See Through Myself: A Memoir

See Through Myself

By

Colby Van Wagoner

* * * * *

Published by:

Colby Van Wagoner

Copyright © 2019 by Colby Van Wagoner

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only and may not be re-sold. If you would like to share this book with another person, please buy another copy. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Amazon.com and purchase a copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work. All rights reserved by expressed ownership of the author. Any unauthorized use or reproduction of this work is expressly forbidden, in any form, whether a paper document, electronic distribution, or any other distributed means, or for redistribution or display.

ISBN 13: 9781099940286 (Paperback)

* * * * *

Acknowledgements

For my Mom, Lynda, who gave unconditional love, inspiration, and wonderful memories as my guiding light. You saved me, and I miss you always. To my father, Gill and Julie Van Wagoner for your endless love and support. To the best cats and three wonderful little souls, Boots, Sage, and Sirus. Vaughn Uncs. A special thanks to Larry, Heike, Danny, Angelo, Mary, and Walker. Kathy and Daniel for becoming such great friends and family. Thanks to the good people of Eureka, Utah. Thank you to all my friends and you, the reader, who continues to support my work as it evolves and becomes published. You inspire me and influence the motivation to develop my craft.

Best wishes to you and yours in all your future endeavors.

Other titles available from the author:

Baggage – Act 1: Quickies

A Time for Heroes: 2017 Las Vegas Shooting

H.H. Holmes: The Devil in Me

Crow Mountain Series

Massacre Cave

Crow Mountain

Return to Crow Mountain

The Life of Zeke Slade Book series

Ranger - Book one

Fever – Book two

Compound

Dead in Love

Volume One – (The Volumes)

Earth Mongers

Jack and Jillian Children’s Book Series

Visit the author’s website for updates on future books: @ www.colbyvanwagoner.com

One learns the craft, and then casts off. One hopes for gifts. One hopes for direction. It is both physical, and spooky. It is intimate, and inapprehensible. - Mary Oliver

The River of Memory

Our stories are in no way ordinary. We are unique vessels distinctly wired to seek out reasoning, to understand the context of our emotions, and seek positive social growth. We display complete and incomplete navigations throughout the interpretation of narratives because that is an inherent flaw in human nature. It is the narrative that matters, not mere facts from life. Memory ignites thought to form during the creation process of extraordinary stories by which the mind reveals conscious and subconscious conceptions. To heal comes as a result of the permission to feel pain and hurt while processing an ability to develop strength and encourage bravery. Life is a relentless journey compounded by unknown forces of nature, all of which are hauntingly beautiful, organic, and surreal.

Where I go to is near the riverside. A light breeze begins as my hands brush across the tips of the nearby plant life. There are no present threats nearby as I kneel close to the water’s edge — the river of memory. The imagery appears in the water's reflections; the passing faces of people I recognize among a million experiences and nostalgic past recollections. Flashbacks occur through broad, colorful spectrums of spinning dreamscapes. Thought flows viewed in synthesis with the river’s motions as a collective, where a blend of experience and memory mix with the stream's current, allowing for each recollection of picturesque imagery.

Water is life passed through all energies supplied by the river and stretches across the land. A river's branching sources enrich survival for landscapes and wildlife through its abundant saturation. Step from the shallows of the riverbank, embrace a calmness within peaceful senses of my vessel. The river of memories invokes thoughts to flow. Sink beneath the depths of the waters, all vulnerable stimuli come alive, in all movements of acquiescence. A mind and river, both of which have created a consciousness awareness and recollection of these experiences brought forth through profound powers surrounded by nature’s energetic forces. Water reminiscent of the vast depths of the unknown regions of the mind. As an equivalent to the branches of river systems stretching across landscapes, their purpose of ensuring their paths reach a destination.

Such as each brain fibers are axons firing synapse of motions, the same flow of thought energies brings together a life force throughout regions of the brain. Thought motions with correlation to the purity of fresh clarity or haze in murky content, as compared to water, also show what energies transfer enrichment of thought, mood, and memory. Thoughts require speed; speed requires motion, sustained by continuous flows of elevated energy and processes of memory retention, positivity, and physical strength. In contrast, still water will stagnate to impurity, lack filtration, convolute unhealthy stasis, due to a lack in the flow of creative energy, and the environmental stimulus becomes weaker.

