Free yourself from toxic relationships: All you need to know to deal with narcissistic personalities and rebuild yourself
By Cristina Rebiere and Olivier Rebiere
()
About this ebook
To live with fear in your stomach, no longer having confidence in yourself, having lost the joy of living, often feeling sadness and misunderstanding … is it really Living?
To love with the anxiety of not being up to the demands of the Other and sometimes receive only a few crumbs of “happiness” … is it really Loving?
You know that something is wrong, without being able to define it. Like a poison.
The memory of the person you were before fades away and you inexorably lose your bearings, your joy of living. Your memories, your contacts, your convictions are diluted little by little for the sole benefit of this person who is (maybe from a long time) in your life and claims to appreciate, to “love” you without really proving it for real … Isn’t it?
The periods of euphoria and happiness in his/her company are becoming scarcer, replaced by doubt, distress, despondency. What is happening to you is not normal, right? This is not how a healthy and lasting love relationship should unfold. You know it well, deep inside yourself … But you continue to doubt this reality, to hope for a change … which is slow in coming …
You no longer have the strength to react. You think you “deserve” somehow what is happening to you … You want it … The deep guilt you feel is too strong to objectively analyze the situation and make a life-saving decision. Then, you stagnate in your unhappiness, as a victim of a kind of paralysis which affects your soul and body. Where can all of this continuous pain come from?
From a toxic relationship.
Have you heard of “narcissistic perverts”? Maybe are you a victim of one of them?
You are certainly a prisoner of a manipulator who has taken possession of your life, your memory, your projects and has kept you away from the people you care about. Now, he or she monopolizes all your attention, your love, your vital energy and take pleasure in your torments, your mistakes, your induced weakness. You must accept this terrible situation: you have fallen into an almost unstoppable trap. This is not your fault.
Slowly, surely, patiently, she or he has abused you, questioned your beliefs, your values, deliberately sowing growing confusion in your mind. Your compassion, your sensitivity and your natural kindness have been his/her gateway, the confusion sown in you his/her weapon of predilection. He or she knows everything about you, but what do you know about this Other person you trust and still… love?
This little handbook explains your situation, what narcissistic perversion is, how to identify and protect yourself from a narcissistic pervert. It offers clear steps to get you out of this toxic relationship, to break free from this awful trap where you risk losing your mental and physical health, maybe even more.
You will also find, within, concrete ways to rebuild yourself.
You will succeed in getting out of this toxic relationship!
To love and live again. Truly.
Make the right decision now!
Cristina Rebiere
Courte biographie:Cristina Rebière est auteure de nombreux guides et livres. Elle a dirigé une maison d'édition, un parc d'aventures et mené à bien de nombreuses missions dans la fonction publique européenne. Elle est aussi spécialisée dans la formation continue.Ses origines:Après la Révolution roumaine, Cristina interrompt de brillantes études pour entrer à l'université en France où elle suit tout le cursus en faculté de droit et obtient une Maîtrise en Administration Économique et Sociale. D'abord chargée de communication dans un Institut Français en Allemagne, elle devient statisticienne à Bruxelles pour un bureau d'assistance de la Commission Européenne. De retour à Bucarest elle est successivement contrôleuse de gestion, directrice de maison d'édition, experte européenne puis professeure de français. En Roumanie elle fonde avec son mari une entreprise de team building puis le premier parc d'aventures jamais créé dans ce pays - construit de leurs mains - qui attirera des milliers de personnes, écoles et entreprises dans la pratique du sport et d'activités de cohésion en pleine nature. Avec son équipe, elle conçoit et construit des parcours d'escalade dans les arbres pour d'autres clients.Au rectorat de l'Académie de la Martinique, Cristina prend en charge la coordination de la Cellule Académique des Fonds Européens et de Coopération où elle accompagne les porteurs de projet dans le montage des dossiers, assure la formation en ingénierie de projet, gère un réseau de plus d'une soixantaine d'enseignants référents à l'ouverture internationale. Elle assure la gestion opérationnelle de plusieurs projets de coopération. Elle assure l'actualisation du site internet de la Délégation Académique aux Relations Internationales et à la Coopération.La pédagogie de Cristina Rebière est basée sur le pragmatisme et l'efficacité.Domaines de compétence:management de projet, voyage, marketing social de contenu, team building, formation initiale et continue, expertise en fonds européens, budgétisation, planification, productivité et stratégie, coaching, ingénierie financière, webmestre, statistiques, procédures, web intégration, conception graphique, communication, conception et construction de parcs d'aventure
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Book preview
Free yourself from toxic relationships - Cristina Rebiere
Foreword on toxic relationships
and narcissistic perverts
We welcome you to your new book of the Zen Attitude collection – "Free yourself from toxic relationships - All you need to know to deal with narcissistic personalities and rebuild yourself" – a simple and practical guide that, we hope, will help you know the steps to take in order to get out of a toxic relationship, especially with a narcissistic pervert.
