Lost in Transition: 8 Steps to Navigating Change

LOST IN TRANSITION

Copyright © 2018 by Barbara Davis

Published by Huckleberry Publishers

For information contact:

13 E. 35th Wilmington, DE 19802

302-764-8885

www.huckleberrypublishers.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form on by an electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Every effort has been made to trace or contact all copyright holders. The publishers will be pleased to make good any omissions or rectify any mistakes brought to their attention at the earliest opportunity.

Cover Design:

Book Cover - BookCoverZone

Author Photograph - Winter Raven Photography

eBook ISBN 978-1-7328057-1-2

I dedicate this book to the special men in my life: my boyfriend (at fifteen), my best friend, my sweetheart, my colleague, my pastor, my husband, my hero—Tom.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER 1

TRANSITION AND CHANGE ARE DIFFERENT

– Step One: Know They’re Not the Same

CHAPTER 2

LOST

– Step Two: Admit It

CHAPTER 3

LOST IN TRANSITION

– Step Three: Reach Out

CHAPTER 4

ENDINGS THE FIRST STAGE OF CHANGE

– Step Four: Shut the Door

CHAPTER 5

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGES

– Step Five: See the Possibilities

CHAPTER 6

TRANSITION IS A BRIDGE

– Step Six: Cross Over

CHAPTER 7

TRANSITION IS YOUR TRANSFORMATION INTO BECOMING SOMETHING DIFFERECT

– Step Seven: Be Reshaped

CHAPTER 8

A NEW BEGINNING –

– Step Eight: Enter the New

FOREWORD

Barbara Davis is an amazing, beautiful, authentic soul. To know her is to know you’ve just encountered someone incredible.  I love her because she is my wife (my very own crunch berry, as I call her), but I admire her for being so much more. She is a worshipper, a warrior, a wordsmith, and a woman of wisdom with an audacious passion for God and people.

Who would guess that behind her beautiful smile and magnetic personality is an individual who has weathered many storms and faced life-changing lessons that have tested her faith and her joy? From experiences that relate to marriage, homelessness, struggles with her health, and other obstacles, like so many others, Barbara’s tragedies have become her ministry.

It has been said that Life’s lessons are a beautiful gift, but they don’t always come wrapped in a shiny red bow. Sometimes, tragedy brings us wisdom. Sometimes, joy does. Other times, we stumble upon life-changing lessons when we least expect to. I can’t say I didn’t expect great things from this book, but wow! I am in awe of the detailed insight and revelation that Barbara shares within these pages!

This book is praiseworthy, beautiful, eye-opening, inspiring, poignant, and it got me thinking and reflecting on my own life and how I view myself, the world, and my spiritual relationship with God. Not in all my days did I think that some of my dysfunctional thinking, behaviors, setbacks, times of uncertainty, and fears were possibly connected to unfinished business from a previous season in my life.  There were moments when I had to pause and reflect or jot down one of the many quotes used in the book. It is jam-packed with wisdom, guidance, and the understanding of patterns that affect how we adapt to change and God’s faithfulness to help us navigate difficult times is clear. 

Drawing from her personal experiences, Barbara will take you on a journey through the perilous stages of transition. She allows you to ride alongside her through bouts with depression, sickness, business dealings, and struggles in ministry. Barbara’s willingness to be transparent and open is one of the reasons her words are profoundly impactful, thought-provoking, and relevant and lead not just to information but transformation. You will appreciate not only her honesty in telling her story, but, more than that, the message of hope that shines through.

There is so much to admire about this book.  It’s raw and honest, genuine and funny. Get ready to laugh out loud or catch yourself crying at the elegantly simple yet profoundly insightful words in this book. There are so many moving scenes that tug on the heartstrings, but even in those sad or scary moments, Barbara manages to comfort readers, letting us know that God is there ALL THE TIME, and this is something to rejoice!

Though the road to real-life change can be long and hard, with winding roads and twists and turns for most, you can take to heart every lesson Barbara has learned and, through her journey, discover the path that leads to renewed joy, future hopes, possibilities, destiny, and purpose.

