Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Ebook222 pages3 hours

Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

4/5

()

Read preview

About this ebook

Put healthy, responsible boundaries into daily practice.

An essential companion to the bestselling book, Boundaries Workbook provides practical guidance and tools for setting boundaries in the home, workplace, and digital spaces.

Following the latest edition of Boundaries chapter-by-chapter, this official workbook's interactive exercises are designed to help you further develop healthy boundaries, resolve conflicts, and log your thoughts, progress, and successes along the way.  

  • Additional readings, examples, and situations.
  • Reflection and discussion questions.
  • Journaling prompts.
  • Biblical wisdom with verse references and prayers.  
  • Further reading resources.

 

Boundaries Workbook gives you the support and the Scripture you need to help others respect your boundaries—whether you want to improve your work-life balance or you're practicing saying no when someone asks you to volunteer for one more activity.

Discover firsthand that having good, biblical boundaries gives you the freedom to live as the loving, generous, fulfilled person God created you to be.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherZondervan
Release dateFeb 27, 2018
ISBN9780310352907
Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Author

Dr. Henry Cloud

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, pastor to pastors, and New York Times bestselling author. His 45 books, including the iconic Boundaries, have sold over 20 million copies worldwide. Throughout his storied career as a clinician, he started treatment centers, created breakthrough new models rooted in research, and has been a leading voice on issues of mental health and leadership on a global scale. Dr. Cloud lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.  

Read more from Dr. Henry Cloud

Related to Boundaries Workbook

Related ebooks

Christianity For You

View More

Related articles

Reviews for Boundaries Workbook

Rating: 3.7916666666666665 out of 5 stars
4/5

24 ratings19 reviews

What did you think?

