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An1mr|nloHarpcr LoIIInS0bl|shcrs
toter
71t!ePage
!ntroductlon
COD/6D/S
No |onderAotPeo_!eIon't
rartCne
Ie|||ngtheIruthAbautsex
I . \hatOoPeo_leSay1hey\antlromSex?
\hatOo1he_Pea!lg\ant?
?. Am !lormal?
|hgFoco1ng on Norma!5e" |nderm1ne5e
3. \hat!s Sexual!ntelllgence?\h_Ooes !tMatter?
rartIwa
Campanentsa|sexua|Inte|||genee
4. YourEraln
1nIormat1onandKnow!edge
5. Your Heart
Emot1ona!5Im
6. YourEody
AwareneandtomIort
rartIhree
Imp||eat|ansandj ieat|ans
7.IettlngCo
ObtacletoIete!o_1ng5eoa!1nte!hgence
8. lew Focus,lew_ roach
Iete!o_1ng oor5eoa!1nte!hgence
9. mbraclngthe!nevltable
!ea!thandAg!ng tha!lenges
I0. CreatlngSex1hatCan tFall(orSucceed]
|1ng oor5eoa!1nte!hgence
_ndlx I
Fortoo_!e 7hera_1t, Pgcho!og1t, andPhg1cian
_ndlx?
!andAaage.AnEercie
AcInow!e_ent
AboottheAothor
Pra1e
Other |orI
trcd!ts
t_t
AbootthePob!iher
Footnote
HIIOUuCIOH
^O OHd|! OS| 1|O_| 1OH|
7roeorFa!e
_1us-:_ +:ou_+_-_
oocannowbo|t1brator, handcoII, d.Jdo, and
ana!beadonAma.on.com.
E1ht|-1ercentoIAmer1canado!ta|the|
matorbate.
A!thoohm1h1onoImenetarecr1t1onIor
l1ara, t1a!i, orLet1tra eter||ear, thenomberoI
men whorenewthe1rrecr1t1on1 ter|!ow.
Peo!e1nto5AanI1n, wh11n, b!indIo!d1n,
etcareno more!t1e!|tocomenomabo1te
bacIroond thannon-5Aer.
Aan|menoIa!laedon 'teaco!ateeter| t1methe|
hateeandman|womencon1dertheme!tea
Ia1!ore when th1haen.
1n 2010, on!|20ercentoIaon1ter1t|todent
am!ea1dthatora!e1 e. "
Aoremone|waentonornorah|1nthe|n1ted
5tate!at|ear0anon /icIetIora!lroIe1ona!
baeba!l, Iootba!l, baIetba!l, andhocIe|ame
comb1ned
Aore thanonem1!!ionAmer1can wenttoaw1ner '
clob!at|ear.
!a!/oIa!lmamarIetaerbacIo!d1n the
|n1ted5tateareromancenote!. Lat|earha!/oI
a!lAmer1canado!treadat!eat oneromancenotel
7heateraereaderoIromancenote!readlltyer
|ear.
Aotchoo!eedocat1onroram1n the |n1ted
5tatearenota!lowedto oethewordclltorlsor
pleasure.
Sexlsn tustanactlvltylt sanldea.
Ourldeasaboutsexaresocompllcatedthatwemake
theactlvltycompllcated. ! mheretomakebothyourldeas
andyoursexualactlvlty!ecompllcated. !nmy thlrty-plus
yearsasasextheraplstandmarrlagecounselor,thlsalmost
alwaysmakessexeaslerandmore enoyable. !nmany
cases,morelreguent, too.
\henwe reyoung,sexualdeslrelsdrlvenby
hormones, lust, hunger,novelty,andanurgetoprove
ourselves. Mostolusaresoooooohorny.\edeslrethe
mostproloundandprlmltlveluslonwlthourlustobect.
lonlywecouldunzlpourtorsoandheorshecouldcllmb
rlghtln'
\e retoldthateventually, deslrewlllbedrlven,notby
hormones, butbylove.\eplantoleel,oneday, You reso
great, soperlectlorme, !wantyou.
Andeventuallymostolusdolalll nlove.\eldeallze
ourpartner. Andtyplcally,we rehornylorhlmorher.
Astherelatlonshlpcontlnuestoevolve, bothpartners
lnallygettoknoweachother. Routlnesetsln. !lwewant
novelty,wemust create ltaweekendlnthecountry,new
lurnlture,newlantasles.Andwestopldeallzlngourpartner.
Oncewe do,lovenolongertrlggersdeslrerellably,because
therestollllelnterleres.
Sexbecomeslesslreguent. Ormoreroutlne. Orboth.
\henarelalionshipisnewandlhesexisexolicand
enoyable,thestart-upcostoleachsexualencounterlslow.
\e renotnervousabouthearlng no, andwe reusually
notnervousabouthearlng yes. Eutassexbecomes less
lreguent,weleellncreaslnglyawkward. Startlngup each
sexual encounterbecomesmorecomplex, moretlme-
consumlng, morelraughtwlthanxlety.
1hehassleollnltlatlngsexstartstooutwelghthe
percelvedadvantagesolhavlnglt.!lacouplegetsalong,
theyhaveother,dependablewaystoenoythemselves. a
walk, cooklngtogether,watchlng1V, napplng,
pholographinglheirkids,playingScrabble.\henacouple
hasllmltedlreetlmetogetherandtheyknowtheycan
rellablyhavelundolngotherthlngs,chooslngtohavesex
thattheylmaglnemlghtlnvolvesell-consclousness,
dlsappolntment,crltlclsm, andemotlonaldlstancelsslmply
lrratlonal.
Solong-termcoupleswhollkeeachotherdothemost
obvlousthlng.theyhavesexlessolten,andlnsteaddoother
thlngstheyenoymoreeaslly.
!lyouandyourpartnerwantsextobepartolyourllves
alterthelrstlewyears, youcan trelyonleellnghormonal
lusl, youcan lrelyonleelingoverwhelmedbybeingin
love, andyoucan trelyonleellngthere snothlngbetterto
do. 1hetwo olyouhave to dosomethlnglundamentally
lrratlonalproposesomethlngthat slessenoyableand
moreemotlonallyexpenslvethanpractlcallyanyother
lelsureactlvltyavallable.
Andwhatabouttheactualsexyouaregolngtohave
whenyougetaround to havlnglt?
very oneolus learns about sexwhenwehavethebody
olayoungperson.Eythetlmewe rethlrty,vlrtuallynoone
hasthatbodyanymore.Andlorty?Youcanlooklantastlc.
Youcanhavegreats(le,thatspeclalsomethlngthatstlll
attractsattentlon.Eutyounolongerhavethebodyyouhad
whenyouwerelearnlngaboutsex.1hebodyyouhavenow
behavesdillerently, doesn tit?
!lyouuseyouryoung adultvlslonolsexwlthyour
maturebody,you re golng tohavetrouble. Andyour
emotlonswlllrebel. llsexmeans, lorexample, lnstant
wetness,rock-harderectlon, poundlnglntercourse,and
slmultaneous orgasm, youwlllleelanxlousaboutlalllng
andthat sanotherreasontonotlnltlate sex, ortonot
respondwhenyourpartnerdoes.
Ontheotherhand,llyouputtogetheradlllerentvlslon
olsexthatlsattunedtoyourcurrentsltuatlonabodywlth
alewdlngs, apartnerwholsn tyoung,llmltatlonsoltlme
and place, emotionalscars-you llbemorewillingto
lnltlate, slnce your chance olasatlslylngencounterlsmuch
greater.1hatmeans youhaveto change alewolyourldeas
aboutthemeanlngoldeslre andarousal, olsexual
lunctlon and dyslunctlon.
!nlact,youhavetochangethewayyouthlnkaboutsex.
Olcourse,changlngyourvlslonolsexcanleel
uncomlortable!l !werestlllyoung!wouldn thaveto
change myvlslon, or, !l!were stlll greatlnbed !
wouldn thavetochangemy vlslonandsoyouhaveto
cometotermswlththlsnecesslty.!lyoudo, andyou
changeyourvision, andyou rewillingtopushyoursellto
partlclpate, andyourexpectatlonsaredlllerent, andyou
haveasense olhumor andsome humlllty,youmlghtcreate
somethlngenoyable.
lowondersomanypeopledon t.
!nthls book, you llmeetmorethanthreedozenolmy
patlents.1hey renlcepeople (well, mostly) , buttheymake
sexdlHcultlorthemselves.1heymakeltaboutbelng
normal,abouthldlng,aboutromance, aboutbelngyoung,
aboutperlectlon,aboutbelngwomanly,aboutdesperately
trylngnottolall.
So olcoursetheyleellntlmldated,resentlul,
pesslmlstlc,enervated.Andtheyblame.theyblamesex,
women,pornography, menopause,lheeconomy, lhelrsmall
breasts, stress. !llkemostolmy patlents, but! malrald
lt speoplellke these whoglvesexabadname.
Mypatlentswantsextobe natural and spontaneous,
to usthappen. Manyreecttheldeaolputtlngellort lnto
creatlngadult sex, sotheyust retreatlnto adolescentsex
allalrs,romancenovels, !nternetchat, constant
pornography,lowdeslre.
Eutlt stlmelorusalltogrowupandrelearnhowto
experlenceoursexuallty.!t stlmelorSexual!ntelllgence.
\hatlsthat?
5eoa!1nte!hence" 1nIorma/ion Emot1ona!5I1h
Sod|Awarene
Here saprevlewolthls ldea.
Sexualntelllgencelstheabllltytokeepsexln
perspectlveregardlessolwhathappensdurlngsex.
1ogetmoreoutolsex,wehavetochange.1o
changeweneedadlllerentperspectlve. Sexual
!ntelllgencelsthatperspectlve.
Sexual!ntelllgencelsuselullndlllerentwaysat
dlllerenttlmesolllle. lnourtwentles,lnexplorlng
thesexualworld, lnourthlrtles,lnbondlngwltha
partnerandestabllshlngasexualrhythm,lnour
lortles, lntoleratlngandadaptlngtochange, lnour
lltles,lnsaylnggood-byetoyouthlulsex,lnour
slxtlesandbeyond,lncreatlnganewsexuals(le.
1hlslsgoodnewslthelpsexplalnwhyyoumaynot
have beenabletolmprovesex (becauseyouhaven tbeen
changlngyourparadlgm) ,andltshouldglveyouhopethat
there ssomethlngyouhaven ttrledthatmlghtwork.
1he Sexualnlelligenceperspecliveprediclsand
explalnssomeolthekeyleaturesolcontemporary
sexuallty.
\hyVlagradoesn thelpalotolpeople,eventhough
ltglvesthemerectlons
\hylearnlngnewposltlons doesn tlmprove
lrustratlngsex
\hydeslre problems arethemostcommon lssue
peoplebrlngtosextherapy
\hydeslre problems aresextherapy sunresolved
treatmentchallenge
\hy!nternetpornusehasrlsenastronomlcally,and
whysomanypeoplemakeorenoyamateurporn
\hymoslpeopleIeelsobadwhenthey resexually
dlssatlsled
Sexual!ntelllgenceallowsustousesexualltyto express
ourselvesauthentlcally.\ecanhavesexwlthoutlt, ol
course, butltwon tnecessarllyreLectwhoweare (orthlnk
weare) .\henwearesexuallydlssatlsled,we(plcally
don tlookatourSexual!ntelllgence. \etrytolxthe
wrong thlngserectlons, orgasms, lubrlcatlon,anaglng
bodybutevenlltheselxesaresuccesslul, thatusually
doesn tmakethesexmoreenoyable. !t sllketrylngto
teach aplg toslng. youultlmately don taccompllshwhat
youwant, andltmostlyustannoysthe plg.
5eoa!1nte!hence1whatet|ooIImado!ecente
toado!te. !t swhat getsyou lrom hormone-drlvensex to
sexyouchoose. !t swhatgetsyoulromsexhastovalldate
me to !valldate mysexuallty. !t swhatallowsyouto
adaptsextoyoursell, lnstead olyou adaptlng tosex.
Alterthlrtyyearsolllstenlngtosexuallylrustrated,
unhappy, conlused,resentlul,anxious, impulsive,andsell-
crltlcalpeople,! venotlcedtheslmllarltleslnallthat
unsatlslylngsex.Eutsatlslylng, llle-aHrmlngsexls
dlllerent.!tcomeslnanlnlnltenumberolLavors,created
anewbyeachpersonandeach couple. Iet slndoutwhat
|oorverslonlsandhowtouseyourSexual!ntelllgenceto
create lt.
Anwertoqo1.onae 1.
EachoItheetentatement1 troe.
1dI/ LDc
J61H_ !H6 JlH!H
FDOH! `6X
Ch3_|cICnc
VHdI LO 6O_6 Cd_
JH6_VdHI IOH C6X
VHdI LOJH6_16_VdHI
Lar!toncametoeeme w1th a1m!e qoet1on. |h|
don 't1wantto hate1ntercoore "
e,otanotherda|1n the oce.
tar!ton1are/ireden1neer, an1end!|-!ooI1n1t|-
e1ht-|ear-o!do| w1th aqo1cIm1!e. !e to!dme he hada
new1r!/r1end, L1naa!thooh '1r!/r1end' 1aIonn|
wordIora1t|-three-|ear-o!dwoman, "he !aohed.
tar!ton waa|earootoIath1rt|-|ear-Ionmarr1ae,
wh!chsoondedterr!b!e. !!swIIe, Cenet!ete, d!sao!nted
thathercareer1nrea!etatenetertooIoIIandthathe
neterhadI1d, hadtoIedb1tterandco!ddecadebeIore.
!ehadw10drawnnrtIromher, thenIrom!iIe 1nenera!.
|eeIaIterweeI, heenth1 /ime worI1nandato1d1n
Cenet1ete. 5ehadneterbeencenba!to the1rmarr1ae,
andthe|oontoed
|hen Cenet1etenna!l|d1torcedh1m1nd1ot, hewa
!eIta!one. Aboote1htmonth!ater, hemetL1na throoha
n1end `1coo!dn 'tbe!iete1t,"hebeamed. 5he wa warm,
n1end!|, co!or:!, oIo!loI !iIe." 7he|had!onchaIew
t1me, andetentoa!l|wereend1neter|aIternoon
toether. 7hen1twaeter|eten1n, too.
5he!otedtoI1, hea1d1waoodat1t, "hea1d
sh|! notqo!tc!ooI!natmc. Noonchadsa!dthattoh!m
1nce he wae1hteen. 5o oon we weredo1nother
h|1ca!th1n, andetentoa!l|we wereeoa!1n!otoI
d1erentwa|. |e 'denda!lmorn1nIoo!inaroond. 1t
wareat! "
1n theaIteIoonthe|'dooot1ntothewor!dh1I1n,
b1I1n, ee1no!dmot1e,o1ntomoeom. !e
red1coteredh1!oteoImo1c. 1t waade!ir1oot1me. 5he
he!edh1m bo|omenew, moret|!ihclothe. LooI, 1'm
wear1na1!Ih1rt, "hem1!ed Andhedreeo Ior
me, etenaroondthehooe. Fabo!oo! "
Sotshc wantcd!ntcrcoorsc. !c d!dn't. 5hcasIcdwh|.
!e d1dn 'tInow. 5he oetedhe eeme.
5owh|don't1want1ntercoore " heaIed.
|h| do|ooth1nI|oodon 'twant1ntercoore " 1
reonded.
|e!l, L1na 'coone!ora|1'mrobab!|ana1doI
1n/imac|. And1awathera1tIoraIewe1onbeIore
ee1n|oohea|1'mhe1tanttoaomem|man!|ro!e
1n th1re!at1onh1, eecia!l|aIterbe1nemaco!ated1n
m|marr1ae.
1 thatwhat|oo th1nI"
|m, !tdoesn 'trea!l|soondr!ht, bot!don 'tInow.
Ioen 'teter|one want1ntercooreL1na'ohotIor1t. 5he
wear1U !ote1t. |hat 'wronw10me "
|e!l, "1a1d, toI1nthecontent1ona!w1dom o1de
down, wh|hoo!d|oo want1ntercoore "
1neter0oohtoIthat.Ioen 'teter|one "
|e 'renothere tod1coeter|one, tar!ton,ot|oo.
oo 'renottr|ntoconce1te,are|oo " |e bothchocI!ed.
7hen wh| hoo!d1ntercoore beecia!, wh| hoo!d1tbe
attheto oIomeh1erarch| "
7h11rett|trane ta!I, "heannoonced, bothe wa
1nb1oed
oo 'rehat1nthebeteoI |oor!iIe, r1ht,
tar!ton"
P!ht. "
oo 'rehat1nareatt1me, a!moteter|da||oo 're
I11nand tooch1na!ote!|node woman who 'eneret1c
andentho1at1c, r1ht "
P1ht. "
oo 'rebothhat1n oramand!eaore, and|oo 're
!ooI1nateach otherthe who!e t1me. |h| chane
an|01n"
!e thoohtaboot1tIora wh.Je. 7henhea1dqo1et!
5he ' theone who wantmeto want1ntercoore. 5hea|
he want toIee!de1red, andthat 'howa womanInowa
mandcs!rcshcr. SotoIcoorsc!dcs!rchcr!!tc!lhcr
contan/l|, andwe 'rea!wa|hat1ne, etenH 1'mnot
tota!l|1nthemood."
tar!ton wano !a.|!oter, "andhe!otedeand
1n/imac|w1thL1na.Sotahetarteda|nmoreattent1on
toh1actoa!eer1encew1thher, herea!i.edhe waIee!in
boedaroond. Andhe 'nertooabootwh|1don 'twant
tocrew, "hea1d ''/ 'met/in /iredoIreaor1nher. "
L1naIeta|nhewantedtar!ton tomaIe!otetoher
!t1eaman. " 1don 'trea!l|oIor that, "heIrowned. 1t
eemedcleartomehewan'talrald oIbe1n man!|"he
ostd!dn 'tLnd!tter|enterta!n!n. AshersenseoIorenc|
abootth11ncreaed, heIoondh1me!/1ncrea1n!|reentIo!
andthatcaredh1m.
tar!ton,|oo 're!t1e5!ee1nSeaoq, "1a1d. oor
month w10L1nahate woIen|ooo, wh1ch1!or1oo. At
nrt|oowe!comedhera |ooro1debacI1nto!iIe.Now
|oo 're becom1nmore1ndeendent, andomeoI L1na'
r11d1/ieand1necor1t1eare!o1nthe1rcharm. "
e, "henoddedt1oroo!|. 1t 'm|!iIe, and1don't
hatetodoeter|th1nherwa|1nIact, 1wanttoIeeome
oIm|o!dh1rt! " |eboth!aohed.
1'm nertoo abootconnont1nher, "hecon/inoed 1
wanttobc w!thhcr, bot!can 't!cthcr tc!l mchowtomaIc
!ote. And1can't!etherbo!l|me1ntobe1nherI1ndoI
man.
1n Iact, the|a!motbroIeowhen tar!tontarted
et/inome!im1t w1thL1na. SotaIterweeIoIqoarre!in,
the|ondertoodtheme!te and each o0era!otbetter.
|hen1ntercoore1n't!oadeddown w1th a!lth1
reore andmean1n, 1m1htnnd1tmore1nteret1n, "he
a1d Fornow, we 'teareedthatreate1more
1mortantthan whatI1ndoIreate. At!eat, hea| we
cando thatIora wh1!e, and0en we canta!Iaa1n. "
Vh8I l0Ul0 C8_
\hatdomostmenandwomensaytheywantlromsex?
Ontheonehand,varlous people mentlonabroadrange
olthlngs. orgasm, lntlmacy, leellngdeslred,agreatblow
ob,lotsolklsslng,ahardpenls,llght spanklng, and
satlslylngthelrpartner,toname alew.
Ontheotherhand, almosteveryone sanswercomes
downtothls. whatmoteo!ea|0e|wantIrome1
ome comb1na/ionoI!eaoreandcloene.
Yet, asasextheraplst, !can tell you that that snotwhat
mostpeoplelocusondurlng sex. 1hlnkaboutltdoyou?
Sowhatdopeoplewhatdoyoulocusondurlngsex
lnstead?
Howtheylook
Howtheysmell
Howtheysound
Preventlngunwantedactlvlty(lorexample,havlng
thelrshoulderbltten)
gnoring (orpreventing) pain
Hurrylngtocllmax
1rylngnottocllmaxtoo gulckly
Malntalnlngan erectlonorlubrlcatlon
Suppresslngemotlons
1rylngtolunctlon therlghtway
Sllently,lndlrectlyurglngthelrpartnertodoacertaln
actlvlty(suchasstroklngthelrclltorls)
!t snotsurprlslngthatllpeople saytheywantonethlng
lromsexandthenspendtheexperlencelocusedon
everythlngecetthat,they llbedlssatlsled.
Eutpeoplesaytheylocusonthoseotherthlngs (llke
howtheylook,orsuppressingtheiremotions) !nordcrto
have better sex. ! don twanthlmturnedollbymyblg
butt, somewomensay, so!usuallydon tlethlmgetme
lrombehlnd. ! veheardmensaythlngsllke, ! malways
alraldsheleelsboredwhlleshe sglvlng meoral sex, so!
guess! mconstantlychecklnglsshe lrownlng,doesshe
seemuncomlortable?
!ntheguestlorsexualsatlslactlon, manypeople
especlallylnslstonlocuslngonhowthelrgenltallaare
worklng. ! need to know! mgonna stayhardlong enough
lormywlletobesatlsled, or, \hen!thlnk! mtaklng
toolongto climax, hurry up, orevenlakeit.
Mostpeopledon tthlnkolthlsasadlstractlon, butltls
blggerthandlrtydlshesorunpaldblllscouldeverbe.
Foco1nonhow|ooren1orvo!ta1worI1n1an
enormood1tract1onnomoro1n!eaoreor1nt1macy
Althoughmanypeoplethlnkthat sthewayto makesex
better, ! malraldthey reexactlywrong.
Alotolpeople (andalotoltheraplsts)apparentlydon t
understandthat.\henpeoplecometomyoHce,theynever
say, Pleasehelpmestoplocusingonmyerections,my
orgasms, mydeslreto lunctlontherlghtwaylt s
preventlngmelromenoylngsex. lo,l lanythlng,they
wantmetohelpthemdothosethlngs better. Ooc,howcan
!makeuscllmaxat thesametlme?` Ooc,howdo !stay
harddurlngoralsexevenwhenshe sbelngtoorough?
Helplngpeopleldentllywhatthey reactuallythlnklng
aboutdurlngsexlspowerlul.Helplngthemreallzethatthelr
thoughtsareolten obstacles tosatlslactlonlsevenmore
powerlul.
Manypeopleare watch1nthemselvesdurlngsexmore
thantheyare exer!encinsex,whichtypicallyundermines
sexual enoyment.\eusuallylmaglne, harshlyudge, and
worryaboutwhatourpartnersees,smells, hears, andtastes.
1hlslslarmoredlstractlngthanthlnklngaboutworkor
laundry. Eecauseoncesexbecomesabouthowweappearto
others,wecan tstopmonltorlngourselves.\e re
constantlymaklngdeclslonsabouthowauthentlcto be, and
howmuchto pose. (1hlslsonereasonmen andwomen
lakeorgasms.) 1hlscontlnualvlgllancedramatlcally
dlsrupts ourerotlc leellngs,expresslon, andsatlslactlon.
!t sllketrylngtoenoydlnnerwhllewearlngabrand-
newexpenslvewhltesult.venllyousucceedlnkeeplng
thesultclean,constantlypaylngattentlontolteventually
takes over, andrulns, themeal.
LK8_, SU V0 lUCuS Un UIh0i SIull.
Vh_
\hetherlt sourblgbelllesorourlncreaslnglygraypublc
halrorourno-Ionger-gulte-so-perkybreasts (remember,
breastsdon tSaswegetolder,theyre!a) ,whetherlt s
ourconcernaboutkeeplnganerectlonlongalterourpartner
hashadenoughthrusting,orourlearolsmellingbadwhile
ourpartnergoesdownonus, whydowelocuson
extraneousstullllkethlsdurlngsex?
Onereasonlsthatwe thlnkthlslswheresexlnessllves
ordles, andwethlnk sexlnesslscruclalto satlslactlon.
\e lladdressthlsdamaglng (andlncorrect) bellelsoon
enough. Eutanotherreasonlsthatthereare,alterall,other
thlngswewantlromsexbesldespleasureandcloseness.
Formostwomenandmen,thoseneedscanlnclude.
Reassurancethatwe resexuallydeslrable
Reassurancethatwe resexuallycompetent
Valldatlonolourmascullnl(orlemlnlnlty
Asense thatwe renormal
Rellellromperlormanceanxle(
. . . andsoon.
Alotolourbehavloraroundsexlsdeslgnedtoaddress
theseotherneeds, whetherweacknowledgethemornot. As
we llsee, ourstrateglesusuallyaren tsuccesslul, butwe
usethemanyway. Andltturnsoutthatwe reputtlngalotol
pressureonsextoaddressthese essentlallynon-sexual
needs. 1o putltanotherway,mostolushaveemotlonal
needsthatwetryto addresswlthsex,butsexlsnotthe best
waytosatlslythem.
Forsome people, reassurance,validation,andrelielare
therealpayolls olsex. Sure, pleasureandclosenessare
great, buttheycan tcompetewlthleellngwhole,leellng
real,leellngnormal,andleellng ! mgoodenoughand!
canrelaxloramlnute. And! velearnedthatthat swhat
manypeoplearetrylngtoaccompllshvlasex.
! mnotsaylngthatpeople don` / wantpleasureor
closenesslromsex. Mostpeopledowantsomecomblnatlon
olpleasureandclosenesslromsexa|'crlheirolher
emotlonalneedsare met.
People don tnecessarllyknowthlsaboutthemselves.
Eutllyou restruggllngwlththeseemotlonalneeds,
pursulngthemthroughperlormance-orlentedsex,andyou
don treallzelt,youmayleelthatsexlsmoretroublethan
lt sworth,orthatleellngalonedurlngsexlsnormal, orthat
sexlsnotthetlmetoleelllke yoursell.
1hat swhatmypatlentsusuallymeanwhentheysay
thlngs llke, Sexlsn tasgreatasltusedto be, or,
Somethlng smlsslnglromsex,and! mnotsurewhatlt
is.
Attemptlngtolndlrectlygetvalldatlon,reassurance, and
other psychologlcallulllllmentlromsexespeclallyllwe
don tadmltouragenda toourselvesorlnlormourpartner
makessexcompllcated, unpredlctable, andalotolwork.
\emakeltevenharderonourselvesbycreatlngnarrow,
rlglddelnltlonsolthesatlslactlonswe seek, llmanllness
meansalwaysbelngerectregardlessollatlgue,lorlnstance,
orcompetent meanscllmaxlngeverytlme,sexual
successwlllbelrustratlnglyeluslve.
Perhapsthlshelpsexplalnwhyyouaren tlocusedon
pleasureandclosenessdurlngsex. t sbecauseyou realso
looklnglorsomethlngelse, whetheryouknowltornot.
1hlsalsohelpsexplalnwhysomanypeoplearesexually
dlssatlsledbecausesexlsn tdellverlngwhattheyreally
want, lnlactcan'tdellverwhattheywantthroughgenltal
excellence.Andanypsychologlcalsatlslactlonyou
accldentallygetdoesn tstlcktoyourrlbsbecauselt s
lndlrect, unacknowledged, andLeetlng.
!lyoudon ttellyourpartneraboutthlsotheragenda,
lt seasytoleelalonedurlngsex. Andolcourse, lt sharder
tocreatethesexyouwantwhenyoudon tlnvolveyour
partnerdlrectly.
!lyou resomeonewhowantsmore communlcatlon
aroundsex, thlslsagoodplacetostart. tellyourpartner
thatyouwantmorelromsexthanustamazingorgasms
(whetheryoucurrentlyhavethemornot) . Eutmakeltclear
thatyou renotasklngyourpartnerto glveyouagood
emotlonalexperlence (thatdoessoundllkedrudgery) ,tell
yourpartnerthatyouseeyoursexllleasacollaboratlon,
andthatyoureallzeyouneedto stepupablttoo.
MypatlentCralg,lorexample,leltlntlmldatedbyhls
newglrllrlend sveryactlvesexualpast.Althoughlllewas
openwlthhlmaboutlt,healwayslelttherewasmoretoher
story. !tdldn thelpthathehadn tgottenoverhlslrst
wlle slnldelltybelorehebecamelnvolvedwlthsomeone
new.
\hatCralgreallywantedtohearwasthathewasthe
bestloverllleeverhadpartlybecausehelelt
competltlvewlthallherprevlouspartners,andpartly
becausehelearedloslngherthewayhe dlosthlslrstwlle.
Euthenevertoldlllethlslnaslmple, stralghtlorward
way. Altertheywouldmakelove (threeorlourtlmes most
weeks) ,he dalwaysaskllsheenoyedlt, llshecllmaxed
(asllhecouldn tseeorhearlthlmsell' ) , llshewas
satlsled. lotthatshewasshyaboutherenoyment,but
gettlnghertosayyes,yes,yes,washlswayolarranglngto
leelsexually competentandimportant.Althoughhedidn t
admltlttohlmselluntllourtherapy,thlswasustas
lmportant tohlmasthe lntlmacy orpleasureheleltlrom
maklng lovewlthllle.
l0ilUim8nC0 FnX0I_
Formanypeople, sexlsmostlyaboutsuccessandlallure.
whetherornottheyunlntentlonallyhurt,dlsappolnt,or
annoythelrpartner,orexposethemselvesaslnadeguateor
lnexperlenced, ormakealoololthemselves. Freguently
peopleare concerned thattheirbodywon tdowhatit
should (llkegetanerectlon) orthatltwllldowhatlt
shouldn t (llkewetthebed) . Formllllonsolmenand
women, ! dldn tmessthatup too badly lsas goodassex
gets.
Aswe llseelater,oneolthewonderlulthlngsaboutsex
lsthatwe canmakeltaplacewheremlstakesareslmplynot
posslble, andwherevlrtuallynothlngcangowrongnot
becausewe become sexuallyperlect, butbecausewe
radlcally redelne sexual success.
Meanwhlle,herearethesoundsolperlormance
anxiety, straightlrommypatients. Perhapsyou vesaidor
thoughtoneormore oltheseyoursell, anxlousthatyou
mlghtnot perlorm as expected byeltheryourpartneror
yoursell.
She sexpectlngsexonherblrthdayand!can t
guarantee! llbel nthemood.
!can tcompetewlthMeganFoxorAngellna]olle.
\ewentoutlastweekwlthacouplethatustlellln
love. !t slntlmldatlngto bewlthpeoplesohotlor
eachother.
Oprahsaysllyoucan tgetltup,lt selthermylault
or your lault.
Myglrllrlendustlostwelghtandboughtllngerle
whatll ! mnotlnterestedenough?
!t sbeenaperlectSaturdaynlght! dhatetorulnlt
byagreelngtohavesexandthencomlngtoosoon.
He hasn thadsexlnaweek, andtomorrowtheklds
returnlromcamp.
1hatllmwesawlastweekturnedouttobereally
sexy,andwewerebothsgulrmlnguncomlortably.
Mostpeoplewantto perlorm welldurlngsex,
lmaglnlngthatlt sthebestwaytocreatesatlslactlon (and
avold lallure andthelrpartner sdlsappolntment) .Eut
especlallyslncesomucholsexual perlormance lsbeyond
ourcontrol(wecan twillanerectionorlubrication) ,the
needto perlormwellleadstoanxle(.!ronlcally, leellng
pressuretoperlormsuccesslullydurlngsexcreatesand
malntalnsmucholthesexualdlHcultyandlrustratlonthat
peoplelear,andultlmatelyhave. Peoplecrave rellellrom
thlspressure,whllelamentlngthat rellellslmposslble.
Olcourse,pursulngrellellromperlormanceanxletyby
attemptlngtoperlormbetterlsexactlythewrongwaytodo
ltbutclearlythat swhatmanypeoplelmaglnewlllwork.
\ecanlaughatthesuperstltlonsolstarathletes. Mlchael
]ordanwearlnghlslorth CarollnashortsunderhlsEulls
unlIormeverygame,orPeytonMannlngreadlngthe
stadlumprogramcovertocoverbeloreeverygame. Eut
whlletheserltualsareharmless,locuslngonsexual
perlormancelsn tlnlact, ltoltenmakesour
perlormanceworse.!maglnehowgulcklyMlchael]ordan
woulddltchthoseshortsllheknewtheywereundermlnlng
hlsshootlng'
1oday ssell-helplndustry,psychologyandmedlcal
experts,andmarrlagerevlvalworkshopsnottomentlon
Vlctorla sSecretlgnorethlsbaslctruth. 1heytryto help
people havebettersexbyleavlngthelrlaulty assumptlons
andrlglddelnltlonsln place, slmplyaddlnggendermyths
andsunny youcando lt encouragementontopolthem.
Eutllkeconstructlngabulldlngonashakyloundatlon,lt s
amlstake,onethatmakesthesexual lallure peoplelear
almostlnevltable.1hat swhysomucholmycaseloadls
peoplewhohave lalledwlthothertheraplstsand
programs.
Andthen women areblamed. Or men areblamed.
Orsexisblamed.\hilewe reatit, let srememberto
blamepornography,stress, menopause, you vegalned
welght, andallthatemallthat salwaysplllngup.
Attemptlngtoresolveemotlonallssuesaroundsexby
trylngtohaveamazlngsexlsllkeattemptlngtoresolvethe
emotlonal needs we brlng toathletlcsbytrylngtobean
amazlng athlete.
\henmypatlent ]uanwasakld, hewasterrlbleat
sports. Hewantedtopleasehlslather,asoccerplayerwho
treatedhlsphyslcallyawkwardsonharshly. !nresponse, ol
course,]uanalwaystrledtoohard,whlchmadeplaylngwell
evenmore dillicult-andevenilhehadplayedwell, there s
noway hecouldhaveenoyedlt.Asachlld,]uanhad
emotlonalneeds connectedwlthsportsleellngworthyol
hlslather slove,leellngconnectedwlthothershlsage
thathecouldn tsatlsly.
Ratherthanuslngsportsasthewaytoaddressthese
lnternallssues, ]uanmlghthaveusedadlllerentvehlcle
(lnterestlngconversatlon,asharedhobby, prlde lna
career)excep/thathewaaI1dInderstandably,he
bellevedthatboth hls paln andltssolutlonwerelocatedln
sports.
Asanadult,]uanshouldnowreallzethatweekend
athletlcsareustlorlun, buttheystlllleelterrlblylmportant
to hlm, andltdrlveshlmcrazywhenhedoesn tsucceed.
1hat sbecausetheemotlonalpalrlnghelearnedln
chlldhoodlsembeddedln]uan sunconsclous.
\ouldyouhavetoldyoung]uanthattheanswertohls
problemswlthhlslatherwastobeabetterathlete? Ol
course not. \hatabouttheadult]uanwouldyoutellhlm
toustworkharderandbecomeabetterathlete, orwould
yousuggestsomethlngmorepsychologlcallysophlstlcated?
1hat stheposltlonmanypeoplearelnaboutsexuallty.
1hey retrylngto resolveoneoranotherpsychologlcal
problembytrylngtocreateamazlngsex.Andltslmply
doesn twork. !knowmostpeoplethlnkthewayto resolve
theemotionalneedstheybringtosexisbyhavingamazing
sex. Inlortunately,mostmedlashrlnksandcllnlcal
prolesslonalsagree.
1hey rewrong.
Eesldes, youcan tevenhaveamazlngsexwhenyou re
locusedonotheremotlonalneeds (especlallyllthey re
unconsclous) . 1hat sllkeexpectlngtoenoyaconcertor
playwhenyou realraldeveryone sstarlngatyou, smlrklng
atwhatyou rewearlng. Andsopeoplepursueamazlngsex,
buttheygetneltherthelremotlonalnorthelrsexualneeds
met.Andthenthey rereallydlsappolntedandoltenangry
orsell-criticalaswell.
So let sgobacktowhatpeoplereallywantlromsex.
Mostpeopledon ttalkaboutthlsaccuratelyelther
because theydon thavethevocabularyorbecause they re
embarrassed, hesltant, orscaredto usewords. (\hat s|oor
reason?) !lpeopledld talk aboutwhat they want lrom sex
thoroughlyandaccurately,they duselanguagethat s
prlmarllyexperlentlalratherthanlunctlonal. 1hatls,lnstead
oltalklngaboutwhatthelrbodles mlghtdo,they dtalk
abouthowtheywouldllketoIee!
Andhowdopeoplewanttoleelbelore, durlng,alter,
andwlthregardtosex?Mycllnlcalexperlencesuggeststhat
peoplewantto leel .. .
In-sell-consclous
Youthlul
Cracelul
Passlonate
Ilketheyhaveallthetlmelntheworld
Attractlve
Competent
Speclal
Ilkethey relnventlngsex
Inlntlmldated
Allthlsdoessoundgreat,doesn tlt?1he challenge lsto
createsuchexperlences wh1!e|oore!a. Otherwlse,there s
allmlttohowmuchyoucanenoysuchleellngs. Alterall,
howmuchcanyouenoybelngtoldyou reattractlvewhen
you realraldyoullwetthebedorloseyourerectlon?
Lh8n_n_ Uui C0Xu8l `SUn
Putanotherway,durlngsexpeoplewanttoleeltheway
theyleltwhentheywereemerglngadults. Orthewaythey
lmaglneotheryoungadultslelt. Andsotheysaythlngs
aboutsexllke.
!wantspontanel(.
!don twanttocommunlcate!ustwanttodolt
andhaveeverythlngworklne.
\hycan tsexustbenatural?!hate thewaylt sall
compllcatednow.
1hlnklngtoomuchaboutsextakesawaythe
romance,lhemyslery.
1alklngtoomuchaboutsexmakesltmechanlcal.
Ilstenlngtoleellngsllkethese,anyonewouldthlnkthat
erotlclsmlssodellcateandephemeralthatltdlsappearsll
weshlneanyllghtonlt,ormentlonltabove awhlsper. And
yet!understandpeople sanxlety, lrustratlon, and
resentmentaboutthis. Formanymenandwomen, sex
seemedsoeasywhentheywere younger, andltseemsso
muchmorecompllcatednow.
arlyadulthood(roughlyageelghteentotwenty-lve) ls
thetlmewhenmostpeoplearesettllnglntothelrsexual
ldentltles,typlcallywrestllngwlth guestlons llke. \hoam!
regardlngsex?\hat smyrelatlonshlptosexuall(?\hat
wlllltsrolelnmylllebe?\hatdosexualsatlslactlonand
sexual lrustratlonleelllke?\hatare reasonable responses
toeach?
!t swhlleyouhaveayoungbodyandyouthlullllestyle
thatyou remakingyourmost serious decisionsaboutsex.
\hatdoes horny leelllke?Howdo menreallyleelabout
womenwholovesex?!sblrthcontrolreallylmportant?
\hatklndolsexlsmanly?!soralsexreallysex?Answera
lewhundredguestlonsllketheseremember,wlththe
perspectlveolayouthlul bodyandlllestyleandthat s
yoursexualldentlty, yourvlslonolwhatl t meansloryouto
besexual.
Ioglcally, asbothourbodlesandlllestyleschange, our
sexualvlslonneedsto changetoo.Alterall,mostolustend
tochange ourvlslonandsell-lmageaboutotherlmportant
things,suchaswork,lood,lamily, andhealth.Eutmany
people,mlsledbythemedla, thelashlonlndustry,
successlulaglng psychologlsts, andothers, don tchange
thelrsexualvlslonovertlmeandthatmeanstrouble.
AlotolmypatlentshavedlHcultyreconclllngasexual
vlslonthat stenortwentyorthlrtyyearsoutoldatewltha
bodyandlllestylethatcan tsupportthatvlslon
comlortably.Ratherthanchallengeandreshapethevlslon,
mostolthemsaythatthere ssomethlngwrongwlth
themselvesorthelrpartner,andtheywantmetolxoneor
both.
1here snolackoltheraplsts(or1Vcommerclalslor
drugs,cosmetlcs, andalcohol) who agreethatsuchpeople
havea dyslunction. Eutpursuingasexualvisionthat s
llteenyearsoutoldate (andperlormlngpoorlyatlt' )lsn t
a dyslunctlon. !t saculturallyandpsychologlcallydrlven
mlstake.
!nstead, !polntoutto mypatlentswhatthelrsexual
vlslonlsthegenderstereotypes,themythsabout
lntercourseororgasm,the assumptlonthatlonellnessdurlng
sexlslnevltable.!helpthemseehowsuchavlslonls
obsolete, and!helpthemcraltanewone.1hlslswhere
Sexual!ntelllgencelshelplul.\edealwlththelrgrlel,
sadness, anger,ordespalraboutlettlnggo ololdsexual
dreams-sotheycaneventuallycreatenew,morerealistic
ones.
Peopleno longeryoung(that smostadults) oltenwanta
sexlllethatmatchestheonetheyhadorwantedto have,
orbellevetheyshouldhavehadwhentheywereyoung.
Andthat swhatmucholthe sell-helplndustrysellssex
llkewhenwewereyoung. (1here sevenarldlculousnew
book called!ate 5eL1Ie oo(otAet . . . No Aatter!ow
Lonoo 'teSeen7oether, bytwowrlterswlthno
credentlalswhatsoever.\lthatltlellkethat,olcourse,the
bookwlllsellplenty. Cana]ennllerAnlstonllmbelar
behind?)
!tdoesn twork. !tcan t.
lo,sexlsn tgolngto bellkeltwaswhenyouwere
youngllby when!was young youmeanendless
physlcalenergy, hormone-crazed lust, allthetlme lnthe
world, sell-lndulgentlmpulslvltywlthnosenseolthe
conseguences,andapartnerwho syoungandalsowlld
wlth hormones. lo, sexlsnotgolngtobellkethatregularly
everagaln.
Inless,olcourse,youhaveacontlnulngserlesolnew
partnersortakereallywlldrlsksthatgetyouradrenallne
pumplng.Eutthatlsn thowmostadultswantto llvedo
you?
Sorrytodeliverthenewssodirectly.Psychologistrvin
Yalom, whounbllnklnglychallengespatlents tosee
themselvesandthelrrelatlonshlpsclearly,wasoncecalled
Iove sxecutloner (nowthetltleolhls I 989classlc
book) . Sometlmesmy patlentscallmeslmllarnames. Ilke
Youth sxecutloner. Orthe CrlmSpeaker. 1hey re
mostlygratelultohearthetruth,buttheyhatehearlngltust
thesame.
Allolthlsbelngsald, sexcanbedeeplysatlslylng
pleasurable,lun, lntlmatellyouwant. Eutyoumayhave
to change yourldeas aboutsatlslactlon. You need toelther
wantdillerentthings, ortoredelnethethingsyoucontinue
towant.
Youcan,lorexample,leelgracelul,youthlul,
competent, tlmeless, andun-sell-consclousdurlngsex.All
youhavetodolsmakeroomlnthlsdelnltlonlorlmperlect
bodles andlmperlect lunctlon (unllkewhenyouwere
younger) . !lyourbackhurts,yougoslowlnsteadol
poundlngyourpartnerandhurtlngyoursell.!lyoutendto
wetthebed,youputatoweldown lnstead oldlstractlng
yoursellbythlnklngaboutwettlngthebed.!lyoullkelots
olklsslng, youasklor(andyoudo) lotsolklsslng, rather
thanwishinglorit. laspankingismoreexcitingthan
klsslng,youasklorthatlnstead.
!lyou retaklngamedlcatlonthatmakesyourmouth
dry,youputaglassolwateronthenlghttableandyouuse
ltdurlngsex. Oltto lube. !lyourbreastshave,um,relaxed
overtlme, youdealwlthltonceandlorall, because
they renotgolngtomaglcallygetperkyovernlght. Flnlsh
deallngwlththatlssuenow, andyourbreastswlllneverbe
anobstacleto enoylngsexeveragaln.
\e lldlscusshowtolmplementanewsexualvlslonln
Part1hree.
So that slt. Sexual!ntelllgencemeansdeallngwlth
sexualltylnastralghtlorwardway,ratherthanhldlnglt,
denyingit, orblamingit.Youtalkaboutit.Youdon tput
yourenergylntopretendlngthatsexlsn tthewayltls.
Alewyearsago, !taughtasexualltysemlnarlorstudent
theraplsts atalancysouthern unlverslty. \henthey
couldn tgulteunderstandthls ldea, !usedtheanalogyol
havlngpeopleovertoyourhomelordlnner.!saldthat,
whenlnvltlngsomeone, agoodhostasks, !s there anythlng
youdon teat? Agoodguesttellsthetruth,respondlngthat
heorshelsallerglcto shelllsh oralmondsorwhatever.
1henthehostcancooksomethlngtheguestwlllllke,and
neltherguestnorcookwlllbedlsappolntedorembarrassed.
Oneolthestudentsscolled atmyvision. linviteyou
todlnner,!don taskanyguestlons, shesald. !makewhat
!want,andyoueatltornot ' \ell,!don twanttounlalrly
generallzeasto sexbut! certalnly wouldn twanttogoto
thatyoungwoman shouse lordlnnerwouldyou?
F w08nS, UI 8n Lnd
Ilkemostpeople,youprobablyassumethatcreatlng
enoyablesexregulresthatyourpenlsorvulvadothe
varloustrlcksltdld (orwassupposedtodo) whenyouwere
younger. Eutremember, eoa!Ionct1on1ameantoan
end,notanend1n1te!/Peopletalk about erectlons,
lubrlcatlon,andorgasmasllthosearethepolntolsex.Eut
thisvisionolsexiswaytoolimited.
Olcourse,lloneolyourprlmarygoalslnsexlsto not
messup toobadly, !understandwhyyouhavethlslocus.
!lyoubellevethatgettlngyourbodyto dowhatltusedto
do (orneverdld,but shoulddo)lswhatconstltutes
successlul sex, olcourseyou llgetattachedtothose
partlcularabllltles. Eutunllkemanytheraplsts, !don t
supportpeople sattachmenttothelunctlonlngtheybelleve
createssexualsuccess!treatthatattachmentS
rblcm.
So akeypartolSexual!ntelllgencelsreallzlngthat
yourbodylsnotgolngto havesexllkeltdldwhenyou
wereyounger. Some peoplelndthlsunacceptable, they d
ratherbeunhappyandstlllholdoutthe hopeolregalnlng
(orcreatlng) thelrsexualyouthlnsteadolchanglng
lnternallyandlearnlnghowtoenoysex.Alterall,most
peoplewouldratherhave andkeepatemporaryproblem
thanhaveandacceptapermanentproblem.
Forsomepeople, reectlngthlslnslghtlspartolthelr
larger (usuallyunconsclous) proectoldenylngthelraglng
orimpending dealh. 1hiscangoonwilhlhirly-year-oldsas
muchaswlthslx(-year-olds. Peoplewlththlsproecthave
blgger lshtolrythansex. 1hey re deallngwlththe most
serlousexlstentlallssuetherels.
! mverysympathetlcaboutpeople sdeslrelorpasslon.
Aswe llseethroughoutthlsbook,passlonlsposslblebut
ltwlllprobablylookdlllerentthanyouthoughtltwould.
\henadultsexperlencepasslon, lt susuallynotlnresponse
tolncredlblesexortheperlectbodylt susuallyln
responsetoglvlngthemselvespermlsslontoletgo
emotlonally.Moreonthataswegoalong.
1here sonemoreconcernpeoplehaveaboutbelng
sexuallyrelaxedandauthentlc.!t sterrlblydlstractlng,and
ltlnhlblts people belore, durlng,andaltersex. Youmlght
recognlzeltlnyoursellthe deslre tobesexuallynormal,
andthesusplclon (oroutrlghtanxlety)thatyou renot. !n
thenextchapter,we lllookat normall(anxletylndetall.
CL3_|ct 1nO
FH `OIHd
O_ 1OCuSlH_ OH ^O!H3 D|X
LHd|!HlH|S D|X
1ort|-|ear-o!d 7homaandIann1ah1h choo!
teacherandaccoontant, reect1te!|hadman|oIthe
th1nmotcoo!e want.Sotnote.
Andthat 'wh|the|came to me. |e!ote eachother,
botnooneeter1n1t1atee, "hea1d. e, "headded,
andwhen wehatee, 1t ' tene, we 'renertoo, 1t 'oter
rett|qo1cI. 1t1ntIon!t1e1thoo!dbe. "
|e!l, thate!a1n wh|noone1n1t1ate, 1thooht. Lote
won'teteo!e1ntobedtoooItenHtheemot!|otet
onthe1rnerte.
7homaandIann1clear!|eno|edthema!lamoontoI
/!mc/hc|had/oc/hcr (shcworIcd5a/orda|s and /wo
eten1neach week, wh.Jeh1hoor were 0eooa!Aonda|
throoh Fr1da|), botthe!acI oIehonoterthe1r!ite
!t1eadamra|ha.e. 1aIedeachoIthemwh| the|d1dn 't
1n1t1ate, and0e1ranwer were1m1!ar. |e 're ot1ht, "
Iann1a1d. |e 'retreed, " 7homaa1d |e 'reot
not1nthehab1toI1t, "Iann1a1d. |e 'reobo andb|
the /imebedt1mecome, we 'reottoot1red, " 7homaa1d.
Not1cea!lthe 'we 'andthe!acIoI'l ' " 1aIed. Let '
tr|!taa!n.1'd!t1c|oo cachto tc!lmcwh|you don 't
1n1t1atee. "AIteranertoo.Jence, the|d1d. ''1'mana1d1
won'tetaoodenooh erect1on, " 7homaa1dh|!|.
And1/1do, that1JcometooIatandIann1 w1hbe
d1ao1nted. And1'mconceIedthat1/1maIetoomoch
no1eoretcarr1edawa 1tw1!lcareher. "
Nowwewereet/inomewhere. Iann1 "
1Inowhe ' worr1edabootthattoII"hea1d 1t
maIeme ad to ee h1mo worr1ed, o1don'tencoorae
otomaIe!ote. P!o, when we dohateeand1eehow
hardhe ' tr|1nto!eaeme,1Iee!o.Jt|. "
5o1/7homas wcrcn'tconccIcdaboota!lthat, woo!d
|oobemore!t1e!|to1n1/iatee"1'te!eaIedtoaI
abooteo!e ' w1!!inne tolnltlatee,ratherthan0e1r
w1h1nnetohavee1etmochmore1nIormat1on that
wa|. |e!l, eten w1thoot0at . . . . "5hetoowah|. 5ee, 1
don 'ta!wa| oram, and1'mana1dhe '!lbed1ao1nted,
o 0at ' ooa!l|onm|m1ndwhen1th1nIaboote. 5o1/
1'mt1redorthere ' ome otherreaon1don 'tth1nI1J
come, orthat1tw1htaIea!ont1me, 1don't1n1t1ate. "And
thenheb!ortedoot, !erea!l|deerteabettere
artner thanme!"
7here wa!ent|to worI w1thhere. 1wa!adIorthem
that0e1rhea!th1norance wacoter1n oore1on. 1t
!ooIed!t1e the|woo!dneeda!ot oIthem.
7homaandIann1rem1ndedmeoIthecoo!e1n C
!enr|'tor| 7he C1RoItheAa1. " oo '!lreca!lthat1t
Ieatorea ter|!ot!nbotter|oor|ooncoo!e whowant
tobo|eachothera thr1tma1/t. 5hecotoIIande!lher
eqo11teha1rohecanbo|h1macha1nIorh1cher1hed
ocIetwatch;hee!lh1treaoredwatchohecan bo|
herrecioocombIorher1natoreha1r. OIcoore, each
oIthemharendered0eo0er'1/toe!e, botthe1r!ote
1armed
|e!l, 7homaandIann1 wereIee1nawa|Irom e
becaoe0e|d1dn 'twanttod1ao1nteachother. Andthe|
wcrcana!doId!sao!n/!ncacho0crbccaosc/hc|
aomedthatehadto be norma!. "11nteadoIa1r1n
tonorma!ethe|a1redtoe thatwa1nt1mateandIe!t
ood, the|coo!dmoreea.J|1ma1neeno|ab!ee
toether, andma|beetenhate1t on areo!arba1, the1r
chedo!enotw1thtand1n.
Andthat 'rett|mochwhat1to!dthem.
1|oo 're tr|n tocreateer/ecte, that 'o1nto be
1n/im1dat1n, whether|ooocceedorIa1!, "1a1d 5o|oo
needad1/Ierentoa!. Patherthantr| tocreateacerta1n
I1ndoIe, wh|don 't|ooot maIe !ote the wa||oodo
o/hcr/h!ns" !con/!nocd. !owwoo!d|oo charac/cr!cc
thewa||oodootherth1n toether|ooInow, hooe
roect,o1noottod1nner, watch1nIlI"
7he| ea.J|eneratedandareedonaha!Ido.en
word.cooerat1te, Ion, reectIo!, n1end!|, caab!e,
re!aed Andomet1me!a. " 7homaadded, andthe|
both!aohed
Creat, "1a1d. ooInow,noteter|coo!e1!t1e
th1.Sot1nce|ooare, wh|don 't|oootmaIe !ote the
wa||oodo eter|th1ne!e" 5ocha1m!e1dea, |eto
owerIo!.
OIcoorse/he|had/he!r obec/ions/o /h!s. |ha/!I/he|
ot1ntobed, were 'ottheme!te, "andnoth1n
haened |hat1/one oIthemacted1narea!l|eBh
wa||hat1/oneoIthem wanted I1nI|toII" |hat1/one
oIthem wa!eRonat1ned
7h11 0eoondoIeo!edeIend1n the1roon-to-be
obo!etearad1m.
F1rt, "1e!a1ned, ne1theroI |oo1o1ntoretea!
|oore!/adramat1ca!l|d1/Ierentthan|ooa!read|Inow
eachothertobe. oo won 'toonomee!nheoa!b1ne
becaoene1theroI |oo1 terr1b!|e!nh.Andne10eroI |oo
w1hretea!|oore!/a 'w.Jd!|I1nI'becaoene1theroI|oo
1an etremeortoI eron. A!thooh, "1a1d, w1tha!iht
m1!e, eachoI |oo1acreat1tete, andma|bee1a
!acc|oo 'tcbccnho!d!nbacIIrom cacho/hcr. 7ha/can
maIeebor1n, |ooInow. " 7he|!ooIedateachother
warm!|.
5econd, "1cont1noed, oILlUbt oneectedth1n
w1hhaen1n eH |oo 'reot|oore!te. 5omet1me|oo
won'twantto dotheameth1n, omet1meoneoI |oo w1!l
bemochmore eneret1cor:!l oIde1re than theother, and
omet1meno01n w1!lhaen|ooInow,|oo '!lbo0 be
!a.|andhoetheotherone w1!lto!onteertodomotoI0e
worI. " 7he|!aohedInow1n!|. |e 'teallhadthat
eer1ence.
7hcIac//ha/bc!n|oorsc!/somc/!mcs!cads/o/hc
oneected1nehe!Ieee1ntere/in, wh1ch1rea!l|
1mortant1n!on-termre!at1onh1. And1tmeanthate
1er1od1ca!l|cha!len1n, o1tcanbea teh1cleIor
erona!rowth. 51nce|oo '!lbedo1n1tw1th omeone|oo
rea!l|trot, 1t 'aaIemed1om. "
7he|eemed eroaded. And1nthecom1nweeI the|
d1dreortan1ncreae1n!otemaI1nandtheIactthatthe|
werere!aed, andeno|n1tmore. 1t '!t1emaI1n!ote
w1thaoodn1end, "a1d7homa. e, "Iann1areed,
1t '!t1eo1nome!aceIonandnotworr|1n, 1nteadoI
ebe1na!ace where worr|1bo1!t1n. "
Per/ect. 7he1r t11onoIewachan1n, othe|
worIedmoch!eat1t. And1nce the|Ioondeachother
atbact1teand!iIab!e, 1wacerta1n the|'dbehat1nmore
e. Aore1mortant! 0e|'dbeeno|n1tmore.
