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EDWARD PADUTA

presents

BYE BYE BIRDIE


A Musical Com.dy
Bookby

MICHAEL STEWART
Musicby

CHARLES STROUSE
Lyrics by

LEE ADAMS

Music

& Lyrics- dt"r?fi &it8i *[:tffit":::XXt

Lee Adams

Property of Tams-Witmark Music Library, Inc. 560 Lexington Avenue New York, NY I0A22 (2t2) 688-2s2s

Cast of Characters
ATBERT PETERSON
ROSE ALVAREZ
HELEN

Young man

President of Almaelou Music Corp.

in early thirties,

Albert' s secretary, principal dancer


and singer

TEEN

CHORUS

URSULA MERKLE

KIM

MACAFEE

MRS. DORIS

MACAFEE

MR.

FIARRY MACAFEE

MRS. MAE PETERSON


CONRAD BIRDIE

singer, nonspeaking Original cast had 0 girls and 7 boys A hyper-enthusiastic dark haired teen f riend and neighbor of Kim's 15 years oId, she is very pretty and quiie self-possessed Mother of Kim and Randolph Father of Kim and Randolph Albert' s mother, the quintessential
Teenage
1-

trMammatr

Rock Star

HUGO PEABODY

Kim's Itsteadytt
Member
f n N.

ONE GIRL
POLTCEMAN

of TEEN GIRLS chorlls. Speaks Act T, Scene 4 Y. train statiorf..


4

Speaks Act f, Scene

REPORTERS

N.Y. & Ohio train stations. First Reporter, Third Reporter speak. Second Reporter is a nonspeaking cameraman Of Sweet Apple, Ohio
Edna. Member

MAYOR

MAYOR'S WIFE

of quartette,

Act !, Scene

MRS. MERKLE
RANDOLPH MACAFEE
NA}ICY

Ursu1a's mother Kim's younger brother


Teen chorus. Speaks Act L, Scene
5

GLORIA RASPUTIN

A big broad, tap daneing f'secretary,', Mae's choice to replace Rosie


Of

ED SULLIVAIV'S VOICE
TRAVELER

fstage

Part of crowd in N. Y. train station. Speaks Act I, Scene 4 only'

MUSICAL

NU}4BERS ONE

ACT
1 1 2

AN ENGI,ISH TEACHER TAG (NOSIE) "THE TELEPHONE HOUR" (renlt CHORUS) THE TELEPHONE HOUR PLAYOFF (OrChCStra) ''HOW LOVELY TO BE A WQIVIXIqII (KIM) PENN STATION TRANSTTION (Orchestra w/TEEN CHORUS) ''PUT ON A HAPPY FACE" (ar,eERT) o "A HEALTHY, NORMAL, AMERICAII BOY" (aLeERT, ROSTE, TEEN & ADULT CHORUS) 10. PENN STATION TO SWEET APPLE (TEBN & ADULT CHORUS) 1]-. SWEET APPLE BA}ilD (IUEN CHORUS) 7-2. "ONE BOY" (XrM, TWO GrRLS & ROSrE) 13. SWEET APPLE STATION (Orchestra underscoring) L4. 'IHONESTLY SINCERE'I (CONRAD & CHORUS) 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

. OVERTURE nA'r (Orchestra w/TEEN GIRLS) A. Alternate OVERTURE ,Brr (Orchestra w/ OPENING CURTAIN (Orchestra) II$[ ENGLISH TEACHER'' (NOSIE) 3

CONRAD

& TEEN GIRLS)

15. 15.
L7 . 18 .

WOUNDED (URSULA, DEBORAH SUE & MARGIE) ''HYMN FOR A SUNDAY EVENING'' ED SULLIVAI\T (TUU

&

MacAFEES

CHORUS)

HUNDRED

19.

T. V. THEME (FAMARE) (Orchestra) ''ONE LAST KISSI' (COTTIRAD, MALE QUARTET, ALBERT, TEEN CHORUS, PRINCIPALS & ADULT CHORUS)

WAYS BALLET (OrcheSTrA)

ACT II

. 2 0A. 2L. 22. 23. 24. 25 . 25 . 27 . 28. 29 . 30. 31. 32 .


20

ENTR'ACTE rtArr (Orchestra) Alternat.e ENTR', ACTE il B il (Orchest ra w / TEEN GIRLS ) "14fi[f DrD r EVER SEE rN HrM" (ROSTE & KrM) SEE IN HIM UNDERSCORE (OTChCSITA) SEE IN HIM REPRISE (NOSIE) IIA LOT OF LIVIN' TO DOII (CONRAD, KIM & TEEN CHORUS)
il

33. 34. 35. g (nOS IE ) 35. 't PffrJI SH ROSE " (orchest,ra) i7. MORNTNG 38. HAND CAR (TNEN CHORUS GIRLS) (AT,EERT & ROS IE 39. 'I ROS IE '' (Orchestra) 40. FfNALE 4]-. BOWS AIUD EXIT MUS IC (Orchest,ra
)

. & MRS . MaCAFEE ) KIDS Scene Change (Orchest,ra ) |'BABY, TALK TO ME'' (er,eERT & MALE QUARTET) TRANSITION TO SHRINER'S (Orchestra) BALLET (Orchest,rA) SHRTNER, S SHRINER'S PLAYOFF (Orchestra) GLORY HALLELUJAI{ (OrCheSIrA) KIDS REPRISE (AOULT CHORUS, MR. & MRS. MacAFEE & & RANDOLPH) LAMONT CRANSTON TO ICdHOUSE (Scene Change Orchestra) ICE HOUSE LIVIN' (TEEN CHORUS) AIV ENGLI SH TEACHER REPRI SE ( ROS I E )
KrDS
(mn

r'

SCENES

ACT I

Scene 1 :
Scene 2: Scene
3

Office of Almaelou Music, New York


Sweet Apple, Ohio
MacAf

ee Home, Sweet, Apple

Scene 4:

Pennsylvania Station, New York

Scene 5: Scene 6 : Scene 8 : Scene 9 :

Railroad St,ation, Sweet Apple


Courthouse Steps, Sweet. Apple Stage and Backstage Office, CettLra1 Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple St,age, Cntral Movie Theatre, Sweet Apple

Scene 7 z MacAf ee Home, Sweet Apple

ACT II

Scene 1: Scene 2:
Scene 3 : Scene 4:

MacAfee Home, Sweet Apple

Street Outside MacAfee Home


MacAfee's Back Door
Maude' Maude'

s Roadside Retreat

Scene 5: Scene 6: Scene 7:

Private Dining Room, s Roadside Retreat

Back Door, Maude's Roadside Ret,reat,

The Ice House

Scene B: Railroad Stat,ion, Sweet Apple

TIME Present,

ACT

ONE

b/

ovERTURE "A"

Film strip and TEEN GIRLS. As the OVERTURE begins, we see fronL drop with shot of CONRAD on it. As music starts to build, w cut to various rapid shots of details of CONRAD's face and body, interspersed with shot,s of Kf DS reacting singLy, in groups, and f inally in mobs. KIDS screaming, shouting, dancirg, fainting, cLutching, tearing, jumpi*9, clima>Gd by a close shot of CONRAD himself, sideburns, wild hairdo, half-closed eyes, pouting lower lip Then BLACKOUT. and all.
TEENS

(From pit with orchestra) WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH, YES WE DO ! WE IOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE !

WE LOVE...

OH,

CONRAD,

(Orchestra and film strip continue)


WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH, YES WE DO ! WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,
AI\TD WE,

LL BE TRUE ! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ! WE LOVE YOU.

ACT

ONE

Alternate

Ovef t.ure

OVERTURE ''BI'

CONRAD

and TEEN GfRLS.

In a production where the film clip indicated in 1-0-1 is not feasible, we substitute OVERTURE B Near end of OVERTURE music suddenly cuts out . . and over t,heatre P . A. we hear highly amplified recording of Conrad Birdie as HE wails HIS way through the last, eight bars of an almost unrecognizable rock and rol I selection. AlI t,he groans, sighs, grunts, etc. , forced through an echo chamber and accompanied by a twanging electric guitar. A f ew f rant ic seconds of thi s , t,hen orchestra picks up the t,heme, a crash of music , cI imax, and BLACKOUT.
.

(From pit with orchestra) I^IE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH, YES WE DO !
WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,
AI\TD

TEENS

WE'I,L BE TRUE ! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ! OH, CONRAD,
WE LOVE...

wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH, YES WE DO !


WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE !

WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE, WELL, YA GONNA BE SINCERE.

(Uighly- ampl i f ied, over t,heatre CH, MY BABY ! OH YEA}I OH, MY BABY ! OH YEAI{ !
!

CONRAD

P . A.

syst,em)

(Orchestra aI fine)

1--1-1 ACT ONE Scene -1


THE OFFICE OF ALMAELOU MUSIC CORP. f in New YorK. AT rise, ALBERT PETERSON, a nervous young man in HIS
8

early thirt ies, i s t,alking excitedly on phone, standing C.

oPENTNG

cuRTArN (orchesrra)
ALBERT

that , sir, but think of t,he disastrous ef f ect, this might have on the morale of the American teenager ! No, I am not, suggest ing the boy doesn' t want Lo go into t he Army I I t ' s just, that,...No, I'rTr not t,rying Lo...Wefl, it seemed t,o me that. . . Two weeks f rom today? AE the Induct,ion Center? He'11 be t,here. (Hg hangs up as ROS IE bri skly ent ers ) Rosie, thank God you've come ! This is the end of the A1maelou Music Corporat.ion ! Conrad Birdie is going int,o the Army I
. . . f know

And your f aithful

secretary is hereby submitting. . (Sf apping let,ter down on HIS desk) . . . her resignation ! (Starts to Jeave)
ALBERT

ROS

IE

Hah?

I j ust dropped in t,o say goodbye, Albert , darl-ing. (Sge btows HIM a kiss) . . . Lots of luck (SHe goes to door. ALBERT stops HER)
!

ROS

IE

Rosie, you can't ! Not today of all days (Runs to HIS desk. Looks f rant, ical ly t hrougrh drawers The l itt le whi-te ones I take where are my pi 11s My pills, when I'm overwrought,
! ) .

ALBERT

Here

(Picking up bottle from desk and handing HIM one)

ROS

IE

I-L-2
9

Not, so much. Break it

in half .
ROS

ALBERT
.

You're t,hirt,y-three years ol-d, Albert. aspirin. pouring a glassful

IE

You can take a whole

(Un takes it, f rom HER. SHE goes UL t,o waLer pitcher, sLarts
)

I am not, thirt,y-three; I'm a long way from thirty-three; won't be t,hirt,y-three till tomorrow... Wat.er!
(Handing it to
ROS

ALBERT

IE

It,ts no use, Albert,. My mindts made up. Irve been with Almaelou eight years now and as you well know I've been a lot more than j ust a secret,ary to you .
Rose

HrM)

Those were

moment

s of

ALBERT mad.ness
ROS

Well bet.ween t.he moments of madness and the of f ice I've put in a good. ninet,y hour week. * ALBERT get. You want a raise. I

IE

r r -5:::'
Rosie , if yourre referring to anything of a more permanent nat,ure bet,ween you and me, I'rTr not ready for it. Besides,
ALBERT

t,here are religious

dif ferences.
ROS
!

Spanish is not, a religion

IE

And if it, ' s part of the company you're af Ler, t,he answer is no to that, too! A1maelou is me, Mdmma, and Lou....And any change in it would kill that wonderful woman who bore me.

ALBERT

Nothing coutd ki 11 your mot,her, Albert .


bull-et,
!

ROS

IE

Except maybe a s i lver

1-L-3
L0

(Hg rises and goes to HER) And I won't drop poor o1d Lou either.
ROS

ALBERT

He loved you, Rose !

I loved Lou, too, stf re he was warm, he was loyal, he was loveable, but he died six years ago and, besides, he was a wire-haired terrier. (Hn walks L) Anyhow , I don't want a part of the company. This is somet,hing
much more import,ant. . .

IE

, Lf you're going to discuss what I think you're going to discuss, I'rTr in no mood to discuss it (Sits at HfS desk)
Rosie
!

(Turns)

ALBERT

There' s nothing to discuss, Albert, .

eonrad Birdie' s going in the Army; I've quit . There's nothing you can do but give up the business and go back to college and get your....

(Goes to HIM)

ROS

IE

(Interruptirg) ...Rosie, I'm up to my ears in debt! Conrad's got a fiftythousand dollar guarantee which I can't pay! And I've just taken a severe overdose of aspirin. .
.

ATBERT

A1bert, this
b_/

may be
)

your last

ROS

IE chance!

(uusic

"AAI ENGLTSH TEAcHER''

Will you listen

to me, Albert . . . . I'm serious

ROS

IE

HTS GOING TN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COUTD DOI NOW YOU'RE FREE TO START TO DO
WHAT YOU WAI{TED TO.

ALBERT? ALBERT! AL

BERT!

I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR, IT WOULD 'JUST BE FOR A YEAR, BUT TT'S EIGHT YEARS, ALBERT
!

EIGHT LONG YEARS, ALBERT!

a-r-4
11

Rosie, it takes time to build a business!


THAT'S I'IHAT YOU SAID, YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT, S IIIHAT YOU SAID. YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE, AIID GET ATIEAD I INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC BUSINESS BUM, YOU WERE GOING TO N. Y. f'. ADID BECOME. . . (SUn runs to door. ALBERT

ALBERT

IT

WAS ONLY

A SIDELINE,

ROS

IE

under dialogue)
.

dashes af ter HER. Music cont,inues


ALBERT

Don't say it,

Rosie

(Shouts out the door) An English teacher!


Rosie
ALBERT
!

ROSTE

And furthermore, he wrote poetryl Rose, please. . .


(

ROS

IE

AI,BERT ROSIE

Closes door, backs HIM to center) And in the N.Y.IJ. yearbook for L952 under I'AIbert Peterson's favorite piece of literature, I' you know what it says?

Litt, le

(Into the
I

phone)

Women!

(Sinking into desk chair) f'm ruined in show business.


ROSTE

ALBERT

AI\T ENGLISH TEACI{ER ! AIV ENGLISH TEACHER, rF ONLY YOU'D BEEN AIV ENGLISH TEACHER !

1-1-5
WE'D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT YOU'D GET A SUIqMER VACATION,
A}TD WE WOULD KNOW WHAT

IN

L2
QUEENS,

LIFE

MEA}TS.

A MAN WHO'S GOT HIS I\4ASTERS IS REALLY SOMEONB HOW PROUD I'D BE IF
!

YOU HAD BECOME ONE !

MTSSIS ALBERT PETERSON, MI SS I S PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.
OPTIONAL CUT

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE I COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,

HELLO, WILLIAM MORRIS, GOODBYE, N. Y.IJ. HELLO, ALMAELOU, 'CAUSE


WHEN YOU WROTE CONRAD'S LAST HIT ''UGGA BUGGA BOOI' THEN I KNEW THIS WAS IT YOU WERE THRU WITH ENGLISH FOREVER.

IT

WAS GOODBYB, GEOFFREY CHAUCER,

A}T ENGLISH TEACHER IS REALLY SOMEONE, HOW PROUD f'D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE.

MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON, MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON,


THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE, ] COULD HAVE BEEN MISSIS PETERSON,

(Uusic out
(

f or

dialogue
ALBERT

Suddenly ri s ing ) . . . Rose , T' 1l make a deal with you ! St,ay with me, help me get t,he money to pay Conrad' s guarant , and as soon as I'm out, of t,he red... .I' II dissolve the company and go back to the academic life !

Albert, You're on (enO sHE goes to HER desk, picks up smal l file drawer)
!

ROS

IE

Of course it may take at the latesL, we' 1l


.

ALBERT a whi Ie , but


aa

I ' m sure that, by 1973 or ' 7 4

....What,ts that?

(SHn s lams the file

on HIS desk)

1-1-5
13
ROS IE Somet,hing that 's going to push that date up a few years.

name.

Pick

Pick what, name ?

What are you t,alking about,

ALBERT

president and recording secretary Conrad Birdie Fan CIub Number 27 48 of Sweet Apple, Ohio. (Picking up phone) Mary, would you get me Sweet Apple, Ohio. The numberrs.... (neads from card) . . . . Capitol 7 double eight two oh. And call me right back. (nising,'as ROSIE hangs up) Now wait a minute! What's going on here? Whateverhername is?
ROS

ROS IE Al I right , I' 11 do it f or you . (SHn picks card) . . . .MacAfee. Kim MacAfee. Age f ifteen,

ALBERT

Who'

Kim

Kim MacAfee, Albert, is what's going to send you back t,o college wit h the biggest hit song t,his business has ever seen ! fL's called "One Last Kiss!rt

IE

I never heard of it..

ALBERT

You havenf t. writt.en it, yeL . (f-,eads HIM to piano , seat. s HIM) . . . But when you do and when that one last kiss is from Conrad Birdie on his way into the big cold Army for two long years and when he gives that kiss to one of his fans chosen at random f rom one mi I l ion two hundred thousand hyst,erical teen- agers , it ' 11 make Mr. Birdie the hottest soldier since Joan of Arc ! (nuring speech SHE has placed a blank piece of sheet music on t,he piano)

ROS

IE

(nises) Rose, I tm beginning t,o see it ! York.


Apple ::::ad,
* Take
ROS

ALBERT

We

cut the record here in to Sweet

New

that greasy bongo-playing car-thief


ALBERT

IE

Let him kiss the kid.

L-L-7
And release the record. ! (sgs goes to HER desk, HE goes left ) you' 11 make enough money to stay in college the rest of Albert,
ROS

IE

L4

your life

(sHe

sits at

HER desk)
ALBERT

piano to ROS IE , Lt's wonderful I And I promise you, ds soon as this thing is settled, it'll be just the two of us, Rosel In perfect bliss ! f '11 get a job teaching English and. . . (rr hirs HrM) . . . Bliss ! Kiss ! That rhymes (nu sirs I wonder if anyone's ever used it before? (nnthusiastic again) . . . Oh, what difference does it make ! ft'II be great for the song! Oh one last kiss; it gives so much b1iss. . .what is your dentifrice
)

(ttg goes right, leans over

Rose

(lvtusic)
ENGLISH TEACHER

TAG (ROSIE)
ALBERT
o

No, that's

too clinical . . . (ana as HE works away furiously at the piano ROSIE looks at HIM and sof t ly begins to sing)
ROS

IE

A}U ENGLISH TEACHER, AI\I ENGI,ISH TEACHER, SOME DAY HE MAY BE AI\T ENGLISH TEACHER.

(The

PHONE

rings .

ROSIE Xes

L and answers it

Yes? WeII, every phone in Sweet App1e can't be busyr what's going on there? Kim MacAfee just, got pinned to who? Never mind, M?ry, keep trying and call me right back.
(SuE hangs up)
THEN WE WOULD HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL LTFE! THEN T MIGHT BE MISSIS PETERSON, MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON, MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PET.ERSON, THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WTFE !

(f,fGHTS FADE as units move off L and

R)

L-2-8
1-5

ACT ONE Scene _2

phone. Through number lights pick up different KIDS, each indescribably contorted into positions that de fy gravity and physiology. THEY are each seated in different cubicles of a large multi - colored j ungle g1rm. Each cubicle has a phone so that KIDS can be assumed to be talking to each other over a giant egg-box shaped complex. Their voices are young, piping, and f ul I of excitement Something big has happened in their set, and THEY can hardly wait t,o pass the neuts.
.

