In this episode, Rob dives deep on an issue that concerns and confuses many people - narcissism and addiction. He talks about what it means to be narcissistic, the common misconceptions surrounding it, the continuum of healthy to harmful, how to spot a narcissist, what healing looks like for the condition, and how it relates with addiction.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] Rob defines a narcissist as someone that tends to see the world mostly on their terms, and what they want matters more than what others want. Narcissists will act in ways that lack empathy, consideration, and awareness to get what they want, and say and do things that hurt, disappoint others just to meet their own needs. [2:41] Narcissism is on a scale, and some of the traits on the continuum such as self-assuredness and self-confidence are healthy. It shifts towards problematic and pathological when other people don’t exist for that person, and when everyone is simply a reflection of how they can get their desires and needs realized. [5:51] There is a genetic predisposition towards this type of personality, and some may have self obsessive traits from birth. Others may develop traits after experiencing trauma, and just being an addict by definition is acting in a narcissistic manner. [7:16] To be an active addict, that means that nothing else is more important than your needs and your wants. [10:13] In recovery, addicts must look at their demanding and self serving behavior, and often shame, immaturity and low self esteem is uncovered deep down inside. [12:09] There is no better recovery from trauma than deeply connecting with people in helpful ways and being a part of the human network without expecting and demanding. [12:54] In his many years of work and dealing with hundreds of people, Rob has seen many addicts with narcissistic tendencies and wounding, but very few full blown true personality disorders. [15:55] The child who learns that they need to soothe and comfort themselves is not a child who learns that others will be there to comfort and listen when they need it most. [17:53] Signs that a narcissist is healing includes them showing up on time, considering the feelings of others, taking accountability and ownership for their behaviors.   [21:50] One of the advantages of a narcissist in recovery is that they want to see themselves in the best light, and will want to work on giving their partner and loved ones what they need with truth and empathy. [24:16] The development of shame in a narcissist has to do with needs consistently not getting met in childhood. [25:39] Narcissists lack empathy but have remorse, which gives a foothold to healing. Sociopaths lack empathy and remorse and are not deeply connected enough to others to feel bad about their behavior to others. [28:09] Most narcissists aren’t consciously trying to take advantage of people, and oftentime take the opportunity to grow and learn. [28:39] There are both biological and cultural reasons for narcissism. Narcissistic men tend to get more dates, and have more sex.   RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout   QUOTES: “Healthy narcissism is a good thing. Unhealthy narcissism is when the belief in yourself turns into entitlement.” “True narcissists won’t understand why what they said upsets you, or why what they did is bothering you.” “People with narcissistic traits often are the risk takers, or do the impossible things to become known and seen.” “Any addict in full bloom of their addiction looks exactly like a narcissist.” “To look at your addiction, is to look at your narcissism.” “Empathy is what defines the healing for narcissism.” “Narcissism is a great thing - if you are four years old.”