Tom C. Davis,

Middletown, Delaware

Tom Davis is the Senior Pastor of Restoration World Outreach an impact church in Wilmington, DE.  He is the founder of Worship Delaware which has partnered with hundreds of churches in the tristate area and across America to help connect front-line leaders to other talented, gifted and dedicated men and women to assist them in reaching their highest potential.

PREFACE

Writing Lost in Transition felt like a sequel to the actual struggle I had with navigating an unexpected change.  It was an end to my thinking I should write a book. With that end came the reality of how difficult, time-consuming, rewarding and fulfilling this book writing process would be. There were lulls between my many starts and stops and finally my new beginning. I would get tired and succumb to the thought: Who cares? Then, I would get energized and think: I must work through this process to its completion. It looked like I would never make it through to my new day – the finished product. There were many words of encouragement from my husband, my ever-supportive family, good friends, and members of our church. Ultimately, however, the key to making this manuscript a reality lay in my power. Would I preserve, would I keep working, would I give up, or would I see this journey as a lesson of faith, hope, and process when it looked like I would never get to the other side of change? I did. So, we have a book!

INTRODUCTION

The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour. —Author Unknown

Have you ever come to a point in life where you feel that all the paths you’ve traversed throughout the years are finally starting to converge into one clear path? As the road ahead becomes more defined, a sense of calm fills your life’s journey. You say to yourself proudly, I’ve finally got all my ducks lined up in a row. It’s like driving down a familiar road on a warm, sunny day. Your eyes catch a mere glimpse of the structures that now form the backdrop of your daily routine. The familiarity of your surroundings reinforces a sense of tranquility. Your travels seem effortless; you get the impression of being carried along by the wind. That cool seventies song comes to mind. Humming the tune, you join Olivia Newton-John in singing Have You Never Been Mellow. After much prayer, patience, hits, and misses, you think, Things are finally moving in the right direction.

Then, at that very moment, something unexpected happens. Is that monstrosity spoiling the landscape of my Norman Rockwell moment what I think it is? you shout. Sure enough, it’s a detour sign. The comfort of knowing where you are and what you are doing evaporates immediately into thin air. Something has changed. Suddenly, you must focus. It’s like moving along a dark corridor. You stretch out your arms to feel your way. It’s awkward, scary, and somewhat frustrating. And what’s worst, you’re stuck in this unusual place.

This unsettled feeling is a good example of how a person may feel at the onset of transition: the confusing place in between what was known and familiar and what is unknown and unfamiliar. This unfamiliar place is quite often seen as a temporary glitch, a hiccup on the road to where our life is heading. It begins with what seems to be a simple detour; that is, if a detour could ever be considered simple. The very nature of a detour is, in fact, complex. By definition, it is the long way around something, an indirect route.

This definition leads us to consider the role of transition in our lives. Some may think, It’s a nuisance, frustrating, or even boring. Be that as it may, transition is usually more than what it appears. Transition is a bridge. It is the road your mind takes to get from the end of one experience to the beginning of another. The detour (transition) is the time your mind needs to take in the change at hand.

Why is this important? I didn’t think it was. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I even considered how I responded to what or how I was thinking about change until I found myself in a situation that I didn’t really know how to traverse.

For me, the change I needed to traverse (transition through) was a series of rare blood disorders that began to adversely affect my health. Suddenly, I was in and out of the hospital, grounded from flying and struggling to manage my daily routines. Holding back the tears, a lump formed in my throat as I tried to comprehend my new circumstance. Now what am I supposed to do? I thought. I’d geared my energy toward teaching ministry nationally all these years. If I couldn’t travel, how was I going to preach to the nations? If I wasn’t a pastor and a teacher, then what would I be?

My struggles with health and wrestling to comprehend a new normal became the catalyst for the turn of events that led to my feeling lost in transition. For others, it’s the loss of a close friend or family member or even a change in their employment or a move to a different city that creates a sense of loss that they can’t seem to navigate.