Immediately up on FIRST TEEN-AGER

on

ftt

rt

HELEN

HI HI

, ,

NAIICY

NAIVCY

HEIJEN

HETEN

$IHAT'S THE STORY,


MORNING GTORY?
NA\ICY

1^11.11T,

S THE TALE,

NIGHTINGALE? TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO ArVD KrM

HI

ALICE
[,[,;ARGIE
!

MARGTE

HI , ALICE ! hIIIAT'S THE STORY,


MORNING GLORY? ALTCE 14191T'S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD? HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO A}UD KTM?

r-2-9
T6

HELEN, NAIICY, ALICE & MARGIE DTD THEY REALLY GET PTNNED? DID SHE KISS HIM A}TD CRY? DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? OR WAS HE TOO SHY? WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED.
YEAFI

FREDDIE & I(AFL


YEAH.

WAS

HOPIN' THEY

HELEN, NA}ICY, ALICE & MARGIE


WOULD
!

FREDDIE & I(ARL

UH HUH.
NOW THEY'RE

LIVTN' AT LAST.

HELEN, NANCY, ALICE &


FREDDIE & I(ARL

MARGTE

HE'S

GONE.

GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD !


HELLO

HELEN, NANCY, ALICE & MARGIE

! MISTER HENKEL, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON, CA}] I SPEAK TO PENELOPE-ANN? IS IT


PENELOPE

IARVEY

TRUE ABOUT KIM?


HARVEY

Penelope

I JUST

IOIEW

IT

PENELOPE
SOMEHOW
!

About the prom. I

HARVEY

PENELOPE

MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP.


HARVEY

SaLurd ay?

r CAIV'T TALK TO YOU NOW


GOIN'
STEADY
!

PENELOPE
!

GIRLS

r-2-10
L7

YOU KNOW
GOIN

IT!
!

BOYS MAN!

GIRLS
STEADY
BOYS

IT'S
GOIN

CRAZY

MAN!

GIRLS
STEADY
!

YOU KNOW

IT!

BOYS

WON'T LAST ! NOT A PRAYER ! SHE I S TOO COOL ! HE'S TOO SQUARE !
HARVEY

IT

SUZ TE

HELLO, MTSSIS MILLER,

THIS IS HARVEY .TOHNSON,

CA\T I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE?


BOYS

HIYA, HUGO ! HIYA, STUPID ! WHAT JA WANNA


GO GET PINNED FOR?

WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!


BOYS

GIRLS

HEY, YA

MEATHEAD

WAS

HOPINI THEY WOULD!

GIRLS
BOYS

LOST YOUR W\RBLES?


NOW THEY'RE

LIVIN ' AT LAST I


BOYS

GIRLS

ARE YA NUTTY?
GOIN

GIRLS STEADY FOR. .


.

I-2-r_1_
1'.8

HARVEY

HELLO, MRS. GARFEIN

IS

CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOT YET?


SOME GIRLS PINNED?

DID THEY REALLY GET

GOIN'

OTHER GIRLS STEADY !


BOYS

SHE SAW HIM !

SOME GIRLS WAS HOPIN' THEY WOULD !

GOIN'

OTHER GIRLS STEADY !


BOYS

SHE DUG HIM !


SOME GIRLS NOW THEY'RE LIVTN'

AT LAST ! GOIN'
OTHER GIRLS STEADY !
BOYS

SHE NAILED HIM

GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD.


YOU GOTTA GO THAT'S THE WAY TO GO!
BOYS WHEN THEY GOT
HOOKED REALLY COOKED

GIRLS

IF

BOYS

YA

o-o-o-o-H o-o-o-o-H

GIRLS
!

THEN YOU'RE

WHATCHA GONNA DO! WHATCHA GONNA DO!

GIRLS & MIXED COUPLES WELL, I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED!

I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD ! NOW THEY'RE LIVTN' AT LAST


GOIN' STEADY FOR GOOD ! GOIN' STEADY, GOIN' STEADY, GOIN' STEADY,
STEADY FOR GOOD!

BOYS OH, MJ\N ! OH, MAN! OH, MAN!

ooH ! ooH ! ooH ! ooH BUH DEE DOO,

L-2-L2
19

GIRLS & MIXED

COUPLES

BOYS & MIXED


COUPLES

GOIN' GOIN' GOIN'

STEADY, STEADY, STEADY,

UH DOO WAI{, UH DOO


DOO WAI{ OOH BUH DEE DOO.

STEADY FOR GOOD!

ALL GIRLS HE'S IN LOVE WITH KIM, KTM'S IN LOVE WITH HTM !
BOYS

GOTN' STEADY,

GOIN' GOrN'

STEADY, STEADY,

GIRLS WHE-ELL WELL.

STEADY FOR GOOD!

DOO OO
TELL
!

OO

GOTN' STEADY, GOTN' STEADY,

GOIN'

WHE-ELL WELL.

STEADY,

STEADY FOR GOOD!

DOO OO
TELL
!

OC

THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ! THEY'LL BE HAPPY , T KNOW! GOIN' STEADY'S FOR ME. THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO!
GIRLS

ALTOS & BASSES

SOPRANOS YEAI{ OH, YEAI{ OH, YEAII

oH,

& TENORS

GOTN' STEADY, GOTN' STEADY.

BOYS

GOIN' GOIN' GOIN' GOIN'


BOYS
YEAII !

GOTN' STEADY,
STEADY, STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD! STEADY, STEADY !

GOIN' GOIN' GOIN'

STEADY, STEADY, STEADY !

OH

& GIRLS

BLACKOUT

TELEPHoNE HoUR

PLAYoFF (orchestra)

1-3-1-3
20

ACT

ONE
3

Scene

As l ight, s come
MERKLE,

up , we see URSULA a dark-haired, hyperenthusiastic young lady of about, fifteen, sitting in a window DL talking excitedly on the phone.

important t,han very important and the Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of Ehem ( fn event of a technical problem and MacAFEE house is not, in DS position, SHE may add: ) I mean , af ter a1I, where else can we girls gat,her toget,her to worship that wonderf ul creat,ure ? I mean , do you real i ze what you'd be giving up, Kim? (the MacAFEE HOUSE has moved DS, the scrim is up and we see KIM UR in HER upst,airs bedroom. House is a Lwo-st,ory affair, bedroom upstairs, combination famify room and kitchen downstairs. KIM is a month or two older t,han URSULA, very pretty, quite self -possessed) Into phone) I ' m so rry, Ursula , but, my mind' s made up . Of course , I' 11 still play his records, but things like the Pledge and t,he Conrad Birdie Scream are past me know.
(

. . . Kim MacAf ee, what do you mean you' re resigning f rom t.he Fan CIub I f mean j ust because Hugo Peabody gave you his pin doesn't mean you have t.o retire from aII social lif e ! Going steady is ve ry import ant but t,here are some things more

URSULA

KIM

You're giving up t,he scream? You mean when Conrad Birdie singrs, on t,elevision , You'rd noL going t.o go M! (Tragical ly) ....oh, Kim! (Downstairs, MRS . MacAFEE has crossed L and fifLed the telephone through the last of above . SHE now put, s i t down and cal l s upstairs
)

URSULA

Kim Dear, would you please get off the phone. r've got

MRS. MacAFEE

some

calls to

make.

1-3 -74
2T

A1

(fhen back into phone . . . . Sorry, Ursu1a , T 've got to hang uD . Ycu' 1I explain everyLhing t,o the ot,her kids , won ' ts- y:u ?
)

I right ,

(Cal l ing down Mot,her !

to

KIM
HER.
)

I suppose I' 11 have t,o . 'Bye , K:n. . (SUf hangs up . KIM hrangs utr) URSULA leans out windcw) . . . Kim, are you sure? I mean af ter all ! are you absolutely sure?
.

UR.SULA

I mean realIy,

Kim,

Positive. sett led down.

Iy l ive right next, door t.o each ot her ) Af ter al-I, I'rTr f if teen years old and it's
(ef so leaning .

KIM THEY eviCent

time I

(Through t,he course of f ol lowing song, KIM puts on jeans, huge sweater, socks and baseball cap)

"How LovELY To BE A woMAN"


WHEN YOU'RE

WIRED WITH BRACES FROM EAR TO EAR, YOU DOUBT THAT YOU COULD EVER BE APPEALING. THEN HALLELUJAI{ I YOU ARE FIFTEEN A}TD THE BRACES DISAPPEAR A}TD YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH AI{D CLEAR AND YOU HAVE THAT HAPPY, GROWN-UP, FEMALE FEELING
HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN! THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTH WHILE, HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA, A\TD SMILE A WOMAN'S SMILE. HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE THAT'S ROUND INSTBAD OF FLAT, WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE YOU'RE WHAT THEY'RE WHISTLING AT

A SKINNY CHILD OF FOURTEEN

KIM

IT'S WONDERFUL TO FEEL THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS, IT GTVES YOU SUCH A GLOW JUST TO KNOW YOU'RE WEARING LIPSTICK A\TD HEELS

r_-3-15
22
HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN, A\TD HAVE ONE JOB TO DO:
AI\TD THEN WHEN YOU

KfM (Continued)

TO PICK OUT A BOY A}ilD TRAIN HIM, ARE THROUGH, YOU'VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WAIVT HIM TO

LIFE'S

LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE

WOMAN

LIKE ME !

BE

HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS ! HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT FOR A DATE IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN AI\TD CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN ! AND GO TO A FAI\TCY NIGHT CLUB, AND STAY OUT AFTER TEN! HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN-UP AIVD FREE ! LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN LTKE ME.

(As song ends lights come up on downstairs portion of house and MRS. MacAFEE goes to We also notice MR. MacAFEE foot of stairs. quiet ly reading HIS paper, SR, orl stool )

Kim, there' s a call for you. The operator said she' s been trying to get through for nearly three-quarters of an hour!
..
.

MRS. MacAFEE

(Gets up. Puts on slippers behind bed so audience does not see them) Thank you Doris. f'11 take it down there.
She said it was long-distance and I can't imagine who. . . (SHe stops)
MRS. MacAFEE

KIM

...What did you say?

(es SHE start s downstairs ) I said, thank you Doris. (We see HER cLearly now and not,ice that, SHE is we aring those enormous, shaggy pink f ur scuf f s ) . . . There's no need to look so upset . It t s modern to call your mother by her first name. ft makes the mother and daught,er more like pals.
And your father?
MRS. MacAFEE

KTM

1-3-15
23

f ' 11 cal l him Ha rry, natura I Iy . (Un . MacAFEE looks up f rom paper, mut,t,ers trYgffirr, then laughs mirthlessly) . . .By the way I think llarry t,ook the news about Hugo and I awf uIIy we 11 , don ' t you , Dori s ?

KIM

has to sit down. Meanwhile, KIM has gone to phone) o . . This is she. Yes , I ' 1I wait.
(MRS. MacAFEE MRS. MacAFEE

moderll

I don't know. Yesterday I was a mother. Today f 'm a pa1 (Cets up and heads f or stairs . . .Are you sure you wouldn't like t,o call me Mom? That' s
) .

I'm sorry, but times are changing and you've got t,o go along with them or be lef t, behind with t,he old f olks (then casually) . . .By t,he way, Doris, have you goL a cigarett,e? I seem to have run out.
!

KIM

(UnS . MacAFEE hurries upsLairs, Lrying MR. MacAFEE to hold back a sniffle. has risen from stool in kitchen SR, put down HIS newspaper and crossed to KIM)

I'm not an old


,..
.

MR. MacAFEE
man!

I was eighteen in World War fI.


(ana HE exits. KIM has been listening on phone through this and as MR. MacAFEE exits we see HER expression change from that of a poised woman to a dazed child. Slowly SHE put,s down the phone. Then in a very smal1 voice. . . )

(SadIY)

Conrad Birdie. . . is coming here. . . to kiss (Then weakly) Dori s . (a bit louder ) Mother. o. (a shout )
. . . .Mg$sl4-!-

KIM

me?

Baby

(Running downst airs


!

MRS. MacAFEE
)

...

(Grabbing KIM in HER arms) Baby, what is itZ ! Wirat' s wrong?

1-3 -L7
24

It' s Conrad Birdie,

Mommy I

KIM

He' s

going to kiss

me

That's nice, dear. Now you just put your head on shoulder. (rHnY sit, on steps
)

MRS. MacAFEE

Mommy's

Apple to kiss rne goodbye ! Oh,

You don't, understand!

Conrad Birdie is coming here to SweeL


Mommy, Mommy I

KIM

I never thought I'd say it. . . But God Bless Conrad Birdie (the HOUSE is moving US, the Lf GHTS FADE, NO. 1 brown border comes on and we begin t,o hear...)

MRS. MacAFEE

pENN srATIoN_jrRANSrrroN

(orchesrra)

r-4-18
25

ACT

Scene

ONE 4

n_/

PENN STATION TRANSITION (Cont inued)

Three plaintive VOICES shrilling wild1y in the BLACKOUT. SPOTLIGHT comes up DR and we see three identj-calIy dressed TEEN AGE GIRLS, their Conrad Birdie but,t,ons on their 1apeIs, t,heir heads f lung back as THEY sai I int,o the f ort ieth chorus of the same song.
TEEN TRIO & TEENAGE

CHORUS

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES WE DO! WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,


AI\TD

WE'LL BE TRUE ! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US WE'RE BLUE! OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU! (lrGHTS have come up and we find ourselves in f ront, of TRAIN GATE, PENNSYLVAI{IA STATION. TEEN TRIO continues singing loudly as ALBERT hurries on)

Hi girIs, sorry I'm late. Now let's go over the Birdie song once more before we go down to the Lrain. (the TRIO move C2 to join other TEEN GIRLS waiting f or CONRAD. ALBERT not ices cloud of smoke, t akes cigarette out, of ONE GIRL' s m,outh, drops it on f loor and stamps it, out ) . . . Remember t,he Conrad Birdie Creed, dear . No smoking t, i 1 you're fourteen. A1l right now, shall we try it?
WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES WE DO ! wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD. . . . . (Suddenly, ALBERT not,ices SAD LITTLE

ALBERT

(as HE conduct s

GIRLS them)

GIRL sLanding al-one DL. HE stops

the singing and calls to

HER)

L-4-1-9
26

Oh, l-itt1e girl ! You can sing with us if you want.


. , . What'
( Sttg doesn' t answer) s the matter wit,h her?

ALBERT

Oh she's just sad because Conrad's going into she' 11 be too o1d for him when he gets out .
ALBERT

ONE GIRL

the Army and

(Looking again. SAD GIRL is no more than thirt,een) I think she still has a few good years lef t, . Look, why don't you girls go on down t,o Track L2 and I ' 11 t alk to her (T}tgY go. HE shouts af ter THEM) . . . And stay ouL of t,he bar !
.

(Uus

ic st,art s

(Then HE turns t,o t,he SAD GIRL. Starts to HER) Hi! I'm Albert Pet,erson, Conrad's manager. (No reaction) . . . . Come on, now, that' s no way to be ! Things can't be that black ! Smile (luothi*g) gi tI , t,his is an adult, speaking ! I order you to smile . LiEt, le (SttU t,urns away f rom HIM HE Xes L of HER. Gently)
!

. . . Please.
ITPUT

ba

oN A HAPPY FACE"

ALBERT GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ! BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AI\TD CHEER UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !

rT, S NOT' YOUR STYLE ! YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE YA DECIDED TO SMILE ! (Takes HER hand and XR to C)
PICK OUT A PLEASAI{T OUTLOOK ! STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN ! WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK ! SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN ! (UB kneels, hat, in hand)

TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY,


GLAD

a-4-20
27

ALBERT (Continued) AAID SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE ! JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ! (ltg sets HER on HIS knee but sad) SHE rises and moves DR, still
PUT

(gn f oIlows HER R, Lhen. . . ) ON A HAPPY FACE ! (SHg moves L to RC; HE follows)
!

PUT ON
A}TD

(He sLrikes John L. Sullivan Pose

HAPPY FACE

TF YOU'RE FEELING CROSS AIID BICKER] SH, DON'T SIT AIVD WHINE !
THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AIVD LICORISH,

(f,eaning to HER L )

AI\TD

YOU'LL FEEL FINE ! (Taking of f HIS hat and creasing it,. . . )

(t,eaning to HER R)

I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY SHE'D NEVER LAUGH OR SING! SHE WOULDN'T LTSTEN TO ME, (Hg puts HIS hat, on HER head) NOW SHE'S A MEA}U OLD THING ! (SHe preens s1ighLly and moves L. HE follows and retrieves hat ) SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE,
JUST...
(Un .pulls hat down over HIS head and. mugs ) . . . PUT ON A HAPPY FACE !

(ana as music conLinues, ALBERT dances with t,he SAD GIRL in an attempt t,o cheer HER up. When HB finally manages to part,ially do this, HE turns R and f inds a SECOND SAD GIRL in a similar costume, wit,h a similar long face. ALBERT squares HIS shoulders, dances wit,h them both. EXf TS with SECOND SAD GIRL near end, then comes back to find FIRST SAD GIRL as gloomy as ever. It is only when HE gives up, start,s of f L, and bumps int.o the proscenium t.hat SHE finally laughs. ALBERT is triumphant, HE twirls HER around, SHE sits happily on HIS lap as t,he dance ends )

(es catL , loaded with luggage start, s out f rom R2 ) . . .My gosh, there's our luggage ! Hurry up, Jittle girl; you'd bet,t,er get down to Track Twelve if you want tc see Conrad before he goes
!

ALBERT (Continued)

r-4-2r
28

(SAP GIRL runs of f L2 aS ALBERT crosses t,o luggage cart which has started DS pushed by someone invisible behind aI l- t,he suitcases
)

Oh, boy !

get that stuff down t,o Track Twe1ve on the double . . (Cart st,arts L in 1 and HE sees that it is ROSIE pushirg) ....Rosie! What, are you doing
Wou1d you
!

ALBERT (Continued)

you, AlberL

Get,ting our t,hings down to the station without any help from
.

ROS

IE

Rose, I 'fiI sorry. t,hings u.p. .


.

I don'L suppose a generous tip would make


ROS

ALBERT

the briefcase) Albert , just take your briefcase and go down t,o that train before any of those reporters talk to Conrad alone. You know what, happened the last t, ime
(Hands HIM
!

IE

(tneINMAN has entered from L2 and removed baggage cart t,hrough L2)

You hang onto it,

(Handing briefcase back to


ROS

ALBERT

Rose. I've got to wait here for


IE
.

HER)

Mamma.

dissolving Almaelou I
coul-dn'

Speaking of your mo!,her, AIberL


!

have you t.ofd her about

t Rosie

Yesterday was the anniversary.


ROS

ALBERT

Of what?

IE

(taking of f HIS hat ) Lou. Six years ago he was hit on 1-81st St,reet and Broadway by a loaded beer truck. (.lust t,hen an ear- splitting "YOOHOO" is heard off R) Do you suppose that's Mamma? It,' s either her or the all -c1ear.
ROS

AI,BERT

IE

1,-4-22
29
MR.S

(Ent,ering
Yoohoo
!

PETERSON

R2

word. SHE wears a faded pink dress, a f abulous f uI I - length beige mink coat, and brown walkover shoes. SHE shoves HER way through a group of TRAVELERS)
Sonny
!