Waters of the river of memory present image refractions, both clear as glass or distorted when appearing below its liquid surface. Memories will not always translate precisely by what the mind perceives as truth believe or true reality. Throughout the lengthy paths of the river’s currents, stretches often move at a rapid pace. Water collides with rock and debris to present hazardous obstacles to avoid, winding through bends, where curves in the course presents a variety of unseen threats. Along the course of the river, skies above open to release their flurries, wraths of lightning and thunderous roars. The darkened clouds release a barrage of downpouring rains during the storm. The repetitious pouring rain creates liquid veils, painted between the serene landscape of the flora of the trees, masking the mountain side.

Memories can drift away as quickly passing rapids crash in the strong pull of currents along the river. Caught in turbulent moments of life or swiftly changing in progressions along the journey through the rapids. Experience happens just as quick, to become unexpectedly caught under a flurry of chilling white-water challenges along the river’s path. Treacherous experiences clash against rock barriers during the vigilant drops, aiming in each new direction chosen during the journey down the river’s twists and turns.

The strong pull of the current soon fades, and the river’s drastic descent levels to a slow pace. Anticipation through the expected potentials of hardships pass, as each experience of processed events become stored within the mind. The moments to drift along the glassy surface of calm waters are pause for reflection. Inside the mind’s river of circuits, life’s memories become stored. The positive and negative remembrances, in wait for later moments in the life of solace, or to which we share with others we meet along our journeys further down the river. The river of memory soon joins with the ocean expanse combining a collective conscious of opportunity in unique connections with others. Each life experience becomes a unique and precious experience throughout all lifespans. For all intent, I do consider myself present in the moment, still alive and breathing.

An Abnormal Birth

My birth was on March 7th, 1973. My mom, Lynda, gave birth at 4:23 p.m. in Utah’s American Fork Hospital. Her first child, born two years prior, a girl. Initially, everything appeared normal. A baby introduced into an unfamiliar environment and begins to experience the surroundings of its new world. A newborn receives its routine cleaning, swaddled inside a warm blanket, and placed in the comfort of maternal arms. Dad manages to display his proud grin through racked nerves.

Baby cries, I need everyone to know I am here and not pleased with this situation! the first chance to express frustration — the process of birth a stressful experience for both mother and child.

The mood calms, and all those involved settles in a somber environment to which mother and baby have their first moments of imprinting through connections of coos and scrunchy faces. Silly cooing voices exchanged with sighs of relief, streaming tears, and joy. Each parent pleased to welcome a new arrival. After the doctor approves mom’s discharge, the family departs with baby cuddled in her arms. Father guides the wheelchair toward the family car. Everyone returns home to adjust, rest, and settle in for the routines ahead.

Dad and mom would share stories of the hardships that took place during the birth and all the earliest memories of my childhood. The first is a complication that prevented the doctor’s approval for mom’s discharge from the hospital. I had survived the miracle of birth, only for the nurse to discover a slight abnormality. Doctor Larson, who performed the delivery, continued with his business as usual attitude. I continued a tirade of screams, Congratulations, Lynda and Gill, and you have a newborn baby boy! Comfort and pain, good times, and bad.

Dad questioned, Doctor Larson, does his stomach look normal to you?

The doctor looked closer, His stomach area appears enlarged, unusual, the umbilical cord cut and clamped.

At this stage, the nurse interrupted, I am going to weigh him, clean the fluids, while the doctor performs the first examination. She placed me in the small baby cradle. Dad overheard, Doctor, could you look at this, her busy hands swept cleaning pads across my skin.

The doctor turned, Excuse me, for just one moment, Gill.

The nurse gently wiped around my stomach, I can feel a lack of muscular durability in the lower stomach area.

Dr. Larson pressed around my stomach, Normally, there would be much stronger stomach structures, as he studied the area, I agree it appears unusual.

I will use caution, she replied.

Thank you for your diligent focus. Also, not to put heavy pressure on the stomach, until I can proceed with further examinations.

The doctor shared his first assessment, Your son has an insufficient muscle structure in the stomach region. There are concerns with swelling of his stomach.