Vh8I S C0Xu8ll_ `Uim8l
Here swhat snormal . adultshavesexprlmarllywhen
they retlred.
1hlsshapestheguallty, content, andlreguencyolthe
experlence. Mostadultssavethelr prlmetlmelorthlngs
thatareeithermoreimportant (raisingtheirkids, working
alterhours, malntalnlngthelrhealth,handllngcrlses) or
morerellablysatlslylng(watchlng1V,golngout,sharlng
hobbles,playlngaroundonFacebook) .
lothavlngmuchenergylsoneaspectolnormalsex
thatmostpeople don` / want. Eutmanyadultsseemto
bellevethatmostsexwllllnevltablytake place when
they renotat thelrbest, wlthout conslderlngthe
conseguencesolthlsklndolsexlllethat ltmaybecome
routlne,notlnvolvemuchtlme,loseltsplaylulness, andthat
uslngcontraceptlonoralubrlcant may seemllketoo much
trouble.
!lwethlnkolnormal ascommon,typlcal,and
acceptedas thewaythlngsare, thlslswhatnormalsex
actuallylooksllke.
Awkwardnessandsell-consclousnessarecommon.
Communlcatlonlsllmlted.
leltherpartnerlaughsorsmllesmuch.
Oneorbothpartnersareobsesslvelyconcernedabout
perlormance.
Oneorbothareunsurewhatthelrpartnerllkes.
Oneorbothtoleratewhattheydlsllke,hoplngthatlt
wlllstop soon.
Masturbationiskeptsecret.
1here sdlHcultyuslngblrthcontrolwlthout
embarrassmentorconLlct.
Oeslreregulresaperlectenvlronment.
Sexlssometlmesphyslcallypalnlul.
Hebellevesthat herorgasmproblemreLectson
me.
Shebelievesthat hiserectionproblemreLectson
me.
Also,whetheryoungorold,gay orstralght, maleor
lemale,whenAmerlcanadultshavesex, theylreguently.
Aresell-consclousorsell-crltlcalaboutthelrbody
Oon tleelascloseto thelrpartnerasthey dllke
Oon tleelconldentthatthey regolngtohavea
goodtlme (whlchlswhytheydon tdoltmore
lreguently)
Are concerned aboutperlormanceeltherthelrown
orthelrpartner s
Feellnhlbltedaboutcommunlcatlngwhattheywant,
don twant, leel,ordon tleel
Healthproblemsarealsolreguentlypartolnormal
sexbecausenormalpeoplehavehealthproblems.
So, areyoustartlngtolookpretty normal?Areyou
startlngtoreallzethlsmlghtnotbetherlghtgoal?
!wanttochange thlngsloryouandnotbylmprovlng
yoursexuallunctlon. 1hls booklsn tllteraryVlagra. !t s
morellkellterarybralnsurgery (sorry, notummytuck,boob
ob, orhalrlmplants,ustbralnsurgery) .
1heawkwardnessandemotlonallsolatlondescrlbed
abovearewhatmostpeoplegetwhentheytryto have
normal sex. Andthat swhyyour vlslon olsexmatters.
So let sspendtherestolthechapterexplorlngwhylt s
notlmportanttobesexually normal andwhy,l nlact,
pursulng normalsexlsoltendestructlve.
Olcourse,by normal sexmostpeopledon tmeanthe
reall(! veustdescrlbed, butaromantlclzedvlslonol
perlectperlormance,perlectenvlronment,andnothlngtoo
novelorpsychologlcallychallenglng.1heonlythlng
normalaboutthatkindolsexisthelactthatsomanypeople
asplretolt,andsolewpeoplehavelt. (Andhere sasecret
everysextheraplstknows.evenwhenpeoplegetthlsklnd
olsex, they renotnecessarllysatlsledwlthlt.)
Soll,llkesomanyotherpeople, youvebeenpursulng
thewrongthlng (normal sex) ,youneedanewwayto
thlnk about sex. Althoughmost people assume lt sloglcal
tohaveaperlormanceorlentatlon(howmanytlmesper
week,howmanymlnutesbeloreorgasm) , that sonlyone
waytolookatsex. Andlt sexactlythewrongway.
Uim8lI_ FnX0I_
Mostpeoplereally,reallydon twanttobesexually
abnormal.
Sotheyhldesexualaspectsolthemselvestheythlnk
mlghtbeabnormal. 1heylocusonthlngstheythlnkare
normal,evenlltheyaren tthatlnterestlng. Soonerorlater,
thlssell-censorshlpandpretend-wholesomenessusually
causesproblemsbecauseolthesecrecy, theanxlety,the
sell-crltlclsm, andthe boredom.
!tdoesn tmatterwhatlnpartlcularyouthlnklssexually
normalandabnormal. !lyou reconcernedabout thls, llthls
concern shapesyourbehavlor,yourlantasles,orwhatyou
sharewlthapartner, lt salmostcertalnlyundermlnlngyour
sexual pleasureandcloseness.
!wanttorescueyoulromthat.lotbypersuadlngyou
thatyou resexuallynormal , butbypersuadlngyouto not
care.
Jh0 JVU Cd0S Ul `Uim8l C0X
Amerlcansgenerallythlnkolnormal sexashavlngtwo
componentsapractlcal oneandalesstanglble, moral
one.
1Dc 11OC/1CO! O1Oc O1 !O1DO! OcA
Mostpeopledelne normal sexwlthrelerencetowhatthe
bodles do, partlcularlythe genltals (penls,vaglna,vulva)
andthemouth.
Physlclans,theraplsts,anddrugcompanlesuselanguage
thatsupports thlsapproach. Eoth prolesslonals andpopular
advertlslngtalkaboutlunctlon and dyslunctlon.
Cllnlclanstalkaboutwhat snormalandwhat s
pathologlcal.\etalkabout sexwhenwemean
lntercourse.\etalkabout lntlmacy and romancewhen
wemeansex.
1hephyslcalsldeolso-callednormalsexlsthe
traectoryoldeslre, arousal, excltement, andorgasm.1hls
reLectsthemodeldevelopedbyMastersand]ohnsonlnthe
I 960s,whlchwe llexamlnemorecloselylnCha_ter4.
Peopleunconsclouslyusethlsmodelwhentheyusethe
wordIore!a|, bywhlchtheygenerallymean stullwedo
belore realsexle. , lntercourse.
MostAmerlcanscategorlzesexualactlvltlesaselther
lntercourse (real sex) orloreplay,anythlngelsels
generallyconslderedmereloollngaroundorLlrtlngor
ustplalnperverse. 1heconventlonalldealsthatallsexual
activityissupposedtoculminateinintercourse, andthatit s
usuallyclearl laklssorcaressl sloreplayornot. Settllng
lorloreplayllacouplehastheoptlonolrealsex lsn t
conslderednormal.
1here sasmallgroupolsexualactlvltlesonwhlch
there saposltlve normallty consensus. !ntercourseand
open-mouthklsslng (and, please note, on!|these) arepretty
unlversallyacceptedamongAmerlcans. Oralsexlsnow
considerednormalbyamaorityol(butnotnearlyall)
adults, lollowedbyhand-on-partner s-genltals. Vlbrator-on-
vulvalsmaklngastrongmovetowardnormalltythlsdecade
(especlallyamongtheyoungandwell-educated) ,although
vlbrator-on-penlsorvlbrator-ln-anusaren tevenclose. !n
lactanythlngwlththeanuslsgenerallydlsguallled.Role-
playlng, S/M, letlsheslewpeoplethlnkthey renormal.
Mostpeopledon teventhlnkthey re sex. Sothere sa
maorlty normallty consensusaboutthesethlngs, too
theyaren t.
So, to donormalsex,peopleneedto havecertalnbody
partsbehavingin normal wayserectionondemand,
plentyolvaglnallubrlcatlonondemand,etc.Olcourse,
cllnlclansknowthatourgenltallaarepartlcularly
susceptlbletovarlous common lnLuences. emotlons,stress,
alcohol, dlsease, latlgue, evenlongevltyolrelatlonshlp.
1hus,thesebodypartsmaynotbehaveaswewlsh,
lnterestlngly,manypeopledon twanttoacknowledgethls.
1hat swhyalotolmyworklswlthpeoplewhose
bodleslallto act normal underclrcumstancesthatthe|
thlnkare normal, myobls to convlncethemto getaway
lromthlsdestructlvemodel,sohardtoachlevelnreal llle.
Maybeyou rereadlngthlsbookbecauseyou relamlllar
wlththeleellngthatyourbodyhas lalled you.
So lnterestlnglyenough,whllemostpeoplethlnktaklng
Vlagratodealwltherectlon problemslsnormal, most
people thlnkthesame personuslngastrap-ondlldolorthe
samereasonisabnormal. Similarly,many people thinka
menopausalwomanuslnghormonestolncreasevaglnal
lubrlcatlonlsnormal, butmanypeoplewouldconslderher
abnormalllshewasuslnglantasyorpornlorthesame
purpose.
1Dc O1O! S]cC/ O1 !O1DO! OcA
Oncewe movebeyond how bodles are supposedtobehave
durlngsex, andwhlchactlvltlesguallly, lt smuchharderto
lgureoutwhat makes lor normal sex. Arelantaslesapart
olnormal sex?Howabout games? Ortoys? \hatklnds
olexperlmentatlonguallly? Andwhatabout prelerences
say,lormasturbatlonoverpartnersex, orlororalsexover
lntercourse?Mostpeoplecansaywhat1n'tnormalbut
lheyhavelroublesayingwhy,orwhalruleslheyuselo
declde.
Sometlmeseventwopartnerscan tagreeonthls.You
canlmaglnetheproblemscausedwhenonepartnertellsthe
other, \hatyouwantustodolnbed lsn tnormal . 1hat s
somuchworsethan lothankyou.
Sooneway to approachthlslssue lsto ask.what sthe
opposlteolnormal sex?
\hen!askpatlentsthlsguestlon,bothmenandwomen
typlcallyanswerwlthwordsllkeI1nI ertere,
daneroo, t1o!ent, 1mmora!, ootoIcontro!, onooa!, and
hcdon!s/ic. Occasionallygelsatan!c, whichmakesloran
lnterestlngconversatlon.
Mostpeoplehaveanlntultlvesenseolwhat ssexually
normalandwhatlsn t.Eutunlessweustmean
statlstlcallycommon, lt svlrtuallylmposslble to delne
preclselywhatwemeanbysexuallynormal. Psychologlsts
andevensextheraplstsdlsagreeamongthemselvesaboutlt.
1hatsald,lt sespeclallylnterestlngthatmost
descrlptlons olnormalandabnormalsexultlmatelylocus
ontwolssuescontrol andcorruptlon.
venwhenpeopledlsagreeaboutthelrstandards]oe
thlnksabllndloldandhandculls arenormalbutawhlp
lsn t,whlle hlsbestlrlendthlnks all thatstulllsust too
klnkylorwordswe retyplcallyrelerrlngtothesame
ldeas. boundarlesandcontamlnatlon.
lormal lsanattempttoestabllshboundarlesaround
sexsoltcan tescape,acgulretoo much power, orhurt
others. lormal lsan attempt tomake sex smallenough
thatltdoesn tthreatenusorevenregulreustogrow.
lormal isarecognitionthateroticismresidesinthe
unconsclous, anuntldyllttleunkyardllevertherewasone.
\hat,lorexample,wouldyoudollyouloundyoursell
enoylngsomethlngyoubellevedwassexuallyabnormal?
\ouldyouchangeyourmlndaboutthe sex, orabout
yourselI`Orwouldyoulaughthewholethlngollandtryto
lorgetlt?
!seeexamplesolthlslnmy practlceallthetlme. 1ake
Arthur,who dlscovereddurlngmasturbatlonthathegets
reallyexcltedlromallghtstroklngolhlsperlneum(the
surlacebetweentheanusandthebackolthescrotum) .
Oncehedecideditwas toogay, however,heneverdidit
agaln. Ortake Serena. she doesn tllketo haveherbreasts
sgueezedmuchatall, butonceshe sturnedonshelovesto
havehernlpplespulledandblttenlnlact,sheused to
cllmax thlswaybelore alover toldherltwas really,really
welrd. Andshebellevedhlm.
Arthurand Serenacametoseemetogetherlorcouples
counsellng, eachwlthseveralsuchsexualsecrets.And
althoughthey dbeenpartnerslorthreeyears, neltherhad
revealedwhattheyknewaboutthelrownarousalpatterns,
lnlact,botholthemdellberatelystayedawaylromthe
stimulationtheyleltwasabnormal. 1alking about these
thlngswasterrllylnglorthemand llberatlng. 1heyended
uplearnlngmuchmoreabouteachotherandthemselves
thantheyeverexpected.
Ourobsesslonwlth normal lsanattempttostayclean
whlledeallngwlthsomethlngpotentlallydlrty.
Partly because sexdealswlthbodyLulds, partly
because ltdealswlthexecretoryorgans (llterallyorlnthe
nelghborhood) , partlybecauseltdeals wlththe mysterles ol
pregnancyand blrth, partlybecauselt sust damnmessy,
andpartlybecausesexcanreleaseuslromthenormalrules
olphyslcalrespectabllltyandrestralnt,lt soltenseenas
somethlngto engage lnlromacertaln psychlcdlstance.
!ssmelllngalover sunderwearnormal?\hatabout
askinghimorherlowearlhesamepairlordaysalalime,
thensmelllngthem?\hataboutoralsexdurlng
menstruatlon? Orswallowlng semen? Or!ot1nto swallow
semen? \hatabouttongue-klsslnglrstthlnglnthe
mornlng, whenyouhavedragon-breath?
\hat slmportantlsnotwhetheraspeclllcactlvltylsor
lsn tnormal.\hat slmportantlstheconceptolnormal
sexltsell.Aslongassomethlngsarenormal,therewlll,by
delnltlon,bethlngsthatareabnormal. Andllyoudon t
wanttothlnkolyoursellassexuallyabnormal,that
ultlmatelyregulreseternalvlgllance. Eutnoonecanlully
enoysexunderlhaloppressiveregime.
LulIui8l UimS
Amerlcanldeasolwhat ssexuallynormalhavechanged
dramatlcallylnustthelastslxtyyears.
!n I948AmerlcawasscandallzedwhenOr.Allred
!lnsey sresearchshowedthatasubstantlalnumberol
Amerlcancoupleswerepractlclngcunnlllngus.low
marrlagecounselorsencouragelt.
Eelore I 965contraceptlonwaslllegallntheInlted
States (untll Cr1wo!dt. tonnect1cot) , anduntll I 97?ltwas
lllegallorunmarrledpeople (Sa1rdt.E1entadt) . Intll
I 967sexwlthsomeone oladlllerentracewas lllegal
(Lot1nt. l1r1n1a) . Andnon-lntercoursesex (sodomy) was
onlydecrlmlnallzedln?003 (Lawrencet. 7ea) .1hat sa
lotolchangelnaveryshorttlme.
!deasolwhat ssexuallynormalaredramatlcally
dlllerentlromcountryto country, too. !nChlna,lor
example, adultsgenerallydon tklss lnpubllc, evenholdlng
handslsconslderedrlsgue.!nmostolurope,adultsand
childrenlypicallygololhebeachlopless ornude. (1hey
don tconslderthlsasexualpractlce,butthat sthepolntln
Amerlcawe do.) Clltorldectomy (lemalegenltalcuttlng)ls
practlcedby Musllms lnlorth Alrlca,the Mlddle ast,and
SoutheastAslaonabouttwo mllllonglrlseachyear, lnthe
Inlted States lt slllegalandconslderedvlolentchlld abuse.
Premarltalsexlsexpectedandconslderednormalln
HollandandScandlnavla,wheresexualdeclslon-maklngls
lreelydlscussedwlthlnlamllles.
achnewadvancelntechnologyralsesthelssueol
sexual normalltyalloveragaln.Hereare ustalewrecent
Americanexamples.
W
l1deocaetterecorder.Eetween I 980and I 990,
overtwo-thlrdsolAmerlcan1Vhouseholdsacgulred
aVCR.1hls phenomenal rlselnconsumerlnterest
wasdrlventoalargeextentbythenewchanceto
watchpornographyprlvately. Eutwaswatchlngporn
normal?Andwhatklndolporn?Shouldahusband
hldehlsporn-watchlnglromhlswlle? Shouldhe
lnvltehertoolnhlm?Shouldsheaccept?
W
7he1nteIet.\hencheap,hlgh-speedbroadbandhlt
Amerlcaln?000,tensolmllllons olpeople
lmmedlatelybecamelnvolvedln vlrtual
relatlonshlps, eltherasthemselvesorvla
representatlons. Second Ille,chatrooms,lnstant
messaglng, phonesex, ageplay, genderplay, role
playlheopporluniliesarenowlilerallyendless.
Suddenlypeoplearecomlnglntocontactwlthsexual
subcultures, ldeas, andbehavlors thatustashort
whlleagowere completely lnvlslbletothem. And
nowmany people arewonderlng. !slt normal, klnky,
ordownrlghtslckloranadulttopretendtobeateen,
amllllonalre,aspy,theothergender?Howmany
hoursaweek (orday' )lsltokayto spend onthe
!nternetlnthese pursults? !ssexychatwlthastranger
alormolinldelity, asignolinsecurity, anew
lrontlerolerotlclsm? Perhapsallthree?Iaw
enlorcement demands thatpeoplestopage play,
clalmlngltencourageschlldmolestlng.\hllethey
havenodatatosupportthlsclalm,stateandlederal
governmentsnowspendtensolmllllons oldollarsln
precloustaxmoneystalklngandentrapplngthose
lnterestedlnageplaywlthotheradults.
teBhone/et1n.1hree-guartersolteenshavecell
phones,andmllllonsolthemare sextlngsendlng
orrecelvlngsexuallyexpllcltphotosolthemselves
andthelrpeers. Iawenlorcementhasgottenheavlly
lnvolved,attemptlngtowlpeouttheactlvltywlththe
clalm thatlt sterrlbly dangerous,demandlng
enormouspenaltleslelonyall tlmeandsex
ollenderreglstratlon.Parentsaretrappedlnbetween.
1heytendtoleelit smoreharmlulthankidsdo,but
less dangerousandlessworthyoldraconlan
punlshmentthanleglslators andlawenlorcement
do.
!neacholthesecases,theguestlon whatlssexually
normal? lsolgreatlnterestsoclally, polltlcally, and
economlcally. 1here lsstlllno consensusonany olthese
lronts, whlchshowsthatwhateverwecometobellevels
sexually normal lsculturallynegotlated,notlnevltableor
somehow natural.
1enyearsago,whowouldhavethoughtthatanyol the
lollowlngwouldbeconslderedasmalnstream (normal) as
theyare today?
rotlc spanklng, bllndloldlng,andhandcuHng
Vlbrators(nowavallableonAmazon.com)
Swlngclubs
!nternetpornography
Hotelroompay-lor-pornography
CoarselanguageonHEO andbaslccable1V
Onceyoureallzethatwhatyouthlnkyouknowabout
normal sexlsustoneldeaamongmany,awholeworld
olerotlclsmwlllopento you. Asexualworldbeyondsell-
crltlclsmandanxlety, beyond orgasm, beyond success and
lallure. Andthat swheresexualrelaxatlon,enoyment, and
lntlmacy cantrulytakeplace.
Vh_ S UCuSn_ Un Uim8lI_ 8
liUDl0m
1helact ls,anxletyaboutbelngsexuallynormalcreates
emotlonal lsolatlon. 1hat swhymanypeople areatthelr
lonellestwhenthey remaklng love.
Formostpeople,emotlonallsolatlonklllsgenulne
sexual deslreandpleasure.
Focuslngon normal sexualltymakessexanenterprlse
wlthstakesthataretoohlgh. Atanymoment,our
prelerences, lantasles, orlnhlbltlons can exposeusas
unacceptabletoourselvesorto ourpartner. Eelng
normal (lnotherwords,notabnormal)becomesmore
imporlanllhanleelingpleasureorcloseness. Fearing
udgment, wedon tdothethlngswe ddo llwe dldn tlear
belngudged (lorexample,amanasklngto havehlsnlpples
pulled) .Andwe dothlngsweotherwlsewouldn t(suchas
lntercoursewhenwe renotready)llwedldn tlmaglnethat
that swhatnormalpeopledo.
So ouryearnlngtobesexuallynormal, comblnedwlth
ouranxletythatwearen t, leadsusto keep sexualsecrets
lromourpartner. Eeingauthentic appearsto involveust
toomucholagamble.
leltherpleasurenorlntlmacycanLourlshlnsuchan
envlronment. !nthlssettlng,alosterectlonlsadlsaster.
OlHcultycllmaxlnglsacrlsls.Fartlngorwettlngthebedls
atragedy.
Andnotustloroneperson, butlorhlsorherpartner
too. Eecause manypeoplelocusnotonlyonthelrown
lunctlonbutonthelrpartner stooandtheytakethelr
partner slunctlonlngpersonally. Manypeoplescrutlnlze
thelrpartner sarousalandorgasmbecausetheydon twant
tobeudgedalailure-a poorlover. Euthowcanyou
relaxwhenyourpartnerlsexamlnlngyoursexualresponse
notlnaoylul, attentlveway, butwlthaneyelorslgns
thatheorshehaslalled?
]eddwasagrull-looklng, grull-talklngguy,anelectrlclan
whosehandslookedllkethey dbeenearnlngallvlnglor
years.
\lthlnmlnutesolslttlngdown,hetoldmethreethlngs.
hegrewuplnapoor!tallanlamllylnErooklyn,heloved
hlswlleMartlna, andhewaswearlngpantyhose.
Apparently,thoselactswere olroughlyeguallmportance.
CuesswhlchoneheandMartlnahadbeenlghtlngabout?
!thadstartedalewyearsbelorewlthpantleshers.
\hensheloundout (Moreandmoreolthemweregettlng
stretchedout,and!couldn tunderstandwhy. 1hen!lgured
itout) , hegaveherabook toreadonthesubect,andthey
hadalongtalk. Hemadeltclearhewasn tgay. ! belleved
hlmthen,and!bellevehlmnow, shesald.
Ilkemoststralghtmenwhowearwomen sunderwear,
hellkedtheleel.Andlthelpedhlmrelax.Euthecouldn t
ustenoyhlsllttlehobby. Hewantedto dlscussltwlth
Martlna. Constantly, shesald. !t wasalways, ! wantto
make sureyou understand.!want to make sureyou know
! mnot slck. !wantlttobeokaywlthyou, andnot
somethingwehavetohide. \ehadtotalkaboutitevery
day.
See,youreallydon t llkelt' ]eddwasalmost
trlumphant.
Martlnaturnedto me. ! don tcarethathewears
pantles,orstocklngs, oranydamnthlng, she slghed. He
buyshlsownstull, hekeepsltwlthhlsclothes,!don tcare.
Canwepleasechangethesubect?! dllketo goawhole
weekwlthouttalklngaboutlt.! dllketohavemyhusband
back'
Ooc,shethlnks! mwelrd.1ellher! mnot. Eelore!
couldspeak,Martinaumpedin. Olcoursethinkit s
welrd, shegrowled. Eutsowhat?You renotperlect,
]edd, andlrankly, thereareotherthlngsyoudothatbother
mealotmore.
]eddwasclear. \ecan tgetoursexlllebackuntllyou
accept thlsaboutme. Martlnalookedat me, really
lrustrated. !n Erooklyn, lntheolddays,weknewthatthe
onlywaytodealwlthapersonthlsstubbornwouldbeto
ust klll them. \eallsmlled.
]edd,howdo|ooleelaboutdresslngllkethls? !
asked. 1here snothlngwrongwlthlt, hereplleddelantly.
]edd, masextherapist, said. You renotthelrstguy
! ever metwhowears pantyhose.My guestlonls,howdo
|ooleel about lt?
1here snothlngwrongwlthlt, hesaldsol|ly. He
repeatedlt,wlthtearslnhlseyes.He dbeensaylngltto
hlswlle,tohlmsellloryears, buthedldn treallybelleve
lt.Hewasashamedolwhathellked, andashamedolwhat
hewas dolng.
!t shardtobellevethatMartlnaacceptsltwhenyou
don t,lsn tlt? !gentlyasked. Youknowshe supset
abouthowmuchyou ta!Iaboutlt,nothowmuchyoudolt,
rlght? Henodded. Andmaybell|ooacceptedltallttle
more, youwouldn thaveto talkaboutltsomuch, rlght?
Agalnanod.
ntruth,neltherolthemwaswlldabout]edd slnterest
lnwomen sunderwear.Hedldn tgulteunderstandwhyhe
wassodrawnto lt, andshedldn tunderstand why hewasso
adamantaboutthewholethlng,alternatelydemandlngand
pleadlngloracceptance.
]edd,talklngaboutthlsallthetlmelsdrlvlngMartlna
crazy, !sald. 1hatdoesn tmeanshereectsyou. Any
subectgets borlngllyoutalkaboutlttoo much,whether
lt slasagnaorlotre Oamelootballor]edd-wearlng-
pantles.
Eutllyou retalklngaboutltthlsmuch,youmustbe
concernedaboutlt,rlght?
Yes, he sald, he hadconcernsheneededtotalkabout.
Ordlnarlly, you dtalkwlthalrlend, orMartlna sbrother,
maybeevenaprlest, !ventured.
Forgetallolthem, helaughed.
Rlght.1henmaybeyoushouldseeyourownlndlvldual
theraplstaboutthls, !suggested.
!don twantashrlnktotellme! mcrazy, sald]edd.
lo,youwantsomeonetotalkto,rlght? And!
relerredhlmtosomeoneknowledgeablewlthwhomhe
couldtalk.
Onceyou reseelnghlm, sald, dllkeyoutollmlt
yourconversatlonswlthMartlnaaboutthlsatleastlora
llttlewhlle, okay?Martlnawasdellghted,butconcerned.
]edd,we llstllltalkaboutalltheotherthlngswealways
talkabout, rlght?
Andmaybe, ]edd,whenyouvecometotermswlth
yourlnterests,youcanrelaxenoughtohavesexwlth
Martlnaagaln, !saldmatter-ol-lactly.
Yes, saldthetoughguylromErooklyn. !admltthat
she sbeenhere allalonglorme.!wanttobeherman
agaln.
L0S, L8mn0d L0S, 8nd CI8ISICS
veryweek,coupleslnconLlctaskmewhat ssexually
normal. ssexoncepermonthduringthelrstyearol
marrlagenormal?!sgettlngturnedonbyspanklngor
belngspankednormal?Howlongshouldlntercourselast
beloretheguyeaculates?!swantlngoralsexdurlng
menstruatlonnormal?!sgettlngturnedollbynastytalk
normal?
Sometlmespeopleareworrledaboutthemselves.
Sometlmesthey recrltlcalolthelrpartner,andtheywantto
wheellntheheavyartllleryolYou renotnormal. 1'm
normal.
veryyeararoundValentlne sOay!getthesameklnd
olguestionslromthepopularmedia. Andalthoughknow
thecurrent statlstlcshow manytlmes per month, how
many lnches, howmanymlnutes!generallydon t
mentlonthese,whether! mtalklngtopatlentsorto|5A
7oda| (thenewspaperdellveredlree to yourhotelroomso
youhavesomethlngtoreadwhllebrushlngyourteeth) .!
saythatdellberatelyornot, peoplegenerallymaketrouble
wlththese numbers, andthey rebetterollwlthoutthem.
lobodylssatlsledwlththlsanswer.
!saylorgetthenumberoltlmespeoplehavesexper
month,orhowoltensomeonemasturbates,orhowlonglt
takestocllmax.1hoseaveragestellyounothlng.!nowlng
thatyoudon tlaughdurlngsex, aretooembarrassedto use
lubrlcant, orcan ttellyourpartner, lo,notthere,here,
tellsusmuch, muchmore.
Eecausethatdescrlbesyourexperlence. Andthat swhat
sexlsaboutexperlence,notnumbers.\hatreallymatters
lnsexlsn tthethlngsyoucanmeasure, lt showpeopleIee!,
whlchls alotharderto explore,understand,measure, or lx.
Andaswithall problems, ilyou retryingtolixthewrong
thlng, ltdoesn tmatterwhatyouaccompllsh.
1hat swhy,whenltcomestosex, conventlonalsell-
helpusuallydoesn thelp, becauseltgenerallydoesn t
challengepeople sbaslcldeasaboutwhat normal sexls.
Morelmportantly,howcouldsell-helphelpwhenltdoesn t
challengetheldeathatlt slmportanttobesexually
normal , and ter|lmportantto notbesexuallyabnormal?
!nstead, most sell-help books arerecr10te. theytell
people exactlywhatklndolsextheyhoo!dhave,andthen
tellthemhowto have lt. 1hatapproach obvlouslyhasn t
workedverywell. 1hat swhypeoplearestillbuyingsell-
helpbooks, stlllgolngtosextherapy,stlllbegglng 7he
l1ewtoleatureyetmore sexperts.
\hateverysell-helpbookandguruneedstosayl sthat
people sdeslre tobesexuallynormalkeeps themlrom
belng thelrauthentlcsexualselves, leadlngto perlormance
anxletyandsexualdlssatlslactlon. Sexual!ntelllgence
basedonsell-knowledge,sell-acceptance, andprolound
communlcatlonlsabetterapproachto resolvlngsexual
dlssatlslactlon.
!lyouwanttoknowwhat ssexuallynormal,remember
theseleatures.
lormallshavlngsexwhenyou retlred.
lormallsworrylngaboutbelngsexuallynormal.
lormalisnottalkingaboutbeingworriedabout
thesethlngs.
lormallsleellngemotlonallylsolateddurlngsex.
Surelywecanasplretobetterthanthls.
CL3_|ct 1Ltcc
VHdI S C6Xud HI6_6HC6
VH_LO6S I dII6I
1 tartedee1nAarotandIoanea|earaIterthe1rnrt
ch1!dwaboI. 7he| wererett|oetthat0e|had
toedhat1nereo!ar!|. 7he|coo!dn 'tnore ootwh|
one or bothoIthema!wa|hadan ecoe.
7hetwoth1rq-two-|ear-o!dhadmotoIwhatociet|
th1nIeo!eneedIorreate. 7he| werebothdro-dead
oreoo. Ioanemadea!otoImone|. 7he|hada1dhe!
w1th ch1!dcare. 7he|noton!|!otedeachother, the|
eemedto!t1eeachother, too. 5o wh|no eOra
Aarotot1t, |h|dowehate th1 de1re d|Ionct1on "
AsI!na!o/oIqocs/!onsdor!nascr!csoIscss!ons, !
ottoInowthemretqwe!l. Aw1thmotoIm|at1ent,
we oncoteredomerett|bonreaonIor0ebehat1or
the|a1dthe| wantedtochane.Andno, ne1theroIthem
hada d|Ionct1on. "
1n Iact, Aarotrea!l|!otedeand!oted1tw10
Ioane. |n!t1eomewomen whohate!itt!e 1nteret1ne
aIterada|a!one w1thanact1te, hea!th|1nIant, Aarot
wantedherhobandto!otaIterher. 5hea1dhe needed"
th11nordertoIee!areciated, ado!t, andewh1chhe
d1dn 'teecia!l|Iee!aIternner-a1nt1na!lda|. 5hewa
abo!ote!|read|toreondtoract1ca!l|an|eoa!
1nt1tat1onwh1chIetnotcom1n.
Ioane!otede too, and!oted1tw1thAarot. SotaIter
worI!na/wc!tc-hoorda|ando//inh!s daoh/cr/os!cc
oon aIterheothome, he coo!dbare!|Ieeh1e|eoen.
!e|eaIedto tomb!e1ntobedw10h1ew1/eandhate
hero!|0eener|Ior the1rerot1c!1/e.Sotnomatter
howmochheta!Iedaboote, orent1edothere-
!ooI1ncoo!e, heneter1n1t1ated
OIcoore, the|d1dn'thate th1rob!em1n0eoodo!d
da|. |henthe|were coort1notootoIco!lee, 0e|
woo!dhateeeter|morn1nandeter|n1ht. 7he|both
clear!|rememberedthatnoone1n1t1atedebacI0en1t
woo!d 'othaen. "Andthe|were each wa1t1nIor1tto
'os/hacn "aa!n. 7ha/ 'sno/a d|sIonc/!on"-!/ 'sos/
anonIortonate1dea.
|e d1coedthe1r w1hIoreto bea1twa when
the|were|ooner.1e!a1nedthatthe1r!ite hadchaned
andthat, Ioreto haen, "omeone woo!dhateto
1n1t1ate. e, thateronm1hthear0eword no ";the|
werebothtonnedtoeten1ma1neocha th1n, 1nce the
1dea waod1/Ierentnom theeoa!erathe|remembered
And, eten1/the|weretoreomehat1ne, the1r
encoonterrobab!| woo!dn 'tbeIoranhooror two!t1e
the|oedtobe. 7hatroectwan 'trea!l|accetab!eto
/hem e!/her.
7he|Iet1n1t1nthatthe|!otedeand wantede
botthe|d1dn 'twantthee1oetedwaata1!ab!e to
them. 5othe|con/inoedhat1nnoe, wonder1nhow
th1n coo!dchane.
Aeanwh.Je, Aarotwaread|toconce1teaa1na
oonao1b!e. AItera!l, herea!l rea!l|, really wanted
aon. Ando, w1thAar.J a!read|a!mottwo,1twat1me
Iortheecondone.
Ioane wan 'toeaer. Andthatd1dn 'the! the1re
!iIe. A1to!d 0em, |orI1non aeoa!re!at1onh1 wh1!e
dea!inw1thIert1ht|qoet1on1!t1e tr|ntorotate|oor
t1rewh1!edr1t1netent|m1!eerhooron theneewa|. "
Nctcr/hc!css, /hc|wan/cd/ocon/inoc worI!n w!/hmc,
and1areed. Forh1ownreaon, Ioaneoonareedto
tr|Ioraon, te!!inAaroton!|oneth1n. ''1'mconceIed
abootwhatw1!lhaen1/we don 'thateaon. 1don'twant
toIee b|n end!e!|, oIa|" On!|!iht!| troob!ed, he
ha.J|a1d|e. 7he|conce1teda!mot1mmed1ate!|no
d|Ionct1on "there.
7he| tooIabreaIIrom thera|onceAarotwaaIew
monthrenant. P1htonchedo!e, the|nna!l|hadthat
econdch.Jd, abeaot1/o!, hea!th|1rl.
F1temonthaIter!itt!e thar!otte waboI, Ioaneand
Aaro/wcrcbacI!nm|occ.Aan|womcn/aIcas!on
a a|earaRer1t1nb1rthbeIorerecoter1nthe1reoa!
de1re.NotAarotthree weeIaRerhat1n 0e1r
daohter, he waread|Iore. Annooncinth1toIoane,
hereomedwa1t1nIorh1mto chaeheraroond0ehooe.
OIcoore, AarotIe!tter|ao!oet1cabootherbod|
he wa/i!ltenoondmore thanherre-renanc|
we1ht, andhererona!room1n wan'tqo1tebacIoto
herooa!r1orootandard. 5ohewantede, bothe
a!o wantedadtancenot1ceohecoo!dwa, bathe,
twee.e, oeher!ot1on, andoon. 7h1madeeetenmore
com!ica/ed.
Ioane, too, he1tatedtoreomeeIorcom!ete!|
d1erentreaon. !e coIIedatAarot 'oet1on that
herbeaot1:!bod|wa!ede1rab!e than1thadbeen.Sot
hed1dadm1tthatb1rth contro! wa ter|mochonh1m1nd.
!e waha|w1thh1 twoI1d, onorno on. !ea!read|
Ie!toterwhe!med, andbe!ietedhed1d, too.SotheIeared
he 'dbedetatated1/hee!icit!|reIoedto b|Ioraon,
ohed1dn 'tta!Iaboot1ter1oo!|enoohIorAarotto
rea!l|hear1t.
5heneededtobechaed, andocoo!dn 't1n1t1ate;he
waan1ooabootbe1nohedto b|Ioraon (and
becom1naccidenta!l|renan(, ohecoo!dn't1n1t1ate.
AndomonthaItermonth, the|'dbeenI11nthereat
sc/hc|rcmcmbcrcdhat!n|carsbcIorc.
Ne1theroIthem wantedto oecondom (hethooht
them 'ocI " hethoohtthem onre!iab!e). 5hed1dn'twant
to oehormona!method!t1e the1!lbecaoeoIo1b!e
1deeIIectorwe1hta1n.
7he| ta!IedabootwhetherAarotcoo!deterbeha|
w1th 'ot " two wonder/o!, hea!th| daohter. 5he a1dhe
d1dn 'tneedaonr1htawa andma|be, ma|becoo!deten
!ite w1thootone. Sothe coo!dn'tdecide thatnow.
Aeanwh.Je, the|weren 'that1ne 5hewantedh1m to
1n1t1ate, andhed1dn 'twanttor1Ianotherrenanc|.
Andso!asIcdaboo/scx w!/hoo/an|r!sIoIconcc!t!n
ootercoore. Ora!e, ana!!a hand-on-en1ta!,
b1/in, wh1er1n, ocI1n, troI1n, !a|n. Oh,
Iore!a "Aarota1dd1m11te!|. ''1'dratherhate e "
|eoedtodoa!lthattoII"Ioanea1d Andnow
|e!l, 1!oteAarot 'b!ow ob, botthen webo0 wante
aIterward. And1'dIee!o1!t|L1otareatb!ow oband
Aarotwat1!lIrobatedabootnothat1nrea!e. "
7heon!|d|Ionct1onhere wa the1rd1tortedbe!ieI
aboot rea!e " 7he1rmotoa!re1tance to reat-e-
w1thoot-1ntercoore waIacinat1n.1twan't rea!e, "1t
wasn'//he!rIator!/eI!nd,!/wasI!ndadomb, /he|shoo!dn '/
needto"do1t, the|'dIee!1h|do1nth1econd-rate
th1n. 7heooa!e!anat1on1heareter| weeI
1t waama1teIa1!oreoI1ma1nat1onanda
demontrat1onoI0e1r!im1ted5eoa!1nte!hence. |e
Inowwhatreate!ooI!t1eweoedtohate1ta!l0e
t1me. And0atto 1n 't1t,"AarotootedAree1n,
Ioanered1ctedthat 'otootercoore " woo!d!eate them
emot1ona!l|honr|. 5o the|cont1noednothat1neata!l,
emot1ona!l|tart1nandneed1nmoreemot1ona!
connect1on.
1tr1edtod1deeerto ondertandwhata!lth1
re1tance waaboot.
F!rs/|oosa|scw!!!nctcrbc!t1c!/oscd/obc, /hcn
|ooa|wehoo!dn 'teecttohaterea!eont.J weo!te
theqoet1on oIanotherch1!d, "a1daIrotratedAarot.
7oaccetth1, 1'd, 1'd, 1'd. . . hatetochane!he
ottered
e, "1nodded|mathet1ca!l|. 1 |ooand|oor
hobandwanttohateeatth1tae1n|oor!ite,|oo '!l
hateto chane. " 7he|a1dthe|wereonboard.Sotno
matterhow1d1coed1t, the| otcoo!dn'tadotto the
1dea. Andotheebr1ht, attract1te, hoI|eo!er_ected
eaa1n.
Jh0 `8lu0 Ul nI0ll_0nC0
\eustsawhowonecouplepushedsexawaybecauseit
couldn tprovldeapartlcularklndolvalldatlon.\e ve
lookedathowpeopleattempttogetthlsrelleland
reassurancemostlybypursulngsuperbgenltallunctlon.
1hlslssupposedtoglveyoumythologlcallyhugeorgasms
andleadtoyourpartner s rapturoussatlslactlon.
Ratherthantalkabouthowtoenhancegenltallunctlon,
let sturnlnsteadtoanentlrelydlllerentwayolthlnklng
aboutsex. Iet stalkaboutwhatyouactuallyneedtocreate
andsustalnsexualpleasureandclosenessovertlme. Asa
bonus, thlsapproachwlllalsoprovlderellellromsell-
consciousnessandsell-criticism, anddramaticallyreduce
yourneedlorreassuranceaboutyoursexualnormalltyand
adeguacy.
1hlsdlllerentapproachlnvolvesdeveloplnganduslng
yourSexual !ntelllgence. Sexual!ntelllgencelsthesetol
lnternalresourcesthatallowsyoutorelax,bepresent,
communlcate, respondtostlmulatlon, andcreatephyslcal
andemotlonalconnectlonwlthapartner.\henyoucando
that, you llhaveenoyablesexual experlences, regardlessol
whatyourbodydoes. Comparedtothatkindolemotional
andphyslcalnourlshment, theblggest,hardesterectlonor
thewettest,tlghtestvaglnaaretrlvlal.
Sexual!ntelllgencelsmorethanknowledge,morethan
patlence, morethanconldence,andmorethanllklngyour
ownbody. !t sallolthese,butlt smore.
!ntelllgence, olcourse, lsalamlllaranduselul
concept.!tcanbe delned byablllty. theabllltyto learn or
to solve problems.!tcanbe delned narrowly. aslnnate
cognltlve capacltyorthelacllltylorabstractthought, andlt
canbedelned broadly. astheablll(tounderstanddlllerent
waysollearningandorganizinginlormationandtoselect
thebestonelnaglvensltuatlon.
!maglnewaklnguptomorrow,completelybysurprlse
andunprepared, lnMoscow. Youdon tspeakRusslan,and
youhaveonlyyourpassportand3,000rubles. (Iet ssay
lt ssummertlmewedon twantyoulreezlngbelore
completlngthethought-experlment.) 1olgureoutwhatto
do, youwould need morethanInow!ede youwouldneed
1nte!!ience. You dneedtheabllltytolgureoutwhat
guestlons to ask, howtolndpeoplewho canhelp you, how
tomake declslons lnadlllerentculture, andsoon.
1hat swhatSexualntelllgencelsllkenottheablllty
tobegreatlnbed, ortolunctlonthewayyoudldwhenyou
weretwen(-two.Rather, Sexual !ntelllgence lsexpressed
lntheabllltytocreateandmalntalndeslrelnasltuatlon
that slessthanperlectorcomlortable,thecapacltytoadapt
toyourchanglngbody,curlosltyandopen-mlndedness
aboutthemeanlngolpleasure,closeness,andsatlslactlon,
andtheabllltytoadustwhenthlngsdon tgoasexpected
whenyourunoutollube, oroneolyouhastogotothe
bathroomdurlngsex, oryouloseyourerectlon, oroneol
youcallstheotherbythewrongname. Oralloltheseatthe
sametlme. (1here sa\lllFarrellmovlelnthere
somewhere.)
1hat swhyeveryoneneedsSexual!ntelllgence.And
that swhywlthlt,youcanrelaxandenoysexlnwaysyou
mayhavethoughtlmposslbleloryou.
1omanagethelranxlety,thelrsexuallty, andthelr
partner ssexuallty,mostpeoplerelyontheusualwaysol
looklngatsexuallty. normal sex,genltallunctlonand
dyslunctlon, sell-monltorlng,trylngto remember what
womenwant,andsoon. Mostolmy patlents (andyou,
perhaps?) haveproventhatthlsllmltedapproachdoesn t
leadtopleasureandcloseness.\hatdotheyneedlnstead?
lottechnlgueoragreatbody, butSexual!ntelllgence.
SowhatexactlylsthlsSexual!ntelllgence?
Jh0 Jhi00 LUmUn0nIS Ul C0Xu8l
nI0ll_0nC0
1hethreecomponentsolSexual!ntelllgenceare.
I . !nlormatlonandknowledge
?. motlonalskllls (whlchletyouusethatknowledge)
3. Eodyawarenessandcomlort (whlchletyouexpress
yoursellandyourknowledge)
1heInow!edethatmost people seemtowantaboutsex
ls howcanbegreatlnbed? Forthosewltha
conventlonal dyslunctlon, theguestlonusuallytakesthe
lorm. Howcan!lunctlonrlght?Howcan!getrldolmy
dyslunctlon? (1hlsalwayssoundsto mellke. Howcan!
getmypenlsorvulvatosltupanddo trlcks?)
!naddltlon,manypeopleaskme. Howcan!getmy
partnerto bemoreskllllulorenthuslastlclnbed? \hat
domen/womenreallywantduringsex? and \hat
posltlonsglvethemostsatlslactlon?
Although!sympathlzewlthpeople swlshtobe (orleel)
moresexuallycompetent,!thlnkthat sthewronggoal.
Answerlngguestlonsllketheselsnotanellectlvepathto
creatlng moreenoyablesex.
lo,thelnlormatlonyouactuallyneedwouldstartwltha
unlguelypersonalowner smanualtoyourbodyandyour
partner sbody, lncludlngyourprelerences (andyour
partner s) abouttouchlngandklsslng. !deally, thlsmanual
wouldlnclude theklndsolbodlly changesyou couldexpect
overtimechangesintheconsistencyolvaginal
lubrlcatlon,theellectolhormonalchangesonyoursexual
response,andsoon. Aremlnderthatbackpalnorastlll
shouldergreatlylnLuencessexwouldalsohelp.
Ananthropologlst sleldreportonthelncredlble
dlversltyolhumansexualltywouldbevaluabletoo. !t
would help putyour (andyourpartner s)experlences,
lantasles,prelerences, andcurlosltylncontext,reduclng
youranxletyaboutnormallty.
Alotolwhatyouneedlormoreenoyablesexlsn t
specllcallysexual.Emot1ona!I1harenecessarylor
satlslactlonlnmanyaspectsolllle, lncludlngsex.1herels,
toputltslmply,nosubstltutelorgrowlngupnotevena
perlectbodyorthebestsexualtechnlgue.!t sllketrylngto
runacarbystuHnghundred-dollarbllls lnto thegastank.
1hemoneyltsellwon tmakethecarrun,lt sonlyolvalue
llyoucanlrstconvertltto gasollne. motlonalsklllsare
thegasollneolenoyablesex.
!lpeoplewantedonlyphyslcalpleasurelromsex,we
couldmaketheargumentthatonlyphyslcalsklllsand
knowledgearerelevant. (!wouldn tmakethatargument,
butsoonerorlatersomeoneondaytlme1Vwould.) As
we ve seen, however,mostwomenandmenwantmorethan
physlcalpleasurelromsex.Soltmakesperlectsensethat
weneedemotlonalsklllstocreatethoseothersatlslactlons.
Al|erall,howmanytimeswouldyouwanttomakelove
wlth someoneno matterhowgood-looklngortalented
whowasrude,sell-lnvolved, scaredolcloseness, anda
terrlblellstener? (loex-husbandokeshere, please.)
Flnally,wecometo 0ebod|theactuallocatlonolall
thathuHngandpuHngwecallsex. 1hepopularldeaolthe
body srolelnsexlsthatltshouldbebeautllul,thebetterto
trlggerdeslrelnbothapartnerandourselves (aslllooklng
lnthemlrrorlswhatturnsuson) . 1hlsldeaexplalnswhyso
manypeopledon tleelsexy,andwhytheyassumethey
aren tsexytoothers.Andltmakespeopleleelless ellglble
lorsexastheygetolder.
Furthermore,lt sthebodythatsupposedlydoesthe
exotlc, athletlcthlngsthatproduce pleasurelnourselvesand
ourpartner.
Olcourse, thlsmeansthatthe bodyhasto lunctlon
correctly. Eackln I 966, researchers\llllamMastersand
Vlrglnla]ohnson delnedthe Sexual Response Cyclethe
standardwayhumanbodlesrespondtosexualstlmulatlon.
veryonelmmedlatelycomparedthemselvestothlsmodel,
lorthosewhomlssedlt, tomoo!itanandP!a|bo|lssued
plentyollmpractlcal, lmprobablelnstructlonslnthe I 970s
andI 980s.Al|erthat,OprahandOr.Phllspenttwo uptlght
decades telllngeveryoneexactlywhatwassexuallyrlght
andnormal (le. , whatwassexuallywrongandabnormal) .
low, olcourse,everyonehaspornographytoprovlde
unreallstlclmagesolbodlesdurlngsex.
1hisbook sideaisdiIIerent.Let sviewthebodyasa
vehlclelorattunementwlthapartner, andlet senhance
yourbody stolerancelorpleasureandlntenslty.Iet smake
sureyourbodylsrespondlngtowhat spresentdurlngsex,
ratherthanhavlngseml-traumatlzedreactlonsto old
aggravatlngorpalnlulexperlences. 1heseperspectlvesare
allmorelmportantthan lunctlonlng orbeautyor
athletlclsmortechnlgue.Eesldes,youcan ttalkyourbody
lnto lunctlonlngacertalnwayustbytrylnghard.
1ogelher, lhelhreeaspeclsolSexualnlelligenceare
whatletourerotlclsm Low. 1hey oortlunctlonlng
wlthoutputtlnglunctlonlnglnthecenteroloursexual
thlnklngorexperlence. \henpeople saytheywantsexto
bemore lntlmate, they reactually relerrlngtoaspectsol
Sexual!ntelllgence, suchassell-acceptance, trust,good
boundarles,andsell-knowledge (allolwhlchwe llexamlne
lnPart1wo) .
\hat snotlncludedlnSexual!ntelllgencearethlngs
suchasphyslcal stamlna, lotsolsexualexperlence,youth,
andthe1lmeless1echnlguesoltheMystlcOrlent. Yes,
evenlhoughlhemediaandlheirsexperlsclaimlhal
physlcalgualltlesandspeclaltechnlguesarewhatcreate
greatsex, theyare notthewayto create thesexual
experlencesthat|oo want.
1ake, lorexample,]oslp andRenata.
\hatdoyougetwhenyouputtwo lawyerslnthesame
marrlage?
1heserlousanswerls, !talldepends , ln]oslp and
Renata scase,ltwastrouble.1heyustcouldn tgetaway
lrom thelr adversarlalapproachto each other.
!twouldbeeasyto blamethelrprolesslonal
backgroundslorthls, butthatwouldn tbeaccurate. 1hese
weretwopeoplewhohaddlHcultytrustlnganyone.Eelng
lawyersustenabledthemtomakeallvlngoutolthelr
personalltydelclts.
Athome, meanwhlle,theyguarreledalot. low-level
bickeringthatperiodicallyburstintoyelling,blaming, and
name-calllng.1hey dregretdolngltlnlrontolthelrklds,
trytounderstandhowthlngsgotoutolhand, lall,promlse
totryharder,andgetreadylorthenextround.
\hydldtheycometoseeme?1heywantedtohavesex
moreolten,andtheywantedto enoyltmore.
Atthlspolntyoumlghtbeshaklngyourheadhowdo
peopleexpecttoenoysexundertheseclrcumstances?And
yetthisisprettycommonpeoplelivinginaless-than-
perlectrelatlonshlpwantlngtohavegoodsex.
Inlortunately, thereareno tlme-outslnllle, sopeoplecan t
escapethelrmarrlages (orthelremotlonalproblems) whlle
trylngtolmprovethelrsexllves.
Slnce]oslpandRenatawerenothesltanttolghtln
lrontolme,!becamelamlllarwlththelrdynamlcpretty
gulckly. 1hey dtalkaboutsomedlsappolntmentor
lrustratlonathomehlmbelnglatelordlnner, her
obsesslngabouttheklds saletyandalthoughthey dtryto
dlscussthlngscalmly, they gulckly escalated. \lthln a
minuteortwo, they dbelghtingabouthow youalwaysdo
thls and you never do that.
\ereallyneededto do Marrlage Counsellng I 0I , whlch
Renatahated. ! mnotadummy,and!won tbelecturedto.
!knowhowto bemarrled, shedeclared.]oslptrledtocalm
her. !thlnkltwouldbegreatllweunderstoodourselves
better, heollered. speclallyyou.
Yougohelpthesepeoplewlththelrsex llves.
!explalnedthatbelorewetalkedaboutorgasms,
caresslng, orposltlons, weneededtolmprovethelrabllltyto
tolerate closenesswltheach other.1heyagreed thatwould
be nice, althoughtheyreallywantedto locusmoreon
sex. !lwehadmoresex,maybewewouldn tlghtas
much, ]oslp suggested. Yes, sald Renata. Alter]oslp
cllmaxes, he snlcetomelorhours,sometlmesevenlorthe
nextdayortwo.
Reallzlngtheywerenotgolngtobedeterredlromthelr
ldeasaboutsexandlntlmacy, !replledthat!supportedthem
lnhavlngenoyablesex. And! mcertalnltwlllhelp, !
contlnued, llyoueachlearntheselveskllls .
Comlortlngyoursellwhenlrustrated
Clvlngyourmatethe benelt olthedoubt
\henhurt, redelnlngtheotherpersonasunlnlormed
ratherthanuncaring
!maglnlnghowyousoundtoyourmatebeloreyou
saysomethlng
Strlvlngtounderstandyourmatebelorestrlvlngto be
understood
!agreethat ]oslpneedstogrowup, Renatasald
sharply. Eutthlsallsoundsllkepsychoanalysls.And
besldes, !don tneedtolearnthesethlngs. !needlormy
husbandtospendmoretlmewlth me, andtonotbesucha
erk.
]oslptrledtorespondcooperatlvely, butwlthlnmlnutes
theywerebothbelngloudlysarcastlc,eachblamlngthe
other lornottrylngharder to be sexy. verymeanthlng
theysaldust provedmy polnt. 1hen !gotanldea.
Okay,youwantaspecilicallysexualexercise.1his
weekathome,! dllkeyouto dothehandmassageas
descrlbedlnthlshandout_! mglvlngyou.\lllyouagree?
Ohlnally,somethlngaboutsex, Renatasald, taklngthe
lorm!ollered. Scannlngltgulckly, shewrlnkledhernose.
!t sustabouthands, shecomplalned. \ell,lt sabout
bodles andpleasure, !replled, lamlllarwlththatresponse
al|erasslgnlngthlshomeworktoahundredcouplesoverthe
years.
1heysaldthey ddo lt.
1henextweek,theyreportedtheyhadn t. She lought
withmemost oltheweek, ]osipsaid. ncludingtheone
tlmewe satdowntodothestupldhomework, Renata
added. !dldn tsayaword, andtheroomlellsllentloralew
moments. Okay,maybeweshouldtalk more abouthow to
get along better, sheslghed.
\e restlllworklngonlt.
1hlscouplekeepswantlngtoknowwhenwe regolngto
talkaboutsex. !keeplocuslngonenhanclngthelrabllltyto
trust,bepatlent,exerclsesell-dlsclpllne, andseeeachother
aslriendsinshorl, makinglheirrelalionshiponeinwhich
asexual connectlonwouldmakesense. 1hat sakeyaspect
olSexual!ntelllgenceenhanclngtherelatlonshlpto
enhancethesex. Some people thlnkltworkslnthe opposlte
dlrectlon.!talmostneverdoes.
C0Xu8l nI0ll_0nC0 8S 8 8ii8IV0
verybodytellsstorlesaboutthemselves.!don t ustmean
\heredldyoubuythatcar? or \hat syourlavorlte
show?\e rea!wa|telllngotherpeopleaboutwhowe
are, always relylng on some narratlvetoexplalnourselves
blg-plcture storles, descrlptlonsolwhat slmportant,who
we are, andhowwegotto bethatperson.
