Short Stories

© 2004 Rudolph Gonzales. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 02/18/05

ISBN: 1-4208-0868-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-7396-9 (ebk)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2004099091

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

Days To Remember 81 - 82

The Media Witch

The Life And Times Of Rudolph Gonzales

Gwyn’s Adventure

A Century Of Illusion

V. A. Journal

Sleeper Beware

My Peace

The Dream

A Look at the City

Tales of A Schizophrenic

The Poor

Warm Persons

About the Author

Days To Remember 81 - 82

Now there was Sue and Santos, a pathological case of uncertainty. All the people live over there at the Carribean. Slowly, the people went over there. Everyday, con games of you my friend. I’m your friend. Nothing violent, just talk. Sure.

The trip to the Middle East was not as symbolic as it is here in the MPA. Here at home, my family wants to dominate the very core of my existence. For instance, when the lights go off at night, everyone must be in bed by the time big mom hits the hay. Don’t forget the red key. One of the young girls was so beautiful that I wanted to run away with her. My God, what a beautiful person. Her sex life had nothing to do with her beautiful face. I went and still do, go out searching for her. It’s a magnetic effect. Do you think God’s master plan calls for all our behavior?

Nov. 17, 1981, 9:45 AM. I went and dropped out of my writing class. I felt sort of not wanting to find displeasure from my teacher, but of all the things, I had to get out.

The woman who had the baby on March 27th 1980, is still with my friend, her husband. She keeps house and cooks, washes, and changes the diapers. They’re doing fine. Names may mean nothing.

Working up the social ladder. Very interesting people come and go with dreams of a home, a family and a job. It’s getting close to Christmas. Gifts will be exchanged. I’ll buy this certain girl a beautiful ring.

Can’t make things too explicit. Have to follow the letter. Now, I’ve ventured out in the city life. On the street, you find many kinds of women. Young and beautiful. Old and well built. All sorts of women. I must say, I have been taking an active part in some girl choosing.

Sue has the elements of stress and conflict with roots of uncertainty. Santos, the saint, is the law giver. The eternal struggle of perfection. With these two dialogues, one can see himself in the pattern of typical Mexican American conflict. How Anglo-Saxon doctrine symbolically changed our way of thinking. Come to think of it, it’s full. I should be in Southern Mexico, enjoying some sun. No really, this mind of mine is going through some weird changes.

Many things go on at a Federal Hospital. You find World War I, II, Vietnam, and Korean veterans. We are somewhat surviving under legal lawful benefits.

I went to this certain deli. I go there everyday to drink some coffee and enjoy a pleasant stay.

North to Alaska where the oil is. Land and wealth. Really now, is it a dream of all that good? Now, where is all the promised wealth that many seek in America? There’s a book that says one must first learn how to live, then everything else falls into place.

Met my beloved girl at church. She was a beautiful sight. Her long, red-brown hair was beautifully dangling down her shoulders. As I can recall, I did propose that she become my wife. Though we aren’t married, I find it is a blessing just to know I’ll see her in church on Sunday’s.

Things change. I now find my neighbor working vigorously on his motorcycle. Time for grace after meals.

These guys went on a fishing trip. There must have been uncomfortableness, for when they returned, they came back drinking. No fish. No food. What we eat may mean the dialogue in your budgeting of your thoughts. Separate taste for separate people. Daily, I find many things troubling me. Like, will I have enough gas to last me the rest of the month? Will I ever marry? I think of eating a vigorous diet.

To top it off, I went back to visit this other girl. She is very beautiful. Couldn’t have more charming friends. I have this idea of many girl friends and not being able to make up my mind or rather she or they make up my mind for me. Well, tonight things turned out very happy. The girl I visit at the store was very happy. She even kidded around with me. I was glad to see someone happy.

Well, tomorrow is a holiday. I’m going to eat a lot and then relax all the day. The girl at the store is very beautiful. She seems as if she likes to work. When I start seeking, I find that I’m not all that sure of myself.

The woman that plays for the San Antonio Symphony was in Paris, France for two weeks. She is a jewel. Very good person. If I could say to her, look, I’ll give you ten thousand dollars for a marriage then she may say that she’s independent and suggest she make her own livelihood. Yes, but would I ever be happy with her. I see I’m after the impossible dream of finding a good Jewish girl.

