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    Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever
    Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever
    Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever
    Ebook307 pages2 hours

    Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever

    By Editors of Portable Press

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Put a twinkle in your father’s eye with the book that will make his humor more groan-tastic than ever—much to his delight.
     
    Help Dad expand his joke repertoire with more than 300 eye-rollers, cringers, groaners, side-splitters, knee-slappers, and gut-busters guaranteed to make you laugh (or sigh). From the folks who brought you the original Dad Jokes, this collection of all-new material contains Q&A jokes, puns, one-liners, tweets, and knock-knock jokes suitable for all ages, including . . .
    • Q: What do you call a potato at a hockey game? A: A spec-tater.
    • Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
    • I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
    Great Moments in Dad History: October 28, 1960. Dave Gordon grabs his keys on the way out of the house and becomes the first dad in history to say to his kids, “You ready to rock and roll?”
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherOpen Road Integrated Media
    Release dateMay 5, 2020
    ISBN9781645171874
    Dad Jokes Too: Punnier Than Ever
    Author

    Editors of Portable Press

    Portable Press is a tight-knit group of writers, researchers, and editors who are responsible for some of the publishing industry’s most popular non-fiction trivia and facts books. Aside from creating the fan-favorite Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader series (more than 16 million books in print since 1988), the Portable Press team also specializes in regional and kids’ titles, plus gift books, activity books, and whatever else strikes their fancy.

    Read more from Editors Of Portable Press

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      Book preview

      Dad Jokes Too - Editors of Portable Press

      THE DAILY GRIND

      Work, School, and Other Necessary Evils

      Q: What does a new dad who hates 9-to-5 jobs do?

      A: He goes out and gets a 9-to-5 job is what.

      I tried to write a novel, but it didn’t work out. I guess I didn’t have the write stuff.

      _______________

      A set of jumper cables goes into a bar. Can I get a drink? the cables ask.

      Okay, the bartender replies. But don’t start anything.

      _______________

      Q: What’s the definition of meeting?

      A: A wasted hour full of useless info that could’ve been covered in an e-mail.

      _______________

      Q: Why do dog trainers have long-lasting marriages?

      A: Because they know how to get someone to stay .

      _______________

      I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.

      —George W. Bush

      _______________

      A man walks into a clothing shop and says, Hi, I’d like to try on that slick suit in the store window.

      Sure, the clerk replies, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable using a dressing room?

      _______________

      Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness?

      Applicant: Probably differentiating between reality and fantasy. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s really possible and what’s just a pipe dream.

      Interviewer: Okay. What are your strengths?

      Applicant: I was born on the planet Krypton, which gives me super-strength and the ability to fly.

      _______________

      Q: When do sailors stop playing cards?

      A: When their captain is on deck.

      _______________

      What dads say: Sorry, can’t talk—I’ve got to leave for an early meeting.

      What dads mean: I don’t want to have this awkward conversation right now.

      _______________

      Q: Why can’t you lie to X-ray technicians?

      A: Because they can see right through you.

      One day, a teacher sent the class troublemaker to the principal’s office. Do you know why you’re here? asked the principal.

      Hesitating, the kid asked, Because of this morning?

      Yes, the principal said sternly. Your teacher says you ran in the hall, hit two students, started a food fight in the cafeteria, and cursed at one of your classmates.

      Boy, that’s a relief, the student said with a sigh. I thought you found out I broke your car windshield.

      _______________

      Q: How do farmers keep track of their livestock?

      A: With a cowculator.

      When the boss is out on vacation

      A man walked into a bar and ordered a fruit punch. The bartender said, If you want a fruit punch, you’ll have to stand in line. The man looked around, but there was no punchline.

      _______________

      Knock-knock!

      Who’s there?

      Cain.

      Cain who?

      Cain you have management decide what they want before you have me run in circles redoing work multiple times only to decide it was fine the way it was and you don’t need my services after all?

      _______________

      An artist friend of mine asked me how I liked his self-portrait. I told him that it was good, except the eyebrows were too low and too close together.

      He seemed angry!

      _______________

      Did you hear about the butcher who got behind in his work?

      Poor guy slipped, fell, and got his rear end stuck in the meat grinder.

      _______________

      Boss: Where do you see yourself in five years?

