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Brooke Staples Professor Bangerter English 1010 December 9, 2013 Children and Divorce: Decisions that Effect Destiny Marriage is defined in Oxfords English Dictionary as an intimate union or the merging and blending of two things. (Snyder) Many times marriage in society is supposed to last a couples lifetime, or in some religions until eternity. The purpose of marriage in society, then, is meant to create an environment of union, stability, and love in order to blend the differences of its members. This union will then allow each person be able to rely on one another for help and guidance through life. But, today this purpose seems to be of little importance to those who engage in marital relationships. With the rising incidence of divorce all around the world, many are being unfaithful to these eternal bonds of holy matrimony and this unity of love is being lost. Is this right or wrong? Well, it depends on which person of the family is addressed. For themselves, each parent feels like this separation will allow them to be happier, and less involved in conflict. For the couple together, it also seems right to end the relationship, settle the differences, and move on with life as they both each constitute separately. What many couples are unaware of, however, is the affect that their decision to get divorced has on their children, their future extended family, and society. This paper will focus on the varying positive and negative impacts divorce has on the children specifically, who have little input on the decision itself, but are quite significantly affected in the aftermath.

According to the United States Census in 2012, 48 percent of males and 55 percent of females in the population had received a divorce in the past year. According to this data, these numbers constitute about 1,099,000 males and 1,220,000 females. Over 1 million couples went through a divorce in this year alone. Interestingly enough, these numbers have actually decreased since the previous ten years where the divorce rates were at closer to 1,200,000 for both male and female. Out of the married population, the divorce rate averages at about 48 percent. (U.S Census) While there seems to be an insignificant increase between these consecutive years, many would agree that this is happening more than desired, and obviously more than anyone has planned. No one plans to get a divorce when they get married, so why is it happening so often? And how can we fix how this is affecting children in society? Psychologically, the decision to pursue a divorce is very heartbreaking and dramatic, involving multiple steps in the ladder of a family. In an article written by a marital research team at Utah State University, it states that divorced individuals have many setbacks. These include, being more socially isolated, broken relationships with God and religion, stressful future romantic relationships, emotional and legal attachment to ones ex-spouse, and most importantly relationships with ones children. (Waite, Gallagher) On the other side, a different article states that divorce can increase individual well-being and physical health, decrease risk of depression, anxiety and problematic health. (Beach) Obviously these impacts will not only effect the parents, but the children who are being engaged in this emotional turmoil and problematic behavior. Up another step of the ladder, we encounter the effects on the family and extended family. Broken legal ties break bonds between many members of a family decrease the likelihood of those relationships being continued or healthy. Relationships with in-laws, and now an ex-spouse are many times permanently cut off and both sides are forced to coincide with the idea to just

disagree and separate. The most important part of the family and this discussion that is being affected, is the children. When discussing what happens to children during and after a divorce has occurred, there is a lot to consider. First of all, the decision of who will get either joint or shared custody of the child influences where the child lives, the living rights, who makes the decisions about the childs upbringing, and many other factors. In the legal encyclopedia, it goes through the different stages and types of custody. It states that, a parent with legal custody can make decisions about schooling, religion, and medical care, for example. In many states, courts regularly award joint legal custody, which means that the decision making is shared by both parents. (Lyster) Having these responsibilities shared can either be good or bad while the child gets entangled in these negotiations. If the parents dont agree, the child is fought over and think that they are now a piece of negotiation not a child with potential. Positively, the child is no longer forced to be around negative influences that will lower self-esteem, encourage abuse, or deny them of future opportunities that these parents together were unable to uphold. This is if the parents are able to get along civilly and spend quality time with them whenever this time is allowed. Negatively, this childs life and stability is being completely uprooted and they are then made to adjust to having a single parent, with new psychological damage and commitment issues. Either way divorce causes quite the opposite of a subtle change in every persons life. At such a young age, children that become victims of divorce have to adjust the most to a choice they didnt even agree to in the first place. The positive outlook of such a drastic change like this can be very significant. A recent article in the Huffington post gives 5 reasons that divorce can be good for kids. Some of the reasons included are: increased happiness, an overall more relaxed family relationship, an