Tap to rate

Review must be at least 10 words

  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    A good friend of mine read this book and recommended it to me. Then coincidentally my son started reading it. So I thought I'd pick it up, not expecting it to be as good as it is! This is probably one of the best books I've read this year. The authors are Christian and come from that orientation, but anyone could read this book and be transformed by its truths. The chapters cover boundary setting in different spheres of life- work, marriage, with children, aging parents, and with oneself. They talk about guilt, and for me one of the most important concepts- owning one's problems. So ( and this is an oversimplification) if you are annoyed by someone's being consistently late- just let him/her know that next time you hope she'll be on time but if not you'll leave w/o her. Whoa! It's so simple, but so few people actually do this! They, including me, will cajole, remind, nag, family members to get ready, hurry up, c'mon, we're going to be late, etc.. Instead of setting a boundary... So.. I tried it with my daughter. And lo and behold.. now she knows I'll leave for the gym w/o her if she's not ready. And guess what? She's prompt now! So... not that this is a magic cure.. but just one simple example of taking control of yourself and letting consequences happen naturally . Love it. I plan to re-read this from time to time. Highly recommend.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Some good things to say but alot of unhelpful advice. Read I Kissed Dating Goodbye it's much more clear.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is a book that I have to read many times over, the concept of letting go of the bad to let in the good resonated more than anything. Yes the book is repetitive, but the more you read something, the more you will understand and retain. Each person carries their own daily load, but we all share our burdens.
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    I agree with the concepts put forward in this book, though I found it almost impossible to read from a literature point of view. I assume that Cloud and Townsend have tried to write it so that it can be read and understood by anyone, which leaves it extremely bland, repetitive and poorly written. Rather than expand well on the topic or go into greater depth, they have repeated their concepts over and again, applying the same formula to multitudes of case studies. This book could be condensed to about 20 pages, if people can't get the same thought process out of that they aren't going to. It was a good idea, but very poorly executed, they may have done better to employ a ghost writer.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Found this book very helpful. Easy to read and grasp the principles. Essential advice for survival in marriage and parenting and friendships
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I'm surprised to be giving this a full five stars, seeing as Dr. Cloud is an evangelical Christian - and writes like one! - and I'm agnostic/atheist. But it earns the full five stars. What he says about boundaries (and the way to sanity) is something pretty much everyone in the modern world needs to hear in some form. If you can deal with a bit of Christianity without it driving you totally nuts (and, really, it's not all that strong, doesn't sound like a Bible study or anything), then I'd highly recommend this book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I would give this book 10 stars if I could... life changing.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Good, basic thoughts on setting boundaries in your life.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Excellent read. It was recommended to me by someone who encouraged me and prayed with me. It changed the way I dealt with people, and my way of perceiving in general. If there is one book I'd recommend without reserve, it'd be this one.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A helpful book in understanding how to define and set healthy boundaries for the Christian life.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Many good insights. I can understand those who say it was life-changing. It was recommended to me with the caveat that I'd have to not be distracted by the many Christian and biblical references. I find that's good advice. Don't avoid reading it just because you're not from a religious background; that can just be considered window dressing. The book offers a lot of help to those who are burned out or stressed by daily demands or difficult people.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I first read this book in the 1990s, at about the same time I read The Joshua Factor. Cloud and Townsend integrate their psychological and theological understandings in a refreshing manner. It is unashamedly Christian in focus, but that need not deter the non-Christian from taking note of the lessons, and adapting the spiritual aspects to their own faith or spirituality. What I like about the book is the applicability of boundary lessons, especially to areas of one's life that are deeply familial and personal. This is the book's strength, and when combined with the psychological foundations and research, the messages are powerful. I am pleased to have re-read this book, and the timing was perfect. The quote I wrote down over and over again while reading this was "Own the problem" (p. 207). And Proverbs 19:3 kept coming back to me: "The foolishness of man twists his way, and his heart frets against the Lord" (NKJV). If the non-Christian reader can identify with the philosophical and spiritual bases drawn upon in the book, there is much wisdom to be gained. A work well worth reading as part of one's end-of-year reflection.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This is a very helpful book. The authors cover a wide variety of different types of boundary issues, so naturally, the reader will find it difficult to relate to some of them. My experience was that I related quite strongly to some and couldn't relate at all to others. Still, it's certainly a very worthwhile book to read if you or someone you know is struggling with a personal boundary issue of some kind - be it spouse, family, friends, work or church. They're all pretty well covered here.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    just ok as a book. The concept is simple and straight forward but the book is rather tedious.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Front row placement on my bookshelves, so I can refer to it often. This book is beautifully written, with scriptural and historical data to explain and clarify sociological expectations and create more functional relations.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    The author elaborates on the topic of boundaries from a Christian viewpoint. Often Christians feel that they must take on every request made of them. This book emphasizes that that is not a Christian viewpoint. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.Several quotes that I saved will give the flavor of the book.“Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you must firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must access your talents and limitations. And then you must step out as God leads you. “ p 224“Do not make an idol out of willpower.” P 225“Although God wants us to respect his boundaries, he also says ‘Come let us reason together’ ”. Isa 1:18 p 240And there are some statements that I have a harder time agreeing with:“Some people will find out that the holy, just God of the OT isn’t so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries.” P 280I will never forget how, when first challenged to read the Bible through when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was appalled, almost traumatized, to read how the OT God told the Israelites to not only kill the mothers but rip the babies from their wombs.Anyway, whether I agreed with everything or not, it was an interesting read.
  • Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
    1/5
    Religious scripture. Not business or humanities science.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    There is some very useful stuff in this book, but I do not believe the authors distinguish enough between keeping those boundries up about the bad while loosening up about the good. They SAY that, but in their examples they do not encourage that.To explain, let me use the story at the end of the book, which is a woman's day when she has her boundaries functioning "properly." The discipline she teaches her childing is good, but as for the rest of it, what love does she show? Does she help bear the burdens of those around her, as we are instructed to do in Galatians 6?Obviously not. In fact, she dumps her work onto her assistant so she can skip out early, makes herself a pest to her husband until he conforms to her wishes, and hangs up on a friend who had called her for help.Before boundaries, she was a wreck, it is true. Yet is the solution to being stressed an abandonment of Christian responsibility, or is it to lean on God for more patience?I would rather be tearing my hair out in service than to assert myself in what I would consider an unchristian way. The authors have laid out a method by which you can make everyone around you do your bidding. And yet the first shall be last in the end. Let me be a servant!

Book preview

Boundaries Workbook - Dr. Henry Cloud

Introduction

One of the most serious problems facing Christians today is confusion about boundaries. Many sincere, dedicated believers struggle with tremendous confusion about when it is biblically appropriate to set limits. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they raise good questions:

Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

What are legitimate boundaries?

What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?

Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

How do boundaries relate to submission?

Aren’t boundaries selfish?

Why is it difficult for me to hear no from other people?

Why do I tend to want to control other people when I don’t get what I want?

Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. The inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.

Misinformation about what the Bible says about boundaries can also be destructive. To counter such wrong thinking, this study guide and the accompanying text present a biblical view of boundaries: what they are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. As you read the book and work through this guide, you will find answers to the questions listed above—and more. In fact, our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as you grow in him.

