Gu 1 Tian (Candice) Gu Kristen Foster CO 150, 401 22 November 2013 It can be a Good Choice for College Students to Delay

Sex in Relationships Three months ago, I was at a Girls Night with several girlfriends who graduated from the same senior high school. The girls present each had different dating experiences. Someone dated her ex for three months, while another was in a relationship with her ex for three years. However, their relationships all ended, because they had nothing to say with their ex and the initial passion for love disappeared. One girl, however, (lets call her H) has been in love with her boyfriend for over five years since senior high school and the most unbelievable thing is that they are still in the honeymoon stage! Besides Hs boyfriend is a considerate and romantic man, the main difference between H and the girls mentioned above is that H has never had sex with her boyfriend. Instead, they both have agreed to delay sex until marriage. Since should I have sex with my girlfriend/boyfriend is an inevitable question for everyone, the argument around this topic never ends. Also, with the launch of hookup apps in 2012 (Tsoulis-reay 33), the culture of hooking up is becoming more and more popular on campus, which to some extent indicates that the attitude of sex among college student tends to be more casual than before. However, compared with those who have sexual activities early in dates, college students who delay having sex until marriage will gain benefits for long-term relationships including higher stability and satisfaction for future marriage. So it can be a good choice for college students to abstain from sex in relationships.

Gu 2 In recent years, scholars have made several researches about the relationship between premarital sex and different aspects of future marriage. This research reveals that abstaining from sex in relationships has positive effects in several areas of future marriage including stability and satisfaction. For example, Dr. Busby, a professor of the Brigham Young University, reported that those who delay sexual intercourse in relationships gained higher satisfaction and sexual quality, greater stability and better communication in their future marriage (771). This claim is echoed by Legkauskas, who graduated from Cambridge University and later acquired her PhD degree in Lithuania. Her research shows that the more premarital sexual experiences men and women had, the less marital satisfaction they would have (25). Also, in the latest research, several possible reasons including the experience of abortions and concealing of past sexual experiences were indicated to support the result that premarital sex has negative effects on the quality and stability of future marriage (Ogunsola 232). Apart from the benefits for future marriage, abstaining from sex can also save money buying condoms, as well as decrease the risk of unintended pregnancy, which will economically, physically and psychologically benefit college students. According to one of my close friends personal experience, the average fee he spent on condoms and room rates at inns with his girlfriend was approximately one hundred dollars per month, which is one thousand and two hundred dollars per year and the total amount of which might increase when they hang out on holidays. The statistic my friend provided to me is quite reasonable by considering condoms of well-known brand for three dollars each and the average room rate for inns for sixty dollars per night, since most Chinese students live with their parents or in dormitories, the inns fee is inevitable.

Gu 3 Besides the large economic pressure of having sex, the high risk of unintended pregnancy will bring both physical and psychological damage for college students. According to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, a private, nonprofit, nonpartisan organization founded in 1996, Unplanned pregnancies increase the risk of dropping out or stopping out of college61% of women who have children after enrolling in community college fail to finish their degree, which is 65% higher than the rate for those who didnt have children. Additionally, women whose pregnancies are unplanned are more likely to experience postpartum depression and at increased risk of physical abuse as intended women who have an intended pregnancy (qtd. in Consequences of Unplanned Pregnancy 2). This claim is also echoed in a BBC opinion-editorial written by Jean Dreaper, a BBC health correspondent. She quoted that Data from 44 studies showed women with an unwanted pregnancy have a higher incidence of mental health problems in general. In addition to saving money and decreasing the risk of unintended pregnancy, trying to resist the temptation of sex can also help you strengthen your sense of responsibility, which is a crucial character to being a good spouse. The sense of responsibility here refers to refusing high-risk sex after drinking, seriously taking sex as a part of love and being optimistic about life. This can be supported by several studies. For example, Theodorus G.M. Sandfort, professor and Research Scientist at Columbia University reported that "men and women whose first sexual intercourse had occurred after marriage reported fewer sexual partners and were less likely to have had sexual intercourse with a risky partner in the preceding five years. Women whose first sexual intercourse had occurred after marriage were less likely to have had sexual intercourse under the influence of alcohol or drugs"(157). Additionally, women who made responsible sexual decisions frequently set goals, were optimistic about life, and were comfortable with their