Before this time, I was that girl. I was a lover of the Word of God, a teacher, and even a preacher of the word that brings life and healing to so many in the world. I was married to a great guy; Tom was my high school sweetheart and my spiritual twin. He shared my passion for God and God’s church and felt a similar call to help God’s people, which is why we planted a church in our hometown and travelled the globe together to share God’s message of hope.

I knew who I was, where I was going, and that I was born with purpose in this life. What changed? Everything! My body, activities, beliefs, everything above and below the surface of my life changed, that is, everything except the changeless truth that communicated to my heart—this glorious Goodness—that whether I’m sick or well, young or old, single or married, feeling up or down, free or bound, I’m still a child loved by God.

Through changing dynamics, I’ve learned what I thought I knew—the unchanging certainty of God’s love and his complete joy in being our light in dark places. I wasn’t lost; I’m always found in him! I am complete, whole, intact, the same. And in truth, despite the struggles I’ve gone through, I’m still that girl. And you’re still the person my heavenly Father says you are too.

You may be going through a tough time. A change event in your health, relationship status, business prospects, or even education may have disrupted life as you know it. You may feel lost. Everything around your life may have shifted, and your circumstances may have changed—but God hasn’t. He loves you, now and forever. And he knows the secret to navigating difficult change scenarios and what it will take to make you come out on top.

The soul is a labyrinth. It is a maze of passages, a complex network of paths and secret chambers that can be difficult to navigate. If you’re feeling lost in transition, don’t fret. You don’t have to stay stuck in this sense of being lost. There’s good news. God can map out and make sense of the intricate chambers that house the precious treasures of who and why we are and where we are in the change process. God can help us untangle the web of confusion, irritation, and uncertainty people often feel when trying to incorporate complex changes in their lives. David says, Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about… then guide me on the road to … life (Psalms 139:23–24 MSG).

Getting a clear picture of what’s happening beneath the surface of an external change event is at the core of understanding the responses we may have to such events. Delving into our souls, where we connect to people, places, and familiar circumstances, can be the difference between whether we find our way to new paths and opportunities or remain lost in transition.

That’s why I decided to write this book: the hope that sharing my journey through a difficult transition will help others traverse their experiences with change with clarity and help them find their way to the path that leads to their true self, true purpose, and true life!

The book is divided into four major parts: the Happening, the Ending, the Between, and the New Beginning. The last three sections represent the pattern in which change occurs for us and each phase in the change process. Change for us happens in three stages: 1) There is an end (this is where a change event causes a situation or circumstance to come to an end, 2) an awkward in-between stage, which, for the sake of clarity, we will call transition, and 3) a new beginning (this is when we launch anew).

Why do I feel lost? Where is God? What does God have to say regarding my transition? And what’s next? Questions of this sort are a few of the many people often have when traveling the unfamiliar road to change. This book provides answers to these questions and many more and lays a course for navigating the three phases of change. Finally, by reading this book, I hope you discover the same thing I did when I was negotiating the unexpected and difficult change in my health: God is with you in every situation, loving you, leading you, keeping and preserving you through each phase of your journey.

Part one:

THE HAPPENING

EXPERIENCING TRANSITION

CHAPTER 1

TRANSITION AND CHANGE ARE DIFFERENT

When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.  ― Dean Jackson

STEP 1: KNOW THEY’RE NOT THE SAME

Springtime is a melting pot for things in transition. All of nature goes from death to life in a few short weeks. It was in the late spring into early summer that I would chase butterflies in the open field behind my childhood home. As if chasing the lazy days of summer away, I would run for hours beneath the cotton-candy sky, trying to grasp the beautiful winged creatures that, like confetti in the breeze, would elude my grasp.

Like many destined for the cocoon of change, I had no idea the fate I shared with these unusual creatures. Nor did I consider how similar the change process that preceded their impromptu dance with the wind is to our own. 

