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Don't Do It, She Likes It

Don't Do It, She Likes It

Автором Susu Smitzh

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Don't Do It, She Likes It

Автором Susu Smitzh

Длина:
559 pages
8 hours
Издано:
Aug 28, 2020
ISBN:
9781528985536
Формат:
Книге

Описание

If you read this, this is a story about you, written by you, from you and for you. As we know social media has changed the world, it is not just part of your life but it is your life. Social media motto: do not judge, lest be judged with photoshopped and filtered photos.
Social media is so powerful, it can turn nice guys into thugs, strangers into lovers, and your milkman into lover (and vice versa).
What you post there is limitless - duck face selfies, possum face selfies, egg holder mouth selfies (all photoshopped). The limits are your internet connection and if your partner finds out your passwords (are you in cold sweat now?)
Come and discover the good, the bad and the funny side of social media - where you can see what everyone's bathroom looks like…
Издано:
Aug 28, 2020
ISBN:
9781528985536
Формат:
Книге

Об авторе

Susu Smitzh was born and grew up in South Asia, now living in Sydney, Australia. She is married and a mother of a daughter. She likes drawing, sudoku, watching documentaries, cooking and 50% discounts. This is her very first book.

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Don't Do It, She Likes It - Susu Smitzh

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About the Author

Susu Smitzh was born and grew up in South Asia, now living in Sydney, Australia. She is married and a mother of a daughter. She likes drawing, sudoku, watching documentaries, cooking and 50% discounts. This is her very first book.

Copyright Information ©

Susu Smitzh (2020)

The right of Susu Smitzh to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

Austin Macauley is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In this spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528985529 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528985536 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2020)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Acknowledgements

Firstly, I would like to thank the entire team of Austin Macauley for their help and encouragement to publish this book. I also thank my husband and daughter for their love, support and understanding.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Social Media, I am your story, I am your diary, your best friend, online society, civilisation, life and soul. I am for all genders, all ages, all races, cultures, nationalities, ethnicities and religions. I am still young, I am not even twenty-year-old yet I am the most powerful tool in the world for communication and sharing. I know more secrets than the FBI, CIA and your spouse.

I make two strangers become lovers, lovers become strangers, your neighbour becomes your mama, the milkman becomes your papa, and papa becomes the milkman, sex magnets become a fridge magnet and fridge magnets become sex magnet. Even I can make vampires stop sucking blood and become blood donors. That shows how powerful I am.

My users come from all over the world, seven continents, 195 countries (193 countries are member states of the United Nations). The number of worldwide social media users has reached 3.196 billion in 2018. The population of the world reached 7.7 billion in 2018. It means almost half of the world’s population is social media users. 71% of internet users were social media users, and these figures are expected to increase.

They use me for different purposes. Just to stay in touch with what my friends are doing, to stay in touch with current events, to fill up spare time, to spread the word of God, to meet new people, to share my opinion and photos, to expand my business. Oh, cut to the chase, skip the boring part and let’s talk about why you all are here. You all use social media to check up what your exes are up to and if you are much hotter than her boyfriend, to show off your handbags and first-class travel, to see someone else’s bathroom as so many sexy selfies taken in the bathtub, to see the underwear she’s wearing, to see people become sentimental and romantic over politics.

Social media is your TV station and you are the news anchor. You choose your news that you are going to broadcast live from your computer, then it is up to the audience. Some news makes you smile or half-smile. Some news makes you poke your eyes with sandals. Some news is just news that makes your heart beat faster, run out of breath, perspiring, you are screaming… then you look for a cigarette with that smile. That was really good, you say to yourself, then pass out on the lounge.

Warning: this book is not suitable for children under 18. For external use only, not to be eaten or drunk. This book is for fun, there are dramatisations, locations and names are fictional to protect the innocent. This book may contain traces of nuts and choking hazards. Shake well side to side before use, if pain persists, please see your doctor. This book is the story about you, social media addicts, inspired by you, and for you. Pride and fries of social media. Don’t stress too much about social media and this book, if you keep cursing social media and this book, you will be lactating (men can lactate too, you know). By the way, would you like fries with that?