The world is right before my eyes. Anything I want I can get. Like I’m specially made to have everything before me. Like a king. The king of the rivers. All over the world, the good Lord watches over me. I’m coming to believe that I’m a chosen special person. Don’t let nothing get in my way. Life’s tragedies don’t seem to bother me, for I have the good Lord on my side.

Scary feelings about many situations sometimes makes me paranoid. I feel that I’m doing something without my real will wanting to do something. Like forced labor. As forced to the breaking point.

Even the world around me seems absurd. Like nothing really matters. Just look after my fifteen thousand, I almost lost ten thousand on a bad real estate deal. I’m glad I got out of it. Next month should be charming. I’m usually broke by the fifteenth of every month. I need support from a woman. I just know I don’t make enough to live more richly. So, I put on this role and conversation that I’m going to save some money. Every month, I wind up telling my mom to lend me money. Usually from fifty to a hundred dollars. It is getting awful. I need some adjustments. More careful on my spending. It’s going to be a Christmas month this coming week. Sometimes I feel I was born drunk. No, I don’t know if alcohol is hereditary.

Sunday, soup on the stove. Visited some friends last night. Somehow I figure one emphasizes money too much. Trust me please. One can make many things happen. Searching for our Messiah, in church I have my responsibilities. Need feedback on certain projects and lifelong situations. I’ll end the thought, I ‘ll look for something else.

Running out of lines. I dreamt I ate some words. The food had letters spelled out for me. What did I take? I don’t know. Often, I wonder what goes in my stomach.

Sex at thirty five. What are it’s pros and cons? Age is a factor to some women. Never mind my sister or should I say, let her marriage be what she wants it to be. Do you think it’s fair for a brother-in-law to come and tell you all his dirty tricks or is it that he’s actually crazy for wanting to hurt our family? God does not curse a family. He curses an individual. One person’s life cannot be affected by one’s determination to which one’s purpose in life.

Everything seemed like it was coming at me. A big rush. What in the world is going on. Should I just accept it. Yes, then never know the truth of what is becoming of my inheritance.

So, I go on and write this heartbreaking romance. Romance of young girls, I search the world over. Never realizing it’s under my nose. Once again, I find conflict in thinking I found someone. I have to make the decision of moving away. I go and experience sex at massage parlors. It’s told in the open about it in television. The girl there, is a lot of fun, very neat indeed. Though, it’s obvious that young girls are always quick to bring fun to the older generation.

I don’t really know what they or anyone calls it a norm. I know I’m breaking the law. I feel I’m a mischievous person not wanting to cope with life. I’m really a sick person.

I’m going to leave home because I’m not happy with myself. I can’t find someone or I don’t really want to. Life has been good to me. I may say I’m lucky or I have some intelligence. I feel as if things are turning out kind of well.

The main trouble in massage parlors is the vice squad. Police and concerned people about the community. My opinion is that if someone wants to pay, it’s their business. I’ve turned into a criminal.

Already, it’s only the third of the month and I’ve withdrawn and cleared my amount. There’s a letter in the mailbox, saying that my mom should go live in a nursing home. Well, anyway it’s no use for them, my mom wouldn’t go for it.

Clearing the amount is like saying to yourself that you’re going to be broke this month.

At times, I go out and pay one hundred dollars for a girl. A good time.

I find myself at a friend’s house. They are having a man and wife argument. I have no knowledge of the origin of such a problem. I pray to the Lord tat they come to their senses. It’s so awful to see these things. Though, it’s none of my business, I find it quite unusual. This is the couple with the baby. She was born in March. I do hope they regroup their thoughts. Why oh God, is it that it’s some sort of depression or anxiety?

Follow up with the problem. Only small blanks of laziness. Oh my, it’s one of the things. It’s coming to the point of getting more involved. Christmas must have brought many things to mind. Cross-sections and more. Some sort of traumatic very spirited things.

I was hoping on some money from this person. I lent some money to a friend. I finally worked my way on getting those twenty back. Well, it was fun. It led me to feedback from others. The weekend was spent in Dallas and Fort Worth. The people over there were friendly, but some people over there got into some ruckus of babbling of their mouths.

I feel doctors calling out names. Making it difficult with XX’s in their genes and giving them some sort of help. XX’s on genes is a most likely thing to happen. For in schools, one makes X’s on the daily study. Let me sneak in a Vietnam experience was lacking. Congress elects officers, people elect Congress. Now, I find myself at a very studied program of being an American soldier.

