To: Professor Carolyn Clark, Dept.

of Communication From: Raquel Smith Date: November 11, 2013 RE: Interpersonal Change Project Journal #1 I decided to make listening my interpersonal change topic. I chose this topic because when it is a constant frustration that comes up when my husband and I have any conflicts. My husband often expresses to me that he doesnt feel heard and that he doesnt feel validated or understood. Throughout this memo I will keep log my experiences and progress made. Entry 1 October 11, 2013 Today is my first day implementing skills I have learned to better listen to my husband. Today my main focus is on the Selecting process. The Selecting Process: A process of choosing one sound while sorting through various sounds competing for your attention (Beebe, 2008 p 119). My husband and I are both off of work today and are doing projects around the house. I was vacuuming when my husband walked up to me and told me something. I was unable to make out exactly what he had said but I heard enough to know he had said something about Home Depot. Typically I realized I would have just nodded and continued vacuuming even though I really didnt hear exactly what he said. Instead I implemented what I have learned about the Selecting process and turned off the vacuum. I then said Hey hon, sorry I really didnt hear what you said. Can you repeat that for me. Husband: Yea sure, I was just going to let you know that we need to make a trip to home depot so I am going really quick. Thanks for clarifying with me though. I benefited from using The selecting process because I actually had a few things he could pick up for me while he was there. I realized that by eliminating the noise that I could I could actually hear what my husband was trying to say to me. Entry 2 October 12th, 2013 In todays experience I was able to work on the attending process. My husband came home from work and had a bad day. It was clear that he really wanted to talk to me about what had happened at work and really wanted my attention. Unfortunately, I had a lot of homework I had to do and really wanted to just listen to him while simultaneously doing my homework. At first I did just that I continued to type while he was emotionally telling me about his day. It was after he quickly started that I realized I was not attending the conversation. My husband stopped mid sentence and said, Kelly, I know you have a lot of homework but what I have to say is very important to me do you mind listening to me? I dont really feel like when your typing you can really understand what Im saying. I responded, Sure, Im sorry your right you now have my undivided attention. Then I put my homework down for ten minutes to listen to my husband. Being attendant in the conversation is more then just hearing the words they are saying its the process of focusing on a

particular sound or message (Beebe 2008, pp 119) I look back on that situation and realize no wonder my husband has been feeling as if I dont hear him. It was a good lesson learned. Entry 3 October 14th, 2013 Todays topic I have been working on understands my husband. I always though that I understood my husband pretty well but there are many occasions that my husband tells me I dont. So I thought that this process would be difficult for me to get the hang of. I was able to try out what I had learned when my husband and me started to talk about our plans for Thanksgiving. His parents want us to spend time with them on Thanksgiving but since they leave in California we will have to be traveling during the holidays, which I really dislike. So our conversation to work out this issue went like this. Me: So what do you want to do for Thanksgiving? Husband: I would really like to see my parents even though it means we would have to travel during the holidays it would mean a lot to me. I havent been home for Thanksgiving in three years will you please considering going. I didnt respond immediately; I took time to really think about what it was that my husband was saying. He was telling me to consider dealing with holiday crowds at the airport so he could see his family. I took the time necessary to understand where it was he was coming from. Finally I responded. Me: I see where your coming from and I know how much it means to you to see your family for Thanksgiving. I think going to California for Thanksgiving will be nice. I assigned meaning to the sounds and constructed meaning (Beebe, 2008 pp. 119) Using this technique really went a long way my husband later told me how much it meant to him that I took the time out to understand where he was coming from. Entry 4 October 17th, 2013 Todays I worked on Remembering. I didnt realize that researchers theorize that you store every detail you have ever heard or witnessed; your mind operates like a hard drive on a computer (Beebe, 2008 pp120). When I first read that I didnt know if I really believed that theory. I feel like especially lately I have a hard time remembering anything. So today I decided to try out something I had never done before. I decided to listen to what my husband said to me for one hour intently. Then after that hour was up I was going to try and write down everything that I remembered he said during that one hour. I was really surprised to what I discovered during that experiment. I noticed that when I actually listened to my husband when he talked to me, didnt allow myself to be distracted I was able to remember everything my husband had said to me that hour. Now I no one hour may not seem that long but it proved to me that I remember what people say to me when I actually listen to what they are saying.