Social Media Is Your Parallel Universe Wannabe

This is how most of us see our social media: check the homepage, check the notifications, who likes my post, how many likes I get, what did they comment about my post, check the inbox, check who sends me a friend request, then check your friend’s wall, from wall to wall. Then back to the homepage again, then repeat the whole cycle again and again. You know you have read those, you know you have seen those, but you go back there again and again. If this is a house, you check your bathroom, then you go to see your parents’ bedroom, Hi, Mum and Dad, your sibling’s room, Hi, brother, then you go to the kitchen, walk to the living room, after you see it all, you repeat again. You go to the bathroom again, then to your parents’ room again, Hi, Mum and Dad, go round and round until your father says, What the hell are you doing, you dickhead! You just look for excitement and something new. You’re expecting to see a new room or a box of treasure in your house that you haven’t discovered (which is impossible).

Social media can turn a thug into a nice guy and a nice guy into a thug. Mama says, you must go to bed at 9:00 pm but you go to bed at 9:05, a thug life. Mama says, you must wear your pyjamas, but you go to bed wearing pyjamas and socks, a thug life. You say you’re the toughest man in the world, you will fight anyone who’s standing in your way, but you still sleep with your Hello Kitty soft toy. You say you are the scariest thug, but you have a peanut allergy and flowers allergy. You say you’re the scariest gangster, you have a scary skull tattoo on your arm with writing, Mama loves me no more, but you still cry watching the Pretty Boy movie and whenever you open your wallet.

Never judge a book by its cover. Most of social media users are here to judge your posts, that’s why there are emojis, likes, dislikes, and comments. Not all thugs are bad. There are some thug-looking men that look like a Hell Boyoyo but have a heart like a Hello Kitty, soft and cuddly. Never judge a camel by its humps, unless you’re a tax office and the banks. They’ll judge you monthly. They can find you wherever you are in the world and never give up chasing you. Even if you go missing in the North Pole, they will find you! Not to help you but ask you to pay your tax.

Thank you, Lord, thank you very much. When I lost hope that no one could ever find me as I’ve been lost for 8 days without food, water and shelter, there you are. Thank you.

That’s all right, big fellow, but the purpose for which I am here is not because I want to rescue you, I am here because you haven’t paid your tax yet.

Oh God, this is so cruel. I am really, really dying here. Get me home first then I pay tax.

Sir, there are two certain things in life: death and taxes, says the tax man, he looks at you then he adds, Oh, sorry I forgot, actually there are three. Death, taxes and exes.

Nooo…! For God’s sake, nooo…! I think I’d better die here when you mentioned the last one. At least I’ll die with dignity.

I turn a grown-up man into a child and a child into a grown-up, a baker into a lover and a lover into a baker, a milkman into a lover and a lover into a milk allergy.

Honey, what’s this? You’ve been exchanging thousands of messages with the milkman?

Darling, I just want to make sure we got the right milk. I am so careful about milk, I like to know the cow, the process and all.

But thousands of messages to a… milkman? Come on! From now on, I change milk to soya milk! Is it about the real cow or the milkman? Or you do both of them! Tomorrow, no moo-moo in this house!

I think you develop a milk allergy and a milk rash. See, when you have a milk rash, you get angry easily. A wise man says, a happy cow is a happy wife.

I am not afraid of moo-moo, it’s the moan moan that I hate. Have you ever seen a man being jailed because he got a milk rash? Maybe because he’s been milking the wrong women. I am not afraid of Santa either. I just hate it when Santa gives you presents quietly when your husband and children are asleep! Or maybe I am the stupid one.

In this case, I, social media, would like to say yes, you are stupid if you believe you have a milk allergy or a milk rash. You didn’t know your lady has a thing for a milkman. Have you ever heard a saying, Do not cry over spilled milk? This is only one true story from millions of true stories on social media. Bias to a stupid thing can make a smart man into a stupid man. Bias to Santa turns you into a generous man. Just like politics, when we have favourites and hate, it makes us biased as it will impact our decision and the way we perceive the world.

Basically, you can turn into anything in your social media, it’s limitless. Two things that limit you are your internet connection or when your lover finds out your password. Check your social media inbox again, I think your partner just hacked your account. Is your heart beating faster? Are you in a cold sweat? Is your blood pressure much higher than Mount Everest? Is your mouth wide open and quickly you check your smartphone now, in case your lover hacked your account? Did I just scare you?

Social media is used for business, political engagements, news, students, marketing, statistics, relationships, employees, advertising, love, and the lists go on.