Veteran of our country, piece of pie. Need to give some consideration of how I can do something for my country. I’ve slowed down on my smoking of drugs. Well, I could be a big bad guy with guns and uncertainty of life.

I’ve never owned a gun. I used military guns and used them successfully. Very well trained. Haven’t felt death creep up on me. Body, girls and the nice girls. What a fantasy I’m having. I don’t even have ambitions of living alone. I’m so used to making things seem as they are not. I’ve always been a liar, a story teller of great proportion. Well, things have turned out that next Thursday, I’m invited to a Christmas party at the Hilton.

I remember we tried to rob the chief of police on Bel Med Heights. What an ambitious adventure. My sister is home in bed. She is a little sick, but nothing serious. Then there’s a lot of girls that make me find out more about myself. Things seem to be related, like names match my own family.

This week was spent with a lot of Christmas things, parties, food, singing, gifts, money, and other sorts of things. In all, it was a healthy week. Spirits.

Anyway, I’ve made the fourteen thousand dollar mark. Who is to share my status? It isn’t much, but it’s a start into my empire. Look into the future. Live as much as we can. Think of not losing money. Why it might become a success story.

While visiting the couple with the baby born in March, I write this down. I seemed alone, realizing the my style was not exactly as I thought it was going to happen. I sort of felt a peak. Then we went to a bizarre drive-in movie. Heard all kinds of voices.

My queen at the eleven o’clock mass at St. Johns Church. I once wrote her a letter proposing marriage. I didn’t get any feedback from her. I don’t know if I scared her or made her happy that I was proposing her charm. Very beautiful girl. I’ve saved for years and I’m ready to give it all to her. What a mind. She is beautiful. Well, just by name, but not cash. Just economic status.

Decided to grow a goatee. Needs to be trimmed. I’ll see how long I can take care of it. Like a disguise.

Now, there was a time of my life, when I worked in a store. My boss was making love and feeling out a very personal friend of mine. God only knows our wretched nature.

Once again, I repeat my old friend. A girl that I won’t mention her name. Anyway, we were having a friendly chat when suddenly the door knocked. Come in, she said. In walks her lover, looks at me and expresses jealousy. He then says, if I wanted to make him mad. Says he’s going somewhere and leaves. I don’t really know what to expect from this guy. I’m having to hope he can see it’s just a friendly affair. I really don’t think I’ll marry this girl I wrote about. The old people that sit around all day are very upset.

Old people feel like they are put aside and forgotten. In my care, it’s that my age and thoughts are distorted.

It’s six o’clock pm, Tuesday, December 15, halfway to the end of the month.

Follow my feet, I’ll lead you to heaven. Peace and love. My old friend called me tonight. She is working for her parents. Her birthday is December 2nd.

I’m studying a book in White House Diplomacy, how people think and work with one another. After so many years of work, one finds himself helplessly bored. With no attention, they wind up in the hospital. It’s getting to be too much red tape.

What are you trying to figure out? It’s material things or fleshy things. Does one put the two together? Mom always says wrong things to our leaders. Very unkind.

Besides not wanting to dance, I just saw some exercising to music on tv. Today is December 18, 1981, seven o’clock am. The cold is thirty degrees and the morning is breaking down. Very cold indeed. Here at home, it’s very cozy and warm. I have a lot of clothes on me.

Now, I go back to this other girl. Tomorrow I’m going to buy her some diamond earrings hoping I’ll get some feedback from her. Well, I’m just throwing money away because I have the feeling that she will absolutely reject me. Yeah, what am I going to fool with now?

In private family life, I find myself with two half-sisters. My mom being in the middle, makes the quiet whisper into madness and anguish, making things unfair and between two families.

I visited a relative this weekend. I almost fell for a loan debt. I’m not interested in getting too much help. I really am not free. I’m not financially free.

There’s a way of forcing one to sign a signature, by forcing one’s hands. I’m not really forcing someone’s hand. The weather today, Sunday, December 20, 1981, six o’clock pm is rainy and foggy.

It is the first day of winter, 80 degrees. It’s like summer. It’s very different. Well anyway, I took some diamond earrings to a friend and gave a set to my sister. Things are turning out very neat. I like to note my existence. The holiday season is getting better. A lot of people all over are getting involved. The girl I gave the earrings to typed a book for me.

