The Resilient Leader: How Adversity Can Change You and Your Ministry for the Better

What people are saying about …

The Resilient Leader

"Just like Batman needed an Alfred in his life, every ministry leader needs the wisdom that Alfred Ells offers in The Resilient Leader! When my crisis hit a few years ago, Al Ells knew something about me that I didn’t know; I needed resilience. During that tumultuous season, I was so blessed to know Al personally and ask him for wisdom through the darkest time in thirty years of ministry. Not everyone has that kind of prsonal access. Reading this book will give you the key ingredients that Al taught me about resilience. Now I’m dreaming again personally and professionally and by God’s grace, I’m growing in my resilience."

Brian Smith Sr., senior pastor of Hope Church and president of Campus Changer Network

Several years ago, I had hit a crisis point. All the facets of ministry at a large, fast-growing church had taken a toll on my physical and emotional health. Entering my sabbatical, I wasn’t sure if I would return. At one of my lowest times in ministry, God provided counsel through Al Ells. I am grateful that he captured the content of many of our conversations in this book. I hope they impact you the way they impacted me.

Scott Ridout, president of Converge Worldwide

"Al Ells is one of the most effective Christian counselors we have ever known. He has helped some of the most high-profile leaders in America weather the storms of conflict, crisis, and betrayal. In his new book, The Resilient Leader, Al gives guiding principles to help leaders manage crisis in a way that shapes their future success. Every Christian leader needs to read this. It’s a powerful and much-needed book!"

Hal and Cheryl Sacks, cofounders of BridgeBuilders Intl. Leadership Network

"Al Ells is one of the most insightful and wisest Christian leaders I know. He is a marriage and family counselor who understands leadership like few others. Sitting under his teaching and mentoring the last twelve years has made me a much better leader and enriched my life significantly. In The Resilient Leader, Al provides profound insight and understanding about leadership challenges and issues that plague most pastors. I wish I had this resource when I started my ministry."

Dr. Doug Talley, executive state pastor of Indiana Ministries of the Church of God

You were designed to overcome your challenges and live a life displaying God’s heart of mercy, love, and redemption to the world around you. Al Ells has personally and effectively walked countless leaders through the torment of crisis and offers strategy and hope to truly experience the kind of victory that becomes contagious and authentic. With careful exploration into biblical stories, true life examples, and practical steps, this book will equip you to face your buried pain and prepare you for the life of effective leadership you have been praying for! We highly recommend this book.

Bob and Audrey Meisner, founders of Love Married Life, My New Day TV

Al Ells has written a book of great importance to everyone who is leading an organization! Not only do we, as leaders, want to survive our leadership role, but we want to thrive in it as well. Al has very practical insights on how to do that in whatever position of leadership you might find yourself. Al has been incredibly helpful in my personal leadership role over the years and has offered me great wisdom and insight. I have recommended Al’s other books and publications to many, many leaders over the years, and I highly recommend this book as well.

Brian Anderson, pastor of Vineyard Church North Phoenix and vice president of Vineyard Churches USA

"Al Ells is a great coach and friend to hundreds of leaders across the nation. As with all of his books, The Resilient Leader is written like a practical how-to manual. He addresses the challenges that all of us as leaders deal with at some point in our lives and does so in a way that shines a light on the path to hope. This isn’t a feel-good book; it is a work-hard book that will challenge you to come to grips with habits or lifestyle issues that cause you to settle for far less than God’s desires for your leadership. The Resilient Leader continues Al’s legacy on how to model ministry well!"

Dr. Greg Wiens, chief catalyst of Healthy Growing Leaders

"In a culture that values comfort, convenience, and ease, God often uses pain, difficulty, and suffering to develop leadership within us. In this book, Al Ells, who is both a seasoned counselor and a pastor to pastors, explains how to interpret the many ways God works in our lives to grow us into maturity. The Resilient Leader is a must-read for anyone who desires to understand the power of adversity in shaping character."

Cal Jernigan, senior pastor of Central Christian Church of Arizona and lead at United Pastors of Arizona

As one who has been on the receiving end of Al’s wisdom more than once, I am very pleased he has taken the time to write on this very important, but often neglected, subject. I predict readers (especially leaders) will conclude this book is worth its weight in gold. Embracing adversity is counterintuitive and sometimes difficult. But I am reminded of C. S. Lewis’s observation that ‘God’s love marshals us where we would go if we truly knew what we wanted.’ I suspect my own copy of this book will have plenty of worn, dog-eared pages.

George Otis Jr., president of Sentinel Group

"Al Ells speaks directly to the church in a time of need. Al is a scholar-practitioner. He has the life understanding to speak with utmost veracity, but he also has the stripes, so he speaks with Calvary’s compassion. His message is not only a prophetic word but a redemptive protocol to restore leaders and saints back to health. The Resilient Leader is a must-read for everyone, especially in this season of Christendom."