(SUn is a Mamma in eveyy sense of t,he

(fHgY embrace. SHE staggers)


ALBERT

Mamma

! What' s t.he matter?

Don'.t worry about, me, sonny. I'm just, a lit,tle thg subway....
Mamma,

MRS.

PETERSON

faint,

from

I told you to take a taxi


MRS.
What,

ALBERT

do I need wit,h taxis? I' 1I leave the taxis f or rfty successful- son. A mother can ride crowded in a dirty subway full of foreign people wouldn't give you a seat if your life depended on it, but, what's the dif f erence; nowadays a mother is lower than dirt, an)rway ! Here's t,he money I saved f rom not taking the taxi; buy some candy wit,h it, . (Looks at ROSIE) Who's she?
Mamma,

Taxi !

PETERSON

you know Rose Alvarez

ALBERT f rom

the of f ice.

This is Rose Alvarez? Pretty lit,t, Ie Rose Alva rez? I can, t believe it.... (fhen with an agonized shout) ....Rose, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something? (Trying to get out, crosses L) Excuse me, Albert; I think I' 1l go see if Conrad's here . By all means, Miss Alvarez . (Putting HER arm around ROSIE) . . . . Look at her, sonny. How nice she l-ooks. It's a wonder to me some older man doesn't, snat,ch her of f . A personabl-e maLLon like that with brains and a few dollars. What, a catch you'd be for a convalescent . Goodbye, Rose (Extends hand . ROS IE t,akes it )
.

MRS.

PETERSON

ROS

IE

MRS.

PETERSON

L-4-23
30

Goodbye, Mae.

ROS

IE
PETERSON

CalI

me Mrs. Peterson. (nOSIE exits


)

MRS.

Mamma,

what I wanted to discuss wit,h you is sort of about Rose. Maybe you'd better sit down.
MRS.
PETERSON

ALBERT

Why? I know my Sonny. He loves his mamma. to say anything t,hat would break her heart.
(

. . . What

about

Leve 1IY) Rose?

He isn' t going Go ahead, dear.

WeIl, it's

about Lou, too.

ALBERT

. ...Lou. consumed f aithfully

(es if struck. Calling t,o heaven) Where are you, Lou? Struck down by a beverage f
(To

MRS.

PETERSON

for thirty-two years.


ALBERT

What about Lou?

ALBERT)

Mamma, Rose Almae IoLr .

WeIl,

thinks, and I agree, that I should give up


staggers
MRS.
)

What's the matter,

(MRS.

PETERSON Mama?

Nothing' s the maLter. You killed me , that' s all (Looking up) . . .Lou, I'fiI coming. f tm on my way up.
You don't understand, Mdmma. It's mean I thought....I mean...
ALBERT

PETERSON

just that Rose t,hought . . . I

(Giving up) Look, M?mma, here's some money. Take a cab home. The subways are too crowded.
MRS.
PETERSON

Not,hing is Loo crowded f or a mother. I' 1I take the I . R. T. That's the worst subway (A1te.rna-te_ Ii4e Jor locales too Lar f rom New York: ftl'l-I go during the rush hour. That' s the worst t,ime . " ) Wait a minute, how many blocks is it after all? OnIy a hundred and seven. r' 11 wa1k.

L-4-24
31 ALBBRT Mamma. .
.

(as SHE leaves, filoving R) Enjoy yourself, son. Take care. Wear your heavy coat. Be careful crossing the street,. Keep your money in your inside pocket. Wear your rubbers. And eat a hot lunch. .
.

MRS.

PETERSON

(SHg i s gone DR . ROS IE has ent,ered L2 through train gate in t,ime to witness HER exit )
...

.AlberL, I thought you were going to break it to her senLly.


ALBERT
(

ROS

IE

WeII, as a matter of f act, Rosie , T didn't teII her at, aII . I mean, she was so upset about my^ leaving I thought I'd beLter wait
.

Sheepishty)

(Uus

ic start,

s)
ROS

You mean you didn'E. . . .?


(

IE

Rushing in L1 ) He's comingl He's coming! Conrad Birdie's


ALBERT

POLICEMAN

coming!
t,o

Come

on, Rosie ! Conrad' s coming ! And we can't let him t,alk t,hose reporters alone !
ROSiE

But Albert, you promised me that. . . .


(I(f DS, REPORTERS rush by saying t'Hef s coming! Conrad's cominq!")

Later, Rosie !

Conrad needs me. Lat,er. . . .

ALBERT

(Screams and cries fill the air as PEOPLE rush back and forth and now CONRAD BIRDIE and HIS GUITARMAN ent,er DL surrounded by KIDS, REPORTERS, POLICE. THEY pause CS A REPORTER start s to take HIS picture; CONRAD shoves HfM away. AJJ action is suspended as HE takes a comb from HfS pocket, combs HIS pompadour, then signals HE is ready to pose. FLASH BULBS pop)
.

L-4-25
32

Hey, how about answering a coupla questions, Conrad? Like do you feel about, going into the Army? desperately shoulder their way through the crowd j ust, as CONRAD is about to answer)
(ROSIE and ALBERT

FIRST

REPORTER

how

''A HEALTHY NQRMAL

AMERICAI\T BOYI'

ALBERT HOW DOES HE FEEL? YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS? HE'S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU SO I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS, HE FEELS BRAVE AIVD EAGER ! STRANGELY HUMBLE ! PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G. I . !
ROS IE HE WTLL GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS, FOR HE' S NOT AFRAID TO DIE.

FOR

HE'S A FINE, UPSTAIVDING, PATRIOTIC,


NORMAL AMERICA\I BOY !

TEENS

HEALTHY,

And that' s why he volunt,eered f or. . . .

ALBERT

Volunt,eered? I t,hought he was draf ted


And he appealed
Sing !

FIRST

REPORTER
!

t,hree t,imes
ROS

THIRD

REPORTER
!

(To TEEN TRIO)

IE

TEEN TRIO WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! oH, YES WE DO ! wE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! AIVD WE'LL BE TRUE ! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE! oH, coNRAD, WE LOVE YOU !

Very nice

(Applauditg)
!

ALBERT

L-4-26
33

What '

t,wo engaged?

s t,he pitch on t,hat IS HE ENGAGED? IS CONRAD ENGAGED?

FIR.ST REPORTER FicI lywood st,arlet


ROSIE

, Conrad? Are you

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE RUMOR HE'S ENGAGED !

SHE'S A REAL PAL, LIKE A SISTER, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING !


AI\TD

ALBERT

THAT EIGHTEEN- CAIU\T DIAMOND .

IT

WAS .JUST

FRIENDSHIP
TEENS
!

RTNG

FOR

HE'S A FINE, UPSTA}IDING, PATRIOTIC,


NORMAL AMERICA}T BOY

HEALTHY,

Then why was her husband so

THIRD

REPORTER mad?

(to
Sing
!

ALBERT

TEEN TRIO) TEEN TRIO

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD OH, YES WE DO ! WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

AI{D

WE',

LL BE TRUE, HIrM. . .
ALBERT

(as TEEN TRIO cont,inues hummirg) I' 1l never forget Conrad's first words when he heard he' s been accept,ed into the Armed Forces . 'r Say, Mr . Petersofl, " he cried eagerly, I'Do you suppose I can get assigned to the f ront - l ine t,renches ? That way I ' 11 be sure to get me one of those dirty j erries . . . t' Albert
. . . . Or
ROS
!

IE

whoever's dirty

this time

ALBERT

(Coming DLC) Hey, Mr. Peterson , give us the real scoop:

TRAVELER

drinking a lot

Is Conrad still

L- 4 -27 34

LISTEN HERE ! THAT GOSSIP MUST STOP ! HE GOES TO CHURCH EACH AND HE DOESN'T TOUCH A
NOW

(Quickly crossing

ROS

IE
L)
SUNDAY
DROP
!

HE'S AS DECENT AS A MINISTER ! HE' S AS SOBER AS A .JUDGE ! HE SUBSCRIBES TO EV'RY CHARITY ! AND HIS HOBBY'S MAKING FUDGE !
FOR

ALBERT

HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC,


NORMAL AMERICA}U BOY
!

TEENS

HEALTHY,

(ELEERT and ROSIE force t.o HIS knees


)

CONRAD

n unison, ONE to ALBERT, ONE to ROSIE) Is it, Lrue that, you found Conrad in a reform school?
(f

TWO REPORTERS

A LIE THROUGH A}ilD THROUGH I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM, HERE'S THE STORY, AIID TT'S TRUE!
!

THAT

IS A LIE

ALBERT
!

and ROSIE

ALBERT ROS IE HE WAS BORN TN INDO-CHINA, HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINTE, SON OF MISSTONARIES THERE, ON A THOUS$TD-ACRE FARMI VERY POOR A}UD VERY HUNGRY, FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEARI THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO HONG KONG, TO A WATERFRONT SALOON!
PLATUTERS,

FULL OF GENTEEL, SOUTHERN CHARMI EV'RY EVENING BY THE RTVER,

IN

THE MOONLTGHT, THEY

WOULD

THAT

WHERE I HEARD HIM THAT'S WHERE CONRAD STARTED INGING , S INGING, THAT DIRTY HONG KONG 'NEATH THAT SWEET PLAATTATION 'NEATH
S

IS

CROON !

MOON

MOON!

TEENAGERS

wE LOVE YOU,

AIfD WE'LL BE

CONRAD oH, YES, WE DO ! WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

OH, BEAUTIFUL
OF
GRATN

ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIE

FOR SPACIOUS SKIES, FOR AMBER WAVES

oH,

TRUE

oH,

L-4-28
3s

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

TEENAGERS CONRAD WE LOVE YOU


WE'LL BE TRUE

ADULTS, ALBERT & ROSIE

AMERTCA, AMERICA, GOD SHED HTS GRACE ON THEE,

ALL FOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDING, AV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC,

HEALTHY, NORMAL, AMERICA\T, AMERICA}I BOY !

All Aboard

TRAINMAN (CROWD waves;

masking leg flies . As the song continues, the set begins to change from PENN STATION IO IhC RAITROAD STATION aT SWEET APPLE, OHIO. Raincoated CROWD of TRAVELERS, REPORTERS and KIDS gives way to wel-coming CROWD of brightly dressed KIDS and TOWNSPEOPLE waving pompoms . A ff Welcome Birdie " banner f lies in. VOICES change from the fulI sound of CROWD at PENN STATION to shrill voices of the KIDS as THEY singr . . )

ROSIE and ALBERT and GUITARMAN move UL and board rear platform of t,rain now in view as

KIDS clutch at

CONRAD

as

HE,

PENN STATIoN

To SWEET

APPLE

WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD ! OH, YES, WE DO! WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD! A}TD WE'LL BE TRUE ! oH, oH, WE LOVE YOU, WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD
TRUE

TEENAGERS

OH, BEAUTIFUL
FOR SPACIOUS SKTES, FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRATN. . .
AMERICA, AMERICA, GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE,

ADULTS

CONRAD

WE'LL BE

GOD BLESS

AMERICA

FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTAI\TDING AV' RAGE, MODEST, PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL,

ALL
AMERTCAIV,

AMERICA}U BOY !

1_-5

-29
36

ACT

Scene

ONE 5

SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.

(On baggage wagon which comes in from R, with KIM as singing ends ) ...Conrad Birdie, welcome to Sweet Apple! Now before we escort you to t,he Town HalI where t,he Mayor himself is waititrg, I would like to introduce to you the girl upon whom you have chosen to bestow your f inal kiss upoll . . .and who wil] now lead us in reciting the Conrad Birdie Pledge ! Kim MacAfee !

URSULA

position below
I , Kim MacAf ee,
. . . being

(TEEN GIRLS scamper int,o


URSULA)

(Cfapping their hands over their hearts)


be

KIM ANd TEEN GIRLS

(EACH GIRL gives HER own name) of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to loya1 , courteous, steadf ast and t,rue, to Conrad Birdie both indivisible, and the United States of America with l iberty and j ust, ice f or al l
!

(a greaL cheer, MUSIC, and TWO MEN step orward, lif t, CONRAD to their shoulders, circle and go off L, followed by TWO DRUM MA,JORETTES and CROWD, AtL singing...)
f

SWEET APELE BA}TD

FOR HE'S A FINE UPSTANDING,

KIDS (TEEN CHORUS)

PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL, AMERICAII BOY ! ( Repeat )

(es music cont,inues ) I ' m going wit,h Conrad Ros ie , you stay here .

ALBERT

But Albert

ROS

IE

1-5-30
37

I 've got to make Conrad' s speech f or him ! You get t,he bags , stack ' em, and bring ' em to t,he house . If I see a t,axi I' 11 send it back. . .
FoR

ALBERT

''Jl:

f";ffi';;r;i*"};5:

(ana ROSIE sighs, puts down HIS brief case and through f oI lowing picks up t,wo of t he seven bags placed cent,er stage by t,he TRAINIvIAN and puts them on baggage wagon. KIM and last TWO GIRLS start, off left after the OTHERS. As THEY do , a BOY who has been standing apart from CROWD steps forward)
go

..

.Ki*, before you

, eould I talk to you for a minut,e?


KIM

HUGO

Right now? I mean, couldn't it wait? I don' t think so, Kim. It' s important
DEBORAH SUE
HUGO
.

I'm in an awful hurryl

Hugo Peabody, what's so important that you have Lo talk t,o her

right

now?
HUGO

(eursting forth) hlhat's so important,? I'1I tell you what's so important I The day after I give her my pin she goes around kissing someone else , that,' s what' s so important, ! I want you t,o know f 'm quite upset about, this. I've already had several headaches and a
nosebleed
!

Why

Hugo, T believe you're actually jealous of Conrad Birdiel


HUGO
!

ALI

CE

I'm the opposite of j ealous . f'm very j ealous And I have every right t,o be . Kim' s my steady
I

Me j ealous?

That's just it, Hugo, I'fil your steady! Oh I may admire Conrad Birdie as one admires a f ar - di stant and unattainabl-e ideal But f 'm pinned to you, Hugo, and I don't, care how common and ordinary you are, that' s how I'm going to stay
. I

KIM

You're noL just saying that. to make me f eel bett.er?

HUGC

1-5-31
38

(music in)

"oNE BoY''
KIM

I mean eve ry word of it, Hugo. Conrad Bird.ie is j ust a f ling. A st,eady is f orever. . . (nnusic up and KIM sings as ROSIE sit,s on suitcase and quietly listens)
.

ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY, ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH, AIVD WALK WITH,

' oNE BOY, THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. THAT'S THE WAY IT

KIM & ONE LITTLE GIRL *

TWO GIRLS * SHOULD BE.

KIM & ONE GIRL


ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY, ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH, ONE BOY, NOT TWO OR THREE. KIM ONE DAY YOU FIND OUT THTS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LTVING .JUST FOR YOU.

TRTO (KIM & TWO GIRLS)


ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY, ONE BOY TO BE WITH,
FOREVER

AND EVER, ONE BOY, THAT'S THE WAY THAT'S THE WAY

IT IT

SHOULD BE, SHOULD BE.


HUGO

(as music cont,inues ) . . . .Oh Kj-m, I feel so much bet,t,er now! A11 t,hought,s of nosebleed have utterly vanished
!

* Opti-onal : ALICE & DEBORAH SUE

1- 5 -32
39

to worry, Hugo. Conrad Birdie may be a great, public figure but he doesn't make me feel all dizzy and faint when I t,hink of him. Only my steady does t,hat, . Why even when I say his name I don't f eel a thing. Listen. Conrad Birdie Conrad Birdie. (ena it hits HER. Huskily) Conrad Birdie. . (as SHE wavers, the other TWO GIRLS step down on eit,her side and take HER arms)
You were silly
I .

KIM

KIM & ONE GTRL


ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY, ONE BOY TO BE WITH,
FOREVER, AIVD EVER,

KIM &

TWO GIRLS

ONE BOY. THAT'S THE WAY TT SHOULD BE, (es THEY start of f L1) THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

(stilf dazed) The boy she loves is the boy who makes her dizzy and a]-most faint.... (fo a surprised ROSIE) ... .Arf.d you heard her, Iady! That boy is me!
(ana HE whirls a confused ROSIE around then drops HER and st,art,s af ter Kf M. ROS IE is al-one , st,anding LC, sti 11 holding ALBERT's briefcase. SHE looks off L and sings...)
ROS

HUGO

ONE DAY YOU FIND OUT THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO IS LIVING .]UST FOR YOU. ONE GIJY, ONE SPECIAL GUY, ONE GIJY TO LTVE FOR, TO CARE FOR, BE THERE FOR,

IE

(efuesy-strip music sneaks in and ROSIE dances as SHE begins HER usual j ob of loading the luggage. Piece by piece SHE

1-5-33
40

dances them f rom the pi le st,age center to t,he luggage cart R . SHE has a hard t ime with the heavy one, does a few bumps and grinds as SHE carries over t,wo smal l make -up cases , finally comes t,o ALBERT's briefcase which is the last it,em lef t, . SHE picks it up, dances tenderly wit,h it, then suddenly becomes angry, hurls t,he brief case down, then regrett, ing what SHE has done, hurriedly picks it back up. SHE st,ares at it, becomes angry again and slings it of f L . ALBERT, rushing on , cat,ches it )

(as music cont inues ) what's the matter ! ? Rosie,


ROS

ALBERT

I was j ust t,hinking of you, Albert


Never mind thinking of
ALBERT
me

IE

....

! My speech! Where is it?


IE

In the briefcase.
Good

ROS

(cives it to HER) Bring it along; the Mayor's almost finished talking.


!

ALBERT

Come on

(Hg dashes off L)


ROS

(Sings as SHE follows , carring the briefcase ) THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
(nOSIE, carrying brief cas, hurries af ter HIM. Through this the seL begins to change, and various PEOPLE come rushing by on their way to t,he big event,. We hear fragments of conversations in the gathering darkness)

IE

SWEET APpLE

srATroN (orchesLra underscoring)


REPORTER

I' 11 go to the courthouse.

I' 11 make Sure we've got a wire to New York.


Come

REPORTER

on, Alice I

Conrad's over here !

FRED

1- 5 -34
4T

Fred, did you bring the box for me to stand


URSULA

ALICE

on?

Mother, I'm going to t,ake you back home. ft's You'l1 have to drag me by t,he hair (lllusic out.
More PEOPLE pass by. We just hear VOICES and see the glow of their
f MRS.
MERKLE
I

too crowded!

lashl ight s )

crowds.

Phy1lis, you know the doctor said you shouldn't go out in


(From offstage
PHYLLIS
R)
I

LEE

Shut, up and keep pushing that wheel chair

(By now t,he scene has changed and find ourselves in front of the

we
)

r-6-35
ACT

42{

ONE
5

Scene

STEPS. Nothing other than a few steps, some columns, and an improvised platform up center. CONRAD, the M;\YOR, and the MAYOR'S WIFE are on it .
COURTHOUSE

. ..An,C so it is with great prid'e and prejudice, usual pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you

ds to city and present you with this fourteen-carat solid generously donat,ed by men at t,he Sweet Apple Brass as I present this key to you, Conrad Birdie
(Wit,h a wild shriek) zuUU{! He said it! He said the name! W!
What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie
TWO MORE GIRLS
MAYOR
!

MAYOR

well as the our fair gold key so Works. And

URSULA

ruuuurAl{

If you girls
Who

don't stop that I can't finish my speech!