\henilcomeslosex,eacholusalsohasanarralive.
1hesenarratlvesanswerlundamentalguestlonsaboutour
ldentlty. \henltcomes to sex, who areyou?\hy?How
dldyougetthatway?Herearesomecommon narratlves
aboutsexuallty. !am. . .
L caredoIe
L a romant1c
L ondereed
L a!wa|read|Iormore
L nooodate
L t1het/inoterm|!ateer1ence
L n1htenedoImen/women
L notoodattrot
L 1ntereted1n!otemaI1n, not se"
L a t1c/imoIdateraeorch1!dhoodeoa!
e!o1tat1on
L 1mo!1te, ar1I-taIer
L a!wa|hoI|
L otereed
L on!ocI| w1thmen/women
ood1nbed
L onab!etocommon1catem|need
L noteoa!l|de1rab!e
L done w1the
L conIoedabootthe who!eeth1n
L aocIerIoraood!ine
L aeadd1ct
Asanorganizingprinciplelor lhinking aboulsex,
Sexual!ntelllgencelsaklndolnarratlve. olpersonal
adeguacy,olpresence, olconnectlon, olsuHclency, ol
agencyandownershlpolyourownbody,olrelaxatlon
(whetheryou reexcltedornot) ,andolacceptance (ol
thlngsastheyareratherthanasyoulmaglneorlearthem) .
Sexual!ntelllgencelsalsoanarratlveolnotcarlng
aboutwhatlsn tlmportant. Olcourse,lrstyouhaveto
decidewhatthatis.1henyouneedthe sell-disciplineto
lgnore lt, evenwhen others valueltandltseems tobeckon
you.
Herearesomethlngsmypatlentspayattentlonto durlng
sex (orbetween sexual encounters) thatlnterlerewlththelr
sexual enoyment.
1hedeslreandabllltytodo eter|sexualthlng
\ho shurtthembelore
Feellngcompetltlvewlthallmen/womenorwlth
theirpartner spreviouspartner(s)
Conventlonal dlstractlons (undonechores, the
soundolthe1Vlnanotherpartolthehouse)
!workwlthmypatlentsto decldethatthesethlngs
aren tlmportant,andhelpthemdevelopthesell-dlsclpllne
tolgnorethem.Manypeopledon treallzetheroleolsell-
dlsclpllne lncreatlngenoyablesexandlnenoylnglt.
Perhapsyouplcturegoodsexaswlldandcarelree(whlchol
courseltcanbe) , andassumethatlt stherelorecompletely
spontaneousandlreeolboundarles.Eutthat sllke
lmaglnlngthatanenoyablemealoranlcedaylnthepark
usthappenswlthoutanypreparatlonormentallocus.!l
youveevergonetoapopularblstroandspentyourmeal
lrettlngaboutthelocatlonolyourtable, orgoneonaplcnlc
andobsessedaboutrunnlngoutolsunscreen, youknowthat
dellberatelylocuslngyourattentlononwhat slmportantlsa
keypartolenoylngactlvltles.
1hesamelstruelorsextoenoyltyouhaveto be
mentallyprepared, aswellasknowwhatnottopay
attentlon to.
So the Sexual!ntelllgence narratlvelsaboutyouractual
experlence, ratherthanacomparlsonolyourperlormance,
deslrelevel, orlantasleswlthvarlousstandards (manly,
youthlul, sexy, andsoon) . !nsteadolthlnklngabout
whetheryourperlormancelsadeguateoryourlantaslesare
normal, thls perspectlve helpsyouevaluateyoursexuallty
accordlngtoyourenoyment,yourconnectlonwlthyour
partner,andyourvalues.
1heSexual!ntelllgenceapproachlnvolveschanglng
yourrelatlonshlpwlthyoursexuall(,notslmplygettlng
yourbodytodobettertrlcks.!t slarlessaboutwhatyou
do, andmoreaboutwhoyou aIcwhatyouthlnk,leel,
belleve,andwant. 1hat swhyyouwon tlndany
lnstructlonslnthlsbookabout llngerleortoysorposltlons.
Enhancin|oor5eoa!1nte!hence10emotre!iab!e
andIar-reach1n wa|toenhance|ooreoa!eer1ence.
1heconceptolSexual!ntelllgencehelpsexplalnwhy
somepeopleare sexuallylrustratedeven thoughthey don t
havea dyslunctlon andthelrbodyworkslne.!t s
becausegood lunctlon doesn tguaranteethecloseness,
physlcalattunement, andrelaxatlonthatmakessex
enoyable.
EecausetheSexual!ntelllgenceapproachencourages
andlacllltatessell-acceptance, ltreducessecret-keeplngand
lsolatlon,lmprovlngtherestolyourrelatlonshlp.
1heSexual!ntelllgenceapproachdoesn tregulreyour
partnerto change, lnlact, lnhelplngyouacceptyoursell, lt
helpsyouacceptyourpartner,ratherthanwaltlngaround
lorhlmorherto change. Andthls approachwlllhelpyou
dealwlthluturechangeslnyourbody, yourrelatlonshlp,
andyourhealth.
1dI/ 1wO
LOH_OH6H!S O
`6XH3 H!61_6HC6
CL3_|ct1Out
OuI LIdH
1HIO!H3|lOH 3Hd THOw|d_|
1!t1ed(aon a oona 1meth1m.!e wa br1!anta
!artardonderradoate, now1nh1!at|earat5tanIord
So1ne5choo!.!ehada|oo0Io!mooIonIemtbrown
ha1rthatwoo!dn'tbehate, andor!ehoe!ace
reneh1namontheotherbottoned-downASA todent.
Attwenq-nte, 1'mam1erab!eIa1!ore w1th women, "
hedeclared 1n whatwa| A|erec/ionaretota!l|
onre!iab!e, and1omet1me_aco!atetooqo1cI!|. "!ow
qo1cI!| SeIore the1r!come. ooInowhow
embarra1n0at1 "
|hen1aIed(aon whatmade0ee 01narob!em,
hethoohtma|be1d1dn 'tondertandh11toat1on, ohe
to!dmeaa1n. e, 1ondertand, "1a1d Sotwh|11ta
rob!emH |oodon'teterect when|oowantto,andH |oo
comebeIore|oowantto"
1don '/Inowhow!/was!n|oorda "hcs/ar/cd, ha!/
oI1n, ha!/anno|ed, bottoda|1r! eectcerta1n01n
when the|o tobedw1thao|. Andaood, o!id:cI1
oneoIthem. Andthathoo!d1nclodeanoram. "
7hatoondrett|1nt1m1dat1n, "1a1dent!|. 1
thathow|oo Iee!"
eandno, "here!ied 1don 'tIee!oconndent, bot
1teem!t1eareaonab!eeectat1onIora womantohate,
docsn'/!/"
1tdeendon thedeta1!, "1a1d 1hereIer
certa1n th1n, that 'nne.1he doen 'tInowhowtoeno|
here!/w1thootthee th1n, then he 'ett1n|oobotho
IorIa1!ore. "
7h1 wan 'tqo1te whatheeected Aa|be|oocan 't
he! me,"hecha!lened Aa|be|oodon 'tondertand
|ooneo!e, or women " 7h1 wam|b1chancetoa|
ometh1nto1d 1d1dn 'ttaIe1
(aon, 1'morethereareth1n1don'tondertand
And1wanttoettoInow|oobetter, o1can ondertand
cxac/l|wha//h!nsmcan /o|oo. 7ha/sa!d, "!con/!nocd,
thereareaIewth1naboot|oor1toat1on 0at1th1nI1do
ondertand Andma|be, 1nIact, 1canhe!|oo ondertand
them better. "
OIa|, oahead, "a1d(aon
F1rt, 101nI|oo 're oter enera!i.1nabootwhat
women wan/. 1be!iete|oo'reaccorate!|decr1b1netera!
women|oo 'temet, andondoobted!|man|more, bot
the|'renotetenamaor1tmoch!ea!lwomen 5econd,
motwomen'oram o!/imate!|reo!tnom cl1tora!, not
ta1na!t1mo!at1on 5o1ntercoore, aeno|ab!ea1tcan
be, !senera!l|no/ /heac/!t!/|/ha/maIes/hem cl!ma
7h1rd, an1et|abootet/inerect1onmaIe 1thardertoet
orIeean erect1on Andmotra1d_aco!a/ion comenom
an1et notnom toomoch!eaoreort1mo!at1on "
SeIorehecoo!dreond, 1added, 7heearenotm|
o1n1on. 7heeareIact.
Now1doondertandthat1ntercoorehabo!ic
mean1nIorman|menandwomen, "1cont1noed And1
areciatethat|ooIee!badabootnotbe1nab!etohate,
orde!iter, 0at|mbo!icmean1n1n the wa||oowantto
1nthewa||ooIee!1necear|. Sot!et 'earaterac/ica!
ta!oeIrombo!icmean1n, and!et 'accetIactaIact.
oo be!iete|oohate tode!iteraIat-haen1n, !on-
!at1nerect1on, and|oobe!iete|oohate tomaIea woman
orasm w!/h!n/crcoorsc. And|oobc!ictc|oo 'rc no/ tcr|
oodata!lthat,r1ht "
!e nodded.
Patherthan b|ton|ooren1, "1a1d, 1rooe
we1te1taretandchane twoo0erth1nthe wa||oo
aroache, andthe wa||ooe!ect|ooreartner. "
7he|oonman!ooIedIet1ca!, bothewa!iten1n
1ntent!|. Let'redocethereore|ooIee!beIore, dor1n,
andaItere. 7hatw1Jnoton!|ma1m1.e|oorab1ht|toet
andIeean erect1on, 1tw1JmaIe1tea1erto eno|thee
|oodohate, whateterhaen. "
Andwha/aboo/m| ar/ncr'sd!sao!n/mcn/"hc
aIed
SacItom|rttwoo1nt,(aon, "1rem1ndedh1m.
F1rt, !ooIIorwomen who!t1e|ooIor who|ooare, etto
Inowthem, andta!IabootebeIore|ootartdo1n1t
toether. 5econd, Iee1nm1ndthatwh.Jeman|oI0emma|
want1ntercoore, IormotoIthem1t 'notahate-to. 1 |oo
wanttoInowaar/ico!ar woman'hate-to, aI. 1can te!l
|oonomroIe1ona!anderona!eer1ence, "1a1d,
thatthemotcommonhate-toa womanhaaboote1
thathe want theo|to beemot1ona!l|reent. AndH
we 're /a!I!naboo/herh|s!ca!sa/!sIac/!on, Iormos/
women1ntercoore1n1ce, botahand, mooth, ort1brator
onhercl1tor11more!t1e!|to be thehate-to."
Ahethoohtoterth1maorchane1nhowhe
aroachede, 1a1donemoreth1n. (aon, taIe
adtantae oIwhat1Inow."
!e d1d. AndaReron!|aIewmoree1on, hewa
eno|1nea!otmore, andhe a1darateIo!ood-b|e.
Accuratelnlormatlonlsabsolutelyessentlallorgood
declslon-maklng.However,Amerlca sblzarrecultural
amblvalence aboutsexualltymlxes lnlormatlon together
wlthgosslp, oplnlon,superstltlon,andoutrlght lles, solt s
hardtoknowwhatto believe. naddition,manypeople
havesomuchanxletyaboutsexualltythattheyhavetrouble
uslngaccuratelnlormatlonto makedeclslons. xamples
lncludecontraceptlonandsterlllzatlon,oralandanalsex,
lantasy,andmasturbatlon.
Iet slookatsomelnlormatlonthatcanhelpyoucreate
sexual experlences thatprovldepleasure, brlngyou closer to
yourpartner, andltwlthyourvalues.
Fn8IUm_ 8nd lh_SUlU__
\hen!waslrstbelngtralnedasasexeducator (sometlme
betweenthelnventlonolthewheelandthelnventlonolthe
!nternet) ,!learnedaboutthesexualpartsolthebodythe
erogenouszones. Youknow, thegenitalia,mouth,
nlpples, anus, andears. Somellberalswouldalsoaddthe
thlghs,butt,andneck.
Euteventually!cametoreallzethlsldealsowrong.
1hewholeldeaoldlvldlngthebodylntosexualandnon-
sexual zonesdlscourageserotlcexperlmentatlon,
overemphaslzesorgasm,andencourageslormallty
Anxle(. Andltdoesn treLectthls common experlence.
Althoughsomebodypartsareterrllcallysensltlve
undersomecondltlonswlthsomepeople,thesameparts
wlthsomeone else,lnaphyslcallyuncomlortablelocatlon,
whenyouhaven tshowered,oryou reangryor
embarrassed,won tbeevensllghtlysensltlveandsoat
suchmoments,they renotsexualbodypartsalterall.
Ontheotherhand, perhapsyouvehadtheexperlenceol
belngsoexcltedthatyourentlrebodywasoneblgsexual
organ. Ourlngthoseblessedmoments,youhavenonon-
sexualbodyparts.
1herelsn tan|partolyourbodythatcan tbeerotlcally
charged. Asyoureadthls, somebodysomewherelsmaklng
lovewithhisorherelbow, knee, loot,hair, brca/h.
Allttlewlserthan !was backln I 978, now !say there
are no erogenous zonesbecausetherearenonon-
erogenous zones. Callthls approach CuerlllaAnatomy.
1herearenosexualpartsolthebody. 1here sthebody.
1here serotlcenergy. 1helrstexperlencesandexpresses
the second. Iather, rlnse, repeat.
!lthere sanyexceptlontothls,lt stheclltorlsthe
onlyorganlnthehumanbodywlthabsolutelyno purpose
otherthanpleasure. Youdoknowthatmostwomenonly
cllmaxwhenthlsllttlepearllsstlmulated (byahand,a
tongue, avibrator,apillow, runningwater, aturkey
sandwlch) ,rlght?Apenlsgolng lnandoutolthevaglna
generallymlssestheclltorls, slnceltdoesn tmatterbyhow
much, ltmlghtaswellbebya mlle. Andllyou rekeeplng
scoreathome.
c11tor1 orroond1n!i (!ab1a) ta1na!oen1n"
to!ta
Formostwomenwho wanttocllmax, the vulva, not the
vaglna,lsthelrbest bet.
Sowhy dopeoplemakesuchalussabouttheholiestol
erogenouszones, thegenltalla?1wo reasons.
I . 1he genltallaaretheegulpmentweusetocreatea
baby. !t stheMlracleolIlleanglewhlchmost
peopletrytoavoldvlrtuallyeverytlme theyhave
sexthelrentlrellves.
?. 1he genltallahavethlscoolhydraullc capaclty.
whenthebralnexperlencesstlmulatlonthatltcodes
assexual(aplcture,asmell,amemory, atouch,an
emotlon,whatever) ,ltsendsamessagedownthe
splnalcolumntothepelvls,wherethenerves
lnstructthe bloodvesselsto openupandletlna
smalltidalwave.\hentissueinthepenisorvulva
thengetsengorged, theorgangets blgger andway
moresensltlve.
Jh0 C0Xu8l 0SUnS0 L_Cl0
Here stheorlglnolthementalmodelmostAmerlcanshave
olsex. Inderstandlngthlswlllhelp you reallze both the
llmlts olhowyouconceptuallzeyourbody ssexual
lunctlonandthevalueolSexual!ntelllgenceanentlrely
dlllerentwaytothlnkaboutlt.
!nthe I 960s,\llllamMastersandVlrglnla]ohnson
studledhowpeople sbodleslunctlondurlngsexwhlch
hadneverbeendonesystematlcallybelore. (!nsertlavorlte
oke hereaboutyourcousin Vinnie, whostudiedthislor
yearslnvarlous carsallover Erooklyn.)
HundredsolvolunteercoupleshadsexlnaSt.Iouls
laboratory,whlletralnedstallmeasuredthelrskln
temperature,pulse,puplldllatlon,andso on.Mastersand
]ohnsontabulatedthlslnlormatlon,whlchlsnowpartolthe
standardtralnlnglorsextheraplsts.1heyconceptuallzed
thelrsubects experlencelnamodeltheycalledtheSexual
Response Cycle (below) ._
1hepolntolthemodellstosummarlzeanddescrlbe
how normal bodlesrespondto normal stlmulatlon. Ata
timewhen1Vcouldn tshowmarriedpeopleinbed
togetherreadlngortalklng, and]ohnny Carsonwasn t
allowedtosaythewordrenantonthealr, Mastersand
]ohnson sresearch, andltsresults,wererevolutlonary.
OS/c1S OHO _ODHSOH S OcAuO! 1cS]OHSc Lc1c
R A 5 M
L A L A U
l M
!ntheearly I 960s,sclenceandthemachlnewerethe
domlnantmetaphorsthatAmerlcansusedlnart,advertlslng,
educatlon,sports,andhealth. SothatwashowMastersand
]ohnson lookedat human bodlesas machlnes expectedto
lunctlonlnpredlctableways.Eodlesthatdldn tactlnthls
predlctablewayhadapathologythatneededto be
addressed. !nthathlstorlc moment, bothsexual normallty
andsextherapywere created.1heyvebeenrelatedever
since.
!t sgoodtoknowhowmostbodlestyplcallybehave.
!t sbadtothlnkthat showyourbodymustbehaveat all
tlmesandthat, llltdoesn t,there ssomethlngwrongwlth
you. Andlt sdestructlvetothlnkthatyourbodyhasto
behave a certaln waylnorder loryoutoenoysex.
!maglnlngandcreatlngtheSexualResponseCyclewas
anenormousaccompllshment, andMastersand]ohnson
wlthstoodcareerlsolatlon,governmentsurvelllance,and
U
C
|
C
C
Z
deaththreatsasthelrreward.1hatsald,themodeldoes
contalnsomellmlts.
!tdoesn taddressdeslre, orhowdeslrecanallectthe
body sreactlons.
!tlmpllesthatthesamephyslcalstlmulatlonwlll
alwaysleadtothesameoutcomes.
!tdoesn taddresstherealltythatthesamephyslcal
stlmulatlonoractlvltycanleeldlllerentatdlllerent
tlmes.
!ttakesculturelorgrantedratherthanexpllcltly
notlngthatthe experlences ollabsubectsandthe
restolusaremedlatedbyculture.
Spiritualityandothersubectiveexperiencesarenot
addressed.
!tassumesthatorgasmlsthenormalconcluslonol
sexualevents.
Slncethemodel sdevelopment,varlousprolesslonals
have proposedrevlslonsorothermodelsolsexual
lunctlonlng. achaddressessomeolthese crltlclsms. Stlll,
theMastersand]ohnsonmodellssomuchapartolour
culturethatpeoplelorgetthatlt sustamodel. !tlsn tan
accuratedescrlptlonoleveryone sexperlence.Forexample,
asmengetolder,manydon tcllmaxwlthapartnerand
theystlllenoysex. Slmllarly,somewomencllmaxthrough
psychologlcalstlmulatlonalone.1heMastersand]ohnson
modeldoesn tlteltherolthesecases.
Flnally,lt slmportanttorememberthatsexlsrarelya
contlnuouslncreaseoldeslre, arousal,excltement, orgasm.
Formost people, arousalebbsandLowsdurlngsex
whetherbecauseolexternaldlstractlon,lnternaldlalogues,
theneedtopee, thelrdeslretotalk,laugh, orrest, orthe
slmplenaturalrhythmsolthelrbodles.Vlewlngthlsnatural
ebb andLowasaproblemordyslunctlonlsunreallstlc and
oltenasourceolproblems.
F VUid FDUuI Li_8Sm
!t sdessert,notthemalncourse.
Okay, that ssixwords. Eutmakingorgasmthepointol
sexlsaproblemlortworeasons.
!tmakeslthardertohaveanorgasm.
!tdevaluesallsexualactlvltlesthatdon tleadto
orgasm.
Orgasmgenerallylastsabout,whattwo, lve, ten
seconds?Andsex, lromthetlmeyoustarttaklngollyour
clothesuntllthetlmeyousay, 1hatwasnlce and reach
loryourElackEerry,takes about, whatten,twen(,thlr(
mlnutes?1hatmeansthatorgasmls I percentorlessol
yourtotalsextlme. Maklngthat I percentthepolntolthe
entlre exerclseseemsratherloollsh.Andreally notworth
allthebother.
Somepeoplelndsexallttleborlng,andhopethata
labulousorgasmwillsomehowredeemtheexperience.
1hat sllkeeatlnglnarestaurantwlthuncomlortablechalrs,
badservlce,andmedlocreloodandhoplngthatdessert
wlllbesogreat,ltwlllmake thewholelrustratlng
experlenceworthwhlle.
\ell,theyhaven tlnventedadessertthatgood,and
theyhaven tlnventedanorgasmthatgood elther. !lsex
makesyouleellonely, glvesyouaheadache, conlusesyou
aboutyourpartner sleellngs, lsphyslcallypalnlul, orls
lllledwlthavoldanceandexcuses, noorgasmlntheworld
canmakeltallworthwhlle.
Inderthesecondltlons,youmlghtstophavlngorgasms
too.
Abettermodel?Oothingsyouenoyduringsex. Cet
exclted,pleaseyoursellandyourpartner. !ncludeorgasmll
youwantto. Euthavesexthat ssoenoyablethatevenll
youdon tcllmax,you llleelltwastlmewellspent.
!UV IU !8V0 8 L8D_Vh0Ih0i Uu
V8nI IU Ui UI
t shardtorelax, becomeintimate,andenoysexwhen
we reconcernedaboutcreatlngapregnancy
unlntentlonally.Anddesplteunlorhlgh schoolhealthclass,
manyolusarestlllunsureabouthowbablesaremadeor
prevented.
Awomanneedsthreethlngstobecomepregnant. an
egg,asperm,andaplacelorthemto hangoutlornlne
monthsoncethey rehand-ln-hand.Allthreehaveallmlted
shellllle.
achmonthwhlle awomanlslertlle (roughlyages
thlrteentollty) ,oneolherovarlesreleasesanegg
(ovulation) . 1hat swhenthewindowlorthepossibilityol
becomlngpregnantopenswlde.!lthateggchancesupona
lreshsperm, thepalrcouldconcelvably (' )lmplant
somewhere (the womb, the Oevll slncubator) , become
aletus,andultlmately, maybe,bebornasababy.
Here sthemath. spermcanllvelorlvedaysbelorean
eggshowsup.Aneggcanllveloroneortwodaysbelorea
spermcomesalong. Soawomancanbecomepregnantlor?
5days.Addacoupleoldaysoneachendlorsalety s
sake,andthatmeansthat, eachmonth, youandyourpartner
arevulnerableloraboutelevendays. oocanbecome
renant1I |oohateonrotected1ntercooredor1n 0ee
e!eten da|.
!t seasyto knowwhenabatchollreshspermls
inectedintothevagina.1he guestionis.whenisanegg
avallabletoteamupwlthoneolthosesperm?Approxlmate
answer.abouthallwaylnbetweenmenstrual perlods (that s
whatregulatesthellnlngolthe uterus,wherealertlllzed
eggwouldlmplantandgrow) . !nanaverage twenty-elght-
daymenstrualcycle, thlscorrespondsto thesecondweek
andthebeglnnlngolthethlrdweekaltertheendolmonthly
menstruatlon.However,lewcycles areexactlyaverage, and
any cycle canbethrownollbylllness, stress, nurslng,
pheromones, abruptchangeslndletorsleeppatterns,and
otherthlngs.
lonlyyoucouldpredictexactlywhenyouoryour
partnerwouldovulate,you dhaveagreatlormol
contraceptlon1I youwereabsolutely,posltlvely, rlgldly
unwllllngto have lntercourse durlngthatopenwlndowol
posslbleconceptlon. Awomancanestlmate (buton!|
estlmate)whenshe llovulatebycountlngtendayslromthe
beglnnlngolherlastperlod,butthat snotterrlblysclentllc.
Peoplewhorelyonthlsunsclentllccountlnglorblrth
controlcallltthe rhythmmethod. 1hetechnlcaltermlor
thesegamblersls parents , ?5 percentolcouples uslngthls
methodbecomepregnantdurlngatyplcalyear. !nthe
twenty-lrstcentury, taklngthlsmonthlyrlsklscompletely
unnecessaryandmorallylrresponslble.
Somepeoplecallthlswholeprocessthe mlracleol
llle. xceptlt sno mlraclelt sslmplesclence.!lyou
relusetouserealcontraceptlon,memorlzeandusethese
simpleIacts.Here sachartthatrestateswhat veust
descrlbed.
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LUnIi8C0IUn. Vh_ S I C0C8l
Foralmosteveryone, unlntendedpregnancyls theonly
serlousthlngthatcangowrongwlthconsensual sex.
1hus, ellectlvecontraceptlonlsaspeclalpartolSexual
!ntelllgence.\henyouvetakencareollt,youcando
whateveryoullke sexually,untllyoudo, lntercoursecan
haveterrlbleconseguences.1hat snowayto llve, andno
waytomakelove.\hen nothlng cangowrongwlth
lntercourse,youcanenoyltlnavery speclal way.\hen
lntercourse canresultlnanunwantedpregnancy,howcana
reasonablepersonrelaxandenoyit?
1oreducebothperlormanceanxletyandnormallty
anxlety, wehavetomakesex essentlally harmless and
meanlngless. (!llt smeanlngless,youdon tneedto lear
lallure.) 1hls approachlreesyou tocreateprolound,
lntlmate, andpersonallymeanlnglulsexualexperlences,
youandyourpartnerusthavetoarrangeyourattltudesand
behavlorsothatltdoesn treallymatterwhathappens
durlngsex,aslongasyoubothenoylt.
! mamazedatthecasualapproachmanyotherwlse
thoughtlulpeople haveaboutcontraceptlon.
\hen!askpatlentsaboutlt,asurprlslngnumbersay,
\e renottrylngto haveababy, butlllthappenslt
happens. Mostpeoplewouldn tusethatapproachabout
buylngornotbuylngatoaster. Eutthat sapparently
howmany people thlnkabouttheslnglemostlmportant
declslonahumancanmake.
Alterthlrty-threeyearslnthesexleld, ! veprobably
heardeveryreasonsupposedlyexplalnlngwhypeople
aren tconslstentaboutcontraceptlon,suchas.
1heplllmakesmegalnwelght.
1hepllllsdangerous.
usthavealeelingthat mnot (orwearen t)
lertlle.
Varlousmethodslnterruptspontanelty.
! dleelpressuredbyallthatplannlng.
get (orshegets) noIeellngswlthacondom.
! malrald! lllosemyerectlonputtlngona
condom.
\ehaven tbeenuslngblrthcontrolrellablylor
years,andnothing shappenedyet.
Awomanwhoplanstohavesexlsaslut.
!don twantanymoreklds, butwhatll!get
sterlllzedandthenmykldsdlelnanaccldent?Ormy
spousedlesandmynextspousewantsakld?
\edon tagreeonwhetherornottohaveakld (or
anotherkld) ,and!don twanttolghteverytlmewe
havesex.
! mChrlstlanand! mnotsurecontraceptlonlsthe
rlghtthlngtodo.
Maybelt ssmartorwell-ollpeoplellkeuswho
shouldbehavlngklds.
! heardyoucan tgetpregnantthelrsttlme (or
standlngup, orllyoudon tcllmax, orlltheglrllson
top, orllyoushoweralterwards, orlltheguypulls
out) .
!dounderstandthatdlscusslngcontraceptloncanopen
upconversatlonsyoumlghtnotwanttohaveontoplcs
suchas.
1heluture oltherelatlonshlp
1hegualltyolyoursexllle
\hetherornotyou re both sexually excluslve, and
howyoudelnethat
ConLlct overwhetherornotyou regolngtohavea
chlld (oranotherchlld)
\hereyoumlghtbellvlnglnlveyears
1heunsettledguestlonolwhetheroneolyoulsever
golngbacktowork
1hat swhycontraceptlonlsmorethanustatechnlcal
actlvlty, ltcanbethelntersectlonolanumberolemotlonal
andrelatlonshlplssues.\henyouhaven tsettledthe
prlnclples andlutureolarelatlonshlp,avoldlngblrth
controlcanbeawayolavoldlngotherthlngs.1heproblem
lsthattheprlcelorthlsavoldancecanbeanunlntended
pregnancy.
1here sacontraceptlvemethodloreveryone,though
eachhasltsownlnconvenlences. Somepeoplesay, !don t
wantanyolthelnconvenlencesassoclatedwlthan|olthe
methods, andtherelorewe lluse nothlng. !lpeopleneeded
allcensetohavesex,thatsortolthlnklngwouldbeexactly
whatwoulddlsgualllysomeone. xpresslngyoursexuallty
lnasale, enoyable,llle-enhanclngwaylsaglorlous
prlvllege.Maklngyoursellvulnerabletoallle-alterlng,
unwantedconseguencetreatssexandyoursellterrlbly
dlsrespectlully.
Havlnglntercourse?Fertlle?lot I 00percentsureyou
wantapregnancy?1o getmoreolwhatyouwantlromsex,
usecontraceptlon.
LUn I Ui_0I Ih0 wUinn_-FH0i lll
lowhere sanamazlnglnventlon. emergencycontraceptlon
(C) . Acarelullyconlguredhlghdoseolblrthcontrolpllls,
youcan,dependlngonthebrand,takeltuptolvedays
alterunprotectedlntercourse, andltwlll preventyoulrom
gettlngpregnant.!/ 'sno/anabor/!onIh(that sadlllerent
drug,RI486) , andltwon tabortorallectalertlllzedegg
alreadylmplantedontheuterlnewall. !tust prevents
pregnancy.Anyonewho saysdlllerentlylsbaslngthelr
oplnlon onsomethlngotherthansclentllc lact.
AnyoneseventeenoroldercannowgetCwlthouta
prescrlptlon.!tsshelllllelsseveralyears. Sollyou re
lertlleandyoudon twantto getpregnantrlghtnow,you
shouldgetsomeatyourlocalpharmacythlsweek.!eeplt
aroundsothatllyourregularmethodlalls(acondom
breaks,yourdogeatsyourblrthcontrolpllls) ,youcan
protectyoursellandyourpartnerlmmedlately.lyoudon t
useltalterthreeyears,throwltawayandbuyanew
package. SlmplykeepCaroundasamatterolcourse, llke
toothpaste,balsamlcvlnegar,andAAbatterles.
Oneyearalteryouoryourpartnerstopsmenstruatlng,
youcanstopbuylngC. !lyouneverusedlt, ltwasagood
lnvestment, adollaramonthloraverypowerlulklndol
lnsurance.!lyouneededlt, ltwasworthamllllonbucks.
Formoreinlormationonthismodernwonderdrug,seethe
mergencyContraceptlonwebslte
(http.//ec.prlnceton. edul guestlons/lndex. html).
C0Xu8ll_ Ji8nSmII0d n0CIUnS
1henthere sS1!s.\hen!wasgrowlngup,ltwascalled
venerealdlsease.\ethought venereal wasIatlnlor
dlrty, lmmoral, andshamelul.
ManypeopleconslderanS1!ustabouttheendolthe
world. Once dlagnosedtheyleeldlr(,ashamed, broken.
1heywonderllanyonewllleveragalnhavesexwlththem,
orllthey lleverbeabletoenoyltagaln.1heycan t
lmaglneevertelllngsomeoneaboutthelrcondltlon.
Assumingyougettreated,that stheworstsetol
conseguencesloreveryS1! (exceptH!V) mostpeoplewlll
encountershame,stlgma, lsolatlon. Andsomelong-term
relatlonshlpsaredamagedbytherevelatlon(orsusplclon)
ollnldelltythataccompanlesthe dlagnoslsolan S1!
(whlchlswhysomanypeoplekeepthelnlormatlonlrom
thelrpartner) .
Modernmedlclnemakesltposslbleto dealwlthS1!s
thewaywedealwlthothermedlcalcondltlons.Eacterlal
lnlectlonsllkesyphlllsarecuredwlthslmplemedlcatlon.
Vlrallnlectlonsllkeherpescannotbecured,buttheycanbe
managedwithsimplemedicationandlilestyleadustments
regardlngdletandstress. !nasmallnumberolpeople,an
untreated S1! leads to lnlertllltybut agaln, prompt
treatmentcanpreventthls.
!nall, thelllelongconseguencesolanunlntended
pregnancylar,laroutwelghthe conseguences olcatchlng
an S1!.
SomepeoplereallycareaboutS1!s,andtheyuse
condoms oravoidgenital/Luidsex. 1hat sexcellent, want
theselolkstoenoythesexthey rehavlng, notslmplydread
dlsaster. Manymore people a|theycareaboutgettlng
lnlected,buttheydon tdomuchto preventlt. Someol
thesepeopleenoysex, somearetooanxlousto enoylt.
ActuallypreventlngthespreadolS1!s lnvolvestalklng
wlthyoursexualpartner(s) .1hatcanbe unpleasant, but
beloreyouevengettothat,let snotetwothlngsyoucando
thatdon tregulre anyawkwardconversatlon.
Famlllarlzeyoursellwlththeoutwardsymptomsol
themostcommonS1s. '
Casuallycheckyourpartnerlorthesesymptoms,
especlallyanewpartneroroneyouhaven tseenlna
whlle. Showerlngtogetherlsanenoyablewaytodo
thls. Sols playlng aroundwlthapartner sthlghs,
belly,andbutt-inenoughlightthatyoucansee
whatyou replaylngwlth.
Eutvery,verylewpeopledothls. Peoplereallydon t
wanttothlnkaboutS1!s.Sowhy don t people protect
themselves?Andsclentlllcally,whatdoes protectlon
mean?
Ilmltlngthenumberolyoursexualpartners
Perlodlcally examlnlngyoursell(andknowlngwhat
you re looklng lor)
xamlnlngyourpartners (and knowlngwhatyou re
looklnglor)
IslngnonLuldornongenltallormsolsex
IslngcondomslorgenltalLuldlormsolsex
Verylewpeopleeagerlyembraceallolthesepractlces.
1hemostthatalotolpeoplecanmanagewlthanew
partneris, \eshouldprobablytalkabout,youknow,
dlsease.!don thaveanythlngyouneedtoknowabout.
\hataboutyou?lo?Creat, let sproceedwlthabandon.
!knowthatmanyslngleandnonmonogamousmenand
womenthlnkaboutS1!s, butgenerallythesamewaywe
Calllornlansthlnk aboutearthguakes!hope dlsaster
doesn tstrlke,!know!shouldtake precautlons, butlt stoo
muchtrouble, andlllthappens,! llustdealwlthlt.
Sowhy don tpeopledealwlththelranxle(orthelr
ratlonalconcernaboutS1!s?
\holikestoacknowledgetheirpartner sprevious
(sex) llle?
\hollkestoacknowledgethelrpartner scurrent
(sex) lllewlthothers?
\howantsto tellthetruthaboutthelrprevlousor
currentsexllle?
\howantsto commlttocondomslong-term?
Eyagellty, one-guarteroltheI. S. populatlontests
posltlvelorthegenltalherpes vlrus. achyear, over
I ,000,000people catchchlamydla,thecountry smost
common S1!. !lyouhaveoneolthese, oranotherS1!, you
are notalone. Andyouareneltherdlr(norbroken. Eutyou
wlllhavetogettreated,andyouwlllhavetolearnhowto
talk about lt.
Eecausepeopledodlelromdlseasesassoclatedwlth
H!V, wecan tsaythatstlgmaandlsolatlonareltsworst
conseguences. Euttherlsklactorslorcatchlng H!Varewell
known, and, statlstlcally, mostheterosexual Amerlcans are
notgenerallyexposedto H!V. lonmonogamousstralght
andgaypeoplecanprotect themselveslromH!Vwlth
reasonabledeclslon-maklngregardlngbothsexandlllestyle
cholces.
Here swhatrecommend.
Consldertheadvantagesolbelngreallytruthlulwlth
yoursexualpartner(s) .1hebeneltsgowaybeyond
protectlonlromS1!s.
Oecideilyoursexhabitspresentorpastputyou
atrlsklorH!V/A!OS. (1hlslncludesyourpartners
hablts, rlght?) !lso,gettested (lt sprlvateandlree ln
mostcommunltles) thls month, andthlnkabout
whetherornotyouwantto contlnuellvlngthlsway.
Cetaroutine bloodtestlorcommonS1s.nlorm
yourpartner(s) oltheresults,evenllthey renegatlve
(whlchcouldmotlvatethemtogettested) .
Iearnhowtomaxlmlzepleasuredurlngsexwhen
you reuslngcondoms [es, therearetrlcks) ._
!lyou relertlle,getserlousaboutblrthcontrol.!t s
wa|morelmportantthanS1!s.
w8iS 8nd `0nuSLi L8iIh
1helastcomponentolknowledgelnvolveschallenglngthe
conventlonalwlsdomaboutwomenandmen.
Althoughweveallheardtheexpresslon theopposlte
sex, preler the other sexor the other gender. Alter
all, menandwomen arenotopposltes. !nlact, there s
nothlngonthlsearththat smorellkeamanthanawoman.
\hat sslmllartoamanalsh,aplneapple, arowboat,a
sweater, anaudlocassette,aglassollreshlemonade?lo.
1hethlngonearththat smostllkeamanlsawoman.And
thethlngonearththat smostllkeawomanlsaman.
1heldeathatmenandwomencommunlcatelnvastly
dillerentwaysmayhavealewtinygrainsoltruthto it, but
theblggerplcturelsmorelmportant. sexually,menand
womenwantthesamethlngs, areanxlousaboutthesame
thlngs,andwlthholdcommunlcatlonthesameway. Eoth
menandwomenareshyaboutbrlnglngup herpes, shy
aboutasklngloralngerlnthelrbutt,andshyaboutsaylng,
Oh, dothatharder, orPleasedothatslower, or Iet s
gobrushourteethlrst.
Iet srememberthereareovertwobllllonadultwomen
andovertwobllllonadultmenonthlsearth (andlnlate
Oecemberltseemsthey reallatthemallatthesametlme) .
1hatmakestoday swomen and menthebiggest
categorlestheworldhaseverseen. !lyourelyonthose
categorlestounderstandyourpartneroryoursell,you re
golngtomlssalot.
Arethereanysurethlngsyoucanrelyonwhenmaklng
lovewlthamanorawoman?\ell,everybodyneeds
oxygentobreathe, sooner orlatereveryone needs topee,
andeveryonehasapalnthreshold. Olcourse,everyone s
needsl nallthree departmentsvarywldely.
Herearesomeothera!mos/-surethlngs. mostpeople
wanttoleelspeclal,most peoplewanttoleelattractlve,and
mostpeoplewanttoleelcompetent. Soyoucanmake
assumptlonslnthlsdlrectlon, butpayattentlonlncaseyour
partnerlsn toneolthese most people.
Andyou?Cetto knowyoursell, don tcategorlze
yoursell, anddon tletyourpartnercategorlzeyou. \hen
shesays, 1hat sustllkeaman, tellthetruth!dothat
because! mme. !lyoudon tstoplordlrectlonswhen
you relost, ltlsn tbecauseyou reaman,lt sbecause
you reloollsh. Andawomanwho overspendsatthe shoe
storelsn tbelngustllkeawomanshe sbelng
lrresponslble.
1hewholeMars/ enusldeathatmenandwomenare
radlcally dlllerent creatures getslnthewayolour
relationships, making ithardtotrustandenoy them. How
canpeople expect to relate meanlnglully lltheylmaglne
they relromdlllerentplanets?
Okay, sollmenandwomenaresoslmllar,whydoso
manypeopleconsldertheopposltesexaproblem?!thlnk
lt sanunderstandable mlstake oldlstance andlocus.!lyou
askgaymenwhodrlvesthemcrazy,theyslghandsay,
Men. !lyouasklesblanswhodrlvesthemcrazy,they
lrownandanswer, \omen. 1hat sbecausethat sthe
genderolthepeoplethey reeachsexualwlth.\ealready
knowwho heterosexual peoplethlnklstheproblemthe
othergender.
Mostpeoplehavehadnegatlvedatlng experlences, and
mostolus occaslonallygetled upwlthourslgnllcant
other. \easslgnarangeolnegatlvecharacterlstlcstothese
characterswehave loved, trusted, ldeallzed, andbeen
dlsappolntedby. they resellsh, lmpulslve,bossy, passlve,
unrellable, manlpulatlve,andtheydon tllsten. Andslnce
mostpeoplearestralght,thlslormulatlonstlcks. menand
women are opposlteswho keep betraylng each other s
dreams.Eutwhatpeoplereallymean, !thlnk,l sthls.
Eelnglnlntlmaterelatlonshlpslshard' Mypartnerlsnever
perlect,andhe (she) wantsstul'
Here sastorythatshowswhathappenswhenyoubase
yourmarltalandsexualdeclslonson knowledge thatlsn t
lactualbutyoulnslstthatltls. 1hlslstheopposlteol
Sexual!ntelllgence.
Eoth\llllamandHonggrewuplnVletnam,andeach
stlllhadparentsllvlngthere.\lthoutknowlngeachother,
theyhadbothcometo SanFranclscolorcollege, andthen
stayed,pursulngseparate llves. 1heyeventuallymet,and
althoughltwasn texactlyanarrangedmarrlage,they each
knewtheywereexpectedto marryaVletnamese.Andso
eventhoughHongwasdlvorcedandelghtyearsolderthan
\llllam, andeventhoughtheyhadverydlllerent
personalltles, theymarrledalewmonthsalterbelng
introduced.
1hat swhentheystartedhavlngsex. !twasclumsyand
lrustratlng,andalterslxmonths oltrylng, thelrenthuslasm
begantowane. Soalteronlytwoyearsolmarrlage,they
cametoseeme.
\llllamwaslntelllgent, energetlc,andllkable,buthls
oplnlonsweresorlgldthattheywerehardtodlscuss, much
lesschallenge. 1hatwasthemarrlage Honglound hersell
ln. !tdldn thelpthetherapytohave\llllamtelllngme,
overandover,thatheknewhowthlngswerelor
Vletnameseand!dldn t. \hen Hong perlodlcally
complainedthatthiswashowheinsultedherandeveryone
else,hewouldtemporarllyswltchgearsdlsmlsslngwhat
! dsaywlthalaux-graclous everyonehasthelroplnlon,
andwe llusthavetoagreetodlsagree.
!twasaggravatlng, especlallyslncetheywereclearly
sullerlng, !llkedthemboth, and!wantedtohelpthem.
Sowhatdld\llllamknow aboutsex?
1helrchronlclnanclalguarrelsshouldnotallect
thelrdeslre orarousal.
Hlslowdeslrewasatleastpartlybecausehewas
gettlng older. ('' I` monthewrongsldeolthlrty,
he dsay.)
!twaswrongloran older womantohaveasmuch
sexualdeslreasHongdld.
Marltalsexshouldlocusonlntercourse, andHong s
reguestlor varlety (lnhercase,oralsex) wasn t
partolVletnamesetradltlon. 1herelorehedldn t
havetodealwlththesesexuallnterests.
Eetweensesslons! dmakeplanslorhow!woulddeal
wlth\llllamnexttlme. Eutdespltemy plans, eachweek
! dsomehowlndmyselldebatlnghlmabouttheaccuracy
olhlsvarlousassumptlons. Sometlmes ! dtalkabout
narrativesandconstructedreality, butthatneverwent
anywhere, slnce \llllamwasconvlncedhewasspeaklng
truth,notslmplyglvlnghlsownperspectlve. So! dget
pulledlntodlscusslonsaboutthe normal deslre ollorty-
lve-year-oldwomen,howcommoncunnlllnguswasln
marrlage,howthehumannervoussystemworks,andsoon.
\eekalterweek!experlencedexactlywhatHongwasup
agalnst.
AlthoughHongdldn treallybellevelnthetradltlonal
model,shewastrylngto beagoodVletnamesewlle. Eut
whenshemade these attempts,herresentmentwouldbulld,
andhisenormoussenseolentitlement (hewasn tust
stubbornandnarclsslstlc,hewasthelrstbornson' )would
become sohurtlulandollenslvetoherthatshe dosclllate
betweenwlthdrawalandsuddenoutbursts. 1henhe dbe
genulnelybaHed.hurtthatshehadblownupathlm,and
he dactuallyexpectanapologywhlchwouldlnlurlate
her.
lowondertheydldn thavesex.
!trledtoexplalnto\llllamthat,atleastherelnthe
\est, agood sexual relatlonshlpwassomethlngtwo adults
bullt collaboratlvely,buthedldn thear lt. Further,!urged
himto speak to someone else to getlactsthatwould
challenge hls, butherelused.Hesaldthatherespectedme
andthatllhewasgolngtoreconslderhls lacts, ltwould
bewlthme. !twasaLatterlng, butlrustratlng, moment.
Flnally!suggestedthatHongtell\llllamshe lelt
lnvlslbleto hlm. Hewassympathetlc. !askedhowthat
leellngcomparedtothe tradltlonalmotherandgrandmother
rolesshe had seenlnVletnam. ]ustthesame, shesald
bltterly. As aglrl, mygrandmotherlearnedtheruleol
three obedlences jtolather, husband, andson] .!sthatwhat
mylllelsto be? Andhermother? Mylatherusedto
threatento dlvorceherllshedldn tproduceason.Andol
courseshewasaslavetomylather sparents.Herreallty
wasolveryllttlelnterestlnthathouse.
Asking\illiamwhatsortollilehewanted, saidthat
wasverysympathetlctohlsdllemmashouldhehavea
tradltlonalVletnamesehomeoramoremodernAmerlcan
one?!nthelormer,hlswordwaslaw, andhls lactswere
lacts.!nthesecond,hlswordwasmoreorlessegualtohls
wlle s, andhls lacts weresubecttochallengeatany
tlme.He thought about ltloralong tlme. ! mnotsure, he
sald slowly. ! wantmymarrlage,but!don tllkebelng
guestloned, and!don tllketheldeaolbelngwrong.
Andl lthatmadesexunenoyablelorher,orlorhlm, or
llltpreventedsatlslactlon? 1hatmlghtbenecessary, he
observed, althoughitwould betoobad. 1o hiscredit,
\llllamsuggestedthattheycontlnueseelngme, butltwas
dlHculttomakeprogresswlthhlm knowlng
lnaccuratelyallthathedld.
Eoth\llllamandHongwereresponslblelorthelrsexual
andmarltalproblems.\henpeople arelnconLlct, lt s
essentlaltoseparatelactlromoplnlon, andoplnlonlrom
lgnoranceorpreudlce. Asthehusband,\llllambelleved
hehadtheprlvllegeolnothavlngtoexamlnehls lacts
le. , hlsassumptlons,bellels, andsuperstltlonsaboutsex
andgender. 1hls, olcourse, madechangelmposslble.
C0Xu8l LV0iSI_
Stucklnhlsvarlousstubbornposltlons (andclalmlngthey
weren tstubbornposltlons) ,\llllamdldn tappreclate
sexual dlversltythewlderangeolhowhumansexpress
thelrsexuallty.Hlsoplnlonsabouthowothersshouldllve,
andhlsbellelsabouthowothersdollve,were obstaclesto a
satlslylngsexllleandmarrlage.
So,unllke\llllam,let sexamlnesomeactuallacts
about thisdiversity. 1hese may help yourelaxduringsex,
andperhapshelpyouunderstandyourpartneroryour
experlencesbetter.
!nsexuallty, dlversltyamongpeoplelstherule,not
theexceptlon.
!nthehumanlamlly,everydlmenslonolsexualltyls
dlversedeslres, lantasles,comlortlevel, rlsk-taklng,
orgasm, conceptsolvlrglnlty,structuresolsexual
relatlonshlps,what sconsldered klnky, andso on.
Formanypeople, thepsychologicalcontextoltheir
behavlorlswhatmakessexexcltlng. 1hlscanlnclude
role-playlng, enactlnglantasles,wearlngcostumes,
telllngsexystorles,watchlng (ormaklng)
pornography,uslngcodewords, orbelng observed by
others.Forsome people, aroughhandonthewrlst,a
slmpleblackbra, orthewords Spankme,Oaddy,
orMaybeweshouldn tdothls, turnanordlnary
eventlntoathrllllng one. Otherpeoplelnd such
thlngsslllyorunsexy.
Mllllons olAmerlcanadultsarelnto erotlcpower
playconsensualspanklng,bondage,domlnatlon
games, controlledhumlllatlon,carelullycallbrated
lntensestlmulatlon,sensorydeprlvatlon,andsoon.
Youcan ttellwhatsomeone ssexuallnterestsare
basedontheotherthlngsyouknowabouthlmorher.
Forexample,somepeoplewhoarelntoroughsexual
gamescomelromroughbackgrounds,whlleothers
comelrommlldandlovlngbackgrounds. Somevery
ladyllkeandgentlemanlycreaturesgetnastyand/or
nuttybetweenthe sheets.
Menand women areheterogeneouscategorles
theydon t predlctmuchaboutthesexualltyolthe
people lnthem. !nlact,allcategorlesarellkethat
when ltcomesto sexolllmltedvalue.
!callthlslssue dlversltyratherthannormallty (see
Cha_ter? onthls) becausemy goallsnottoallayyour
anxietyaboutyournormality. Kather, wantyoutonotC1u
aboutwhetheryoursexualltylsnormalto know that you
canustbeyou. !wanttoremlndyouaboutthewlderange
olwhatpeopledo, some olwhlchprobablymakesnosense
toyouustassomeolwhatyoudowouldmakenosense
topeoplelromotherculturesorhlstorlcaltlmes.
Forexample,aChlnesepatlentolmlnewhocametothe
InltedStateslorcollegethlrteenyearsagotoldmethatthe
lrsttlmesheeversawtwo adults klsspasslonatelywasat
thelandlnggateattheIosAngelesalrport.Forawhlleshe
thoughtAmerlcanswereobsessedwlthnotonlyklsslng,but
wlthklsslnglnpubllc. Abuncholosculo-exhlbltlonlsts'
Slmllarly, manypeopleacrosstheInlted Statesand
aroundtheworldkeepsomeolthelrclothesondurlngsex.
Othersoluswouldn tdreamoldolngso, lnlact,we dleel
deprlvedoloneolourgreatestpleasuresdurlngsex,skln-
to-sklntouch.\hlchwaylsnormal?\rongguestlon
becauseltdoesn tmatter.Oowhatyouandyourpartner
lndcomlortable. (1oexpandyourerotlcvocabulary, see
thehlntsthroughoutPart1hree.)
1hls dlverslty lssuelsespeclallylmportantllyou re
someonewho perlodlcallytellsyourpartnerthatsheorhe
lsn tnormal,orllyouleelcompelledtodelendyoursell
lromsuchanaccusatlon.
Sexual!ntelllgenceregulresthatyouappreclatethe
conceptolsexualdlverslty.1hatdoesn tmeanyouapprove
oleverysexualpractlcealthoughpeoplearoundtheworld
are notasklngloryourapprovaltodowhattheydo,thank
youvery much, anymorethanyou reasklnglorthelrs.
Appreclatlngtheconceptolsexualdlversltymeansthat
youunderstandthat ia!ocssubectivevaluesdetermine
whataperson, communlty, orculture conslderssexually
normal , notsomeeternaltruth. People andcommunltles
mayclalmthatthelrvaluesandudgmentsarelnsplredor
dlctatedby Cod, commonsense, orthe naturalworld,
butlt sallsubectlve,andallwrlttenbyhumanswlth
humanpreudlces.
Youcan,olcourse,maketheopposlte, tradltlonal
argument, leaplng tothedelenseolcertalnnormsoralleged
truths (ltreallydoesn tmatterwhlchones) .Eutkeepthlsln
mlnd. llyoutellyourpartnerthathlsorhersexual
prelerences, lantasies, andlimitationsarenot
normal (lnsteadolsaylngyou renotcomlortablewlth
them) , you reasklnglortrouble. ltheryourpartnerwlll
agree, andshrlnkbacklromyouaccordlngly, ordlsagree, ln
whlchcaseyou llhavepalnlul,lrresolvableconLlct.
Clalmlngthatyouknowwhat snormal lsexactlytheklnd
olpowergrabthatundermlneslntlmacy.
\henyouudge|ooIse!Iaccordlngtosomelmaglned
standardolwhat ssexuallynormal,you realsoasklnglor
trouble.You redlmlnlshlngyourlndlvldualltyand
comparlngyoursellto completestrangers.Alterall,you re
not peopleyou reyou.1hus,yoursexualltydoesn t
needto resemblethatolotherpeople.
Eesldes, alewcenturlesagoorathousandmllesaway,
youmlghtbeconslderedasnormalasraln. lotthatthat
matters, olcourse.
CL3_|ct11Ic
OuI !6dII
1HO|lOH3 DKl1lS
owena cametoeemebecaoe he wacared. 5he 'd
beencaohthat1new1thar1nterrea1ro|1nher
oIcer1ht1n them1dd!e oIthe worIda|. !erboto!dher
thatLhed1dn'tnher eadd1c/ion "1mmed1ate!|, he 'd
beterm1nated.
7hetwent|-1-|ear-o!dbooIIeeerhadon!|metthe
o|theret1ooda|. 5hehadth1I1ndoIem1-anon|moo,
em1-ob!iceer1od1ca!l|. Anda!thooh he!t1ed0e
daneroI1t (nottoment1ontheoram),ett1ncaoht
waa waIe-oca!! |aheotaood-t1me1r! who
!otede, or wathereometh1n wron w1thher
5heto!dmehewamarr1ed, and0athe!otedher
hoband(oe. Sot theadtentore1one, "hea1d,
haI1nherhead Aa|be 1hoo!dn 'thateottenmarr1ed.
Io|oo th1nI 1'motaeadd1ct "
1don '//h!nI 'scadd!c/ion'!sahc!Io!ca/cor "1
to!dher. 1th1nIomeeo!ehate|cho!o1ca!rob!em
obe1te-como!1ted1order, b1o!ard1order,
border!ineerona!it|. Sotwhatother ca!l 'eadd1c/ion'
1th1nI1mot!|eo!eact1nooteoa!l andthennot
!iI1ntheconeqoenceoIthe1rdeci1on-maI1n. 7hen
theeeo!ea|the|'re ootoIcontro!eoa!l|
'add1cted.'"
Powena wan'ta eadd1ct ";hetrocImea
somconc whohadonrca!is/icccc/a/ionsaboo/!I/cand
e. 5oweta!IedabootherneedIoradtentore, 0eh1hoI
taI1nr1I, the thrIJoIaneweartner. Aot
1mortant! we ta!Iedaboothownomatterhowmochhe
cratchedhet1!lhadan1tch, andthenetcaoa!
encoonterwoo!dbeotaroond0ecorner. Aa|be 0at wa
a cloe, 1a1d, thatometh1ne!e wao1non.
oomean,!t1ewhen 1matorbate twoorthreet1me
dor1nada|and1'mtIJhoI| " Eact! "1a1d.
Aa|be|oo 're o1netoetometh1nthatecan 't
1te|oo. Andma|be that 'retent1n|ooIrom eno|1n
scxmorcdcc!| w!/h|oorhosband "
Sotawecon/inoedta!I1n, heotdeIen1te. Aa|be
|oootth1nIeter|onehoo!dbemarr1ed, "heooted
Orthatcaoa!e1otIoro|.Aa|be|oo 'renotthe
b1e-o1t1tehr1nIeter|one th1nI|ooare. "
Actoa!l|, 1don'tcareI/ |oota|marr1edornot,"1
a1d1m!|. 1'mmore1ntereted1n|oo!it1n w10
1nter1t whateterthattornoottomean."