Dr. Wayne Cordeiro, president of New Hope Christian College

"Adversity, conflict, disappointment, and angst are a part of life. Al Ells is uniquely qualified to speak to these difficult and sensitive topics in this meaningful book. I know of few leaders who have personally counseled, cared for, and loved on more leaders than Al. If you are a leader and you are in the midst of pain, or if have yet to encounter a crisis, this book is for you.… Overflowing with wisdom, insight, and personal vulnerability, The Resilient Leader is for every leader who desires a more honest transformational relationship with Jesus.… I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of the generous love of Jesus in a fragmented world."

Jimmy Dodd, founder and president of PastorServe

When I found out Al was writing a book on how to be resilient, I immediately asked for an advance copy. Why? For one, Al is, simply put, one of the wisest men I know. Secondly, I need resilience to finish strong. We all do. This book is one of the most practical and inspiring guides to help you do just that.

Ashley Wooldridge, senior pastor of Christ’s Church of the Valley

"Al Ells has been counseling leaders with practical wisdom for over forty years. His books and newsletters provide insights that help leaders with their ministry, business, and families. Al has helped me at critical times in my ministry. The Resilient Leader will help you to build on a strong foundation, so the legacy of your ministry and family will be lasting fruitfulness."

Mark Buckley, president of Grace Association of Churches, Ministers and Ministries

Al’s wisdom and counsel have deeply impacted my life and work over the past decade of ministry! It’s a privilege to count him as a close friend and wise sage in my life. Al is a skilled surgeon who knows how to get down in the root causes of our pains in leadership. Not just to bring some comfort and encouragement, but he zeroes in with laser focus on the foundations of authentic, spiritual leadership. As I reflected on the pages of his new book and the wisdom and perspective he brings here, I don’t know any veteran of ministry who would not benefit for his practical truths and advice!

Jon Bennett, senior generosity strategist at Generis

THE RESILIENT LEADER

Published by David C Cook

4050 Lee Vance Drive

Colorado Springs, CO 80918 U.S.A.

Integrity Music Limited, a Division of David C Cook

Brighton, East Sussex BN1 2RE, England

The graphic circle C logo is a registered trademark of David C Cook.

All rights reserved. Except for brief excerpts for review purposes,

no part of this book may be reproduced or used in any form

without written permission from the publisher.

The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of David C Cook, nor do we vouch for their content.

This book is for ministry leaders, mainly pastors. Women ministry leaders play a significant part in the life of the American church. You will notice, however, that gender language in this book is generally male for ease of writing and because of the preponderance of male leadership. That said, it has been the author’s privilege to work with some outstanding female leaders who may recognize themselves and their struggles in these pages.

This book contains true stories. Several individuals granted full permission to use their profiles to help others. All other identities are concealed, and some are composites of several case histories.

Although advice is offered herein, this book is not intended to replace professional counseling or medical advice.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked

ESV

are taken from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved;

NIV

are taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide; and

NKJV

are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Control Number 2020935434

ISBN 978-0-8307-8107-2

eISBN 978-0-8307-8113-3

© 2020 Alfred H. Ells

Represented by PriorityPR Group & Literary Agency, www.prioritypr.org.

The Team: Michael Covington, David Webb, Stephanie Bennett, Megan Stengel, Kayla Fenstermaker, James Hershberger, Jon Middel, Susan Murdock

Cover Design: John Lucas

To the best wife I could want and need—

I dedicate this book to you, Susan.

Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

I. Are You Prepared for Conflict and Crisis?

1. You Can Survive Conflict and Crisis (and Be Better for It)

A Troubled Night

The First Step in Responding to a Crisis

The Shadow Side of Your Gifts

2. Leaders Are like Trees

Mystery of the Wind

Pain Often Comes before Gain

These Leaders Became Better

Resilience Is the Ticket to Thriving

The Path to Sustaining Excellence

3. When Conflict and Betrayal Come

Managing Change and Conflict

The God Moment

Five Conflict Styles

Removing the Root of Anger

Can Relationships Be Restored?

Leaders in Crisis

4. What You Don’t Know about Storms May Sabotage You

All Leaders Encounter Storms

Some Storms May Be Enemy Sieges

What to Do When You Have a Human Enemy

Spiritual Warfare Is Usually Involved

You Need to Develop Grit

You’re Not Being Punished

Turning Crisis to Blessing

5. The Hidden Causes behind Leadership Attacks

What Is Mobbing?

Karpman’s Drama Triangle

The Dangers of BIRGing

II. How to Handle and Prevent Conflict

6. Build a Healthy Culture

Missional Team Culture

Family Culture

Inward-Focus versus Outward-Focus Culture

Which Culture Do You Have?