URSULA

MAYOR

cares about your speech!


(SUn Screams

(Running forward)

We

want to hear from Conradl

as the CROWD shouts approval) to us, oh beautiful one ! Tel-I us how you make that glorious sound that even now, in anticipation of iL, has reduced me to a snarling , Ta.ging, pdnting jungle beast !
. . . Speak

'THoNESTLY srNcERE" (CONRAD looks at GUITAR MAN R who strikes a chord and CONRAD huskily sings)

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE!

CONRAD

(The MAYOR'S WIFE utters a weak little scream and keels over)

1--5-35
43
MAYOR

Edna

(t<neeling beside What' t, the matter?


YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE
!

HER)

CONRAD

(Trying to revive HIS Wf FE. Pulls HER up, SHE collapses wit,h rubber legs t,hrough following) Mr. Birdie ! What are you doing?
YOU GOTTA FEEL TT HERE , CAUSE IF YOU FEEL TT HERE, WELL THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE HONESTLY SINCERE ! IF WHAT YOU FEEI TS TRUE, (REALLY FEEL IT) YOU MAKE THEM FEEL TT TOO, (WNITE THIS DOWN NOW ! ) YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, HONESTLY SINCERE, MJ\N YOU'VE GOTTA BE SINCERE
MAYOR CONRAD

MAYOR

Edna

(es HIS WIFE whom HE has finally managed to revive , faints again)
!

(Now

and

CONRAD

the guitar is really whanging away, starts to move HIS body)

IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE, IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE IF YOU FEEI+ IT IN HERE, THEN TT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !
ooooH,
CONRAD
BABY
!

(Shouts)

(CHORUS Screams)

OH, HONEY!

CONRAD

(CHORUS Screams)
CONRAD

HUG ME! (CUORUS Screams


)

1- 5 -37 44
CONRAD

SUFFER

(CHORUS Screams

(KIM has entered R, followed by HUGO, who t,ries t,o get HER to leave . SHE waves HIM away and is drawn to CONRAD)

rN EV'RYTHING I DO MY SINCERTTY SHOWS THROUGH! r LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY, IT'S AUTOIqJ\TIC! I'M

(Moving down a step, sings)

CONRAD

SINCERE!

(Un goes back to top st,ep, Lhrows a bump at MAYOR'S WIFE who goes over stiff as a board this time)

I SING ABOUT A TREE, REALLY FEEL THAT TREE ! WHEN I SING ABOUT A GTRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL, I MEADI I REALLY FEEL S INCERE
WHEN

(rcfU screams and faints


YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ! YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ! YOU FEEL IT IN HERE, THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT !

into HUGO's arms)

IF rF IF

OH, BABY !

CONRAD (SHOUTS)

(CHORUS Screams)

oH,

CONRAD

HONEY !

(CHORUS Screams)
CONRAD

OH HUG

ME

(CHORUS Screams
SUFFER
(

CONRAD
!

CHORUS Screams

L-5-38
45
(COIURAD slowly moves down steps to throughout the following, wreaking havoc as HE goes. Again singi*g)
CONRAD

DSC

YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH, OH, OH, YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE, OH, OH, OH, MY BABY ! OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ ! OH MY BABY, OH YEAI{ !

(l bars orchestra under dialogue Harvey! Harvey! What are you doing?
MRS.
MERKLE

IVIR. JOHNSON

Ursu1a I Ursu1a ! Come back here t,his minute ! (es MRS. MERKLE goes af ter URSULA, L,hen turns, gets a look at CONRAD and faints also)
CONRAD

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE ! WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE !


TEENS

YEAI{

CONRAD

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE! WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE!


TEENS

YEAII

WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE ! WELL YA GONNA BE SINCERE!


TEENS
YEA}T
!

OH MY BABY! OH YEAI{ ! OH MY BABY! OH YEAFI ! WELL YA GONNA BE S INCERE WELL YA GONNA BE S INCERE OH MY BABY! OH YEzu{ OH MY BABY! OH YEAi{ OH MY BABY! OH YEAi{ OH MY BABY OH YEAII ! YEAI{ ! YEAH I

CONRAD

,
!

1--5-39
46

(By now the stage is littered with bodies. Last to crumble is the MAYOR himself. As HE sinks down, ROSIE and ALBERT ent,er from L. SHE takes the key from HIS extended hand and gives it to CONRAD. As applause starts to go, ITlusic cue f or s low segue into next number)

BTACKOUT

1,-7 -40 47

ACT

ONE
7

Scene

shows outside of MacAfee house, ds by torchlight we hear the MEN of SWEET APPLE bring home their wounded and maimed. Music continues under dialogue into vocal.

Behind the MacAfee scrim, which

Harvey, where are yolJ. . . .


Somebody

MAN'S VOICE
ANOTHER VOICE

help me with the Mayor's wif e


THIRD VOICE

There' s a lady with slacks lying in the gutter. belong to?

Who does she

Me. And leave her there.

FOURTH VOICE

I got a lock of somebody's hair !


No it isn't, Ethel .

GIRL'S

VOICE

I wonder if it's
!

his.

And give me my hat

MAN'S VOICE

(ana as VOICES f ade of f , another set of begin to be heard. As lights begin to come up, w f ind ourselves OUTSIDE THE MacAFEE HOUSE early next morning. MARGIE, DEBORAH SUE & URSULA sit huddled on the ground wearily singing into the dawn)
VOICES

wouNpgp MJ\RGTE, DEBORAH SUE WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, OH YES WE DO! WE LOVE YOU CONRAD,
MARGIE

& URSULA

A\ID WE'LL BE TRUE.

I ' m tired,

Ursula .

We've been here all night

DEBORAH SUE
!

L-7

- 4I

48
UR.SULA

promised to sing the Birdie song ten thousand t j-rnes didn' t, we? Well we've goL f ive thousand two hundred and sevent y- six t,o go. So sinq !
We

(ana the three VOICES are raised in song again as l ight,s come up behind scrim arid we find ourselves in MacAFEE HOUSE. The dining room t,able is elaborately set for breakfast for one. Gleaming silver, sparkling china , a huge vase of flowers, the works. Downstage of this festive board, MRS. MacAFEE is hovering anxiously over MR. MacAFEE who is eating a hurried breakfast, on a small TV table. As the scrim goes up, KIM comes down the stairs)

, T wish you'd hurry. I want to have all t,his cleared away before Conrad comes down!
. . . .Daddy

KIM

mess

at the elaboraLe table beside HIM) This mess, as you call it, Kim, happens to be my breakfasL And I int,end enj oying it
t

MR. MacAFEE (Wit,h contained bitt,erness as HE looks

Your f ather has a right to enj oy his eggs , Kim. But, f 'm sure he won' t mind if we j ust, quiet It start clearing away some of these other t,hings . . (ana as MR. MacAFEE tries to eat, KIM and MRS. MacAFEE begin snatching up bredd, butter , jam, salt, pepper, sugar, milk, and all the utensils . MR. MacAFEE makes futile grabs at disappearing it,ems as MRS . MacAFEE rattles on) . . . . f know the house is a bit hectic this morning, but, Kim's gone Lo a lot of t,rouble t,o f ix a special breakf ast f or Mr. Birdie and f want to make sure everything's ready and waiting for him when he comes down. Af ter all he is a nat,ional f igure and I want, to show these New York people we know how to treat a national figure here in Sweet Apple. Of course it realIy doesn't mean that, much to me personally but. for Kim's sake I.... (Through lasL of above THEY've pretty well gotten everyLhing of f the t,able. KIM removes the table itself . MR. MacAFEE reaches for the table, and manages t,o grab Hf S two fried eggs. HE is holding them in HIS hands when talking, reaches over and MRS. MacAFEE, still snaps t,hem up in a silent but, ler) There we are I A11 done I Did you enj oy iL, de ar? Good (Takes empty plaLe from HIM) Now if you' JI j ust, hurry along. .
. ! .

MRS.

MACAFEE

L-7 -42
49

(e pronouncement Doris, I am not, budging from this room til smoke a cigarette, and read my paper
)

MR. MacAFEE

I get my coffee,

Oh I'm sorry, dear.

I didn' t have t,ime to make your cof f ee, this morning. How about a nice warm Seven-Up? (SHg goes to cabinet to get one)
RAI{DOLPH

MRS. MacAFEE

(f f M' s brot,her, aged ten, coming down sLairs) Morning, PB. Here's your paper. I hope you don't mind but I cut out a f ew st,ories about Conrad. (Ana HE hands MR. MacAFEE a folded newspaper. MR. MacAFEE opens it . It is in shreds . Quietly HE puts it, down and turns to HIS
FAMILY)

have t,ried t,o run this house on a democratic basis . I have extended the privilege of self -determination t.o both the woman I have martied, and t,he children I have sired....The vote has been denied no one for reason of age, sex, or polit,ical af f i I iat iorls . There has been no taxat ion without, represent,ation, and open covenants have been openly arrived at ! (With mount ing angrer, risos , moves to above table) Last, night I gave up my room t,o a guest who repeat,edly referred t,o me as rrFat,s. rr Telephone calls were made on my phone to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the fireplace and my head in an ashtray. Outside my window three harpies shrieked We Love You Conrad f our thousand seven hundred and twent,y- three t imes I . . . I have j ust lost t,wo f ried eggs . (tn ringing tones ) . . . Gent1emen, the democracy is over ! Parliament has been dissolved; the Magna Cart,a is revoked, and Nero is back in t,own ! And you don't of f er an emperor a warm Seven-Up I
..
.I

MR. MacAFEE

(From upstairs) Oh, Mr. MacAf ee ! I hope you won't mind keeping of f the phone for a f ew minutes. We're expect,ing a long-dist,ance call f rom New York.

ALBERT

(es HE exits R) Pe rfect Iy al l right . I' 1I go out, and burn


MoLher, what's wrong?
KIIVl

MR. MacAFEE

Rome

I-7
MRS. MacAFEE

- 43

50

Nothing, dear. Your father's here, that' s all .


(Who

just excited about Conrad.'s being

has Xed L to bottom stairs through above) of He' s coming ! He' s coming
!

RANDOLPH

He'

s coming !

I ' 11 get t,he eggs !

KIM

Mother, you call the kids

Girls, him eat

(Calling off right) he's coming! You'd bettbr hurry if you want to watch
!

MRS. MacAFEE

(untering R with MRS. MERKLE and the MAYOR's WIFE. OTHERS peer through screen door and window) Here we are, Kim! I'm sorry, Doris, but we just had t,o come, too! quietly back here.
Here he is
(From bottom step)
!

URSULA

MRS.

MERKLE

We'11 st.and

RANDOLPH

CONRAD

f inds can opener, takes beer can out, of pocket, punches it open. NOTE: Use warm beer and shake it up so it realIy shoots up like a geyser. Drains entire can, burps, hands can to MRS. MacAFEE)

(Ana attired in a leopard-skin bat,hrobe, comes slow1y down, crosses to beautiful table, looks at it, pushes HIS way to sink,

CaIl me for lunch. (as HE crosses L, HE passes MR. MacAFEE who has j ust, re - entered UC) ....Hi, Fat.s! (ana HE is gione up the stairs ) (Xing R to MRS. MacAFEE) Now look here, Doris . About, t.hat, boy. . . Ptease, Hdrry, he's just shy. . .
MRS. MacAFEE

CONRAD

MR. MacAFEE

I-7
RS ' MERKLE

- 44

51

werl, if you ask


Af

me.

ter all , Doris , Kim is only f if teen and I don' t, want her . .
KIM

MR. MacAFEE

Please, Ddddy. Not in front of everybody! Ursula, we'd better go ! (SUn drags URSULA out R door and OTHER NEIGHBORS go with them) I don't care who's here.
MR. MacAFEE No ilI-mannered lout is going to. . .
MRS.
MERKLE

all run t,ogether)


Te11 'em,
Pa
!

(UnS . MacAFEE shepherds ALICE, MARGIE and PENELOPE out UC door. Following speeches
RANDOLPH

MR. MacAFEE You shut, up ! (He turns back R to MRS. MacAFEE, but
RANDOLPH

L sleeve)

continues tugging at
MRS. MacAFEE

HIS

Harry, you have no right to say t,hat. and..


.

The boy is our guest

This is my house and until But, Daddy...


(To RANDOLPH) I said shut up ! ( furns t,o KIM) Unt,il you're eighteerl .. o.

(ro

MR, MacAFEE
KIM)

you're eighteen. .
RANDOLPH

MR. MacAFEE

But Daddy....

RANDOLPH

(To RANDOLPH) Will you leave me alone I ? I

MR. MacAFEE

L-7 - 45
52 ALBERT

(From upst,airs landing) ....Mr. and Mrs. MacAfee! Kiml Randolphl Is this want seventy-five million Americans to see you?l What are you

the way you

t,alking about ?

MR. MacAFEE

stairs, goes Lo MR. MacAFEE) You' re all going t,o be on television with Conrad.
(Comes down

ALBERT

On te levi

ion?

MR. MacAFEE
ALBERT

I just got the confirmation from New York. himself .


MR. MacAFEE

From Ed Sullivan

You mean we're going to be on the Sullivan Show? The Ed SuI livan Sul l ivan Show?

right . They' re going to cut in on Sweet Apple this night at 8 :05, and you're all going to be on. That' s why I beg you to put aside all petty differences. To that great audience out there you're an American dream come true. And for the free world's sake, Mr. MacAfee, don't destroy_t,hat, dream (eLenRT exits ULC door; MR. MacAFEE is still dazed)
ThaL' s Sunday
!

ALBERT

Me M

on the Ed Sullivan Show.... (e chord, and transf ixed HE sings )


"HyMN FoR

MR. MacAFEE

A suNDAy EVENTNG', (Ba sullivan)


MR. MacAFEE
!

Me, .

(Sti11 not believing HIS ears) Harry MacAfee. . . appearing with. . . (enother chord)
.

ED SULLIVAN

ED SULLIVAI\T
(lnnS

are

MacAFEE j oins Hf M. HER eyes 91 azed as SHE s ings : )

L-7 - 46
s3

ED....

MR. & MRS.


!

MacAFEE

U steps bes ide them and j oins singirg) ED....


(

ED SULLIVAI\T
Xf

ED SULLIVAIil

(RANDOLPH

is caught too)
MR. & MRS. MacAFEE & KIM
AI{
ATI

ED SULLIVAI{ ! ED SULLIVAT{ !

RANDOLPH
ALL

ED SULLIVAI{, ED SULLIVAIV, WE'RE GONNA BE ED SULLIVAI\T !

ED, ED, SULL, SULL,

MaCAFEES

ON

HOW COULD AITY FAM'LY BE, I{AtF AS FORTUNATE AS WE ! WE'

MRS. MacAFEE & KIM

WITH OUR FAV'RITE HOST, ED SULLIVASI !

LL BE COAST-TO-COAST,

ALL

MacAFEES

(UnS. MERKLE and OTHERS move reverent Iy in to j oin the I'4acAFEES


ALL MacAFEES & ED SULLIVA}T, ED SULLTVA}I , THEY'RE (WU'RE) CONNA BE ON ED SULTIVAI\T
AI{HHHH- -

CHORUS

(THEY

sustain note as

I've got a wonderful wif e now, this !

MR. MacAFEE

two swell kids

a good j ob and,

SOME DAY WE, LL RECATIL THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL,

ALL

r-7
MR. MacAFEE
ALI,

- 47

54

Ed. f love you! ! !


ED SULLIVAIV!
!

(Orchestra, or1 appLause, plays a short TAG which fades out as next scene is
ready)

BLACKOUT

1-8 -48
55

ACT

ONE
8

Scene

A single work light illuminates it. ROSIE and ALBERT are aJone.
ROS

BACKSTAGE THEATRE.

AT THE CENTRAL MOVTE

Well, this is it, It l-ooks great , you about....


(

Albert. . . .What do you thlnk?


Rose

IE

! Now there' s something I want to talk to


ROS

ALBERT

Interrupt irg) Course it's been used as a movie house for the past thirty years but I think it' 11 be f ine f or t,he TV show. It' 11 be swell,
Rose

TE

! Now what I wanted to say


ROSIE

ALBERT

was . . .

They're shipping down the cameras and lights whatever costumes we need we calf.. . o .
(f inally
ALBERT

(Again)

today, and

taking HER by the shoulders) Rose , I ' rTl sure everything' 11 be pe rfect ! (Leading HER left as BACKSTAGE OFFICE starts in from L; it is a cramped little dressing room outfitted with a tlpewriter) ...Now, if you'll just forget about the Sullivan Show for one minute and come into the office there' s something very important f want t,o tell you I About, . . . about you and T, Rose.
(By now THEY are inside OFFICE) You and me , Errgl ish teacher .
ROSIE

Almaelou

Rose, I'rt serious. I want, t,o tell you t,hat, I'm very glad you and I...and me...are out, here toget,her. Being away from New York, Rose...has made me see all kinds of t,hings in a different, light, . That's why I want, you to know I wrote Mamma and t,old her no matter what, happened. . . I have decided to give up
!

ALBERT

L-B -49
55
ROS

ly embraces AlbetL, you didn't,


(Happi
!

IE
HIM)

Yes, I did, Rose. I wrote her the day we left, which leaves three days and t,hree night,s for her tc get in touch wit,h me and so f ar not, a word! If you ask me, she's accept,ed t,he whole t,hing by r1ow. (as HE Xes L above ROS IE , there is a knock at, the door. ROSIE sit,s at desk) Come in. (Staggering in) . . . .Three days and three nights on a Trailways Bus, but what's the difference, I'm only a Mother and for a Mother a Trailways bus is good enough. (SHe pushes ROSIE out of chair and sits. ROSIE moves R above HER, and sit,s on high stool R through f ol lowirg)
Mamma,

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

what are you doing here?


MRS.

ALBERT
PETERSON

Did you think I wouldn't come? A woman gets a letter obviously written under the influence of drugs and she should stay at
( Sttg di splays let L er , wrings bucket of water out, of it ) It's only a mot,her's tears. . . . Pay no attention. (SttB unf olds it and reads ) 'rDear Mom: This is to let you know that Almaelou is dissolved. Your friend, A1bert. (to ALBERT) Almaelou is dissolved? Dissolve me I Who am I anyw ay? A sick old woman, probably won't last, the night. I just, want a simple Molher. And don't, stone, with one word carved on it...Al-bert's hire a limousine to get me to the final resting place. I' 1I
rr

home

wa1k.
ALBERT
Mamma
!

And tell

that Spanish f riend of yours I forgive her. knowet,h not, what, she doneth
!

MRS.

PETERSON

She

Mamma, Rose

is right here
)

ALBERT
!

rises as MRS. PETERSON turns to HER.


(ROSIE

1-B-50
57

This is Rose? I can't believe it. She looks like Margo when they took her ouL of Shangri-La. (SHg leads ROSIE to small st,ool below desk) For her own sake, AlberL, send her back to Tibet. And don't worry about, a secretary. It, so happens I met on the bus a perfect, secretary. A wonderful ref ined girl on her way to Akron only I persuaded her t,o get of f here. (SHB opens the door. GLORIA RASPUTf N enters. SHE is a sensat,ional and very large broad dressed in tight flowered slacks with a matching bag and dangling a long white fox fur). ....Sonny, say hel1o to Gloria Rasputin. Hi, Al !
Hey

MRS.