The beautiful butterfly of late spring, with its vibrantly colored, shimmering wings (telling of its individual transition story), is an excellent specimen to show how change actually occurs in the lives of people. Four different stages mark its metamorphosis: stage one, the egg; stage two, the caterpillar (the feeding stage); stage three, the pupa, or transition, stage (recognized by the cocoon of silk); and then finally stage four, the adult, or reproductive, stage (the stage most people think of when they think of butterflies). For the most part, the full-grown butterfly only lives about two to three weeks; the rest of its time is spent in between change—eating, growing, and in transition.

Like in the case of the butterfly, we don’t go from one state or experience directly to another. We don’t experience an end and then immediately begin again. Instead, every change event is comprised of three phases: (1) an ending, (2) an in-between, and (3) a new beginning. We can’t just jump from point one (an ending) to point three (a new beginning). People need something to help them bridge the gap between the two experiences. Transition—the awkward phase between an ending and a new beginning—becomes that bridge. It becomes our point two. In this space, we work on accepting what has changed.

I wish I had understood this concept when I experienced an end to the quality of health I had become accustomed to in terms of how I knew my life to be. Understanding the change process of endings, the neutral zone of the in-between, and launching anew would have saved me a lot of frustration and mental deliberation. If I had known that change didn’t happen for me simply because something in my life had shifted or due to an external change event like what I experienced with my health, I believe I would have adapted to my new circumstances more readily and avoided the feelings of being lost in transition altogether.

Nevertheless, after discovering the battle I was having with illness was caused by a combination of the sickle cell trait and alpha thalassemia disorder, I said, Okay, Barbara, you’re going to need to make some adjustments in the way you care for yourself. No more hot soaking baths now that you know that the change in body temperature can trigger a ‘crisis.’ This was how my hematologist described the severe pain attacks associated with the disorder that had disrupted my customary way of being. Travelling might be a little tricky. No more multiple, connecting, or long flights. These were the culprits of the paralyzing effects I would experience after traveling—again, effects of the blood disorder. And I had to watch everything else since, according to my doctor, almost anything could be a trigger. These crises could be torture physically and emotionally. But with time, I discovered that accepting what had changed would be the greatest adjustment.

I’ll never forget the trauma of being stuck in San Diego for over a month after a set of back-to-back flights. I took this sky trip from several West Coast cities before I really knew what I was dealing with as it pertained to the sickle cell and alpha thalassemia conflict that was derailing my health. I didn’t know at the time the effects that triggers like connecting flights had on my body: not being able to walk soundly without assistance, shortness of breath and throbbing headaches, and, most adversely, the chest pain that had me seeking medical help from a cardiologist while in a faraway city. The physical suffering faded, relatively, into the backdrop of my mind as psychological pain pressed toward the forefront, especially since the diagnosis and my getting stuck in a distant city all happened at the turn of the year. Tom had to leave me in San Diego to return home to Philadelphia since we both agreed that he needed to preach at our church’s New Years’ Eve meeting. So, here I was, sitting in the bedroom of the Sheraton Marina Hotel in San Diego, a facility in the past known to me as a serene and beautiful getaway spot, alone, crying off and on in my pillow, and pondering how my life could have taken such a heinous turn.

My tranquil retreat had become a cocoon of sorts. I was going through a metamorphosis on the inside that represented what was occurring in my life on the outside. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in the beginning of a change process. It wasn’t good enough to know that some dynamics in my health had changed. Emotionally and psychologically, I wasn’t there yet. I realize now that I needed to transition internally to what had changed.

The point I am making is that transition and change are quite different, although it’s difficult for most people to recognize this. Just think about how we use the words change and transition. People swap the two all the time. Doesn’t this mean they’re the same? To your question, I would have to say, Not at all. Swapping change for transition has become a new trend in our communications. Saying, I’m in transition, is a cool way of saying, Things are changing.

Swapping the two out like this only reinforces the notion that transition is change, though it isn’t. Have you been guilty of using the words interchangeably? I know I have. This inaccuracy only adds to the confusion, leaving a whole lot of people with the idea that the two words are synonymous when, in fact, they are not.

