Q. Why do men have their best ideas during sex? A. Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why are the letters a, b, c, d, e, and f used in bra sizes? A - almost boobs B - barely boobs C - can live with them boobs D - damn good boobs E - enormous boobs F - fake boobs A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..." A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass." A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?" A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the fridge. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are... An eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you. "Yes she says : I remember it well" Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake" Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen, They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed; He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret? " No , there's no secret " the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric." A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, 'What a great chest you have.' The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.' He takes off his pants and the woman says, 'What massive calves you have.' The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.' He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.' A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your crotch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job". She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?" A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with milliondollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in." When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself." "Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do." "I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a

really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed. The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Twenty-five," said the wife. "And he still believes in genies?" A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; (3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord. A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make them larger!" "How!?!?!?" she asks. "Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs." "Well how long does it take?" she asks. "They should expand over the years," he answers. "How did you know that?" she wonders. "I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?" A young boy walked in on his parents having sex on the sofa. He asked his Mom what

they were doing. "We were baking a cake,son." she replied. The next day he asked his Mom if they had baked a cake again. She replied, "Yes". "I thought so," he said," I licked the frosting off of the couch." A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand." Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm Hot. Husband: You get hot at the darnest times. Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Wife: You don't love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: (Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright, I'll do it. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Husband: There! Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself. Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the weekend that they would be found innocent. That monday the judge said to the first one how many people did you get to stop

doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain after doing drugs. The Judge said ok, how about you he said while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500 people to stop. The Judge said How in God's name did you get so many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail. Last week I was with one of the summer interns, and in the lobby, the receptionist was complaining that her printer wasn't working. The intern messed around with it and discovered the problem. A pen was stuck inside, causing it to jam. He started to fiddle with it, and tried sticking his fingers down inside to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that right now. I told him to put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it, and we would report it to the help desk. So he grabs a piece of paper and starts to write the note down. I left before he finished the note, so I wondered why not even 20 minutes later, I got a call from one of my techs. He said that he had found the note on the printer, and was slightly concerned. Not understanding why, I asked him to bring the note to me. What could possible cause a concern about a jammed printer. Seeing the note, I understood why: "DONOT TOUCH PENIS INSIDE!" The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing." he said. A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying "this is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses... The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!" (got it.. the vaseline was for the father) A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to make love with you." They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!" One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. The next week they are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge. One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his

dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother." This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moon child?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." The Mom paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?' The dog looked depressed. 'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.' 'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.' Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. 'So what are you here for?' they asked. 'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.' The other dogs nodded in sympathy. 'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?' 'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.' This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip...and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one?" The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?" the son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough" A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag" The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?" the son replies once more "No"...The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isnt having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket...Turns out the lottery ticket was a

winning one.. The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man" The sone then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?" and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!" and the son replies.... "Good...go fuck yourself then..." The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut." A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.' Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Pakistani said, 'just try them on, sahib.' Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have them on the wrong feet!' The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts. "What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck. "It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, "and yours?" "Me, I'm June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road. "Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June?" A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth." Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives. The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it." The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it." The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it." A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since."

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue. A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider". She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun". The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?" So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?" He says "no, I'm trying to get them out." One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls." "But Mum that's sick, it's incest." "No... no... dear, it's Ok, because he's not really your father." A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and

waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' he says. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. 'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!' This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks? "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife" " TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary". "TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute". "Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!" She replies,. "Well you look terrible"! He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great". Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible." The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!" A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..." She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?" He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page." A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?" "About 35", was the reply. "I'm actually 47", the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29 ?" "Nope, I am actually 47". He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesignt is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady saus, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

A young couple was on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?' The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.' The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.' Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. 'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.' So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his

socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama!' A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can't wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station. "Honey!" he says, "you're not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it's so great." "When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear." "When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck." "When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, "We're going to do the same thing for our sex life!" "When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked." "When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed". "When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let's give a test run. OK, ready?" "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) "Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!". The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What's that?" The wife screams "More hose! More hose! You are not reaching the fire!!!" A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself,

what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post". Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the side walk licking it's dick. One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that." The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had better pet him first." A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?' The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?' The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper' (got it...pepper in the nose...sneeze & get orgasm.) What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common? They both cost about $100. They both last about 30 seconds. And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man. A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming. (coming upstairs with handsaw)" A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.' He gets her name, address and social security number and then asks, 'What is your occupation?' The woman replies, 'I'm a whore.' The accountant baulks and says, 'No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that.' The woman says, 'OK, I'm a prostitute.' 'No, that is still too crude. Try again.' They both think for a minute, then the woman says, 'I'm a chicken farmer.' The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?' 'Well, I raised over 5000 cocks last year!' A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye,

next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?" She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!" Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I will not come work today, I am really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I will not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You got nice house." Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room. She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!". The men agree and she gives them a room. That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to add you all to my collection." She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business." So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick. The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry." So she finds a saw and off does his dick. The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!" He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!" Check your Dirty IQ Questions... 1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick

my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course! Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking? A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower. The boy pointed to his

mother's pussy and said "What's that mommy?". The mother not wanting to explain the facts of life to the boy said "that's my sponge" the boy satisfied with the answer went out. A few days later the boy again walked in on his mother in the shower. The night before the mother had shaved completely. The boy noticing the difference asked the mother "where is your sponge?". The mother said she lost it and the boy satisfied went outside again.. All of a sudden the boy ran back in. "Mommy, mommy I found your sponge!I was looking in Mrs. Jones back window and I saw Mrs Jones washing daddy's face with it!" Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied Three women walk in a pet shop. Suddenly the parrot yells out, "Yellow, pink, blue." The first lady says, "That's funny, I m wearing yellow underwear." The second lady says "well I'm wearing pink." The third lady says "No way, I'm wearing blue." To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, "white ! white ! white!" The three women are amazed. The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled "Bald, curly and straight!" They never went there again!! Man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo. Tattoo artist: " What kind of tattoo do you want ?" Man: "I want the new $100 dollar bill tattooed on my penis." Tattoo artist: "Why?" Man: "3 reasons: 1. I like to play with my money 2. I like to see my money grow 3. Next time the wife wants to go out and blow $100 she can stay at home."

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?". The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen. The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again their kid came in and said "whats that mean?" The mom said that was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey! A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after their affair began, she announced that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby there. 'But how will you know when our baby is born?' she asked. 'Well,' he said 'after you've had the baby just send me a postcard and write Sauerkraut on the back.' Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at his surgery. 'John, dear,' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means.' 'Just wait until I get home and I'll read it,' he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard. It said, 'Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - two with wieners, one without.' Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?" When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. "So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy." "That's right, honey" her mother said. "But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?" "If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply. One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dildoes h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do yyou haaave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes, Ma'am, one of them does." "W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" 5 Kinds Of Sex 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!" 5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom. Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love. Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't." An elderly, hard of hearing man, along with his wife, visit his Doctor to check on his prostate problem. The Doctor says "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The old man cups his ear and asks "Ehhh?" The Doctor repeats louder, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample." The old man cups his ear and again asks "Ehhh?" So the wife tiptoes and yells into her husband's ear "Honey, the Doctor says he needs your shorts."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an arthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that ole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put ack in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old asked, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."