PETERSON

, you're cuLe.

GLORIA

(Xing R few steps) But,, Mamma, I don't need a secretary; I have Rosiel (Looking at ROS IE , now seat,ed on l-ow stool of f plat f orm DL) What, does Rosie need a job for? In a year or two she'l-I getting Social Security. WelI, lisLen. . . I don' t, j ust
(Int,erest,ed) You. . . do other things?
GLORIA
t.14>e
.

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

be

ALBERT

I tap dance ! I figured r could help you with the secretary stuff , and you would help me get int,o show business. Hotd this, honey. (SHg hands fur piece and bag to MRS. PETERSON, crossing R to C) . . .Mae, ean you hum Suwannee River? ft' s my favorite selection.
.

GLORIA

MRS.

PETERSON

Get a load of this, A1 (ena SHE tap dances as MRS. PETERSON gaily -hums . Sort of Ruby Keeler- ish steps with a Iot, of f eet - sf apping . SHE does

GLORIA

t--B-5r58

many

turns, each t,ime stopping with back to audience, finally ending in a fuII f lying split , hand t,o f orehead in salute )
(App1auding, ALBERT j oins
!

MRS.

Bravo

PETERSON HER)

Bravo

(Looking at ALBERT, big smile) ....We11, do I get the job? I do.n't know. f mean, you cert,ainly have wonderful qualifications but . . . . (Very subtly, GLORIA tries to get herself l;p...a wiggle here, a tiny push there. No soap) little . . . . I'm used to working with Miss Alvarez. However, as you say, Mdmma, w are faced with a certain amount of extra work and ' ' ' ' (Hg has become aware of HER. SHE smiles casually) Do you have to stay down t,here? For a f ew minutes. Mae , gimme a hand, will from the other side . Easy now. .
.

GLORIA

ALBERT

GLORIA

you?

A1

, 1rou push

work to get

(UnS.

PETERSON and ALBERT HER up)

Sonny, for the movies, they can always cut away while t,hey jack her up. (GlOnIA stands triumphantly erect ) A1bert,, why don't you t,ake Gloria somewhere and see how f ast she types. WelI, I do have all these releases to get out, and Gloria could do them. IJnless it makes any dif f erence to you, Rosie?
ROS IE Why should it, make any dif ference to

MRS.

PETERSON

ALBERT

me?

Atta girl, Rosie. You just keep working and T'It go along with Miss Rasput in . I'11 f ind you a typewriter. (SHg goes out)
MRS.
PETERSON

ALBERT

l- - B

-52
s9

(to GLORIA) Do you use the touch system?


Whenever possible.
(SHE

ALBERT

GLORIA

ROSIE, gives a silly laugh, then goes out closing door)


ROS

exits.

ALBERT

looks back at

I could ki 11 him . I could j ust ki 11 him (the LIGHTS begin to f ade, there is a dim rattle of drums in the disLance and as MUSIC comes up and the BACKSTAGE OFFICE goes off L we begin the HOW TO KILL A MAN BALLET . In the course of the bal l-et , ROS IE dances out HER desire to revenge herself on ALBERT. First SHE has HfM before a firing squad; then guillotined by an angry French mob , circa A Tale of Two Cit ies; then alternately poisoned, st,abbed, and bombed; f inally 'rubbed out' by a gang of mobst,ers; and over his visible prot,ests, buried and sent f lying of f t,o heaven. At t,he end of t,he BALLET, ROSIE is sitting alone on stage, ALBERT J. PETERSON having been dispatched at last. . . . in HER mind at leasL. SHE is sitt.ing smiling to herself as HUGO comes on L3 )
.

IB

oNE HUNDRED

wAys BALLET (orchestra-)


HUGO

Miss Alvarez, but, I'm looking for Kim MacAfee. I just want to tell her that she is not to kiss Conrad Birdie on that Sullivan Show tonight because if she does, I'1l-. . . . (ROSIE hasn't moved) Miss A1varez .. . . fs anything wrong?
. . . .Excuse me,

Miss Alvarez ! It,' s you, Miss Alvarez?


(

(He becomes alarmed) me ! Hugo Peabody !


ROS

Can f do anything f or

Slowly t,urning and looking at him) . . . .Yes, Hugo , I think you can. BLACKOUT N r.v.
THEME (r'axFARE) - (orchest,ra)

IE

1,-9-53
50

ACT

ONE
9

Scene

VOICE

In t,he darkness, the is heard. . .


,

ED SULLIVAN

remember: Your surest way t,o the best, in color slides is to insist on the new Kodak ! And now, the young man you've aII been wait, ing to see . As you know, in j ust about f ourteen hours, one of show business' brightest talents is going off to play a Very special engagement. And tonight, before he gioes, he wants to leave a cert,ain lucky young lady wit,h One Last Kiss. Ladies and gentlemen, we take you to Sweet App1e, Ohio, where a t,ypical American f amity, Mr. and Mrs. Harry MacAf ee and their children, Rdndolph and Kim, are gathered to bid farewell to a typical American soldier. . . . Conrad Birdie ! (As the VOICE beqins, the followinq takes nlace verv rapidl-y:
. . . . So

SULLIVA}T

STAGE HAND quickly enters SL3 (ten or twelve feet behind them) and Xes to SL3 and, with FOURTH STAGE HAND, brings second curtained frame from SL,3 and places it DSR. FIRST AUDIO MAN enters SR3 and SECOND AUDIO lfi\N enters SR1 wit,h boom. FIRST MAN Xes DS and THEY do audio-test,ing bit.

The LIGHTS come up , a pipe of TV lights f ties in in land the No. 3 Brown Border flies out, to reveal that we are again Backstage at the Central Movie Theatre. The TV STAGE MJ\NAGER rusheS on St2 To E. TWO STAGE HANDS bring red-curt,ained frame from SR3 and place it on marks DSL, remaining in front of frame. THIRD

FIRST WARDROBE WOMAN enters wit,h costumes f rom SL3, Xes to C to SM, who calls SECOND WARDROBE WOMiUI from SL1. SECOND WOMAN takes costumes from FIRST, Xes U and out SR3. FIRST WOMiU{ Xes and out SL1 . ThC FTRST TWb STAGE I{ANDS XC ANd OUT SL3
O

The QUaRTETTE of TOWNSPEOPLE enter SR2 and XDS. SM takes them behind SL curtain frame. FIRST TWO STAGE I{ANDS re - enter SL3 with " Present Day" f lat which they open and set behind DSR frame. THIRD and FOURTH STAGE IANDS go t,o SLz for "RevoLut,ionary War'l flat which they open and set behind SL frame. MR. and MRS . MacAFEE, RANDOLPH and KIM enter SLI- . SM hurries them behind SR f rame. MAYOR'S WIFE (one of quartette ) comes from behind SL frame to C asking a guestion. SM pushes HER back. WARDROBE WOMAN

1-9-54
6T

ent,ers SR with comb and X to MacAFEE' s to do hair touchups. WARDROBE WOMAN re-ent,ers SL3, X t,o MacAFEE's and FIRST WORDROBE WOMJU{ re-ent,ers SR3 and X t,o MacAFEE' s .
STAGE HAND stands by to pull curtain of SR frame. AUDIO MEN push SM hurries to move boom int,o place. boom C. SM quiets group. STAGE HAND goes to SL2 and

returns with hand mike which HE t,akes DC for CONRAD j ust as SULLIVAN VOf CE ends with t'Conrad Birdie . "
)

Where' s Ed?

(sticking head between drapes of SR f rame) T.v.


THEME (TaNFARE)

MR.

IvIacAFEE

(continued)

(f'anFARE. SM motions CONRAD, dressed in green-sequinned Army unif orm , from SRI-, places him in f ront, of SR f rame, cues drapes open and cues CONRAD t,o sing. KIM is in R of frame, RANDOLPH next to HER, MRS. MacAFEE seated next t,o HIM, and MR. MacAFEE stands to HER L. THEY are costumed sweet, Americana and the f lat behind t hem is a t,ypical Mid-western small-town home)

''ONE LAST KISSII

OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS, IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

oH, oNE LAST KISS, I

(singitg)

CONRAD

NEED YOUR LOVE,


!

UH UH

OH,

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

toward

(SU cues KIM to step DR; CONRAD moves


HER

during the following:


!

OH, ONE MORE TIME,

OH BABY, ONE MORE TIME

(es CONRAD moves R, HE clears MR. MacAFEE who, subtly at firsL, begins to be aware HE is on TV. HE nudges MRS. MacAFEE. First a smif e, then a slight wave of HIS hand)
OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME,
YOU KNOW

IT REALLY IS I
OH,

SUBLIME,

NEED YCUR LOVE,


I

UH UH

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

1,-9-55
62
(COIURAD slow1y moves back L and MR. MacAFEE moves MRS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH further R so

that

CONRAD

doesn't cover
CONRAD

HIM)

(Continued)

. . . . AA . . . . AA . . . . AA . . . BY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ! BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !
BA

OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS !

IT

NEVER FELT LTKE THTS,

(Un. MacAFEE can rest,rain himself no longer. HE steps down bet,ween KIM and CONRAD and waves a big hello)
NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

UH UH OH,

NEED YOUR LOVE,


!

GIMME ONE LAST KISS

behind SL frame to DC. While the QUARTETTE sing, the WARDROBE LADIES rush on and change costumes of IvIacAFEE' s to Revolut ionary War era. Stooping to be out, of camera range, CONRAD moves above QUARTETTE t,o stand in front of SL frame)
MALE QUANTETTE TURN BACK HIST'RY'S PAGES ! GO BACK THROUGH THE AGES !

(SU cues cut of song , Lhe curtain closes and HE cues QUARTETTE who have come from

SEE HOW BRAVE SOLDIER BOYS OF

(fgnY move R to stand in front of SR frame)

YORE

(tutacAFEE FAMILY are headed L to behind SL frame excepL MR. MacAFEE who escapes happi ly t o j oin CONRAD be low f rame . STAGE HAI{D grabs HIM and pushes HIM behind frame with f ami ly)

SATD GOODBYE WHEN THEY WENT OFF TO ....WENT OFF TO WAR,...WENT OFF TO

WAR,
WAR.,

(ROSIE dashes in SLI- with HUGO, stations Hf M j ust R of SR f rame to pu1 I Crapes and SHE exit s SR)

L-9-55
63

. . . .WENT OFF TO
(QUARTETTE

WAR

raise lef t arms on f inal word. cues cut -of f of t.heir song; cues HUGO to raise drapes and cues CONRAD to sing. MR. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH wear Revolutionary War uniforms and white wigs and the WOMEN are in aprons and bonneLs. The f lat, behind them shows a murky troubled sky and a red angry sunseL
SM
)

CONRAD

OH, ONE LAST KTSS,

(Stt cues KIM

DL) KTSS,

OH, GIMME ONE LAST

(Sltt cues CONRAD toward KIM. MR. MacAFEE gestures SM for permission to move down. SM gesLures rrnorr. MR. MacAFEE is temporarily dashed. . .
)

LIKE THIS, (Iutoving L t,oward KIM) NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS !
NEVER FELT YOU KNOW

IT

NEED YOUR LOVE,


CONRAD)

KIM and
UH UH
OH,

(Un. MacAFEE, smiling, ffioves bet,ween

(He j aunt,ily slaps


GIMME ONE LAST KTSS
(COIURAD
!

CONRAD

on shoutder)
R.

SM

angrily shakes HIM of f and moves signals KIM to follow CONRAD)

OH, ONE MORE TIME !

UH UH

OH, HONEY, SO SUBLIME, YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, (Mn . MacAFEE taps Kf M' s shoulder HER to move L so HE can take HER SHE obj ects, but does so)
!

oH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME ! (ffU Moves R) IT REALLY IS SUBLIME,

and s ignal s place.

OH, GTMME ONE LAST KTSS

1-9-57
64

(Un. MacAFEE moves down. CONRAD f orces a smile as HE sings t,hrough clenched teet,h. MR . MacAFEE , smi l ing engagingly at, camera begins a jaunty lit,t1e dance st,ep)
BA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . AA. . . . BY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ! BA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .AA. . . .BY, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS !

into a wild step; Lries to hit HIM but drapes are closed and WARDROBE PEOPLE pull MR. MacAFEE back through t,hem. CONRAD argues with SM unt, i I SM indicat,es HE i s lat,e f or next shot, . CONRAD dashes DC. QUARTETTE is CS above HIM. The SL frame has been moved UC and STAGE HANDS bring flat on which are painted a group of flags to SC as backing f or f inal vignet te )
MacAFEE breaks
CONRAD

(Un.

(as

OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIMME ONE LAST KISS ! IT NEVER FELT LIKE THTS, NO, NEVER FEIT LIKE THIS !
YOU KNOW

TEENAGERS

sing 'rAaaah" in background)

CONRAD

(Continued)

NEED YOUR LOVE,


!

UH UH

OH,

GIMME ONE I,AST KISS

(SfX TEEN COUPLES have come down on either side of CONRAD to f orm a V. RANDOLPH and MRS. MacAFEE have followed them and stand just R of C. MR. MacAFEE then comes in firmly held bet,ween t,wo BRAWNY MEMBERS of the QUARTETTE. MRS. MacAFEE hastily spreads her skirt, trying t,o conceal HIS imprisoned wrists )

ALL (PNINCIPALS,
ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, OH , GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS, oH, GrvE ME ONE,
!

QUARTETTE, TEENS)

LAST....

(rcf U has ent,ered L2 to C and DS t,o CONRAD' s right . Music silent pause for dialogue
)

L-9-58
65
CONRAD

. . . . Okay,

brace yourself, chick (gn Lakes HER in HIS arms. HUGO who is right beside them, can bear no more)
I

Brace yourseJ-f, Conrad Birdie ! (He hits HrM; coNRAD goes

HUGO

down)

Hugo! You hit him!


(

KTM

He deserved it I (I(fU dashes of f

fn f

ront, of

HUGO

cameras ) He was a. . . Et Thief


L1

of Love ! , followed by HUGO)


I

Hugo Peabody, I never want to speak to you again

KIM

(UnS. MacAFEE and


DOCTOR

ALBERT

RANDOLPH dash of f L1 . is attending CONRAD on floor SC. enters and comes D t,hrough frame C) ALBERT

(Fighting HIS way t,hrough CROWD) f demand to know who's responsible for t,his ! Who Iet, that kid in here?
(Who

I did Albert
Rosie

has appeared

ROS

IE
DR)

(Crossing down to
!

ALBERT
HER)

It,'s a sort, of f arewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. it in good healt,h. (ana SHE start s out R
)

ROSIE

Wear

Frant i cal ly ) Rosie I come back ! You can' t leave me here alone
(

ALBERT

You' re not alone, Albert . You' re on t,el-evision ! (SHg exits R.. ALL f re eze. And ALBERT

RCS

realizes what' s happened. Suddenly HE turns on a da zzTing TV smile t,hen sings desperately tc :he television audience. . .

L-9-59
65

(es HE tries .ooli:l5 in f ront fallen CONRAD) FOR HE,S A FINE, UPSTAI.IDING,
PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICA}il BOY.

of the

(fhe SM has been dashing about frantically trying to get rid of the DOCTOR, to get CONRAD on HIS feet, to get CROWD to sing. THEY join ALBERT. . .
)

FoR HE,S A FINE, UPSffi*DING,


PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMJ\IJ AMERICAI{ BOY !

(as CURTAIN IS DEScENDING, MRS. PETERSoN starts doggedly in from L, clumps over to ALBERT and beams adoringly at HER Sonny-boy as MR. MacAFEE throws a tremendous Dinah Shore kiss to audience. . . . )
ENp OF ACT-ONq

2-L-!
67

ACT

TWO

PROLOGUE

ENTR'Acrq

"A" (orchestra)
LIGHTS DIM, ENTR'ACTE begins as on screen we go Lo. . .
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS MEAXTS OF

Beginning with stock shot,s of newsboys selling extras, telephone operators plugging wires into switchboards, telegraph wires humming. . . getting wilder and wilder as we go to stock shot of Wal l- St reet, in 1929 with everybody huddling around ticker tapes; wdr-time groups secretly listening to radios, lady receiving telegram and fainting; pi lot being handed message , t,hen rushing t,o t,hat, f amous cl ip of a canvas seven-winged bi -p1ane circa L9I2 , taking of f , then quiet, Iy folding up into nothing; so on anC so forth, 9tting progressively j erkier and more old- fashioned speed as montage progresses. Building to climax as music does the same. erash of music.
COMMUNICATION.

BLACKOUT M ''8'' (orchestra w/TEEN GrRLS) NOTE: In case film proj ection is not feasible, use ENTR'ACTE B in place of above.
ENTR'ACrE

(From pit with orchest,ra) WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH, YES WE DO ! wE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE !
WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ! oH, coNRAD, WE LOVE YOU.

TEENS

(Orchestra aI f ine )

2-L-2
68

ACT

Scene

TWO 1

up on KIM'S BEDROOM IN MacAFEE HOME. Music up as ROSIE sits disconsolately on edge of t,he bed.
^L/
rr

At end of

ENTR'ACTE, CURTAIN goes

WI{AT

DID I

EVER SEE

IN

HIM? ''

. . .That's right, the heIl with you! From now on it's just going to be me, Rosie, orr the town, singing, dancing, having a ball, making up f or eight years of being in love with a Mammaclutching , aspirin- split,t,ing six f oot tower of Jello ! (enA SHE heaves f irst suitcase on bed and begins t,hrowing clothes wildly into it ) WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? HOW DID I EVER GET IIIVOLVED THAT WAY? NOW THAT IT, S OVER I CAI\T SMILE A\TD SAY, WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?

ROS IE EIGHT YEARS ! EIGHT YEARS ! THAT'S HOW LONG I WASTED ON HIM... THAT'S ALL ! I'M THROUGH ! ALBERT DEAR, TO PUT IT SWEETLY: TO HELL WITH YOU ! (nises, goes above bed)

BOY, I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB ! NOW THAT r M SAFETY ON THE GROUND AGAIN, NOW THAT MY SENSES HAVE BEEN FOUND AGAIN, WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?

IS HE TENDER? NO, HE'S NOT ! rs HE THOUGHTFUL? NO, HE',S NOT ! AM I CRAZY? I^II{AT, S HE GOT THAT I FOUND SO DA}4N APPEALING?
WI{AT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME? WELL, TO BE HONEST, HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE, BUT STTLL IT WASN'T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE !

IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START, BROKEN DATES, BROKEN HOW DID I EVER, WHY DID I EVER, WI{AT DID I EVER. .

NAILS,

BROKEN HEART...

2-r-3
69

(ena SHE is so angry, SHE can't go olt. KIM has come in at end of above and now tries to comfort ROSIE. Music silent pause for dialogue)

Don't be upset, Miss Alvarez . AlI men can't be like that


ROS

KIM

IE Every one of theml Except maybe Albert Schwettzer. And I'm not his type. They're aII the same. From puberty to senility. . . from Benedict Arnold t,o Mussolini. . .

I never understood why Ingrid Bergman married him in t,he first, place. Egotistical, selfish human beasts
KIM
ROS

KIM

IE

Then what are we poor women to do, Miss Alvarez?

Use them!

(Xing t,o above bed)

ROS

IE

(uusic vamp in) Let them be our playthings I While we live ! Sip from the cup of life I Mix the potion full strong and drain it to the dregs ( SHg s lams down I id of sui t case Music out for next line) ...How do you like them apples, Mr:. Peterson!
.