I’ve got caught on saving and loans. I’m just putting money in the bank. Anyway, I’m slowly saving money. I’m not having a hard time. Well, a relative asked me to lend him twelve hundred dollars. I was willing but my family entered on my behavior to forget the problem and look after myself. I at times lived on welfare in California. I worked the streets in delirium and somehow God helped me through with all my problems. Anyway, the family feels as if they won a victory by continuing me their favor.

Now, this story goes back when my mother had the problem of two husbands. The first dying and then me being born out of her second husband. The brother and I have a conflict of interest.

Today is Christmas, 1981. I spent it dry. I didn’t touch a thing. Well observed. Not a molecule or atom of alcohol. The weight of any structure could divert my intestinal system. Besides I’m not all that clean, I have the problem of smoking.

Only half of the family was together for Christmas. There’s a girl that has brought up the issue of breaking hearts. Wow, what happened to her? Anyway, next Saturday is my birthday. Don’t know what events would come up. The weather is clean, a little cool but fresh. Well, so much for me, what about other people’s feelings? What does Christmas mean to them?

A week of partying. Nice things, gifts, and plenty of food. Went to visit the couple, the one’s that had the baby in March of 1980. Well, it was a thing to see how the little girl is growing up.

For an age of 35, I almost have my feet in the church and another foot in the street. I should make a decision to choose the church or the street. There’s a girl at church. I see her every Sunday. Very beautiful, even her hair is beautiful. Her eyes are jewels. Her skin like snow. I’m a little in love with her. I’ve even discussed her with the preacher, our priest. Though I still find myself as a selfish, immature man, I’ve drifted away from the alter for so long that it doesn’t matter what ever becomes of me. May something develop.

If you plan on messing around with older men, pick the singles. I want names and production , says the king. Look, a person says, you demand too much, you need some balance. Some people just like to give orders and if anybody is going to give orders, it’s going to be me, says the king. We have fabricated. It’s been going on for a long time, says a priest. Our temple now belongs to a certain man. Who is this man, exclaims the king. It’s a man that wins at his beliefs. He is doing very well. That’s all for that.

Having roasted nuts. Very good. I visited a friend that goes back to ‘71 and ‘72. We sort have turned things around. I’m just not getting the proper feedback, so I’m changing the story without a good backup book to rely on. I’ll have to do my best.

Getting some home cooked meal. Rely on my mom to cook for me. I know I’m being helped. I feel wonderful, but it’s no help. It’s legal and perfectly alright. You know, somehow all my friends are trying to tell me something. Have children is what they’re mentioning.

It’s the end of the year. Our personality was now fourteen thousand in savings and extra couple of hundred to spend. Yeah, he was happy. A well to do person and determined to reach his goal. The coming year had a brighter outlook. With the extra income, things were going to be more realistic. Even a new car was in store for our character. I shaved off the beard. Things didn’t change much since mid year. The character sort of raised back his money to the high point of that year so things sort of came out even.

Happy New Year!

Visited some friend and got to spend warm situations. Explained some girl to me that she was set free and became a closer friend to me. Don’t know what it’s all leading to.

Well, it has been a common practice for me to spend as much money as I can a week after the first. Surprisingly, these past five days have been very tidy or it’s very controlled let’s say. I’m not spending that much as I used to. I should hold out as long as possible. If I budget right, I’m able to go places. Trying to budget enough for gas and a little recreation. Anyway, it’s going to have to work out right.

Made a ten thousand dollar business deal today. On Sunday, at church I was seeing colors and sort of flashbacks and I decided to visit the hospital. Haven’t heard a thing from the writer’s club. It’s a little unusual, playing with my dog. It’s a lovely January 5, 1982 day. Warm, sunny, and clear skies. The wind is cool and the sky is blue. Sitting on the green grass, I can remember grass. Following the line, I enjoyed in the cool breeze. Not wanting those girls and have my money taken. Once we were filled with laughter. Our lives were centered in love, happiness, and compassion. We look wealthy. We had what little we could afford. Visited relatives and had a nice dinner. Though I always resolve about going back to bad thoughts. It’s what I make of it. What I want to see.

Strangely enough, some large big bird was on my backyard. I got to see him. Then again, I didn’t capture him or her. Everywhere, I see couples with children and a family member. It’s very neat. How God can bring people together. Some have blessings. All sorts of stories and a kind of togetherness.

The author Pugo is a person with an audience of crime and big money. Harold Robbins is a military hierarchy setup of writing all sorts of American writers. I’m in to thrillers, drugs, espionage, and sex.

