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Pride and Prejudice and Vampires

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires

Автор PJ Jones

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Pride and Prejudice and Vampires

Автор PJ Jones

141 страница
1 час
9 мая 2016 г.


PJ Jones doesn’t just take fiction and make it funny. First she bludgeons it, butchers it, pulverizes it, and then regurgitates the indigestible parts onto the page. So if you are bold enough to click on that purchase button, just be warned; if your laugh-o-meter is set to prude, not crude, and you have high literary standards, or ANY standards at all, you will be sadly disappointed, plus you may vomit a little in your mouth. 

If you are ready to take a jaunt through low-brow inane prose, join Elizabeth Bennet and her vampire family as they disgrace a once-esteemed novel while feasting on toad-faced suitors, servants and orphans. Mmmmm. 

Thank goodness for Mr. Darcy, who tries to steer Elizabeth back on script, and preserve whatever dignity is left of Jane Austen’s good name, while at the same time, salivating over Elizabeth Bennet’s huge breasts. 

Included in this shameless satire is more rip-snortin’ good fun, a collection of eight short paranormal parodies: The Guide to Immortal Sex; The PMS Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie Handbook; Melvin the Vacuum Salesman Zombie; and a few other nameless, tasteless short stories. 

What are you waiting for? Either buy the book or get out now before you suffer permanent brain damage. 

*** Praise for Pride and Prejudice and Vampires *** 

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack PJ Jones upside the head. 

From PJ Jones’s neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book. 

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains. 

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read. 

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

9 мая 2016 г.

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Pride and Prejudice and Vampires - PJ Jones

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires

Warning, if you are easily offended, this is not the book for you. If you are a die-hard Jane Austen purist, you may very well burn out your eye-sockets after reading this. If however, you enjoy a crude, rude and HI-larious parody, then I promise this book may very well make you wet your pants, or at the very least, spew soda through your nose. You’ve been warned. PJ

*** Praise for Pride and Prejudice and Vampires ***

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack Pj Jones upside the head.

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

Chapter One

It is a truth universally acknowledged among vampires, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must also be in want of a blood-sucking, pillager of human life for a wife.

Girls, girls, I’ve got exciting news!

Elizabeth set down her prefabricated embroidery as her mother, Mrs. Bennet, burst through the parlor door. Her mother panted and heaved before unwrapping a long, dark scarf from her face, and then tossed a wide-brimmed black bonnet and a heavy coat to the floor.

Netherfield Park is let as last! A young gentleman from the city has moved to the neighborhood, Mrs. Bennet said with a squeal before resuming her panting and heaving as her flabby backside jiggled with the movement.  

Just the mention of fresh meat and Elizabeth’s stomach rumbled. Does he smell good? she rasped while licking her lips.   

Elizabeth’s youngest sister Lydia threw her own embroidery to the floor and jumped to her feet. Does he look tasty?  

Yes, but the best part is that Mr. Bingley is single and rich. Mrs. Bennet clasped her hands together as her red eyes glowed with unnatural exuberance.  And I’m sure he’s got single and rich friends, too.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes before wagging a finger at her mother. You’re not trying to hook us up again, mama? You know gentlemen prefer their wives to be a bit more... Elizabeth chewed on her lower lip while she thought of the right word, innocent.

Yeah, Lydia laughed, her plump breasts rising and falling with each chuckle. What do you think this Mr. Bingley will say if his new bride unsheathes pointy incisors on their honeymoon?

Mama. Elizabeth’s older sister Jane batted long, pale lashes. You saw what happened to our sisters Mary and Kitty when those redcoats found out they were vampires.

Mrs. Bennet’s rounded shoulders fell as she dabbed the corners of her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. Yes, such a shame that those soldiers drove stakes through my dear daughters’ hearts — but no matter. She shrugged before pushing an errant strand of peppered hair behind her ear. They were the token ugly sisters, anyway. The three of you must find husbands. Your father hasn’t produced an heir. One day if your cousin Mr. Collins ever learns of your father’s untimely demise, he will inherit and you’ll be destitute.

Lydia crossed her arms and snarled. I won’t be destitute after I rip out Mr. Collin’s jugular.

Lydia! Mrs. Bennet smacked her own forehead in an attempt to display that she was frustrated. How many times must I tell you that we do not rip out the jugulars of the gentry? Honestly, why can’t you be more like your sister, Jane?

Mrs. Bennet waved a hand at Jane, who exuded the innocence of an angel with wide reddish-blue eyes and pale features. Jane was the complete opposite of her sisters in every way, not just because they had reddish-dark eyes and black hair, but whereas Jane was meek and mild, Elizabeth and Lydia were loud-mouth, obstinate shrews. Jane sat demurely at the edge of the settee while crocheting another blanket for the orphanage.  

Such a shame, Elizabeth thought, that she and Lydia had already picked off half of the orphans. Well, at least Jane’s blankets would keep them warm and ripe. She hated the taste of cold blood.  