DO WE NEED THEM? NO, WE DON'T! DO WE WAIUT THEM? NO, WE DON'T!


KIM

KIM &

ROS

IE

WTLL WE LEAVE THEM?


ROS

NO, WE WON',T ! TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? KIM & ROSIE WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM? HOW COUTD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE TAKE IT FROM US, WE'VE PAID A}il AWFUL PRICE! IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START, BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NA]LS, BROKEN HEART... WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN. . .

IE

2-r-4
70

Hugo F. Peabody!
Hah?

KIM
ROS

IE

Hugo

! What, did I ever see in him? Why, he' s as bad as Mr. Peterson if not worse !
. . . Miss

KIM

Alvarez, f 'm coming with you


ROS

(Suddenly)

Kim, don't be ridiculous ! You're only fifteen Ju1iet was fourteen when she left
ROS

IE

KIM

home.

And look vrhat happened to her ! Now look, Kim, why don't you have some milk and cookies and go to bed like a. . . t,oo late for cookies, Miss Alvarezl I want, to livel We' 1I sip the dregs together I We' 11 help each other with our pot ions !

IE

It's

KIM

JN H_rM - UNpERSCoRE (orchesr,ra) (But ROSIE has already fled in terror out the door and down the stairs as LIGHTS COME UP to reveal. . . )
sEE

2-2-5
71-

ACT

TWC
2

Scene

DOWNSTAIRS IN TI{E MacAFEE HOUSE. As ROSIE starts downstairs, noise is heard outside and CONRAD sLarts in front door, followed by ALBERT and MRS . PETERSON. . . aII babbling.

(as HE enters) . . . For t,he last t,ime, AIberL , I 'm okay and I don' t, f eel like getting into bed! Now leave me alone !

CONRAD

(es CONRAD starts toward kitchen R) Conrad, be reasonable! You've had a severe shock and the best thing to do is get upst,airs and (Un turns to point t,o stairs and sees
There she is I The traitor heart while my back was turnedl
. . . Aha I
ROS

ALBERT

IE

t,hat stabbed me in

t,he

(Trying to get past Get out of my way, Albert.

ROS

IE
HIM)
PETERSON

(Moving L to stand between THEM) Be careful, sonny! She may be armed!

MRS.

(By this time, CONRAD has grabbed can of beer) I can handle her, Mamma. (CONRAD Xes L to stairs; opening can of beer, it squirts up in t,he

ALBERT

You go upstairs with Conrad and see that he get,s into bedl
(UnS

air)

PETERSON

starts up sLairs
MRS.
PETERSON

af t er

CONRAD)

Wait f or me, Conrad ! I' 11 make you a nice hrct cup of


terramycin.

A1bert, for the last time, will you let me byl I': gioing on the town tonight, and I don't want to waste a:o::e: r.inute
I

ROS

IE

2-2-6
72 ALBERT

(Quickly closing front door) Not until I 've had my say, Rose . I j ust want, to let you know that t,hanks to Mamma's quick thinking, Lhe kiss will take place af t,er al l- . Tomorrow morning at, the rai lroad stat ion j ust, before Conrad leaves. . (Ve ry sat i s f ied with HIMSELF ) . . . So it looks l ike you' ve f ai Ied, Rose . As anyone must, f ai I who tries to buck A1 Peterson, one of the giants, the titans, one of the King Kongs of the music industry.
. .

E,

(lnusic comes up as ALBERT cont,inues boast,ing about what, a world leader HE is, in pantomime, and ROSIE j ust looks at HIM as SHE sings. . . ) WHAT DID T EVER SEE IN HTM? II REPRISE
WHAT DTD T EVER SEE IN HIM? HOW COULD T EVER THINK THAT HE WAS NICE? TAKE IT FROM ME I'VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE ! IT WAS ROUGH, FROM THE START, BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART...
ROS

IE

. . .Ar'r. Empire

(af oud)

ALBERT

builCer!

A Colosseus

(ana ROSIE has had enough)


Out,

of

with a suitcase. "@j-" he yel-ls ROS IE strikes out t,he door) WHAT DID I EVER SEE. . IN HIM
.

ROS IE my way. . .you def rocked English teacher! (ana SHE let,s HIM have it, in the arm

as

(ROSIE hurries HER and window)

after

left as ALBERT limps bellcws off L through


ALBERT

Rosie , eome back ! Do you hear me? This is King Kongr calling Rosie ! Rosie, I need you. Rosie, please come back !

ROSiC! ...(AS

enter f rom R, ALBERT'S t,one immediately changes


)

MACAFEES ANd RANDOLPH

2-2 -7
73

,..And I don'L care how you plead and beg, Miss Alvarezt you're through here at, A1maelou ! Not, only do I accept your res ignat ion, but f urt,hermore you' re f ired . And j ust remember one more thing. Sticks and st,ones will break my bones but, names will never harm me. You big rat (es HE starts back from window) Sorry to do t,his in f ront of you , folks, but I've had to let Miss Alvarez go. ( Phone rings T' 11 get Lhat,
. )
.

ALBERT (Continued)

Probably Hong Kong again.

MR. MacAFEE
ALBERT

(Picking up phone) Hello, this is Albert, Peterson speaking ! I 'm sorry, Mr . Lew- s but Miss Rose Alvarez is no longer with us. That' s right .
.

(through t,he l-ast, KIM , el-utching a heavy suitcase, has appeared at the head of t,he The following is interspersed as stairs. SHE st.art s down and ALBERT cont inues on the phone in pantomime)
.

Miss Alvarez

Wait for

KIM
me
!

I'm coming

MR. MacAFEE And where do you think you're going , yeung lady?

With Rosie
Upstairs

To drain deep t,he dregs and sip ful1 hearty brimming cup. To live !
!

KIM

t,he

MR. MacAFEE
.

But, Daddy. . . Upst,airs


. . .Do

KIM

MR. MacAFEE
. .

(then burst ing out,) you hear me? I said. . (Controlled again) Upstairs. Miss Alvarez was right Mussol-ini. . .
KTM
!

You're aII the

same.

From puberty to

2-2-8
74

...What's that? You dare to say 'puberty' in front of your own f at,her? Not to mention Mussolini? Doris . . . we've f ailed as parents (Hg f aIls into MRS . MacAFEE' S arms ) I never asked for much from my children. Just respect. A Iit,t, Ie respect. That's all I asked for. Respect . But did I get respect? I did not get respect. I got no respect.
!

MR. MacAFEE

I respect, you,
(

RANDCTPH
Pr
,

(as THEY disappear) And respect was the third. . .

! You' re a chi ld . What, good is I don' t respect from a child ! Doris, take me upstairs, I'm not a well mall . ". (es THEY start up) . . . Certain words I didn't want to hear in t,his house . Puberty was t,he f irsL. . . and Mussolini was the second. .
.

Snarl ing ) want, your respect

MR. MacAFEE

(Stil1 on phone. Aloud) , . . Now l-ook here , Mr . Lewis , no three - cent reporter can bulldoze me ! I happen Lo be Albert J. Pet,erson and you can print t,hat in whatever cheap paper you happen to represent ! ( Pause It's not a paper, it's a magazine. (another pause) And it's not Mr. Lewis... (sof t ly) It's Mr. Luce. (Then with a wail as HE hangs up) ...Rosie, T need you!
)

ALBERT

MRS. PETERSON (From head of sLairs as ALBERT to door) Sonnyboy! Where are you going?

starts

Nowheres, Mamma. Just out .

ALBERT

thought. . .
. . . To
f

It' s stuffy in here so I


back
!

look for Rosie,

(Bravely)

Mamma

! I love her and I want her


PETERSON

s that, al l ? I thought it was something serious . By all means, sonny, f ind your Lady of Spain and bring her back here. (SgP crosses into kitchen) And by the way, dear, when you get back be sure to stop in the kitchen, take my head out, of t,he oven, and t,urn off the gas. . .

MRS.

2-2-9
75

(SUB has Lurned on gds, now get,s down on HER knees and ca1mly st,icks HER head in the oven)

(Crossing over and pulling


Mamma
!

ALBERT

HER out)

(Stopping to turn off gas ) It's a strange house. I don' t, want Lo run up a bill.

MRS.

PETERSON

I've had enough of this! If you realIy l-oved me, you' d help me f ind Rosie before it's t,oo late . Don' t, you real rze what' s happened? That poor girl-' s gone out to make up for all the years she wast,ed on me. Who knows what low dive she' s in at this very moment.
Mamma,

ALBERT

Oh, sonny, you' re right ! f '11 help you f ind her. bett,er give you the message from Conrad firsL. . .
What message?
ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

Only

maybe

Nothing t,o worry about, darling. He just says he's going out tonight, and he doesn' t think he' 11 get back on time to kiss Kim tomorrow...
Mamma, why

MRS.

PETERSON

didn't you teIl

ALBERT

me this before!
PETERSON

I tried to, darling sweet,heart, but you certain party from South of the Border.
Shout ing upst,airs ) I don' t, know what ' s t,he mat ter with him ! this means to me ! Conrad.! Conrad!
(

MRS.

kept,

bringing up

ALBERT

He knows how much

Take it easy ! f'm coming. . . (ana CONRAD, dressed in t ight j eans , leather j acket and booLs, st,arts downstairs ) ...And before you start hollering, Albeyt, I just want you to know I made up my mind! I'm tired of getting up at nine every morning, having people watch me when I eat , and let t. ing kids poke me in t,he eye . I wanna have some fun I Go out ! Meet a couple of young chicks ! Don' t, you understand, Albert . I anr
t,ense
!

CONRAD'S VOICE

2-2-10
76 ALBERT

Mamma,

don't just stand there! Do something!


MRS.
PETERSON

(Pfanting HERSELF sexily in front of the door) Conrad, did you ever think in terms of a more mature (SHg shows a bit of shoulder)
CONRAD

woman?

Man

, T hope I never geL lhAt tense ! (as HE goes to RC) ...Now look, buddy boy, this is my last free night before I into the Army, and I am going ouF
!

go

You can't go out without my permission! It says so in your contractl Mamma, gL the cont,ract. It's in my... Never mind,

(Goes to

AI,BERT
CONRAD)

I' LI get it myself. (es HE charges upstairs) . . . Conrad, you stay right here
!

(l"lusic comes up)


Nrt
tt

MRS.

PETERSON

Conrad. . .

(SHE shyly shows HIM a bit of ankle, then is embarrassed and hurries out the door, UR)
CONRAD

THERE ARE CHICKS, JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSTN'! ADilD I MEAI\T TO KISS ME A FEW ! [4AN, THOSE CHICKS DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN' I GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO !

STZZLIN' STEAKS ! ALL READY FOR TASTIN'! AND THERE'S CADILLACS...ALL SHINEY AIID
GOTTA MOVE, CAUSE TIIVIE IS A-WASTIN'! THERE'S SUCH A l,OT OF LIVIN' TO DO!
COME

NEW!

(And HE moves out of t,he house as ITIGHTS UP on a defiant KIM in HER bedroom)

2-2-11
77

KIM THERE ARE MEN OF NINETEEN OR TWENTY WHO ARE SUAVE AI.ID RECKLESS AI\TD TRUE OLDER MEN, WHO'LL GTVE A GIRL PTENTY ! I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO I

(By now the MacAFEE HOUSE is moving of f , and we find OURSELVES. . . )

2-3

-r2
7B

ACT

TWO

Scene

IN THE STREETS OF SWEET APPLE.

'rA

Lor oF l,rvrN' To Do'' (continued)


CONRAD

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY! PLACES TO GO! PEOPLE TO SEE ! EV'RYTHING. . .


FOR YOU AI\TD ME !

Music continues under dialogue) Hey, you kids Live here, don't you? Yes, Mr. Birdie.
DEBORAH SUE

(Hg SeeS

DEBORAH SUE

and ALICE.

What's the lowdown on this town?


Sweet, Apple
who

CONRAD

, Ohio, was f ounded in


CONRAD

DEBORAH SUE

1.852

by Jeremiah

. Apple

I mean, what do you do here ? Where do you go t,o have a bal l ?


Wel

I , t,here ' s t,he church basement and t,he Sweet Shoppe , and the older kids go to t,he ice house.

ALICE

What,'

s t,here?

CONFAD

I don' t, know. Ic, I guess

ALICE
.

(Entering L) j ust so happens, Mr . Birdie, that the ice house j-s where It people go when they want to be alolte.
Hey

KIM

, ain't you the chick I was supposed to kiss?


KIM

CONRAD

I am not a chick. I am a fu1ly grown woman and I insist, on being treated as such. As a mat,ter of fact, that's why I'm leaving home

2-3-13
79
CONRAD
!

Now

you're talking, Chick (Un takes HER arm) Come on, l-et's move ! We got things to
CONRAD

do

(Through the f ol lowing t,he SWEET APPLE KIDS gradually gather and j oin in as

sings)

CRAZY CLOTHES ! AI\TD MOTOR BOAT RACES

CONRAD & THREE GIRLS SOMEONE NICE TO CUDDLE UP TO! BROADWAY LIGHTS ! A}ilD WIDE-OPEN SPACES ! THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO!

(uore KIDS j oin

THEM)

LOTS OF DATES, A\ID NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU! LOOP THE LOOP A}TD LAUGH AT THE VIEW !
MOONLIGHT SWIMS, AITD SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU! YEAII ! WE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO
CONRAD

WOW !

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY!


KIDS YOU KNOW TT!
CONRAD

PLACES TO GO! YOU KNOW

IT!
!

KIDS
CONRAD

PEOPLE TO SEE EV'RYTHING. . .


YEAII

KIDS
!

CONRAD

FOR YOU AIVD ME !

IF ONLY YOU KNOW TT! AI$D TT'S ALL JUST WAITING FOR YOU!

OH, LIFE'S A BALL,

ALL

2-3-L4
80

ALL YOU'RE ALIVE ! SO COME ON AND SHOW IT! OH, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING, SUCH A LOT OF LIVING, WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO
(Uus ic s i

lent, pause f or dialogue


MAYOR'S WIFE

A1ice, where are you? You know you were told to go straight bed! A1 ice!
!

(off

uR)

to

(I(IDS freeze at the sound of HER voice, then Music picks up scatter in all- directiorls. underscoring dialogue into next vocal )
MR. JOHNSON (Coming UC from L) Harvey Johnson , I want, you home this Einut,e (Un exit s DL)
MRS.
MERKLE

(Bntering DR and exiting UC and R) Do you hear me, Dborah Sue? Mother's calling you, Deborah Sue ! Deborah Sue
!

(Last TWO KIDS almost run over HER as THEY dash of f DR. FIARVEY JOHNSON dashes across from UC and out DL. CONRAD is alone on stage for a second and then the KIDS return, led by KIM)
CONRAD

THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY! PLACES TO GO! PEOPLE TO SEE ! EV'RYTHING. . .


KIDS
YEAI{
!

CONRAD

FOR YOU A\TD ME !

, LIFE'S A BALL ! rF ONLY YOU KNOW TT A}TD IT'S ALL JUST WAITING
OH
!

CONRAD ANd KIDS

FOR YOU! YOU'RE ALIVE ! SO COME ON A\TD SHOW IT ! oH, wE'vE GOT A LOT OF LrVrN' , SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' ,

2-3-15
81
CONRAD
!

WHAT

A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO oo oo oo oo oo

& KIDS (Continued)

(ena Two BY Two, the KrDs spin of f Last to go are CONRAD and KIM, who dash off DR as HUGO call-s after
.

Kim

Kim , come back ! Kim. . . (Ana HE turns around and st,arts L

HUGO

aS CORNER Of MACAFEE HOUSE COMCS ON L and MR. MacAFEE st,eps out )


MR. MacAFEE
you?

Kim

! Kim, where are (Seeing HUGO) ...Hugo, have you seen Kim?

(Xing to C) Don't ask me. Ask Conrad Birdie. .


(xing to HIM) What are you talking about?

HUGO

MR. MacAFEE

They're ouL together having moonlight swims and mot,orboat, races and loop - the - loop I I ' m going to do t,he only sens ible t,hing Drink myself to death. . (Un Xes U and off L)
. .

HUGO

Moonlight ...Doris,

through this) get my gun.

swims . . . Motorboat, races . . . Loop-the- loop (fo MRS. MacAFEE who comes out,

MR. MacAFEE

(coming ouL of house ) Mr. MacAfee, you haven't seen Conrad, have you?

ALBERT

No, but I intend seeing him, Mr . Pet,erson. So if you have a message, I'11 be glad to deliver it right afLer I shoot him.
Shoot him !
Rosie ! I've goL to find Rosie (Hg dashes of f )
MRS. MacAFEE
ALBERT
!

MR. MacAFEE

Dear, what are you talking about? You know you don't have
gun
!

2-3-15
82

There's that Daisy Air Rif Le in t,he garage.


That' s
(Who has come mine, Pd.

MR.

MacAFEE

out of t,he house )


MR. MacAFEE

RANDOLPH

You shut up !

(xing C) I wonder where I can buy beebees this late at night. . . , it's broken, dear. . .
MRS. MacAFEE

Anyway

Then get me anything! wat,er gun


!

Mr. MacAFEE That bow and arrow I bought you last Christmas with the suction tipsI Don't just stand there! My daughter has run off to loop-the-loop with a fiend I Get me a
(UnS. MacAFEE and
RANDOLPH

go into house)

'rKrDs"

MR. MacAFEE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S KIDS TODAY !


KIDS
!

KIDS

WRONG

WITH THESE

WHO CA}U UNDERSTA\TD AI{YTHING THEY SAY

LOAFERS A}UD WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUB.JECT,

NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY

KIDS ! THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT, DISRESPECTFUL OAFS


!

KIDS ! YOU CA\T TALK AAID TALK FACE IS BLUE !


KTDS
!

TILL

YOUR

BUT THEY STTLL DO JUST WHAT THEY WAI{T TO DO !


WHY CA\I'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY ! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY!

MR.. & MRS. MacAFEE


KTDS !

2-3-L7
83
(

Instrumental )
MR. MacAFEE

f don't mind the moonlight swims; itrs hurts !


BOTH

the l-oop-the-Ioop that,

KTDS

Why

don't they lower the draft age. . . Lo about eleven?


BOTH

MR. MacAFEE

KIDS

I didn't

MR. MacAFEE know what, puberty was until f was almost past, it
BOTH

TO CONTROL!
KIDS
!

KIDS ! THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE

WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES


ROCK AIUD ROLL WHY
CAI\T '
!

A]\TD THEIR

THEY DAI\TCE

LIKE WE DTD?

IN A

MR. MacAFEE
ROMANTIC WAY?
RANDOLPH
!

Hey, Pop, here ' s my pea- shooter

(Comes

out of house)

A pea-shooter? What good's a. . .


BOTH

MR. MacAFEE

Give it to
!

me

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS

TODAY

(tUnY dash of f R.

RANDOLPH

exits

L)

BLACKOUT

KrDS

cHA\TGE (orchestra)

13

2-4-l-8
84

ACT

Scene

TWO 4

In one of Sweet Apple' s rrlow dives " . . .MAUDE' S ROADSIDE RETREAT, which is proclaimed on neon-sign. We notice sign above bar that says NO MINORS SERVED. Also , a door leading to a room UC, a small bar. HUGO, trying to look casual, saunters over to bar and sits on stool . BARTENDER ignores HIM, continues polishing glasses .
Music fades out.