William Bridges, bestselling author of the book Transitions: Making Sense of Life Changes, does an excellent job of bringing out the difference between change and transition. He says that change is the shifting of events that impact the state of one’s affairs:

Change is your move to a new city or your shift to a new job. It is the birth of your new baby or the death of your Father. It is the switch from the old health plan at work to the new one, or the replacement of your manager by a new one or it is the acquisition that your company just made.1

Do you see the difference? Change is situational, while transition is psychological.2 I’m sure I’m not alone when I say, I’ve made the mistake of thinking about transition as an event, when, in reality, it is the inner reorientation and redefinition that we go through to integrate change into our lives.3

Case and point, consider the call of Jeremiah. He talks about how the word of the Lord came to him and how God told him that he had formed him in the womb, set him apart, and given him the assignment of a prophet to the nations (see Jeremiah 1:5). Jeremiah also explains how that scared the bejeebers out of him. Jeremiah wasn’t there yet. He understood what God was saying. The situation was real to him. But internally, he hadn’t aligned with the role of prophet.

Jeremiah’s response is similar to many of ours as it relates to God’s plan for our lives. Jeremiah calmly answers, Ah Sovereign Lord … I don’t know how to speak (Jeremiah 1:6 NIV). He probably thought, God, you must be talking about Jimmy from Tuscaloosa.

I don’t care who you are, when faced with the choice of becoming who God says you are and doing his will, there is a sense in which you feel insufficient for the job. As it was with Jeremiah, we think, What in the world are you talking about, God? You can’t mean me. You must know how inadequate I am. Completely aware of the enormous task ahead (the wickedness of the nations around him and his weakness), Jeremiah replies, I am only a child (Jeremiah 1:6 NIV). In his attempt to reorient Jeremiah to his true identity, God says, Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you (Jeremiah 1:7 NIV).

Do you see what I mean? It took more than an external change event—God telling Jeremiah, You are a prophet to the nations. Jeremiah had to reorient on the inside to this new way of seeing himself. I’m sure God’s comments helped. But for sure, some actions and counter reactions had to happen on the inside before Jeremiah could accept this new reality.

Transition is Adjusting on the Inside to Change

Like Jeremiah, the challenge most have with transition is realizing that there is a built-in need for people to adjust on the inside to external change events if they want change to really stick. And thank God for it. Can you imagine what would happen if we accepted, as a fact, every notion or thought a change event may put forth? It would be a circus: lions, elephants, and dancing girls. You name it; we’d have it. Life would be overwhelming to say the least.

People experience an enormous amount of change in the events that surround them. There are changes on the planet, in the environment, in relationships, and in the way we view and interact with the world. We are exposed to change in every aspect of life.

So, to answer the question What would happen? we would accept anything the world throws our way. But with the ability to accept change on our own terms, we can silence self-doubts and haters who rise up after we experience setbacks by rejecting their voices in favor of more positive affirmations.

It’s like the scripture says: by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established (Deuteronomy 19:15–16 NKJV).

To understand what I’m saying, you have to realize that each circumstance has its own voice (a prerecorded conversation you’ve had with yourself). From the time they are little children, people have stored responses to their experiences within themselves in the same way you would record a preset message on a modern-day answering machine. These prerecorded opinions communicate whether these events in our estimation are good news or bad, beneficial or harmful, challenging or easy, or whatever definition given. These automatic communications (what we have said to ourselves) regarding our experiences rise up within us as self-talk. This self-talk is usually the first opinion given on a change. It communicates what it feels the change in your circumstance will mean to you in the form of your unconscious thoughts. Our yes, or you could say agreement with these definitions (our self-talk), establishes these thoughts as fact in our lives. The internal conversation may go something like the following: We think, Money problems are never an easy circumstance to deal with (something we’ve learned) Yes, we say in response. And filing for bankruptcy is even more challenging. Yes, I accept that this is a challenging change to accept, but yes, I also know I’ve made it through worse, and yes, I agree that I will also survive this. Do you see it? Your yes becomes that second voice establishing or denying the acceptance of what has changed and its meaning to you.

Yes, You shall also decide and decree a thing and it shall be established (Job 22:28 AMP). So, decide and decree the best over your situation, not the worst. Say, "Yes, I am strong, energetic, and full