What does that mean, doctor? dad inquired.

For the moment, I cannot present a diagnosis. In further examination and tests, I will schedule routine x-rays, blood work, and a urological evaluation. We must schedule a follow up appointment as soon as possible.

How soon? dad asked.

Let’s schedule an appointment, first thing, tomorrow morning. Colby’s appointment is the top priority. I want to ensure there are no internal issues. Please, come to the hospital’s emergency room if there are any problems or any signs of possible issues.

Mom showed concern, Does everything else appear normal?

Yes, all your son’s other functions are normal to the best of my knowledge, examinations, and experience. There is no internal bleeding, injury, or damage. I hope to discover minor nutrient issues or a diagnosis along the lines of a nutritional deficiency. The doctor shifted through some paperwork, Perhaps an intravenous route of vitamins will solve the issue. We will then have the possibility to determine a complete diagnosis, as he scheduled the arrangements for the appointment.

Mom’s discharge from the hospital had not been an expected joyful departure. Mom wheeled from the hospital’s front entrance and escorted to the family vehicle, cradling me in her arms, far from the perfect delivery with hopes for a healthy newborn child. There was worry, and extreme concern between two parents’ left to contend with the stress their newborn had a type of congenital issues. Dad drove us home in the old Ford pickup truck.

The next morning, without any emergency issues, my parents returned me to the American Fork Hospital. Dr. Larson asked my parents to join him in his office, From the examination, results show your son has abnormal stomach development, a lack of sufficient muscle growth in the lower stomach region. My concern is there might be a nourishment related problem. He read the paperwork and studied x-rays, However, another diagnosis could be urological issues with a lack of stomach development, unaware of the exact diagnosis, the doctor was concerned.

Is there nourishment you could provide or any recommendations? father and mother showed more concern.

Thankfully, the doctor was proactive, I reached out and made a consultation, more specifically, made a particularly important phone call. Let’s not start the nourishment regimen. I set up a referral with a urologist in Provo, Utah, because of what I have seen in the examinations, the appointment and consultation with the urologist that ultimately saved my life.

Another examination appointment? mom replied.

Doctor Larson provided assurance, A specialist with more experience in urological medical practices. The specialist’s name is Dr. Joseph Armstrong. A urologist and surgeon. The appointment is for this afternoon.

That soon? dad and mom seemed panicked.

Colby has not urinated since yesterday’s discharge. These are the first of the examination results I have discovered. However, Dr. Armstrong will provide a more detailed explanation and urological assessment.

Doctor Larson handed the paperwork and assessments to dad, We should take these examination results with us to the urologist?

Yes, Gill.

Thanks, Doctor.

Gill and Lynda, please let me know if there is anything else you need from me. Keep me updated on your son’s progress, mom teared up as dad consoled her.

My parents walked the hallway. Each of them passed me between their arms, consoling me and each other, and exited the hospital. Never once hesitated in their drive toward the specialist’s office. Since the urologist’s appointment was the same day, there was another drive from the hospital to the other doctor’s office. From American Fork to Provo, Utah was about a thirty to forty-minute drive. Enough time for the concerns of two parent’s minds to wander without answers or understand as to what was exactly wrong with their newborn son.

It was in the first meeting with Dr. Armstrong after my birth, and I underwent multiple examinations. Multiple blood tests, x-rays, poked and prodded with needles. The human laboratory test subject. After the urologist’s examinations, the doctor sat with my parents and explained an official diagnosis, Your son has been born with a rare birth defect.

Dad replied, What kind of birth defect?

To be certain, important consultations from what I see here in the first results, thumbs shifted through the pages of paperwork, while his pencil scribbled notes, The birth defect is Eagle-Barrett Syndrome, also known as Triad Syndrome, or ‘Prune Belly Syndrome’, because of the shape of your son’s … he paused, …what is your son’s name?

His name is Colby.

Dr. Armstrong leaned back in an office chair with a charismatic and kind smile, I like that name, and continued, the shape of Colby’s stomach is abnormal because of the lack of stomach muscles. I don’t care much for the term Prune Belly Syndrome. My diagnosis for the term of Colby’s birth defect is Eagle-Barrett Syndrome, named after the two doctors who researched, studied, and have developed wonderful and reliable, step by step, procedures we are going to take to take and make Colby survive and recover.