I' 11 have a double rocks on the scotch. And put in it t,h:-s t.ime. Can you make me a vodka malted?
,.
.

HUGO

some rocks

How

old are

BARTENDER

you?
HUGO

(Taking no chances)
32.

BARTENDEF.,

Get, ouL

What about a beer? Beat, it


.

HUGO

BARTENDER

.fust let me sit here with an empty glass in front of


BARTENDER

HUGO

me.

Out.

I demand t,o See the

HUGO

manager

. Where' S Maude ?

f'm Maude, Charles F. Maude. (Comes around bar to HUGO) you're not out of here in one minut,e, I'1l . . .And if by t,he scruf f of t,he neck and t,hrow you out,
!

BARTENDER

take you

2-4-19
B5

Okay, I

going.. (Xes L, Lhen turns) ...This is t,he last time I do my drinking in thi
' fil
.

HUGO

place

ROSIE, st,i11 lugging t,he two suit,cass,


ROS

exits. At the exact. sLart,s in from R)


(HUGO

same momeot,

(as SHE dumps suitcases and st,rides to bar) . . . Double bourbon, scot.ch on the side , rro ice , and a che rry in it ! Make that t,wo cherries ! And bring on the dancing boys I Alvayez is t,he name but, I want you t,o call me Spanish Rose ! Siboney...Da da da da, da da da da da, da dum dum dum!
Spanish
MAUDE

IE

Rose
ROS

si.
Get ouL.
Now

IE

MAUDE

wait a minute ! You can' t throw me out, ! I 'm an American citi zerL and it' s my qonst,it,utional right t,o have a drink here if I so choose and get loaded here if I so choose and do any manner of wild and trashy things here if I so choose I This is Spanish Rose's coming out party and when I say coming out I
mean coming out,
*
!

ROS

IE

That, means t,heret


* No! *
Mamars
^

a man involved. . ROS IE A mamat s boy. And she hates


s

MAUDE

me

boys'

mamas

always do.

MAUDF

So

'whatts the problem?

6A/Spervrsu nosE [Revised]


SPA}TISH TAII'U\LE, SHE LOVES TO SAY, RIGHT OFF A BOAT FROM THE TROPICS FAR, FAR AWAY... WHICH IS KTNDA FUNNY, SINCE I COME FROM ROMANTIC, EXOTIC. PITTSBURGH, P.A. !

I IM JUST A

ROS

IE

She thinks I fm too Spanish

I ever marry that mouse--

Oh

, eould I show her Spanish !

If

L5

2-4-19a
85a
COOK THE TACO AND THE ENCHILADA A\TD DAY AI\TD NIGHT MY CASTA}UETS WILL CLICK THE ONLY SONG I'LL STNG WILL BE ''GRANADA, II I'LL BE SO SPAI\TISH IT WILL MAKE HER SICK!
SHE I LL VISIT IN OUR COZY HACIENDA, MY RED-HOT CHILI, IT ' LL MAKE HER CRY, THE DAIQUIRIS WILL POUR OUT OF MY BLENDA, A\TD THEN WE DANCE THE FLAMENCO, AI AI AI !

I I LL

ROSIE (Cont'd)

WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD SPA}UISH ROSE, THE WICKEDEST FLOWER TI{AT GROWS !

HER SKIRT SHE IS SPLIT, HER HIPS NEVER QUTT, TFIAT SPITFIRE, SPA\TISH ROSE !

MRS . P, BE MY MJ\}fl\CITA, REAL LATINA DAUGHTER I WILL BE, TCGETHER WE WILL SHOP AT THE BODEGA, AI\TD WATCH THE SPAI\TISH CHANNEL ON TV. .

HEY,

HOLA!

A}TD THEN BEFORE LONG

YOUILL HELP US PICK OUT BABY CLO'ES,


FOR JUAAT AND ENRIQUE, ROSA, AI\TITA, JOSE A}TD CARMEN, JESUS, CONSUELO- MJ\MJ\, YOU CA\] BET YOUR BOTTOM PESO SOMEDAY I MAKE HIM ONE TERRIFIC WIFE, IT GIVES ME MUCHO HAPPINESS TO SAY SO: WTTH ME YOUR SONNYBOY COULD HAVE A LTFE

SUPPOSE,

SO BOYS, NOW YOU I VE MET SPA}TISH ROSE, THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS, r I M WILD A}TD T 'M FREE, I IM WHAT I MUST BE, TBOUT DON I T WORRY ME- SPA}TISH ROSE !

(The phone rings.


o

MAUDE

picks up the phone. )

MAUDE

. . Yeah?

(l,ight,s up on

ALBERT
ALBERT

in the

MACAFEE l-iving

room,

SL)

Hell-o , t his is Albert, J. Peterson speaking. t,here ?


MAUDE

Is Rose Alvarez

Who?

Wait a second, I t.hink


please
.

t.haL ' s

ALBERT

her voice . would you put her

on

1,7

2-4-20
85

Hold the wire ! Hey, Fidel Castro ! want,s to talk to you.


(nOSIE IE

M;\UDE

Some

guy named Pet,erson


phone . )

yells in the direction of t,he


ROS

You tell that weasely little gusLa l-a gusta. . .

rat I 'm not here! ...Oh, Cuant,o Ia

That proves she' s there ! Who else would know I 'm a weasely litLle rat ?
(nOSIE grabs the phone out of MAUDE' s hand.
ROS
)

ALBERT

IE

What

Rose, Itve got t,o t,alk to you!


ROS

ALBERT

It|s

about, Conrad!

And furt,hermore, ven if I were t,his Ros, which I am not,, t,he only t,hing that would certainly make me hang up is any ment,ion of anybody named Conrad!
(ROSB

IE

puts t,he phone down on the bar.


ALBERT

ical Iy . ) No, Rosie, please don r t, hang up ! I wonr t mention Conrad ! We ' II talk abouL anyt,hing you want, ! You and me, you and I , anyt,hing ! Oh, Rosie, plea3e . . .
(Frant, TALK m'BABY (UeUDE TO ME''

is 2nd Tenor in t,he backup male quart,et, . The 1st Tenor, Bari tone and Bass are the THREE LOCAL OLD GEEZERS. )
QUARTET

TALK TO ME, BABY, WON I T YOU TALK TO ME? I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY, BABY, TALK TO ME.
MUST YOU BE OH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME? IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY,

ALBERT

(nOSIE pushes phone away) TALK TO ME. AI\TD IF YOU MISS ME,

MMMM.

..

(the GEEZERS have risen from their seats and approach the bar. They listen to the phone which is lying t,here. We hear ALBERT singing through the phone. The 2nd TENOR-MAUDE starts singing.)
18

2-4-20
85
BARTENDER

you

Hold the wire ! (fo ROSIE in middle of her "Ai-eee ! " ) Hey, Fidel Castrol I goL a guy named Peterson wanL,s to t,alk to
-

fnto phone) TeII that weaselly littl-e


(

ROSIE

rat r, m not here !


ALBERT

That proves she's there ! Who else would know I'm a weasel-ly littIe rat? (shouting) . . . Rose , I 've got to talk to you I IL' s about, Conrad I
(Grabbing phone) And furthermore, even if I were this Ros, which I am not, the one thing that would certainly make me hang up is any mention of anybody named Conrad!
ROS

IE

No, Rosie, please don't hang upl I won't mention Conradl We'II talk about anything you want ! You, rTr , I, anythinql (Uusic comes up. ROSIE light,s a cigarett,e, puffs it furiously through following) Oh, Rosie, please. . .

(Frant ica1ly)

ALBERT

'BABY,. TALK To
(MeUog

is 2nd Tenor in the backup male quartet, DISHWASHER 1st Tenor,


FIRST CUSTOMER Barilone and SECOND CUSTOMER Bass)
QUARTET

ME'r

TALK TO ME, BABY, WON'T YOU TALK TO ME? I DON'T CARE WI{AT YOU SAY, BABY, TALK TO ,ME.
MUST YOU BE OH, SO FAR AWAY FROM ME? rT SEEMS ALL WRONG THTS WAY,

ALBERT

(ROSfE pushes phone away) TALK TO ME. AATD TF YOU MISS ME, MMMM.
(Of SHWASHER ent,ers UC and j oins MAUDE and TWO CUSTOMERS AS THEY hum)

2-4-2r
B7

TELL ME SO! ARE YOU LONELY? TELL ME SO! SAY YOU LOVE ME; TELL ME SO!

ALBERT

(Continued)

QUARTET (Continued)
MMMM.. MMMM... MMMM... MMMM...
O

HONEY... LET ME KNOW.


TALK TO ME,

OOOH...HONEY!

OOOH!...
MMMM...

CLOSE TO ME ! THEN YOU'LL SEE. . . WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK

TILL I

PRESS

YOU

AI{. . AF{. . .
O

TILL I

PRESS YOIJ. . . AH . .

AT ALL!
(OISHWASHER

turns and QUARTET sings)


MUST YOU BE OH SO FAR AWAY FROM ME,

suitcase.

(ROSIE moves DS
MEN f

to siL on ollow)

HER

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, TALK TO ME !


AI{D IF YOU MISS
ARE YOU LONELY?
ME

BABY

OH, BABY... TALK. . GO ON, WHAT


OH. .
.

IT AIN'T
SO !

CATT

YOU LOSE, GONNA HURT !

...

TELL HIM

sAy You LovE ME... TELL ME SO...


LET ME
KNOW.

ooH...ooH. ..ooH. . .
HONEY! HONEY!
HALF
AFI

LADY, LADY, TELL HIM


OOH...OOH...OOH. . .

SO !

.. QUARTET
TALK, TALK TO ME
CLOSE TO ME ! THEN YOU'LL SEE

(rnNoRS) TALK TO ME TILL I PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME ! THEN YOU'LL SEE

ALBERT

HALF

QUARTET
ME

..

TALK TO

AI{. . . AFI . . .

TILL I

PRESS YOU

&
AT ALL!
WE WON'T HAVE TO TALfrLBERT

QUARTET

(ROSE returns to DISHWASHER moves

sit on stool up to her L)

US.

TILL I

QUARTET
.

PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME. .

2-4-22
88

THEN YOU'LL SEE. .

ALBERT & QUARTET


.

TENOR (prSHWASUER)
WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK. . ALBERT
CUSTOMERS
.

MAUDE AII

&2

TALK. .. TALK. . .

AI{. . .
TENOR (NTSHWASHER)

..

AT ALL!
MAUDE

TALK TO

ME

FIRST
TALK TO ME!

CUSTOI,IER

SECOND CUSTOMER

TALK TO ME!

(nising)
TALK TO ME... ..

ALBERT

ALL FIVE
MMMMMM.
!

(Looking at phone, suddenly puzzLed) Rose , are you alone? No, I'rr noL alone, A1bert . (SexilY) . . . See you later, boys.
ROS

ALBERT

IE

I'm with friends

(as MEN start, in door UC) See you later, boys?! Rosie, you've got t,o help me find
Conrad
!

ALBERT

only t,he beginning, Albert! From now on the sky's the limit . . .parties. . .ba1Is. . . dances ! AIvU\POLA, MY PRETTY AMA. . . What' s going on in there? (through above more MEN have Xed and gone into door UC)
And that's
No business of yours, lady.
BARTENDER

ROS

IE

That' s a privat,e dining room !

2-4-23
89

Private for

ROS

IE

whom?
BARTENDER whom !
ROS

For men only, that' s f or


Men only?

way!!

ThaL's exact, Iy what I'm looking for! I've heard about what goes on in these small t,owns. Out of Spanish Rose' s
rRANSrrroN To SHRTNER's (orchestra)

TE

BARTENDER Hey, Ia,Cy, waiL a minute I Even I ain' L allowed in t,here I Hey , Lady. . .

stop her I Don't let. her go in . Wait , Spanish Rose ! I' 11 be right down. Mamma, get my coat. .
Somebody
.

ALBERT

(ana ROSIE pushes the BARTENDER through t,he door UC as lights come up t,o reveal . . .)

2-5-24
90

ACT

TWO

Scene

THE PRIVATE DINING

ROOM.

A long oblong table covered to floor with white cloth. Moose head above it.

...And so, Fl1ow Shriners, wibh the power vested in me... (nOSIE runs in , followed by MAUDE. MAYOR stops speaking. ALL SHRINERS slowly t,urn and look at ROSIE. SHE does a wiggle or two to invite THEM to dance, THEY stare stonily. MAUDE gestures for HER to get out. SHE resignedly exits R) . . . Now before the Recording Secretary reads the minutes of Last week's meet,ing , I want to bring up a subject that I am sure is on everybody's mind tonight. . (Through this last, ROSIE has come stealthily back in frorn R. Music comes up softly as SHE surveys the t-able of SHRINERS, then with a wicked gleam in HER eye, SHE idly begins playing with the tassel on the fez of the
.

MAYOR

nearest
(t"tus

MiUS)
)

ic start,s

sHRTNER

BALLET (orchestra)

(From tassel-twirling from to tickling, tickling to a few kicks, from kicks to grinds , from grinds to bumps, until ROSIE begins turning the quiet meeting into t,he SHRINERS BALLET , a sort of midwestern ver'sion of a Turkish orgy. The SHRINERS, gradually warm who are shocked at first, up as ties are loosened and shirt tails come out,. Under the long t,able slides ROSIE, and one by one the SHRINERS are pulled under with HER. Around the t,able, behind iE, and on it THEY dance, until as t,he music reaches its climax the t,ide has turned. The SHRINERS have gone wilder than ROSIE imaEined, and THEY toss HER from one t.c ancther as THEY whirl like dervi she s f ir:.a i- Iy di sappearing under the table once aga j-n . A f inal crash of mus ic ,

2-5-25
91

a hand comes up; ROSfE is yanked with THEM) B L A C K.O IJ T

down

SHRfNER'S PLAY-OFF (Orchestra)

2-6-26
92

ACT

Scene

TWO 6

complete with t,rash cans, back fence, lamppost . ROSIE comes l imp1y out t.he door, we aring a red fez-. SHE collapses on box DL next, to garbage can. HUGO comes in C from R.
RETREAT ,

THE BACK DOOR OF MAUDE'S ROADSIDE

(t"tusic f ades out )

.Miss Alvarez, f have a favor to ask you. Could you go back in there and get me some grain alcohol to go?
..

HUGO

Not for a million

dollars

ROS
!

IE

My whole world is collapsing bef ore me ! I can't get a drink; and Kim's run of f wit,h Conrad to the ice house. . .

HUGO

! Albert ! I 've got t,o phone Albert ! you stay right here. . (again) SHRTNEB's PLAY-OFF (orchestra) re-. . . Kim and Conrad
.

ROS

IE

Hugo,

door into MAUDE'S . Instantly SHRf NERS burst f ort,h. SHE backs away. . . ) Now , fel-las ! Wait, a minute
(SHg opens
!

ROS

IE

ALBERT comes

(THEY lift then R.

HER and
HUGO

dashing on from
)

goes. into MAUDE'S, and


DR.

carry

HER madly

off

C,

Music fades out


. . . Here

s Roadside Retreat (Opens door, shouts in) I'm coming, Rose ! Hurry, Momma !
Maude'

it is !

ALBERT

aggers on af ter HIM) I don't know why we have to go running around aII nighL looking for someone it, would be bet.t.er noL to find in the
SHE st

(as

MR.S. PETERSON

2-6-27
93
MRS . PETERSON (Continued) first place . If you listen to me, sonnyboy , you' 11 come home, have a nice cup of Post,um and go t,o bed.

(Xing R t,o HER) Mamma, I told you I fm not coming home tiII I find Rosie I Now if you want to leave, thatfs okay with me. (Stopping and t,urning) As a matter of f act, it, ' s not, a bad idea. . . (with a deep breath) ...Why dontt you go home, Mdmma.
What did you say, sweet,heart darling?
ALBERT

ALBERT

MRS.

PETERSON

I said , "Why don't you go home, Mdmma. I'


Wou1d

exi stence ?

you mind repeating that once more, sunshine of


ALBERT

(ef ter a pause

MRS.
)

PETERSON

my

I said, 90 home, Ma.mma. I don't need you any longer. (MRS . PETERSON sit s on a garbage can. ) *_ OA/ ''A MOTHER OOESN' T ITATTER AIUYITTORB '' "
MRS. PETERSON (Spoken f reely over music: ) At, last it's comel The day I knew So... iL's come at, lastl would come at, last, has come at last ! My Sonnyboy doesnt L need me any longer. WeII, what are you waiting for? Get rid of me ! Put, me out, with the garbage ! throw me out with t,he used grapefruj-ts and t,he empt,y cans'Justt,una fish. And never mind of putting a lid on. Leave it, open so a hundred thousand pussycats can walk all over a Mother! . . .

23

2-6-27a
93a

MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)


WHO BRONZED YOUR BABY SHOES? KISSED EV I RY LITTLE BRUISE? WHO PICKED YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR? YOU COUGHED AI\TD WHO WAS THERE? IT'S .JUST TOO HARD TO BEAR. A MOTHER DOESN ' T MATTER ATTYMORE !

WITH BUNIONS ON MY FEET, TO BRING YOU LIC'RICE FROM THE CORNER STORE. I SOLD MY TTFF'NY LAMP SO YOU COULD GO TO CAIVIP.
NOW

TRUDGED THROUGH SNOW A\TD SLEET,

MOTHER DOESN I T MATTER AI\TYMORE

(Spoken over music: ) That's it. Irm ready to go. And I don't want you to spend a cent. Fancy funerals are for rich people. Just wrap me in a f lag and dump me in t.he river- - -on Mother' s Day. .
.

AITD PRECTOUS, BY THE WAY, THE DOCTOR CALLED TODAY, WHAT I GOTIS A CONDITION YES, HEIS SURE, THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO, I'LL LAST A WEEK OR TWO, BECAUSE FOR A CONDITION TFIERE ' S NO CURE. .

THAT TIME YOU HAD THE CROUP, WHO MJ\DE YOU CHICKEN SOUP, AI\TD READ YOU IISI\IvIBT II TILL HER THROAT WAS SORE? YOU SACRTFICE YOUR LIFE, THEN BAIUG ! YOU GET THE IO\TIFE, NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!...

should be A mother is lying on top of a sanitation truck bound for the City Dump and a son is running around with a floo zLe who came looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an American womanrs life!..,
.

(Spoken over music: ) There , I f eel- better now. Everything is as it

24

2-6-28
94

MRS. PETERSON (Cont'd)


WHO GAVE UP NIGHTS OF REST TO RUB VTCKS ON YOUR CHEST? WHO NURSED HER SONNYBOY TILL HE WAS FOUR?

MY LIFE HAS BEEN IN VAIN, THTS COUNTRY I S DOWN THE DRAIN, -CAUSE A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER, NO, A MOTHER DOESNIT MATTER, YES, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER A}TYMORE !

Are you finished, Yes, Sonnyboy. Goodnight,


Mama.

ALBERT
Mama?

MRS.

PETERSON

ALBERT

Goodnight, Sonnyboy.
My name's not Sonnyboy.

MRS.

PETERSON

ALBERT

You're just like your father... You'd marry anythingl

MRS.