7hatwaaorr1etoher, and1totherth1nI1n. AIter
am1note '.Jence, hea1d, ooInow,m|ree1te
Iee!inwa, ' |e!l, 1don 'tcareI/1ta|marr1edornot
e!/her. '!owscrewedo !s 0a/ "
7h1 waacommonatteI w1th o.he 'detanr|
w1thmeor Iee!m1ondertood, botetentoa!l|rea!i.ehe 'd
been1mo!1te, andthenemot1ona!l|re-enteroor
re!at1onh1.
|nconcioo!|, heoedhereoa!iqw1thmethatwa|
a!o. |h1!e1'mcerta1nhehadno actoa!eoa!1ntent1on
towardme, hed1dmanae to te!lmeetera! t1me thathe
!oted1t1n head 1'mdamnoodat1ttoo. " 7hen he 'd
!ooIatmeandaII/hehadembarraedoroetme.
Powenawatr|n totornme1ntoacontro!!inmother
hecoo!drebe!aa1nt. 7h1 wa, 1oon!earned, aneer1e
echooIherch.Jdhood, whenheIe!tt1edb|herb1ct
tatho!icmother. SotPowenahadmotedherado!ecent
rcscn/mcn/bccaoschcrmo/hcrwass!cI!|andh|s!ca!l|
weaI. Powenahadto taIecareoI hermother, wh1ch!eIt
!itt!eroom torebe!ortoetmocho1t1teattent1on,
e1ther.
EnteraaradeoI5an1h totor, |P5 de!iteren, car
mechan1c, oIncerea1ro|, and etenherdent1t.
ooUhate tonndwa| oIIee!in1mortant, !oted,
andrett|thatdon't1nto!tecaoa!eH |oo wanttoeno|
be1nmarr1ed, "1a1d And1ondertand0atm1hteem
!t1ean1mo1b!etaI."
1n Iact1td1d. Sot1caneethatrow1n o1theon!|
wa|oo/oI0!s, "shcrac/ica!l|wh!scrcd !owcan!do
that"
Fat-Iorwardthrooh oornrtdo.en e1on. 1t 'been
monthoItro!e. Powena 'been!earn1n tota|more
awareoIher1nteIa!tate, rea!i.1n whatI1ndoIemot1ona!
noor1hmentheneedat tar1oo/ime (eercie, ho,
!aohter, med1tat1on, e!/-ta!idat1on, who!eomet1mew1th
n1end whocareIorher, andoon). Andhe '!eaI1nto
ta!Imoretoherhoband.moreabootbe1nbored, more
abootwant1nh1e!/-d1cloore, moreabootherreeto
rebe!, etenHhehato createanadterar|torebe!
aa!ns/.
Andthe|'re ta!I1nmoreaboote. 7he|'temadea
dea!.heU!owdownandbemoreemot1ona!l|reent
dor1neLheUdo theame.
1t 'car|, "hea1d. 1neterthoohtecoo!dbe
car|ont.Jnow.1oethat 'rore, hoh"
Mostgrown-upsdon twanttogetlntobedwlthsomeonell
they reangrywlthorleellnghurtbythem. So,lor
enoyablesex,you needthesklllstosettlethenon-sexual
lssuesthatcomeupdurlngtheweek. Youalsoneedthe
sklllstonotgetthrownbywhateverhappensdurlngsex.
\eallneedemotlonalsklllstocreatearelatlonshlpln
whlchgolngtobedwlthsomeonemakessense. !ncaseyou
haven tnoticed,ilyouaren tdependable,cooperative,
valldatlng,appreclatlve,andcarlngevenwhenyou renot
especlallylnthemoodthetlmeswhenyouandyour
partnerwlllbothbeup lorsexwon tcome aroundtoo
olten.
\ealsoneedemotlonalsklllstohelpusnavlgatethe
normalklndsolemotlonaleventsthatcanhappenlnbed
suchasleellnglonelyorabandoned,udgedorcrltlclzed,
sell-crltlcal,embarrassed,orashamed,lnadeguateor
dlsappolntlngto ourpartner.!lyoulallaparteverytlme
yourpartnerdoesn torgasm, oreverytlmeyouleelchubby,
oreverytimeyoudon tgetexactlytheemotional
connectlonyouwant, sexwlllbecome lessandless
enoyableandeventuallylessandlesslreguent.
And!haven tevenmentlonedthemorespecllcthlngs
thathappen durlng sexllke gettlngacramp lnyourloot,
wettlngthebed,needlngtostoplnthemlddle,orcllmaxlng
unexpectedly. Ooyouhavethe emotlonalskllls to handle
sltuatlonsllkethese?Overtlmethat sdelnltelymore
lmportantthandependableerectlonsorlubrlcatlonon
demand.
ventsllketheseareaboutemotlonsnotaboutsex
orourgenitalia.Aswitheveryotheractivity (goingto
partles, watchlng movles, slttlng onthe beach,llstenlngto
muslc) , durlngsexourbody does whatltdoes,we then
asslgn meanlng towhatltdoes (ordoesn tdo) , and that '
whatcancreatetrouble. 1heseemotlonaleventsalso
lnvolvelnterpretlngyourpartner sbehavlor,whetherlt s
lackolorgasm,orthelookonyourpartner slacewhenyou
undress, oryourpartner s relusaltotouchyoulnacertaln
wayortoaccepthowyouwanttotouchhlmorher.
1hesamesklllthathelpsyouhandleyoursellwhenyour
partnerlorgetsyourblrthdayorwantstogototheballetthe
dayolthe SuperEowlalsoallowsyoutohandlenotgettlng
oralsexwhenyouhope lorlt,orbelngtoldthatyour
partnerdoesn twanttosharepornographywithyou.
Mostsextheraplstssaythatalotolthelrworklsn t
aboutsexltsell.Rather, they reoltenhelplngpeople
developrelatlonshlpsklllsandpersonalmaturlty, whlch
ultlmatelymake cooperatlonmucheasler. Eutthlstakes
tlme, andnoteverybodywantstodolt.
!wasunabletodo thlsellectlvelywlthZenaand Iamar.
Zena sdlstressaboutIamar slackolsexdrlvehad
broughtthemlnto myoHce.Maybe dlstress glvesthe
wrong ldea. Shewasangry,blamlng, sarcastlc,and
sometlmesustunapologetlcallynasty. Eelleve ltornot,
noneolthesemadehimmoreinterestedinsexwithher.
Shehadplentyolreasonstobedlsappolnted.Hewas
whatmostpeoplewould callaslobdropplnghlssocks
andunderwearanywherehehappenedtoundress.Henever
cappedorclosedanythlngtoothpaste,peanutbutter,
dresserdrawers.lotonlydldhescratchwhereverltltched,
helartedandbelchedatwlll,laughlngwhenshe
complalned.
You relmmature, shewouldcomplalnsesslonalter
sesslon. You recontrolllng, hewould reply. Hostlle,
she dannounce. losenseolhumor, he drespond. Alter
sixweeks olthis, startedhopingthey would call and
cancel thelrnextsesslon,ormaybegulttherapyaltogether.
\hlleIamarwasnoplcnlc,Zenawasthetougherone
toworkwlth.\henever!trledto processthelrmutual
hostlllty, she dturnonme. Andwhen!notedthathergoal
olmaklnghlmleelbad (sohe llchange)wascreatlng
problemsolltsown, sheblewupatme.Alteralewolthese
uglylncldents, !notlced!wasstartlngtowlthdrawlrom
her. Olcourse, that swhatIamarwasdolngtoo,whlch
drovehercrazy. Sooneweek!steppedupandtalkedabout
how!wasbecomlnghesltanttoengageZenathatls,to
tellherthetruthustas!lmaglnedIamarhad become
hesltant.!thoughtthatdescrlblngmyowndynamlcwlth
themmlghtprovldenewlnslghtthattheycould use. Alas,
sheblastedmewitha youmenareerksspeech,
completelyeraslngmylndlvldualltyasshelumpedmelnto
acategorywlthherhusbandandtwo bllllon othererks.
lo,!dldnotllkethls.Eut!surewasexperlenclngwhat
ltwasllketo belnarelatlonshlpwlthher.
!learnedthatltwasmoreellectlvetoexplalnthlngsto
IamarthantoZena, notonlywould she getless delenslve,
butshe llkedtheldeathat!wasworklngonhlm,theone
wlththeproblem.
Oespltethls,whenever!cametoo closetothesubectol
howshewastreatlnghlm, she dgetterrlblyupsetand
delensive.Finally,hadtoust sayit. whenpeopledon t
getalongoutsldethebedroom,theyoltenhavetrouble
gettlnglntothe bedroommuch lessenoylngwhatgoeson
there. He nodded. Sheexploded. Apparently, shewantedto
berlghtmorethanshewantedto be sexually engagedwlth
hlm.
Foronethlng,shewantedltclearthatshewasnotto
blamelorthelrproblems, andshewantedltclearthatshe
wasdlsappolntedwlthherselectlonolahusband,whowas
apparentlygulte delectlve.\hen!suggestedthathavlnga
sexlllemlghtregulreherto acceptsomeresponslbllltylor
howthingshadunraveled, she becamemean. Sogently
suggested shemlghtbeleellngattackedbywhat! dust
sald. 1hlswasapparentlyhercuetogetsarcastlc. So!
backedoll,andlttookanothermonthbelore!couldeven
approachthesubectagaln.
ZenaandIamareventuallyleltcounsellngwlthout
settllngthelrsexual lssue. Andshedldltlnapredlctably
hostlleway. sheleltmeavolcemallsaylngthey dusthad
anotherlght,thatthecounsellngwasawasteoltlme, and
thatshehadtoldhlmheneededlndlvldualtherapyorshe d
leavehlm. Andthat!shouldn texpectacalllromeltherol
them,becauseheagreedwlthher.
Zenarelusedtoevenconslderacgulrlngnewemotlonal
sklllslnorderto lmprovehersexualrelatlonshlp. Sowhat
emotionalskillsgointo Sexualntelligence?
C0ll-FCC0I8nC0
1helrstthlng!learnedaboutsexwasshame.
1hlsl swhatapatlenttoldmedurlngmy lrstmonthasa
theraplst.!neverlorgotlt.
\henwedon tacceptourselves, lt salmostlmposslble
tolmaglnesomeoneelseacceptlngus.1hlnkaboutltll
youdon tllkeyourowncooklng, canyoulmaglnesomeone
elseenoylnglt?!lyouthlnkyou reaborlngperson, doyou
bellevesomeonewhosaysyou relasclnatlng?
!t sthesamewlthsex.\eneedtoacceptourselves
ourbodles,ourprelerences, ourexperlences,thewaywe
orgasm (ordon t)-inordertoimaginethatourpartner
accepts oreven celebrates us. \lthoutsell-acceptance,
we reconstantlyonthedelenslve. Someonesaysyoulook
great?Yourespondwlthanapology, delenslveness,or
susplclonthatyou rebelngpatronlzed.
!lyoucan tacceptyoursell,howcanyouapproachyour
partnerto createmuchlessenoyasexualspace
betweenthetwoolyou?!l, lorexample, youhavea
neurotlclearolsomehowhurtlngyourpartnerwlthyour
mascullnlty,youllwlthdrawandllmltemotlonalcontact
wlthher. She llundoubtedlyexperlencethlsashurtlul
whichwasexactlywhatyouwantedtoprevent.Atthat
polntyoucanlorgetabouthavlngrelaxed,playlulsex
perhapsanysexatall.
Sell-acceptance lsakeyresourcelnunhooklnglromsex
that sorlentedtowardnormallty andperlormance. !t
allowsyoutoputyourownexperlencelnthecenterolyour
sexual declslon-maklng,ratherthanleellngtrappedby
conventlonalsocletalldeasthatmaynotsultyou. !t ssell-
acceptancethatenablesyouto tellapartneryou dratherdo
X [ourthlng)thanY(everyoneelse ssupposedthlng) ,
whlchlscruclaltoenoyablesex.
Slmllarly, sell-acceptancecanglveyoutheconldence
andrelaxatlontoallowapartnertobehlmsellorhersell.
\henbotholyouarewllllngtobeyourselves,you reon
thewayto sexyoucanbothenoy.
So lmprovlngyoursell lsnotthecenterpleceol
maklngsexbetter.Startbyacceptlngyoursellthewayyou
areblgbutt, small penls,unpredlctableorgasm,whatever
wlthout lmprovements.
!londlyrecallapatlentnamed Chrlstopher,whocame
totherapybecausehlswllecomplalnedhewaspasslveln
bed.Shelnslstedthathewas passlve becausehedldn tlnd
herexcltlng,butthatwasabsolutelywrong. Chrlstopherust
dldn tleelentltledtogetreallyexclted,tomakereguests
(much lessdemands) ,toeverpullhertowardhlmtheway
she yearnedtobe.
Chrlstophergrewuplnasmall Oklahomatownwhere
hlslamllyownedtheonlygrocery store. Hlsparents
workedconstantlytokeepthestoreopenalmostaroundthe
clock,andtheyexpected Chrlstopherandhlsbrothersto
pltch lneveryday.1hemessageolhlschlldhoodwas
slmple. lllelshard,don tcomplaln,worklseverythlng,
survlvallsthegoal. Andllyouhaveanyleellngsorneeds,
keepthemtoyoursell.
At seventeen, Chrlstopher escapedtoa]esultsemlnary
lnOregon. Althoughheappreclatedthe lntellectual
stlmulatlon,theplaceslmplyrelnlorcedhlslamlly s
messageaboutthecentralltyolsacrlllce,addlngacruclal
twlstsexlsnotalegltlmateneed. Eythetlme helnally
leltthesemlnarytenyearslater (andbecame, olSexual
!ntelllgence I 0I allthlngs,anurse) ,hehadrelatlonshlpsall
lguredout. neverlocusonyourneeds,don tdoanythlng
thatmlghtbeconslderedsellsh,anddonot exploltothers
wlthyourdeslres.
Faclnganadultworldwlthouthavlngacceptedhlsown
needs andinterests, Christopherlounditimpossibleto
really hunger alterhlswlle.Andheloundltegually
lmposslble totalkabouthlsdlstressaboutthls. Ourtherapy
startedwlthagoalthatseemedslmple, butwastotally
prolound. knowlngwhathewanted,admlttlnglttohlmsell,
andthensharlngltwlthher. 1hatwaswaymore lmportant
thanteachlnghlmanewposltlonorgettlng hertowear
llngerle.
JiuSI
!seealotolmenandwomenwhotellmetheyhave trust
lssues. !tell them, Ah,soyou reuncomlortabletrustlng.
!llkethatlormulatlonbetterlt seaslertochangea
discomlortthanan issue. 1rust issues sounds
soooooo serlouswhocouldbeoptlmlstlcaboutchanglng
that?Eesldes, trustlssues soundsllkethe problemls
external,llkebelnghltbyabus,orhavlngalrportsecurlty
mlstakeyouloraterrorlst. ! leeluncomlortabletrustlng
pullstheproblemdowntoahumanscalethatcanactually
bechanged.
1herearemanythlngsyouneedtotrustdurlngsex. that
pleasurelssaleandapproprlate, thaterotlclsmwon tgetout
olcontrollnadestructlveway,thatyoucanconnectwlth
someonewlthoutbelngexplolted,thatyourpartnerls
tellingthetruthwhenhe orsheexpressesdesire, arousal, or
satlslactlonwlthyou.
Eutyoualsoneedtotrust|ooreB 1oomanypeopleare
toldallthelr llvesthatdolng solsamlstake.My patlent
Oouglas, lor example, hasnevertrustedhlmsell.\lth
parentswho toldhlmhewasno good,whocomparedhlm
(unlavorably)wlthcouslns,nelghbors, andeveryoneelse,
hegrewupwlthnosenseolentltlement.Helearedspeaklng
uporwantlnganythlngbecausehebellevedthathumlllatlon
wassureto lollow.
Howcouldapersonllkethlsconnectwlthsomeone
sexually?Hewouldbeconcernedabouthlserectlons,about
comlngtoo soon, aboutnotbelngagoodklsser.Eutthese
technlcalmatterswouldbetheleastolhlsproblems.
\lthouttrustlnghlmsell,hewouldn ttrustsexorhls
partner.Eelngbetrayedbyhlsgenltallawouldbeonlythe
startolhls problems, hlsanxle(andsell-crltlclsmwould
bethecentralleatureolsexlorhlm. 1hlnkhe couldenoy
lt? lo.
turnsoutthattrustlngourselveslslullyaslmportant
astrustingothers.
LUmmunC8IUn
Mostpeopledon treallzethatwhencoupleshaveproblems,
communlcatlonls(plcallyan emo/iona!sklll,nota
techn1ca!one.
lomatterhowclearlyandresponslblyyoulntendto
expressyoursell,lt shardtocommunlcatewellwhenyou
learconLlctorabandonment, have trouble trustlng,orcan t
acceptthatneltheryounoryourpartnerl sperlect.1hat s
whencommunlcatlonl sno longerabouttechnlguesand
llstenlnglt saboutthe emotlons thatpreventuslrom
uslngthosetechnlguesandpreventuslromllstenlng. 1o
lmprovecommunlcatlonatthatpolnt,wehaveto deal lrst
wlththoseemotlons.
Communlcatlonlsllkemanyotheractlvltles,suchas
drlvlng,cooklng, andpubllcspeaklng. !lyou re
comlortable dolngthem, llyouthlnkpeoplellkeyoucanbe
goodatthem, llyou renotterrlledolmaklngamlstake,
thenyoucanenoysuchactlvltlesandbecomeskllllulat
them, evencreatlve.Atthatpolnt these are merely technlcal
skllls.
Eutilyou reno/comlortablebeingapersonwhodrives
orcooks Sexual!ntelllgence I 03orspeaks lnpubllc wlthout
worrylngabout belngwatchedandudged, thenyour
emotlonaldllllcultylslarmorelmportantthanyour
technlcal skllls. Youcan tlearnordotheseactlvltleseaslly
notbecauseyou restupldorclumsy, butbecauseyou re
alraldoruncomlortable.
Andsooneolthlsbook sgoalslstoturn
communlcatlonlromanemotlonal lssue lnto slmply a
technlcalone.
!havesomanypatlentswhoare toldbymagazlnes,
thenternet,various1Vpersonalitiestocommunicate
moreordlllerently. 1helrpartnersoltentellthemln
metlculousdetallwhatthey redolngwrong,wantlngthem
to change. Mypatlentsgenerallyleelthatthlstrlvlallzes
thelrdlHcultles,lrustratedanddlscouraged,theythensay
thlngs llke, !ustwanttoklssyou, butall!getls
crltlclsm, or, Can twedo oneslnglethlngwlthout
wastlngalotoltlmecommunlcatlng?
\hllesomepeopledorelusetocommunlcate (lt s
noneolyourbuslness, youdon treallycare, youust
wanttocontrolme,llkemyex) , mostdon t. Rather, people
whoareverballyrestralnedorwhohldebehlndeuphemlsms
are (plcallyustsoboundupthatcommunlcatlonlsalmost
lmposslble. Forthemcommunlcatlonlsanemotlonalsklll,
ratherthanaslmplytechnlcalone.
1hat swhytheyoltenanswerguestlonswlthustone
syllable,ortheylorget tostartconversatlons.1hey re
scaredorlntlmldated,notmeanorstlngy.
1akeManush,lorexample, analmostrecluslvelab
technlclanwhowaslnallydatlngagalnmanyyearsalter
hls loverdled.Hethoughtthe maln goal olcommunlcatlon
wasto preventhlscurrentboylrlend, Carl,lromgettlng
upset.Manushtlptoedaroundhlm, lnlact, heoltenwalted
untllthey dbothhadoneortwodrlnksatnlghtbelore
talklngaboutdlHcultthlngs.
Outolpractice,concernedaboutlosingCarl,Manush
waslooklnglorthe rlghtway to communlcatelnstead
olrelaxlnganddrawlngonthelr connectlon. Hestlll
couldn tacceptthatCarlwouldn talwaysbehappywlth
whathesaldorwanted.Hehesltatedtohavethemore
adventuroussexthatCarlwantedbecause hedldn twantto
getthatwrongelther.
Altertwomonthsoltherapy, lnwhlchwetalkedabout
hlslearsolcommunlcatlng, hestartedcomlngoutto
Carl. An ! dllke here.A maybewecould there.Amlld
challengenowandthento Carl sassumptlonolbelng ln
charge. ConlrontingCarl sbelielthatheknewManush
betterthanheknewhlmsell.Hewasscaredatlrst, butthe
moreManushdldlt, themorehereallzedhowlmportantlt
wasto doandhownotdolngsoallalonghadactually
undermlned,notstrengthened, therelatlonshlp.
Atthatpolntltmadesensetotalkaboutthe
technlcalltlesolcommunlcatlon! statements (talklng
aboutyourexperlenceratherthanyourpartner ssupposed
lntentlons) , lalrlghtlng (staylngontoplc, notbrlnglngup
oldhurts) ,strlvlngto understandbelorestrlvlngtobe
understood (theopposlteolwhatmostpeoplelnconLlct
do) . Andthat swhenthingsreallygotinteresting.1he
occaslonalconLlctmeanttheyhadsexlessoltenbut
lnally, thesexbetweenthemcouldheatup.1heyboth
lovedlt. Muchto Carl sdellght, theystartedtoexperlment
wlthsextoysandgamesthatManushhadthoughtwere
onlylorotherpeople.Howpleased hewastobewrong
aboutthat'
Regardlessolthe toplc, the goalolcommunlcatlonlsn t
tosatlslyyourpartnerortogetyourpartnerollyourback,
lt stobemore presentandtohavemorepowertoshape
yourrelatlonshlpexperlences.
LiUVn_ \
!wlsh!couldsay, C mon,ustgrowup, tosomeolmy
patlentswhoaretrylnghardtosucceedlnourtherapybut
olcoursethisdoesn thelp (trieditasarookieshrink) ,and
ltlsn tgoodtherapy.\henwasthelasttlmeyousald,
C mon,ust grow up to someone andtheyactuallydld?
Stlll, there snosubstltutelorgrowlngupllyouwanta
betterrelatlonshlporwanttoenoysexmore. 1hat s
becauseolthecommontendencytousesexasasubstltute
lorgrappllngwlththelearsandanxletlesoladulthood.
\henyouveworkedoutthoselearsolbelng
unattractlve,lorexample,orlrrelevant,ornotsuHclently
manlylt seaslertohavesexthat sustaboutsex.!n
contrast,whensexlsaboutconcernsllkewhetherornot
you restillyouthlul, orlovable, orimportant, sex-along
wlthyourgenltallalsustcarrylngtoo mucholaburden.
xpectlngyourpenlstodetermlnewhetherornotyou re
stlllrelevant, orexpectlngorgasmtodlstractyoulromyour
learoldylng,lsustputtlngtoomuchpressureonsmall
plecesolLesh. lowonderpenlses andvulvassometlmes
relusetocooperate.
Partoldeallngwlththeseexlstentlallssueslscomlngto
peacewlthyourbodyasltls.1hlslnvolves lettlngyour
bodybewhatltlsdurlngsexandlmaglnlngthatyour
partneracceptslttoo. 1here snothlngsoollputtlngas
tellingone spartner, likeyourbody (orthisbodypart) ,
onlytobecontradlcted. lt stoolat,toosklnny, too
wrlnkled,thewrongshapeorcolor.loonewantsthelr
oplnlon lnvalldated,certalnlynotthelrposltlve oplnlon ol
thelrpartner sbody. !naddltlon,wrangllngoverthe
attractlvenessolabodyorbodypartcreatesdlstance
generallytheopposltestatethatpeoplehavelnmlndwhen
they reappreclatlngthelrpartner sbody.
Eelnggrown-upalsolnvolvesacceptlngthattragedles
are partollile.\henyoudo, itbecomeseasiertoputalost
erectlon lnperspectlveltlsnotatragedy.!nlact, llyou
learntolaughatwhatlllethrowsatyou, lt seaslertolaugh
atthevagarlesolsex,whlchmakeslteaslerloryouand
yourpartnertorelax.
!recallonepatlentwhocouldn tgrowup enoughto
lorglveherhusbandlorbelnghlmsella nlce guywho
wouldnevermakealortune.\heneverllse became
anxlousaboutmoneyorleltenvlousolwell-to-do people,
shewouldmakesnlderemarksabouthowshe dbellvlngln
amuchnlcerhousellonlyshehadmarrledherlrst
boylriend (who became acorporate lawyer) insteadol
duardo (whowasacarpenter) .
Perlodlcallydlstraughtaboutherlllecholces, llse
slmplycouldn tmalntalnsexualdeslrelorduardo. She
acknowledgedthathewasattractlveandagentle, patlent
loverbutthe grlelsheleltwhenshelooked athlmslmply
preventedherlrom appreclatlngordeslrlnghlm.
Inlortunately, therapycouldn thelphercometotermswlth
thellleshehadchosenlorhersellandlorherown
reasons, shewasunwllllngto changehercholce.
w8nI8nn_ C0Xu8l C0ll-LSI00m n
Ih0 8C0 Ul LS8UnIm0nI
!lyouknowyou resmart,yourlntelllgencelsn tonthellne
everytlmeyougotowork. !lyouknowyou reagood
mother,yourconldenceasaparentlsn tonthellneevery
tlmeyoumanageadlsagreementwlthyourklds.
\ouldn tltbenlcellyoucoulddecldethatyou re
sexuallycompetentandattractlve (atleasttoyourmate)?
1hatway,yoursexualadeguacyandsell-esteemwouldn t
beonthellneeverytlmeyouhavesex.1hewaysyourbody
respondsduringsexwouldn t mean anything,although
youmlghtleel dlsappolntedllyoudldn tgetwhatyou
hopedlor,yourattltude aboutyoursellwouldn tchange.
!lyouroplnlonolyoursellvarleswlththeoutcomeol
eachsexualencounter,you llcontlnuallybepressurlng
yourselltodo sex rlght (erectlon,lubrlcatlon,orgasm,
tlmlng,whatever)andthatmakesenoymentvery
dlHcult.!tmakeseachsexualencountertoo meanlnglul
asllth1lsthetlmeyoulndoutllyou re loved, or
attractlve, oradeguate.Andthatmakeseverysexual
encounteranopportunltyto lall.\ho canenoythat?
\hileit senoyabletoleelthatsexhascrsona!
meanlng,lt sbestwhentheoutcome olasexualencounter
determlnesnothlng. Olsappolntmentlsnotthesamethlngas
lallure. Olsappolntmentlsareasonableresponsetothe
dlllerencebetweenwhatyouwantandwhatyouget.
Fallurelsaglobaludgmentaboutwhoyouare, as
demonstratedbythedlllerencebetweenwhatyouwantand
whatyouget.
Anexample?1hemllllonsolwomenwholnslstthat
whenamandoesn tgeterect,oreaculatestoo gulckly, he
lsalallure.1hlsexpectatlonputs pressure on bothpartners,
whomayeventuallystartavoldlngsexlnordertoavold
embarrassmentandloss olsell-esteem.
JUl0i8In_ n8d0Qu8I0 FIIun0m0nI
Attunement lshow!descrlbetheexperlenceoltwo (or
more) peoplelnhabltlngacommonpsychologlcalspaceat
thesame tlme. Peoplerelertothlsvarlouslyas belngon
thesame page, thlnklngwlthonebraln, taklngthe
wordsrlghtoutolmymouth, readlngmymlnd, or
belnglnsynch.
Morepractically,peoplesaythingssuchas, \henwe
cooktogether,lt sllkewe re danclng lnthekltchen. Ona
goodday,wecangetallthreekldsup,dressed,led, andout
thedoorwlthoutsaylngawordtoeachother. Rlght
belore hostlng ablg party, we re llke awell-olledmachlne
gettlngeverythlngdonetogether.
\hetherthroughcoparentlng,playlngdoublestennls,
hostlngdlnnerpartles,attendlngthe SuperEowl,orplaylng
lnastrlngguartet, manypeopleyearnlorthe leellngol
attunementthesenseololnlngotherslnacommon
experlence. !tcanbeawonderlulhumanpleasure.
Anotherwaypeopleliketodothisisthroughsex,which
theymaydescrlbeas belngtouchedtheway! vealways
wantedto betouched, ourbodlestalklngto eachother
perlectly, or maklnglovellkewe veknowneachother
lorever.
Eutltdoesn talways unloldthatway, doeslt?!nlact,
lorsomepeople,sexneterleelsllkethlslromthe
momenttheystartklsslngorsomeone startsundresslng
them, lt sallelbowsand knees. Andtheyleelsogrlel-
strlcken orenraged about ltthattheycan tenoyanythlng
else sexhastooller.
Forotherpeople,sexworkslneuntllltdoesn tand
thenltreaB|doesn t. Ilkethelrcouslnsustdescrlbed, they
suddenlyleelhurtorlonely orabandoned,toa degree way
beyondwhataspecllcsltuatlon seems to merlt (a lost
erectlon,anaccldentalhalrpull, adlsagreementabout
who sgolngtogetontop,leellngtlckledlnsteadol
caressed) .
\henthathappens,sexlsthe leastolthelrproblems.
Oependlngonthelrcharacterstyle,theymaylashoutor
emotlonallycollapse. Suddenlythere sarelatlonshlp
problem (ordrama, asthelrpartnermaycomplaln) , some
couples, lnlact,alwaysseemtobestumbllnglromoneol
theseconLlctstothenext.
!t shardto beenthuslastlcaboutsexwhenyoudon t
knowhowto tolerate thedlsappolntmentollnsulllclent
attunement.ventually, suchpeople hesltatetolnltlateor
respondsexually.1helrpartnerlosesenthuslasmtoo. Slnce
noonegetsthatsenseolattunementlromsex (orlrom
anythlngelse) every slngletlme, Sexual!ntelllgenceglves
youtheabllltytotoleratenothavlngltwhenyouwantor
expectlt.
\hllethedeslrelorattunementdurlngsexcanbe
perlectlyhealthy,someadultsputwaytoomuchemphasls
onlt.Perhapstheyunconsclouslyyearntoexperlencethe
proloundattunementtheydldn tgetenougholasachlld.
Partlcularlylltheyleeltheydeservesuchattunement,orll
sexlsladenwlthmystlcalmeanlnglorthem,thelackol
attunementdurlngsexcanbeexcruclatlng.
Inlortunately,thelrpartnermaymakethlngsworseby
crltlclzlngsuchanlntenseresponsetoaprovocatlonthat
mayseemmlnor. 1heupsetpersonthenleelstheaddltlonal
palnolthelrpartnerapparentlytrlvlallzlngthelrdlstress.
Predlctably,peoplewhocan ttoleratealackol
attunementsoonrevealthlslntherapy. veryweek!deal
wlthpatlentsattemptlng, consclouslyornot, tomanlpulate,
whlne,bully, orseducethelrwaylnto asenseolattunement
wlthme. 1helrlondestwlshlsthatwlllacgulescetothls
lnvltatlon. !nstead,!generallycommentonthelrdeslre
whlcholtenleadsthemlnto aterrlblylamlllarsenseol
dlsappolntmentrlghtlnsesslon. 1hat swhenserlous
personalgrowthlsposslblelorthosewhohavethe
patlence anddetermlnatlontoexamlnethelrleellngsrather
thanlnslstthat!andothershavedone somethlngwrong.
loteveryonedoes, olcourse.Youcanseehowthlsklndol
sell-observatloncontrlbutesto Sexual!ntelllgencethe
ablll(to enoysexwhenthesltuatlonlsn tperlect.
!recallworklngwlthawomannamedMallkawho d
grown upl naprlvllegedhomel n!arachl,Paklstan.1here,
theservantsweretralnedtonotustat1[her, butto
ant1c1ateher materlaland emotlonalneeds. Ralsedto
expect thistreatment, sheneverlearnedhowto cope with
everydaylrustratlonwhllegrowlng up. 1hlswouldn thave
been suchaproblemllshe dstayedlnPaklstan,elther
llvlnglnherlather shouseormarrylngarlchman.Eutshe
dldnelthershewenttoCalllornlalorcollege, andstayed
therealterwards. Shethenmarrledan Amerlcana nlce
enoughenglneer, butamlddle-classguywhowasclueless
aboutwhathewasgettlnglnto.
Fouryearslater,shecamelortherapy,assurlngmethat
theproblemwasher unsophlstlcated husband,whowas
drlvlnghercrazywlth suburbanldeas. Shecouldn tleel
desirelorsucha pedestrianlellow, someonewho didn t
havestarslnhlseyes.
1helrstlewtlmesMallkaleltlrustratedwlthmeln
therapy shewasgulte vocal and snooty about lt. \orklng
wlthhertobulldarespectluladultrelatlonshlpwlthmewas
ablgandslowsteptowardbulldlnghertolerancelor
dlsappolntment,especlallywhereherhusbandwas
concerned. Shehadto learnto appreclatethesmall
satlslactlonslneverydayllle,andto acceptthatnotevery
momentlnherlllewouldbelllledwlth stars. Shewanted
chlldren,lorexample,butwasplannlngonthembelng
gll|ed, sell-dlsclpllned, perlectlybehaved,andtldy
vlrtuallyellortlesstoralse, olcourse.\asshelnlora
surprlse'
Howdoesthlsconnectwlthsex?\henMallkalearned
shecouldsurvlvelmperlectmomentsatlredhusband, a
brulsedbanana, arudewaltress,adoctorkeeplngher
waltlngdown-to-earthsexbecame easler. Intllourwork
together, shehad experlenced love-maklngasaserlesol
assaultsonherlvesensessuchasnotbelngtouched
perlectly,theroomnotbelngtheperlecttemperature, her
husbandnotbelngperlectlyshaved.Asourtherapy
proceeded,shestoppedconstantly crltlclzlngherpoor
husbandandstartedtonotlcewhatshe waenoylngabout
sex.
knewweweremakingprogressthedayacaralarm
wentolllntheparklnglot belowmy oHce wlndowandshe
wasableto contlnue thesesslon. 1hanklngmelormy
lnslghts (andpatlence' ) , she sald, ! supposell!cantalk
wlthyouwhllethat shappenlng, !canevenmakelovewlth
myhusbandwhentheworldlsn tperlect.
low that 'uslngyourSexual!ntelllgence.
Fnd CU . . .
motlonalsklllsarellkeoxygenlnvlslble,andunnotlced
unlessmlsslng. \etalkaboutemotlonalsklllsprlmarlly
whenthey relacklng.Euttheemotlonalsklllsoladulthood
are essentlallordeslrlngandcreatlngenoyablesex.1hese
skillsenableustorelatetosexualsituationsthataren t
ldeal,whlchmaybethemaorltyolourexperlences. And
theyenable ustodealwlthapartnerwho lnevltablymust
strugglewlthlmperlectsexualexperlencestoo.
Perlectbodles?Perlect lunctlon?1hey reworthvery
llttlelntherealworldoladultsexualexpresslon.Maturl(,
patlence, perspectlve,asenseolhumor?lowthat 'sexy.
Cu_/cI b1X
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OO_uSlHtDlS 1D D1S lOuCD. S O TtSu1l, OAS
DtDOv1OT OOtSD l CDOD_t tDOu_D 1OT 1T1DO lO DO/ICt.
Ctl/ID_ HOTt 1TuSlTOltO, 1T1DO 1tt1S tHOl1ODO1|
O1SlODl ODO HOTt CT1l1CO1.
AaIee!morean1ooand1net;heIee!ahamed
abootbe1nonab!eto!eaeh1armer.
7r1naetmorenotratedanddoen 't1teaman|
he!Io!coe.
Fee!inoterwhe!medb|herd1tancin, Aao!l
bacI.
7r1naIee!abandonedandoncaredIor.
!ortand conIoed, 7r1na etentoa!l|decide thatAa'
1nab1!it|tobeh|1ca!l|attonedw10her1h1 Iao!t "and
that1treecth1!acIoIcomm1tmenttoher. !e attemt to
tr|harder, " wh1chrare!|worI. SotheInowhe care
Iorher, thathe want to!eaeher, and0athe ' tr|n
hard. !er1nterretat1onthathe ' oncar1nhorth1m
ter|moch.!eo!t1mate!| decide thathe 'oter!|en1t1te
and1mo1b!e toat1[.
7he| don 'td1co the1rmotoa!adnemoch,
etentoa!l|decid1n 0atthe| hateaerob!em. "
Now/hc|'rcrca!l|!n/roob!c.
Sexualltylnvolvesbodles, eachbelonglngtoaseparate
person.!nthelastchapter,wetalkedabouthowsexual
partners(plcallyenoyhavlngthelrbodles attunedto each
other, andleeldisappointedwhentheyaren t. Sexual
!ntelllgencelnlormsusthat,lormostpeople,thls
attunementlsessentlallnorderlorsextoleellntlmate.
!nthlschapter,welookatthenutsandboltsol thls
attunement,bothhowtomaxlmlzeltandwhatcanlnterlere
wlthlt.
Jhi00-Lm0nSUn8l 8d8i 8nd Lui
CXIh C0nS0
Forbodlestobeattunedtoeachother,two thlngsmustbe
lnvolved.
a. Youknowhowtocontro!yourbody smovements
(proprloceptlon) .
b. Yousensehow|oorbod|rc!a/cstoltsenvlronment
whlchlncludesanotherbody (klnesthetlc
awareness) ._
1hesesklllslnvolvethelnternalabllltytosenseyour
ownbody. venbllndlolded,youknowllyourarmlsabove
yourheadorhanglngbyyourslde,wlthyoureyesclosed,
youcanprobablytouchyourlngertoyournose.1rylt,lt s
actuallyprettyamazlng. Sexual!ntelllgenceregulresbothol
theseskllls,soyoucanrelateyourbodytoyourpartner s
bodywlthoutmuchthoughtorellort.!t snotaboutsexual
lunctlon or dyslunctlon , lt sabouttheablll(oltwo
bodlestolndandrelatetoeachother.
Pror1oce/ionlsthesensorylnputandleedback
mechanlsmthattellsthebralnaboutbodyposltlonand
movementwlthoutregulrlng consclous thought. !ts
receptors are locatedwlthlnmuscles,olnts,andconnectlve
tlssues, aswellaslnsenseorgansandthelnnerear.Your
bralnrecelvesleedbackaboutyourbodyeverysecond.!t
processesthls lnlormatlon routlnely soltcancommand
yourbodypartstomove smoothly,keepyoubalanced, and
modulateyourvolce. Youknowthe lvesenses?
Proprloceptlonlsaslxthsense,your posltlonsense.
K1ne0et1cawarenelstheongolng,always-changlng
senseolwhereyourbodylslntlmeandspace. !tlsn t
enoughtocontrolyourbody smovementsyouhaveto
maketherlghtmovementstoaccompllshwhatyouwant.
Ooyouwantto getcloseto someone slace, oraccldentally
leanonthelrhalr?Ooyouwanttosmellsomeone schest,
oraccldentallybangyournoselntolt?!lnesthetlc
awarenesslsyourbody sthree-dlmenslonalradaragaln,
withoutconstantconsciousawareness.
Anactlvltyllkeskllngregulresbothsklllsworklng
together. proprloceptlonglvesyouthereLexlvesenseol
whatyourllmbsmustdotokeepyouuprlght. !lnesthetlc
awarenessletsyouknowwhereyourbodylslnrelatlonto
thesklsandtheslopesoyoucanadustyourangle, speed,
anddlrectlon.
Anotherexamplelseverydayspeech. !t sone (physlcal)
skllltoknowhowtocreateacertalnvolume, lt saseparate
(physlcal) skllltoknowhowyourvolceataglvenvolume
sounds,athlrdsklllcognltlve, notphyslcaldecldesll
yourvoiceisthecorrectvolume lorthesituation, then
we re back tothelrst sklll oladustlngthe volume solt s
thelevelyou realmlnglor.\henyou rel naromantlc llttle
caleandtheldlotatthenexttablelsyelllnglntohlscell
phone,youdon tknowllhe reallzes howloudlyhe s
talklng,or ustdoesn tcare,orperhapseventhlnkslt s
approprlate.acholthoselnvolvesadlllerentsklll (lorthe
ldlot).
Howdoesthlsrelatetosex?Here sanexample.
Proprloceptlonglvesyouthesenseolhowto moveyour
armstohugsomeone. !lnesthetlcawarenessletsyouknow
howlaryouneedtoreach,andwhatthestrengtholyour
hugneedstobesothatthereclplentgetsthehugyoulntend.
1henolcoursethere sthesoclalskllloludglngwhetheror
notthlspersonwantsahuglromyouyetathlrdpartol
thesltuatlon.
Vh0n nSInCIS LUn I QuI0 VUiK
Athletlctralners,ballerlnas, andchllddevelopmentexperts
lndthlstoplcendlesslylasclnatlng. Eutmostolususttake
thesetwounconscloussklllslorgranteduntllthere sa
problem. !nlact,delcltslnthesetwosklllscreatealotol
disruptioninsexualrelationships. Eutmostpeopledon t
thlnkabouttheselnstlncts,sotheydon treallzethat
dlHcultleswlthoneorboth could bethesourceola
problem.
Forexample,whenpeoplehaveproprloceptlve
dlHculty, theyhavetroublewlth.
!nstlnctlvelyknowlngwhatvarlouspartsolthebody
needtodo lnordertomove acertalnway
!nstlnctlvelyknowlnghowmuchpressurelsneeded
to,say, strokeanarmorsgueezeabreast
Slmllarly,whenpeoplehavedlHcultywlthklnesthetlc
awareness,theyhavetrouble.
Accuratelyestlmatlngwhatthelrbody smovements
leelllketo someone else
Accuratelyestlmatlnghowclosetheyaretoanother
person, the speedatwhlchthey reactuallymovlng
towardorawaylromthatperson,andtheextentto
whlch two movementsare slmllar ordlllerent
\emlght descrlbe problems llketheseasneuro-sexual
learnlngdlsabllltles. lotethatthlslscompletelydlllerent
lrom someone saylng, Pleasedon ttouchmethatway,
andtheotherpersonsaylng, Aw, c mon,there snothlng
wrongwlthmetouchlngyouthatway. Cetoverlt. Andol
coursepeoplelrustratedwlththeseproblemsdon ttyplcally
lmaglnethattheyhavesuchadlsablllty.
1othelrpartner, peoplewlththesedlsabllltlesappear
clumsyorsell-absorbedoruncarlng.1helrpartnersmayget
lmpatlentorresentlul, assumlngthatlltheotherperson
wouldustpaymoreattentlonandbemorecarlng,they
wouldn tkeep leanlngonthemthewrongway,accldentally
pulllngthelrhalr,orwhlsperlng tooloudlylnthelrear.
Eutustassomepeople seyesightorhearingisn tgreat
nomatterhowmuchthey payattentlon, soltlswlth
proprloceptlonandklnesthetlcawareness.
Here saslmplewaytocheckyoursellorapartner.\e
knowthatsomeonewholsalwaysasklngotherstospeak
louderoltenhasahearlngproblem, that salsotruella
personlsalwayscomplalnlngthatthelrpartnerspeakstoo
loudly. !lyourpartnersays ouchalotlnbed,orsexkeeps
gettlnglnterruptedbycomplalntsolbelngklcked, elbowed,
orblttentoo hard, oneoltheseneuro-sexualdlHcultles
mayberesponslble.!lso, bothyouandyourpartnerneedto
think about thesituationasaphysicalproblemratherthana
characterLawandapproachltasalearnlngdlsablllty.
Olcourse,somepeoplereallyaresell-centeredor
uncarlng.Eutthosewhogenulnelystrugglewlthalackol
lnstlnctaboutthelrownbodywhethertheyreallzethey re
struggllngornotshouldbeabletoexploreltlna
cooperatlveenvlronment.Peoplehavetotalkabouthowto
handle thlsdelclt,ust astheywouldwlthapartnerwho
hasapoormemory orsullerslromAOO.
Ontheonehand,asexualpartnerwlthahlghdegreeol
proprloceptlongenerallywlllseemtechnlcallyprolclent.
Andasexualpartnerwithahighdegreeolkinesthetic
awarenesswlll seemempathlcandsensltlve.1heldeal
lover, olcourse, hasplen(olbothskllls (andgreathalrand
plentyolmoney, butthat sanotherstory) .
\henmaklnglovewlthsomeonewhohas poor
proprloceptlon, however,youmlghtthlnk,!e ' ter|
com|, or, 5hedoen'tInowwhattodo1nbed\hen
maklnglovewlthsomeonewho hasreasonable
proprloceptlonbutlacksklnesthetlcawareness,youSexual
!ntelllgence I I 9mlghtgetthe lmpresslonthathe 'areat
ath!ete, bothedoen'tconnectw1thme,orhe 'reat1n
bed, botthere 'otometh1nm11n, orhe 'oreoo,
bothe ' too1nto!tedw1thh1me!/ !ngeneral,we crltlclze
sexualpartnerswholackoneortheotherolthese
instinctiveabilities, thinkingtheirbehaviorreLects
unacceptableemotlonalorcharactertraltsuncarlng,
sellsh, bossy,aggresslve,bltchy,crude.
1heworstcomblnatlon,olcourse,lswhenan
undersensltlveperson (A) getstogetherwlthan
oversensltlveperson (E) . 1hat swhenltseemsllkeAhas
two settlngslortouchtoohardandtoosoltwhlleE
needslorAtohavetwohundredsettlngslnbetweenthose
extremes, andwantsto betouchedatexactlyone (andonly
one) olthosetwohundredsettlngs. Slmllarly,one person
maybeableto dlstlngulshonlythe colorred,whllehlsor
herpartnercanseedozensolshadesolred, orange, plnk,
andgold.lowlmaglnethlscouplebelngclothesdeslgners
orollsetprlnters, occupatlonslnwhlchcolordlstlnctlons
are crltlcal.
Inlortunately,thewaythebralnprocessesandresponds
tothebody slnternalleedbackcanbedlsruptedbytrauma
orbadexperlences, pastorpresent. !nlact, anxletyltsell
(lncludlnganxletyaboutbelng clumsy) candlsruptyour
lnternalleedbackprocesslncludlngthecommonsell-
pressurelnsexoltrylngdesperatelytodocertalnthlngs._
1hlssoundsllkeaballplayerpressurlnghlmsellso
muchthathe hastroublecatchlngaball, doesn t lt?n
contrast,whenwesaythatanathleteperlormswellunder
pressure, wemeanthathecanhandlethatexternalpressure
wlthoutdlsruptlnghls processlng, leedback, andmotor
lunctlonlng. !notherwords, hedoesn trespondto eterna!
pressurebycreatlngdamaglng1nteIa!pressure. Some
peopleconsclouslyusetrlcksto dothls (suchas
vlsuallzatlonormemorycues) .Othersaremorenaturalatlt.
JUuChn_ L8n L0 LUmlC8I0d
1here sanotherphyslcalaspectolsexuallty.theaHnltylor
tooch1n. Some peopleust don tllketo betouchedthat
much,whlle others love lt. \eshouldn tbesurprlsedabout
thlsalterall,lt sunusualwhentwopeoplehavethesame
levelollnterestlnanythlng,whetherlt ssunsetsormac-
and-cheeseorCwynethPaltrowllms.
Aswltheverythlngelse, eacholusstartslllewlthour
ownunlguelevelollnterestlntouchlng.Euthowwe
respondto touchlnglsmorethanust amatterolpersonal
taste,somebablesareapparentlymoresensltlveto
stlmulatlonthanothers. 1hey hear, smell,leel,taste,and see
thlngsmorelntensely, whlch canbe terrlbly dlsconcertlng.
Suchbablesgulcklygetareputatlonlorbelngplckyabout
thewaythey reledorheld,andtheydon thandlechanges
lntheenvlronment (allghtturnedon, anolseoutslde, dad s
post-workoutsmell) thatwell.
Inderstandably,theydon tgratllythelrcaretakerswlth
lotsolsmlles andcoolng,whlchlstheworstbabyslnolall.
1heseextra-sensltlvebablesattemptto communlcateat
leastasmuchasotherbables, throughvocallzatlonsand
gestures,llkemotlonlngtobeplckedup orpolntlngata
deslredtoy.Eutthey re(plcallylesssuccesslulthanother
bablesbecausethey relnmoredlstress,havemorespecllc
demands,anddolewerattractlvethlngs. 1helrultlmate
deslrelesslntensestlmulatlon,please' lsolcourse
lmposslblelorthemto convey, dlHcultlorparentsto
conceptuallze,andhardloranyonetoaccommodate.
lowlast-lorwardthlrtyyears.
Someadultswhoareoverlysensltlvetostlmulatlonmay
expressltbyadlstaste lortouch, bodysmells, themolsture
olsex, andso on. 1heycanappeartobeantl-sex,ustas
theymayalsoappearto beantl-muslc, antl-lood,antl-
clothes, antl-shopplng,andantl-otherpeople slaughter.Eut
thatmaynotbetrue, ltmayslmplybethatthenormal
lntensltyolsex,llkethese otherthlngs,lstoooverwhelmlng
lorthemtohandlecomlortably.
SuchdlscomlortcanbebaHlngllyou resomeonewho
craves touch, enoyssexuallntlmacyandpleasure,andleels
deprlvedbyyourpartner sphyslcallyreservednature.And
llyou reconvlncedthatyourpartner sgulrklnesslsabout
youllyou retaklnghlsorherdlstastelortouchorsex
personallythatcanmakeproductlveconversatlonabout
thlsalmostlmposslble. Sexual!ntelllgenceremlndsusnot
totakeourpartner sprelerences,llmltatlons,orlunctlon
personally.!t soneolthemostlmportantwaystokeepsex
lreeolperlormanceanxlety._
Jh0 LmUIUn8l Cd0 Ul LUd_ SSu0S
Havlnglookedatourphyslcalegulpmentandltsvagarles,
let slookatsomeolthewaysyouneedtobeemotlonally
comlortablewlthyourbodyregardlngsex. Eecause even
wlththemostlnelydeveloped physlcallnstlncts,youneed
to copewlthawlderangeollssuesustto enoyaslmple
sexual encounter.
Sexual!ntelllgencerecognlzesthlsreallty, andlt
provldestoolslorgettlngcomlortablewlththe messlnessol
sexbothllterallyandlguratlvely.
C0X S w0SS_LI0i8ll_
Sexlslnevltablymolst,smelly,andsweaty,andolten
lnvolves bodlesthataren tperlectlyclean.!t usesvarlous
openlngs lneachbody, lncludlngthe mouth. Andlt
lnvolves,orlsnear, theexcretoryorgansthatprocessour
dallywasteproducts.veryten-year-oldknowshow
extremelygrossthewholeldeaseems. 1o enoysex, you
haveto lookatltentlrelydlllerently.
\hilemost people don tgooutoltheirwayto make
sexmesslerthannecessary, acouple canchoose toagree
thatsexlsaplacewherethenormalrulesoldecorumdon t
apply.Youandyourpartnercandecldethatwettlngthe
bed,droollng, gruntlng, andcrylngareacceptable, needlng
neltherapologynorexplanatlon.Maklngsexa no-
vlgllancezonecanmakeltaloteaslertorelaxandletyour
bodydowhatltwants,whlchlsaprettydependablewayto
lncreasepleasure, malntaln sell-esteem,andlacllltate
lntlmacy.low that 'Sexual!ntelllgence.
Peoplewhocan tstandamesslndsexchallenglng,
somethingto protectthemselveslrom.Fewpeoplewho
needthelrpartnertobesgueakyclean (andtobeclean
themselves,olcourse) belore consentlngto sexcanrelax
andenoyltlully.Andpeoplewhoexpecttoremalnclean
anddryallthewaythroughsexlndltverydlHcultto
enoy.1hat sbecausetheysee bodlesasasource ol
contamlnatlon, messlness, dlrt,andunrullness,ratherthana
sourceolpleasure. 1heyseethebodyasaproblemrather
thanasatoy.
Sowhenpatlentswhocomplalnaboutsexusewords
llkeme|, !o|, oh1n, droo!in, onc1ean, d1rt|, or
d1oran1.ed, assess thelrtolerancelor messes andbodles
lngeneral. !telltoo-neatpeoplethat! msympathetlcabout
howthey reprobablymaklngsexmoredlHcultthan
necessary.!lthelrpartnerlslntherapywlththem,!remlnd
thembothnottotakethe other sprelerencesandneedsas
personalcrltlclsmorsellshness. And!encouragethemto
takeamlnute belore theystartsexto relaxtogetherand
locusonthepartsoleachother sbodythattheyllke.
Vlsuallzlngpleasure,calmness,andconnectlondurlngsex
lsoltenhelplullorthepersonconcernedwlththemesslness
olsex. !suggestthatpeoplelearntolnterpretthemolsture
andmessolsexasanexpresslon ollntlmacyandsalety
rather thanchaosanddanger.
JiuSIn_ Uui LVn LUd_
Yourbodyleelshowltleels.Sometlmesltgetsexclted.
Somelimesildoesn l.Ooyoulruslilsudgmenl?
Ourbodleshavenomoralltyotherthanlmmedlate
sensatlon. Yourlngerdoesn tknowllyou reputtlngltlna
soclally clean partolyourpartner sbodyora dlr(
part,yourtonguedoesn tknowllyou rellcklnga normal
partolsomeonesbodyora klnkypart.
!lweudgeourphyslcalexperlencesthroughacultural
llterthlslssex, thlslsn t, thlsls clean, thlslsdlrty, thlsls
normal,thlslsslck, thlslsgaywedenythebodylts
unmedlated,unclvlllzed,raw lntelllgence andperceptlon.
\ealsokeepsexacontrolled, lelt-bralnactlvlty, whereas
Sexualnlelligence suggeslswe canmoreeasilyenoyilvia
therlghtbraln. Inlortunately,somepeoplehavetothlnk,
durlngsex,abouteachcaress, eachklss, eachmoment,
belore decldlngwhethertoenoyltandallowltto
contlnue,orto reectltastoo klnky,too amblguous, too
dlr(ornasty.
lotethatthls declslon lsdlllerentlromYes,!wantto
have sex, and!don tllkehowthatpartlcularactlvltyleels.
!nstead,thlsls !can tallowmyselltollkethlsbecauseol
what! vedecldedltmean.

Overtheyears! veseenmen
whowouldn tletthelrwlvesklssthelrnlpples because
lhal swhalgayguysareinlo , veseenwomenreluselo
glve thelr boylrlend ahandob because ! should usemy
vaglna lorthat, ! ve seen both menand women reecta
lrlendly,molstlngernearthelranalopenlngbecause
that swaytooklnky. lot lthurts, oreven ltwlllhurt,
but lt stooklnky.
!t sallttlellkelaclnganewloodwhlletravellng. Some
peopletrythe newloodandudgeltbasedonhowlttastes.
Othersaskwhatitisanddecidewhetherornottotryit
basedonhowltsounds. Oandellonbuds?Flowersare
madeto lookat,noteat. Alllgator?1hatcan tbegood.
Asguashslxleettall?1hat susttoocreepy. Youmlssa
lotolllle srlchnessthatway.
!lyou retrylngtokeepeverythlnglnlllelromLylng
outolcontrol,lt sveryhardtoenoyyourbody sanarchy
(unlessyouvedeclded thatsexlstheoneplacewherelt s
saletoletthlngsgo) . Olcourse, thelearolloslngcontrol
lsn talwaysaboutsexlormanypeople lt spartola
blggerunconsclousneurotlcproect.Sextheraplstsseealot
ol,um, controllreaks. 1hesepatientsol|entellushowtodo
thetherapy,howtorearrangethelurnlture,andwhywe
shouldchange the muslc lnthe waltlng room.1heyolten
wanttoargue aboutthe answerandthencomplalnthat
we rewastlng thelrtlme.
LUund8i0S
noyablesexregulresthatwelnvltethevlolatlonolour
personalboundarlesandacceptthatwe regolngto breach
someoneelse sboundarles. Olcourse, that spartolwhat
demandsandlacllltateslntlmacylnsex.