I use social media to keep in touch with family and friends.

No, I don’t have social media. I don’t need them.

That’s what you tell your wife, family and friends. When they are not around, you secretly check your social media inbox, your eyes light up, a big smile on your face and say, Ayaya…carumba! You are hotter than chicken enchiladas. Aww yes, hit me like a piñata. The more you hit, the more I ejaculate sweets. Yes, yes, yes! And that picture you are lusting at is not your wife. Meanwhile, on your social media wall, you write how lucky and blessed you are to have the best wife and family, but inside your secret chat room, you write how much you want to be blessed and baptised by hot chicks. I know what you did last night.

You are at your best behaviour when you’re using social media. It does not necessarily need to be wise, honest, smart and have emotional maturities. You choose and select the content that you’re going to post. Hence, all of your pictures are flawless on social media. All of your posts you share are the information that you agree with and the proof that you are right.

Have you ever seen a post which is proof that you are a liar and cannot be trusted? Nope. The point is, you are fully aware and conscious of when and what you post on your social media. You don’t write on your wall when you’re asleep, do you? Sleep walking? Sleep networking? I don’t think so. If your post is so cringeworthy and causes so much controversy, just post it again and tell them your account has been hacked. It is not you, blame the hacker. If anything goes wrong, blame the hacker. Is your girlfriend pregnant? Well, it is not her account that has been hacked, it is the milkman who secretly spilled the milk, not the hacker.

In my ancestry, a cell phone was born. It was bulky, heavy and huge like a new-born baby. You could tell the difference between a cell phone user and a non-cell phone user. How? The guys with the muscly Rambo arms were the cell phone users. Keep picking an old cell phone is like weightlifting.

Then SMS and email were born. Actually, they are my siblings, we have the same mama and papa, an internet family. See, I have a family too just like you. If my Dad is angry, there will be no internet connection for us. This will impact you, too. Make you sure you be nice to Dad, so you can chat, share, flirt, twerk, share joy and happiness, share your crying and tears online. I am the youngest one, I was born in 2000s, I am the youngest one but I am the most popular one.

I hold all of your secrets, all your juicy, dry and dirty secrets are with me. Some of you are hypocrites. What you write on your wall is totally different from your inbox. All I can say is when you drop all those bombshells in your inbox, wow, I almost fall off my chair. You act like a Wi-Fi angel or wingel (you only open your wings when Wi-Fi is available) on your wall but you are a hasshole, AKA hairy asshole, when it comes to your inbox.

In social media, forget the wall. The wall is full of adverts and how good of a person you are, full of self-promotion. The inbox is where all the dark affairs begin and wars begin. These are my facial expressions when you write in your secret inbox:

I roll my eyes

I shake my head

My mouth is wide open

Nausea

Sneezing

Laughing

Wrinkle in my forehead

Combination of all the above

You write on your wall about that guy, He’s a pimp! He has no soul! But later you inbox him, Psst… do you have new stock? Any new girl? Or you tell your wife and family you don’t have social media. Of course you don’t, I mean you don’t use your real name and real photo for your social media account. You look completely unrecognisable on your social media, I see you use a photo of a very good-looking man with a six pack for your social media image, despite in real life your real look is a far cry from six-pack abs like your social media photo, but your real abs say you’re a burger lover.

The majority is not a hasshole, thank God for that. There are so many beautiful secrets I hold. I know who you are, you are truly a hero. You never post how you save some nuns and children from a zombie, or post your photo feeding starving people, hugging a sick child, no, you don’t do that. You don’t write how great you are or some wisdom crap either on your wall. But secretly inside the inbox you have helped and touched so many people by either your support or love. You don’t need validation and accolades from others, because you have a heart of gold. Many times I clap my hands because of the good things you’ve done.

There are many good Samaritans on social media. They rally and stand up together for a good cause. With social media, we can become united for love and humanity. There is a big difference between sharing positivities and love together, and competing in the name of a good cause just to reach that title: to be the best person, the hero who helps the most, where ego and narcissism talks.