7. Build a Healthy Relationship with Your Board

Build a Foundation of Trust

Don’t Be Defensive

When Staff Members Complain to the Board

Create Guidelines for Conflict Resolution

Board Guidelines for Supporting the Senior Leader

When It Is Necessary to Fire Someone

The Storm That Never Brews

8. Protect Your Marriage and Family from the Hazards of Ministry

The Key to a Fulfilling Relationship

When You’re Partners in Marriage and Ministry

Things Change

The Impact of Children

Connection Is the Key to Influencing Change

Support from a Healthy Board Relationship

Your Schedule Makes a Difference

9. Overcome Vulnerability with Self-Leadership

Leading a Church Is Difficult

The VUCA Factor

The First Step in Self-Leadership

How to Deal with Unrealistic Expectations

You’re Not a Failure

Conquering Fears of Failure and Inadequacy

10. Dealing with Betrayal and Trusting Again

When Betrayal Happens

Dealing with Betrayal

Loyalty to a Person or a Mission?

Trusting God

Resilience Begins with Trusting God

What Does It Mean to Trust?

Seven Important Steps to Trusting Again

The Right Perspective Makes All the Difference

Be Intentional in Developing Trust and Resilience

11. Ten Proven Steps to Resolving Conflict

Adopting an Effective Model for Conflict Resolution

Steps to Resolving Conflict

12. Sexual Failure and Restoration

What Doesn’t Work

What to Do When Failure Happens

Necessary Milestones for Healing and Restoration

Creating a New Future

III. The Five Disciplines That Build Resilience

13. Discipline One: Manage Your Emotions and Invite God In

The Resilience-Building Cycle

Manage Your Emotions

Dealing with Anger

Conquering Fear and Anxiety

Winning over Shame and Self-Pity

14. Discipline Two: You Need an ISSN

Strong Relationships Have Health Benefits

Leaders Don’t Have to Be Lonely

An Answer to Blind Spots

Seek Out Intelligent Friends

Safe Friends Are a Must

Friends Speak the Truth in Love

Avoid Critical People

Why Allies May Not Be What You Really Need

The Spouse Also Needs Support

Spouses Want Someone to Talk To

Covenant Groups Are an Answer

Our Shared Belief

15. Discipline Three: Learn from the Storm

What We Can Learn

Learning from Failure and Crisis

Learning Grit

It’s Important to Reframe

Humility: What It Takes to Learn

16. Discipline Four: Let Go

What and Why to Let Go

Unresolved Pain

The Value of Tears

Sharing Our Tears with God

Crying Out to God

How to Cry Out to God

After You Cry Out, Let Go

How to Surrender Control and Let Go

If Crying Out to God Doesn’t Work for You

Do You Need to Cry Out to God?

17. Discipline Five: Dare to Hope, Dream, and Risk Again

Finding Hope in the Middle of the Storm

When I Needed Hope the Most

Hope Is Essential to Survive a Storm

Discovering a Better Destiny

When I Was an Angel!

The Need to Dream

Time to Risk Again

What Good Has Your Pain Produced?

Appendix

Recommended Resources

Notes

About the Author

Also by Alfred Ells

Foreword

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 NIV

Everybody has friends. Friends to love and to love you. Most people have two or three best friends. Yet few, it seems, have a friend closer than a brother or sister, a friend who not only will stand with you in the storms of life but also will speak honestly to you about your self-destructive attitudes and behaviors, which the Bible calls sin. For me, Al has been that kind of Christian brother and friend.

Al has a passion for people to be whole and for leaders to last and to thrive. In this book, he shares an array of personal and professional insights, none of which can be fully understood and applied without Jesus Christ as our life center and His presence in the invaluable friendships He gives us. Where two or three are gathered in my name, Jesus promised us, there am I among them (Matt. 18:20 ESV).

This book is as good as it gets. It’s profoundly insightful. Although Al is professionally trained as a counselor—and what he presents here certainly reflects a broad and deep understanding of human behavior—so much of what Al writes is nothing short of God-given insight. It’s said that prophets are seers; that’s the essential meaning of the term. I call Al a prophetic counselor because of his uncanny and sometimes unsettling ability to see into me and through me. You might call it in-sight. One dictionary tells us that insight is apprehending the inner nature of things or … seeing intuitively. ¹ This book has that feel.

You may also like to know that Al has a great family and many significant friendships. He has personally counseled thousands of pastors, leaders, and everyday people with extraordinary results. Yet he’s invited me and others to speak into his life too!

He would tell you that God’s presence in his life has been persistent. Jesus, full of grace and truth, has been there for him throughout the darkest and most difficult times in his own life. So Al has more to offer than just great advice. Countless times in my relationship with Al, he has brought me closer to Christ. It reminds me of something Jesus said: I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you (John 15:15 NIV).

If you are closed minded, don’t read this book! But if you want life-changing insights grounded in God’s Word, get ready to be challenged and changed. And certainly, talk about what you read with your friends. As Paul wrote, I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Yet it was kind of you to share my trouble