In the evening, millions of working people sit to read the daily bargains on the newspapers. It just goes to show you that even any kind of sales person to read to the public.

Today I had breakfast where a nice lovely Mexican girl works. I’ve been thinking she has been there for a long time. She does seem too familiar to me.

One has eyes, symbols, and threads. It starts as a private. Private, first class, specialist four, sergeant and so on. To officers, lieutenants, captains, and majors. Met an old good friend.

You know what I did this Christmas? Well, I gave Margaret Davila a set of diamond earrings. She is very different, has her change of moods. If I have children, I want them to turn out to be good.

My, it’s really cold this year. Anyway when I was a small child. My parents have a picture of me when I was in the snow. Watching a sensitive man. An arm’s dealer, war machines, and things of war. Won’t mention his name. This morning there’s frost on the ground. There’s icicles and a lot of white ice.

January13, 1982. Snow is beautiful. Went to a boat show at the Hemisphere. Prices on some things are really flying high. The week was very cold, even this weekend. It’s getting down to 20 degrees. Friday night I went to a prayer meeting. Things were very beautiful to have fellowship with neighbors and friends. Very rewarding.

3-2-82 ten o’clock am. Interlude: Situation: Paid two hundred dollars on a home. Have about one hundred dollars on us. Have five hundred dollars in the bank. Married to Deborah Gonzales. Two children, Chrissy who is 8 month’s old, then Michael who is 7 year’s old. Things are really nice. Seems a little nervous. Then there’s the getting used to one another. A very neat approach to things. Watched tv last night. Sleeping is a little irregular because of baby waking up at night.

Philosophy, man of letters. To use this important material for someone to read. There are so many books in the world today. One only has to read and imagine and come to a combustion of one’s own reality of the life one is experiencing. Well, enough for philosophy.

I’m glad I’ll show my wife the writing’s I’m working on. This book is just one chapter of the things. Material, body, and laughter of one’s life.

We married with no premarital sex. I bought a home. March 2, 1982, 10:30 PM. Sitting with my wife. Talking of many things pertaining to life. She likes to read cards. I like to write. Somehow or somewhat we came to some sort of argument in social standings. Need friends to join us in our issues of life things pertaining to sex, jealousy, hate, and money. Every time I touch my wife, Chris starts to cry.

3-3-82, 7:03 AM. Michael wet his bed. He is seven year’s old. What a kid. 10:00 PM. Moved from place to place. Have a house I’m renting. Waiting on mortgage to go through. Met Raul, my wife’s ex-boyfriend. He wished me luck and I feel good that he talked to me.

Had breakfast with Betty and Glenn. A superstar by the name of O’Connor is visiting. He is performing at a theater and will be Betty and Glenn’s neighbor for the duration of his stay. Very neat, it’s time for Sunday worship. I’m dressed in my three-piece-suit. A purple kind of color, pin-striped. Looks like an old historical costume. Very neat. Very, very, I say unto you. Hear my cry Jeanie and bring some kind of response. Even my kind of answer.

I didn’t go to church because I’m not receiving any feedback from them and I wind up in wino’s alley. My sister and Nancy visited Sunday. Today, smoking a blend of ram pipe tobacco. I feel very stuck in my mind. Very fixed in my extraordinary behavior. Have fifteen thousand dollars in the bank. Receiving another thousand in two weeks. Checking the calendar. There were these prisoners. All were in a prison. All sorts of pain was being shown. Great depression and as one member went to the bathroom. He says he’s peeing or urinating blood. Then some sort of gas is released and everyone goes into convulsions. Then things have a religious approach by men offering bread to one another.

1-20-82, 3:15. Visited Karen at Kroger’s. She was making cakes. What a beautiful girl.

It’s gotten to the point where I want to find a place of my own. I’ve gone to real estate people and just haven’t found someone to give me a nice bargain. I’ve been home and went to buy cigarettes at Fort Sam Houston.

With the winter snow, I had my mind set that it was time to propose marriage and I just left everything to nothingness. A picture can tell a thousand words.

Sunday 9:35, January 24, 1982. Had coffee. Yesterday was a real car wash day. Sunny and a bit of anger with my mom. Josie called from Italy on Saturday. She wants me to go in July to visit Sicily, Italy. She is very outgoing. Has enjoyed herself tremendously. I’m not sure if I should go. With summer only six months away, I’m thinking of just investing for a three month term certificate.