The fake philanthropists do good things to compete with other good Samaritans. They help people to get recognition, attention, compliments and accolades. They love to be showered with compliments. They more they have likes, the happier they are. They use poverty and tragedies to boost their bloated ego and are superficial. Narcissists want to be called a hero when they post their charity work. And they hate it when they see the other good Samaritans do the same to help people, because in their mind, they want to be recognised as the only hero to save the world. This is what narcissists think – if the other can feed one village, I can feed two villages. They build one school, I have to build two schools.

Most of us are a philanthropist, we don’t write how many people we have helped or how many good things we’ve done. We write it in our heart, not on social media. To be a good Samaritan is not social status to upgrade your self-image. When you do something from the heart, there’s no strings attached. But when you do something from ego, you want something in return. Just like business, there’s a demand and supply, no free ride.

Social media doesn’t applaud you because you are a nice person, an angel, the richest, the smartest one, a bad person, a narcissist, Machiavellian, two-faced, three-faced, a pervert, upvert, downvert, photoshop maniac, psycho backside, cupcake killer, duck face selfies, nutters and all that creepy stuff online, or whatever you are. Social media doesn’t care, it just cares about mighty dollars. Why are many violent videos and graphic photos still around social media? Read again, because they don’t care. They deal with Satan and vampires too if they have to, as long as they make big money.

Did social media ask your permission to use your information and sell it to other companies? Did social media force you to sign terms and agreements as if you have clicked ‘agree’ whether you like it or not? Did social media ask your permission to expose what information that you just gave a like, when you wrote the last comment, when the last time was that you were active? No. Because it (social media) thinks it is too big to stop and listen to us, listen to what users need and want. They think we need them more, the fact is they need us more than we need them.

Social media doesn’t care if you are angels from heaven or devils from hell, as long as social media makes big money. Well, social media has policies too, to report bullying, harassment, self-harm, crimes and all the bad stuff. But come on, it’s only for display and advertising for: I, social media, am a good person, I am here to help. The fact is, there is still much dodgy and terrible stuff which is still around in social media.

This is why I am here, I am your book, your secrets, your messenger, your mirror, your journal, your wonder wall, your diary, your life and your soul. According to a Pew survey which was conducted in 2014 – 2015, 94% of teenagers go online every day on their smartphone daily. 71% of them have more than one social media site.

Signs you are addicted to social media:

Before you go to bed, you check your social media, you wake up in the middle of the night, you still manage to check your social media, even just scrolling on the home page or timeline.

Every morning once you’re awake, the first thing you do is check your social media, in case you have missed some news or new things.

You just waste your time looking at procrastination and nonsense. They can be entertaining but most news of social media doesn’t do any good for your health. You are glued to social media, scrolling for hours to read most of the news. Looking at social media is your activities.

You check in everywhere you go.

Checking your notifications all the time. Some social media addicts have a delusion that their phone vibrates or receives notification.

You focus on likes, comments and shares you receive. Especially for likes, that matters the most. For social media addicts, receiving likes is like receiving a blood transfusion to make you alive again.

Taking photos of everything, even a tasteless and senseless one like an accident. First thing you do when you see an accident, you don’t help the victim but you grab your smartphone and share it on your social media, which is morally wrong. Social media addiction is a moral issue, sharing everything without thinking, Is my post morally right or wrong?. From all the food you eat, the video of your wife giving birth, having a shower, constantly taking selfies from anywhere, when you just hit the pillow, all your movements, anything.

Social media is not just a part of your life but has become your life. Without it, you lose interests in doing anything. You feel something is missing in your life if you don’t have an internet connection, you just don’t feel right if you can’t see your social media.

Loss of interest to communicate with real people in real life and do activities.

Your children are there playing with their toys next to you, but your mind and hands are on social media, you are communicating and looking at your social media more than spending time to have communication with your children. You get together with your friends, you all sit at one table with your friends, you all are busy communicating but not to each other, to your smartphone and interact less with each other. No social media is no life, for social media addicts. You are sick, can’t sleep and eat well, but you’re lying in bed staying online non-stop looking at your smartphone. Well, this doesn’t help your health at all. You are a selfie addict. If you have an addiction to alcohol, sex and gambling, you go to meetings and rehab. But if you have a selfie addiction, the only thing that stops you taking selfies is when you hear this, Don’t move! Hands up! You are under arrest!

This is a common view about a new mother, you are pushing a stroller with your baby in that pram. Something unusual about this is you don’t push the stroller with your hands but with both of your elbows while your hands are checking your social media. So your eyes and your mind are juggling between watching the road and social media.