Entry 5 October 21st, 2013 Todays I worked on the way I respond to my husband. This was a difficult technique for me because I tend to use a lot of nonverbal communication and not respond the best. The book states responses can be nonverbal; direct eye contact and head nods let your partner know your tuned in (Beebe 2008 pp 120). Today my husband and I started to argue about whos turn it was to clean the dishes. To avoid arguing I decided I would just do them. I said to him that I wasnt mad but I noticed that I started to bang pots and pans around alluding to my frustration. I realized that my non-verbal response was saying I was mad even though my verbal response didnt say anything. I decided to stop and walk away from the situation for a minute and allow myself to calm down before I started to do the dishes again. This really helped my response to the situation preventing it from really turning into an argument. Event 6 October 25th, 2013 Today I decided to work on being self-absorbed when I listen. The book states, self absorbed listeners are focused on their needs rather than on yours (Beebe 2008 pp.124) I read this and never want my husband to think of me as a self absorbed listener. So today I tried to really focus on this. Around six I asked my husband what it was he wanted to eat he said, Id really like some pizza. Since I really didnt feel like pizza I began to respond and say why dont we eat something else. But I realized that would be an example of me being self-absorbed. Instead I replied with, Ok pizza sounds good we can eat that, however if you feel like anything else let me know because Im up for a couple of options. We ended up eating pizza but I felt a lot better knowing that I wasnt self-absorbed with my listening. Even 7 October 28th, 2013 Today was a tough day for me. I came home from a long day at work and had to cook dinner and finish homework before my day was done. I wasnt really in the mood to do any of my tasks much less deal with talking to anyone. When my husband came home he was in a very talkative mood and that kind of annoyed me since I wasnt. I thought that today would be the perfect day to work on unchecked emotions. The book says, un checked emotions can interfere with focusing on the message of another. (Beebe 2008 pp.125) My emotions when my husband came home today were definitely unchecked. I was in a pretty bad mood and it was rubbing off on the way I was communicating with him. For me when I feel like I have an overload of unchecked emotions I go on a walk or try to exert some built up energy. Today I walked out of the house and took my dog on a little walk. I was able to have some alone time, collect my thoughts, meditate a little and by the time I came back home I had my emotions in check and was able to prevent any conflict that might have occurred. Overall I was really impressed with how working on this technique really helped.

Event 8 October 30th, 2013 Today overall has been a pretty good day. My husband and I decided to go to the library together and do some homework. While we were on our way my husband brought up some of the current events with our government situation. This already is a touchy subject so I automatically started to subconsciously criticize his views and what he had to say. I decided I would put into action what I had learned about criticizing the speaker. Being critical of the speaker may distract a listener from focusing on the message. (Beebe, 2008 pp.126) Going into this conversation I decided to try and not criticize my husbands message or views he was expressing. This was harder than I thought since I have heard his opinions before I just expected them to be the same. But when I gave him a chance and really listened I realized we had more similar views than I had originally thought. I also realized that we actually agreed on the current views at hand. This was a big eye opener for me. Had I not stopped and listened with out being critical I might still think that my husband and I dont agree on certain current events. Event 8 November 5th, 2013 Since I know that my husband feels like he is misunderstood when we argue today was particularly hard. I have been really working on all of the methods I have learned regarding listening and responding. My husband and I got in an argument today and I really wanted to make sure I understood how and what he was saying. My husband didnt feel like we should get some couches that I really wanted. I tried to listen to what he was saying and understand where he was coming from. But I realized that maybe I was so concerned with making sure I didnt misunderstand him that I actually ended up misunderstanding him. I was experiencing listener Apprehension. The book reads, Because some people are nervous of missing the message, they do misunderstand the message. (Beebe 2008, pp 127) So when my husband was done expressing his feelings I then summarized what he said back to him and then ended with is that what you are telling me did I understand you? My husband was able to tell me that I had understood him and we were on the same page. Just summarizing what my husband had said back to him gave me peace of mind that I understood him and that he knew I understood him. Overall it was a good day and good experience. In conclusion, I was really impressed with how implementing the skills I have learned really have shaped the way I communicate, not just with my husband but all relationships in my life. I plan on continuing to improve in these skills and hope to continue to see the positive effects it will have in my life. References: Beebe et al. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson [Allyn & Bacon]