Eat Something: A Wise Sons Cookbook for Jews Who Like Food and Food Lovers Who Like Jews
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About this ebook
This long-awaited cookbook (the first one for Wise Sons!) is packed with homey recipes and relatable humor; it is as much a delicious, lighthearted, and nostalgic cookbook as it is a lively celebration of Jewish culture.
Stemming from the thesis that Jews eat by occasion, the book is organized into 19 different events and celebrations chronicling a Jewish life in food, including: bris, Shabbat, Passover and other high holidays, first meal home from college, J-dating, wedding, and more.
• Both a Jewish humor book and a cookbook
• Recipes are drawn from the menus of their beloved Bay Area restaurants, as well as all the occasions when Jews gather around the table.
• Includes short essays, illustrations, memorabilia, and stylish plated food photography.
Wise Sons is a nationally recognized deli and Jewish food brand with a unique Bay Area ethos—inspired by the past but entirely contemporary, they make traditional Jewish foods California-style with great ingredients.
Recipes include Braided Challah, Big Macher Burger, Wise Sons' Brisket, Carrot Tzimmes, and Morning After Matzoquiles, while essays include Confessions of a First-Time Seder Host, So, You Didn't Marry a Jew, and Iconic Chinese Restaurants, As Chosen by the Chosen People.
• Great for those who enjoyed Zahav: A World of Israeli Cooking by Michael Solomonov, The 100 Most Jewish Foods: A Highly Debatable List by Alana Newhouse, and Russ & Daughters: Reflections and Recipes from the House That Herring Built by Mark Russ Federman
• A must for anyone looking to expand their knowledge of Jewish cuisine and culture
Evan Bloom
Evan Bloom is a British author with a professional background in the language industry. Having spent most of his life in London, he currently resides in France with his partner. Evan wrote this book based on his experiences growing up homosexual in an orthodox Jewish environment.
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Eat Something - Evan Bloom
Text copyright © 2020 by Beck and Bloom, LLC.
Photographs copyright © 2020 by Maren Caruso.
Illustrations by George McCalman.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
ISBN 978-1-4521-7903-2 (epub, mobi)
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.
ISBN 978-1-4521-7874-5 (hardcover)
Prop styling by Jillian Knox.
Food styling by Robyn Valarik and Kristene Loayza.
Design by McCalmanCo: George McCalman and Aliena Cameron.
The photographer wishes to thank Jennifer Thomas, Josh Lewis, Carolyn Schneider, and Daniel Hurlburt.
Chronicle books and gifts are available at special quantity discounts to corporations, professional associations, literacy programs, and other organizations. For details and discount information, please contact our premiums department at corporatesales@chroniclebooks.com or at 1-800-759-0190.
Chronicle Books LLC
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San Francisco, CA 94107
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A Jewish Life in Meals
a.k.a. the
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Recipe List
pg. 10
Introduction
pg. 12
THE EARLY YEARS
Bris
pg. 22
On Pastrami & Penises
An odd but traditional pairing
Leftover Pastrami All Day 26
Breakfast Tacos 26
Pastrami Carbonara 26
Raid-the-Fridge Reuben 27
Hanukkah
pg. 28
Christmas Inferiority Feelings, with Latkes
True, Hanukkah isn’t as fun as Santa’s big day. But that’s OK—it’s not supposed to be.
Latkes for All Eight Nights 33
Lots of Kinds of Latkes 34
Kimchi Latkes 34
Waffle-Iron Latkes 34
Masala Latkes 34
Make It a Latke Bar 34
Rustic Applesauce 35
The Battle of the Tree 36
In Defense of Socks 37
PURIM
The Jewish Wonder Woman 40
Hamantaschen 41
Variations 41
Visiting the Grandparents in the Sunshine States
pg. 42
Eat Something
You’ve got to go. You want to go. What you’ll eat when you do.
A Light Poolside Lunch 46
Evan’s Dad’s Sour Cream & Peaches 46
Everything Dust Potato Chips 46
Cobb Salad 47
Overheard in the Buffet Line 47
The Club’s Club Sandwich 49
Horseradish Mayonnaise 49
We Found It in Grandma’s Pocketbook 50
Sick Days
pg. 52
Nourishment for the Neurotic
It’s called Jewish Penicillin for a reason.