Mucholsexlnvolvesputtlngapartolyourbodylnslde
olsomeoneelse sbodyatongue, alnger,a penls, a
mouth,avagina,ananus. Forsome people, thisvoluntary,
temporaryvlolatlonolpersonal space lswhatsexlsall
about. Eutllyou renotcomlortablewlththls, thelrmest
erectlonormostluxurlantlubrlcatlonwon tbeworth much.
Areyouemotlonallypresentenoughandcomlortable
enoughtoprovldeuselulleedbacktoyourpartnerwhllethls
lshappenlng?!lnot, howcanheorsheposslblyknowwhat
yourexperlencelsllke? Somepeoplellke words, whlle
otherslikegestures.Stillothersimaginethatthepsycho-
erotlcluslonlssocompletethateachpartnerustlntultsthe
other sexperlence. (Soundsllke belng stonedback lnthe
slxtles.) Foragrown-uplnthetwen(-lrstcentury,actual
communlcatlonlsyourbestbet.
Eutsomepeopleareextremelylnhlbltedabout
expresslngthemselves.1heylmaglnethatthelrexperlence
shouldnotbeacknowledged,orthattheveryexpresslonol
ltlsunattractlveorlnapproprlate (whlchlsllkesaylng, !
wanttomakecompletesentences,but!trytodosowlthout
k and g becausethey resounlady-llke) .
Somepeoplehesitatetocommunicateduringsex
becausegenulneexpresslonrendersthemvulnerable,whlch
lsscary. 1hey rerlghtsomeone smorellkelytoknow
howyouleelwhenyouexpressyoursell. Asatheraplst, !
lnvestlgatewhatexactlymakesthlstroublesome. Ooes
experlenclngpleasurecontradlctsomeone ssell-lmageol
belngdemureorwholesome?Ooesleellngan|th1nsexual
conLlctwlthsomeone ssell-lmage?1here ssomethlng
mlsslnglromsexwlthoutactualcommunlcatlon.\hat
couldexplalnsuchlnhlbltlon?
Onethlngthatmakestheboundaryvlolatlonln
(consensual) sexmorecomlortablels belng conldentthatlt
wlllendwhensexendsthewayserlouscompetltlonln
weekendtennlslsokayllwe recertalnthatltwlllendalter
thematch.\e lob the ball up hlgh llouropponentlslaclng
lnto thesun, butalterthematchwedon ttossthelrcarkeys
lnto thebushes, outolreach.
!lpersonalboundarlesarenotrespectedoot1desex,
however,lt shardtochoosetolowerboundarles w1th1nsex.
!nlact,lltherelsn tahealthydlvlslonolpowerlna
relatlonshlp, sexmlghtbetheoneplacewheresomeone
glveshlm- orhersellpermlsslontosayno. Olcourse,
sometlmespeopledothlslndlrectly,vlahavlngaheadache,
plcklngalght,belngtoo tlred,ortaklngonextraproects.
Salvadore straumahadveryllttletodowlthsex.!n
ordertodivorcehimandmarrysomeoneelsedecadesago,
hlsex-wllelalselyaccusedhlmolassault,gotacourtorder
banlshlnghlmlromthelrklds llves, andthentookallthelr
money. Hewassogrlel-strlckenbythls, andexhausted
lromendlessroundsollawyers, soclalworkers, and
psychlatrlsts, thatheeventuallylosthlsob,too. He
wlthdrewlrompeoplelngeneral, andlromwomenln
partlcular.
1hreeyearsago hegotlnvolvedwlthllzabeth, an
obese, lonelywomantlredolllvlng alone. One thlngshe
wantedwas sex. Anotherwastouchlng. Salvadore, slxty-
two years oldatthe time, couldn tdelivermucholeither.
Sollzabethbroughtthemlnlorsextherapy, essentlally
tolxhlm. !nourlnltlalsesslons, Salvadorecouldbarely
lookatme. llzabethcomplalnedaboutalotolthlngs. hls
clotheswereoldanddldn tlt,heneededahalrcut, he
mumbled,hewassloppyaroundthehouse,andsoon.
1heseobservatlonswerealltrue,butllzabeth s
contlnualcrltlclsmremlndedSalvadoreolhlsex-wlle,who
hadcomplalnedloryearsabouthowlnepthewas. Ontopol
that,ustbelnglnarelatlonshlpremlndedSalvadoreol
belngmarrled,whlchltsellmadehlmterrlblyanxlous.
leverapersonoverlyinterestedintouchingor
sexuallty, Salvadorewasusttootraumatlzedtotrustand
relateto apartner, andhls physlcal expresslons olallectlon
andevenhlsphyslcalpresenceslmplycollapsedunderthe
emotlonal stress. Aswesoonuncovered,hehadeventually
copedwlthhlsex-wlle sthreatsandthe endless aggresslve
lntervlewsby pollce and soclalworkersbackthenby
dlssoclatlng.Hlsmlndustshutdownhlsconsclous
psychologlcallunctlon,dlsruptlngthenormalprocesslngol
outsldestlmull,dlstanclnghlsmlndlromexperlencesthat
weretoomuchlorhlspsychetohandle.
!ndeed,oneolthereasonshedldsopoorlywlthudges
andsoclalworkerswashlslnabllltytoadvocateonhlsown
behall,andhisdeleated, depressive bodylanguageandpoor
personalgroomlngsupportedhlsex-wlle sclalmthathe
wasunsultedlorparentlng.
Salvadorewasllterallytraumatlzed.!nlact,!dlagnosed
wlthhlmP1SOpost-traumatlc stressdlsorder. ven
thoughsexwasn tlnvolvedlntheorlglnolhlsP1SO,hls
condltlonwascreatlngsexualproblems.
Eecauseolhlspastmarltalnlghtmare, he lreguently
dlssoclatedwlthllzabeth, oltenwlthoutwarnlng. \henhe
dldleelanythlng,ltwastyplcallyrage.1hatwouldtrlgger
herrageshehadherownproblemswlthanger, and
workingonahigh-pressureassemblylineinadyslunctional
lactorydldn thelpthlngs. 1hey dlghtalot. Passlve
Salvadorewouldbecome MeanSalvadore. lelther
Salvadorecouldlunctlonlnarelatlonshlp orenoysex.
\hendlssoclated, olcourse, Salvadorecouldbarely
touch llzabethandcouldn tposslbly makelovewhlch
drovehercrazy. Sometlmes he drespondtoherbegglngor
bullylngandcaressherlnaperlunctoryway, oreven
acgulesce to passlvesex. Eutolcourseshewantedmuch,
muchmore.
h!sP75I hcrdcs!rc " rc!a/ionsh! /roob!c
Eelore Salvadore couldleelmore deslrelorsex or even
touch, therapywasgolngto beaboutwelcomlng
Salvadore sbodybacklntohlsllleandlnto thelr
relatlonshlp. Sotherewerealewthlngswewouldneedto
do lrst. Ourworkhadtolnclude.
!dentllylngSalvadoreasstruggllngwlthP1SO
Inderstandlngthemeanlngoldlssoclatlon andlts
lmpact
llzabeth srecognltlonthatSalvadorewasn t
reectlngherpersonally
Salvadore srecognltlonolwhatltwasllkelor
llzabethto bewlth someonewhosebodywas
mlsslnglromtherelatlonshlp
Helplng thembothseethatneltherolthemwasto
blame
Cettlnghlmtoacceptphyslcalpleasurelromnon-
physlcalactlvltles
Inderstandlngthatnomatterhowllzabeth seemed
atagivenmoment,shewasno/Salvadore sex-wile
llzabeth sneedtobackwayollandnotbecause
herappetltelorhlmwasbad
Structuredtouchlngexerclses
EothSalvadoreandllzabethlearnlngtorecognlze
thesymptomsolhlmdlsappearlngemotlonallyand
learnlnghowtostopsexllthathappened, andtotalk
aboutlt
Alteraboutadozenverypalnlul sesslons, Salvadore
sortolwokeuplromhlstrance. llzabeth snotperlect,
butshe snotmyex-wlle, lsshe?\eallagreedthatshe
wasn t. So !don thaveto protectmyselllromher? he
speculatedcautlously.
Forthelrsttlmelnthelrentlrerelatlonshlp, hetalked
aboutexperlencesolustturnlngoll,shuttlngdown, and
golnglnto suspended anlmatlonlnslde. Hesaldthepaln
thebetrayalbyhlswlle,the lossolhlschlldren,the
humlllatlngandlrlghtenlnglnterrogatlonsby cops and
shrlnkswassolntensethatltwasusteaslerto leel
nothlng,wantnothlng,benothlng.
1hlswasthemanwhomllzabethwlshedwouldleel
deslre, leelpleasure, leel lntlmacy,andleelconnectedwlth
hisbody.1hiswas, sadly, completely unrealistic lor
Salvadoreashewas. Euthewas motlvated tochange. So
we started small.\e restlll worklng onlt.
LX0i0nC0 8nd LUmUiI VIh
w8SIuiD8IUn
Acenturyago, Oscar\lldelamouslysald, 1oloveonesell
isthebeginningolalile-longromance.
Masturbatlonlstheultlmateexampleolthls. !n\estern
countrles, over90percentolmenandtwo-thlrdsolwomen
masturbateatsomepolnt.!n?009,varlousuropean
countrlesevenstartedencouraglngltasahealthyhablt.
Olcoursenoteveryoneleelsthesameaboutlt.\hen
mypatlentsdlscussltwlthme,!asklltheyenoylt.Many
lookatmellke! mcrazyOlcourse!enoylt, Ooc, why
elsedolt? Sheesh. Eut aslzablemlnorltydon tthey
masturbate, buttheyleelgull(, sellsh, orunlalthlul (to
spouseoreven Cod) , theyrushsotheywon tgetcaught,
theylietotheirmatesaboutit, ortheyleellrustratedwhen
theydon tcllmax.
1heexperlenceolmasturbatlonlsavltalpartolSexual
!ntelllgence.\hlleltlsn tnecessarylor people to
masturbate lnthepresentlnorder to enoypartner sex, lt
doeshelpllthey vedoneltatsomepolnt. Orlltheynever
have,lt slmportantthatgullt,lear,orshamelsn tthereason
why.
Years (ordecades) belore partnersex,masturbatlon
provldeslamlllarltywlthyourownbodyandwlththe
leellngsoldeslre, arousal, excltement, andsatlslactlon.
Perhapsmostlmportantly, ltdevelopsyoureoa!aenc|,
theknowledgethat.
Yoursexualltybelongs toyou.
Youcanexperlmentwlthltwlthoutknowlngexactly
whatwlllhappen.
Youcancreateexperlencesthatpleaseyou.
Focusingonyoursellsexuallydoesn tmakeyou
sellshorgreedy, lewdoroversexed,orlessthanor
dlllerentthanyou reallyare.
Contrastsexualagencywlththeldeathatmanychlldren
learnandoltencarrylorwardlntoadulthood.thatthedeslre
tomasturbatelsshamelulorpathologlcal, aslcklmpulse
thatmustbereslstedonethatwlllhurtthemlltheyglveln
tolt.
1here sonemorethlngaboutsexualagencyto
rememberyoucanmasturbateevenwhenyou relna
sexual relatlonshlpwlthsomeone. nIact,youcaneven
masturbatellyourpartnercomplalns aboutnotgettlng
enoughsexwlthyou. Olcourse,suchacomplalntshould
notbelgnored,butlnmy cllnlcalexperlence, masturbatlng
lessdoesn tusuallylncreasedeslrelorone spartner. 1hat s
llkesaylng, atlesslcecream,soyou lleatmore
broccoll. !trarelyworks, deprlvlngyourpartnerola
lavorltesexualoutlettyplcallydoesn tlncreaseherorhls
hungerloryou._
1henextloglcalstepolsexualagencylsopenly
touchlngyourselldor1nsexwlthapartner.How sthatlor
challenglngataboo?
! mnotawareolanystatlstlcsabouthowmanymenand
womendo thls, but!knowlt snot common. 1hat stoobad,
becausetherearesomanygoodreasonstodolt. Olcourse,
pleasurelsthelrstone.1here snothlngllkegettlng
touchedperlectlytherlghtspeed, pressure,angle,
locatlon.Andllyou rereallyexcltedsay, lromsexual
actlvltywlthyourpartnerthatmlghtbeustthe tlmeto
takeoverandgiveyoursellwhatyouwant. don tcall this
masturbatlon, becausemasturbatlonlswhatyoudowhen
you realone. !callthlstouchlng-yoursell-durlng-partner-
sex. 1hat smoreaccurate, ltsounds sexler, andlthelps
peopleovercomethelrlnhlbltlonsaboutlt.
Olcourse,thereareotherreasonstotouchyoursell
durlngpartnersex. Forexample,lt sthe bestwaytoshow
yourpartnerwhatyoullke. !lyou reawoman,yourmale
partnercan tknowusthowsensltlveyourclltorlsgets
whenyou rereallyexclted, orustwhatangleyouwanta
lngertoenteryourvaglna. !lyou reaman,you veknown
loryearsthatwomenneedinstructioninhowtightly (and
whenandwhere) tosgueezeyourballs.
1heoptlonoltouchlngyourselldurlngpartnersex
multlpllesyourposslbllltles. Fourhands, nottwo.Angles
andpressurenototherwlseavallable. Andltmeansyou re
notdependentonyourpartner sstamlnaorlnterest. Your
partnermayswearthatheorshewlllstayengagedalter
cllmaxlng, but, well, sometlmesthatoldpost-orgasm-
dlsengagementhormoneklcksln, andthenlt sreallygood
tolendyoursellahand.Andllyou resomeonewhoenoys
(orneeds)steadystlmulatlonloralongtlmelnorderto
climax, it sgreattogiveyourpartnerabreaknowandthen
(or, tothlnkaboutltdlllerently, lorhlmorhertoglveyoua
break) .
Flnally, touchlngyourselldurlngpartnersexencourages
yourpartnertodo thesame. !lyourpartnerhasneverdone
lt,orleelstoo shytoeventhlnkaboutlt,thlswlllchangehls
orherllle. !lyou realreadydolnglt, ! mguesslnglt
changedyours,rlght?
Jh0 LH Ul CI8_n_ li0S0nI
Somepeopledon treallzethattoenoysex,youhavetopay
attentlon.!tlsn tllke1V,whereyoucanust go on
automatlcpllotandletlthappen. \ell, ! suppose youcan
ustgoonautomatlcdurlngsexllyoudon tmlndhavlng
sexthat sllkewatchlng1V.
Manypeopledon tactuallyknowhowtopayattentlon
durlngsex.
t sasklll,llkelocuslngonhowsomethlngtastes
(lnsteadolreadlngortalklngonthephonewhlleyoueat
andmlsslngtheactualexperlenceolthe lood) , oronhow
enoyableamovlels (lnsteadollocuslngonyour
uncomlortable seat) , oronhowbeautllulthe ColdenCate
Erldge ls (lnsteadolgettlnglrate aboutthemlserable
traHc).
1herearemanycholcesolwhattoattendtodurlngsex.
Ilstenlnglorthepeoplenextdoor?\onderlngllyour
stomachlsgettlngblgger?1hlnklngmaybeyoushouldhave
showeredlrst?lotlclngthatthe drapes need dustlng?
lotlclngthatyourhusbandneedsdustlng?
Olcourse, there salwaysthepasttoattendto. whatlt
wasllkelasttlme,whatltwasllkethelrsttlme,whatltwas
llketwoyearsago,whataboutthattlmeyoularteddurlng
sexandyourboylrlendteasedyousomuchyouthought
you dnevergetoverit, whataboutthattimeyouthoughthe
wascheatlngonyouandyouhadsexwlthhlmanywaylor
weeksalterwards even thoughyou hated lt. . . .
As\llllamFaulkneroncewrote, 1hepastlsnever
dead.!t snotevenpast.
Andaswe veseenelsewhere, thelrownsexualresponse
lssomethlngthattoomanypeopleattendtodurlngsex. Am
!gettlngexcltedenough?xcltedenoughlastenough?
rectlonokay?Iubrlcatlonokay?Haveanorgasm?1lmelt
takestoorgasmokay?1hat salotto thlnkabout. Andlt
makesltharderto payattentlontohowthlngslook,taste,
smell,sound,andleel.\hlchlswheresexactuallyls
experlenced.
Forsome people, consclouslylnhabltlngthelrbodyls
scary.
Havlngaguletmlndlsscary.Paylngattentlonto the
lnputlromlngertlps, nose, andeyesleelstoo . . . too . . .
erona! 1ooprlvate. Sexwlththebody,sexwlththegulet
mlnd, paylngattentlondurlngsex,lorsome people ltust
leelstoolntlmate. Allyouhavelsyouandtheotherperson,
wlthnothlngtomedlateordllutetheexperlence.Andthen
worrlesaboutmaybemyballsaretoohalry or!hopethe
shoerepalrplacelsopenonSundayareawelcome
dlstractlon.
!lthatsoundsllkeyou,!encourageyoutostopthesex
whenyourealizeyou rehavingtroublebeingpresentyes,
rlghtlnthemlddlelookatyourpartner,andgentlysay
elther.
Honey, canweslowdownandstartagaln? or
Im, mnotreallyinthemoodlikethoughtwas.
Maybe letstry agalnanothertlme.
Addthesephrasestoyoursexualvocabulary, andusewhen
approprlate.
Focusyourattentlononhowyourbodyleelsdurlngsex.
nlact,youcouldpaintthatonyourbedroomceiling.
1heguestlonls,whenltcomestosex, lsthebodya
problemtobetolerated,outwltted,andthwarted,orlslta
resource, atoy,alocusolpleasure, aplaceollntegrlty?!l
lt sthelormer, ltwlllbehardtostaypresent, hardto
connectwlthyour partner (andhlsorherbody) ,andhardto
useyourbody toexpressposltlvesentlmentsorexplorethe
sell.
!llt sthe latter,allthlngsareposslble.Partoltheob ol
therapylshelplng people dlscoverwhlch experlence olthe
bodythey recloserto,decldewheretheywantto be, and
lgureouthowtogetthere.
1dI/ 1HIcc
H_1C3!1OHS 3Hd
F__1C3!1OHS
CL3_|ctbcIcD
L6IIH_ LO
LOS|3C|S |O 1|I|O_lH_ D|Xu3
1H||1ll_|HC|
Hncheterwaarett|n1ceo|n1end!|bow!er,
cooerat1tehoband, deendab!edent1t. No one1nh1!iIe
woo!ddecr1beh1matobboIecetme.
!e or11na!l|cametomebecaoehehad!otmochoI
h1eoa!de1reandh1erect1on were becom1n!eand
!ere!iab!e.!e!otedh1 w1/e andrea!l|wantedthe1r
re!at1onh1, ande!iIe, to worI !e decr1bedhera
rett ea|o1n, and1ntereted1ne.
! os/wan/sc/o bc/hc wa|!/ was, "hcsa!d!a!n!|.
1!ote(an1e, and1wantotohate anorma!e!iIe
aa1n. "Notonreaonab!e, 1thooht.
|1ncheterhadbeen bow!ina!moteter|Aonda|Ior
twent||ear, w1than1mre1te220aterae. Sotaw1th
a!lort, !on-term, h1h-er/ormancebow!inhadtaIen
1tto!lonh1bod|.!edete!oedbacIa1n1nh1!ate
th1r/ie, and1tneterwentawa|. earb||ear, 1totot
woreado!lthrobthatbecameahartab whenhe
toIedorbentthe wron wa|. A1thaened, the wron
wa|"1nclodedm11onar|o1t1on1ntercooreandet/in
onh1 Ineeto!eaoreh1 w1/e ora!l|.
7hat 'r1ht.ehort. A!moteter| /imeomet1mea
!itt!e, omet1mea!ot. 7hea1ndemandedthathe!im1tthe
os!/!ons!n wh!chhc had!n/crcoorsc orora!sc. So/
remember, |1ncheterwatobborn;oheIetmaI1n
!ote1nh1Iator1teo1t1on, w1thtand1n1ncrea1n!|
neqoenttaboIa1n. Etentoa!l he woo!d!oeh1
erect1on at thoet1me. Andetentoa!l|hebean toato1d
e.
!ed1dn'twanttoadm1t 01 to(an1e. |ed1coedh1
reIoa!tod1coth1 w1thherIorman|e1on, dor1n
wh1chhe acInow!ededthathe 'drobab!| be |mathet1c.
Sot1don'twantath "hecom!a1ned. 1wanttoet
on to oIheranddoher.L1Ieaman."
Aarcn/l "!sa!dqo!c/l |oocan '/hatc/ha/. oo
canhatea!otoIeoa!beaore1n|oor!iIe, bot
aarent!|notthatone. "
!e wadetatated 1canneterhateoodeaa1n"
e,|oocan, "1re!ied Sotnotthe wa||ooth1nI
1t 'ooedtobe. "Aoteo!e th1nI1t 'on!|women who
omet1meeer1encea1nIo!e. 7hat 'notaccorate.
|1ncheter, "1a1d, th11n'taerob!emomoch
aa1r1toa!ore1tent1a!one. On!|Iort|-Ioor|ear o!d,
|oo 're be1nconIrontedb||oorownmorta!it|. oo 're
be1nIorcedtore1ntent what1tmean to beaman. "
|!nches/erwoo!dbeIorced/o se//le"on!esshe
coo!dbecrea/iteandre1ntenteandh1me!/ 1t '
ometh1n we 'rea!lcha!lenedtodo ooneror!ater. 5ome
eo!e occeed, o0erIa1!;man|reIoeto tr w10draw1n
1ntob1tteIe, dere1on, oro!i1m. 1to!d |1ncheter1
wacerta1nhecoo!ddothe worIoIre1ntent1neand
maco!in1t|Iorh1me!/ !e wa, henna!l|conIeed,
n1htened. OIocceed1norIa1!in " !e wan 'tore.
1ttooImon0. !eworIed0rooh abonchoItoII
7owardtheendoIoorworI, heaIed1/hecoo!dbr1n
1nh1 w1/e.1wacor1ooaboother, oIcoore. 1'ma!wa|
cor1ooaboottheeron who!iteoIItae1n thedramaoI
|cho0era|w1thamarr1ederon. Sotth1wano /ime
Ior!ndo!!nm|cor!os!qa!as, thcrcnctcr!s.
|h| do|oo wanttobr1nher1n"
5o|oocane!a1n whatwe 'ted1coed, andhecan
ondertand0at1'mnototbe1nao|. "
oohate todothat, 1 a1d oodon'tneedme, and
|oohoo!dn 'thatemedo1t. "
|h|"
SecaoeartoIrow1no11t/inherdownand
te!hnhereact!| who|ooarer1htnow. 1t ' /imetoreach
oottoherandIor|ooto!ead0etwooI |oothroohth1n
co!laborat1te!|. oocan do1t. "
!t 'scas!cr1/ |oodo!t."
e,|oo 'rer1ht. Sotth11n 'tabootdo1n what '
ea1er. 5ome/imee1a teh1cleIorrow1no, wh1ch1
neter0e ea1etot1on. 1t 'oIten thebet, a!thoohnot
necear.J| 0eea1et. "
5oheto!dher. 7he|madeadeci1onnomore
m11onar|o1t1one. 7he|bothcr1edhe wa!o1n
ometh1ntoo. Sot1don 'twantethathort|oo, "he
a1d Andan|eoa!connect1onw1th|oo1 wa|better
thannoth1n. |a wa|better. "
Sexual!ntelllgencelsaboutlocuslngontherlghtthlngs
belore,durlng, andaltersex. EutpartolSexual!ntelllgence
lsalsoaboutknowlngwhattoletgool. Obvlously,locuslng
onthewrongthlngsmakesltharderto locusontherlght
thlngs.
So lel sacluallynamesomecommonlhingsonwhich
people locus,andexplalnthelmportanceollettlngthese
thlngs go. 1henlnthenextchapterswe can talkexpllcltly
aboutwhattolocusonlnstead, andhow.
L0n_ ` Uim8l
1hlslsaneasyplacetostart, becausewealreadytooka
longlookatthlslssueallthewaybacklnCha_ter?.
Sothlslsustaremlnder. mygoallsno/to reassureyou
that evenllyou redlllerent,you renormal. lo,my
agendalsmoreambltlous. !wantyouto lorgetaboutthe
guestlonolnormalltyaltogether.
!knowthat schallenglng, becauseltmeansclalmlng
yourownpowertoevaluateyoursexuality, ratherthan
gettlngthereassuranceolcomparlngyourselltoothers. So
howwouldlettlnggoolthlsldeaolsexualnormallty
changethlngs?Here soneway. !lyoucompletelyletgo ol
lt, wouldn tyouleelclosertoyourpartner?Mlghttherebe
somethingyou dbewillingto askordiscusswithhimor
heraboutsex?
! mbettlngthere ls. Andthathasto begoodloryour
sexllle.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
nI0iCUuiS0
Penls-vaglnalntercourselswhatmostpeoplecall real
sex.
!lyou reoldenoughto rememberlllebelorethe
!nternet,you llrecalltheblzarreMonlcaIewlnskyscandal,
whlchseemedtolastSexual!ntelllgenceallletlme.!t
cllmaxedwlthPresldentElll Cllntonswearlng, belore1V
camera,wile,and Cod, that didnothavesexualrelations
wlththatwoman.
!tturnedouthewasbelngllteralsexualrelatlons
haslongbeenaeuphemlsmlorpenls-vaglnalntercourse,
whlchheapparentlydldno/havewlth thatwoman.
Eutolcoursehedldotherthlngsthatmostpeoplethlnk
olassex.AndsopeopleaccusedCllntonollylng. Helater
apologlzedonnatlonaltelevlslonlordellberately
mlsleadlngpeopleunderllnlng, however, thathehadbeen
legallyaccurate.
Sowhassupwlthlntercourse?\hydo!dlssgolngall
theway,hldlngthe salaml,umplng someone sbones,
gettlnglald,lornlcatlng,bolnklng,laylngplpe,rldlngthe
lovemachlne, shtupplng,knocklngboots, burylng thebone,
golngtothedrlve-ln,dolngthehorlzontalmambo,eHng,
humplng,nalllng,hammerlng,poundlng,drllllng,porklng,
plowlng, shagglng,orscrewlng?
Okay, letuscounttheways. 1hedlsadvantagesol
lntercourselnclude.
!t stheonlyklndolsexthatregulresanerectlon.
!t stheonlyklndolsexthatregulresblrthcontrol.
!t snotanespeclallyellectlvewaylormostwomen
toorgasm.
tcanbepainlullorwomeninmiddleageand
beyond, andtherelorepalnlullorthelrpartners, too.
!t sanespeclallyeasywaytotransmltdlseases.
!tcanbehardto ltthebodypartstogetherwlthout
looklngatthem (especlally llyoudon ttalkmuch
aboutdolngso, eltherbeloreorwhlleyou retrylng) .
!tlsn tnecessarllylntlmate (sogultuslngtheword
1n/imac|to meaneor1ntercoore) .
!tgenerallydoesn tgetyouexcltedllyouaren t
alreadyexclted.
Euttheblgproblemlsn tactuallywlthlntercourseltsell.
!t swlthourre!at1onh1to lntercoursethebellelthatlt s
theonly realsex, theleellngthateverythlngelsels
loreplay (thesecond-ratestullbelorelntercourse) ,and
thebellelthatoncewegetexcltedwe needto goallthe
way lnorderto besuccesslulandsatlsled.1hls
constrictedviewlimitsourLexibility, andistheexact
opposlteolwhatmostpeoplesaytheywantlromsex
playlulness,spontanelty, ease.
\hllemucholthlswouldbetruenomatterwhatelse
wemlghtdecldels realsex, maklnglntercoursethe
lumberOneSpeclalSexualActlvltycreatestheextra
problemthat realsexalways carrles the rlsk olunwanted
conceptlon.
!lyoudon tassumethatallsexwlllendwlth
lntercourse,youcan.
Eeglnsexualactlvltywlthouthavlngtoworryabout
your lunctlon
noyerotlcactlvl(wlthoutthedlstractlonol
monltorlng wherelt sgolng
Focusontheactlvltlesyoullkeratherthanlocuslng
ongettlnglncreaslnglyexclted
So !propose thatyouIet!t Co.
F !0i8iCh_ Ul C0Xu8l FCIVI0S
Formostadults, culturalcompetencyaroundsexlncludesa
hlerarchy.everyoneknowsthatsomesexualactlvltlesare
somehow superiorormorelike real sex than others. lote
thatbelng more llkereal sex lsnotthesamethlngas
belng moreenoyable. Peoplemay dlsagree aboutwhlch
thlngsarebetterthanwhlch, butmostadultsdobelleveln
somesortolsexualhlerarchy.
OlllerentAmerlcanculturesandethnlcgroupsvalue
dlllerentaspectsolsexuallty,lncludlng,lorexample,
modesty, experlmentatlon,sell-control, reluslng
contraceptlon, multlple partners, belng paln-lree,lemale
submission,theactolseduction, andorgasmitsell.
levertheless,theconsensusln\esternculturelsthatthe
plnnacleoltheheterosexual hlerarchy lslntercourse. 1hls
means,dependlngonwhoyouask, thatlntercourselsthe
sexual actlvltythatlsthemost serlous, the most
dangerous,the mostenoyable, themostlntlmate,the most
godly, themost natural, orthemost normal.
MostAmerlcanswouldagreethatrlghtbelow
lntercourselsothergenltalsexwlthapartner (suchasoral
sex, analsex, andhandobs),lollowedbymasturbatlonand
non-genltal sex. !lsslnglsawlldcard, because lorsome
peopleit sboring, intrusive,oraturnoll,lor others, kissing
lsthehelghtollntlmacy. (Youcanhave lntercoursewhen
you reangry,butklss?eyew,gross' )
Commerclalsex, !nternetsex, phonesex, alternatlve
orklnky sex (S/M,lorexample) ,letlshes (leet,urlnatlon,
gloves,andsoon)eachoccuplesaspaceolltsown.For
practltloners, theseactlvltlesareveryhot,whlle
nonpractltlonersusuallyustscratchthelrheadsandsay,
Eutwhere stheelnlt?
So howdoesattentlonto thlslmaglnedhlerarchy
undermlneoursatlslactlon?
Eellevlng lnasexualhlerarchydevalues ourexperlence
people dlsmlsswhattheyvedone (orbeenollered) as
onlyloreplay or notrealsex. 1hehlerarchycanalso
makesexmore compllcatedllpartnersdlsagreeonthe
meanlngolacertalnactlvlty. (Forexample, lootmassage.
sexyandlntlmate,oranot-sexywasteoltlme?)
Ahlerarchylntroduces successandlallurelntosexual
declslon-maklngandexperlence, llyouudgeyoursexual
adventureaslnsuHclentlyhlghuponthe ladder, youmay
leelcheatedor sell-crltlcal. Slmllarly, ahlerarchy
lntroducestheldeaoldyslunctlon. llthere ssomethlng
youneedtodotobesexuallysuccesslul, thatcreatesthe
categoryolunabletodo thethlngtobesuccesslulle.,
dyslunctlon.
Oecidingthatit sintercourseatthepeakolthe
hlerarchy,olcourse, brlngsltsownspeclalproblems. the
posslbllltyolpregnancy, alongwlththeregulrementolan
erect penls andalubrlcatedvaglna. Overvalulnglntercourse
alsoencouragesusto overlocusonorgasm, andltdemeans
sell-touchwlthapartnerlnsteadolallowlngustoseeltas
oneolmanyegualerotlccholces.
Sexual!ntelllgencelnvolvesknowlngthatourlamlllar
sexual hlerarchylsustaculturalartllact, andthatwearen t
regulredtobeloyalto lt. Forexample,asShereHlte
documentedlortyyearsago, men sandwomen sstrongest
orgasmsaretypicallylrommasturbation,notpartnersex,
andlorwomen,mostorgasmsoccurlromclltoral
stlmulatlon,notlntercourse.venthoughthelrown
experlence atteststothlstruth, manypeoplelgnorethlsand
attempttodosexthemythlcal rlghtwayandget
lrustratedwlththeresults.
Slncethewholehlerarchylsarbltrary, weshouldn tbe
surprlsedwhenltchangesovertlme.1heculturalmeanlng
ol,say,cunnlllngushaschangeddramatlcallyoverthelast
onehundredyears. 1heexperlenceol loslngone svlrglnlty
lsoltengultedlllerentnowthanltwaslltyyears ago. And
the meaning, incidence, andplace inthe hierarchyolanal
sexhave changeddramatlcallylnusttwenty-lveyears.
Olcourse,slncethehlerarchylsbulltonarbltrarysoclal
norms,anyglvenactlvl(mayhavemoresymbollcvalue
thanpractlcalvaluelorsomeone. 1hatls,youmayleelyou
shouldenoysomethlngmorethanyoudo,oryoumay
choosetodosomethlngwhenyoudon tespeclallyenoylt.
(1hlsmaybeespeclallytruell,llkemanypeopletoday,
you rewatchlngmoreporn.) xamplesmlghtlncludeanal
play, tltlucklng, andlntercourseltsellactlvltlesvalued
bysomepeoplemorelorwhattheyrepresentthanlorthe
amountolpleasuretheyactuallyoller.
\hentwopeoplehavesex, lt shardenoughlorthemto
lndcommonlnterests, getthelrbodlestodowhatthey
wantthemto do, andlndthe time, energy, andprivacyto
do lt. Carlng toomuchabout whlch actlvltlesare rlght or
somehowacceptable makes sexand lllewaytoo
compllcated.\e remuchbetterolldlscoverlngwhatwe
llke,learnlnghowto create lt, andgettlng comlortablewlth
lnstructlngothersonourprelerences.\hlchklndolsexls
betterthanwhlchotherklndolsex?1hoseoldhlerarchles
areloraccountants, notlovers.
Sowhataboutoralsex?Ahandob?Phonesex?
Masturbatlngdurlngan!nternetchatsesslon?Colngtoa
strlpclub?Readlngaromancenovelandgettlngexclted?
Overtheyears vehadmanypatientsargueoverwhether
they dustbeencaughthavlng anallalr,ordolng
somethlngtheyclalmedwaslarlesslmportant. 1hat snot
sex, that styplng, saldonewomandelendlngherchat-
roomescapades. !tremlndedmeolwhat1rumanCapote
salddecadesagoabout ]ack!erouac sbookOn thePoad
1hat snot wrltlng, that styplng.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
l0ilUim8nC0 LDS0SSUnJh0
F_Un_ Ul 8lui0, Ih0 FnX0I_ Ul
CuCC0SS
Forsomepeople,notlalllnglsthebestthatsexevergets.
1hlslsespeclallytrueolmanyyoung people, belore
they veestabllshedthelrlnternalsenseolsexualldentl(
andadeguacy.
\ecanalldobetterthanthat.
ManymenandwomencomelntomyoHcewantlng
helpwlth thls, saylngthlngsllke. Myperlormancelsn tso
good, or, ! mabouttostartsleeplngwlththlsnewguy,
andgivenmyuglylastrelationship,wanttomakesuremy
perlormancedoesn tdlsappolnthlm.
\hyturnsexlntoaperlormance?!tdoesn tstartout
thatwaywemaIeltthatwaythroughourvlslon.!t s
slmllartotheway somepeopleturndrlnklnglntoa
perlormancetheybragaboutdrlnklngmorethaneveryone
else,orteaseothersaboutnotbelngabletoholdthelr
llguor. !recallapatlentwhobragged, ! coulddrlnkatable
underthetable, whlch!guesslsalot. Meanwhlle,other
people thlnkdrlnklnglsustdrlnklng.
!maglnellwedldthlswlth,say, eatlngbroccoll. \ow,
thatguycanputawaymorebroccolithananyone.Andnot
evenlart alterwards.\hataman' Or. Hey,Marycould
hardly downaslnglestalkolbroccolllastweek. !betshe
won tbeshowlngherlacearoundherelorawhlle'
Constantlymonltorlngyourperlormancenotonly
erodesyourenoymentolsex, ltalsomakesltharderto
perlormthewayyouwant to. 1hat sbecause, lnrealllle,
perlormance lsn tvoluntary,lt spartoltheautonomlc
nervoussystem,thebody suncontrollableresponseto
stlmull,bothlnternalandexternal. !lyou repaylng
attentlonto yourdeslretoperlorm(oryourterrorabout
lalllngtodo so) , lt sthatmuchhardertoleel,smell,touch,
andtastethebodyyou rewlth,ortoseethatpersonsmlle.
lotsurprlslngly,ourculture semphaslsonperlormance
hasmade erectlon drugs enormouslysuccesslul. Also not
surprlslngly,moreandmoreyoungmen w10ooterectlon
problemsareuslngthesedrugs. Overtheyears,! vehada
lewdozenpatlentsundertwenty-lvetellme, !t sustlor
lnsurance.!lthere sagoodchance! llbehooklngup,!take
lt.lobodyhastoknow,andthere snoharmdone.
\ell,lt snotasbadloryouasshootlngheroln,but!
actuallydothlnkthere sharmdone. Specllcally,young
guyswhotakeVlagra-(pedrugswhentheydon tneed
themnevergettolndouttheydon tneedthem. 1heydon t
getto buildtheirconldence, becausewhentheygetthe
adeguate erectlonstheydeslre,they credlt the drug. Some
guyssaythatthlsellectlslnlactwhat sbulldlngthelr
conldenceandthateventuallythey llstoptaklngthedrug,
but!haven tseenthatawholelotslncethe drugbecame
popularoveradecadeago.
1here salsothesecrecythatdevelopstheseguys
rarelytellthelrpartners they re uslng anerectlondrug, and
themore theyuseltthe blggerthesecretbecomes.And
whllethatlsn tasbadasshootlngherolnelther, ! venever
seenarelatlonshlpthatneededmoresecrets.
Somepsychologistssaythatpeopleattendtotheir
perlormanceasawayolmalntalnlngpsychologlcaldlstance
wlthapartner. Orthatthey resonarclsslstlcthatthelrreal
erotlcobectlsthelrownbodyandltsperlormance,rather
thanthelrpartner. Perhapsthat strue.\hetherpeople do
thlsto create the dlstance orslmply acceptthe dlstance that
results (ordon teven notlce lt) lsanopenguestlonbut
emotlonaldlstancelsrarelyagoodthlng.
!t slronlc. peoplelocusedonperlormancetyplcallysay,
!wanttoglvemypartneragoodtlme, or, !don twantto
dlsappolntmypartner. 1hentheyemotlonallywlthdraw
lromtheirpartnerto pursue theirown agendaolcreating a
sexual perlormancetheyleelproudol,ratherthanbelng
emotlonallypresent,whlchmostpeopleprelerlnapartner.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
` unCIUn 8nd `L_SlunCIUn
1oomanypeoplethlnkthatllyourpenlsorvulvadoes
trlckswhenandhowyouwant,you lunctlonrlght,and
thatllnot,youhavea dyslunctlon.
Mostpeoplestuckonthlsmodeldon tseemto
appreciatetheroleolemotioninlacilitatingorblocking
sexual lunctlon. \egeterectorwet(genltally, !mean) as
theresultolanlmpresslve chaln olevents.
Ourbralnpercelvesasexualmessage (lorsome, a
photoolErlstolPalln, lorothers,that stheendol
erectlonsloramonth) .
Ourbralnsendsamessagedownthesplnalcolumn
towardthepelvlcnerves.
1hepelvlcnervessendamessagetothesmallblood
vesselsradiatingoutlromthepelvis.
1hebloodvesselsrecelvethemessageandgetto
work. theydllate,allowlngmorebloodto Lowln.
1helncreasedbloodLowllllsthepenlsorclltorls,
maklnglthard,andtrlggersthewetnessthat
eventuallysweatsthroughthevaglnalwalllntothe
vaglna.
1Ow /Dc 1HO/1OO L1cO/cS OcAuO! 1OuSO!
C P | P
zEUBl zI| RUl | Q| C\UG, CB 55, ElC .)
z | P P L L L P P
1|BO5G| \5 PE55B_E. `ztyl `
c L V | l L V L z
|O5I|UCI5 l OOO VE55El 5
V P z L L P z Y z 1 cP
[l EO| O_ \O E|EC\| OO O|
lUO||CB\|LO)
!t saverycoolprocesswhenltworks.Eutobvlously, a
lotcangowrong. aproblemwlththelnlormatlontransler
betweenbralnandsplnal column, between splnal column
andpelvlcnerves, orbetweenpelvlcnervesandblood
vessels,thenonresponslvenessolthebloodvesselsonce
theydogetthemessage, orthedisruptionscreatedby
dlseasesllkedlabetes, hlghbloodpressure,arterlosclerosls,
andAlzhelmer s, aswellasbysplnalcordlnurles (lrom
sports, caraccldents,mllltarylnurles,andsoon) .
1here sanotherposslbleproblem. thesplnalcolumn
alsocarrlesouremotlons,whlcharebaslcallyslmple
electrlcallmpulses (!know, ahopelesslyromantlcpolntol
vlew) . lotethatthemessage Alertsexualexcltement,
preparelorpelvlchydraullcs' lscarrleddownthesame
plpeasthemessage ! don ttrustyou, mlster, or, You
stlllhaven tapologlzedto mymother, or, \hatthehell
am!dolnghere? 1heseemotlonsserveas nolse, whlchcan
preventacleansexualslgnallromgettlngallthewayto the
pelvlslromthebraln. 1heresult?lotenoughslgnalto
create vasocongestiondownthere, orto keep itLowing
alterltstarts. YouknowthatoldEulgarlansaylng.
lnadeguatevasocongestlon,lnadeguatelunctlon.
Sexualdyslunctlonl swhenthebraln-splnalcolumn
pelvlcnerves-vascularsystemlnlormatlontranslerdoesn t
worksmoothly.
Ahlghpercentageolpeoplewho cometoseemewlth
sexualdyslunctlonareexperlenclngemotlonalnolse
whllethey reexpectlngasexualmessagetogetthemor
keepthemaroused.1hat snotsexualdyslunctlon,that sthe
bodyworklnglne,ustcontrarytoltsowner swlshes.
1hinkolitthisway. ilyoueatatMcOonald sthree
tlmesaday loramonth, soonerorlateryou regolngtoget
aserlousstomach-ache.\henyougotothedoctorwlth
awlul cramps,the lrstguestlonwlll be. \hathaveyou
beeneatlng?\henyoutellthetruth(proudlyor
shamelaced) , thedoctorwlllsay, Oh, goodnewsyour
stomachworks lne. Yourstomachlsn tde1nedtodlgest
McOonald sloodsmoothlythreetlmesadayloramonth.
Soyourpalnlsaslgnthatyourstomachlsworklng
perlectly.lowgoawayandstarteatlngbroccoll.
!t sthesamethlngwlthyourpenlsorvulva.\hen
you remetaphorlcallyeatlngatMcOonald sthreetlmesa
daywhenyou relllledwlthalotolanger, sadness,
lonellness, conluslon,orshameyourbodylsn tsupposed
tobeabletogetandstayhot.1hlslstruewhetheryou re
awareolthoseleellngsornot, orwhetheryouadmltthem
toyoursellornot. !lyou remaklnglovewlthanewlrlend
andshesuddenlysays, Omlgod,!thlnk!hearmyhusband
comlngupthestalrs, you redelnltelygolngtoloseyour
erectlon.1hatlsn terectlledyslunctlonyou renot
ooedtobeabletokeepanerectlonlnsuchasltuatlon.
Atthatpolnt,yourbodyneedsthebloodlormorelmportant
thlngsllkepropelllngltselloutthewlndow.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
Jh0 00d lUi 8 l0il0CI LnViUnm0nI
lUi C0X
ConslderParls,averyspeclalplace.Anyonecanenoyltll
theyhave plentyolmoney, theweatherlsgreat,andthey
speak French. Slnce anyglventrlptoParlsmaylackone,
two,orallthreeolthese, however,thetrlcklstobeableto
enoyParlswlthoutthem.
Manypeoplearecapableolwantingandenoyingsex
undertheperlectcondltlons. therlghtpartner,twoperlectly
cleanbodles,completeprlvacy (!knewapatlentsoshy, she
wouldonlymakelovedurlngatotalecllpseolthesun,
whentherewouldn tbellghtanywherewlthlnathousand
mlles) ,notaslnglechoreto do (!hadapatlentoncewho
madeherkldspromlsetowashthedlshesanddothe
laundrylmmedlatelylltheyeverloundherdead) ,no
guarrelswlththelrmatelnatleastslxyears,andboth
partnershavlnggonetothegymandLossed thatveryday.
!notherwords,practlcallynever. Maybeevennever
agaln.
Adultsllvecompllcatedllves, andtherearenotlme-
outs. 1herelore,llwewanttoenoysex,wewlllalmost
alwaysdosounderless-than-ldeal condltlons. 1hatdoesn t
meanwedon thaveprelerencesandevenhave-tos,ol
coursewedo.
Forsomepeople,thelrhave-tolsbrushlngteeth,lor
others lt snothavlngsexdurlng thelrperlod, andlorstlll
otherssexcan thappenwhentheyhaveaslnusheadacheor
thelrbacklsout.! veknownpatlentswhocouldn thavesex
onanemptystomach, orwhllecountrymuslcwasplaylng,
orwlthapetlntheroom. ! vealsohadpatlentswholnslsted
onhavlngthelrpetlntheroomdurlngsex. ven
exhlbltlonlstsareaheterogeneousgroup.
Eutthinkolthisasanopt-inversusopt-outsituation.
Assumlngourbaslccondltlonsaremet,weneedtobe
leanlngtowardyesunlessthere saproblemratherthan
leanlngtowardnounlessalongllstolcondltlonslslllled
andalongllstoldeal-breakerslsabsent.!lyou reorlented
towardreasonsthatyoucan thavesexonaglvenoccaslon
ratherthanreasonsthatyoucan,youwlllbeneltlrom
enhanclngyour Sexual !ntelllgence.
Aspeclalnotelorparents. llyoucan tlearnhowto
enoysexwlthkldslnthehouse(presumablyasleep,
althoughlesssoastheygetolder) ,you redoomedto
eighteenormoreyearsolnosex(unless,olcourse,youcan
allordboardlng schoolloreltherthemoryou) .
Somepeoplearelnewlththls.Eutllyou llbe
contlnuallygrumbllngtoyourmateorresentlul olyour
klds,youshoulddeveloparepertolreolactlvltlesandvocal
levels. sex-wlth-klds-ln-house (sleeplng) ,sex-wlth-klds-ln-
house (awake) ,andsex-wlth-klds-not-ln-house. Forsome
people,there salsosex-wlth-spouse-not-ln-house, butthat s
adlllerentstoryentlrely.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
Jh0 00d lUi ` CUnI8n0I_ 8nd
UnCUmmunC8IUn
\hatadultdoesanh1nspontaneouslyanymore?
Ietmeputthatanotherway. mostolthespontaneltyln
adultllle comes lrom good plannlng, dellberate
malntenanceollnventory,andadependablesystemlor
dolngthlngs. Here arealewexamples.
Co1nb1Ie-r1d1n.\hetheryouplanaheadordolt
spur-ol-the-moment,youhavetoownablke, know
howto rlde, havetherlghtclotheslortheweather
(maybeyouevencheckweather.combeloreyou
dress) , putalrlnthetlres,llllyourwaterbottle [ou
dohaveone, rlght?) , andbrlngyourchalnandlock
(anddon tlorgetthekey) .\hew,! mhall-exhausted
ustthlnklngaboutlt.\ell, llyoudoallthls, then
youcanblkeanywhereyoullke, loraslongasyou
llke.!lyourclothesmatchtheweather,thatls.
Co1nona1cn1c.1heweekbelore, wedlvldeup
who sgolngtobrlnglood,drlnks, ablanket,a
Frlsbee, andmuslc.1henwecanpursuethesethlngs
lnanyorderwellkeorevensklpalew. Eutwecan t
domuchthatregulresegulpmentwedldn tbrlng.
AaI1nch1hIorIoor.Alteryourblkerldeorplcnlc,
youleelgenerousanddecldetolnvltepeopleoverlor
dlnner. C monoverthlssecond,yousay. Fortunately,
youhavealewessentlallngredlentslorthls
gatherlng.you vestored somemeatlnthelreezer,
youhaveamlcrowaveoventodelrostthlngs,you
cleanedupthekltchenlastnlght, andyouknowhow
tocook.Al|eryouvesharedhallabottleol
chardonnay,youcandecldewhenyou regolngto eat
andwhethervegetableswlllustrulnthemood.
F1na!lmaI1n!ote.\henyougetlntothebedroom
wlthastopollatthebathroomlrstyousetup
your temporary love-shack.Youtakeoutwhatever
suppllesareapproprlate. blrthcontrol,lubrlcant,
dlseaseprotectlon, toys,leatherandlace. Havlng
talkedabout lt, youknowthatshowerswon tbe
necessary.Andyouvedlscussedspanklng (notlor
you) ,sharlnglantaslesaboutco-workers (notloryour
partner) ,andtalklngnasty[oubothllkelt) . Havlng
donethls plannlng (lncludlng thatstoplnthe
bathroom) ,havlnghadakeyconversatlonortwo,
nowyoucanhave spontaneous sexyoucando
whatever actlvltlesyouboth deslre,lnany orderyou
llke.Youcanevensklp normal sexllyouwantto.
Youveheardthatlnsomecases lesslsmore?\ell,when
ltcomestosex, spontanelty regulresplannlng.
\hetheryou rethlrty,llty,orseventy, mostpeople
rememberthe spontanel( olsexlnthelrearlyyears.Eut
let stakeacloserlookatthesememorles.
Flrst, ltwasn tcompletelyspontaneoustyplcally, one
orbothpartleshadbeenthlnklngaboutltnlghtandday, one
orbothpartleshadbeenrehearslnghowtomakelthappen,
howtomake lteemspontaneous,andhowto dressust
rlghtlorlt(lorexample,looklngavallableenoughtokeepa
partnerlnterested,butnotsoavallableasto beconsldereda
slut) .Andlntermsolrepertolre,ourlrstsexlsrarely
spontaneous, asmanyolusaretrylngto ltlnto preexlstlng
categorles. arealman,awomanlnlove, atormented
romantlc soul, andsoon.
1hatsald,thereoltenwasaspontaneoussldetoour
earlysexualexperlences. manyolusweredrunkorstoned,
weoltendldn tthlnkmuchaboutthelmpllcatlons(Oo!call
thenextday?\hatdoesshethlnkthlsmeans?\lllwestlll
belrlends?) , andperhapswe dldveryllttleabout
contraceptlonordlseaseprotectlon. !nlact,llyoucoulddo
ltallover agaln, wouldyoudoyourearlysexual
experlences exactlythesame? Orwouldyouprepareablt
more,communlcateabltbetter,glvesomemorethoughtto
blrthcontrol?Howaboutabltmore llghtlnthe room? So
muchlorthe ldeal olspontanelty.
Andolcourse,thatearlyspontaneoussexoltenledto
acertaln amountolheartbreak. Heartbreaklsan
occupatlonalhazardolnewsexual experlencesand
relatlonshlps,olcourse, butsomeolthemcouldhavebeen
avoidedbyalewhonesl, nonsponlaneouswords. ve
neverdonethlsbelore, !haven tdonethlslnalong
tlme, !lwedo thls!wantltto meanwe reacouple, !
haveherpes, !usuallydon torgasmwlthanewperson,so
don ttakeltpersonally, !leelreallysell-consclousabout
myscar, Iet sagreethatthlslsprlvateandwewon ttell
anyone, okay?
Somewouldarguethatthesemlnl-conversatlons (whlch
rarelyIee! mlnl , whlchlswhywe hesltate tohavethem)
takethe romanceoutolsex. !thlnkthat sustlnewho
needssomespurlous romancewhenyoucanhaverealsex
inreallile?1here ssomuchmysleryinlegralloour
sexuallty,somuchromancelngettlngtoknowanewbody
andanewperson (orenoylnglamlllarthlngswe velearned
toexpect) ,thatwereallydon tneedto addmoreolelther
onebyhesltatlngto communlcate, plan,oracknowledge
whatwe redolng.
!bellevethatwhenpeoplesaytheywantsextobe
spontaneous, they rethlnklngoneormoreolthelollowlng.
!don twanttothlnkaboutwhat! mdolng.
!don twanttothlnkabouttheconseguencesolwhat
! mdolng.
!don twanttobethatclosetotheperson! mdolng
thlswlth.
! mconcernedthatlleltherolusthlnksaboutthls,
wewon tdolt.
! mconcernedthattalklngaboutwhatwe redolng
wlllmakeltlesslnterestlng.
! mconcernedthatll!thlnktoomuchaboutltmy
bodywon tlunctlon.
! msympathetlcaboutconcernsllkethese,althoughmy
responseto allolthemisthesame. don tpursueasexual
sltuatlonthatyou renotcomlortablewlth.1oomany
people,especlallyyoung people,treatsexual opportunltyas
llltwereHalley sCometllkeltcomes around sorarely
thatthey should grabltwhenthey can, evenllthatmeans
dolngltunderlessthanldealcondltlonsthatls,
spontaneously.
lo.Inlessyou relntheFrenchForelgnIeglon, sex
comes aroundagaln.
1helactls, spontaneous (read. nonthlnklng,
noncommunlcatlve) sexhastoomanydlsadvantages.
Youmayleellsolatedoralonewhllelt shappenlng.
Youmayleelthatyourperlormancelsthemalnthlng
youoller.
Yourpartnermayleelthatthelrperlormancelsthe
malnthlngtheyoller.
!toltenmeansnolubrlcant,contraceptlon,ordlsease
conslderatlon, andllmltedphyslcalcomlort.
Eutmostolall,youmlsssomeolthebestpartsol
sex. belngpresent,havlngapartnerwho spresent,
dlrectlngwhat shappenlng, belngconsclous.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
Jh0 d08 Jh8I C0X !8S nh0i0nI
w08nn_
Sexhasnolnherentmeanlng.\ecanmakelndlvldual
sexual experlences meanlnglul, andllwehave enough ol
them, wecansaythatsexlsmeanlnglulto us. Eutsexls
meanlnglessuntllandunlessweglveltmeanlng. 1hls glves
usalotolresponsibilityandalotolpower.
1hatsald,mostpeopleglvesextoomuchmeanlng, and
thewrongklndolmeanlng. 1henthey complaln thatsexls
toocompllcated.Andthey rerlghtwhenwemakesex
compllcated,lt s, um,compllcated. !tmakeseachsexual
encountertoo,um, meanlnglul. 1here stoo muchrldlngon
eachoccaslon,whlchcreatespressureandanxletythat
undermlne sex.
\hatarethetyplcalmeanlngsthatvarlouspeopleand
lnstltutlonsclalmsexhas?!perlodlcallyhearpeoplesay
thatthe meanlng ol,loundatlonol,ordlstlnctlveleatureol
humansexualityis.
!ntlmacy
Adlvlneglltto humans,whlchshouldbeexpressed
dlvlnely
Avalldatlonolourldentltlesasmenorwomen
Awaytostrengthenthe (holy, matrlmonlal)
relatlonshlp
1heultlmateexpresslonollove
1heultlmategllttosomeone
1hesourceolllle (vlaconceptlon)
\hatpeople dolltheyloveeachother
1helullillmentoldesire
1omakethlngsevenmore compllcated, lt salso
commonlorpeople to bellevethat.