Lydia scowled at her eldest sister. Because, Mama, Jane is a brown-nosing, liberal, pussy, hippy.

Ahhh, yes, Mrs. Bennet sighed. I forgot.

Jane’s pale brow drew into a deep frown while her rosy lips turned a pout. I’m a vegetarian vampire. Why can’t you get it right?

Jane, dear, Elizabeth heaved a sigh, I don’t even think vegetarianism exists in the Regency period.

Jane straightened her shoulders and turned up her chin. Laugh all you want, but one day all vampires will be just like me and only feast off the blood of ugly animals.

Elizabeth dismissed her sister with a flick of the wrist. Three legged dogs and goats don’t taste as good as humans, Jane. Vegetarian vampirism sounds almost as stupid as sparkling.

Girls, Mrs. Bennet interjected. I’ll have no fighting. You know what it does to my nerves. Besides, we must prepare for Mr. Bingley’s party.

A party! Really? Elizabeth chuckled. Is that what mortals call buffets nowadays?

Mrs. Bennet stomped over to Elizabeth and frowned down at her. Now, Elizabeth, we are not going to the party to feast. Mrs. Bennet flashed a warning smile, revealing several long, spiky teeth. We are going there to secure rich husbands.

Elizabeth threw up her hands and jerked to her feet before stomping across the room. She leaned against the windowpane, admiring the withered rose garden from behind the safety of the heavily tinted glass.

I don’t need a husband, Elizabeth groaned.

If her sisters wanted to go to the party, so be it. Elizabeth only wished her mother didn’t have such high expectations for her. It was bad enough she was already the decrepit old age of one-and-twenty, lacked a sizeable dowry and wasn’t as pretty as Jane or as slutty as Lydia.  But add vampire to the mix and most eligible bachelors ran screaming. Well, at least those few who got away.

Now I expect you all to be on your best behavior, her mother called at her backside.  

Wouldn’t it just be easier just to buy us vibrators? Elizabeth asked.

Elizabeth! Her mother’s pale hands flew to her face and she stumbled backward, nearly falling into poor Jane’s lap.

Jane, being the good ass-kissing daughter, jumped up and helped her mother ease onto the settee.

Elizabeth cocked a hand on her hip and narrowed her gaze. I mean, do you seriously expect five...er three hungry, horny Regency vamp chicks to behave at a party?

Mrs. Bennet fixed each of them with a stern look. I expect you all to act like the proper young ladies you were before your father brought home that vampire virus he caught from one of his two-pence whores! I’m so glad I drove a stake through the bastard’s cold heart! Her hand flew to her chest and she fell back against the pillow cushions. Oh, I feel a fit coming on. My poor nerves.

Oh, not again. Elizabeth rolled her eyes.   

Jane leaned over her mother and pressed her fingers against the side of her neck. No pulse! Quick, get the smelling salts! she called to her sisters.  

No, no, not the salts. Mrs. Bennet waved Jane away. Maybe just a few pints of blood. She turned toward Lydia. Daughter dear, fetch a succulent child from the orphanage.

Elizabeth’s tummy rumbled at the thought of fresh young blood. Bring me back one, too. I’m famished.

Lydia turned to Jane with a mocking glare. Anyone else before I go?

Jane clenched her hands at her sides and delicately stomped a foot. Killing humans is cruel. I already told you I only feast off animals. Then Jane grimaced as she scratched her scalp with violent ferocity.

Which explains why you have parvo and mange, Elizabeth snickered.  

Mrs. Bennet’s eyes darkened as she glared at Jane. You’re never going to secure a rich husband if you don’t get proper nourishment. She pulled herself upright and nodded toward Lydia. Fetch her a child, too.

Chapter Two

Lydia scowled as she spotted Charlotte Lucas hurrying her way. The last thing she needed was that nosey busy-body interfering with her lunch. Damn her for opting to take the road to the village instead of using the cloak of the dense forest. The orphanage was in sight. The children were blissfully playing outside, and there was nary a nursemaid watching over them.

In just a few lifeless heartbeats, Lydia could snap a few little necks and have the mites safely tucked under her arms. Then, she could trot back home through the forest.

She pasted on a smile as Charlotte approached. She thought about slicing open Charlotte’s jugular, but Mrs. Bennet told her eating the gentry was strictly off-limits. Besides, despite Charlotte’s heavy perfume, it was not enough to mask her malodorous breath, which reminded Lydia of her grandmother’s used douchebag collection. Lydia could only imagine that Charlotte’s blood tasted just as foul.

Charlotte’s mouth turned down as her assessing gaze roamed Lydia’s body. Lydia knew the neighbors frowned upon her family’s choice of sun blocking, heavy black attire. But what choice did she have? As a vampire, Lydia’s skin would burn if exposed to the harsh rays of the sun. Or even worse, Lydia had heard the rumor

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