Wise Sons’ Chicken Soup 55
Matzo Balls 56
Schmaltz 56
Leftover Chicken Broth 58
Chicken Tortilla Soup 58
Pho Ga 58
Egg Drop Soup 58
The Cure-All of the Twelfth Century 59
On the perfect size chicken for making chicken soup: 59
THE AWKWARD YEARS
Mitzvah Moments
pg. 60
Turning Thirteen Means Big Money
Must it also mean professional dancers and mountains of food?
Pigs
in Blankets 68
Other Things in Blankets 68
Cocktail Hour at a Post-Modern Long Island Bar Mitzvah 69
Tweenagers Review Their Favorite Bar & Bat Mitzvahs 70
The Last Supper
pg. 72
Cheeseburger Time
’Twas the night before summer camp . . .
Big Macher Burger 74
Russian Dressing 76
On Care Packages: Disguising Camp Contraband 77
Christmas Dinner
pg. 79
Can We Get a Lazy Susan–Topped Table for Twelve, Please?
An ancient Jewish tradition
A Sampling of Iconic Chinese Restaurants, as Chosen by the Chosen People 84
Sunday Night Takeout
pg. 86
It’s Like Every Week Is Christmas
Meditation on the Jewish-Chinese bond
Cold Takeout-Style Noodles 89
Whitefish Toast 91
Everything Spice Crunchy Chili Oil 92
Everything Spice 92
Chinese Chicken Salad 93
Sweet Sesame Dressing 93
Ode to the Unofficial JCCs 94
Is this a one-way relationship? 94
Pastrami Fried Rice 95
THE YOUNG-ADULTING YEARS
First Meal Home from College
pg. 96
Feed Me, Mom
Reconvening in the family kitchen feels good.
Sweet & Sour Meatballs 101
Ode to Our Parents’ Pantry 102
J Dating
pg. 105
Are You Meeting New People? (I Hope They’re the Right Kind.)
But what are you really trying to say, Grandma?
Manny’s Morning After Matzoquiles 108
Tomatillo Sauce 108
Real-Life Food Stories from the Frontlines of Dating While Jewish 110
Bagel Texting (Bexting?) 111
On Drinks & Drinking 112
The Goldie 113
Bloody Moishe 113
Ode to the Old Bar 114
Whiskey 114
Peach Schnapps 114
Caffeine-Free Diet Coke 114
Seltzer 115
White Zinfandel 115
Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray Soda 115
Crown Royal 115
Shabbat
pg. 116
Friday Night Lighting
The only way to end the workweek
Jewish Chicken 121
Next Generation Health Salad 122
Wise Sons’ Braided Challah 125
Strawberry Challah Shortcake
127
Challah Onion Rolls 127
It’s Sukkot Season, 128
Harvest Partying 129
Not a Lower East Side Knish 131
Brunch
pg. 133
Why Wait So Long on the Sidewalk?
The joy of making your own breakfast
The Ideal Brunch Spread 136
The Go-To Guide to All Kinds of Shmears 138
To Toast or Not Toast or Double-Toast? 139
The L Word 139
Shmear v. Cream Cheese 140
The Smoking Section 141
DIY Cured Fish 142
The Big Bacon Debate 145
THE ALL-GROWN-UP YEARS
Rosh Hashana
pg. 146
Why the Jewish New Year Is the Best New Year
Half the fun without all the pressure of December 31
Fall Vegetable Hash 150
Honey Cake from the Box 153
Challah Apple Fritter Monkey Bread 154
How to Blow a Shofar like a Billionaire 155
Passover
pg. 156
Confessions of a First-Time Seder Host
A wine-soaked celebration of freedom
The Whole Twenty-First-Century Seder Shebang 160
Really Good Matzo 162
Charoset 164
Chopped Liver 165
Wise Sons’ Brisket 167
Apricot Chicken 169
Carrot Tzimmes 170
Potato Kugel 171
K for P Pineapple Upside-Down Cake 172
True Complaints from the Kids’ Table 174
In Praise of Parsley 175
On the Afikomen 175
Yom Kippur
pg. 176
Fasting Is Trending
But breaking the fast is the fun part.
