A Guide to NOT Being Bad

How to NOT be a complete Jackass

The INTRODUCTION could be here but instead it’s in the back of the book: (P134) you don’t care why I wrote the book, YOU

just want to read it. Go ahead. Catch you later…

THE BAD DRIVERS HANDBOOK

A Guide to Being Bad

Copyright © 2013 Hank Roll.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-1080-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-1081-4 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 10/21/2013

C’mon Detroit : It’s So Simple

All we want is: a car that looks like a cross between a

shark and a spaceship, that gets 100 miles to a gallon, that

cruises at 100 mph and that costs under $5,000.

If God had wanted us to go slow-

(S)He wouldn’t have given us a gas pedal shaped like a foot.

Everyone should drive five lengths behind the car in

front of them—so I can cut in.

REAL BAD DRIVERS:

Don’t just match the speed limits—they exceed them.

Don’t hafta look both ways at intersections-

they’re only going one way.

Can always make a yellow light.

Don’t stop for red lights—

even when they’re on the top of another car.

Don’t signal for turns—they know where the hell they’re going.

Know the 55 mph speed limit was a

commie plot to sap our vitality.

Think windshield wipers are for sissies.

BAD DRIVERS MOTTOES

Always be polite to other drivers—

it gives them a false sense of security.

If you drive fast enough the radar can’t catch you.

Why do those other morons slow down from

55 to 45 when they see a parked cop car?

Either you crush other drivers or they crush you.

If it was my car do you think I’d be driving like this?

IF they don’t want us to park on the sidewalk, why isn’t there

a sign that says, Don’t park on the sidewalk?

If I didn’t want the right of way I wouldn’t have a big car.

Driving lessons are for wimps.

The closer you drive to the person in front of you the faster

you can encourage them to go.

Toes, Perfect, Slow

THE BAD DRIVER’S QUESTIONNAIRE

In order to more fully understand who you are we ask you to take this little quiz about who you think you are. It shouldn’t take more than a couple hours.

NAME___________________ Alias____________________

Fake name you give at accidents_________________________

Fake name on your fake ID____________________________

Name your Momma called you__________________________

Nickname you would like to be called_____________________

Nickname you are actually called________________________

SuperHero Name___________________________________

ADDRESS________________________________________

No kidding—you really live in a vacant lot? ________________

Have you lived here less than 3 days? Yes____No____

Last known address__________________________________

Address where you actually pick up your mail________________

Address where you want your 10 million Dollars Publisher’s Sweepstakes check delivered___________________________

Address where, Dog the Bounty Hunter, can find you?__________

CELL PHONE NUMBER_____________________________

Last cell phone #________One before that________________

Disposable cell phone #_______ Untraceable #_____________

Do you have a girl friend or boy friend? Yes____No____

Are they hot? Are they easy? Phone # ?____________________

Wife or husband or friend? Are they hot? ________________

Are they easy? Phone?________________________________

Do you have a Mother? Address_________________________

Would she pay a ransom over $10,000 for you? ______________

Would you pay a ransom over $10,000 for her? ______________

Is she easy? Is she hot? Her Phone?______________________

YOUR AGE______No, your real age_____

SEX Yes____No____

HOBBIES Other lame pastimes____________

NUMBER OF CRASHES THIS WEEK______ YESTERDAY_____

NUMBER OF TICKETS THIS WEEK?______ TODAY?________

You can make a copy of these 2 pages of this book to give to your relatives or friends to see if they could be helped by the Bad Driver’s Handbook.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT___________________________

_________________________________________________

Who gets your Mercedes?________________________________

Who gets your iPad?___________________________________

Who gets your Vibrator?________________________________

Who gets your Big Wheels?______________________________

Who gets your Ticket collection?___________________________

Who gets your GPS?___________________________________

Who gets your Bad Drivers Handbook?______________________

Who gets your naughty tapes?_____________________________

DO YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES? Yes____No____

DO YOU LIKE BEACH BLANKET MOVIES? Yes____No____

DO YOU MISS NELLIE BLY? Yes No

DO YOU MISS SHEENA, QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE?

Yes____No____

DO YOU MISS XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS? Yes____No____

WOULD YOU DATE LARA CROFT? Yes____No____

WOULD YOU DATE BRUCE CAMPBELL, THE CHIN?

Yes____No____

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES WITH NAKED ANIMALS? Yes____No____

DO YOU LIKE NAKED ANIMALS WITH MOVIES? Yes____No____WOULD YOU HAVE A SMOKE WITH A FURRY? Yes____No____

HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD

BE WHIPPED?____________________________________

HOW LONG WOULD YOU SWIM IN JELL-O?________________

EVER BEEN TO A DUNGEON? Yes____No____

DID YOU PAY THEM? Yes____No____DID THEY PAY YOU?

Yes____No____

HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT ON A UNICYCLE? Yes____No____

DO YOU THINK BIG TRUCKS ARE ROMANTIC? Yes____No____

DO YOU BELIEVE IN CAPITAL PUNISHMENT? Yes____No____

WHICH CAPITAL DO YOU PREFER?_________

HAVE YOU EVER DATED A TV OR MOVIE STAR? Yes____No____

THEIR NAME_______________________________________

ARE THEY HOT? Yes____No____

THEIR PRIVATE PHONE #______________________________

EVER DATED A POLITICIAN? Yes____No____

GOT ANY DIRT ON THEM? Yes____No____

WHAT’S IT WORTH? $__________ NEED HELP COLLECTING?

Yes____No____

WHAT NATIONALITY ARE YOU_______WHAT SPECIES?_______

Thank you for filling out the BAD DRIVER QUESTIONNAIRE form. We will review your answers and if we like them we’ll get back to you.

Don’t hold your breath…

Psychological Profile Form

Fill out this simple form to find out how far you differ from the norm. Choose the description that comes the closest to your weird thoughts and mark it down on your arm so you can hand it in later.

1    If your neighbor buys a shiny new car your reaction is:

A    To block his driveway.

B    To spray paint the car windows.

C    Order a truckload of manure dumped on it.

D    Hijack it and leave it in the hood.

E    Stuff it with elephant parts.

2    If someone threatens to sue you, you would:

A    Hide their remote.

B    Shoot them in the knees.

C    Shave their body and dip them in hot wax.

D    Remove their kidneys and feed them cola.

E    Kidnap them and sell them to slavers.

3    If someone criticized your driving, you would:

A    Drive a spike thru their TV remote.

B    Criticize their ensemble and makeup.

C    Trick them onto a Reality show.

D    Take them for a ride in your trunk.

E    Lock them in a (hungry) tiger’s cage.

4    Your favorite dream is:

A    Being a slave in a bordello.

B    Riding a camel thru a convent.

C    Driving a 3 Decker bus thru wet donuts.