DR. HENRY CLOUD

DR. JOHN TOWNSEND

NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA

Part One

What Are Boundaries?

Chapter 1

What Does a Boundary Look Like?

Give Me Something to Hope For

It’s sometimes easier to see in other people the very thing we would do well to change in ourselves. Look again at Sherrie’s day. Read through the entries from 6:00 a.m. to 11:50 p.m. and see how closely your life resembles her boundaryless day (pp. 15–26).¹

•Where do you see yourself in Sherrie’s actions and thoughts? Be as specific as possible.

[Your Notes]

•Who in your life could be cast in the role of Sherrie’s mother (p. 16); her husband, Walt (pp. 17, 22–25); her friend, Lois (p. 18); her demanding boss, Jeff (p. 19); the encouraging teacher, Mrs. Russell (pp. 19–20); her unreachable daughter, Amy (p. 21); and the ministry leader, Phyllis, with yet another request (p. 22)? Who treats you the way these people treated Sherrie? Whose words and actions elicit the same kind of response (emotional and otherwise) from you that these people elicited from Sherrie?

[Your Notes]

•How did you respond to the way Sherrie used Scripture as she made decisions that violated her—at best—shaky boundaries?

[Your Notes]

•If Sherrie came to you for advice, what would you say to her? How would you diagnose her problem? Which of your own words of advice would you do well to heed?

[Your Notes]

We can probably all identify with Sherrie’s dilemma—her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her guilt. And, above all, her sense that her life is out of control. Trying harder isn’t working for her. Being nice out of fear isn’t working for her. Taking responsibility for others isn’t working for her. Sherrie still suffers severely from her inability to take ownership of her life. She has great difficulty knowing what things are her responsibility and what things are not. In her desire to do the right thing or to avoid conflict, she ends up taking on problems that God never intended her to take on (pp. 26–27).

•Look at your life through this lens. What problems have you taken on that God may never have intended you to take on?

[Your Notes]

•What motivated you to take on those problems you just listed—your desire to do the right thing, your efforts to avoid conflict, your fear of disappointing someone or not being liked, a sense of guilt, an inner should, or something else?

[Your Notes]

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries (p. 27).

•Why are you confused about boundaries—about when and how to draw them for yourself or even whether drawing boundaries is okay? What has happened to foster that confusion?

[Your Notes]

•Why are Christians especially susceptible to confusion about boundaries?

[Your Notes]

The questions listed in the introduction and below reflect some of the confusion we Christians may have about boundaries.

Can I set limits and still be a loving person?

What are legitimate boundaries?

What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?

Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

How do boundaries relate to mutual submission in marriage?

Aren’t boundaries selfish?

Is it difficult for me to hear no from other people?

Do I tend to want to control other people when I don’t get what I want?

•Which of these questions have you wondered about? Which questions do you especially want answers for?

[Your Notes]

•What do you want to gain from this study besides answers to those questions? What hopes and goals do you have for yourself?

[Your Notes]

As you proceed through this study and work toward the goals you have set for yourself, remember that this book aims to help you see the deeply biblical nature of boundaries as they operate in the character of God, his universe, and his people. Remember, too, that our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately so that you can experience the relationships and achieve the purposes that God intends for you as his child.

A Little Boundary Clarification

Remember the story of Joshua (pp. 29–31)? His parents paid his bills, fretted over his circumstances, worried about his future, and exerted much energy to keep him going. Joshua didn’t study, plan, or work, yet he had a nice place to live, plenty of money, and all the rights of a family member who was doing his part. He was irresponsible and happy—and they were responsible and miserable.

And remember how we helped his parents see that? We compared Joshua to a man who never watered his lawn. Whenever his neighbors turned on their sprinkler system, the water fell on Joshua’s lawn. Their grass was turning brown and dying, but Joshua saw his green grass and thought his yard was doing fine. We suggested that they define the property lines a little better and fix the sprinkler system so that water would fall on their own lawn. Perhaps then, when Joshua didn’t water his lawn and found himself living in dirt, he would recognize that he had a problem and would do something about it (p. 30).

•Where are you watering someone else’s yard while your own grass withers and dies?

[Your Notes]

•Where are you letting someone else water your yard?

[Your Notes]

•Is it cruel to stop watering someone else’s yard? Would it be cruel for the person who is watering your yard to stop? Why or why not?

[Your Notes]

Invisible Property Lines and Responsibility

In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see (p. 31).

•What boundaries in the physical world do you deal with every day?