Social media makes you disconnect from reality but stay closer to the cyber world. You feel you more belong in the cyber world, not in real life. Social media is your sunshine and universe. People who get addicted to alcohol are called alcoholics, addicted to work is a workaholic, addicted to chocolate is called a chocoholic, social cyber addiction is called a soberdict. You use social media like you use a padded bra, to boost and inflate your ego, without it you feel smaller and can’t stand firm.

Social media has changed the way we communicate, share and get connected to the world. These days, you don’t have to be nice to have a friend, as long as you have Wi-Fi, you’ll get friends from around the globe. Life through the ages has been between tribes, families, children and relationships, not with current technology.

God didn’t give Moses the Ten Commandments through social media. The earliest true writing systems are the Sumerian archaic and the Egyptian hieroglyphs, both emerged from their ancestral photo-literate symbol systems from 3400 – 3100 BC, with earliest coherent texts from about 2600 BC. Should the smartphone and social media have existed in those days, it could’ve been less effort for them to write it on their social media wall than chipping it into the rock as they could’ve zoomed in and zoomed out, added emojis and likes. Then around 100 BC, paper was invented in China. In 105 AD, during the dynasty of Han emperor Ho-Ti, a government official in China named Ts’ai Lun was the first to start the paper making industry. The first recorded zero appeared in Mesopotamia around 3 BC. The first selfie appeared in 1839 by Robert Cornelius.

The new generation has been influenced by social media. It has changed the way we live. Your mood is dependent on what happens on your social media, basically social media dictates your happiness. There is a song from Crowded House, Take the Weather with You. Your social media has become the weather for its users. It brings sunshine, rainbows, and also bad weather such as hurricanes and storms, even a tsunami. Happiness comes from what we see, hear, listen to, touch and feel. Happiness make us more positive and motivated, mostly coming from kindness and love. But for soberdicts (social cyber addicts), the happiness comes from the speed of the internet connection, if the battery is full, likes, emojis, and all attention in social media.

It is very rare to see someone who doesn’t use social media to communicate. Some who refuse to use social media because they believe the valid communication is to interact face-to-face, not from staring at a smartphone. What is communication? According to a dictionary, communication is the imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing or using some other medium. To communicate is to share or exchange information, news or ideas.

The most common communication since the stone age is face-to-face interaction. This boosts collaboration and creativity through the ability to share ideas more freely. The advantages of real communication are, we can see the body language, facial expressions, intonation of voice, feelings and reactions, directly. Social media has expressions too, which are called emojis.

If we used these emojis to express our feelings in ancient times, it would’ve been very strange, it was not really what warriors would do. Now, what emoji would the Vikings use? I think it wouldn’t be a big heart or a big kiss emoji. If the Samurai or Bushido, the highest-ranking social class of the Edo period in Japan (1603 – 1867) used social media – Shimaju Yoshihisa, one of the famous samurai heroes, just posted a photo of his samurai. We were assumed he would’ve attracted millions of fans from around the world, his photos would’ve broken the internet. Big possibilities of the comments on his photos would’ve been like these:

Shimazu Yoshihisa, you are my hero, said the girls with a big kiss and love emoji.

Oh, my gosh. You look hot, hot, hot, marry me.

I’ll die to have a samurai like yours, Yoshihisa. Mine is only an ordinary samurai. My wife was chopping onions and garlics for fried rice using my samurai.

So your enemies will smell like onions and garlic then.

My enemies were screaming so loud begging for mercy when I used my favourite samurai.

Actually, your girlfriend was louder than your enemies last night.

Master Shimaju Yoshihisa said, he had a vision about the future last night. He looked so upset, he said in his vision, he sees men won’t use samurai anymore. But they use a selfie stick.

A selfie stick? So in the future, all of them are fighting with the selfie sticks to kill the enemies?

Yes, they use selfie sticks to take a picture of themselves, then they fight over that selfie.

Are they warriors or a bunch of Tupperware Ladies?

No more samurai, it will be a selfie-stick battle.

Imagine if a mammoth had social media. She just posted her selfie, then came a carnosaurus to reply on her post. A carnosaurus was a dinosaur with a massive body, beefy shoulder blades, but the hands were very small, little more than nubs that would have barely stuck out from the body.