Deli Salads 180
Chicken Salad 180
Smoked Fish Salad 180
Tuna Salad 181
Egg Salad 181
Potato Salad 183
Coleslaw 183
Wedding Party
pg. 184
Premarital Misery
Everyone loves a Jewish wedding, except maybe the people planning it.
Always-Perfect Oven-Poached Salmon 190
Chicken Schnitzel 192
Lemon-Caper Mayonnaise 192
Roumanian Skirt Steak 193
Scallion Sauce 193
Silver Dollar Potatoes 194
. . . And the Passed Apps 194
Gyoza Kreplach 194
Fish Roe on a Mini Latke 195
Chopped Liver Toast 195
Dinner with the Goyim In-Laws
pg. 196
So, You Didn’t Marry a Jew
What to cook? You’re not going to serve them chopped liver! Or are you?
Everything Onion Dip 199
Bagel Chips 199
Green Bean Casserole 200
Intermarriage Meat Loaf with Melted Onions 202
Melted Onions 203
Are You Pregnant Yet?
pg. 205
No Better Excuse to Eat . . .
. . . a lot, frequently, and plenty of pickles
Baby Naming 207
Old Jewish Names We Bet Will Never Come Back 207
Wise Sons’ Chocolate Babka 209
Babka Milkshake 210
Loaded French Toast 210
Challah Grilled Cheese 213
Pastrami Jam 213
Pickles for the People 214
Sweet Brine 214
Pickled Beets 214
Pickled Mustard Seeds 215
Pickled Red Onions 215
Pickled Cucumbers Bread & Butter Style 215
Basic Brine 216
Pickled Carrots 216
Pickled Green Tomatoes 216
The Kvetching Department 218
THE SNOWBIRD YEARS
Shivah’s Silver Lining
pg. 220
Jews Do Death Right
For so many reasons
Chocolate-Dipped Coconut Macaroons 222
Safta’s Mohn
Cookies 223
Mandel Bread 224
Rugelach 226
Walnut Filling 227
Chocolate Filling 227
Apricot Filling 227
Return to the Sunshine States . . .
pg. 228
Will We Head South, Though?
Ruminations on retirement
The Candle-Lighting Service, a.k.a. Acknowledgments
pg. 234
Image Credits
pg. 235
Index
pg. 236
Recipe List
BRIS
Breakfast Tacos (pg. 26)
Pastrami Carbonara (pg. 26)
Raid-the-Fridge Reuben (pg. 27)
HANUKKAH
Latkes for All Eight Nights (pg. 33)
Lots of Kinds of Latkes (pg. 34)
Make It a Latke Bar (pg. 34)
Rustic Applesauce (pg. 35)
PURIM
Hamantaschen (pg. 41)
VISITING GRANDPARENTS
Evan’s Dad’s Sour Cream & Peaches (pg. 46)
Everything Dust Potato Chips (pg. 46)
Cobb Salad (pg. 47)
The Club’s Club Sandwich (pg. 49)
SICK DAYS
Wise Sons’ Chicken Soup (pg. 55)
Matzo Balls (pg. 56)
Leftover Chicken Broth (pg. 58)
MITZVAH MOMENTS
Pigs
in Blankets (pg. 68)
THE LAST SUPPER
Big Macher Burger (pg. 74)
SUNDAY NIGHT TAKEOUT
Cold Takeout-Style Noodles (pg. 89)
Whitefish Toast (pg. 91)
Everything Spice Crunchy Chili Oil (pg. 92)
Chinese Chicken Salad (pg. 93)
Pastrami Fried Rice (pg. 95)
FIRST MEAL HOME
Sweet & Sour Meatballs (pg. 101)
J DATING
Manny’s Morning After Matzoquiles (pg. 108)
The Goldie (pg. 113)
Bloody Moishe (pg. 113)
SHABBAT
Jewish Chicken (pg. 121)
Next Generation Health Salad (pg. 122)
Wise Sons’ Braided Challah (pg. 125)
Strawberry Challah Shortcake
(pg. 127)
Challah Onion Rolls (pg. 127)
SUKKOT
Not a Lower East Side Knish (pg. 131)
BRUNCH
The Go-To Guide to All Kinds of Shmears (pg. 138)
DIY Cured Fish (pg. 142)
ROSH HASHANA
Fall Vegetable Hash (pg. 150)
Honey Cake from the Box (pg. 153)