PETERSON

GLORY

HALLELUJAI{ (Orcheslra)
rr

off R as we hear the strains of t'Battle Hymn of the Republic. THEY grow louder as SHE is gone. ALBERT swells with triumphant pride. HE is thus transfixed as MR. and MRS. MacAFEE and RANDOLPH come hurrying on C from L)
(SHg moves

.. .Mr. Peterson! Have you seen Conrad and


ALBERT

MR. MacAFEE

Kim?

Ah there, Mr. MacAfee! A great pleasure to see you again. Unfortunately , T must telL you that, Conrad' s affairs no longer interest me. Irrn l-ooking for Miss Alvarez now to t,eII her that. . . (He hears it . . . Conrad and Kim?
)

Theyrve run off together!

MRS. MacAFEE

And if we don't, find them soon, Mr. Peterson, T int,end calling the FBMhors the head of it now, dear? Is it Peter Lawford yet ?

MR. MacAFEE

25

2-6-29
95

il m sure there's nothing t,o worry about . .


(Hurrying on C from L) Doris ! Harry! Have you seen Ursula?
Ursula?
ALBERT

ALBERT

MRS.

MERKLE

Is she missing too?

MRS. MacAFEE MRS.


MERKLE

Since ten o'clock I And I've looked everyrhere.


(As MR. ,JOHNSON enters DR and speaks simultaneously) Mr. Peterson!
MacAfee

MR. MacAFEE

! You haven't seen my llarvey, have you?


AIilOTHER PARENT

MR.

JOHNSON

(Hurrying in C from Or Roger! And Phyllis


!

L)

They're probably all down at the drugstore. (erightly) . . .Maybe having one of those gang wars. . .
MR. MacAFEE

ATBERT

..

Gang Wars !

(as ALBERT realizes what HE'S said and sneaks off t)

begin talking at once. jurnble; THEY all turn around and, ds one, sing. . . )

ft

(panENTS all becomes a

REPRTsE: "K.rDS"
ALL

I DON'T KNOW hIHAT'S KIDS TODAY !


KIDS
!

KIDS

WRONG

WITH THESE

WHO CAIV UNDERSTAI{D AIVYTHING THEY SAY !

2-6-30
95
RA}TDOLPH

KTDS

! !

THEY ARE SO RIDICULOUS A]\TD SO IMMATURE I DON'T SEE WHY AI\TYBODY WAIITS 'EM !

MR. MacAFEE
.TUST YOU WAIT AND SEE. .
.

RANDOLPH

KIDS ! THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE

TO CONTROL!

SOON YOU'LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE.. t

MR. MacAFEE

RANDOLPH

KIDS

WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AIVD THEIR ROCK AND ROLL!

MR. MacAFEE
A}ilOTHER TEENAGE DELINQUENT ! WHY CAII'T THEY BE LIKE YOU WERE, PERFECT IN EV'RY WAY !
RANDOLPH

MR. MacAFEE & WHAT'S THE MATTER hIITH KIDS TO


ALL KIDS ! WHAT THE

RANDOLPH

KIDS

DEVIL'S

WRONG

WITH THESE

TODAY!

KIDS

WHO COULD GUESS THAT THEY WOULD TURN OUT THAT WAY!

WHY CAI\T, T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE, PERFECT TN EV'RY WAY !

MR. & MRS. MacAFEE WHAT'S THE MATTER WTTH KIDS !


RANDOLPH

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS

ALL WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KTDS TODAY

2-6-31
97

MAUDE'S opens

(et Lhe end of the song, the door to and HUGO comes flying out)
HUGO

Hi, everybody! Good oId Hugo here! (as HE falls into the ash can) ...Looped!
Hugo Peabody, what have you been drinking?
MRS. MacAFEE
HUGO

Milk. But, it worked I Anyhow , T 've got a perf ect, right to drunk. My girl's gone off with Conrad Birdie to the . . ,
ALBERT

be

(Entering hastily f rom L1 Lalking f ast ) . . . To the movies I Great double bill tonight,. . . "F1ying Down To Rio " and 'r Greed " ! Gosh, I ' 1l always remember t,hat, great cast. Dolores Del Rio. . .
And Gene Raymond.. And what a score
!

(f'orgett ing HIS t,roubles


.

MR. MacAFEE
)

ALBERT

I' d f orgott,en t,hat


(Sof t

MR. MacAFEE
.

Hey, Rio, Flying down t,o Rio. . .

Iy, heads toget,her)


IE

ALBERT & MR. MACAFEE

..

.Albert

(gnteringCfromRwit,haSHRINER in hot pursuiL )


!

ROS

Rose, where've you been! I've been looking for you all night,! I have good news for you, Rosie ! I did it ! I sent Mamma home ! And f 'm a new man, Rose ! A world leader
!

ALBERT

Albert,

Conrad and Kim have g'one to the ice house


(Un doesn'L know what, it
ALBERT

ROS

IE

The ice house?

is)

2-6-32
98

The ice house ! Doris, cal] the Mounted Police I (As CROWD starts of f in various directions Call Mr. Keen, Tracer of Lost Persons !

MR. MacAFEE

CaII the Shadow! Look him up under Lamont Cranston... (THEY rush off as the TIGHTS DfM, and we find ourselves. . . ) N
L,AMoNT cRANsroN

(et portal

R)

To TcEHoUSE (orchestra)

2-7-33
99

ACT

TWO

Scene

moonlight comes slowly up, and we see CONRAD lighting KfM'S cigareLte, in the ICE HOUSE, an enclosed, low, barn- like structure, wit,h one or two
HER

The light of a match flares;

empty crates lying about. HE watches

as SHE inhales.

that is refreshing. Of cours, f do prefer a Murad, but these' 11 do. WelI, here we are, Conrad ! This is the ice house ! Fun, isn't it (SHg rises as CONRAD qits next t,o HER and puts HIS arm around HER) Of course, when you've been here as many times as I have... I ' ve been here wit,h j ust everybody, you know . IJrsuIa . . Deborah Sue. . . the Girl Scouts. (Sgn coughs on cigarettes) Stronger than the chocolate ones, aren' t they? (COITRAD rises and goes to HER) Conrad, you seem a bit nervous. Maybe a drag on this weed would relax you. Or how abcut, one of t,hose reefers I've read so much about? I can go out and get you a fix i,f you tell- me what it is. When you've had a donkey on your back as long as I have. . (COWRAD puts HIS arm around HER again, and SHE moves right,) . . . Conrad , you're trembling ! Just because you're a f ew years younger t,han I arn , I hope it, doesn' t make you uncomf ortable I'm twenty-seven or twenty-eight, you know. One of the two. So, 1rou see, I really know the score; I even know some of the words! Connubian, pre-marrial, jailbait... (fhe meaning of the last, word hits HIM. HE stiffens, turns and starts for the steps)
...Mmmm,
! . . .

KIM

(Suddenly appearing at top of ladder) There you are, oh sensuous one !

URSULA

for music to begin quiet, ly under dialogue and contine into vecal ) We've been looking f or you everyarhere !
(Cue

That' s nice . Now out of t,he way. f 'm laLe . . .

CONRAD

2-7 -34
100
URSULA

(Coming down as KIDS st,art pouring in) But. you don't understand ! We're coming with you I yourself! We've got a lot of }iving to dol
Now

you said it

wait a minute. . .

CONRAD

We' 11

earth

never go home again !


swims

URSULA

We' 11

follow you to the ends of the

Moonl

ight

DEBORAH SUE
!

Mot.orboat races
Loop - the - loop
!

HELEN
!

PENELOPE

Yeah!

ALL
!

(eacking L) Course that stuf f really ain't, as much fun as I made ou.t. .
We can

CONRAD

sLart right now; Let's have an orgy! (Pronounced with a hard g)

URSULA

ICE HoUSE LIVIN'


KIDS THEY puII CONRAD GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' ! SUCH A LOT OF LIVTN' !

(es

back t,o RC)

(URSULA
WHAT

spins HIM around)

A LOT OF LTVIN'! leaps int,o HIS arms and KIDS are a spinning, dancing mass with CONRAD and URSULA it,s core. ALBERT and ROSIE ent.er
(URSULA

L)

S shouts lost, in noise ) What's going on here? Conrad! Conrad! (Hg and ROSE are embroiled in the
(Uf

ALBERT

mass

2-7-35
10
t_

WHAT WHAT

A LOT OF LIVIN I A LOT OF LIVIN'

KIDS
! !

(An abrupt cut off of music as MR. MacAFEE and TWO POLICEMEN enter SL. MR. MacAFEE still carries HIS l-ant.ern)

There he is !

MR. MacAFEE The depraved brute ! Arrest that

man !

POLI CE XR

(Quick music tag as CONRAD drops URSULA. to HIM, MR . MacAFEE f oIlows )


!

Well now, what, have you got to say, Mr. Birdie


Thank CoC youtve come.
CONRAD

(gntering L) Hi everybody! Good old Hugo again.


who has entered L) Hugo, darling, you're just in t.ime! I canrt teIl humiliat,ion I 've .been made to suf f er. . .
HUGO

HUGO

(Running to

KIM

you what

That ' s all

I need Lo hear ! Take him

MR. MacAFEE

away

(rhe POLICE exit L with CONRAD, f ollowed by cl-amouring KIDS and , finally, MR. MacAFEE with HIS lantern) ing af ter THEM) ...Mr. MacAfee, I demand you release t,hat, boy! Mr. MacAfee! This is A1bert J. Peterson speaking * ROS IE Albert, Iet me handle this. Look, why don't you go back to the house and I'11 go down to the courthouse and try talking to the Mayor... * ALBERT Rose, I don't think you understand ! This is the new Albert . I told Mama goodbye
(Shout
! !

ALBERT

27

2-7 -3 6
10 2

ir-bert , yeu didn,t

ROS
!

IE

Ah, but I did! And Rose, the new Albert is going down to the courthouse and deal with t,he Mayor. And I'd appreciate it if you ' d meet me at, the train stat ion at s ix- thirt,y tomorrow morning... when I intend to be there with Conrad. And Rose, did I ment ion that, I loved you?
(uusi-c in)
Not,
IE

ALBERT

yet, Albert

ROS
.

Well, I do. ...Conrad! N

ALBERT

(Bounding away)
TEACHERII REPRISE
ROS

''AI\T ENGLISH

rT'S GOING TO BE SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFEI I 'M GOING TO BE MISSIS PETERSON, MISSIS ALBERT PETERSON, MISSIS PHI BETA KAPPA PETERSON. . (Bcstat, ical ly) . . . Oh, Rosie, nothingr can stop you now !
.

IE

Hel1o, Rose. (trtusic out )


He11o, Mae.

(Appearing at top of steps L)


IE

MRS.

PETERSON

(Not,hing can faze HER now)


MRS.
PETERSON

ROS

heart,-to-heart wit,h an old friend?


ROS

So we're alone at IasL. Have you a minut,e to spare for


IE
woman who

I'11 always have time to talk with the evening I'I1 be able to caII. .
.

by tomorrow

Don't say it,

MRS.
Rose
!

PETERSON

28

-7 -37
r_03

(Very c1early, ds SHE puts I ' 11 be able to call Mother.


MRS.

ROSIE

HER arm

around

MAE)

'

The cruelest, word I ever heard ! (wit h a sigh) . . . To t,hink I would live to see the day f ' d have relat,ives in EI Salvador.

PETERSON

Not to mention Guatemala, Braz:-l-, Chile, Uruguay, and Chichi Costanango ! And as soon as Albert and I are married, I ' rTr going to stick a rose in my teeth, sit in front of my adobe hut on Central Park West and sell tortillas (Shaking HER hand) . . .Adios, Mama.
!

ROSIE

Adios, Rosit,a. CaII me Mrs. Petersoll


.

MRS.
ROS

PETERSON

IE
)

(uns.

PETERSON

exits.

BLACKOUT

*Original vers j-on song number 36 , " Spanish Roserf has been delet,ed. Return to original script page 2-8-39, LO5.

29

2-B-39
105

ACT

Scene I

TWO

Early next morning. Train L. A head pokes in from righL.


zl /
MORNING (Orchest,ra)
ALBERT

SWEET APPLE RAILROAD STATION.

There's no one here ! Come on. . . (ana a FIGURE with a large black woman's coaL, purse and a veil comes on, ffiusic fades out)
Now look, Albert.
CONRAD

and on platform) f t took every cent I had to Shut up and get on that train! bai l you out , and I don' t want you seen t, i 11 we ' re out of t,hi s Now get aboard! state!...
(Shoves HIM to train

ALBERT

wait a minute, buddy boy ! You saved my I j-f e, and whether you pay me no guarantee or not . . . you got a contract, with me forever.
Now

CONRAD

Conrad, what are you saying?


(Hands HIM paper)

ALBERT
CONRAD

Here's a blan\ piece of paper I signed my name to, Albert. just fill in whatever you want.
(Who

You

from Hel1o, Albert .


Mamma

has come on through this


DR)

MRS.

PETERSON

ALBERT

MRS. PETERSON (Passes ALBERT, look up at CONRAD) Rose, you look good for a change . I know all about, you two. Don't, worry ! I won't, make a fuss . I' 11 do what any intelligent Mother has to do. . .

2-8-40
1-05 MRS . PETERSON (Continued) with ALBERT) ...Goodbye, dear. Don't worry about the coat. You'11 three mink stol-es as soon as the train passes over me. (SHe lies down on the tracks)

(Shakes hands

have

goes inside) Mamma, get up and get on that train!


SHE

(Picks

HER up

ALBERT

nonsense. . .
. r.Just

puts HER on train; I have no time for

any

a moment, Mf. Peterson! (ena the MacAFEES followed by some KIDS and ADUTTS hurry on) I demand to know what you've done with Mr. Birdiel that j ail
!

MR. MacAFEE (Offstage)

He's not in

How should I know where he is? I I'm just down here to say goodbye

haven't seen him all night. to. . . to Rosie ! (Through this CONRAD has taken beer can out of coat and punched it open. It soars in the air. ALBERT hurries HIM into train)
MR. MacAFEE
MRS. MacAFEE

ALBERT

Mr. Pet,erson !
Now

again. As a matter of fact, the sweetest thing happened. proposed to her this morning, and she accepted him.
MR. MacAFEE
ryUUU\H
!

, Ehere' s no point getting excited, dear ! Af t,er all, there's no real harm done. Kim and Hugo are back together

He

Dear, what's wrong?

MRS.

MACAFEE

(es THEY go) . . . My life is over now. I' 11 seII the house and go into
home.

MR. MacAFEE

(The MacAFEES exit L)

AII aboard!
(tttus

CONDUCTOR

ic in

2-8-4r
L07
CONRAD

..Hey, Albert, the train's leaving! Get


(es KIDS spot
(screaming)
ALBERT
CONRAD)

MRS.

(Reappearing on train platform with


PETERSON)

on!

Bye, Conrad.
A1bert ! ! !

MRS.

PETERSON

E7

HAND cAR

TEEN CHORUS GIRLS WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD OH YES WE DO! WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,

AIID WE'LL BE
VruTEN

TRUE

YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE !

oH,

coNRAD

WE LOVE YOU!

(Train starts)
..

.Albert, don't leave


(ena MRS.

CONRAD

me

tries to climb over railing of observation car as it goes off L. ALBERT waves after THEM tiII the last scream from MRS. PETERSON fades in the distance. Then HE happily rips up the contract CONRAD gave HfM and 'sits scatters the pieces in the air as HE Xes R and on the luggage cart . ROSIE enters R2 )
PETERSON

Well

, here I am, Albert . Six- thirt,y on the button . the train? It lef t at six twenty- f ive . .
ALBERT
.

ROSIE

Where' s

Albert,, you told


With Conrad..,

me

to be here at.
ALBERT

ROSIE

..

2-8-42
108
ROS

At six- thirt,y sharp .


And
..
.

I know because . . ,
ALBERT

IE

Mamma.
ROS

Albert, you wanted us to miss that, train


ALBERT

IE

It stands t,o reason, Ros: Why get on a train to New York we've got ticket,s to Pumpkin Falls, f owa.
What,'s in Pumpkin Falls , Iowa?
ROS

when

IE

An opening in the teaching staf f of Pumpkin Falls ,Junior High School . I read about it in this morning's paper. They want someone to teach English and Domestic Science. And I hope you've brought your documents, Rose, because t,hey prefer the applicant to be marcied.

ALBERT

Oh, Albert ! !
Ros

(Uusic in, SHE rushes to HIM, f lings HER arms about HIS neck)
ALBERT

ROS

IE

(runY kiss) . . .Did anybody ever telI you that,'s the most the world? (Uusic up, and HE sings)
'tRosrE''

ie

beautiful

name

in

WAS NEVER CRAZY FOfrLFf,ffiERS, CONFESS THAT NOTHING LEFT ME COLDER. COULD WATCH A DAISY FOR HOURS, A}TD ALL T'D FEEL WAS SEVERAL HOURS OLDER. LILACS OR Lf Lf ES, AI\TY BLOOM YOU PLEASE, ALL THAT THEY DID WAS MAKE ME SHRUG OR SNEEZE. BUT NOW I LOVE EACH BLOSSOM TI{AT I SEE FOR A LOVELY LTTTLE ROSE LOVES ME.

I
I I

LIFE IS ROSY, I FOUND MY ROSfE. WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE, HOW COULD I BE BLUE?
NOW MY

STNCE

2-B-43
109

Pushing luggage ca.gt LC and D ) A POEM TUAT GOES, (Rocking cart back and forth) A ROSE IS A ROSE, IS A ROSE, WELL, T DON'T AGREE, TAKE IT FROM ME, (Rocking t,o and f ro again)
(

HAND IN HAND WE'LL MOSEY, ME AIVD LITTLE ROSTE. WE WILL BE SO COZY, BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO !

ALBERT (Continued)

OH, T

ONCE HEARD

THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN AI\TY THAT

(Pushing cart

GROWS

DL)

AI\TD

(nocking the cart ) LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL

I'M

THAT,S MY ROSTE,
SO GLAD SHE CHOSE ME.
SONG TO ME !

(HB now pushes the cart, in a figure eight back and forth in 1 and. 2. THEY bot,h sing)

ALBERT LIFE IS ROSY, SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE. WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE, HOW COULD I BE BLUE?
NOW MY
ROS

OH, WE'LL BE HAPPY I


BE BLUE?

ROSIE

KNOW,

OFF TO THE PREACHER WE'LL

SO, HOW COULD

GO!

WE

(es HE pushes cart R) OH, WE'LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST, A NTCE LITTLE SPLTT-LEVEL NEST, AI\TD IN EV'RY ROOM, ROSES IN BLOOM...
HER hand as SHE rises) BUT THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER THAN ALL OF THE REST (TUBY dance L) A}ilD TFIAT'S MY ROSIE. . .

IE

(Taking

ALBERT

(rurn) LIFE IS ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG


(Dance
WHEN LOVE

I'M

BOTH

SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME!


DRC)

LIFE IS

THEN WHAT COULD BE WRONG ONE SWEET BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME !

IS RIGHT,

2-8-44
LL0

(THEY dance DC and Ut and to dead e. SHE puts HER arm in HIS and THEY start to walk down CS to curtain line, HER head on HIS shoulder. THEY turn and start, walking USC and. . . )
o

FINATE (orchestra)
CI.TRTAIN COMES

IN

STOWLY

Bows &

Exrr MUSrc (orchestra)