of my thought describes the central qualities of our spirit as sat, chit and ananda.⁵ This means that we are constitutionally eternal, conscious and blissful. We can understand something about this nature by observing ourselves. For example, whether through anti-lock brakes or thermonuclear devices, much of our energy is employed in eluding death. Why? Because as spiritual beings we are not meant to die. Each of us seeks to expand our consciousness, perhaps through a study of history, philosophy, or maybe through the politics and economics of the day. We strive for happiness, knowledge, and eternity in so many ways, but often do not find the joy and fulfillment we seek. This indicates that our activities may be misdirected with respect to spiritual development, and leads us to wonder, What is my essential activity as a spiritual being?

Service as Our Dharma

To enrich understanding of our innate spiritual qualities, the principle of dharma is very helpful. Dharma refers to that which cannot be separated from a thing. Fire, for example, can be used for different purposes, such as cooking. Cooking, however, is not the dharma of fire, because fire can exist without cooking. Heat is the dharma of fire. Heat is an intrinsic, inseparable quality of fire.

From observation we can understand that our dharma is to serve. As sugar cannot avoid being sweet, so we too cannot avoid serving. It is our constitutional nature. Where there is a human being, there is service. We may direct our propensity for service in different directions. Perhaps we serve our nation, family or company, our belly, an ideology or our species. The way in which we manage our propensity to serve will greatly influence our experiences of life, and of ourselves.

If our inherent tendency to serve is applied only toward bodily gratification, the spiritual self is left unfulfilled. Being spiritual, our nature is spiritual service. Spiritual service means that our endeavors enhance the spiritual lives of ourselves and others. One important principle of personal growth is to be a source for the spiritual development of others. Service is the natural activity that evokes the joy of the soul.

For our service to be complete and satisfying, it needs to address the spirit—the driver of the car. Spiritual growth is not an exercise in self-absorption. It involves determined dedication to the highest aspirations of others. We can think of our spiritual core as the root of the tree of our being.

Just as watering or serving the root automatically nourishes all parts of the tree, attending to our spirit nurtures each dimension of ourselves—including the physical, intellectual, emotional and social. Truly being of service to others means relating to them as essentially spiritual in nature.

Examining Assumptions

Throughout this book you will have the opportunity to examine assumptions by which you live your life. Awareness of our assumptions, or belief systems, enables us to consider whether they actually work for us. It also allows us to be open to alternative, more satisfying possibilities for viewing ourselves and the world. Being conscious of our assumptions helps us to take responsibility for changing them—or purposefully utilizing them—rather than letting our belief systems determine our lives from beneath the conscious surface.

Already I have shared some of my assumptions, including the conviction that we are inherently spiritual persons whose nature it is to serve. Another assumption I embrace is that each of us possesses the capacity to handle his or her life with a high level of effectiveness. This is consistent with the understanding of the intrinsic qualities of the self described above. In expressing our innate qualities we are able to produce extraordinary results in our lives. The process of spiritual growth described in this book is meant to serve as testimony to this assumption.

Presuppositions can filter our perception of reality, often preventing us from accessing our facility for conscious choice. Let us take a look at how this process conceals awareness.

I recall an experiment in an undergraduate cognitive psychology class. We, the approximately two-dozen students, were the subjects. The professor showed us a film about a minute long of a staged robbery on a city street. Afterwards each student completed a questionnaire of twenty closed-ended items. The questions dealt with details of the movie crime we had just witnessed, including items such as, Did the robber have a gun?, Did the robbery victim hold her purse in her left hand? and Did you notice a bakery on the street? Next to each yes or no response we indicated whether we were not sure or sure about that response, and, if we were sure, whether we would be willing to give this response under oath in court. After again viewing the film and tallying the results we found that every person in the class had been willing to testify to at least one lie.

Look at the phrases in the triangles below.

Read aloud what they say.

Now look again at the triangles and phrases. Again, read aloud what you see. If you read, SLOW MEN AT WORK and ONCE IN A LIFETIME, read again, because that is not what is written. This time, as you read, point to each word.

What do the phrases actually say? Do you notice the sentences read, "SLOW