He leaves a comment on the mammoth’s selfie, Gorgeous! Wow, what a fabulous body you have. Nice photoshop!

Thank you so much, handsome. I love your small and upturned nose, your full sexy lips, six-pack abs and those muscly long hands. Wow, who looks so alluring here. You’ve photoshopped so well, too!

I am so totally blushing with your compliments, girlfriend, said the carnosaurus, he’s very shy indeed.

Awww… me too. Oh, I have butterflies in my stomach, said the mammoth, Yes, I ate butterflies for lunch.

I have worms in my stomach, said the carnosaurus.

Then the carnosaurus sent a big hug emoji to the mammoth which replied with a big kiss emoji.

A cave lion who just happened to read those, couldn’t resist to leave a comment, Omg! This is so, so super awesome. How romantic, I am so totally happy for you both, a super cool couple. Oh… I think I’m starting to cry now… Come on, I’ll give you both big hugs.

The carnosaurus, mammoth and cave lion clicked group hugs emoji (not group sex, but maybe later on, who knows) many times. Group hugs for anyone who reads this, too.

There is a video call application which allows you to communicate face to face but not real face-to-face communication with which we can see the whole shebang unfettered by the size of a smartphone screen. This app is like you’re enjoying a view from a small window. Meanwhile, real face-to-face communication is like seeing the view at a location, an uninterrupted view.

This app is fun and so futuristic, you can talk to someone and see him from the other side of the world, live from your smartphone. To put it simply, talking to someone by using this app is like you’re talking to an inmate in a maximum-security prison. You can touch him, you can see him but through a glass window, you and he still have to use a phone to communicate.

Thanks to Shigetaka Kurita, who invented emojis in 1999. Thanks a lot too to emoticons which were invented by Dr Scott Fahlman, that humble smiley face in 1982. Talking about expressions, it’s been well known for centuries that the obesity and the anorexia of our wallet also has a strong power to control our mood and expression. By looking at your wallet days before your payday, your mood changes drastically. After a pay cheque, your mood improves significantly, you see smiley faces, flirting eyes and big kiss emojis on your wallet and also on your bank account balance statement from the ATM. When you only have $5 left in your bank account, you can see a crying face and a poke-me-in-the-eye emoji on your bank statement.

One common thing they all have, regardless of what you feel these days, you all share one position: staring at your social media, scrolling down all the posts. How you feel today or yesterday or in the stone age (should you still be alive then), it will be revealed on your social media. You gain weight or lose weight, you’re on a diet or cakes diet or diamonds diet, happy, sad, angry, joyful, in love, rich, poor, tragedy, triumph, holiday, good luck, bad luck, the good, the bad and the ugly, it’s all there.

You may say you could be a psychopath, sociopath, a porn star, a corn star, a devil, an angel, a hero, a liar, a communist, a conservative, a leftie, a righty, all good and evil in the world but one thing you all have in common: you filtered your photo… To look smooth, younger, flawless, with no wrinkles and no acne. Have we come across a selfie that has not been filtered and blurred? We all know the differences between the latest TV with ultra 8K, and black and white TVs. The more advanced the TV is, the more it has clarity and definition. If you go to see the latest TV, you can see how magnificent the clarity is and how sharp the pictures are, as if the water you see on TV is in front of you.

Have you seen selfies with ultra 8K definition on social media? You can see the skin pores of hers, eyebrows, the wrinkles very clearly, just like you see on the latest TV. No, they have filtered and photoshopped their photos. Sometimes way too much, we can see the eyes and the mouth but we can’t see the nose and the eyebrows, they disappeared due to too much filter. The only selfies that never use filter is the selfies from Discovery Channel and all science programs.

Anywhere you go, it is a common view to see people just staring at their smartphones as if we were born with smartphones stuck in our hand. If aliens have been watching us from the space, they would’ve thought, This is strange, people on Planet Earth are committed to this thing called a smartphone. They are inseparable, we see them flirt with their smartphone, laugh, cry, sing, dance, talk and even they masturbate with this! They act like a husband and wife. Look at that man down there! He just grabbed his hand lotion and is doing it again! How could they become intelligent and conquer the universe if all they do is a duck selfie or that egg holder mouth selfie! We change the shape of the future with our brains and meanwhile these people keep filtering their selfie! This is why we don’t live on Planet Earth, the trailer trash, selfies, duck face selfies, egg holder mouth selfies, photoshopped maniac, Botox, pillows and panties fights on social media over politics. Come on, let’s get out of here!