example to the child of what qualities they should require in future relationships, the opportunity for the children to experience the parents separately and more intimately, and last they are able to watch a better relationship grow in future endeavors. (Bennet) Escaping from things like physical, psychological and emotional abuse can also be beneficial to the children in the long run. Its hard to believe that some people get a divorce just for their kids, because many times getting a divorce seems negative for the opposite of many of these reasons. But, as it states, when someone is able to make a decision and allow themselves to be happy, the overall environment for a family is healthier and in the long term will give many children a better opportunity to realize what makes a marriage work. Making these decisions seems like it is selfish and difficult, but many times it is made for good reason and with substantial effort. On the other hand, the negative effects to children whose parents have been through a divorce can be likewise substantial. In a study done by a California psychologist, Dr. Wallerstein, it was discovered that 10 years after a divorce 34% of children in the study were doing well. Another 37% were depressed, could not concentrate in school, had trouble making friends and suffered a wide range of behavior problems. This 37 percent was compared to a figure of a natural disaster, where only that rate of children suffering the same sudden serious psychological problems would be found. Many different causes of these problems were then discovered and analyzed. One is the feeling a child has to take on responsibilities for the lost parent, called overburdened syndrome. The others found were fear of betrayal brought out in future relationships, lack of stability in a home, and unnecessary sacrifices made in social circumstances to be able to pursue relationships with the childs parents. (Jost and Robinson) Statistically, it seems that the negative effects seem to be much more drastic psychologically than the benefits.

Effects none the less have shown all throughout society in this country and around the world. Crimes are increasing, but better and stronger marriages are coming about as a result as well. School attendance can be lacking and social challenge may come up, but future endeavors for parents are bringing more happiness and decreasing the chances of future abuse and heartache for children. Commitment and a desire to feel loved is ever prominent, but as the parents engage in other endeavors they are able to provide a better example of love and lasting care. Traveling back and forth between parents can take a lot of time, energy and money out of a childs life, but as they do this there is the possibility for increased opportunities to get closer with ones parent and be able to see them happy and without contentment with their divorced spouse. Probably the most concerning of these issues is the likelihood that children victimized in divorce are to get a separation themselves. It has been stated that divorce between a man and a woman is 50 percent more likely if their parents had gone through a divorce throughout their childhood. In this same article it states after all those divorces in years past, it's no surprise that in modern-day couples at least one or both partners come from a family with divorced parents. (Chen) This is no surprise with the ease of the process a couple has to go through in order to get a divorce. Either a couple files for divorce through the processes of the state, or they file a petition to get it approved by a judge in court. This sounds like something that anyone could do with the right amount of money and desire to. In conclusion, although divorce is an individual decision, it impacts more than those individuals who are directly involved in the process. By impacting the structure of the family, you are completely changing the main structure of society. Good or bad, the family structure is completely torn apart and turned straight upside down. Most importantly, however, is the drastic

impact that divorce has children as bystanders in this decision. Emotionally, psychologically, physically, and socially children are forced to adjust to a new way of life and a choice to try and continue relationships with their parents even though they are separated. Everywhere throughout the United States these changes are always happening, and are more prominent than many can even recognize. As one evaluates the changes each member of the family has to go through in the process, who is most important? We as the United States of America need to decide whose lives we want to change the most. For someone who is impacted so significantly both positive and negative, children sure should have more say than they do now.

Works Cited Beach, Steven. Conflict in Marriage: Implications of Working with Couples. PubMed, Annual Reviews. 8 August 1999. Web. Bennet, Shoshanna. Divorce and Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids. Huffington Post. 18 May 2012. Web. Chen, Stephanie. Children of Divorce Vow to Break Cycle: Create Enduring Marriages. CNN. 22 September 2010. Web. Jost, Kenneth and Robinson Marilyn. Children and Divorce. CQ Researcher. 7 June 1991. Web. Lyster, Mimi. Types of Child Custody: Learn the Difference Between Legal Custody, Physical Custody, Sole Custody and Joint Custody. NOLO Legal Encyclopedia. 12 September 2013. Web. U.S Census Bureau. Births, Deaths, Marriages, and Divorces: Marriages and Divorces. 2012 Statistical Abstract. 27 June 2012. Web. Snyder, M.H. Marriage in Extended Use. Oxford English Dictionary. 14 July 2011. Web. Waite, Linda and Gallagher, Maggie. What are the Possible Consequences of Divorce for Adults? Utah State University. March 2012: 93-108. Web.