Healthysexualdeslrelsdrlvenprlmarllybylove
Healthy,maturepeople aredrlventosexual
excluslvlty
!t sbadenoughthat people glvesexallthesemeanlngs
whlcharetoocompllcated, andoltencontraryto
experlence. (veryone shadsexthatwasnotatall
lntlmate, andmost couples havehadsexthatdldn t
nurturetherelatlonshlponeblt.) Eellevlngthatthese
leaturesareorshouldbeinherentinsexustmakeslhings
worsebecausewhenweexperlencesexthatdoesn t
reLectthese ldeals,weassumethere ssomethlngwrong
wlthusorourpartner.
Sowhat sthedlllerencebetweenbeLet1nthatsexhas
meanlngand1t1nltmeanlng?\hydoes ltmatter?
!lyou belleve thatsexhaslnherent meanlng, you
lnevltablywanttohavesexlnwaysthatarellkelyto dellver
thatmeanlng.!t sonemorewayolbelng loyalto sexual
standards outslde olyoursell, andlt saslarlrom
spontaneous and belngyoursell asposslble.Many
peoplebecomeconcernedthatthey renotlullllllngsome
dutyto honorsex (a commonldeaamongthosewho
belleve thatCodhasgllteduswlthoursexuall() .!t spart
olAmerlca sobsesslonwlthnotmaklnglove llke
anlmalsasllwedoltlnwaysthataresomehowsuperlor
toothercreatures.
!don tthlnkweshouldbeservlngsex,!thlnksex
shouldserveeacholus. achsexualencounterlsan
opportunltylorusto create sexanewlorourselves,touselt
torelreshandexploreourselveslnpersonallyrelevant
ways. !lwethlnkthatsexhaslnherentmeanlng, andthat
lt sourob tobothlndandconlormtothatmeanlng, we
won tbeableto seesexlreshly,wewon tbe motlvated to
percelveoractcounterlntultlvely, andwe llaccept
arbltrary,outsldellmltsonourerotlc actlvltles.!lyou
toleratesexbecomlngsmaller,youwlllbecomesmaller
alongwlthlt.
!lyouwanttoglvesexmeanlng,goahead. Atthesame
tlme, rememberthatyoucanenoythelreedomolplaylul,
amoral(notimmoral, amoraJ sex. As\oodyAllensays,
Sexwlthoutlovelsmeanlngless,butaslarasmeanlngless
experlencesgo, lt sprettydamngood.
Somesoclallnstltutlonspurporttotelluswhatsex
meansorwhatlt should embody. Mostorganlzed
rellglon, lorexample, lshlghlylnvolvedlncontrolllngand
Lm1t1npeople ssexualexpresslon.!nlact, Amerlcan
Chrlstlanltyhaslnstltutlonallzedltssexualnorms
polltlcally, lnabstlnence (sexeducatlon) tralnlng,
obscenltylaws,andpharmaclsts consclenceclauses. Ee
waryolthosewhoclalmtoknowwhatsex meansorwhat
its purpose istheywantto control youbyexplaining
howyoushouldadaptyoursexualexpresslonsolt srlght.
\lththe Sexual!ntelllgenceperspectlvethatsexhas
onlyemerentmeanlng, youcan experlence ahugerangeol
sexual leellngsandmeanlngs.\lthoutthlsperspectlve,
however,mucholthlsrangelseltherlnvlslble, or,worse,
repugnant,andbydelnltlonexcluded. !tbrlngstomlnd
lletzsche saphorlsm, 1hosewhodancedwerethought
lnsanebythosewho couldn thearthemuslc. Youand
yourpartnerhavethehumanprlvllegeolllstenlngtoyour
ownsexualmuslcanddanclngtoltlnyourownunlgue
way.
Flnally, some people arealraldthatllsexhaslnherent
meanlngandtheydon tsalutelt, theywon t behave
ethlcally.1hlslsacommonldeaolthoselnvolvedwlth
rellglonthat lt srellglon thatmakespeoplebehave
ethically,andthatlackolreligionwouldremovethisethical
regulator. 1hlslsaterrlblypesslmlstlcvlewolpeoplethat
theybehavewellonlybecausethey vebeenpromlseda
rewardaltertheydle, ortheyleargreatpunlshmentalter
theydle.
1hat showlve-year-oldsthlnkrewardand
punlshment. Asadults,wecandobetterthanthat.
So !proposethatyouIet!t Co.
CL3_|ct11_L|
`6V OCuS `6V P IOdCH
1|I|O_lH_ 1Ou! D|Xu3 1H||1ll_|HC|
1no warea!l|, rea!l|cheerIo!. !e wacheer/o!aboot
be1n!atetooornrtmee/in, cheer:!aboothat1na
rob!em thathecoo!dn'to!te, cheer/o!aboota|nm|
Iee (eten thooh 1t ' wa|tooh1h! ';,andcheerIo!aboot
how twootherthera1tcoo!dn'the!me,oma|be|oo
can 'te1ther. "
A!lth1 cheer/o!newaet/inonm|nerte,
eecia!l|oear!|1n 0eda| (1'm an1hteron), botoIa|,
1thooht, !etmeettoInowh1m beIore decid1n 0ata!l
th1 cheer/o!ne1artoIh1rob!em oohate to1te
eter|newat1entthebenentoIthedoobt.
theerIo!l|, I1norecitedh1tom. 1Ia!l1n!ote
tooea.J 1!t1e torecoewomen,andthen 1etoedand
1'mm1erab!e. "SotHheondertoodth1abooth1me!I
wh|Ieereeat1ntheebehat1or
1can '/s/o, "hccon/!nocd 1Iccdo!n!/,1wa/ch
m|e!/do1t, 1a 'I1no, don'tdo 1t, 'and1do 1tan|wa|.
Aa|be1'ma '!oteadd1ct.'"
7here wereetera! th1nIee1nI1notocI1nth1
Croundhogay-!t1erecorr1nattern A we d1coed
otert1me, hehadIa1!ed, aach1!d, torecoeh1mo0er
nomh1a!coho!icIather. !mm, oreco1n womenaan
ado!tm1htbeanonconciooattemttorect1[01
ch1!dhood Ia1!ore. "AnotherIactorwah1!owe!/-eteem
and/hcrcso!/!n!owccc/a/!ons;hcwoo!dcr!od!ca!l|
oIeaboota!wa| end1no w10 women1ntroob!e,
becaoewhoe!e woo!dbeattractedtoh1m
7heth1rdIactorthatIeth1m traedwah11ncred1b!|
romant1c t11onoIeoa!re!at1onh1. !e woo!dthrow
aroondere1on!t1e oo!mate, " theon!|oneIorme,"
thechem1tr| on1t1noor1r1t, "and oordet1n|to be
toether. "!an1non toconcet!t1e thee1aI1nIor
troob!e. |eetattachedto theldea oItheothereron
ratherthanee1ntheactualeron; weetattachedto 0e
conceptoIthere!at1onh11nteadoInot1cinooractoa!
rc!a/!onsh!experience.!/ 'soncoI/hc wa|sco!ccndo
ta|n1nare!at1onh1!onaIter1t 'becomedetroct1te.
F1na!l I1noneededeter| womanw1thwhomhe!et
toodeh1m the bet!oterhe 'deterhad. 7h11mo1b!e
oa!wahowheeth1me!/oIorIa1!ore, d1ao1ntment,
hom1hat1on, ande!/-!oath1n (1nthatred1ctab!eorder).
5omet1mehehadn 'trece1tedth1 cert1cat1on "beIore
rea!i.1n there!at1onh1 wadoomed,o1nt!e, or
actoa!l|detroc/ite; at thato1nthe 'ddoob!eh1eIIort to
ach1eteeoa!arota!aoonao1b!ethoIee1n
h1m1n 0ere!at1onh1. A th1n deter1orated, w1thaner,
mean word, orda| oIno contact, he 'dbecomemore
deerate toeth1acInow!edment.!eotcoo!dn't
hand!etheo1b1ht|thataIotoree-1r!/r1endm1htnot
a|hehadbeenthebet.
|h1!eI1noadm1ttedthatheneededtochaneomeoI
h11deaandhadn 'tbeenab!eto, hedrewthe!ineath1
t11onoIeandeoa!re!a/in. Oh no, "hea1d. ''1'm
not1t1nom|romant1c1deaabooteand!ote. And1
can 'taccetnotbe1nthebet.111te thoeo, 1hate
noth1n. No,|oocan 'teroademeon th1. "
5othere we were.h11deaabootewereaIe|
rob!em, andhe d1dn'twantto eam1ne them, moch!e
1te them o.!e1nt1nc/ite!|Iearedthat1t1noh1
romant1c, bet!oter"1dea woo!dchane eter|th1n. 1
sa!d1arccd!t!no/hcsc!dcasm!h/maIch!m!css
eaertoIa!l1n!ote, !eoreoIh1me!Imore1nboect1te,
eten!ere!ent!e!|cheer/o!. Andmoreado!t.
I1noneededamaortranIo1on oIe!/-d1ci!ine.
Emot1ona!l|hewaa!loterthe!ace, cheer/o!aboottoo
man|damnth1n (aLheweren'tconnectedto therea!it|
oI an|oI0em), andIee!inower!eabootract1ca!l|
eter|th1n.
1hadateacherwho oedtoa|thatoorat1entbehate
aLthe|don'tbe!iete whatthe|Inow. I1noknew that.
!c coo!dn '/rcscoch!smo/hcrnomh!sIa/hcrbacI
whenhewarow1n o.
7h1madeh1m wanttorecoeeter|need|ortocI
womanhemet.
Perce1t1nochre!at1onh1adee!|1nt1mate, and
1ntet1nener t1me, andmone|1n0em, woo!d
reo!t1nh1mIee!ind1ao1nted, notrated, and
e!Icr1t1ca!.
5o wh|d1dheabandona!ld1ci!ine whenIacedw1tha
rett|IaceSecaoehewa tr|1n toaddreanemot1ona!
dencitthathereIerrednottoadm1thehad!ewa o1n
eandromancetomed1cateometh1nthathadnoth1nto
do w1the.
Oteretera!month, we ta!Iedabootwhat1t woo!dbe
!t1c /o!tc oh!srocc/oIrcsco!n/hc womcn oI/hc
wor!d Atnrthed1dn 'ta!wa| taIe oorworIer1oo! bot
when weIetcom1nbacItoh1darI t11onoI
worth!eneandhame, hebean toee1t1mortance. 1
water|athet1cwhatbo|doen 'twanttoateh1
mother |hatbo|woo!dn'tIee!badabootIa1hntodoo
Andwhatbo|, "1a1d, !ooI1nath1m ter|, ter|ent!|,
whatbo| coo!do1b!|occeed1n that1toat1on"
5o1d1dn'tIa1! " heaIed, tear/o!l|. ooInow, he
rca!l|nccdcdhc!."
e, "1a1d, 1ondertandhed1d. Sotnobo|coo!d
hatedone1t. ootr1ed|oorhardet,1'more. "
|henh1emot1ona!wa!lna!l|cracIed, thetear
nna!l|came. Iecade oIhame, e!Ihatred, anddeerate
!one!ineoodedh1m. ''1'mt1red, ot1red, "hea1d tan
1!eaeret1don 'twanttohe! an|morewomenIora
wh1!e. "
1wantedto1teh1merm11onomoch. 1ntead, 1
a1d, I1no, H |oowanttoret,|oocandecide todothat.
oocanetendecide toend|oorrecoeroecta!toether. "
!t 'soIa|"hcasIcd
I1no,|oodon 'tneedtoaIme. 1Joort|oono
matterwhat|oo decide. "
1wanttoto, "hea1d. ''1'mto1n. 1'mdone. 1'm
done! " hea1da!motdenant!|.
1ttooIetera!monthIorh1m to come to term w1th the
1m!icat1onoIh1deci1on.!ea!o hadto wra oa
re!at1onh11nwh1chhewanoto1ntoetthe ta!idat1on
he wanted. 5o 1 otoaheadandIee!bad "he aIed.
e, "1m1!ed. oootIee! badaboot0e
re!at1onh1 not worI1n oot, aboot|ooraIIect1onnotbe1n
retoIed, aboot|ooreortnotbe1nareciated oo
don 'thatetodoan|th1naboot1t."
7h11bothterr1b!eandreat, "hea1d. Andhewa
r1ht.
Iet stalk aboutsomepracticalapproachesto developing
yourSexual!ntelllgence, suchascommunlcatlngbetter,
paylngcloserattentlon,andredelnlng sexy.
!nUV Uui LUndIUnS
\hatareyourcondltlonslorgoodsex?Ooyouknowhow
tocreatethem?Howoltendoyoumakelovewhenyou
don thavethecondltlonsyouneed?
!nhlsclasslc I 978bookAa!e5eoa!it|(nowavallable
as 7heNewAa!e5eoa!it, Or. Eernle Zllbergeld
dlscussedtheconceptolcondltlonslorgoodsex. Hesald
thateveryonehascondltlons,orregulrements,lorenoylng
sex.
!bellevethatcondltlonscanbedlvldedlntothree
categorles. those about yoursell, those aboutthe
envlronment, andthose aboutyourpartner.xamplesol
condltlonslnclude.
Aboot|oore!IYouneedtoleelclean.Youneedto
havenochorespendlng.
Aboottheent1ronment.Youneedprlvacy.Youneed
asol|lyllt,romantlcroom.
Aboot|oorartner.Youneedyourpartnerto say, !
loveyou. Youneedyourpartnertobedrop-dead
gorgeous.
Manycommoncondltlonsexpressculturalldeals. For
example, somepeoplecan tenoysexlltheybellevethat
theycanbeheard. 1hus,theycan tmake love athome
unlessthelrkldsaregone,theyalsohavetroublelnhotelsll
theybellevethewallsaretoothln. Otherpeoplecan tenoy
sexunlessthemanlnltlates,ormakesmoremoneythanthe
woman.
Somecondltlonsaremoreunusual. Somepeoplecan
onlyenoysexllthewomanlswearlnghlghheelsor
llngerle. Othersregulreabsolutesllenceorconstantchatter,
ortherlskolbelngseen. Otherwlse,sexlsborlngorscary.
\ecanallbeneltlromldentllylngandunderstandlng
whatweneedto enoysex. 1henwecanask ourselves. Oo
ourcondltlonsltourvalues? Oo ourcondltlonsattractthe
klndolpeople and experlences wewant? Orareour
conditionssonarrowthatsatislactionisalmostimpossible?
!lyoudeslreasenseoldanger,lorexample,youllbelne
aslongasyou rewlthapartnerwholsn thostlleorsell-
destructlve. Slmllarly, llyoucan ttakepleasurelnsex
unlesseveryslngleoneolyourchoreslscompleted,you
mayneverenoysexlnthlsllletlme.
Howdoyourcondltlonsmatchwlththoseolyour
partner?!lyouneedalotoltlmetoleelconnectedand
relaxedandyourpartnerlslmpulslveornoncommunlcatlve,
ltwlllbehardloryoubothto leelcomlortableatthesame
tlme. Slmllarly, llyoullkenastytalkbutyourpartner
enoyslotsolsol|wordsandgentlelooks,itmay be
dlHculttocreateanenvlronmentyoubothllke.
Coupleslnsuchsltuatlons,unlortunately,oltenargue
aboutwho lsrlghtandwhols unreasonable, uptlght, or
klnky. 1hlslsnotrealcommunlcatlon.
!nstead, peoplelnsuchsltuatlonsneedtosharethelr
dlsappolntment, anxlety, andsell-crltlclsm. !lacouple can
decldethatneltherpartner scondltlonsarewrong, theycan
beglnto strateglzeabouthowto makelovelnwaysthat
satlslythemboth. Forlnstance,theycantaketurnsgettlng
thelrcondltlons met. Ortheycanlnterpretthelrcondltlons
innewways. Forexample,ilprivacyisan issue, playing
muslcorwearlngabllndlolddurlngsexcanprovldeasense
olsexysecluslon.
Slmllarly,lnsteadolneedlngtobesgueakycleanbelore
maklnglove, atalkwlthyourpartnerabouthowheorshe
actuallyleelsaboutyourbodysmellsmaybehelplul. And
havlngyourpartnerstrokeyourgenltalswlthadamptowel
maysatlslyyourneedlor cleanllness lnawaythatenhances
thesexualmoodratherthandetractlnglromlt.
AlthoughSeamushadllvedlntheInlted Stateslorover
tenyears,to mehesoundedasllhe dwalkedlnollthe
movlesetolAne!a 'AheorA1chae!to!hn. Yes, he
smlled, !dohaveabltolabrogue, don tI?
Seamus smarriage,career,children, andhousewere
herelnCalllornla.Hlsparents,slsters,lrlends,andlavorlte
loodswerelnOublln.Hewastornlnhall,wantlngto be
loyaltobothhlsllves. Hewas,asmyYlddlshgrandmother
usedto say,trylngtodanceattwoweddlngswlthone
backslde (ltreallysoundsbetterllyousay tuchaslnstead
olbackslde) .
Hewasn thandllngtheconLlcttoowell.
Someyearshevlslted!relandthreeorlourtlmes,
lnevltablyargulngwlthhlswlle Catherlneaboutuslngthelr
moneytodo so. Ontheotherhand,wheneverhespentone
ollhekids schoolholidaysinCalilornia,hismolherwould
slgh, hlslatherwouldlrown, hlsslsterswouldcomplaln,
andhewouldleelawlul.
So Seamus,wlthoneeyeon!relandandoneeyeonhls
klds,becamelncreaslnglydlscontented. Catherlnetrledto
help, tonoavall.Hlskldswantedmoreolhlsattentlon.
1hatdldn thelp. Sodldshe.1hatreallydldn thelp. !nlact,
overtlmehebecamelessandlesslnterestedlnsex,whlch
waswhyshelnslstedheseeme.
Hetoldmeaboutleellng spllt,ultlmatelyresentlng
Catherlnelorpressurlng hlm.!suggestedltmlght be
easlertoresentsomeonelveleetawaythanpeople lve
thousandmllesaway. Maybe lt salsoeaslertoresent
Catherlnethantoleel hopeless andgullty, !addedgently.
Youdon tunderstand, hesald,shaklnghlshead.
She sgalnedsomewelghtslncehavlngtheklds.1he
houselsalwaysamessshesaysshe dratherdraworslng
wlththekldsthanbadgerthemto cleanupthelrroom. And
shehatestocook.Hallthetlmesheasksmeto plckup
somethlngontheway home, orwehave some welrd
comblnatlonolstull.
1hesethlngsaddup, hesalddeclslvely. \hocanbe
lnthemoodlorsexwheneverythlng soutolcontrol?
1hatmusthavebeenexactlyhowheleltoutol
control.
Andhishousegrowingup inreland? Ah, thatwasa
home, helalrlyglowed.
Andthatwashlsplctureolhowthlngsoughttolook
now. Mylather shouse, herecalledwlthalllt.
verythlng sorganlzed,everythlngrevolvesaroundhlm.
Supperwhenhecomeshome. uletwhenhereadsthe
paper. !lds answerwhenthey respokento. \llesaylng,
Yes,dear, whenhe sgrumpy.loconLlct,nowllesaylng,
\e don tcommunlcatellkeweusedto. `
And,headded, !certalnlycan tlmaglne mymum
complalnlng aboutnothavlngsexoltenenough'
lo, Catherinewasn tlikehismum, andSeamus s
Calllornlahousewasn tllkehlsdad s. !twasmessy, nolsy,
lullol llle. Andlthadawllewhorarelysald, Yes, dear,
evenwhenhewasgrumpy.
\hataboutwhentheyhadcourted? Shewasthemost
colorlulwoman! devermet, he recalled. !was
lasclnated.
Colorlul she stlllwas.Eutasshehadgrown, acgulrlng
theresponslbllltlesolalamllyandhome, shehadbecome
morelndependent.Her color comblnedwlthher
lndependencewasdlHcultlorSeamustohandle. Sowas
hishome. Sowashissplitheart.
Sexwaswherehecollapsed.1oleeldeslre these days,
heneededtoleelthateverythlngwasundercontrol. no
marltaldlllerences,nomessyhouse,nocomplalnlngklds,
nolnternalemotlonalconLlct. lowonderhewasn t
lnltlatlngsexanymore. Hlscondltlonsweretooexactlng,
andtheywerenevermet.
Heseemedtounderstandthlsldeawhenweexploredlt.
Eut!can tchange how!grewup, hesaldpragmatlcally.
Sowhatam!todo?
One thlngyoucanchange, !sald, lsyourrelatlonshlp
to!reland.
Youdon twantmetoglveltup,now,doyou?He
eyedmesusplclously.
lo, said. Eutilyou regoingtobeinternally
conLlctedaboutthlslorthenexttwo orlveortwen(
years,youneed tolgureouthowto havesexual deslre at
thesame tlme.
Alteramomentolsllence, thetallredheadspoke.
You resaylng!mlghtnotlxthlsCalllornla-!reland
problemlorawhlle, then? 1hlswasanewwayollooklng
atlt.Hehadbeenwaltlnglorthespllttomaglcallyresolve
sohecouldstarthlsllle. So!havetogetonwlththlngs
now, llkemaklnglovewlthmywlle?
Yes. Andwhlleyou reatlt, learntoappreclateher
bodyasitis,too.tisn tlikelytoreversecourseand
maglcallylooktenyearsyoungeranytlmesoon.
Helaughed. Iovetheoneyou rewlth, eh? Ooctor,
you dbeverypopularbacklnOublln, hesald. Okay,let s
talkaboutgettlnghotlormy Catherlne. Sowetalkedabout
renewlnghlsattractlontoher. seelngherascolorlul, not
Laky, asamotherwho nourlshedtheklds creatlvlty, notas
apoorhousekeeper, asaLeshywomanwhodeslredhlm
andwasenergetlc ln bed, notasanover-the-hlllmum.
And!toldhlmto llmlthlmselltodanclngatone
weddlngpernlght.
tworked. Al|eronlysixmore sessions, wesaidgood-
bye. Perlectlonwouldbegreat, hesaldwhenwe parted,
butlt sno longernecessary.noylngwhat!havelsdamn
lne, headdedwlthasmlle.
!nUV Uui LUd_ 8S I S
1herearenoperlectadultbodlesorlaces.Assupermodel
ClndyCrawlordusedtosay, ven!don twakeuplooklng
llkeClndyCrawlord.
Yourbodyls,what,aguarter-centuryold?More?A
hall-centuryold?Al|eralewyears,everythingonearthgets
allttle beat-up,evenourbodles. Andthlngsacgulrellttle
ldlosyncrasles. YourHonda slronttlressgueakonlywhen
turnlnglelt, notrlght.Yourblenderleaksat hlghspeeds but
notatlowspeeds. Sometlmeslt seaslerto moveyourchalr
thantoadusttheoverheadllght.
!lmostolthesexyouhadwhenyoungwaswhlleyou
weredrunkorstoned,you llbehavlngsexwlthanewbody
now. (Assumlngyou renotstlllhavlngsexonlywhen
drunkorstoned. Youmaynotlcethemuslchaschanged
slncethentoo.) !lyoudon thavegultethe stamlnaor
upper-bodystrengthyouhadtenyearsago,thatwillalso
allectyoursexualrepertolre. !nthlsregard, sexlsnot
sacredyourcardlovascularsystemthlnkslt sustanother
workout, llkeastatlonaryblke (wlthoutthe!lndleorlPod,
presumably).
!lyoubeganyoursexualcareerwlthmanypartnersand
nowyou rewlthonlyone, yourbodymayrespond
dlllerentlyregulrlngmorewarmlngup,lorexample. !la
lotolyourlnterestlnsexhasbeenaboutconguestandnow
you rewlthoneregularpartner, yourbodymay neednew
thlngs (posltlons, games, toys) togetsuHclentlyexclted.
Andilyouvebeenwatchingalotolpornorhavebecomea
regularvlbratoruser,thatmayallectyourbody sresponses
too.
!lyounowhavephyslcalpalnlncertalnposltlonsthat
dldn tbotheryoubelore,that ssomethlngtoadmltto
yoursellandadaptto (that swhythere sallthose
chandellerslorsaleoneEay) .\henlamlllaractlvltlesgo
lrombelngasourceolpleasuretoasourceolpaln,a
changelsneededalongwlththeemotlonalsklllstohandle
theloss. Somepeoplewholackthosesklllsattempttoavold
thenecessarychange.Oenlallsonewaypeopleendup ln
theemergencyroomwhetherlromchooslngsklslopes
theycannolongernegotlatesalely, orlromhavlngsexln
kamasutraposltlonsthatarenowlartoochallenglng.
Oenialisalsoonewaypeopledeveloplowdesiretoavoid
acknowledglngthephyslcalpalnolonce-lamlllarsexual
actlvltles.
!UV C0X FCIu8ll_ 00lS n Uui
LUd_
Iet stakethlsldeaasteplurtheranddlscusshowyour
bodyactuallyleelsduringsex.lothowyouassumeitleels,
notwhatyouthlnkaboutwhatyou redolng,buthowthlngs
actuallyleel.1hehumanbodybrlngsahugeamountol
sensoryegulpmenttoeverysexualeventmuchollt
unused,mlslnterpreted,orlgnored.
Formanyolus,attendlngtoouractualexperlence
durlngsexlsmorecompllcatedthanltsounds.1hat s
becausewhenwekeeprepeatlngacertalnactlonor
behavlor,we eventuallydo ltlromhabltratherthanlroma
consclousnessolbelngpresent.1hat sunderstandablell
youpaldcarelulattentloneverytlmeyoubrushedyourteeth
orbuttonedyourshirt,you dneverhavetimetoleavethe
house, muchless actuallydo anythlng.
!naddltlon,llyou reanxlous,youmaybesolocusedon
otherthlngsthatyoucan treallyleelhowsexleels.As
we vealreadydlscussed,durlngsexpeopleoltenlocuson
howtheylook, sound, orsmell,trylngtolunctloncorrectly,
trylngtolgnorephyslcaloremotlonalpaln, orontrylngto
lgureouthowthelr partnerlsleellng.!t sobvlously
dlHculttoleelthe dlllerentpartsolyourbody, andsubtle
changeslnstlmulatlon,whenyoualreadyhavesomuchon
yourmlnd.
Mostolusunderstandthlsprlnclplelnothersettlngs,
lorexample,llyou redolnganlmportantob lntervlewlna
restaurant,youllhardlynoticehowyourloodtastes.n
general, anxletyreducesourabllltyto experlencenovel
thlngsorto enoyourselves.
Here showthatdynamlccanworkdurlngsex.
!ldurlngsexyou relmaglnlngalantasylnorderto
getmoreexclted,you llmlsssomeoltheactual
sensoryexperlence.
!lyouhaveaudgmentaboutacertalnklndol
stlmulatlon(lellatlolslorwhores,nlpplesarelorgay
guys,lnger-ln-vaglnalslor lrlgld womenorlnept
men) ,yourpreudlcewlllpreventyoulromtrylnglt
or actually leellngltllyoudo.
!lyoudon tclearyourmlndbelorehavlngsex,stray
lncomlngthoughts (chores, work, nextweek s
schedule) cansettlethere,reduclngyourlocuson
yourexperlence.
Perhapsatthlspolntyou reasklngyoursell, \hy
should!havetopayattentlonllkethlsdurlngsex?!dldn t
havetodothatwhen!wasyounger.
Yes,thatma|betrue.Eutnowyou reolder,soperhaps
youwantaluller,rlcher(maybeevenelegant) experlence.
Andllyouveonlystartedhavlngsexsoberlnthelastyear
ortwo,yourabllltytopayattentlonhaslncreased
dramatlcally.Iearnlnghowto dothatproperlylsanart
lormthathasto be mastered,no one lsbornknowlng how
topayattentlondurlngsex,andour culturedlscourages
everyonelromlearnlnglt.
Perhapsyou vebeenwatchlngasporton1Vloryears.
Somepeoplewatchthesamewaythelrwhole llves, others
watchlnlncreaslnglycomplexwaysastheyunderstandthe
game more, overtlmebecomlnglmpatlentllconlronted
wlthslmpllstlc announcersoralackollnstantreplaysand
multlple cameras. \hllemanypeoplego to SuperEowl
partiestodrinkandtalk,othersliketostayhomeand
lntentlywatchthegame, andthey renot complalnlng about
havlng topayattentlonto getmoreenoymentlrom
watchlng. 1hey thlnk lt sanopportunltylorextra pleasure.
!t slnterestlngthatpeoplereslstpaylngattentlondurlng
sex. closlngthelreyesdurlngsex, too busycreatlngsexto
leellt, alraldoldlscoverlngsomethlnguncomlortableabout
themselves,leellngtoooverwhelmedorallenatedbythe
experlencetocuddlealterwardsle.,tocontlnuetheerotlc
encounteralterorgasm, leellngone sbodycloseto
another s.
naddition,digitaltechnologyanddeviceslikesmart
phonesnowencourageacontlnualspllttlngolattentlon
that snewandtroubllng.
Mostpeopleassumethatmultltasklnglsnotonly
lnnocent,butadvantageousandevennecessarytomanage
themodernworld. Researchshowsthatlorrepetltlvetasks
llke dresslngorwlplngakltchen counter, lt salnewayto
organlze ourselves.Formorecomplexactlvltles,however,
notonlylsmultltasklngnotlnnocent, lt sreallydetrlmental.
1helrstthlngsmultltasklngundermlnesare (I)creatlvlty
and (?) lntlmatehumanconnectlon.Oon tyouthlnksex
shouldinvolveatleastoneolthose? lso,multitaskingand
sexreallydon tmlx.
Amerlcanteenssendandrecelveover3,000text
messagesamonth,whlchlsoneeveryslxmlnutesthat
they renotasleeporlnschool.1heratelorkldsunder
twelvelsalmosthallasmanymessagespermonth. Adults
maysaythat scrazybutadultstextalmostthatmuch. My
patlents complalnabout spousestextlngatthe dlnner table,
thespousestyplcallyclalmtheycanllstenwhlletheytext.!
thlnkthatspeakstothegualltyolthelrllstenlng.
Manyyoungpeopleconslderltperlectlyacceptableto
answer thelr phone orbe1n tet1nlnthe mlddle olalace-
to-laceconversatlonwlthsomeone. !lyou renotprepared
tosaythatthlscustomlnterlereswlthhuman
connectedness, let sagreethatitchangesthemeaningol
human connectedness. Andthatcertalnlychangesour
lnternalexpectatlonsaboutlntlmacylncludlngsex.
!nthe I 970speoplehadto developanetlguetteabout
uslngA1Ms (lorexample,howclosetothepersonuslnglt
shouldthelrstpersonlnllnestand?) . Slmllarly, [oung)
peoplearerlghtnowdeveloplnganetlguette abouttextlng
altersex. Howlongalterwardsdoes apolltepersonwalt?
Howmanytextsareokay?Howmuchprlvacyshouldyour
sexpartnerglveyouwhlleyou retextlng?
!nevltably,we llsoonseeabuncholromantlccomedles
inwhichpeoplearetextingdor!nsex.lthe llmNc/worI
(I 976)were remadetoday,FayeOunawaywouldbe textlng
durlngsexand\llllam Holden wouldbeconlusedand
dlsmayed.1heywere, llyou recall, lromdlllerent
generatlons.
Anyway,youknowwhatAlbertlnstelnsaldabout
multltasklng. Anymanwhocandrlvesalelywhlleklsslng
aprettyglrllsslmplynotglvlngthe klsstheattentlonlt
deserves.
0d0Hnn_ ` C0X_
1here sanapocryphalstoryaboutOon]ose,themost
accompllshedbulllghterln Spaln.
AtthehelghtolOon]ose scareer, someournallsts
arrangeanlntervlewwlthhlm.\hentheyarrlveathls
spaclous homeoutsldeMadrld, theylndhlmlnthe kltchen
wearlngalrlllyapron,washlngdlshes.
!t sthemald sdayoll, heexplalns. ! mustabout
lnlshed.
1heournallstslookateachother, leellngawkward.
Yourhomelsbeautllul, theysay, andweappreclateyou
makingthetimeto seeus.Eutwe reconlused.Youareour
natlonalhero, courageous, skllllul,thesymbolol
mascullnltytoeverymanandwomanlnSpaln.Andhere
youarewearlngalrlllyplnkapron, somo|de!icado, mo|
Iemen1no.

Femlnlne?he responds, hlsdarkeyesLashlng.

Femlnlne?!amthesymbololmascullnl(toeveryman
andwomanlnSpaln. verythlng!dolsmanly.!l!weara
lrlllyplnkapron, ltlsmanlytodoso.
!lOon]osecoulddecldethls, socanyou. Youcan
decldewhatlsmanly,orwomanly,orsexyandyou dbe
sillytocral|adelnitionthatexcludesyou. twouldbelike
startlngaclubandwrltlngmembershlpruleslnawaythat
madeyoulnellglbletooln.
\hybellmltedto]ohn\ayneor!anye\est,Mae
\estor]esslca Alba, 5eandthet1qorAadAen (or
51!enceoItheLamb) , oran|lmage?\eallneedtocreate
ourownlmagesolwhat ssexy.Hereare alewexamplesol
whatyoucoulddecldelsmo|eIt1co, mo|ca!iente.
Rememberlngeac/l|howyourpartnerllkesherhalr
touched
Erlnglngaspeclalsnackto bed
!lsslngwltheyesopen
Erlnglnghlmsocksllhlsleetarecold
1akingoutthelubeasyou regettingintobed,
lnsteadolwaltlnguntllyou need lt
Centlywashlngher vulvabeloresex, or the eaculate
ollhlschestalterwards
Cllnglngtooverlynarrowdelnltlonsolldeasllkesexy,
womanly, goodsex, and goodlover lsaterrlble
mlstake,cllnglngtodelnltlonsthatexcludeyouasyouare
lsnotustamlstake,lt stheopposlteolSexual!ntelllgence,
arealobstacletosexualsatislaction.magineyou re
advertlslnganewcaroranewsneaker.\ouldyou
apologlzetoyouraudlencelortheproductnotbelng
perlect,orwouldyousay, 01lsthedelnltlonol
perlectlon?\ouldyousay, !hopeyouwantthls, or
wouldyousay, 1rustme, th1lswhatyouvebeenlooklng
lor?
Forpeoplewhosay, Eutsuch-and-suchhasbeenmy
lmage olsexlnessor mascullnl( all myllle, !can tchange
lt, !say, don tchangeltthenexpandlt. Oecldethat
sexy canlncludebothIadyCagaandyou,that
masculine isbothIeEron]amesandyou.Youcancreate
anycategoryyouwant,aslongasyoupersonally guallly.
!lthatsounds too arbltrary, you rehallrlght. !t1
arbltraryallthesecategorlesare. \hy ErltneySpearsone
year,IlndsayIohanthenext,andnownelther?!t salllads
whlchmeansthesecategorlesareustarbltrary
consensus,wlthno lntrlnslc value. !nthebedroom, the only
consensus necessary lsbetweenyouandyourpartner(s) .
Andthatstartswlthyou. Oecldeyou resexy, dammlt'
lameonegoodreasonthatyoureluse.
LUmmunC8In_ IU Li08I0 LuICUm0S
!nCha_ter5,wetalkedaboutthelmportanceolmaklng
communlcatlona techn1ca!sklllratherthan an emo/iona!
one.\esawthatwhen someonelsalraldoltheoutcomeol
communlcatlon (whetherthelrreasonmakessenseornot) ,
heorshenaturallyhesltatesto connectverbally.
Andwesawlnthelastchapterthatsomepeopleglvea
speclalmeanlngto notcommunlcatlngthatlt sromantlc,
orthatltallowssextobe spontaneous. lot
communlcatlnglnordertomake sexmoreromantlcor
spontaneousislikewalkingbarelootsoyoudon tscull
yourshoes. !t sllkekeeplngyour umbrella lnyourcarsolt
doesn tgetwetlntheraln.!t sllke,asmymotherwould
say, burnlngdownthehousetoroasttheplg.
lo,youcangetmorevaluelromcommunlcatlngthan
lromnotcommunlcatlng. Solet slookatthe
practlcal/technlcal slde olcommunlcatlon, startlngwltha
loodanalogy.
\hetheryoucookornot,youundoubtedlyknow
hundredsolwordslorlngredlents, kltchentools, andlood
preparatlon.Herearealewexamples.
1nred1ent.Splces,sauces,vegetables,olls, meats,
dalryproducts,gralns,sweeteners, stock
7oo!andobect.Pot,stralner, lrylngpan,
measurlngcup,bowl,knlle, peeler, cuttlngboard,
plate, relrigerator, oven,canopener
Act1on.Eoll, lry, saute, chop, pour,measure,whlsk,
mlnce,steam, mlx,toss, sllce, bake, stlr, nuke (lsn t
thateveryone swordlorwhatamlcrowaveoven
does?)
lowlmaglneacoupletrylngtocookameal (orevena
snack) togetherwlthoutuslngwordsllkethese.!twould
soundllkethls. Honey, pleasetakethe X, andYltlnaZ
loralewmlnutes.1hen. . . .
lomatterhowgoodthesepeopleareatcharades,
anythlngmorecompllcatedthanpourlngaglassolwater
wouldbelmposslble. Atbesteverythlngwouldtakeareally
longtlme. Andeachpersonwouldleelverylrustrated. Soa
commonvocabularylsessentlalwhenevertwopeoplewant
topursueaolntproect,lrombulldlngablrdhouseto
throwlng adlnnerpartyto cleanlngabathroomtosharlng
sex. 1hat swhyweneedwordslorbodyparts, erotlc
actlvltles,andoursubectlveexperlence. Honey,useyour
y knowtoy knowmyy know doesn tprovidemuch
guldance.
RecalltheElblestoryaboutthe1owerolEabel.\hen
Codwantedto stoptheconstructlonolagrandedllcethat
would reach allthewaytoheaven, Cod dldn tneed to take
awaypeople stools ormaterlals.Heust hadeach one
suddenlyspeak alanguage thatnoone else could
understand.1heproectscreechedtoahaltwlthlnmoments.
AsexualvocabularylspartolSexual!ntelllgence, and
lsabsolutely essentlallorenoyablesex. !lyourvocabulary
conslsts prlmarllyoldownthere and ltand y know, lt
willbehardto guideyourpartner,inlormyourpartner, or
sharewlthyourpartner. Andlt slarlessllkelythatyoull
gettheklndolsexualexperlencesyouwant.
So assumlngyou reconvlncedthattalklngaboutsex
wlthyourpartnerlsagreatldea, howshouldyougoabout
lt?
Iet sstartlnbed, perhapsdurlngsex.
DosandDon'tsforCommunicating
AboutSexinBed
Askyourpartnertodooneormorethlngsyouknow
(oryouthlnk)you dllke. (Sexually, !mean, thlslsn t
thetlmetoreguesthelplnstalllngantlvlrussoltware.)
1alkaboutwhatyouwantmorethan aboutwhatyou
don twant,lorexample, lnsteadolsaylng, 1hat s
toolast, say, ! dllkelt slower.
!lyousay, Oon tdo that, add, Oo thlslnstead.
Eelrlendlywhentalklngaboutsex (unlessyou re
abouttocllmaxlnwhlchcasedemandlng
somethlngandlorgettlngto say please seems
reasonable).
Inlesssomethlngdreadlulusthappened (acondom
broke,youdlscoveredyourpartner sbeenlaklng
orgasms) , savethe er1ooconversatlonloraltersex.
lothlngsays, ! mherewlthyoullkeeyecontact.
Iookatyourpartnerperlodlcallydurlngsex,
especlallywhentalklngorllstenlng.ven Oh Cod,
ohCod' deserveseyecontact,ustllke\alt,do
thatsoonbutnotyet.
Save Oon teverdothatagaln and Howmany
tlmes do!haveto tellyouloraltersexlsover
eltherlaterthatdayorlaterthatweek. Ormaybe
never.
1akeyourpartner shandandstrokeyoursell(leg,
halr,butt, nose,whatever) wlthltthewayyoullke.
\hisper likethis. nlact,whisperalot. t ssexy.
Oon ttalkabouthowalormerpartnerdldsomethlng
better. Oon ttalkabouthowsomeoneelselooks
betterorleelsbetter.Oon ttalkabouthowsomeone
else sbedneverhadcrackercrumbslnlt.
Oon task, \heredldyoulearnthat?or, \ho
taughtyoutodothat?
!lsomethlngleelsgood,sayso.
!lsomethlngleelsreallygood,saysomorethan
once.
Oon tever,ever,eversaythatsomethlngleelsgood
whenltdoesn t.
Oon task, \hythehelldldyoudothat?]ustsay,
lo thanks.
!lyourpartnersays, !loveyou, youdon thaveto
sayltrlghtback,youcansmlle, oryoucansay,
Hmm, good. Andneversay !loveyou llyou
don tmeanlt. Orllyoudon tplanonsaylngltagaln
wlthlnthlrtydays.
Sometlmesthebesttlmeandplaceto communlcate
aboutsexisoutsidethebedroom. Hereare someexamples
olthlngsto sayordlscusswhenyou renotlnthe mlddleol
sex.
TipsforCommunicatingAboutSexin
theKitchen(orWherever)
Askwhatsomewordorgestureorlacemeant.
Askwhatyourpartner llkes, orllheorshellkesa
certalnthlng.
Isetherlghtnameslorbodyparts.
Sltcloseenoughtotouchwhenyoutalk.1hentouch
whenyoutalk.
Olscuss anddecldeona sale wordanunusual
word (llke d1noaor) that,lleltherpersonsayslt
durlngsex,means Stoprlghtnow, and!reallymean
lt' Anddon tloolaroundwlththewordonceyou ve
agreedonlt.
Olscusspollcy. ]ustsoyouknow,! mnotgolngto
wantXlntheluture,sopleasedon taskmeaboutlt
ortrylt.
!lyouaren tsurewhatyourpartnermeantdurlngthe
mostrecentlovemaklng, ask. wasthat lo,notnow,
orlo,notever?
Conlrmyourcontraceptlve agreement(s)what,
when,how?Andhere ssomeadvlce. trylngharder
hasnoplacelnthlsconversatlon.Contraceptlonls
aboutwhatyoudo,notaboutwhatyoutryto do,or
trytoremembertodo,orthlnkyououghttodo.
Clarllyandresolveanydlsagreementsabout
loglstlcs. roomtemperature,alcoholdurlngsex,socks
lnbed, talklngnas(,locklngthedoor, andsoon.
Oescrlbeyourbody scurrentsltuatlon,whether
temporaryorpermanent. lowerbackpaln, dllllculty
sgueezlngyourhands, asthma.!lnecessary, remlnd
yourpartnerwhetheryou rerlght- orlelt-handed (an
lmportantlactorwhenarranglngthe bodles lorahand
ob) . Also mentlonwhereyou repartlcularlyLexlble
orstronglorexample, hlpsorarms (anlmportant
resource llsomeonesgettlngonthelrhandsand
knees) .
Oon tudgewhatyoudon tllke (Igh,that s
klnky/perverse/unromantlc) .! lyoudon twanttodo
somethlnglnbed,youdon tneed a goodreason. So
youdon thavetoustllyyourlackollnterestlnltby
crltlclzlngthe actlvl( orltssponsor.
IlkeAmazon.com,youcanlngulre. Slnceyoullke
X (sex-relatedact) ,!wonderllyou dllkeY (a
sllghtlyslmllarsex-relatedact) .
Hey,oneol lhesedayswhenwe reinbedlogelher,
doyoumaybewanttotryX?
Youshouldknowthatwhenwe renotgettlngalong
sowell,! malotlesslnterestedlnsex. Inless
you reoneoltheunusualpeoplelorwhomthetruth
ls, \henwe renotgettlng along, ! malotmore
lnterestedlnsex.
l youuse dillerentwordsorhavedillerentdosand
don ts, butyourconversatlons soundprettymuchllkethese,
that slneaslongasyou recommunlcatlngwlththegoals
olenhanclngclarltyandcloseness.!knowthatsometlmes
overlunchoradrlnk,alrlendtellsusapersonalstorywlth
toomanydetalls, andwe thlnk, Im,1M!that s1oo
Much!nlormatlon. Eutthere salmostnosuchthlnglnsex
aslongasthe communlcatlon lsdonewlththegoalsol
clarl(and closeness, andyou repaylngattentlontowhat
you redolng,morelnlormatlonlsalmostalways betterthan
lesslnlormatlon.
Alongwithpayingattentiontoyourconditions,your
experlences, andyourconcepts,communlcatlnglsoneol
thebestwaysollncreaslngyourSexual!ntelllgence.
CL3_|ct1Dc
LHDIdCH_IH6 H6VIdD6
1|3|O 3Hd _lH_ CO31l|H_|S
e!h wa thr1hedtoetrenant. Aaer1ooclob tenn1
!a|er, he waa!read|1nIantat1chae, oherdoctor
aoredherhe 'da1!0roohrenanc|. A weeI!aterhe
tartedtooIe. Anda1n we1ht. Andhate eter|one.
!erhoband, !ector, dot1/o!l|bacIedoIIthe1rreo!ar
echedo!e (ooa!l|aboottw1ceerweeI), te!hnh1me!/
1twaon!|temorar|andthatheobt1oo!|Ie!twretched
Se1de, hed1dn'teem!t1ehe 'dbemochIon to!a|w10
r1htnow.
ARer0reemonth, Ke!h'hormoneca!meddownand
hetoedoI1n. Aherbe!!|otroonder, heradoa!l|
eemed!t1ehero!de!I andreomedbe1nn1ceto
eter|oneecetherhoband 1nart1co!ar, hed1dn't
wanttohateew1thh1m. 5hed1dn 'teten wanttoI1h1m,
a|nh1 breath madehernaoeoo.
|n!t1csomco/hcrhosbands who /casc, cmbarrass, or
reectthe1rrenantw1te, !ectorwat1haIIect1onate,
reo!ar!|te!hnKe!hhowatbac/itehewaandhowhe
de1redher.
Aeanwh.Je, hewaet/inb1erandb1er, andhe
d1dn 't!t1e1toneb1t.
Atnrthehadtar1ooreaonIorherw1thdrawa!Irom
!ector, thenecoe, and1n the1rnrtb1b!owoaboot1t,
shc accoscdhcrhosbandoIbc!n!ns!nccrcabootnnd!n
herattract1te1nhercorrenttate. 5tonned, heto!dherhow
beaot1/o!he wa. oo 'reotdeeratetoet!a1daIter
a!l theemonth, "he co!ded |henhe den1edth1, he
otot anr1er. AIter weeI and weeI oIth1recorr1n
batt!e, he a1d, dor1nae1on, !e doen'trea!l|want
me,he 'ottr|1ntomaIemeIee!better. |e!l, 1canee
r1htthroohh1m, and1t 'notworI1n. 1'mnotan1d1ot1
Inow1!ooI!t1eadamnwha!e. "
Ke!hcla1medhecoo!d!itew1th!ectorbe1nhonet
andr_ect1nherwh.Jerenant, bothecoo!dn'ttand
whatshccrcc!tcdash!sd!shoncsq, obt!oos!|"
atron1.1nandman1o!at1nher.
!ectorwabaedandhort, andaItertr|1n toconnect
w1thherIormonth, he w1thdrew. 7he1toat1onwa!ooI1n
wore andwore.1a!ohadm|e|eon theca!endar.1not
e!eten weeIKe!hwoo!d1teb1rth, andthe1r!ite woo!d
rea!l|be toIedo1dedown. 7hatwoo!dbenot1metoot
themarr1ae bacItoether;1rea!l|wantedtodo1tnow,
accom!ih1namochao1b!e beIoreheate b1rth. 1n
ome wa|1hadatronerene oIorenc|than the|d1d,
neteraoodetoIorthera|.
!owcoo!d!etKe!h to cons!der theoss!b!!it|that
!ectorwate!hnthetroth, and0athewaactoa!l|
ere1nherownd1otaboothere!I? Ke!h, what1/
he ' te!hnthe troth" 1aIed. 7hen, "here!ied
anr.J e1therhedoen 'tcarehow1!ooIanore, wh1ch
ocI, orheneterrea!l|aworcaredaboothow1!ooIed
beIore, wh1chocI, or1'mmaI1n 01 who!e th1noand
1'mcra.|. 1don'tInowwh1ch1 wore. "
7henrttwowere com!ete!|Ia!e.
7ro! hewaroect1nhere!Ireect1onontoh1m.
For|earhehadbeenh1h!|1dent1edw1thherbod|not
omochher!ooI, bothermob1htraceIo!ne, andIe!ine
tr1mne. 5hehad!ot0eeandwaana1dhe 'dneter
c/ 0cm bacI. 5hc 'd/h!nIaboo/!/, Icc!sc!nshIor/h!nI!n
aboot1t, wonderH et/inrenanthadbeenochaood
1dea, andthentart0ec|cleaa1n.
One weeI, ootoI nowhere, heaIed, 11taIetohate
e wh.Je1'mrenant "1t toIedoothe wa a!oana1d
thathe 'd!oehereoa!it anotherth1nw1thwh1chhe
watron!|1den/ined.1aIedwhatherdoctorhada1d
Oh, hea1d1twaoIa bot1don 'tInowL 1be!ieteher.
5hedoen't!ooI!t1ehe 'eterhade, and!ectorand1
canet, we!l,|ooInow, we 'rebothI1ndoIa0!et1c.. . . "!e
!aohed, andhem1!edh|!|. 1t waweet.
No/on!|can|oohatc scnow, "!sa!d, |oocana!so
hate eaIter|oo1te b1rth."
Sot1hear1ttaIea|earortwobeIore coo!ehate
e aa1n, "hea1d. 1don't!t1e that.Andhow1!ector
o1ntomanae"
1aoredherthatH 1ttooIa|ear, 1ttooIa|ear; the|'d
benne. (1Ie!tth1 wa o!t1mate!|more1ntroct1te than
aor1nherthat1trobab!| woo!dn 'ttaIenear!|that
!on.) !ectormadeaIew oIe, a!lw1th 0ethemeoI1J
wa1tIor |oo."
Noton!|waKe!!i conceIedaboot!ectorbe1n
/oredo/oherbod|now;she wasconcered/ha/e!0er
herbod|woo!dbe ermanent!|d1ored"andhe 'dbe
toIedoIIIoreter, or0athe 'd!oe we1htandrea1nher
o!dbod|, bothe 'dthenbe toIedoIIb|the o!|1ctoreoI
herthatwoo!dooed!|beeared1ntoh1memor|.
oodon'tet1t, "the ooa!l|ca!mhobandnna!l|
a1doneda|. And1'mt1redoI 1t. "!ectorhard!|eter
ta!Iedthatwa|. ooeem tohatearob!emw1th|oor
!ooInow, and|ooeem tobeana1dthat1J th1nI|oo 're
o!|IortheretoIoor!ite. 7hat 'r1d1co!oo, "hea1d
oo1n1t|oocanred1cteact!|how1JIee!, bot|oo 're
wron.
1necear "he cont1noed, wecano w1thoote
theretoI|oorrenanc|. 7hatw1hbe !oo bot1can
manac!/. So/ wcarco!n/ohatc scaI/cr/hcbab|
come, and1tw1hbe otareata1toedtobe. Piht "
5hewa1ma1te. P1htP1ht "!etoIedtome1n
notrat1on.
1t 'netero1ntobe!t1e1twa, "henna!l|a1d1na
to1ceoIqo1etdeerat1on. oo '!lbe0eameeo o
oIcoore1Jetentoa!l|de1re|ooaa1n. 5o w1hother
women. Sot1'mro1nedIoreter. oo won 'twantme, 1'm
a!read|d1otedw1thm|e!I andnobod|bot!oer w1h
th1nI1'mattract1te. "
oo 'reabo!ote!|r1ht, "1to!dKe!h, to!ector'
sorr!sc. !/ 'snctcro!n/obc!t1c!/was. 7hcqocs/!on!s,
can|ootwomaIe1twonder/o!1nanewwa|Ke!h,|oo
eemtobe!iete|oorhoband'eoa!1nteret1n|oo1
rett|ha!low; w1th thatbe!ieI oIcoore|oo 'rean1oo
aboottheIotore. 1 |oo!iten, ma|be|ooU!eaIometh1n
aboot!ector. "
1ndeed, Ke!hhadnetertoedworr|n!onenooh
torea!i.e that!ectorde1redherIormorethanhererIect
bod|. Ke!!i, 1want|ooto1ma1nethatthere 'more0an
one wa|!ectorcande1re|ooandee|ooaattract1te,
morethanone wa|thateo!ecan connecteoa!l|. Once
|oodo /ha/, "!sa!d, eter|0!ne!se!sos/de/a!!s. |hen
|oo1n1tthat!ector1 terr1b!|1ne1b!e1nh1de1reIor
h1w1/e,|oo 'rea|1nmoreaboot|oor1ma1nat1onthan
abooth1.
Fortonate!|, "1cont1noed, !ectorw1hbr1nh1
1ma1nat1on andh1de1reIor|ooto|oormarr1aeno
matterhowIet1ca!ore!/-concioo|ooare. !1de1re
Ior|oo 1!t1erat1t|eten1/ |oo don'tbe!iete1n1t, 1t '
t1hrea! 1t woo!dbearea!wateto1n1tthat!ector
doen'tde1re|oowhenhedoe. "
oo 'reaI1nmetoboth1m anaw:!!ot, "Ke!ha1d
!ow!|. 1areed. 5hea1dhe wan'torehe coo!ddo that
otnow.
e, ma|be1t1n 'tometh1n|oowanttodonow. "
Kc!hno/!ccdm|rcnamc. oomaIc!/soond!t1ca
cho1ce, "hea1d
Aa1n1nodded. e, 1be!iete1ttartaadeci1onto
trot, and0en wenoreoothowtodo1t. "
Ke!hd1dn 'tqo1tearee, bothenot1cedthat1tcoo!d
1tehera wa| ootoIherd1!emma. 7hatwaoodenooh
Iormeont.J oornete1on, an|wa|.
Mostolus developourmodelolsexualltywhenwe have
thebodyolayoung, healthyperson. Most olusonlyhave
thatbodyloralewyears, andno onehasltmorethana
decadeortwo. Sollwewanttoenoysexwhenwedevelop
adlllerentbody,webetterhaveadlllerentmodelol
sexualltyavallable.
\lthoutthatvlslon,wewlllhavedlHcultysustalnlng
ourdeslre, aswewlllguestlonourattractlvenessandour
veryellglbllltylorsexlness. !lourpartnerlscloseto our
age,we llhaveahardtlmeseelnghlmorherasattractlveor
deslrabletoo.
Aglngandhealthlssueshavetremendousellectson
people ssexualexperlence.Mattersolconcernlnclude
medlcatlonsldeellects,sexdurlngpregnancyandalter
chlldblrth, sexual ellectsolcontraceptlon,reducedstamlna
orrangeolmotlon,menopause, chronlcpaln,andunwanted
changes lnthebody slunctlons, lncludlngdeslre,
lubrlcatlon,erectlon,andorgasm.
Islngthestandardsolwhatayoungperson sbodycan
dodurlngsex (stamlna,Lexlblllty, deslre, erectlon,
lubrlcatlon,orgasm,andsoon) ,manypeopleoverthlrty-
lvewlll lall atsexoverand over. Ratherthanenoylng
whatanolderbodyandanoldermlndcancreatedurlngsex,
toomanypeoplelocusoncomparlngwhotheyarewlth
whothey were. 1hlslsterrlblydlstractlng,whetherwellke
thecomparlsonornot.
1oenhancesexualsatlslactlonpastagethlrty-lve,you
needto cometotermswlththlsnewcontextlorsex.Alter
all, goodsexloryouwillneveragainlook likeit s
supposedtollthatregulrestwoyoung,healthybodles.
speclallyllyou (oryourpartner)haveoneormore
commonhealth challenges, youneedtoleelempoweredto
redelne sexy to lnclude someoneyourselllna
physlcalstatethatsocletyspecllcallydelnesas one.