Maybe if our smartphone could talk, it would’ve said this to us, Geez… do I have to look at your face every day? Before you doze off, you look at me. You get up in the middle of your sleep, you look at me again. When you just wake up, you look at me, again. You brush your teeth, you look at me. You’re sitting on your toilet, you look at me. You’re in good health and bad health, you still look at me. What did I do to deserve this? I have to look at your face again and again. Wow, what a joy… Not! If I could punch you, I would.

If a smartphone were your lady, that smartphone would give you the silent treatment because it would be angry at you, too much time on your social media. Or it would turn itself off or be on mute all day. You asked what’s wrong, it says, Nothing! When it is really angry at you, you can’t turn the volume up or down. All volume is at the same level, mute. Then you can’t turn the volume down at all as if it were always at the maximum volume of sound as if it was screaming all the time in your ears.

A smartphone doesn’t talk back. It is only a gadget. But you will suffer a minor heart attack it you forgot your smartphone, meanwhile you forget you have left your wife several times at the supermarket but you were not really panicking as if you lost your smart phone.

If a smartphone were alive, if it had two nostrils, one mouth and two hands, these would be what your smartphone would do for you:

You would’ve been slapped by your smartphone because you wrote some bad words on your social media after your smartphone said, You bastard!

You would’ve been told off by your smartphone because you lied on social media or used it for revenge and anger, it would scream at you, Asshole!

Your smartphone would’ve been sneezing at you because you posted bullshit stuff, smartphones have a bullshit allergy, you know.

You would’ve been electrocuted by your own smartphone because you’d been spreading propaganda and being manipulative to play off against each other.

How many times had your smartphone been vomiting because you were a narcissist, desperate for attention and compliments?

How many times had you been tasered by your own smartphone because you were being a bully and coward?

Your battery was always full and recharged no matter the duration for which you used it because you were a good person who shared your kindness, joy and love for others.

As mentioned above, a smartphone doesn’t talk back. In saying that, the latest smartphones come with this technology which allows you to say anything you want and it will answer all the questions. Due to legal reasons and copyright, I can’t use their real names, let’s say the voices were those of Mao Ug Lee or Xi Lai Lai. These voices of Mao Ug Lee and Xi Lai Lai are included in your smartphone. They speak with Chinese accents.

Good morning, Mao Ug Lee, what is the weather today?

Today is 22 degrees Celsius, as warm as dim sim, replies Mao Ug Lee.

Good afternoon, Xi Lai Lai, where is the closest restaurant?

Good afternoon, Yum Cha Cha, the closest one is exactly behind you, says Xi Lai Lai, Behind your behind.

Thank you.

By the way, your zipper is undone. Please, the flies are sneezing a lot here.

Sorry, you apologise.

Hi there, Mao Ug Lee, where is the closest hot chick with big tits here?

Confucius says, you go to hell, you asshole! You’re a married man!

Why do they always know everything? Secretly they are not robots, they could be a spy who is employed by your mother who knows everything about you. Test the water, ask Mao Ug Lee or Xi Lai Lai this question:

Good day, Mao Ug Lee and Xi Lai Lai, what do you think of my exes?

A colonoscopy, if pain persists please see your doctor.

Ha! That is your mother, not a robot. Because mother think she knows what’s best for us or not. Test them again by asking these questions:

How do I look today?

You look super fabulous, if I see you from space.

Aww… so feisty! Now tell me, how do I look today?

Your car is a chick magnet, but your body is a fridge magnet.

Excuse me?

You look as gorgeous as a doll. A voodoo doll! If you keep asking me how you look today blah blah blah… I suggest you go and do yourself!

Now you know they are your exes as the voices of Mao Ug Lee and Xi Lai Lai.

Ask this question:

Mao Ug Lee and Xi Lai Lai, have you seen my wallet?

Yes, but you have to pay me $10 and I’ll tell you where it is.

Excuse me?

Just give me your money, or else, I’ll give you my money.

In that case, it is not your exes nor your mother as the voice of your Mao Ug Lee and Xi Lai Lai, but it is when your smartphone become a smart ass.