Challah Apple Fritter Monkey Bread (pg. 154)
PASSOVER
Really Good Matzo (pg. 162)
Charoset (pg. 164)
Chopped Liver (pg. 165)
Wise Sons’ Brisket (pg. 167)
Apricot Chicken (pg. 169)
Carrot Tzimmes (pg. 170)
Potato Kugel (pg. 171)
K for P Pineapple Upside-Down Cake (pg. 172)
YOM KIPPUR
Chicken Salad (pg. 180)
Smoked Fish Salad (pg. 180)
Tuna Salad (pg. 181)
Egg Salad (pg. 181)
Potato Salad (pg. 183)
Coleslaw (pg. 183)
WEDDING PARTY
Always-Perfect Oven-Poached Salmon (pg. 190)
Chicken Schnitzel (pg. 192)
Roumanian Skirt Steak (pg. 193)
Silver Dollar Potatoes (pg. 194)
Gyoza Kreplach (pg. 194)
Fish Roe on a Mini Latke (pg. 195)
Chopped Liver Toast (pg. 195)
DINNER WITH THE GOYIM IN-LAWS
Everything Onion Dip (pg. 199)
Green Bean Casserole (pg. 200)
Intermarriage Meat Loaf with Melted Onions (pg. 202)
PREGNANT
Wise Sons’ Chocolate Babka (pg. 209)
Babka Milkshake (pg. 210)
Loaded French Toast (pg. 210)
Challah Grilled Cheese (pg. 213)
Pickles for the People (pg. 214)
SHIVAH
Chocolate-Dipped Coconut Macaroons (pg. 222)
Safta’s Mohn
Cookies (pg. 223)
Mandel Bread (pg. 224)
Rugelach (pg. 226)
INTRODUCTION
(the genesis of this book)
I’M AT WISE SONS DELI, in San Francisco’s Mission District, slurping a bowl of matzo ball soup while the owners give me a convincing spiel about a book that doesn’t exist yet—but should.
It would be about Jews and food,
Evan Bloom began, speaking on behalf of his partners: his brother, Ari, and his buddy Leo. OK, not just another book about Jewish food, there are plenty of those—but about Jews and food. Get it? Do you have thoughts about Jews and food?
Do I, a Jewish food writer raised in a suburban home where platters of tongue and boxes of Entenmann’s crumb cake poured like rain, have thoughts about Jews and food? Oh yes, I assured them, I had thoughts. Many thoughts.
Good,
Evan said. That’s what we wanted to hear, because we want to probe the depths of this subject. Go where no Jew has gone before. We don’t want it to be a standard cookbook, per se,
he explained. "Something more along the lines of the Bar Mitzvah Disco (2005)? I suggested.
Yes! Evan replied. But for bagels and brisket and babka and the people who eat them, we decided. With photos and illustrations and shared memories and schmaltz. And food, lots of food.
Will you write it with us? Bring home a dozen bagels and think about it. What kind of shmear do you want? (‘You mean cream cheese?’ I, a native East Coaster, replied.) Ari, get her the shmear with horseradish. (‘I do love horseradish.’) Where did you go to camp? (‘Basically the same one as you, but in New Hampshire.’) How was the food there? (‘I liked the Dixie cups of Manischewitz on Shabbat—does that count?’) Did you know Adam Goldberg? (‘Of course I knew Adam Goldberg.’)"
I didn’t need to think about it for long. Soon, I returned to Wise Sons’ Twenty-Fourth Street deli—a twenty-first century, Califortified version of the New York staple—for inspiration. And brunch. And the first thing I noticed: There was not a guy in this place who didn’t have a beard. (And there were a lot of guys in the place.)