      Employee: I’m just trying to make it to Friday, man.

      _______________

      Q: How do you keep your newspaper from flying away in the wind?

      A: Use a news anchor.

      _______________

      A man was lying in the street, unconscious and bleeding. A psychologist who happened to be passing by rushed up to him and exclaimed, My God! Whoever did this really needs help!

      _______________

      _______________

      Q: What’s a good name for a mountain climber?

      A: Cliff.

      _______________

      Knock-knock!

      Who’s there?

      Kent.

      Kent who?

      Kent you tell who this is?

      _______________

      Son: Dad, what do you do for a living?

      Dad: Son, I’m not entirely sure.

      _______________

      Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

      They each got six months.

      _______________

      Imagine how much worse meetings were back before you could pretend to take notes on your phone while you were really just messing around on Twitter.

      Q: Why did the urologist lose his license?

      A: He got in trouble with his peers.

      _______________

      Did you hear about the cowboy with dietary restrictions?

      He was rootin’ tootin’ free of gluten.

      _______________

      Q: Why did the detective stay in bed all day?

      A: He was working undercover.

      _______________

      A police officer caught two kids playing with a car battery and a firework.

      He charged one and let the other one go.

      _______________

      Guy: What does your wife do for a living?

      Friend: Well, it’s difficult to say.

      Guy: What do you mean?

      Friend: Shelly sells seashells. By the seashore.

      _______________

      Two guys are working on an assembly line. The first guy says, I bet I can make the boss give me the day off.

      The other man says, I want the day off, too! But how?

      Just watch. The first guy climbs on top of the machines and all the way up to the rafters. There, he swings his legs around and hangs upside down. Then he calls down to the boss, Look at me!

      The boss exclaims, What are you doing up there?

      The guy responds, I’m a light bulb.

      Shaking his head, the boss says, Have you been working too hard? I think you’re going crazy! Take the day off. As the employee climbs down, his cohort on the assembly line heads for the exit, too. "Why are you leaving?" the boss asks the second guy.

      Well, the man replies, how am I supposed to work without lights?

      _______________

      Q: How is apathy different from indifference?

      A: Eh, who cares?

      _______________

      SOME OF DAD’S FAVORITE TOM SWIFTIES

      I used to own that gold mine,

      Tom ex-claimed.

      Measure twice before you cut,

      Tom remarked.

      Blow on the fire so it doesn’t go out,

      Tom bellowed.

      Thanks for shredding the cheese,

      said Tom gratefully.

      _______________

      Q: Why does the Norwegian navy place bar codes on all of its ships?

      A: So it can scan the navy in.

      _______________

      Knock-knock!

      Who’s there?

      Adair.

      Adair who?

      Adair once, but now I’m bald.

      _______________

      Child: Dad, what does the word contemplate mean?

      Father: Think about it.

      Child: Can’t you just tell me?!

      _______________

      My boss told me I’ve been late three times this week. So I guess that means today is Wednesday.

      Monday: Greg

      Tuesday: Ian

      Wednesday: Greg

      Thursday: Ian

      Friday: Greg

      It’s the Gregorian calendar.

      The Mission: Impossible movies are a lot like my life. I’m just as stealthy as Tom Cruise’s character when I try to leave my office at 5 p.m. without anyone seeing me and asking me a question.

      _______________

      Did you hear about the illegally parked frog?

      He got toad.

      _______________

      Customer: How much for a haircut?

      Barber: Twenty dollars.

      Customer: How about a shave?

      Barber: Ten dollars.

      Customer: Great. Shave my head.

      _______________

      My dog is a magician. He’s a labracadabrador.

      _______________

      Knock-knock!

      Who’s there?

      Wayne.

      Wayne who?

      The Wayne is really coming down out here!

      _______________

      One day during a rainstorm, a boss told an intern to water the plants outside the office. But it’s raining, the intern protested. The boss retorted, Then take an umbrella!

      Q: Why did the tech company hire a frog?

      A: He was an excellent debugger.

      _______________

      Life insurance agent to a would-be client: Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, give me a call and let me know.

      _______________

      Patient: I think I’m a moth.

      Dentist: You should see a psychiatrist, not a dentist.

      Patient: I’m already seeing a psychiatrist.

      Dentist: Then why are you here?

      Patient: Your light was on.

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