What are our next steps? mom asked.

In your son’s situation, I will need to obtain research material, schedule examinations, assess his test results, and determine how far the birth defect has progressed. The next step will be the surgical procedures required for the best possible outcome. The most significant issue Colby faces is survival, but the chances for recovery appear good. However, both of you need to understand Colby will require a series of surgeries.

Mom looked at dad, Surgeries?

Dr. Armstrong provided more details, After viewing Colby’s examination results, the diagnosis of Eagle-Barrett Syndrome appears to be moderate to severe in progression. To be sure, I would need your permission to reach out and make professional consultations with other urologists. If that is all right?

Yes, of course, my parents agreed. Anything you feel will help Colby’s survival, Dr. Armstrong.

A diagnosis of Eagle-Barrett Syndrome aligns with all assessment, symptomology, and tests for the diagnosis. Your son is only the 28th patient on record to survive with the birth defect as of March 7th, 1973.

Dad and mom surprised at the low survival rate, There are only 28 babies to survive?

Yes, the doctor explained, this also means with my official diagnosis, and only 28 prior patients, it just so happens the medical research is extremely limited. Urologists have not performed this type of surgical procedure. Scary for two parents to consider their newborn might not survive. Dad and mom could only look upon me and wonder about my future. The probabilities of my survival and considerations of death.

The doctor shared another frightening revelation, There is a chance Colby might not reach the age of two or live past two years of age. So, each year of survival is unknown. To survive to the age of twelve and, then, to the age of sixteen is also a rare situation. The research showed 50% of children born with Eagle-Barrett Syndrome do not survive. 20% do not survive birth. The other 30% pass away before the age of two.

The symptoms included with this rare congenital birth involve three main groups of medical issues or triads (three symptoms) — first, a lack of developed abdominal muscles. Without stomack muscles, the skin on the stomach area wrinkles like a prune, and it appears to look like a Buddha's stomach. Second, one functional kidney, another reason for surgery. Third, are urinary tract functions through the bladder and urinary tract, another reason for the required surgeries. Not all these organs were functioning the way they should be.

The doctor could not repair abnormal stomach muscles already inside me. I would never have a normal stomach like other children, or as an adult. My doctor explained, This might be a rare birth defect, and I will rely on my professional urological experience for the required procedures. Your son’s situation is unique, his example, but if Colby is the 28th baby to survive, only 28 doctors have performed this type of surgery with success.

Chances are not so good, and we should prepare for the worst? dad prepared in his way for the unthinkable outcome.

Not necessarily since this is my urological area of expertise. There is still a high probability for success, our doctor continued, even with limited research available for treatment. A successful outcome is possible. Doctor Armstrong had prepared my parents for the possibility of an unsuccessful outcome.

What are the causes? My father asked.

Dr. Armstrong explained, The information shows babies who develop Eagle-Barrett Syndrome may not have received enough amniotic fluid. Infants in utero might have developed lung complications due to a build-up of fluids, which cause pressure on the baby’s chest.

Could it have been prevented? Mom was now searching for other answers.

In certain cases, like all other medical conditions, to catch a medical issue in its first stages is the best chance for treatment. In your case, an ultrasound throughout pregnancy might have shown if the baby had issues. Such as underdeveloped lung problems, even bone or muscle abnormalities in the stomach and urinary tract problems. However, these examinations reveal issues in the later trimester of pregnancy.

Not much could have been detected in the earlier stages of my wife’s pregnancy?

There is always a possibility, Dr. Armstrong added, but even with limited information in the follow up procedures, treatments, and medical research, doctors have little methods about the urological procedures to perform during pregnancy. Even scarier for my parents is the effect on an unknown future, how to move forward in life, with a child that faced these complications. Parents make sacrifices and learn to make the necessary adjustments to keep a child alive with any extreme birth defect, illness, or diseases. There are major pressures on both parents and families.

At six weeks old, Dr. Armstrong decided to recommend surgery. Dad received the first phone call as he was about to leave work, Gill, I must stress the importance of Colby’s surgery to proceed. Colby will not survive with his current urological conditions.

"I