There was also not a single diner with blonde hair, which is neither here nor there—other than to say that it appeared, at first, to be a deli filled with traditional deli-going types: i.e., Ashkenazi Jews. That is, until a dude sporting a turban strolled in and ordered lox, eggs, and onions. Then an Asian American man came calling for two dozen bagels, followed by an African American woman with dreads (as long as co-owner Leo Beckerman’s used to be), craving a hunk of babka.
. . . at Wise Sons, every day is a day to devour Jewish food. And, well, for those of us who are Jewish, every day is a day to devour.
Of course, there was no shortage of stereotypes: a pair of tiny elderly ladies complaining about the wait; a New York expat mulling the Big Macher sandwich versus the corned beef; a mother-daughter duo digging into a plate of latkes with house-made applesauce, two months before Hanukkah.
After all, at Wise Sons, every day is a day to devour Jewish food. And, well, for those of us who are Jewish, every day is a day to devour.
•••
AS JEWS WE CAN SAY THIS: Our people—in general—tend to lack certain life skills. We can’t fix our own cars or repair our own appliances. We can’t talk without yelling or walk without talking or hide our feelings or help but feel anxious. But, if there’s one thing pretty much every Jew can do, it’s eat.
And we do. With more fervor and focus than most. More than Italians? (Hard to believe, but yes. Although Bubbe’s brisket probably wasn’t as good as Nonna’s meatballs.) More than Asians? (Yes. Even a Chinese wedding banquet isn’t as excessive as a Florida gated-community clubhouse buffet.) More than most Episcopalians? (God, yes. A dried-out holiday ham flanked by five string beans does not a feast make.)
Two guys named Sean Altman and Rob Tannenbaum once wrote a song called They Tried To Kill Us, We Survived, Let’s Eat,
performed by bands like Jewmongous and Good for the Jews. It was intended to usurp Dayenu
as Passover’s top hit. It didn’t, but it does pretty much speak to every Jewish holiday, to Jews’ centuries-old relationship with food.
No doubt, thousands of years of persecution and near starvation have seeped into our subconscious, contributing to our modern-day obsession with what to eat, when to eat, how to eat. There’s got to be some deep-seated connection between our great-great-greats’ painstaking commitment to keeping kosher and our picky, particular eating habits. (Ode to Jew Nora Ephron, who penned Sally’s famed diner-order diatribe in When Harry Met Sally.)
Then there are our it’s-my-way-or-the-highway feelings about Jewish food in general. You can’t be a deli if you serve milk and meat!
customers at Wise Sons will declare. You call these Manhattan half-sours!?
they complain. Seriously, ‘kale salad’ at a Jewish deli? Oy. What’s next, kosher kombucha?
they’ll email. (See The Kvetching Department, page 218.) People walk into Wise Sons, into all delicatessens, with their own food memories, with preferences that have been ingrained since childhood. And those are not easy to shake. It’s why Wise Sons’ menu wisely includes this printed caveat with their matzo ball soup: Not as good as your bubbe’s.
Our lives, as Jews, revolve around food in a way that’s at once fanatical, logical, and comical, and, to be honest, kind of pathological. Especially when family is in town. Meals are plotted with the care and calculation of a presidential campaign. While spreading the cream cheese on our bagels, we discuss where we should go for lunch; while the Russian dressing drips from our Reubens, we ruminate over dinner reservations; while arguing over the best way to get to the airport in the morning, we wonder if we’ll have time to pick up egg-and-cheese sandwiches on the way. (We won’t.)
Of course, this laser focus on food—on both being well fed and feeding others—is not unique to Jews. Indians and Iranians, Chinese and Koreans, we’re all passionate about scoring prime reservations and packing plenty of snacks and serving abundant platters. God forbid someone goes hungry: Eating—along with studying and practicing and striving and surviving—it’s an immigrant thing. Whether we came to America last year or last century, our roots run deep. Food is life, our need to overorder is real.
Chinese takeout, at least in my family, is ordered amid hot debate, a pen-in-hand process presided over by my father, while my mother (who doesn’t do Chinese
) barks in the background, "How many are you planning to feed,