Sunday, 2:45, January 24, 1982. I want to confess that I mixed most and these together. It’s also Super Bowl Sunday. Maybe, I’m overwhelmed by the national happy day, that I got extremely careless. Well, so much for Judaism. What a challenge. I’ve been sort of thinking I have a job. It’s most unique. For I can say that I have a place to show just to hang around.

I’m trying to arrange to go to Europe. I should forget about that. Well anyway, I’m listening to government talk about money. Something is really going haywire.

I’ve come down with a real bad acne problem. I can’t sleep at night because my back has huge balls of puss and every time I lay on one of these things, it hurts like hell. Bad news flash. An old friend has just died today. JB, rest in peace. Life goes on as if God has a master plan. Again, an illusion of grandeur. Life is sometimes unfair. Why do all these things come to be? It is written. Now what comes to be with the death of children? Oh Lord, must we suffer this way?

Sincerely, where is happiness? Where is joy? Where is laughter? Where has it gone? Only do we see ourselves in a make- believe scene. Our actions had to lead to certain behavior. Our behavior leads to our thoughts. Since we can’t change things, we let change move things. Will I always be here in my dwellings humming away at the pad? Where did it go? All for our show.

Listening to a writer’s club. Lots of members lead us on to the things and knowing, listening and doing. Why are people writing? Someone reads. Doctor Henry healed my back today. He also gave me some antibiotics. I should recover from my illness. Now, my lips have swollen.

There’s some storytelling. Slowly my love Eve will make it. Mom, here at home. She is on the phone. The day is a real drab. A lot of uncertainty of rain. After last night’s reading, I came home and had a bad dream of unstable sexual acts. Discussed this with my doctor. Doctors can be a great help.

Went to the hospital. It’s going to be pay week starting Monday. I’m putting money in the bank. Maybe five hundred dollars. Amoxycillin 250mg an antibiotic for relief of poisoned acne. To drain out bad elements. Heal acne. A penicillin replacement.

Over at Betty’s apartment we had a birthday party. Becky works at the court house. Very nice girl. Also, there was Gary, Richard, and Randy. The party was nice. Had a lot of things to talk about. Economics and family. Also, a nice quiet moment with Becky.

I spent the night at Betty’s. Glenn, in a way is kind of fun. Had too much to drink. I paid off my six hundred and seventy five dollar ring. I now look forward into looking at the coming of a higher price ring. Maybe two thousand dollars, more or less. It could go any way. I paid mom with a twenty five dollar increase because I went to buy some fruit and I had to pay fifty cents for a nectarine. So, I realized things went up. As long as I can breathe, I’m going to make myself worthy of God.

I went and bought a Vietnamese girl a gold ring. This was many years ago and I know that life for the girl was pure. Realizing I could have almost been killed, I gave her the gift to be remembered by her anyway. Where ever that ring may be, in Asia or America, may it bring them or her a blessing. The price, I don’t recall. There are so many things to write about. A silver ring in Israel is around eight dollars. Many with these joys of money.

Well, it’s payday and all that’s left over is two hundred and eighteen dollars for gas. Sailing on the lake. Discovered at bright light. Glows like wonders. Shines like a diamond. Also, of all sorts. Things seem to go from the ground up. Like explosive bombs, wam, wam. Today’s radio music is somewhat devious.

February 1, 1982, 7:23 PM. Called a friend to ask if she would like something for Valentine’s Day.

February 2, 1982, 2:38 PM. There’s nothing to do, just lay around and dream. No girls, so sad. No fun, so sad. If only I met someone. The riches are in the ground.

Visited John Grey and Jane. John has an awful scar on his head. He got too much stress on something. I got to discuss some money and gold topics. I’m planning to bring gold as soon as I get a call. John wants to buy a ‘65 Mustang. This could be anybody. Saw a Woody Allen movie. Many Jews, jokes about Hebrew people. Gold is to be my objective. Neither of the necessary evils. What’s it like to be an alchemy? There is of course, the atomic weight, in gold molecules and atoms. The structure of gold is very brittle. Also, had a small conversation with one of my psychiatrist’s.

The day is clear and needs something to happen. Went and bought some hallucinogenic drugs. Took some. Sat in the kitchen, lights on and smoked up a nice cloud of smoke. The weather must have not been good to the first baggie. This other one I got, is real nice. I’ve got to the point where I keep up with Channel 9 and stock market reports in a sort of many documentaries of certain individuals.