Onlythen can youtake advantage ollactsand
technlgues thatcanmakesexmoreenoyable. Otherwlse,
lt sllketaklngplanolessonswhllellstenlngtoanlPod.
venthebestteachlnglntheworldwon tgetthrough.
Aswe vealreadyseen, lt slmportanttoestabllshyourown
ldlosyncratlc modelolsexualltyenoylngwhatyou
choosetoputln, andgrlevlngwhatyouvelostand
therelorecan tputln. 1here ssomuch (laux) cheerlulness
lnthemedlaaboutsuccesslul aglng and lllelongsexual
vitality thatthinkmany people underestimatethe
emotlonal dlHcultles. !t sllkeatravelbrochurelorCuba
thatleaturesthebeautllulbeaches,thegreatmuslc, andthe
gorgeouswomen butdoesn tmentlon the grlndlng poverty.
LUmmUn !08lIh liUDl0mS VIh
C0Xu8l m8CIS
Youllrecallourdlscusslonolerogenouszones howlt s
alimitedconcept, andhowtheentirebodycanbethesiteoI
sexual leellngs.
!bellevetheconceptolsexuallunctlonand
dyslunctlonlsslmllarlyllmlted,becauseltmakesan
artllclaldlstlnctlonbetweenbodllyreactlonsthataresexual
andthosethataren t.Abllndlngmlgralnethatturnsa
romantlcweekendlnto alonelynlghtmarelsustasmucha
sexual problemasanunrellableerectlonoraburnlng
leellnglnyourvaglna.
Sobelorewegetintosomespecilicsabouthealthand
aglngchallenges, let snotesomeolthe non-sexual health
problemsthatol|enhavesexualconseguences.
L 1nomn1a
L I1abetes
L Arthr1t1
L thron1cIat1oedrome
L !1brom|a!1a
L Athma
A1ra1ne
L !erten1on
L Ieenerat1ted1I d1eae
L eatandor1nar|1nIect1on
L Loo
L 1rr1tab!ebowe!drome
L Aerer'drome
L Obe1t|
L !ormoned1order
11DD1luS
LO1]O1 luDDt1 SO1OHt
1t]1tSS1OD
1tHtDl1O
OCIOl1CO
1_OlDO1O1SH
O_O_1tDS SDO1OHt
. . . dHU dHjIHIH_ CSC IHdI HdKCS II HdIU OI [CO[C IO _CI
dOH_, DC HICC IO CdCH OIHCI, S[CHU IIHC IO_CIHCI, [dj
dIICHIIOH, OI CH_Oj IHCII DOUICS.
jOU IC IHIHKIH_, YOV, II SCCHS IKC [IdCIICdj CVCIj
IHCSS HdS d SCXUd COH[OHCHI jCS, IHIHK IHdI S
dCCUIdIC.
CO[C CX[CIICHCC HC8IH CHdCH_CS d! d d_CS, SO dCIH_
OHC UOCSH I HdKC jOU OU. HdI SdIU, HdHj O IHC IHSI_HIS
dHU SIIdIC_ICS VC DC UISCUSSIH_ HCIC d[[j IH SIHIdI VdjS
IO IHC CHdCH_CS [OSCU IO SCX Dj d_IH_.
OUVC dICdUj ICdU dDOUI d IdH_C O CCXUd
HICI_CHCC IOOS IHdI VI HC[ jOU UHUCISIdHU dHU
d[[IOdCH IHC SCXUd CHdCH_CS O HCdIH dHU d_IH_. HCSC
IHCUUC.
dKIH_ VIIH jOUI HdIC
CIIIH_ _O O SCXUd HICIdICHICS
CdIZIH_ IHdI jOU _IVC SCX HCdHIH_ IdIHCI IHdH SC
HdVIH_ IHHCICHI HCdHIH_
Oecldlngwhatyourcondltlonslorgoodsexareand
communlcatlngthesetoyourpartner
Iettlnggooltheneedlorspontanelty lnsex
lowlet sdlscuss howtoapplythesetoolsandldeas.
C0Xu8l Lll0CIS Ul w0dC8IUnS
Manyprescrlptlondrugshavesexualsldeellects,whlchcan
undermlnedeslre, slowdownarousal, andlnhlbltorgasm.
Somecommondrugswlthsexualsldeellectsare.
Antidepressants
Oluretlcs (usedlorhypertenslon)
Analgeslcs (palnmedlcatlon)
Antlhlstamlnes
Antl-anxlolytlcs (usedloranxlety)
Antl-eplleptlcs
Antlhypertenslves
Appetitesuppressants
Oralcontraceptlves
Cancerchemotherapy
Medlcatlonsdon thavetoallectsexuallunctlondlrectly
lnorderto lmpactyoursexualexperlenceorsexual
relatlonshlps. Some medlcatlonsallectsexuall(lnother
ways.
Maklngyourmouthtastelunny
Maklngyou thlrsty allthetlme
Maklngyousleepy
Maklngyoumentallyslugglsh
Maklngyougrlndyourteeth, snore, orshake
Regulrlngyoutonotdrlnkalcohol
ChangingthesmelloIyoursweatorbreath
Maklngyoupronetodepresslon
llectsllkethesecanlnhlbltklsslngandoralsex, make
youless attractlveasapartner,allenateyoulromyourown
body orsexuality, orsimply makesexalower priority in
yourllle.
lotsurprlslngly,thesexualsldeellectsoldrugsareone
olthemalnreasonspeopledon tcomplywlththelrdoctor s
ordersabouthowlreguentlyandlorhowlongtotakea
medlclne. (!lthatsoundsllkeyou,makeanappolntment
wlthyourdoctorthlsweektorevlewandposslblychange
yourdrugreglmen.)
Inlortunately,manydoctorsdon tdlscussthlswlth
patlentswhenprescrlblnganewdrug.1hesamelstruewlth
thepharmaclstswhodlspensethem. 1heseprolesslonals
shouldknowhowcommonsexualsideellectsare,andhow
thesesldeellectsoltendlscouragepatlentslromtaklngthelr
medlclne. Ooctors andpharmaclstsshouldtakethelnltlatlve
to dlscuss sexualsldeellectswlthpatlents. Inlortunately,
shyness,lackollnlormatlon,learolthepatlent sresponse,
andamlsplacedsenseolcourtesyorproprletyoltengetln
thelrway.
!lyoudo havesexualdlHcultleswhlletaklng
medlcatlon, youcan.
1alkwlthyourpharmaclst
1alkwlthyourphyslclan
1alkwlthyourtheraplst
1alkwlthyourpartner
Also, askyoursell. dldmy sexual dlHcultles beglnor
getworsewhen!startedthemedlcatlon?Sometlmeswe
leelsogladabouttheposltlve lmpact oladrugthatwe
don treallze the drugmlghtalsobecontrlbutlngnegatlvely
toourllves.
\hllewe reonthesubect,let sbrleLylookat
recreatlonaldrugs.1hecommononesmarljuana,cocalne,
andtheamphetamlnelamllyhaveanlnterestlngellecton
sexuallty.Mostuserssaythatallttlebltmakesthemmore
lnterested lnsex, whllealotmakesthemless lnterested. So
whlle moderatlonmaynotbethekeytohapplnesslnall
thlngs,ltdoeslncreasethechancesthatyoucanenoysex
whenyou reuslngastreetdrug.
1Ow OH O/1cc/ !1u_S 11cC/ OcAuO! 1cS]OHSc
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Lll0CIS Ul FlCUhUl Un C0Xu8lI_
Alcohollsadrugtoo,andlthaswell-knownellectsonthe
humanmlndandbody.
Forthousandsolyears, peoplehavedescrlbedalcohol
asadrugthatdlslnhlblts,l. e. , ltmakespeopleleelmore
relaxed,lessanxlous, lessembarrassed, morewllllngtotake
chances, less concernedwlthsoclal conventlon. 1hus, lt
allowspeopletodothlngstheywouldn tordlnarllydo,or
wouldn tdowlthoutdlscomlort.
Atthesametlme, alcoholreducesthe speed olpeople s
reLexes,reduceshand-eyecoordlnatlon,lnhlbltsmotor
dlscrlmlnatlon,slursthelrspeech, andultlmatelymakes
themsleepy. 1hus, ltmakessubtlephyslcalgesturesmore
dlHcultorevenlmposslble.1hat swhybothbrasand
condompackages become hardertoopen. Alcoholalso
makesltharderto getorkeepanerectlonandlnterleres
wlthvaglnallubrlcatlon.
So there stheconLlct,whlchShakespearedescrlbedso
welllnAacbeth. alcohol provokesthedeslre, buttakes
awaytheperlormance. Andso lechery,slr, lt provokes
andunprovokes. 1hatls, ltreducesourlnhlbltlonswhlch
manypeoplewantregardlngsexbutltmakesltharderto
perlormto allowormakeourbodlesdowhatwewant
themto.
Manypeoplewantalcohol sdlslnhlbltlngellect (llnot
onthemselves,thenonthelrpartner) ,buttheydon twantto
pay lorltwlth dlmlnlshedlunctlonlng. Alter all,what sthe
use olbelngmentallyrelaxedenoughto enoysex llyour
bodylsasleeporyoucan tleelyourllmbs?
Sowherelstheldealbalanceolomedlslnhlbltlon
wlthouttoomochlossollunctlon?\hen!askpatlents,
students, andcolleaguestoestlmate,theyoltenguessthree
drlnks,evenlour,occaslonallylve. (Anyone serlously
guesslnglvehaseltherneverhadadrlnk,orlslncredlbly
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anxlousaboutsex.)\hllelt sdlllerentloreachperson,the
answerlormostpeoplelsactuallyaboutonedrlnk. 1hat s
rlghtlormostpeople,al|eronlytwo-thlrdsoladrlnk,
morealcoholactuallydegradesthesexualexperlenceby
removingmore inlunctionthanitaddsinrelaxationand
playlulness.
1Ow !CODO! 11cC/S OcAuO! 1uHC/1OH
L| 5|OO|O|\|LO
OBl BOCE
PO| l | \ UOC\| OO
PLP L LH | || b
low,al|eraboutonedrlnk, mostpeoplebellevethat
morealcohol doenlcostthemmuchlnlunctlonlng
becauseaswedrlnkwe retyplcallygettlnglessandless
sensltlvetowhatourbodylsdolngandleellng.And
becausewhenwe redrunk, almostanythlngthatdoesn t
makeusangrycanseemIunny.Atthetime.Youknow,
Youhadtobethere.
Soalcoholl sanotherdrugthat,whenl tcomestosex
moderatlonlsbest.
F C0C8l UI0 FDUuI LhiUnC l8n
Chronlcpaln. lt saggravatlng,tlrlng,embarrasslng, andlt s
alllesentence.
Peoplewhohaveltgettlredoltalklngaboutlt,people
whodon thaveltgettlredolhearlngaboutlt. Meanwhlle,
it sthesilentthirdpartyinthebedroom.SexinvolvesRon,
Ceorge,andRon spaln.
!t ssuchabetrayal.Almosteveryonewlthchronlcpaln
rememberswhentheydldn thavelt. Oh, thoewerethe
days'
loonewantstoadustthelrlovemaklngtochronlc
paln. !tmakessomeoneleelold, weak,vulnerable,sell-
consclous, not-sexy. Pathetlc.Andltlorcesapersonto
acceptthe lnalltyolthepaln,the lact thatltlsn ta
temporaryproblemlt sapermanentone.1hatalonels
whysomanypeopledon tadaptthelrlovemaklngtothelr
paintheincreaseinpleasuresimplyisn tworththe
depresslngremlnderolthehorrllylngtruth. lo, betterlor
sextohurtthanlorsextobearemlnderthatthlspalnls
permanent.Eetterto loselnterestlnsexthanlorsextobea
remlnderthatthlspalnlspermanent.
!lyouknow (orsuspect) thatyourpartnerhurtsdurlng
sex, grabhlmorher, snatchawaythe Snlckers orthe1V
remote,andtellyourpartner, You rebusted' You relrom
thePalnSguad, andyoulnslst thatthetwo olyoutalk,
specllcally, howexactlycanthetwoolyouadaptyoursex
solthurtsless? (See, we regolnglorlesspalnratherthan
nopalnhowawlul lsthatalready?)
Adaptlngto reduce palnmlghtbeas slmple asswltchlng
sldesolthe bed, orswltchlngposltlons, oruslngplllows
underthebutt, shoulder, ankles, orneck. Orltmaylnvolve
taklnglbuprolenorahotbathalewmlnutesbeloresex. Or
ltmaylnvolvealve-mlnute massageneck, shoulders,
hands, whateverrlghtbeloresex,orthreemlnutesollylng
guletlyandbreathlng,relaxlngthebodyandvlsuallzlng
comlortable musclesandolntsrlghtbelore sex. People
rarelydo thatwlthoutbelngpushed. Sopush. Oh, andthen
helpplckuptheplecesolyourpartner sexlstentlalcrlsls
thatresultslromacknowledglngthatheorshelsllvlngwlth
chronlcpaln.
L8m8_0d LUd_ m8_0
!nAmerlca,welearntoleelashamedwhenourbody s
outsidedoesn tmatchwhoweleelweareontheinside.
1hat struelortheslgnsolaglng (suchaswrlnkles) ,aswell
aslorawlderangeolotherbodyleatures.welght, posture,
laclalasymmetry, ltness,scars,vlslblelnury,andartlllclal
devlces (braces,cane,wheelchalr, andsoon) .Allthese
lssuescancreateacontrastbetweenthewaywelookto
others (and, especlally, lnthemlrror) andthe healthy,
normalwayweleelonthelnslde.
\ecanallunderstandthls.!know!don tIee!llkea
personmy age andmywelghtbutwhenyoulookatme,
that sexactlywhatyousee, andolcourseyouassume that
whatyousee isaccurate. 1hat sone reason manypeopleget
upset about thelrbodlesthebodylsthevehlclethrough
whlch, we assume, othersaremlsudglngwhoweare.
1hlslsaprettyroutlne,llpalnlul,partoladolescence(a
dangerousonelorsome) , butlormanypeopleltstartsagaln
(orcontlnues) whentheyreachthelrthlrtles,oralter
chlldblrth, when theygo bald,when theyretlre, andatmany
other tlmes.!t sacommoncomplalnt. How could !look
thlsway?!leelsexy (oryoung) ,butmybodydoesn tlook
lt(atleastnottome) .
So ourdlstresslsaboutone,two, orallthreeol these
thlngs. thebeautythlng (don tlookasgoodaswantto or
usedto) ,thedlssonancethlng (how!lookdoesn treLect
who!leel!am) ,andthedelnltlon-ol-sexythlng (!know!
don tlttheoHclaldelnltlonolsexy, buttrustme,!am) .
Eothaglngandlllnessdemandthataperson
problematlzehlsorherbody.Ordlnarlly,adultswrestllng
wlthaglngoradlsease relatetothelrtroublesomebody
mostlyby(grudglngly) taklngcareolltand (resentlully)
workingaroundit. \henyourbodyisthelocusolsomuch
lrustratlon,dlsappolntment, sadness,andpowerlessness,lt
canbehardtolmaglneyourbodyasalocusolyour
pleasureandolothers deslre and dellght.
Andsoyouhavetorememberthatbelngsexylsabout
whoyouare, nothowyou appear. As someone getsto know
and appreclate you, yourbody comes alonglortherlde.
Youshouldtreatyourbodyllkeanhonoredguest, notan
albatross.
Olcourse,thlslsallespeclallytruewhenyou relnthe
bedroom andyourclothes comeoll.Youleelsell-
conscious. You realraidyourpartnerwillbedisappointed,
perhapslmaglnlnghowyoulookedtenortwentyyearsago.
!lyou reuncomlortablewlthyourbody sappearance,you
must, must,mustlgnorehowthedamnthlnglooksand
allowsexto happen, unlnterruptedbyyoursell-
consclousnessorudgments. Ourculture, olcourse, lsnot
yourallylnthls, assexualanthropologlstMlckeyOlamond
says, laturelovesdlversl(. Inlortunately,socletyhates
lt.
Vh8I Uu L8n LX0CI VIh F_n_
Iet slookatsomeolthecommonchangesyoumay
experlencewhlleyou age, andcompare these wlthsome
thingsaboutyoursexualitythatmayno/changeasyouget
older. \hatdo!meanby aglng and older?Somevague
tlmearoundlorty. Eutyourmlleagemayvarysubstantlally.
Some people aresexuallyexhaustedbythlrty,whllesome
latebloomersareustgettlngstartedlnmlddleage.
Flrst,whatarecommonchanelnsexualltywlth
aglng?
Ie1re.Oltendecllnes.
la1na!!obr1cat1on.1yplcallydecllneslnvolume
andconslstency.
Erect1on.Regulresmorestlmulatlon,maynotbeas
hardorlastaslong.
Oram.Maytakelongertoarrlve,maynotlastas
longorbeaspowerlul.
Penactor|er1od.1hemandatorywaltlngtlme
betweeneaculatlonandnext erectlon oltenlncreases.
PrcIcrcnccs.1hetypicalsexualrepertoiremay
shrlnk,experlmentatlonoltendecllnes. Occaslonally
ltworkslnreverse.somepeoplewhohavebeen
lnhlbltedlortwentyorthlr(yearsgetanewleaseon
llle (newpartner?near-deathexperlence?Mom
remarrles?) ,andthelrsexualmenuexpandsasthey
becomemoreexperlmental.
Second, howcansexualltyrema1ntab!ewlthaglng?
\hetherthelollowlngaspectsolsexualltystartlowln
youthandstaylowthroughoutadulthood, orstarthlghln
youthandstayhlghlnadulthood,theycanremalnstable
overtlme.
Oeslrelorcloseness
Oeslretobedeslred
Oeslretoleelgoodlnyourownbody
xperlenceolorgasm
Ieveloldeslre
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Prelerences
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SonotethatwhllesexualIonct1onol|enchangeswlth
age, sexual|cho!o|canremalnstable overtlme. Sexual
!ntelllgenceglvesyouthetoolsandmotlvatlontoshll|your
sexualltyasyougetoldertoaccommodatethlscontrast.
1hat sonelmportantwaylnwhlchyoucancontlnueto
enoysexasyourbody sablllty to dowhatlt used todo
decllnes.
So aglnglsn tsomethlelthatstealsyoursexuall(,lt
stealsone ter1onolyoursexualltylunctlon-based
sexuallty.\henltdoes,yougettodecldewhetherornot
yoursexualilyhaslel|youallogelher. lyouhaveemolional
courageandsuHclentlnterest,youcanrelnventyoursell
sexually,constructlngasatlslylngsexlllelromthelamlllar
plecesolyourpsychology, uslnglttoworkaroundthe
changeslnyourlunctlon.
Jh0 w_Ih Ul 08Chn_ Lui ` C0Xu8l
l08K
Alotolpeopleareconcernedaboutwhenthey regolngto
reachthelr sexualpeak. \lllltbehlghenough?\lllltbe
attherlghttlme?Howwlllltltwlththelrpartner ssexual
peak?\henltcomestosex, Amerlcaseemslllledwlth
mountalncllmbers.
Perhapshumanbelngshavebeenwonderlngaboutthls,
lnonewayoranother,loralongtlme. However,Amerlcans
todaydealwlththeresultsolanoverslmpllled, popularlzed
mlslnterpretatlonolalewkeylactsrepeatedsomany
tlmes thatltsoundsboth accurate andprolound.
1heorlglnallactsbehlndthlsareslmpleenough. the
ratesolorgasmloreachgenderlndlllerentage groups,
whlchAllred!lnseydocumentedoverahall-centuryago.
1wodecadeslatertheserateswerepopularlzedbyCall
Sheehy, ShereHlte,OavldReuben, |5A 7oda|, andothers,
narrowlylnterpretedlntotheElgMyth.thatmenpeak
sexuallyatageelghteen,whllewomenpeakatthlr(-lve.l
thatweretrue,thlngswouldbeallttlemessy,butltwould
hardlybetheendoltheworld.Inlortunately, people have
worrled about thlseverslnce.
Reasonableanswerstotheguestlon whendo!reach
mysexualpeak? lnclude.
1heguestlonmakesnosense.
!knowyou reconcerned, buttheguestlonmakesno
sense.
Peopleneverreachthelrsexualpeak.
!tdependsonwhatyoumean.
!l by sexual peak youmeangulcknessto,and
hardnessol, erectlon, andllyoumeanrapldltyand
propulslve lorceoleaculatlon,andllyoumeanconstantly
thlnklngaboutandmaklngdumbassokes aboutsex, then,
yes, manymenpeakaroundeighteen. Andilby sexual
peakyoumeantheageatwhlchwomenaremoresexually
responslveandmore rellablyorgasmlc, then, yes, many
women peak around thlrty-lve.
Eutthlspalroldelnltlonslsonlyonewayto
understand sexualpeak. Forexample, sexualpeak
couldmeantheageatwhlchpeopleenoysexthemost,
valueltthemost, understandltthemost,havethemost
experlence, oruselttoconnectemotlonallywlththelr
partnerthe most.
Sexual peak couldmeantheageatwhlchpeople have
themostspiritualexperienceswith sex, orlnditthe most
psychologlcallycomlortlng lnthelaceolsorrow, paln, or
lear.Atthe otherendolthespectrum, sexual peak could
meantheageatwhlchsomepeoplecouldmosteasllysell
thelrsexualservlces. Sollwe regolngtousethe expresslon
sexual peak (whlch!amcertalnlynotencouraglng),we
need to delne ltasthoughtlullyasposslble,respectlngour
ownexperlenceandasplratlons.
Iet slookatthesameguestlonlnanothercontext.
sportslnwhlchpeople runandchaseaball, suchastennls,
basketball, baseball, andlootball.
Vlrtuallyeveryoneplaylngthesesportsprolesslonally
startsplaylngbyagelourteen.\hllethelryouthlulbodles
canbelncredlblylt, theyhaven tlearnedmuchaboutthe
gameorcompetltlonbylourteen,andsothere sallmltto
how welleventhese bllndlnglytalented luture prolesslonal
athletescanplay.
Attwenty-lour,prolesslonalscanplaythesesportsat
lncredlblyhlghlevelsthelrbodlesareltand thelr
knowledgelsaccumulatlng, especlallyllthey rewell
coached. Atthlr(-lour, most athletes bodleshavealready
sloweddownastepbutbecauseolthelrlncredlble
experlenceandlnslghtlnto thesportandthelropponents,
theycanstlllcompeteataveryhlghlevel,evenmaklng
thelrteammatesbetteratthesame tlme. Eeyondlorty-lour,
alltheknowledgeintheworldcan tcompensatelorthe
slower leet, slower hands,slowereyes,orslowerreactlons.
\ealmostneverseesomeoneplayballprolesslonallyat
thatage.
Forsomepeople,perlormancelssolmportantthatthelr
sklllleveldelneshowmuchtheycanenoyasport. Eut
manypeoplelndotherthlngslnsportsthatcanbe
lmportantaswellsometlmesevenmore so. Forexample.
1hethrlllolcompetltlon
1helamlllarltyolthegame
1hecamaraderleolteammates
1helreshalr
\earlngthespeclalclothesorunllorm
1he sense oImasterlng thesclenceandstrategy oI
thegame
Hanglngoutwlthyoungerplayers
!lyouask peoplewholoveto playsportswhenthey re
lortyorlltyorevenolder, mostsaythesamethlng. !t
lsn tllkeltusedto be. Somewlshltcouldbe, whlleothers
enoyltevenbetternow. Euttheyallagree, !reallyllkelt
thewayltls. !noneway, theyveallpassedthelrpeakas
players. On the other hand, lltheystlll enoyplaylngway
longerthantheythoughttheywould, andlong altermostol
thelrpeershaveretlred,who sto saytheyvepassedthelr
peak?
Sowhendomenandwomenreachthelr sexualpeak?
Forpeoplenolongerlnterestedlnsex,theyalreadydld. For
thosestllllnterestedlnsex, theyhaven tyet. Andllthey re
lortunate,theyneverwlll.
J8lKn_ IU 8nd J08Chn_ Uui
LUCIUi FDUuI C0X j8nd Uui LUd_)
You dbeshockedtodlscoverhowllttledoctors learn about
sexlnmedlcalschool. !t stheonlythlngtheydolessthan
sleep.
1heattltudeatmostmedlcalschoolsls. Iet steach
these people aboutlmportantstull,llkethlngsthatwlllklll
you (orreallyexotlc dlseaseswehaveablggrantto
study) . Soyourgynecologistprobablyknowstentimesas
muchaboutcervlcalcancerasaboutsexuallunctlon. !lyou
havecervlcalcancer,that sagoodthlng, llnot,yourdoctor
mayhavetroubleprovldlngthecareyouactuallyneed.
Manydoctorshavetoldmethey reconcernedthatll
theybrlngupsexualtoplcs,thepatlentwlllbeollended.!
generallysay, 1ellthemthlslsthehlghstandardolcareln
youroHce, andletthembeollended. !walkthlswalk
mysell,manyolmynewpatlentsareollendedatmy
seemlnglylmpertlnentguestlons about sex, andmyuseol
stralghtlorward language toaskthese guestlons.Altera
while,theygenerallyunderstandmylocus.Somestilldon t
llkelt, butatleasttheyunderstand.!rememberonepatlent
whousedto sayexasperatedly, Can tyoucalllt down
there llke everyone else?
!ncontrast,when!encouragemypatlentstoralsesex
guestlonswlththelrdoctors,theytyplcallysay, Oh,my
doctorwoulddleolembarrassmentll!broughtupsex. So
llkeabuncholnervousdrlversatalour-waystopslgn,
everyone swaltlnglortheotheronetogolrst.Youcould
beslttlngat6th Malnlorhours.
Iet salsorememberwhomostlygoestomedlcalschool
peoplebarelyoldenoughtovote.Personally,! mnot
entlrelycomlortable handlngmyprostateovertoaguywho
spent hls\onder Yearslnallbrary lnstead ollearnlng
aboutlile,onthe otherhand, itbeatsthealternativeadoc
who d1dn'tspendyearsandyearslnthemedlcalschool
llbrary.
!oncetaughtsexualltytomedlcalstudentsatStanlord
Inlversl(.1heywere brlght, earnest, andaltogether the
least sexually knowledgeable group oltwenty-three-year-
olds! devermet.!lyou relortunate,oneolthese brllllant
peoplelsnowyourdoctor.
1hemoralolthestory.ustasyouhavetotralnyour
doctorabouttheldlosyncraslesolyourskln [ouburneven
whenltralns) ,yourbreasts (lumpyyourwholellle) ,andthe
restolyourbody, youhavetoteachhimorhertotalkabout
sexwlthyou. thesexualsldeellectsoldrugs,the
contraceptlveellectlvenessolwlthdrawal,howlrregular
perlods allectyourllle,guestlonsaboutthe salety olanal
sex, whyyournlpplesleakablteventhoughyou renot
pregnant, howtomasturbatewhenyouhavearthrltls,
allerglestospermorlatex,thelact thatyourhusbandlsn t
yourmalnsexpartner.
Ietthedocsdealwlththelrdlscomlort.1hey regettlng
pald, andlt llbeneltthelrpersonal llves.
F l0iSUn8l CIUi_
Someyearsago, !lnuredmyhandprettybadlyandspent
monthslnphyslcaltherapy.Alewmembersolthestall
were lntrlgued bymywork, and!gottoknowthemallttle
blt. 1oshowmyappreclatlon,oneday!olleredtoglvea
lecturelnthehospltal. Asltturnedout,theywerehostlngan
upcomlngreglonalconlerencelorhandlnuryprolesslonals
(physlcalandoccupatlonaltheraplsts, sportstralners,andso
on) , andaspeakerhadustcanceled.!arrangedtollllln,
wlththetoplc Sexual!ssueslnHand!nurles.
Asweagreed, aboutamonthlater!showedup atthe
auditoriumwheretheconlerencewas being held. Al|er
belnglntroduced,! lookedat thetwo hundredpeoplethere,
thankedthemlorthelnvltatlon,andasked, Haveyouever
notlcedhowcrankyhandlnurypatlentsare? !gotthe
strongposltlve reactlonyoumlghtexpectlaughlng,
complalnlng, head-shaklng, swearlng, people maklngokes.
Okay, !contlnued, !knowyoutalktothesepatlents
abouteverythlngadaptlngthelrkltchens, thelrbathrooms,
drlvlng,llltlngthelrbables. Sohowmanyolyoutalkto
yourhandlnurypatlentsaboutmasturbatlon?
!twassuddenlyasguletasacountryroadatmldnlght.
\ell, concluded, whydoyouthinkthey resocranky?
1heyhave troublemasturbatlngsomeolthemcan tdo lt
lormonths' Mostolthegrouplaughedandlaughed, when
thesurprlsedlaughtersubslded, replacedbyruelul
recognltlon,!smlled. Iet stalk about the bestwayto
dlscusssexwlthyourpatlents, andwhyyoumayhave
overlookedthe lmportance olthetoplc.
!thlnkalewold-tlmersare stllltalklngaboutthat
presentatlon.
w_IhS FDUuI !08lIh 8nd F_n_
Oespltetheenormousamountolaccuratelnlormatlonout
thereandourlncreasedaccessto lt, therearestllltoomany
preudicesandwrong ideas circulatingaslact.
So let sendwlthagulzonMythsAboutSexuallty,
Health, andAglng.
7IeorFa!e
_1us-:+_-+:ou_+_-201_
O!der womenenera!l|don'tcl1ma when the|hate
e.
L!Ie|oonermen, o!dermenneed/ocl!ma/oIee!
eoa!l|a/ied
On0ewho!e, o!dereo!earen'teoa!.
S1rth conbo!1hneqoent!|!eadtocancer.
Abort1onneqoent!|!ead todere1on.
Aotmen who!oede1reIorthe1rw1teor
1r!n1endaredecient1n tetoterone.
1 |ooaren'trenantaIterntemon0 oItr|n, |oo
or|oorartner11nIert.Je.
Aenmot!|!t1eb1breat; w1thootthem, awoman
hoo!dn 'teectmochde1renomhermate.
Aoteo!earemoreeoa!l|oh1t1catedwhen
the|dr1nI.
1aman can'tet erect, he can 'trea!l|eno|e.
oocan 'tetrenantthenrtt1me|oohatee, or
tand1no, orL |oodoocher1htawa|.
1a woman can 'tcl1manom1ntercoorea!one, e
thera med1cat1on, oranewarmerw1hrobab!|
maIe1to1b!e.
Eter| |earman|o!dero| dro deadIrom too-
t!orooeoIten w!throt!toteordor!naa!r.
5eaRer 0enrtthreemonth oIrenanc|1
enera!l|onw1e.
AotdoctorInoweter|01nabootethe|needto
Inow.
Aotmed1cat1onhateIewornoeoa!1deeect.
Cood-!ooI!neo!eare/hebes/!otersandhate/he
bete.
Erect1ondro!t1e l1ara worIreatIorwomen.
A!mota!leoa! d|:nct1on "canbetracedto
/raoma, sochasrac, mo!cs/a/!on, orch:Jdhood
der1tat1on.
Erect1onrob!emare, oIcoore, a!mota!wa|
r1mar.J|aboote.
1 |oohate aeoa!l|tranm1tted1nIect1on (och a
hereorch!am|d1a), noone w1Jwanttohate
1ntercoore w1th|ooand1t '1rreon1b!e toeten
oet1t.
Anwer to qo1..
A!loItheetatementareIa!e.
7here 'no01n conboter1a! "abootan|oIthem.
5omeeo!ema|hateIee!inaboottheIact,
bottheIactarebe|ondqoet1on.
Regardlessolgender, race,polltlcalvlews, orabllltyto
makerlsotto, gettlngolder lstheone category that
everyonelsheadlngtoward. (!tbeatsthealternatlve,rlght?)
Formostpeople,aglngwlllbrlng speclal challenges to
expresslngsexualltyoylully. Forthose who already
struggle wlthhealth problemsbecauseolpaln,
medlcatlon,lnsomnla, ordlseasethosechallengesto
meanlnglulsexualexpresslonarealreadyhere.
!t shardenoughloslngourcherlshedsourcesol
pleasure,whethertheylnvolvelood,sports, chlld-rearlng,
travellng,orsex.Aswegetolderorstrugglewlthhealth
problems, ltlsessentlalthatweuseourSexual!ntelllgence
toreimagineandreinventsex. 1hatishowwecancontinue
tousesexualltyasasourceolnourlshment,ratherthan
loslnglttoanarrowsetolrlglddelnltlonsthatlnevltably
excludeus.
Aswehave seen,however,somepeoplearesoangryor
lrlghtenedaboutthenecessltyolchanglngthelrsexual
vlslonthattheyrelusetodo lt. 1heygalnthebeneltsol
denlal,buttheypaylorltlnthelrlostsexuallty.!can t
honestlysaythlsl samlstakeloreveryoneonlythatlt sa
mlstakelormostpeople. Asthe phllosopherstellus,palnls
mandatorybutsullerlnglsoptlonal.
CL3_|ct 1cD
LI6dIH_C6X JHdI LdH I d
[OICuCC66U]
LSlH_ 1Ou! D|Xu3 1H||1ll_|HC|
cto|andtr|ta! werean1cecoo!e1n the1rm1d-
th1r/ie. A b1tmoretrad1t1ona!thanman|oIm|a/ient,
the|werePo1anOrthodo, each w1thIam1!|1n thearea.
7he|hadach.Jdandrea!l|wantedanotherbotbeIore
the|conce1tedaa1n, the|areed, the|hadto worIoot
the1r 1nt1mate!iIe. " 7he| wantedethathadmore
ener|"and cloene, "w1th!e tre "and!e
aro1n.
7he| werenot ot1nh1b1ted, the|werecontr1cted 7he|
thoohtthe|Inewwhatewaooedto be!t1e, and
1nce the|moreor!eareedonhowthat!ooIed, 0e|
d1dn 'tqoet1on the1rt11on. 7hat obIe!ltome.
|e ta!Iedabootthe1rre!a/ionh1, wh1ch waIa1r!|
/rad!/iona!. hc was /hcma!nbrcadw!nncr, wh!!cshc wasa
art-t1menore whora1edthe1rch.JdandtooIcareoIthe1r
home. |ed1coed1oe!t1eower, aotonom and
d1areement. Andwe d1coedthe1r1maeoIthe1r
chorch. Acto|wan 'tthatenaed1n 1t; tr|ta! went to
chorchmotweeI, a!thoohhea1dthatth1n!t1eb1rth
conbo!andewere erona! "1oethe|decidedIor
theme!te. 1notedth1eneoI1ndeendence, aom1n1t
woo!dcome1nhand|!ater.
!/ was!n/crcs/!nd!scoss!nscw!0 0cm. As wc /a!Icd
aboottar1ooract1ca!i/ie, the|tooItornnotwant1nto
chane.Acto Ior eam!e, hatedo1na!obr1cant
dor1neheIe!tthe|hoo!dn't hateto," 0at1tmeant
there waometh1n wron w1th tr|ta!'arooa!. 5heIe!t
thatehadto1nclode1ntercoorethat menrea!l|need
1t. "
!e d1dn't!t1e the1dea oIora!ehea1d0at1twa
whatrot1toted1dIor men, andthata rea!man "
woo!dn'todownona woman. 5hed1dn 'twanttomaIe
dateIore, becaoeheIe!tthe|hoo!dcometoether
son/ancoos! "orc!sc!/ was /oomcchan!ca!, no/
romant1c. "Andheon!|wantedto oetheo-ca!led
m11onar|o1t1onIor1ntercoore, becaoeomeother
weren't!ad|!t1e, " wh.Je t1hother ottoomoch
attent1on onm|bacI1de orbreat, wh1charen'teac/l|
erIect. "
|n1ntent1ona!l|, the|wereI1!!/o!l|cooerat1ntota|
tocI. 7he1r1dea abooteonderm1nedtheo1b1ht|oI
eoa!1nt1mac|. |orI1nohard todo er1htandmaIe
1tocceIo!, the|coo!dn'totre!aandeno|eachother
1n bed.
|e!l, /here 'soodnews, "!sa!dcheer:J|. oohate
!ent|oIreaon0ate1n'tthe wa||oowant1t. 7here
are!ent|oIth1nhere to chane. "
1e!a1nedhowthee odment, 1nterretat1on, !abe!,
andoonot1n the wa|oI1nt1mac wh1ch wa whatthe|
a1dthe|wanted. Pot/in two naIedbod1etoe0erIor
e, 0at1n 'thard, "1a1d. Pott1nthem toetherwhen
|oo 're1na!ao!mood, oret/in1na!ao!moodwhen
|oo 'teot0enodebod1etoe0er, that 'a!it/leharder.
oo 'teaIedIoretobemore1nt1mate, wh1ch1
reat, "1a1d. Sothoweact!|do|oo1ntendtocreate
that1t1n'tamatteroIecia!o1t1onorto| ortr1cI.
1t 'amatteroIet/inandta|nconnected1nt1mate!|
wh!!c|oohacn /obchat!nsc. "
1he!edthemee 0ateach waato1d1ntheother
dor1ne, d1dn 'trea!l|trot0e|'dbeaccetedb|0e
other, andwantedan1nt1mateeer1ence w1thootact1n1n
an 1nt1matewa|. 7he|d1dn'twanttoadm1tthat, Iear1n1t
meantthe|d1dn 't!oteeachother;1aored0emthat
wan'twhat1t meant. "
5e1n't 1nt1mate "otbecaoe1t 'e;|oohateto
dotoIItomaIe1t1nt1mate. 5omet1meeo!edon'trea!i.e
the|hate to; omet1meeo!edon'trea!i.e the|aren't.
5omet1meeo!e th1nI1t ' the1rartner'reon1b1!it
c!/hcrbccaoscoIcndcrormorccxcr!cnccor/ad!/!onor
hame.
7h1coo!e 0ooht0e|weredo1nometh1n wron
becaoe 0e e d1dn'tIee! 1nt1mate. " OIcoore1t
doen't, "1m1!ed. oo 'renotre!a1nandha1nthe
ethewa a|,|oohaea1cn1cw1th|oorI1d. |h|
aren 't|ootene then"
Secaoe weInowwhattodo, "Acto|a1d
1th1nI|oodo, bot1don 'tth1nI that 'wh||oo 're
re!aedaboot1t. 101nI1t 'becaoe|oo don'tworr|aboot
do1n1tr1ht, |oo 'renottr|ntoIo!lowacr1t, and|oo
don '/worr| /ha/!I/h!nsoawr|!/w!!lbea/err!b!e
me. " 7he|nodded0oohtIo!l|. NowtaIe thatame
m1nd-et1ntoe, and1be!iete|oo '!lbeab!etore!aand
maIe1t1nt1mate."
1notntee1on, that 'whathaened. Acto|and
tr|ta!tartedee1n whatthe|weredo1n, tarteddo1n
1t !e, andtartedta!I1naboothowthe|were
eretoat1nthe1rownrob!em. 1oetedaIewth1n
andencooraed 0em to!eatethera| w1thme(eten thooh
1eno|edworI1n w1th them). 7he|addedome th1n to
the1reoa!root1ne.moreI11n, moreora!e, twonew
o1t1on. 7he|t1hre1tedwhat0e|Ie!t wam| attacI
on1ntercoore, "andActo|wat1!lteneaboottr|ta!
cl1ma1nomoch more ea1!| w1tha t1bratorthan w10
h!m.
Sot1n theend, we dem|t1ede. 1t becamemorerea!
to themometh1nthe|neededtohaeandmanae, not
otwa1taroondIor, ho1n1twoo!dbe1nt1mate, wh.Je
a1te!|accet1n whateterthe|ot.
1he Sexual!ntelllgencemodelwe vebeenexplorlng
togetherlsaconceptolsexthatmakesltlmposslble loryou
to lallbecauseyou renotalmlnglorsuccess. \lthout
measurlngyoursellagalnstsomestandardolnormal , you
haveonlytwostandardslelt. Howdo !llkelt?and Ooes
mypartnerenoythlswlthme?Slncethere snothlngto
succeedat, you don thave towaltuntllthe sex lsoverto
decldehowltwas. !nstead,youcanenoyvlrtually every
momentalongtheway, slnceyoualreadyknowhowthe sex
endsltendswltheverythlng belng lne.lotperlect
perhaps,butlne.
!nthlsvlslonolsex,nothlngcangowrongbecause
therelsno wrong andno rlght. Iosterectlons,gulck
cllmaxes, dryvaglnasthey reallustleaturesolsex,not
anlnterruptlonoralallure. !nthlserotlcworld,there sno
culturalhlerarchystatlngthatcertalnklndsolsexarebetter
thanothers,thus,whatever(consensual) actlvltlespeople do
are lne. 1hoseoldhlerarchles(lntercourselsbetterthan
oralsex,oralsexlsbetterthanahandob, toesare
lnherentlynotsexy, andsoon) areloraccountants, not
lovers. Inlessyouwanttoconcelve,they recompletely
arbitrary,andbestignored.
Iltlmately,the Sexual!ntelllgenceapproachresultsln
youownlngsex,ratherthanservlnglt,youendupbelng
lreeto create (andenoy) sex,ratherthanbelngenslavedby
theneedtolulllllaculturalmodelolsexualadeguacy.And
that sbetterthananyorgasmcouldposslblybe.
!nCha_ter I , !promlsedwewouldenvlslonandcreatesex
asaplacewheremistakesare simplynot possible, and
vlrtuallynothlngcangowrong.
!hopeyou vedonethatalongwlthme,aswe ve
dlscussedpractlcalldeasandstrategleslncludlng.
Pursulngwhatyousayyouwantlromsex,
llmlnatlngyourperlormanceorlentatlon,maklng
sexaplacetorelaxlnsteadolaplacetosucceed (or
lall),
Abandonlngtheguestlonolwhetheryouoryour
partneraresexuallynormal,
1helmportanceolcommunlcatlngaboutsexand
howtodoltellectlvely,
Reallstlcsexualphyslology. acceptlngthatarousal
canLuctuate,sexualresponseol|enchangeswithage,
andemotlonsallectthewayyourbodyresponds
beloreanddurlngsex,
1helmportanceolbodllyattunementbeloreand
durlngsex,andthevalueolslowlngdownto help
lacilitate it,
1hemlstakeolldentllylngcertalnbodypartsas
erogenouszones ,
1helmportanceol preparlnglorandcomlngtoterms
wlththelactthatsexmaybedlllerentasyoumove
lorwardlnllle,soyoucanenoylt,
1helmportanceollocuslngonsexualenoyment
ratherthansexuallunctlon.
!ndeed,recallthatlnallolourdlscusslons, sexual
lunctlonerectlon,lubrlcatlon, orgasmls seenasa
meanstocreateexperlencesyoudeslre,ratherthananend
lnltsell.
Youllrecallthat!startedthlsbookbyasklngwhatpeople
wantlromsex. Mostadultslncludlng,presumably,you
emphaslzesomeklndolclosenessorlntlmacy. Sohereare
someguestlons!askpatlentstohelpthemthlnkaboutthls
lssue.
!llntlmacylssuchablgpartolsex,whynotdlscuss
sexwlthyourmate?Orwhytolerateyourmate s
sllenceaboutlt?
!lsexlsatleastpartlyaboutlntlmacy,andyoucan t
orwon tcommunlcate,howdoyouexpecttobulld
thelntlmacythatnourlshesenoyablesex?
Howdoyouexpectto talkaboutsexllyoudon t
havethewordsyouneed?
Howdoyouexpectto makesexlntlmateorclosell
youemotlonallyhldedurlnglt?
Although!doltasgentlyas!can,mypatlentssgulrm
when!askguestlonsllkethese,andllyou resgulrmlnga
bltnowtoo, mverysympathetlc. Stlll, llclosenessand
lntlmacyarelmportantpartsolsexloryou, youneedto
behave lnwaysthatleadtoclosenessandlntlmacy.! ve
beentalklngaboutpractlcalwaysto dothlsthroughoutthe
book, belowaresomeaddltlonalldeaslorcreatlng
closenessdurlngsexbymaklngsexaplace lnwhlchyou
can tlall.1hat stheultlmatelnSexual!ntelllgence.
LUn I SI8iI S0X D0lUi0 _Uu l00l ClUS0
Ui i08d_.
\hlleyoudon t needtoleeltremendouslylovlngtobegln
sex, ltlsn tsmarttostartsexwhenyouleeldlsconnectedor
crankytowardyourpartnernomatterhowhornyyouare.
!nsuchasltuatlon,twopeoplemustdosomethlngtobrldge
thegap betweenleellngseparatedandleellngconnected. !l
theydon t,the sexwillatbestleeldisconnected.Atworst,
thebodleswon tcooperateandthewholethlngwlllust
leelcreepy.
Eutevenunderwarmandlovlngclrcumstances, people
needtomakethetransltlonlromnot-sextosex. Some
coupleshaverltuals, llkebathlngtogetherornlbbllngthelr
lavorltetreats. Othercouplesslttogetherabltandcalm
themselvesdownlromtheday srunnlngaround.1hls
transltlonlscertalnlynowasteoltlme,lormanypeople, lt s
thebestpredlctorolwhetherornottheywlllenoythesex
thatlollows.
Foreplay lswhatmanypeoplecallthestulltheydoto
makethetransltlonlromnot-sexto sex (whether the sex
lnvolves lntercourseornot) .!tmay lnvolve klsslng,
londllng, maybegenltalplay. !lyoudon twantto dothose
erotlcthlngsonaglvenoccaslon, consldertwomore
optlons. eltherdoothersensualstullthatappealstoyou
(suchaswashlnghlshalr,orllcklnghertoes) ormaybe
don thavesexrlghtnow.
Formanypeople, thelongerlt sbeenslncethey vehad
sex, themoreawkwardtheyleelwhentheystart. 1hat
makesthetransltlonwords,gestures,touchevenmore
lmportant.
Ll08n u Ih0 nI8IUn iUC0SS.
!ntheearlymonthsolmanysexualrelatlonshlps,noone
lnltlates sexlt 'justhappens ascouplesmakelove
wheneverclrcumstancesallow.Alteralewyearsthat
graduallystops,thensomeoneactuallyhasto begln thellttle
danceeachtlmethatwlllculmlnatelnelther
(a) two peoplehavlngsexor (b) one decllnlng the
lnvltatlon.
Manypeoplecompllcatethlsprocessbyasslgnlngway
toomuchmeanlng to theballet. Some peoplereactto an
lnvltatlon bythlnklng, Youdon treallze howhard!work
andhowtlred!get. Others bellevethatllapartner doesn t
lnltlateattlmeswhentheycould,ltmeansthelrpartnerls
leellng !don tlove you or ! don tlndyouattractlve.
Somepeopleleeltheycan tustsayno,sotheyrespondto
an lnvltatlonwlthanexcuse. And some peopleusethelr
partner slnvltatlontoreklndleanunlnlshedguarrel. Alter
whatyou sald yesterdaytomymother, you expectmeto
havesexnow? Forget lt.
Mypatlentshavelnterestlngldeasaboutlnltlatlngsex.
!neverlnltlate.\hen!wanthlmtolnltlate, !ust
putonmyspeclalnlghtgown,andheknowstonlght
! llsayyes.Sohelnltlates I 00percentolthetlme.
knowheleelspressuredwhensuggestsex, so
usuallydon t. Eutwhenwegoto bed, llhe letsme
spoonhlmanddoesn tmoveaway,!lgurethere sa
chancehemlghtsayyes.
!hatel t whenhesays, Howabouttonlght? 1he
waytoletmeknowyou relnterestedlnsexlsto
shower andshave beloreyoucome to bed.
! malraldto klsshergood-nlght, becauseshe ll
thlnk! msuggestlngsex. 1henshecomplalnsthat!
neverklssher.
1herockieslparllorsomecouplesiswhenoneparlner
suggestssexandthe otherwantsto decllne. verycouple
hastohaveawayloroneolthemtosay nothankyou
wlthouttheotherhavlngbadleellngsbeyondmlld
dlsappolntment.Fortoomanycouples nolsusually
lollowedbyeltheranargumentoroneormorecold
shoulders.
Sowhatdoyoudoalterheorshesaysnotosex?
!tellsomepatlentsthattheseguenceoleventstheytake
lorgrantedamazes me. Ietmegetthlsstralght. You
wantedto makelovewlthhlm. Youwantedto create
closenessandpleasure lorbolholyou. Youwanledlwenly
mlnutesthatwould leelspeclal. And when he sald no thank
you, you turned awayandrelusedtohug,talk, or even look
athlm.
1hat sustnatural, !oltenhear.No, 1t1not.!t sa
declslonthatyoumake. Adeclslonthatdoesnotenhance
yourrelatlonshlporyourchancesolcreatlngenoyablesex
nexttlme. Andltcertalnlydoesn tmakeyouleelgood.
Manypatlentsstrugglewlthwhattheypercelveas
reectlon. Howwouldyoullketobereected?lobody
does, theywall.
She snotreectlngyou, she sreectlngsexwlthyou,
! vetoldmany,manypatlents.\henpressed, !say, She
dldn ttellyoutogoaway, dldn tsayyouweredlsgustlng,
dldn tsayshe llneverwantsexwlthyou. Sheustsaldno
tosexwlthyoulnapartlcularmoment. Olcourse,!
encouragepeoplewhosay nothankyoutoreachoutand
hugortouchthelrpartneras!remlndtheeagerpartner
thatthlslsnotanlnvltatlonto sex.
]ustastheguestlon doyouwanttogoouttonlght?
hasmanyanswersbesldes yes and no (Yesllwecan
behomeearly, lo llyouwantto drlnk, Onlyll !geta
napthlsalternoon, Please askmeagalnalter!comehome
lromthegym) , theguestlon \ouldyoullketohavesex?
hasmanyanswersbesldes yesand no. Forexample.
! mallttletlred,so! muplorsexllyou lldomost
olthework.
Sure,llyoudon tmlndmenotcllmaxlng.
Y know, llwewalttllltomorrow,! llhavealot
moreenergy.
!stlllhavethatsoreonmy llp,sollyoucanenoy
sexwlthoutklsslng,okay.
!t salreadylate, socouldweustdoagulckle?
!could,butthatworkdeadllnelssomuchonmy
mlnd!wouldn tbethere I 00percent. Ooyoustlll
wantto?
Flnally,maklngsexdateslsmandatoryllyouhaveklds
orotheradultsllvlnglnyourhouse. Maklngsuchadate
doesn tcommltyoutosexalterall, whenthe tlmecomes
youmlghthaveaheadacheorbecrankylromtaklngcareol
aslckdogallday. !nstead,youmakeadatetobeata1!ab!e
lorsex. You bothagreeto clearyourcalendarslora
particulartime, then,iIyou rebothinthemood,youcan
havesex.1hlsavoldsthecomplalnt!hearsoolten, Oon t
blameourlackolsexonme!wasreadylast1uesday, but
youweredolngemallallnlght.
Andyes,somepeoplelndtheldeaolplannlngsexso
repulslvethatthey drathernothavesexandthen
complalnaboutlt.
Predlctably,somepeopleapparentlythlnkthere sonly
onerlghtwayto lnltlate, andapartnerwhodoesn tuseltls
eltherbelngdlsrespectlul orwasralsedbywolves.
!nltlatlng slmplystartsthemachlnerythatmakesthe
transltlonbetweensexandnot-sex. Couples needtosettle
whatthat sgolngto lookllkesothatthey renotstlll
argulngyearalteryearaboutwhoshoulddolt, orwhat s
unromantic,orwhen sthebesttime to askinsteadol
actuallyhavlngsex.!nlact,whencouplescan tworkthls
outovertlme, !assumethereare otherunspokenthlngs
golng on. ! veneverheardolacouple whocan teventually
agreeonhowto dlscusswheretogolor dlnner, haveyou?
J8K0 Im0, m8K0 Im0.
\henyoucalculatethetlme lt takestoLyacrossthe
countrytovlsltyourAuntMlnnlelnhermanslon (orat
Craceland,lnprlson,atthe traller park, theOaytona
Speedway!don tknowherlatestglg) ,youknowyou
haveto lncludegettlngto thealrport,hanglngaroundalter
belngstrlp-searched,andgettlnglromthe alrporttoyour
actualdestination.
Slmllarly,thetlmeregulredlorsexlncludestlmeto
clearyourmlnd(olbothreal-worldclutterandrelatlonshlp
clutter) andprepareyourbody (golngto thebathroom,
brushlngyourteeth,taklngoutyourcontactlenses) .You
knowhowltleelstobelategolngtothealrport.Oon tdrag
thoseawlulemotlons lntoyoursexualexperlence.
Oon tshortchangesextakethetlmethat snecessary
todoltrlght. !lyouwantsexbutyoudon thavethe tlme,
enoyamlnuteolklsslngorlondllng. Havesexlater,
tomorrow, orwhoknowswhen.
UCuS _Uui lUCuS.
!t shardtonotlocusonsomethlng. Oon tthlnkolacarrot.
Oon tthlnkolacarrot. Oon tthlnkolacarrot.
!t smucheaslertolocus onsomethlng. thlnkolan
eggplant,all purple and shlny, wlththe curved stem atthe
topthathas those grooves,andthe bottom hasthat
Lattened-outlealthesame color asthe stem, andllyou
sllce ltopen lt snotexactlywhlte, lt smorellkebelge, and
youcanseethosetlnyllttlebrownlshseeds.
Oon tnotth1nIolacarrot, th1nIolaneggplant.
\henltcomesto sex,don ttellyoursell, Oon tleel
nervous, or, Oon tthlnk aboutsuccess (orlallure) , or,
Oon tthlnkolpornactresses. Chooseyourlocus.your
partner sbodyorlaceorskln, howyouleelabouthlmor
her, howyourpartner shand, mouth,halr, breasts, or
welghtleelsonyou.
Slmllarly,youcanIocusonyourblgbelly,oronyour
clltorls. Youcanlocusonyourbellelthatyourpenlslstoo
small, oryoucanklssyourpartnerandstrokeherhalr.You
canthlnkaboutthelasttlmeyouhadsexandlelt
dlsappolnted, oryou canlookatyour partnerand say, ! m
gladwe redolngthls. Youcanandshouldlocuson
whateveryouwantdurlngsex.Inlessyou redeallngwlth
thelnslstent, lntruslve thoughts thatresult lromtrauma,you
canlocusonwhatever glvesyouenoyment durlng sex.
Alotolpeopledon t.!nstead,theylocusonthlngsthey
lndunpleasantllkesell-crltlclsmolthelrbodlesand
thenlndlthardtorelaxdurlngsex. 1hat sllkethlnklng
aboutalltheawlul thlngstheyputlnhotdogswhlleeatlng
ahot dog, lndlnglthardtoenoyeatlngthehot dog, and
thenbelng surprlsedorblamlngthehotdog.
\ecanspollan|experlence,whetherhlklng, eatlng,
watchingamovie,orplayingwithourkids. lyouol|en
leel, Howcan!enoysexwhen!knowthat! m
overwelght? (orwrlnkled,orwhatever) , youneedto use
someSexual!ntelllgence.\edon tenoysexbecause
we reperlect(orbecausethemomentlsperlectorour
partnerlsperlect) ,butratherdespltethemany
lmperlectlonsbulltlntoeveryslnglesexualsltuatlon.
Sexualenoymentlsnotlortheperlectlt sloreveryone.
Oon tthlnkolacarrot,anddon tnotthlnkolacarrot.
1hinkolaneggplant. Oratomato. Oranyotherkindol
sexual experlenceyouwantto have.
