Book review:

Crucial Conversations
Reviewed by Melissa Whitehouse PharmD Candidate 2014

Book title and author information

Crucial Conversations
Tools for talking when stakes are high
Written by: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

Learning outcomes
List the qualities that make a conversation become crucial Identify your personal style used in crucial conversations Formulate a strategy to maintain dialogue and make decisions with those you come in
contact with

Demonstrate appropriate skills for communicating your opinions and desires while respecting others

Outline
Whats a crucial conversation? Skills for mastering a crucial conversation and maintaining dialogue
Start with the heart Learn to look Make it safe Master my stories STATE my path Explore others paths

Move to action

Whats a crucial conversation?

Daytoday conversations in which
Varying opinions Stakes are high Emotions are strong

Will affect your quality of life Establish patterns of behavior

Whats a crucial conversation?

Faced with crucial conversation

Avoid

Handle poorly

Handle it well

Generally when conversations turn crucial we end up on our worst behavior

Designed wrong Under pressure Were stumped Selfdefeating ways

Whats a crucial conversation?

How do these conversations affect us?
Bad companies: poor performers ignored or transferred Good companies: everyone holds each other accountable (regardless of position)
Tough conversations are held and handled well

Skills for mastering a crucial conversation and maintaining dialogue

The one thing
When it comes to risky, controversial and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

Dialogue: the free flow of meaning between two or more people Pool of meaning

Skills for mastering a crucial conversation and maintaining dialogue

When everyone participates:
Shared pool = synergy

When people arent involved:

Sit back, not committed to final decision Passively resisting He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still Samuel Butler When meaning withheld, individually smart people do collectively stupid things

Skills for mastering a crucial conversation and maintaining dialogue

Start with the heart Learn to look Make it safe Master my stories STATE my path Explore others paths

Start with the heart

Skilled people go in with good motives Stay focused on what you really want
Subconsciously our motives change We make Suckers Choices

What do I want for myself, for others and for the relationship? How would I behave if this were what I wanted?

Start with the heart

Focus on yourself first
Rarely are we completely innocent

Search for the elusive AND

Strategy for avoiding a Suckers Choice Clarify what you want and what you dont want

Learn to look
Watch for content and conditions Learn to spot crucial conversations
Know your own style, emotions and physical signs

Learn to look for safety problems

Silence
Masking (sarcasm, sugarcoating), avoiding, withdrawing

Violence
Controlling (cutting others off, using directive questions, overstating your facts), labeling, attacking (belittling and threatening)

Learn to look
Personal style under stress test

Make it safe
Step out, make it safe, step back in Notice which condition is at risk
Mutual purpose
Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust my motives Look for mutuality; dont be selfish

Mutual respect
Respect is like air. When you take it away, its all you can think about

Make it safe
What to do when you step out:
Apologize Contrast
Dont want________ Do want_______

CRIB
Commit to seek a mutual purpose Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a mutual purpose Brainstorm new strategies

Master my stories
How to stay in dialogue when youre angry, hurt or scared He made me mad We create our emotions

Others do

We tell ourselves a story

We feel

We act

Master my stories
Separate fact from story 3 common stories
Victim story Villain story Helpless story

Get back to the facts Tell the rest of the story

Notice your contribution Turn villains into humans
Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do what they are doing?

STATE my path
Speaking persuasively, not abrasively Conversations are more difficult when topic turns from things to people (i.e. leadership style, offensive, unlikeable) Maintain safety
Confidence Humility Skill

STATE my path
STATE my path
What
Share your facts; facts are least insulting Tell your story as a possible story Ask for others paths

How
Talk tentatively Encourage testing

Explore others paths

How to listen when others blow up or clam up
Be patient when others are acting out their feelings. When you ask people to open up, be prepared to listen.

Ask Mirror Paraphrase Prime

Explore others paths

After theyve opened up, now its your turn to talk and your opinions may vary
Understanding agreement

Agree Build Compare

Move to action
Often successful crucial conversations will not be turned into united action because of these two traps:
Violated expectations
Command Consult Vote Consensus

Inaction
Document

Summary
A crucial conversation is one in which opinions differ, emotions run strong, and stakes are high Skills for mastering a crucial conversation and maintaining dialogue
Start with the heart Learn to look Make it safe Master my stories STATE my path Explore others paths

Move to action

Summary

Questions?