If I want to move away, I have responsibility of two hundred and fifty dollars a month then forty five dollars for electricity and two hundred and fifty dollars for food. So did have one hundred and eighteen dollars insurance every six months. What would I need? With one thousand and one hundred and thirty dollars, I could do it. Then save some. How to save on money. February 4, 1982, 6:50 AM. The neighbors up and going to work. It’s cold outside. I’m sitting here cozy in my living room. Resting, saw some nice legs on the tube. The same girl that exercises every morning.

Have to go to the VA Hospital. Some of the doctors here have a look of intensity, very smart doctors. May there be peace among us. Tranquility. I should try a dating service. Called Dona, she is busy. I didn’t like that answering service. Charlotte called me and to go on with the story, he had a chrome 45 caliber. His instinct was very truly. Anything he said, would put him on a situation where guns and bullets were the rulers. Destroying something was his thoughts, but why would he do it? He knew they were after him. Where could he hide and run too, of all things? Would he be able to react to the situation at hand? Girls in high school like to show their bodies to one another. When they are alone, things turn into a fantasy.

Went and bought on credit a two thousand dollar sale, a nice beautiful ring.

I was over at the hospital. I went to the bathroom. When I got up found myself against the door. I felt confused as to what I wanted to happen.

Then I go to the story of the Jeweler. A man of fine wealth. His lovely family. His brilliant diamonds and shiny gold. I got off my lines, made a fist with my rings of jewels and shouted to the world. My diamonds, right here all mine. Oh such greed.

Went to church today. I noticed some change in Jeanie. She’s so nice and faithful to the church. Visited a friend this morning, showed him my new ring. He says he needs some money. So may he be blessed and receive his heart’s content. The way a conversation goes on in church. It’s a nice way to go. With all it’s rituals, people hold a lot of different conversations. There’s mortgages, loans, and rent, bills, real estate, and so on. It just goes on and on, so we can get into many types of stories. Win with material things from books, to gold, and guns. Many things to think about.

What are the American’s thinking about? It could be politics, religion, economics, and individual stresses or anxieties.

February 8, 1982, 8:30. Waiting on bus to go to day treatment VA clinic. All dressed up in my suit and hat, standing in the rain. The bus didn’t take long. Nice ride in the bus. Not too many people. It’s a lot of different getting back on the bus. Need not worry about driving. Only on certain occasions do I shift things. I got up at 8:00 AM. Make it by 9:00 AM.

The social worker had pink lips. He seemed a little weird. I don’t know what to thing of him. My first announcement I heard was that some secretary died. The social worker gave out some phone number. Went an had breakfast as the B&B Restaurant. I recall breakfast in Jerusalem. The madness of war. Men and weapons, ideas, ideology. Well anyway, there were people moving out office work supplies form the Majestic Building. Well, they get paid for it. Money can do many deals.

Listen, there’s a nice girl working in the day treatment at the Majestic Building. Only need to work out many distorted things. The doctor feels very weird. Many different things came into his study. I’m here just on the 8th floor and seem like downtown is a big mass of people. Only do we learn that downtown holds many things. Well, it can be fun. Doctor Asch, Dr. At day treatment.

2:00 PM. February 8, 1982. On bus on way home. Kind of crowded. Then there’s many people. Where do they get money to eat? These people are in a dream world.

10:00 PM. Slept a little and had my meals. A big house is hard to keep warm. A small house is cheap on electricity. It really depends on one’s income. If one can afford it, it’s fine. If one wants to get into that lifestyle, then it’s fine. Over at the day treatment, the dress style is dull, except for staff members and a few well dressed people.

February 10, 1982, 4:20 PM. Arrived from day treatment. Had a meal downtown. Had recommendations to go eat at the regency. Maybe I’ll take it up. New approach at looking at downtown. Many new people at the day treatment. Today, I was dressed in a brown suit and tie. PX hat. Doctor Asch went out to lunch in his super sun glasses and made comments of his retina not getting too much ultra red lights. What a trip. The news is very complex. They go from earrings to food stamps. Loves with words. Chinese peas, meat, and Jew’s stores. Had a flavor very different. Computer is no good. Pay more light bills. The hand is a beautiful piece God has made.