One day without social media for you, how will you cope? Will you be panicking and feeling empty? Or does it not really matter to you? If you don’t feel your day is a normal day without checking your social media, it means you are addicted to social media. You also missed the much bigger picture, to treasure your real life, you missed how it feels to enjoy the blessings, joys and happiness in real life. Social media addicts are detached from the facts and real life, physically you’re here in the real world but spiritually you’re in the Wi-Fi world. Yes, actually being on social media is like being an exorcist. It is not Satan who possesses you but the ghost of a chicken from the past, because you are clucking all the time as your eyes are hypnotised by social media. Then you produce an egg, well, it ain’t an Easter egg.

Do you still remember the last time you felt so grateful for your real life? You don’t have to say it and prove it on your social media that you feel blessed and grateful, being grateful and so blessed is the appreciation proven by the way you see the world and the way you conduct yourself, it comes from your heart, not from likes and shares on your social media. Social media addicts will tell you when they feel so grateful and so blessed on their social media, they are more attached to their cyber world but far, far away from real life.

Obviously, there is a rhino sitting on your lap, yet you don’t feel it and see it, but when you see one disagree with your social media, just one disagreement, it is a red flag to you! This is a nuclear war to you. You pay more attention to online news also, you believe that online news is more reliable than real news in real life. Why? Because to you, that news that happened in real life isn’t as attractive as social media news, where we can share what we think and engage with others at the same time about the same topic. The more enthusiastic you are to give responses in the cyber world, the slower you are to respond to your real life.

One of the reasons, again, why you are more alive and responsive in the cyber world is because you don’t have to show your real face, real name and real address. Thus, this means you can say anything without being afraid of the consequences. Contrary to real life where you have to be polite and careful when saying things, or else you’re going to be slapped by a girl every two seconds.

The words Hello, how are you? are now replaced by ‘follow’, ‘subscribe’, ‘friend request’. You go to a fish and chips shop, then you spot this beautiful girl, you pay the bill and say to that girl, Don’t forget to subscribe me, give a thumbs up, follow and share. Then you walk off. You go to a massage parlour, and before you finish the massage, the girls say to you, Don’t forget to subscribe, like and leave a comment down below, Well, we know for sure you have been subscribed to her massage parlour and leave a comment bellow for an extra you know what.

If social media already existed during WW2, should Stalin have had social media, Stalin would have just posted on his social media, You have to approve my friend request or I’ll shoot you!

One of his soldiers posted, I am so, so totally craving chocolate right now.

Stalin posted in between the battles, Mussolini, you look so super cool in those pants.

Hitler left a comment on Mussolini’s post. Mussolini replied, Thank you, by the way, does this gun make my hips look fat?

Do you want to see a soap opera live from your computer? Pick a photo of four or five girls, and leave a comment, The good, the bad and the ugly, without telling them which one is which. Grab some soda and a bowl of popcorn, you’ll watch the drama unfold live from your computer.

Remember those days when you got addicted to a TV soapie? You’d been waiting all day just to watch your fave soapie, here comes the scene where all the family and close friends got together. Then came the pregnant girl, they all were staring at her waiting for her answer. She was looking down, feeling guilty and said, Actually… the father of my child is… She paused, the whole room went quiet and anxious, especially all men who were looking at each other with suspicion. The grandma stood up angrily, Tell me! Tell me! Who is the father? The pregnant girl was crying then looking at her grandma, and said, The real father is… the real father is… Then to be continued, finish. You all were screaming too, No…! That is exactly like social media dramas, streaming live daily on your computer screen. You love watching live sports, don’t you? It’s better than a repeat of sports.

Politics and Biases

Because of me, too, so many politicians have won the election and many politicians were defeated. I have played a vital role in politics, and your life. Yes, I have caused chaos and controversy in politics, but people turn to me when they want to have their say about politics or non-politics. Without me, politics is not alive. I allow you to communicate and question the candidates without the middleman. I am used as a political campaign, even worse I am used to spread propaganda, false news and hoaxes to eliminate the rivals.

How do social media users see the news and justice? They go to social media. How do they solve the problem? They go to social media. Why social media? Because it is how they want to convince people who’s right and wrong. This is why social media plays a major role in a cyber trial. Is it fair? If they are patient, honest, without bias, no pros, no cons, it

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