[Your Notes]

•What kind of boundaries do you think need to exist in the spiritual world?

[Your Notes]

•Why are spiritual boundaries as important as physical boundaries?

[Your Notes]

The goal of this lesson is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an everpresent reality that can increase your love and save your life. These boundaries define your soul and help you guard and maintain it (Proverbs 4:23) (p. 31).

Me and Not Me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where you end and someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership. We have to deal with what is in our soul (Proverbs 14:10), and boundaries help us define what that is. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family or other past relationships have confused us about our parameters (pp. 31–32).

•Explain how knowing what you are to own and take responsibility for gives you freedom.

[Your Notes]

•Why does pain result when we are not shown the parameters of our soul or are taught wrong parameters?

[Your Notes]

To and For

We are responsible to others and for ourselves.

•What does Galatians 6:2 teach about responsibility to others?

[Your Notes]

•When has someone in your life followed Christ’s example of sacrificial love and denied himself or herself in order to do for you what you could not do for yourself?

[Your Notes]

•When have you followed Christ’s example of sacrificial love and denied yourself in order to do for others what they could not do for themselves?

[Your Notes]

Now look at Galatians 6:5. The Greek words for burden and load give important insight into these two verses. Burden means excess burdens, boulders that we need help carrying. Load means cargo or the burden of daily toil. These loads are like knapsacks. A knapsack is possible to carry, and we are expected to carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given us, even though it takes effort. In addition, we are not to carry the knapsacks of others (Luke 9:23) (pp. 32–33).

•When have you acted as if your boulders are your daily load and have refused help? Where are you doing this today?

[Your Notes]

•When have you acted as if your daily load is a boulder that you shouldn’t have to carry? Where are you doing this today?

[Your Notes]

•What have these two questions helped you see about yourself—and what will you do with what you have learned?

[Your Notes]

In order to not stay in pain or become irresponsible, it is important that you determine what me is, where your boundary of responsibility lies, and where someone else’s begins. Let’s look more closely now at the nature of boundaries (p. 33).

Good In, Bad Out

Boundaries help us distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside. We need to keep the good in and the bad out, and that’s what boundaries help us do (p. 33).

•The fences around our property—our boundaries—need gates in them so that we can let out the bad when it is inside. What pain and sin do you need to get out through confession so that it does not continue to poison you on the inside (Mark 7:21–23; James 5:16; 1 John 1:9)?

[Your Notes]

•We also need those gates to let in the good that may be on the outside. We need, for instance, to receive Jesus and his truth (John 1:12; Revelation 3:20). We also need to open up to the good things other people want to give us (2 Corinthians 6:11–13). What good things—from Jesus and his people—would you like to be able to receive?

[Your Notes]

Clearly, boundaries are not meant to be walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be walled off from others; in fact, it says we are to be one with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community with one another, but in every community the members have their own space and property (p. 34).

•As a result of past injury, have you reversed the function of boundaries? Where are you using them to keep the bad in and the good out? What pain are you holding inside rather than expressing it and getting it out of your soul? Where are you not opening up to the love and support from the outside that would bring healing?

[Your Notes]

God and Boundaries

This concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself (pp. 34–35).

•God defines his personality by telling us about himself. What does he tell us in the Bible about what he thinks, feels, plans, allows, doesn’t allow, likes, and dislikes? See, for instance, Genesis 12:2; Jeremiah 3:12; Ezekiel 6:9; 36:26.

[Your Notes]

•God differentiates himself from his creation, from us, and from others. He tells us who he is and who he is not. What does he say about himself in Leviticus 11:44; Isaiah 48:12; 60:16; 1 John 4:16?

[Your Notes]

•God also limits what he will allow in his yard. What, for example, do Exodus 20:1–17 and Matthew 5:21–6:4 say about those limits?

[Your Notes]

•What do Hosea 6:6, Micah 6:8, Mark 12:30–31, and 1 John 4:7–12 say about the gates in God’s fences?

[Your Notes]

God also has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their own boundaries. Each has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection and love for one another (John 17:24). We, whom he created in his likeness and whom he gave personal responsibility within limits, need to develop boundaries like God’s if we are to be effective stewards over the life he has given us (p. 35).

Examples of Boundaries

A boundary is anything that helps to differentiate you from someone else or shows where you begin and end (p. 35).

•Review the discussion of each type of boundary listed below (pp. 35–40). Then, for each one, note some biblical support (what does the Bible say or what example does

Enjoying the preview?
Page 1 of 1