Now, there’s my neighbor. She has one of the most beautiful bodies I’ve seen. Her nice firm buttocks, her firm waist with a tight elastic panty fashion. Sometimes I’ve seen her white spinal bone running up her back. She even smiles as if she will blow your head off with steam. Oh neighbor, I love your nice smile and mouth. So inviting, I’m as hot as can be. I need some touch and feeling. Please spread open your legs for me and show me your glorious naked body. Sitting here writing naked. What a blast! Called some writer’s club members. Don’t eat cheeseburgers. Yes, it’s getting to get a little colder. Now, how does one give orders? So, if one has power, one seeks more power. When will it stop or to what specific change does one adjust to. I could go buy two areas of land with the gold I wear. Of course, maybe someday I’ll be able to buy some land with many minerals of value. The earth is God’s gift to the human race.

February 11, 1982, 9:03 AM. Arrived at Majestic Building VA treatment. Feeling kind of bloated on my head. Oh what a strange feeling. There will be a meeting. I’m so wasted and feel out of place after too much hospital. The hospital is all right, just a different environment. The buildings downtown look like huge monsters. Buildings belonging to rich entrepreneurs. Some people like to be sized up. They measure you by your appearance. I like to fluctuate my fashions. The 8th floor is like a studio. All I need is to move in and some kind of relaxing mood to city life. Yes, a studio right in the middle of town.

High rise, all the units where people stay and dream of making a creative progress. They are so absurd. Why can anybody make money in buildings? What a dream.

Now, I’m at a restaurant downtown. These people don’t know a thing of what’s coming down. There are some other members of the same section of town in here. My oh my, what a way to live. I like my studio. Running around trying to open doors. Self image of what one wants himself to be. Went and had a slice of pizza. It’s been a long time since I had pizza. Downtown is full of every kind of creature. Sure, I like good things, just that I don’t want to get in deep over material things. Well, if I have enough to pay off everything I owe, then it’s ok. I’ve read materials on how to stop smoking, then I’m out of cigarettes and seem to have my taste change. Here at day treatment, doctors don’t seem to be much of an involvement with the people. Some sort of transition leading to self involvement. To seek independent, thinking and survival.

I was down on Commerce and St. Mary’s, I gave a needy person some extra change. He looked so miserable. Someone needs evaluation. I go back to youth, where I have a blood brother. Cutting our wrist’s warm blood splurging and having a brotherhood of love exchange of warmth and understanding. Sounds primitive and nonsensical but I think we had a need to have such a ritual.

February 12, 1982, 1:30 PM. My car needs repairs, minor. Mom is going shopping. Talked with that gorgeous neighbor. She’s wearing a bright red pants outfit, which show her wonderful body. She sort of turned me on. Feel like kissing her nice tender lips, her round hips and flashy buttocks.

One of the members I met in Israel is back in San Antonio, plans on a short stay, then back to Israel. It’s a Saturday night. February 13, 1982, 9:10 PM. Went to HEB. Beautiful people everywhere. The day was troublesome. Car problems. My chemistry has an odor of mixed smells. Somehow I felt a change. Studying in how to win.

Sunday morning, February14, 1982, 10:10 AM. Valentine’s Day. Gave mom a gift, a small gold key. Though, no one seeks me as a Valentine’s person, not even a feeling of surprise. Last night’s dream was neat. Wild cats and animals of fierce nature. How to win love from your friends. Her family was with her and I was overjoyed just by being close to her. What a feeling. She is you know, a beautiful person. Painted nails and a slight touch of makeup.

Monday, February 15, 1982, 8:45 AM. The day is foggy and damp. Holiday, George Washington’s birthday. First President of the United States of America. The day holds many things. I feel good and even think of getting high on something. Been on medication without alcohol. Have my gold and diamond ring. Sat around and read the Sunday newspaper. Very dogmatic idealism of human behavior. Yes, not much has changed in the news. For some people’s lives, there is a change, but to many it’s very sad to see the suffering all over the world.

Well, it’s been a bad day in another part of the world. In some places it’s nice. Though my friends only think of seeing how they can get something from me, I find them realistic animal nature of humans. It’s fake and need to or let’s say it’s too late to see new lifestyles and try to live with it. Economically, it’s the people one’s measures up to. Politics seem to have a fair share of putting fables on human minds, as if to make some idea work for them. A belief, a thing that burns in one’s heart and mind.

It seems things on my mind get to a feeling