I have been wanting to write a book on toxic relationships for a long time, and especially on the narcissistic perverts... For years, I have dealt with victims of this kind of persons and their distress and suffering have always had echoes in me...
This book is written not only for the victims of the narcissistic perverts, but also for friends or people who know victims of narcissistic perverts or who are entangled within a toxic relationship and who want to help these victims to get out of their relationship.
I preferred to name my book How to get out of a toxic relationship
because this kind of relationship exists even with people who are not narcissistic perverts. Even though the book focuses mostly on this type of personality - how to identify it, how to protect yourself from it and understand how it works - techniques for getting out of a toxic relationship can be used regardless of the personality that induces such distortions. It is the same rescue process
for the important stage of self-reconstruction since any victim of a toxic relationship is weakened, vulnerable and confused.
Let's start by asking ourselves the question:
What is a healthy relationship?
Whether it's love, friendship, family or work, a healthy relationship is:
a balanced exchange of feelings of love expressed in words (the phrase I love you
must not be missing or in any case, for those who have difficulty expressing their feelings in words having to pronounce this phrase should not be a problem);
a deep mutual respect;
an equitable sharing of daily life activities, as well as hobbies, passions, joys and sorrows, past stories, deep feelings, etc.;
a mutual help and moral support, both in the trials of life and in past traumas;
a genuine listening and real communication;
a continuous encouragement and support in the realization of personal and professional projects;
a warm long-term agreement with few conflicts - even if they may exist, conflicts do not degenerate when they occur within a healthy and harmonious relationship;
the absence of blackmail of any kind.
A toxic relationship is a relationship that is not healthy, tormenting and painful. As you will have understood, a toxic relationship is one for which one or more elements mentioned above are lacking.
What is a narcissistic pervert?
Narcissistic pervert
is a term that has been used more and more recently. Nevertheless, it is good that a name can be put on this type of personality and that people are beginning to have a growing interest in this kind of distortion or deviation of the personality since this kind of people has been generating victims for a very long time, both among women and men.
Throughout this book I will talk about the victim and the narcissistic pervert (NP) or the manipulator, but of course both can be women as well as men.
I have to admit that I did not know this term in the past, even if I knew very well about toxic relationships and the damage they can have on people who are prisoners in this kind of relationships. I learned it from a victim during her liberation process from the narcissistic pervert. Since then, I have begun to study it further, to do extensive research in order to confirm my knowledge collected over time, during my experiences with victims of toxic relationships. I also learned more than I knew and will share all of this information with you within this little guide.
The narcissistic perverts are a subspecies
of the human race, which sadly counts many members in our society, who manage to cause considerable damages and pain to the preys they have decided to vampirize. Although such people have existed on earth since time immemorial, the modern term of narcissistic perversion
is much more recent.
Theorized by Paul-Claude Racamier in the 1980s according to psychoanalytic notions, narcissistic perversion is defined as "a defense mechanism that consists of an overvaluation of oneself at the expense of others ".
Actually, I do not really agree with this definition, since I do not consider the narcissistic perversion as a defense mechanism
...
You will understand throughout the book that the narcissistic pervert does not defend himself, but attacks. Fiercely. Precisely. With patience and planning.
Caution! If you bought this book as a paperback, avoid letting it in plain view. It will catch the attention of your partner and will be tipped off and alert him/her. A narcissistic pervert knows what is likely to jeopardize his grip/hold. S/He monitors her/his victim, searches her bag, his belongings, reads her mails, texts, etc. All of this without leaving any trace and without raising the slightest suspicion. So be very careful where you put this book (preferably hidden or locked somewhere) and when you read it (not in his/her presence!). You will find in the chapter about tools and at the end of the book some tricks and strategies to avoid the risk of being unmasked.
A sincere desire to help others…
In this book, I will not focus on the definition or theory of narcissistic perversion. I am going to focus only on the victims of the narcissistic perverts because I started writing this guide in order to help them get out of their toxic relationship that imprison and destroy them, little by little, inexorably. I know from personal experience the immensity of the damage that the narcissistic perversion causes to a victim. I am writing this book, hoping to help at least a few of these victims, by allowing them to identify a narcissistic pervert, to protect himself/herself from this person, to give them tools to be able to leave a toxic relationship with such a person and to rebuild himself /herself so they can get their lives back...