LXi0SS Ii8n Ui lUC8l Ii8n
Sexlsn tanexpresstralnyoudon tgetonandthenhave
togototheendwlthout stopplng. 1hatwould make anyone
thlnktwlce belore gettlng (lt) on.
lo,sexlsalocal.Youstart,andyouseehowyouleel.
!lyoullkelt,youcontlnue,llyoudon t,youchangeltor
youstop.Yougettlred,yourest [outellyourpartner,ol
course) .Youneedtogotothebathroom,yougo [ou
delnltelytellyourpartner) .Yougetacramp,oryourwrlst
hurts, oryourawstartsto ache, youchangewhatyou re
doing. 1hingsdryout,yougetmorelubeoradrinkolwater
(dependlngonwhlchendlsdrylngout) .
Eeglnnlngasexualencounterlsn tacommltmentto
contlnueorlnlsh lt. !t sacommltmenttobelrlendly,to
beopen towhathappens, andtocommunlcate. 1hls
perspectlvemay help you begln sexmorelreguently. Ol
course, ltalso regulres thatyou andyourpartner be able to
talkto each other about your experlencelnthemoment.
J8lK duin_ S0X.
!eepeachotherabreastolyourexperlences.!lyou re
unsurewhereyourpartnerlsemotlonallyatanyglventlme,
ask. How? Honey (hull, pul, howyadoln ?And
remember, eyecontactlstheultlmate talklng durlngsex.
!lyouandyourpartnerhavetalkedaboutsexdurlngthe
prevlousweekortwo,youllhavesomethlngtodlscuss
durlngsex.Forexample, llyoumenllonedyouwere
lnterestedlnthePlrate Came, orthatyoudldn twantto try
abllndloldagaln, you couldrelerence that durlng (or alter)
sex.
AswedlscussedlnCha_ter8,remembertotalkabout
sexoot1deolbed, too.
CuiiS0 dU0S nUI 0Qu8l
dS8UnIm0nI. LS8UnIm0nI
dU0S nUI 0Qu8l l8lui0.
Ontheonehand, lt sluntoplanthesexualadventure
you reaboutto have. howyou regolngtotouchyour
parlner,howyouwanllobeklssed, howenlhuslasllcyour
partnerwlll be, whatahugeorgasmyou regolngtohave,
andsoon.!t sevenmoreluntotalkaboutltwlthyour
partneraheadoltlme (1onlght! mgolngtocaressyou
soooooo slowly. . . , OnSaturday! mgolngtollckyou
untllyoucomeblg-tlme. . . ) .
1hatsald,lt slmportantthatwenotgettooattachedtoa
specllcverslonolsexonapartlcularoccaslon, becauselt
mlghtnothappenexactlythatway.
Asananalogy, lmaglneyou rereallylnthemoodlor
kung pao chlcken. You say, Iet sgo outlorChlnese
tonlght,lnlact, let sdrlveallttlelartherthanusualandgo
tothatplacewlththelabulouskungpaochlcken. Your
partneragrees. Youdrlveoutpastthetrallerpark, the
sagebrush, andtheIlberacemuseum, andyouarrlveat
Iulgl sChlneseRestaurant.
Yousltdown,yourmouthallreadylorkungpao
chlcken,andwhatdoesthewaltresswlththesllghtlystalned
apronsay? Eylheway, nokungpaolonighl. Chilisall
gone. You redlsappolnted,olcourse. Yourmouthwas
totally setlorkungpaochlcken. lowyouhaveto makea
declslontoenoytheevenlng, rulntheevenlng, orgolor
somethlnglnbetween.
lotlcethatlt syourdeclslon,notthe restaurant s.
Youcanleave, sulk,andgohome.Youcango
somewhereelse, butlt salreadygettlnglateandtheclosest
placelsahall-hourawaybesldes,nobodydoeskungpao
llkeIulgl. Soyoucanstayandorderanyoldnon-kungpao
thlng, plckatlt,andberesentlul.
Oryoucanhaveagrealmeal. \asillhespicyhealyou
werelooklnglor?Youcanordersomethlngwlthblack
pepper. \asltthechlckenyouwanted?1herearelotsol
chlckendlshesonthemenu.\asltthepeanuts?Cet
whateveryouwant, andaskthemto addpeanuts (note. not
recommended lnwontonsoup) .!lyoullke, look atyour
partnerandaskloramomentolsympathyoveryourlong-
lostkungpaolantasy. 1heneatup, beloreltgetscold.
1hlnkolsexllkethatyoucango lnwlthprelerences,
butyoumustbeLexlblebecauseyoucan tknowexactly
howaneventlsgolngto unlold.Oneolyouwlllorwon t
gelanereclion, oneolyouwillorwon lbein lhemoodlo
playthe Star1rekgame, oneolyouwlllorwon twantto
spendasmuchtlmeorenergy onsexasthe other,oneol
youwlllorwon tgetacramplnthe loot,andyourpartner
wlllorwon tblteyouexactlywhere,when, andhowmuch
youwant.
Fortunately,therearemorewaysto enoysexthanthe
exactoneyoulantaslzedabout. Andlortunately, there s
alsonexttlme.
luI Ui_8Sm n IS l8C0.
Perhapsyouvenotlcedthat! vesaldalmostnothlngabout
orgasm. 1hat sbecausewhensexlssatlslylngand
uncompllcated, orgasmlsustasmallpartollt. !t sonly
whenorgasmlsproblematlcyoucan thave one, orlt
hurtswhenyoudo,oryouleelsell-consclousorgullty
aboutyoursthatorgasmbecomesablgpartolsex.
Sexollersusalot,lncludlngthechancetobecloseto
someone,toglvehlmorhergllts, toleelgracelul, deslred,
andattractlve,todlscoverandexpressourselves, toleel
speclalandknown,toenoyourbodles,toplaygameswlth
power,andtovlolatetabooswlthoutpenalty.
1hlnklngolthatpotentlalllneupputsorgasmln
perspectlvelt sslmplyabonus, andgulteabrleloneat
that.
Andalthoughorgasmcanbeawonderlul,llberatlng
momentolmeltlnglnto thesun, moon, andstars (orlarnla,
Hogwarts,andMlddlearth,llyoupreler) , ltcanalsobe
blttersweet.Manypeoplehaveorgasmsbuthardlyleel
them,becausethey resoconcernedaboutotherthlngs,such
ashowlonglttook. Forothers, anorgasmlsasymbolol
adeguacy(thelrown,thelrpartner s, orboth) ,soorgasmls
somethlngtheyhate, notsomethlngtheyIee! Andwhen
sexdoesn tlnvolvemuchemotlonalconnectlon, orgasm
canbealonelyexperience.
!lyouthlnkorgasmlsthebestpartolsex,you re
mlsslngalot.Andllorgasmlstheonlypartolsexyou
enoy,!lmaglnetherestolsexmustbepretty
dlsappolntlng.
Sohowcanwemakeltlmposslbletolallat sex?Eymaklng
sexmoreadultllke. Eesober, createabetterenvlronment,
makesureyougetyourbaslccondltlonsmet, accept
yoursellsoyoursell-esteemlsn tonthe llne, andenoy
whatyouget.Eedlsappolntedandonlydlsappolnted
whenapproprlate.
Oras AshlelghErllllantsays.
1obesure olhlttlngthetarget,shootlrst,andthen
callwhateveryouhitthetarget.
_ ndix
1OI COu_1cS 1HcI_1S/S,
1S_6HO1O
@
1S/S, Du 1H_S161DS
ecaoeL1r1o'r1mar|careh|1cianhadrecent!|
ret1red, h1annoa!checIo wa w1th omeonenew, adoctor
whohadcomeh1h!|recommended.Ior1ntheeam, the
doctornot1cedomebro1eonL1rio' th1handbottocI.
tor1oo, heaIedabootthem. Oh, m|bor1endand1!t1e
to!a|rooh, "L1r1o m1!ed. 7hedoctor hm-mm'd"and
con/inoedtheeam. |henhed1dL1r1o'rotateeam (a
!obr1cated, !otednner1n therectomIor twoecond), the
doctornot1cedomeorene, andL1rior1maced!iht!|.
7aIe1tea|there, "he a1d |e!a|edot!atn1ht. "
L!r!o wasanonosoa!a/!cn/.hcac/oa!l|/a!Icdaboo/
ew10h1doctor. !e d1dn'tIee!embarraed;1nIact, he
Ie!ta!it/lebadIor the doc, whowaclear!|oncomIortab!e.
L1r1owa oedto th1, thooh, ahetaohtclae1n 5/A
andwa oedtoencoonter1n tar1ooatt1todeaboot1t.
7hedoctorwaconceIed, thooh. (othowrooh!|
doe|oorartnerbeat|oo" he aIed.
L1r1oe!a1nedthe com!ete!|conenoa!
dom1nat1on/obm11onre!at1onh1hehad1nbedw1thh1
bo|n1end(oan. 1t1nclodedomeanI1n, wh11n, and
ana!enetra/ion. 1n a!loIthee, bothheandh1armer
retendedL1r1o waower!e, Iorcedto obm1t. "1a|
retended"becaoeL1rioandh1artnerhadworIedoot
thedeta1!oI0e1rameoter/ime1n a!oner1eoI
contcrsa/!ons. (oanIncwcac/l|wha/L!r!o!t1cd, wha/h!s
!im1t were, andhowtoaethe1mactoIthe1r!a|. L1r1o
wane1therhe1tanttoaIIorwhathe!t1ednorre!octantto
a|H hewa too cloe toh1!im1t.
5oIar, oood
Ecetthatthedocto!dL1r1o thathe!ooIed!t1ea
t1ct1m oIdomet1caboe. 5o1hate toreortth1, "a1d
thedoctor.
L1r1o0oohthemotbeI1dd1n, bothe wan 't. 7r|n
tod1oadethe doc, L1r1ooIIeredtoca!lh1bor1end(oan
tocorroborate, botthe doc wan 't1ntereted.
L!r!o 0cndcscr!bcd/hc 0cor|andrac/!ccoI5M
|10twootherat1ent wa1t1n, the doctorwaett1n
1mat1ent. 1can 'tr1Im|Iam1!|' we!l-be1nb|ot/in
m|!icene1neoard " thedoca1d 1t waorrea!;L1r1o
wa terrHed. Andhehadon!|am1noteortwo to1noence
the we!l-mean1nbotna1tedoctor.
5odden!|L1r1ohadan1dea. OneoItheocenore
eemeda!it/le oIReat.b!acIna1!o!ih, a1I|!eather
wr1tband, tattoo, mo!t1!e earr1n1n eachear. Qo1cI!|
nnd1nher, heaIedherto ta!I w1th 0edoctoronh1
beha!/1t wahom1!iat1naea!into th1baner, who
m!h/beoendedb|h!sdesera/eassom/!on, /o!n/ertene
w1thh1owndoctor, Iee!in!t1eacr1m1na!whohadto
marha!et1dence toretentad1ater.
7henore toIedootto be athet1c (and1nto ome
taoe5Jth1nhere!/, andhe1mmed1ate!|ondertood
the1mortanceoIwhatL1r1o waa|n. 5heoIe w100e
doctor, whorod1n!|droedthe who!e th1n.
Attemt1nto beroIe1ona!, he to!dL1r1o, Perha1'm
notther1htdoctorIor|oo. " |eareeonthat, "a1dthe
re!ieted, tonneda/ient.
Ilrlo sstorylsn tunusual.!nlact,datalndlcatethatmost
patlentslnvolvedlnalternatlvesexuallllestylesdon ttrust
thelrphyslclanwlthlnlormatlonthat snecessarylorgood
healthcare. Ilrlo scaseshowswhy. Eutlet sbackupablt,
andreturntopatientslikeIirio later. Firstlet stalkabout
youandme.
Mostcllnlclansgetllttleornotralnlnglnsexuallty (lor
example, Calllornlasoclalworkers areonlyregulred totake
aslngle, ten-hoursemlnar) .1hetralnlngwedogetls
typlcallypathology-orlented. sexabuse, sexaddlctlon,
sexualvlolence,H!Vrates,unlntendedpregnancy,sex
tourlsmandtraHcklng. 1here srarelyamentlonol
pleasure,theclltorls,orhealthynon-monogamy.
Andthere srarelyamentlonoltheenormousrangeol
humansexualbehavlors, unlesslt slnthecontextol
pathology (awidearrayolletishesandparaphiliasare
known) .Youcangetllcensedasaphyslclan, marrlage
counselor,nurse, orsoclalworker wlthout everhearlng
about, muchless seelng, avlbrator.
1hlslsbadlorusbothprolesslonallyandpersonally.
!t sbadlorourpatlents,too.
Eutltdoesmlrrorhowmostolourpatlentslearnabout
sexuallty. thethemelsgenerallydangerandlear,wlth
rumorsolorglastlcpleasurethrownln (wlthout,olcourse,
muchlnstructlonlorbrlnglngthatabout) .
\e vealreadyseenthatthe Sexual!ntelllgence
approachistheoppositeolwhatmostpatientslearnand
experlence. !nmanyways,lt salsotheopposlteolwhat
prolesslonalslearnlnourtralnlng. 1hlsappendlxexamlnes
(andcrltlgues) commonresponsesto patlentswlthsexual
lssues, anddescrlbeshowaSexual!ntelllgenceapproach
canservethembetter.
Andllwe growourselveswhlletreatlngpatlentslna
moresophlstlcated,humaneway,that sokaytoo. veryone
beneltswhenaprolesslonalgalnsallttle Sexual
!ntelllgence.
UICn_ Lui FSSumIUnS SU V0
L8n wnmZ0 Jh0m
Mostpsychologlstsandphyslclansllve lnthesameculture
asthelrpatlentstheywatchthesame1V shows, usethe
same smart-phone apps,evengoto thesamechurchorgym.
Alotolourpatlents sexual (and relatlonshlp)
dlHcultles areadlrectresultolthelrassumptlonsabout
men,women,sex, love, intimacy, desire, andbodies.
Patlents(plcallyholdcertalnproblematlcbellels.that
women should cllmaxlromlntercourse,thaterectlons
shouldbeready-on-demandregardlessolhowamanleels,
thatdeslrelsanaturaloutgrowthollove,thatheterosexuals
don t(andshouldn t) enoysame-sexlantasles,andthatsex
shouldbenaturalandspontaneous.Eellelsllkethese
underglrdmanycommonsexualdllllcultles.
1hus, amaorartoIocce:!beament1nto!te
he!1nat1entee the1raom/ion, dlscusslngthelr
unwantedconseguences, andexplorlngalternatlvebellels.
However,llweourselvescan tseeourpatlents
assumptlons,weobvlouslycan tpolntthemout. Andtothe
extentthatwesharethoseassumptlons, ltwlllbealmost
lmposslble toseethemlnapatlent. Ooyouevernotlcehow
everyonearoundyoubelleves lngravl(?lo?vernotlce
thatpeoplebelleve ralnlswet? lo?vernotlcethatother
people don teatsoupwlthaknlle?lo?\henwe llveas
others do, lt shardto notlce whatthey do. Flsh, astheysay,
don treallzetheyllvelnwater.
So llwe astheraplstsandhealthcareprovldersthlnk
thatsexeguals lntercourse,wewon tnotlcewhenpatlents
thlnkso. lwethlnklt sunsexyorunromantlctouse
lubrlcantsandcondoms,ormakedateslorsex,wewon t
notlcewhenpatlentsdo. !l wethlnkthattelllngapartner
whatyoullkelnbedlsbelng bossy, wewon tnotlcewhen
patlentshavethesameattltude.\hatwedon tnotlcewlll
makeltlmposslblelorusto dlagnose,ortochallengesuch
bellelsasthesourceolproblems.
1hus,lt scruclallorustoknowwhatourownsexual
assumptlons are. \edon tnecessarlly havetochangethem,
butweneedto knowwhattheyare, andweneedtoknow
thatthey renot rlght, butmerelyaslnglepolntolvlew.
1hlspresentsachallengenotusttocllnlclans
prolesslonalvaluesbuttothelrerona!valuesand
assumptlons aswell.
!UV Lui `8lu0S Ch80 Lui VUiK
AscompetentadultmembersolAmerlcanculture,every
theraplstandphyslclanhasldeas aboutvarlous aspects ol
sexuallty. !sltokaylormarrledpeopleto masturbate? How
much masturbatlon ls excesslve?!shomosexuallty
normal?Howmuchsexualdeslrels reasonable?!s
gettlngturnedonbyspanklng tooklnky?Ilkesexual
varietyitsell, theguestionsare endless.
lotethatthereareno rlght or sclentllcanswersto
these guestlons.1heyrelerto lssuesolvalues,notollact.
Allolushaveasenseolwhat snormal, rlght, and
realaboutsex, evenllwedon treallzelt. 1hlssense
aboutsexualltylssuchadeeppartolourrealltythatltcan
belnvlslbletousevenwhenwe reconveylngthatsense
aspartolourcllnlcalwork.
Conslderalewslmpleexamples.\egenerallyassume
thatmarrledpatlentsaremonogamous.\eoltenassume
thatawomanwho shadanabortlonleelsgulltyorgrlel-
strlcken.\emayaskpatlents thelragewhentheylrst had
sexwlthoutspecllylngwhetherwemeanpartnersex, and
llso, whetherwemeanlntercourse (manypeoplehaveoral
sexoranalsexloryearsbelorelrstlntercourse) .Andwe
maylorgettoaskllthesexwasconsensual,coerclve, or
somethlnglnbetweenablglapseconslderlngthata
substantlalnumberollrstsexualexperlencesarenotlully
consensual.
Hereareexamplesolvaluesissuesthatshapeourwork
the guestlonswe ask, ourlnterpretatlons olthe answers,
andoursuggestlonsbasedonthoselnterpretatlons.
\hatls normal sexuallty?
Sexually,whatare menand women llke?
\hatls normal deslre? \hatdrlveslt?
\hatlsthe relatlonshlp ollantasy,deslre,and
arousal?
Canklnkysexbehealthy? Canltlnvolvelntlmacy?
Candeslrestosurrenderordomlnatebehealthy?
\hatlsthe relatlonshlp between sex, love, and
lntlmacy?
\hatisthemeaningoladultmasturbation?\hatis
ltsrolelnarelatlonshlp?
lotethatltlsprlmarllyournon-IIe1ona!ldeas
abouttheselssuesthatshapeourIIe1ona!thlnklngand
behavlor. partlybecausewedon tgetspeclallzedtralnlngln
sexuallty,butalsobecausewe developldeasaboutsexuallty
asordlnaryadultsln soclety. \ewouldn tmakeaslmllar
prolesslonalleaplnotherareaslnwhlchwehaveno
expertlsesay, roolng orauto repalrevenllwehad
oplnlons orgeneralldeasaslaypeople. Inlortunately,the
cllnlcal prolesslonsundervaluerealexpertlse lnsexuallty,
reasonable layoplnlonslnlancylanguagearemoreor
lessthestateoltheart.
Andsowelntervenelncasesbasedonourldeasabout,
say,sexualsubmlsslon (polltlcallylncorrectlorwomen) ,
exhlbltlonlsm guvenlle, hostlle) , casualsex (learol
lntlmacy) ,pornography (degradlngtowomen,evenwhenlt
showswomenhavingpleasure) , allairs (sexaddiction) , or
same-genderlantasles (latenthomosexuallty) .\hlleeach
oltheselnterpretatlonswlllbeaccuratelorsomepatlents,
theywlllbewlldlylnaccuratelormanyothers. !lyouwalk
lnto theconsultlngroomwlthpreconcelvedldeasllkethese,
you llbelgnorlngtherealltyolasubstantlalnumberol
yourpatlents.Yourworldmayleelvalldated,butthelrs
won t. Atleastaguarterolmynewpatlentsarerelugees
lromthlssortoldemeanlngprolesslonaltreatment.
Agaln, ltdoesn tmattersomuchwhatyouranswersto
values guestlonsare,whatmattersls your awarenessthat
youhave those answers,thatthey reprobably based on
yournon-prolesslonalllle,andthatthey shape your
prolesslonalbehavlorwlthoutyoureallzlnglt.1hat swhat
shouldgrabyourattentlon. Andtheneveryprolesslonal
shouldspendsometlmeldentllylngustwhatthelrsexual
valuesare.
C0Xu8l unCIUn N5. C0Xu8l
Ln]U_m0nI
Somepatlentsareverytanglblelndescrlblngwhatthey
wantlrom sex. 1heywant bettererectlons, orgulcker
lubrlcatlon,theywantto lastlongerorcllmaxgulcker,they
wantmoredeslre. Ortheywantthelrpartnertochangeln
theseways. 1heywantsomeone sdyslunctlonlxed,
eltherthelrownorthelrpartner s.
!l wechoose, agoodtheraplstorphyslclancan
lnvestlgateapatlent sllleandoltenuncovertheloglc
(consclousorunconsclous) thatmakessenseolthese
symptoms . trauma, learolabandonment,lnsecurltyabout
mascullnlty,learollntlmacythewholeOprah-ocracyol
lnnertormentweregularlysee.
CivenAmerica slwisledsexualcullure,ilwe re
looklnglorstullllkethat,wecanalmostalwayslndlt.
1hen, theoretlcally,wehelpourpatlentsresolvelt, the
blocksto sexual lunctlondlssolve, andthelrgenltallaare
rescuedlromtheashheapolhlstory. Cood-bye,sexual
dyslunctlon.
\hetherthat sthebestwecandolorourpatlentsls
anothermatter.
! mnotsoeagertoagreethat! llworkwlthapatlentto
lxpresentlngproblemsllkeunrellableerectlonsand
dlscouragedvaglnas.\hen !askpatlents whythese
symplomsareaproblem, lheiranswersareol|eninleresling,
suchas.
! malraldmypartnerwlllleaveme.
!don tleelllkearealman.
tmeansCodlsangrythatmasturbate.
! malrald! mgay.
!tmeansthere ssomethlngwrongwlthme.
! malraldltmeans!don tlovemypartner.
! don twanttogetold.
! malraldmypartnerwlllpunlshme.
Howwlll!everlndapartner,glvenmyemotlonal
baggage?
!tellnewpatlentsthatthesearen tsexproblems.
1hey relnsecurlty, exlstentlalchallenges,relatlonshlp
problems, andmlsunderstandlngsaboutthenatureol
lntlmacy.Problemsllkethesewon tbelxedbycurlngthelr
sexual symptoms.]ustaslmportantly,lxlngthelrgenltalla
lsn tthekeytothegreatsexthatpeople saytheywant.
Prolesslonalsneedtohelp peoplehavebetter eno|ment
ratherthan better mnc/!on!n
!approachsexual lunctlon as ameans, notanendln
ltsell. Somemotocllnlclans. gultworklngsohardto llx
people serectlon,lubrlcatlon,andorgasmproblems' Start
deallngwlththelrrealdllllcultles. thelrperlectlonlsmand
resultlngallenatlonlromthelrbodles, thelrunreallstlc
expectatlons, thelrsmall-mlndedvlslonolsexuallty, thelr
perlormanceanxlety.
!t strue, olcourse,thatthere are physlologlcal problems
thatcreatesexualsymptoms.
Somepatlentsabsolutelyneedamedlcalworkup. those
withshortnessolbreath (co-occurswitherectionproblems)
andheavymenstrualbleedlng (co-occurswlthpalnlul
lntercourse) ,tonameusttwo.\ewantto makesureevery
patlenthashadabaslc bloodworkupdonewlthlnour
llletlme,hypothyroldlsmandlowtestosteroneorestrogen
levelscancreateawlderangeolmlschlel.\hennew
mlddle-agedpatlentssaythattheyhaven tseenadoctorln
slxyears,!tellthemthey llneedtodothataspartolour
treatment.
Eutdlagnostlcally,let sstartslmple. Remember. when
youhearhooves, thlnk horses, notzebras.
vehaddozensolnewpatlentsreportthattheyrecelved
aprescrlptlonloranerectlondrugwlthoutbelngaskedhow
theyleltaboutthelrpartner (manyolthemloundthelr
wlvesorglrllrlendsunappeallng) . ! veknowndoctorsto
treatchronlcyeastlnlectlonswlthout lndlng outthat,
althoughthepatlentwashavlngsexwlthherhusbandonly
everylewmonths,shewasregularlysleeplngwlthsomeone
else.
Flndlngoutaboutourpatlents llveslsakeypartol
treatlngthelrsexuallssues.Orrather,lt sakeypartol
dlscoverlngwhlchsexuallssuesneedtreatlng.
d0nIl_ l8I0nIS C0Xu8l 8ii8IV0S
Aswe vealreadyseen, narratlvesarethestorlesthat
patientstell themselves (someconsciously, others
unconsclously) aboutwho theyare,whattheycanexpect
lromsex,andwhatvarlousexperlencesmean.
Somepeoplehaveposltlveorneutralsexualnarratlves.
!amattractlve,capable,deslrable. Or! mgoodenough,! m
regular,! mmoreorlessnormal.Eutpeoplellkethls
usuallydon tcometoouroHceswlthsexualdlstress.
!nstead,weseepatlentswhothlnkolthemselvesas
damaged,lnadeguate,unattractlve,godlorsaken,old,
blameworthylnshort, unsexyandlnellglblelorbelng
deslredorsexuallysatlsled.
1hisnarrativeitsellcanbecriticaltohelpingpatients
changethelrsexualexperlence. Addresslngthlsnarratlve,
ratherthanthebalkyvaglnaorpenlsortheeluslvecllmax,
lsoltenthekey.
Olcourse,ltlsn tenoughto say, Youthlnkyou re
damaged,butyou renot ' or, Youmayleelunattractlve,
but!thlnkyou reattractlve' Youmlghtaswelltella
depressedperson, Haveanlceday' andexpectltto lllt
thelrdepresslon.
lo,ouroblsmoresubtle.Flrstwehavetoexplalnto
patlentswhatanarratlve ls, thenwehavetodescrlbe (to
mirror) what their narrativeis,thenwehaveto helpthem
lnvestlgatehowthelrnarratlve undermlnes thelrsexual
satlslactlon, thenwehavetohelpthemsee thatthelr
narratlvelsacholce, andlnallywehave to helpthem
weave adlllerentnarratlveoneoladeguacyand
ellglblll(, onebasedonSexual!ntelllgenceratherthanon
klllerabsorperlectbreasts.
L0l0iin_ JUU wuCh IU LulIui0
Amerlcalslarmoreconsclousolltsdlversltynowthanever
belore. Soalterdecadesolunconsclouslylmaglnlngthe
average patlent (whlte,mlddle-class,monogamous,
sober) ,cllnlclansarenowlarmoresensltlvetothe
ldlosyncratlcculturallssuesthataccompanyeachnew
patlent. Olverslty lsthlsdecade sblgthemelnboth
cllnlcal andcorporatetralnlngwhat don tbeasexlstplg
wasthreedecadesago.
levertheless,whllebelngsensltlvetopeople s
lndlvldualltyandldlosyncratlcblographles, we don twant
to lgnore ourbest tools ortomakeassumptlons about our
patlents llmltatlons. !t strue that, say, Aslan people tendto
bemoreprlvateaboutthelrsexualltythanCaucaslans. And
lundamentallst Chrlstlans /cndtoassumethatwomenwlll
submlttothelrhusband ssexualdeslres.Andorthodox
]ewseneraB|bellevemasturbatlonlsasln. And, and,
and. . . .
Eutwealsodon twantto stereotypepeopleandcultures
llkewedldlnthlrdgrade. (Youremember. Holland.
woodenshoes. !ndla. elephantsandtlgers.Russla. drunk,
lmpotentmen. ) \ewanttowalkalnellne. tobe
culturallysensltlvewlthoutwlthholdlngourbestwork
becausewepreudgethatpeoplewon tbeableto hearor
valuewhatwesay.
1hlslsespeclallytrueregardlngrellglon.nLexlbllltyls
lnLexlblllty,regardlessolthesource.\ecanberespectlul
olpatlents bellelsanddlscussthelnevltable conseguences
olthematthesametlme. !l, lorexample,amanbelleves
lt saslntolantaslzeaboutwomenheseesonthestreet,
that shlsrlghtbutlt sgolngtomakesexvery
compllcatedlorhlm,andhedeservesourbestcllnlcal
lnslghtaboutthat. Slmllarly, llpeople lnslstthattheonly
acceptable blrthcontrollswlthdrawalbeloreeaculatlon,or
thatthereareonlyalewdayspermonthwhenawomanis
cleanenoughtohavelntercourse, that sthelrrlghtbutthat
makessexverycompllcatedlorthem.\eowe our patlents
clearlnlormatlon.
HerelnSlllconValley,!workwlthalotolpeoplewho
were born lnAsla,orwhose parents were born there.Asa
result,!perlodlcallyseepatlentslnvolvedwltharranged
marrlages. Hallolthesepeopleknowthelrprospectlve
spouselormonthsorevenyears, theotherhallmeetthelr
mateonlyweeksorevenhoursbeloretheweddlng.
EaldevandCltabothgrewuplnthe coastalareaol
southernndia. 1heirlamilieshadbetrothedthemintheir
earlyteens, andtheymarrledas college lreshmenhavlng
spentvlrtuallynotlmetogetherunchaperoned. lowlnthelr
mld-twentles, they dbeenhavlngsexualdllllcultleslrom
theverystartolthelrmarrlage.!naddltlon, she wasn t
pregnantyet, andthelrlamllleswerepressurlngthem.
Oon tbeatyplcalAmerlcan, hlsmotherwarnedher,
postponlngchlldbearlnguntllyoucanonlyhaveoneor
two.
Asa\esterner, !lndarrangedmarrlagetobeanallen
lnstltutlon, olcourse. Eutmypatlentsandahall-dozen
teachingtripsacrossAsiahavetaughtmealotaboutits
advantagesanddlsadvantages. !lEaldevandCltahadstlll
beenln!ndla,theymlghthaveconsultedwltholderslbllngs,
clanelders,maybeaprlestordoctoroltradltlonal
Ayurvedlcmedlclne.
HerelnCalllornla,theychosetoseeme. Sohowdowe
workwlthsuchpeoplestruggllngwlthsexualdlHcultles?
Alterdetalllngthelrmarltalhlstory, !lookedatthem
andsald, Youknow,! mnot!ndlan. 1heysmlledatmy
smallokeand relaxed ablt. So! mno expert onarranged
marrlages. Eut!doknowallttleblt, andyou lltellmethe
restolwhat!needto know.
! appreclatethatbothyourlamllleswerelnvolvedln
yourrelatlonshlpevenbeloreltstarted, !sald. So lna
sensetherearemorethantwoolyouinthismarriage.
1heynodded. \henwetalkaboutsex,weusuallythlnkol
thetwopeoplewhoareactuallymaklnglove.Eutlnyour
casethatwouldbeslmpllstlc. Eothyourlamllleswere
lnvolvedlnthebetrothal,the courtshlp, theweddlngtwo,
threedays, !bet,whatanevent ' andthehoneymoon.
agerlyawaltlngyourlrstchlld,they vebeenlnyour
bedroomeverslnce.1hlslsn tacrltlclsm, !emphaslzed,
'justadescrlptlon. Pleasetellmewhatthlshasbeenllkelor
you.
1heywerepollte, abltshy, andspokelngeneralltles
andeuphemisms. So suppliedalewwordstohelpthe
conversatlon along. ! thlnkalmostany manwouldhave
troublegettlngan erectlonllheleltpeoplewerelooklng
overhlsshoulder, !suggested.!gentlycontlnued, And
mostwomenwouldlndlthardtorelaxandletgo llthey
lmaglnedthelrmotherorlatherlnthenextroom. !letmy
words slnk ln.
Yes, Ealdevsaldguletly, that sklndolhowltwas. !
thlnkmaybeyouleltthatwaytoo, Clta?` Olcourseshedld.
So!wentasteplurther.
You reboth englneers, rlght?Youknow, lt sonethlng
tosetpeopleloose inalabandtellthemtoworkona
proect.Eutlmaglnelltheydon tknowhowtousethe
egulpment,haveno experlence,don tknoweachotherwell,
areonadeadllneandthey reexpectedtoworklnthe
dark' Howwould thatbe?1heylookedallttleconlused,so
!spelledltoutlorthem.
Youtwoweresentlntoalabyourmarltalbed.
leltherolyouhadanyexperlence,youknewnothlngabout
eachother sbody,youdldn tknoweachotherwellenough
toworkasateam,andyouleltyouhadtocreatearesult
successlulsexonschedule.Andtomakeltevenharderto
learn anythlng,youbellevedyouhadtodoltlnthedark'
1helrdarkeyesopenedwldeastheaccuracyolthe
descrlptlontouchedthem. And, !concludedsol|ly,
youvebeenoperalingunderlhiskindolpressure,week
alterweek,everslnce. !tmustbeaterrlblestraln.
Cltawasthelrsttospeak. !leel! vedlsappolntedyou
manytlmes, shesaldto Ealdev. lo,no, herhusband
responded. ! venotbeenthemanwho . . . who. . . , he
choked back tears. !t sallmylault.
Andthatwasthebeglnnlngolaserlesolvery
productlve,llpalnlul, sesslons. Yearsollrustratlon,shame,
andsell-crltlclsmallsulleredlnemotlonallsolatlonlrom
each othersuddenlyhadavolce. !twasaslltheywere
eachdlscoverlngthattheyhadapartnerlorthelrsttlme.
1heexpeclalionseachhadlellweresuchaburden.
!thought!wassupposedtoexclteyou, but!dldn t
knowhowand!knowmybreastsareverysmall.
!heardtherewassomethlngdownthere!was
supposedlolouch, bulcouldn llIndll'
! hearotherwomenloveto . . . youknow,orally
satlslythehusband. . . .!dldn tknowhowtostart,
and!wasalraldtohurtyou.
!leltyouweredependlngonme,and!wantedto
succeedsomuch,and!leltsoembarrassed.
1heywerestlllyoung, andtheydldcareloreachother,
andtheywerebrlghtandopen. Andsoallttlelnlormatlon,a
lololcommunicalion,andlheencouragemenllobeginlheir
sexualrelatlonshlpalloverstartlngwlthholdlnghands,
klsslng, andacoupleolllngerlngpatsonthebehlndwent
alongway.Alteralewmonths, theywaved good-bye to
me, erotlcallymore conldent (lnasweetly shyway) and
leellngmorelnchargeolthelrllvesthanthey dever
lmaglned.
Andalthoughthesedetallsmlghtbedramatlcally
dlllerentthanlnthecaseolanAmerlcancouple ralsedwlth
sex, drugs, androck n roll,the issueswithmostolmy
patlentsare slmllar. harshexpectatlons, lnadeguate
lnlormatlon, emotlonal lsolatlon, perlormancepressure,
lntercourseorlentatlon,andthetrlvlallzatlonollndlvldual
sexual scrlpts.
Eytheway,when!teachlnAsla!talkaboutchanglng
themeanlngolthe\eddlngllght.lromlrstlntercourse
to launchlngthecouple ssexualcareer,wlthtouchlngand
talklng. !t sahardselllntradltlonal, procreatlon-orlented
cultures, but! mtrylng.
` FlI0in8IV0 C0Xu8lI_
\hetherwe knowltornot,alotolourpatlentsexpress
theirsexualityoutsideoltraditionalboundaries.1hey re
lnto S/M,three-somes,commerclalsex,chatrooms,seml-
publlcsex,swlngclubs, andletlshesllkegloves(rubber,
leather,lace) orhlghheels (thelrownorothers , klsslng
them,wearlngthem, belngsteppedonbythem) . Andol
courseourpatlentsarelnvolvedwlthtabooactlvltlesthat
are hardlynon-tradltlonalallalrsandpornography, lor
example.
So howdowedealwlththeselormsolsexual
expresslons?\lthoutspeclaltralnlng,we relyonwhatwe
alreadyhaveourownbellels (preudlces?) ,ourown
experiences (positive ornegative) , andthevaguely
susplclous,sllghtlynegatlve,andaltogetherconventlonal
sexual attltude olourprolesslon.
Psychologlstsarecommlttedtolooklngbeyondthe
contentolpatlents storlesandllves,andlocuslngon
sltuatlonalandpsychologlcaldynamlcs. Eutthls
commltmentoltendwlndleswhenthesubectlssex.
\hereaswedon tusuallytellpatlentshowtorunthelr
llves, weoltentellthemwhatnotto dosexually,whereas
wedon tusuallytellthemwhetheroneoranotherapproach
tolllels normal (evenlltheyask' ) , weeagerlyoplneon
thenormalltyolthelrsexllveslreguently pathologlzlng
whattheydo ordeslre.
Physlclanshavelearnedtotalktopatlentsabout
lllestyletradeolls, lorexample,orthopedlstsroutlnelytell
patlentsthatlltennlsbrlngsthempleasure,maybeacceptlng
allttle kneepalnlsagoodcholce.\hlledoctorsgenerally
looktopatlents valuesandllles(lewhenconslderlng
lnterventlons,theyareoltentoo uncomlortabletodothat
regardlngsex,substltutlngmorallzlnglormedlclne.
Manypatientslivewithyearsolsecrecyandshame,
whlchalmostalwayshurtsthemlarmorethanwhatever
thelrsexualprelerencesare. !seementearlullyconlessto
masturbatlnglnto thelrwlle spantles, lorexample,and
womenanxlouslyconlesstothlnklngaboutanotherwoman
lnorderto cllmaxwlthaboylrlend. Oecades olhldlngand
leellnggulltyundermlnebothsexuallunctlonandlntlmacy.
Olten,suchpeople losethelrdeslrebecause, unconsclously,
lt stheeaslestwaytodlstancethemselveslromthelrpaln.
\henpatlentsaskustolxthelrsexuallty,weshouldgo
very,veryslowly. Ourlnltlalgoalshouldbesympathlzlng
withtheirsecrecyand shame, notchangingtheirsexual
expresslon. !lthelattercomesupatallandltmaynot, ll
weellectlvelytreatthelremotlonalpalnltshouldbeatthe
endoltreatment, notthebeglnnlng.
\ealsoneedtounderstandthatmanyaspectsol
alternatlverelatlonshlpsarenotnecessarllyaboutthe
sexual dynamlc.\hen couples who happllyswlngcan t
agreeonwhetherthelrkldshouldhavetoearnhls
allowanceorgetltlree, oronhowto dealwlththeln-laws,
orwhattodoaboutoneolthembelngchronlcallylate, thelr
swlnglnglsprobablylrrelevant.Peoplelntosexual
expresslonsllkeblsexuallty, S/M, orrole-playlnghavethe
samerest-ol-a-lllethatmoretradltlonal people have. So
whenlacedwlthapatlentlnvolvedlnalternatlvesexual
experiences, don tbetooguicktomakethatthecenterpiece
olthepatlent sllleoryourtreatment.Howeverdllllcultlt
ls,don tletyourowndlscomlortundermlnethehelplul
neutralltythatallpatlentsneed.
Vh0n JhS FiU8Ch Lh8ll0n_0S Ih0
LlnC8n
Sincemostcliniciansare marinatinginthesamedistorted,
sex-negatlvecultureasourpatlents,weshouldassumethat
we veall lnternallzedsomeverslon olthellmltedbellel
systemabout normalsexand perlormancethathaunts
ourpatlents. Andso,llwesuccesslully challenge our
patlents alleglance tothlswayolthlnklng,wewlll
lnevltablyconlrontourownalleglancetothesame
dyslunctlonalldeas.
1hlscanbegultespectacular.
Youmlghtactuallybecomeawareolyourown
lnellglble/lnadeguate narratlve.Youmlghtreallzethat
youleelresentlul orsell-criticalaboutthewaysinwhich
you veacceptedothers llmltatlonsolyoursexuallty, or
lmposedllmltatlonsonyoursell.Youmlghtdlscoverthat
you restllllnsomesexualclosetorotherregardlngyour
mate.
Youmlghtbecomeealousolpatlentswho llberate
themselves.Youmlghtresentthelrspouseswhotryto
preventthat.Youmlght become nervousaboutthelmpulses
lnsldeyouthatyouvesalelytuckedawayaslmpractlcal,
notnormal,ornotreal. Andyoumlghtleelgrlelover
whatyouveglvenup,soldtoo cheaply,ordonewlthout
reallzlnglt.
Crlellsanlmportantstagelneventuallyappreclatlng
whowehavebecome, andwhat snowavallablelorusto
pursue.veryone salraidtogrieve, although weallwant
the serenlty andenergy onthe other slde olgrlel. You
know, veryonewantstogetto heaven,butnobodywants
todle. . . . ``
_ ndix
1dDu dSSd@c D 1XcI61Sc
OecldewhowlllbepartnerAandwhowlllbepartnerE. !t
doesn tmatterwhichiswhich.
1hlsasslgnmenttakeslvemlnutes.Pleasedoltwlthout
theradlo or1Von, whenyouhaveabltolprlvacy,and
awaylromyourcellphones.Isesomehand lotlonany
brandortypels lne. Startbywashlnganddrylngyour
hands. 1heneachpersonshouldrubatlnybltollotlon on
thelrownhands,ustto smoothoutanyroughspots.
A, takeoneolE shandslnyours.RubthathandIor
|oorown!eaoreand1nteret. Perhapsyouwanttocheck
outthelngernallsorcallusesorplump places. Youmay
wanttorub thehandvlgorouslyorgently, oralternate.E,
don '/sa|or!nd!ca/ea!nno sighsorlacesorwords
olencouragementunlesslthurtsortlckles.!nthatcase,
pleasesayso,andllso,Ashouldchangewhatshe/hels
dolng.
A, rubthlshandloronemlnute.Iookatltwhlleyou re
dolngso.Alteramlnute,putthlshanddown, andtakeE s
otherhand. Rubthlshandloramlnute, butthlstlme dolt
IorS'!eaoreandenoent. E, thlstlme oeword or
oondtoletAknowhowyoullkewhatshe or he ls dolng.
Oon ttellAwhattodo,ustrespondtowhatAlsdolngso
thatAknowswhetherto contlnueortochange. A, respond
toE sleedback,whllealsorubblngthlshandlnthevarlous
waysthatoccurtoyou.Alteronemlnute,putthlshand
down.
1henswitchE,takeoneolA shandsandrubit
accordlngtoyourownlnterests.Alteramlnute,takeA s
otherhandandrubl t wlththegoalolglvlnghlmorher
enoyment.Rememberto lookatthehandyou rerubblng.
Alterwards, sayalewwordstoeachotheraboutsome
aspectolyourexperlence. !lyoubothwantto havealonger
conversatlon,goahead.Attheveryleast, eacholyou
shouldsayonethlngthatwaslnterestlngaboutthlstlme
together.
NarI_ hun, h. .
CertlledSex1heraplst
IlcensedMarrlageandFamlly1heraplst
?439ElrchStreet,?
PaloAlto, CA94306
650-856-6533
!lelnCSexd.org
6KDOw16u
@
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End!econterat1onandth1nI1naboote. th1ma|
oond!t1e the1dea!!iIe, andma|be1t1. Sot1t 'a!o ter|
hard worI. |ndertand1noneoIthemotbedewand
beo1hnto1c1na!loI homaneer1ence 1 d1co!t
enooh. Attemt1n tohaethatondertand1n1nto
recon1.ab!e1dea, andtocommon1cate thoe1dea1n
come!hn, new, andhe!Io! wa|snowthat!sIrostrat!n,
oIten oterwhe!m1n, ter|hardworI. 1tma|be the1dea!
!1/e, botdon 'troman/ici.e the worI.
Fortunately,!don thaveto do ltalone.!havegenerous
partnerslorthoseendlessconversatlons,smartand
experlenced prolesslonalswhoeagerlyconsldermy latest
thoughts.1hls book lslnlormedbydozensanddozensand
dozensollate-nlght, early-mornlng, andcreatlve whatll
conversatlons.Andso!thankmy partners-ln-thought. Vena
Elanchard, Ooug Eraun-Henry, IarryHedges, Oagmar
Herzog, Paul]oannldes, andCharlesMoser.
Andwhllewedon ttalkol|enenough, alwayslearn
somethlngwhen!dlscussthelntersectlonsolcultureand
sexualltywlthmy palsllyn Eader, MlckeyOlamond,Elll
Flsher,MellssaFrltchle,Meg!aplan, Olck!rueger,]anet
Iever, OebIevlne, PeterPearson, Pepper Schwartz, Elll
1averner, and Carol1avrls.MeganAndellouxmade helplul
comments onanearlydralt.
SusanEoydhas generously helped meunderstandthe
relevanceolmyworklnthenewworldolsoclal medla.
Iooklngatmyworkthroughherlnslghtlul,worldlyeyes
hastaughtmeagreatdeal.
VeronlcaRandallhasonceagalnshapedmythlnklng,
andthereloremywrltlng. !ntheearlystagesolthlsbook,
shesucceededinshowingmewhatwouldn twork.As
always,shedldltasgentlyasyou dhandleasgulrmylamb.
MlchaelCastlemanlsaspeclallrlendandcolleague
(andagreatwrlter) . !knowhedoesn texactlymeanto, but
he sconstantlydemandlngthat!clarllywhat!want,what
! mtrylngtosay, andwhy. 1heconstancyolhlsallectlon
andrespectregardlessolmyanswersmakeshlsguestlons
allthemorepowerlul. He salsodonemore to easemelnto
thepost-prlntworldolwrltlngthananyoneelse.
Ooug!lrbyand]ackMorlnarehlghlyaccompllshed
anddearlrlends.1helrconldencelnmyabllltyhashelped
methroughmorethanoneboutolwonderingwhat,exactly,
wasthepolntolwrltlngyetanotherbook. Fordecadeswe
have been lnvestlgatlngboth sexuallty andllletogether. As
aresult,!amabettersexologlstandabetterman.
rlcErandtbroughtthebooktoHarperOne.Ourlnghls
tenurewlthme, hlshandwaswarmandvaluable.
!verymuchappreclatemyedltor, ClndyOl1lberlo.
\lthenthuslasmandlnslght,shedldsomethlngthatall
edltorsattemptandlewaccompllshshemadethlsbook
better.
!l !woreahat,! dgratelullytlplttomyagent,\lll
Iippincott.\illisanold-lashionedgentleman,witha
thoroughlymodernsenslblllty. Onmybehall,heelegantly
navlgatestheworld smostarcanelndustrywlthanuncanny
understandlngolbothltandme. \eareadlstlnctlyodd
coupleandhegenerously, graclously, makesltworklor
botholus.
Andmywlle?Mypatlent, lnslghtlul, llterate, lovlng
wlle?Aw,don tgetme started,thatwouldtakeawhole
otherbook. All! llsay ls, llyouknewher,you denvyme.
OOu||L6u|LO1
111111D, 111. habeena!icenedmarr1aeand
Iam1!|/hera1/andcer/1nede/hera1/Iormore/han
/h1rq|ear. AIormercon/r1bo/ined1/or/o 7heNew
Ph|1cian, Amer1canSabandAodeISr1de, heha
wr1//enIorAademo1e!le, Aen '(oorna!, Paren/, and
P!a|bo a we!laP|cho!o|7oda|. comand
A!/erNe/. or. Asooh/-aI/er!ec/orerandcoor/room exer/,
K!e1n ha been qoo/ed1nNewweeI, 7heNeworIer, and
/heNeworI 71me.!ehaaearedon 7lhow
1nclod1n20/20, N1h/!ine, andPenn 7e!ler. K!e1n!ite
1nPa!oA!/o, ta!1/oI1a; t11/h1ma/ www. eed. or.
1o bookMarly!leln lor aspeaklngengagemenl,vlsll
www.harpercolllnsspeakers.com.
Vlsltwww. Author1racker.comlorexcluslvelnlormatlonon
yourlavorlteHarperColllnsauthors.
1t31Sc
NarI_ huns Ihu bIuVu]Obs OsuXadVcu.He
takescomplexlssuesanddlstlllsthemdowntothelr
essence. 5eoa!1nte!l1encelsaworkolenormouswlsdom,
andwllllnsplrereaderstoreallzethelrlullsexual
potentlal.`
!Al!RlR, PH.O. , authorol5he tomeF1rt
!lyoureadonlyonebookonsexandrelatlonshlpsdurlng
yourentlrellletlme,thls shouldbelt. Or. !lelnconlronts
theproblemsthathave plagued couplesslnce thebeglnnlng
oltlmewlthrelreshlnglyslmpleandbrllllantlnslght.
PAII]OAll!OS, PSY. O. , authorolCo1de to
Cet/in1tOn
A calmvolce olreasonat the centerolthe stormraglng
aroundsexlnAmerlca. Helsawelcome antldote to the
unavoidablesexualdillicultieswealllace.
CHR!S1OPHRRYAl, PH.O. , coauthorol5eat
Iawn
!nsteadolamanualolbettertrlcks,thlsbooklsapractlcal
plantoimproveyourrelationshipwithyoursexuali(. !lein
llberatesandprovokesandlllumlnatesthewaytochange
yoursexualexperlencelorgood.
S1HR PRI, authorolAat1n1ntat1t1t|
!lelncoversthebaslcsandnot-so-baslcwlthwlsdom,
humor,andtheexperlenceolaseasonedtheraplst.1hlsls
aneasy-to-read,smartbookwlthloadsollnlormatlonand
advlce. Anlmportant contrlbutlontotheleldandtothe
reader.
PPPR SCH\AR1Z, PH.O. , sex/relatlonshlpexpert,
AARP, chlelrelatlonshlpexpert, PerlectMatch.com
C|L6t HOtKS
JH!KK5YlAKJYK!!!N
oor5eoa!5ecret.
|hen toKee 7hem, |henand!owto 7e!l
AIAeAn|th1n.
Ir. K!e!nAnswers the5eQoest!ons oo'dIove toAsI
LetAetoontthe |a|.
I1coter1n Creat5e |1thoot1ntercoore
Se|ondOram.
Iare toSe!onetAbootthe5e ooPea!l||ant
Amer1ca ' |aron5e.
7heAttacIonLaw,LotandL1bert|
CI6u1/S
toterde1n.LaoraSeerIe1n
Coverphotograph. ' lStockphoto.com
C_/
1heIndIvIduaIexperIencesrecountedInthIsbookaretrue. Hovever,
namesanddetaIIshavebeenchangedto protecttheIdentItIesoIthose
InvoIved.
SI`\PI !NJ!II!G!NC!. DOl 0 10O11 OHl !1OH O0AOHO 1OW lO
C0l 1l. CopyrIght" 0!bylartyKIeIn, Ih.O.AIIrIghtsreserved
undcr!ntcrnatonaI andIan-AmcrcanCopyrght Convcntons. y
payment oIthereguIredIees,youhave been grantedthenonexcIusIve,
nontransIerabIerIghtto access andreadthetextoIthIse-bookon-
screen. NopartoIthIstextmaybereproduced, transmItted,
dovnIoaded, decompIIed, reverseengIneered, orstoredInor
IntroducedIntoanyInIormatIonstorageandretrIevaIsystem, Inany
Iormorbyanymeans,vhethereIectronIcormechanIcaI,novknovn
orhereInalIerInvented, vIthoutthe expressvrIttenpermIssIonol
HarperCoIIInse-books.
HarperCoIIInsvebsIte. http.llvvv. harpercoIIIns.com
HarperCoIIIns ', G ', andHarperne"aretrademarksoI
HarperCoIIInsIubIIshers.
!IISJ IO!!!C^
11D1O1 O! COH_10SS COlO1O_1H_-1H-1OD1COl1OH 1OlO
KIeIn,larty.
5exuaIInteIIIgence.vhatvereaIIyvantIromsexandhovto get
ItlbylartyKIeIn. !st ed.
p. cm.
!5N978-0-0G-0G0G-4
!Iub!dItIon" }ANLAKY0!!5N97800G098o80
!.5ex.. 5exInstructIon. !.JItIe.
HQ! .KoJ44 0!
b1d.bUCd
1 11
1 1 d 1 1b 1b I!O[H) 1 o 1 b b d 1
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1OO/DO/6S
_KeproducedInAppend.
_JhemuItIpIeorgasmsomevomenexperIencecanaIsobeeasIIy
dravnonthIsdIagram.!tIooksIIkeaserIesoIvavesaIternatIng
betveenorgasmandpIateauvIthoutgoIngaIIthevaydovnto
resoIutIon.
_!ormoreInIormatIononcontraceptIveeIIectIvenessandsIdeeIIects,
seevebpagesIIke Vomen` sHeaIth at
http.llvomensheaIth.abouLcomlcslbIrthcontroIlaleIIectIvenessbc.htm,
or ComparIng!IIectIvenessoIIrthControIlethods at
http.ll.pIannedparenthood.orglheaIth-topIcslbIrth-controIlbIrth-
controI-eIIectIveness-chart-7!0.htm. VhenpursuIngcontraceptIve
suppIIes, advIce, orInIormatIon, makesureyou`redeaIIngvIthan
organIzatIonthatenthusIastIcaIIysupportstheavaIIabIIItyanduseoI
contraceptIon.NoteveryorganIzatIonpurportIngto gIve advIce or
InIormatIon doesthatandthey`renotaIvayshonestaboutIt.
_5ee5J!pIcturesathttp.llv .avert.orglstd-pIctures.htm orCoogIe
5J!symptomspIctures) .
_!orstarters,usetherIghtsIze, buyaIev dIIIerentbrands,and
compare.lakesureyouandyourpartneraretouchIngorkIssIng
vhIIethe condom goeson.AsItdoes, putaIevdropsoIvater-based
notoII-based) IubebothInsIdethecondomandoutsIdetopromote
thetransIeroIbothheatandpressureInothervords,oIsensatIon) .
IerIodIcaIIy,youoryourpartnershouIdreachdovnandmakesurethe
condom IssnugatthebaseoIthepenIsaIoveIyopportunItyto stroke
theoIten-Ignoredscrotum baIIs, nutsack).!ormoretIps,seean
aduItsexedbookorvIdeo.
_Icourse,youaIsoneedtheemotIonaIskIIIsto lO101Ol0 D01H_ lDOl
COS0 to anotherpersonandtheIrbody.VedIscussedsomeoIthese
skIIIsIntheprevIouschapter,andvIIIcontInueIaterInthIschapter.
_JherearevaystoImproveyourproprIoceptIonandkInesthetIc
avareness.JheHrststepIsgettIng assessedbyaneuroIogIst,
physIatrIst, orsportsmedIcInespecIaIIst.lodaIItIessuchas
!eIdenkreIs,IIIates,andAIexanderJechnIguecanbeheIpIuIIn
IncreasIngyour body avareness and IearnIng to seII-monItor, aIong
vIthyoga, taIchI,uggIIng, andvorkIngvIthatraIneronavobbIe
board, baIancebaIIs, andothergymeguIpment.
_lanycIInIcaIproIessIonsoIIer successIuIvaysoIenhancIngcomIort
vIth, andInterestIn, touch. physIcaIandoccupatIonaItherapIsts,yoga,
dance, andmassageInstructors,psychoIogIsts,sextherapyvItha
surrogatepartner, andhypnotherapIstsvho do guIdedvIsuaIIzatIons.
CoupIes canpartIcIpateInmostoIthesemodaIItIestogether.
_VhendeaIIngvIthdesIredIscrepancIesorcompIaIntsabout
pornographyuse, manytherapIstsmakethIssamemIstakeInsIstIng
thattheIov-desIrepartnerstopmasturbatIngInorderto IncreasehIsor
herdesIreIorpartnersex. !IyoucanactuaIIygetsomeone to
masturbate Iess uncommonInmycIInIcaIexperIence) , ItrareIy
accompIIshes anythIng. 5eeAppendIx ! vrIttenIorandabout
proIessIonaIs) IordetaIIs.