Although I am not a psychoanalyst, I have been very interested and passionate by this field and I almost became one at some point in my life. However, I chose to abandon this project, because the world of psychoanalysis, like that of other bodies of health professionals, is too rigid and regulated and end up, sometimes and in some countries, betraying the goal of these professions, which is to help human beings feel and live better. Therefore, I chose to dedicate myself to my passion - helping human beings - especially those in distress and trapped in destructive relationships.
Thus, throughout my life, I have had the opportunity to meet many people imprisoned in toxic relationships, victims of narcissistic perverts, and even managed to help some of them to get out of these relationships that were destroying them and made them very unhappy, by robbing from themselves all the joy of living. It is true that it is only recently that I discovered that this type of personality was designated under the name of narcissistic pervert
but I have been around them for a long time. Confronted also in my life with these kinds of personalities, and because I have cultivated empathy for a long time, it is often quite easy for me to detect emotional distress in the Others. It is true that it is much more difficult to realize that this distress, this deep misfortune and malaise are due to a toxic relationship which the person is actually experiencing in his/her life. It requires attention and patience.
Human
building sites
Human relationships are complex and often complicated. This is why I always take the time to listen, to seek and try to understand, to investigate the causes of this distress before initiating any building site
. The term building site
can shock you, because it is crude and rough, but it is very adapted to human relationships since everything is constructed and destroyed as well within a person as in relationships with others.
I have to confess that I have done a lot of building sites
in my life, some of which were very laborious and cost me a lot from my personal energy, but it was well worth the effort to release victims from their toxic relationships. I have rarely managed to help people in a detached, professional
way. I get attached and I have deep feelings when I start human building sites
... Therefore, I think I would not have made a good shrink :-) because a psychologist or psychoanalysis should not get emotionally involved with his patients. But as far as I am concerned, I got involved emotionally with almost every person I could help getting out from toxic relationships. I think that even if at first sight this involvement could be detrimental to the building site
, in fact, I could see that having deep and sincere feelings for the people I helped, allowed me to overcome the sometimes deep suffering caused by some of these people towards me, without losing sight of the ultimate goal of my intervention: setting her/him free.
If you are reading this book to help someone getting out from a toxic relationship, then you will have to shield yourself emotionally and muster a large dose of determination. Throughout this book, you will have the opportunity to glean some advice in order to accomplish those pre-requirements.
Reality could be too shocking
As I told you before, this human subspecies
- the narcissistic perverts - is made up of people who, at first sight, seem charming and kind, but who, in their relations with their victim(s) are true grinding machines
.
Before starting to get to the heart of the subject, be aware that this subspecies
is so developed and numerous in our societies, that there is surely a narcissistic pervert within your environment. Whether in professional relationships, within your family, among your friends or in your personal relationships. You certainly know one of them, although you have probably not had the opportunity to identify him/her. You may have suspicions, an intuition that tells you that there is something is not right
with this person.
If you are reading this book because you are involved in a toxic relationship and would like to get out of it out, then it is important to identify first if you are dealing with a narcissistic pervert.
When I speak of relationship
, I do not restrict the scope of the relationship to love relationships - whether heterosexual or homosexual (because of course, the narcissistic pervert has no gender and its representatives are found both among men and women). A relationship of narcissistic perversion can be with your life partner, but may also exist, unfortunately, within a family between parent-child or the opposite or with another family member (uncle, aunt, grandchild, etc.), in a friendship or in work relationships.
Taking the time to write
It took me a long time before I could write this book... Years of observation, practice
or accompaniment of the victims. I started this practice with my own case, because I did not escape the horror of this kind of relationship throughout my life. This is probably the reason why I have a particular sensitivity to these dynamics and that I manage to detect the malaise and suffering of the victims of the narcissistic perverts...
However, I decided to start writing because I see more and more victims who ask for help ... Whether on social networks, or in real life, I have the opportunity to hear or see questions from these victims ... in a relationship with a narcissistic pervert. The silence of the victim is often the rule because it is one of the cornerstones of the strategy of perversion. Therefore, seeing victims who seek help is not common... and this scarcity often indicates a very advanced stage of suffering... the survival instinct that calls for help before sinking completely.
So, it is urgent to take action... and this is the reason that determined me to write, even if I had not yet fully developed all the complex aspects that such a book should address..
Be aware that it is not at all a book whose purpose would be to study the unconscious or claim to have any psychoanalytic reference. Not at all. It is a concrete book, simple, without complicated