Gu 4 sexuality. Oppositely, those who enjoyed casual sex were less often setting goals and more likely to become intoxicated (Moore 587). Especially for college women who are considering looking for the candidates to be future spouses, it is good for them to think about waiting for sex in relationships in order to test the true love of their partners, because surveys show that only 46.5% college men thought sex as a means of expressing love to ones partner, and often as a demonstration of commitment to the relationship. The other 53.5% hold the views that sex did not have to be connected with commitment or even it was primarily for entertainment and fun(Olmstead 567). These statistics show the general idea that sex doesnt mean love for most of the college men. In other words, those 46.5% have relatively higher sense of responsibility. Many have argued that not everyone is sexually compatible, so we should find out as soon as possible in order not to waste time on someone who is definitely not your Mr. Sexual Compatible (Ryan). It is true that sexual compatibility is such a crucial thing that to some extent, it determines whether a marriage is happy or not. Take the famous socialite Kim Kardashian as an example; it is said that she divorced her ex-husband 71 days after their wedding, because she was sexually unsatisfied with him. Whether the rumor is true or not, researchers do find that those who have less sexual satisfaction in marriage are more likely to divorce (Dzara 721). However, although sex has the important position in the marriage, it is not everything. It is the communication with each other, the expression of love, the shared interests and the same pursuit for life that construct a perfect marriage, which is much harder to be compatible than sex. Dr. Busby, who is focusing on the research of marriage relationships, sexuality, and relationship trauma, has also supported this argument. In his words, the mechanics of good sex are not particularly difficult or beyond the reach of most couples, but the emotions, the vulnerability, the

Gu 5 meaning of sex and whether it brings couples closer together are much more complicated to figure out(qtd. in Is No Sex the New Sex). Theres an old saying: In bad relationships, sex means everything; in good relationships, it means very little.Although the latter point is not reasonable enough, it does support that the spiritual things such as good communication and common interests are the kinds of compatibility that should be tested during a good relationship. Another argument against abstaining from sex is that many people think sex can improve the relationship. Admittedly, sex does make couples feel much better when they feel bored about each other or even worried about their relationship according to many of my friends experience. Research did find evidence as that relationship satisfaction increases so does sexual satisfaction and vice versa (qtd. in "The Mediating Role 412). However, this called improvement is usually temporary and wont last long as time goes by. The passion and freshness brought by sex will decrease progressively as the times you have sex with your partner increase, which means the improvement caused by sex-only is not credible. Take one of my girlfriends as an example; once she called me excitedly that she had had sex with her boyfriend two months later after they started dating. She described to me how perfect they were born to be a couple and made me believe she finally found her true love. However, several months later I was told they had broken up because they both were tired of each other. This example can prove the result reported by sex researchers Sarah Murray and Robin Milhausen, both of the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada, that Women lose interest in sex over time(qtd. in Why Women Lose) mainly because of the disappearing of passion. Two months later after we had Girls Night, I chatted with one of the broke up girls online. She told me every time her ex and she felt bored they had sex to kill time, which meant they never even tried to discover the common interest and value for life together. She now

Gu 6 learned her lesson and decided to delay sex in her next relationship, maybe until marriage, but by doing so she wants to try to pursue something deeper in the love, such as communication, common goal in life and admiration for each other in order to prepare for looking for the best candidate for the marriage. In conclusion, college students can benefit from delaying sex in relationships in several aspects from strengthening their character to preparing better marriages. No matter how many college couples you know have had sex, why not be a unique one and benefit yourself?

Gu 7 Work Cited Abbasi, Jennifer. Why Women Lose Interest in Sex. YAHOO News. 2013 Yahoo! Inc. 1 Feb. 2012. Web. 17 Nov. 2013. Busby, Dean M., Jason S. Carroll, and Brian J. Willoughby. "Compatibility Or Restraint? The Effects Of Sexual Timing On Marriage Relationships." Journal Of Family Psychology 24.6 (2010): 766-774. PsycARTICLES. Web. 2 Nov. 2013. Dreaper, Jane. Abortion does not raise mental health risk. BBC News. BBC, 9 Dec. 2011. Web. 11 Nov. 2013 Dzara, Kristina. "Assessing the Effect of Marital Sexuality on Marital Disruption." Social Science Research 39 (2010): 715-724. Science Direct. Web. 11 Nov. 2013 Legkauskas, Visvaldas, and Deralda Stankeviien. "Premarital Sex and Marital Satisfaction of Middle Aged Men and Women: A Study of Married Lithuanian Couples." Sex Roles 60.1/2 (2009): 21-32. Academic Search Premier. Web. 8 Oct. 2013. Mark, Kristen P., and Kristen N. Jozkowski. "The Mediating Role of Sexual and Nonsexual Communication between Relationship and Sexual Satisfaction in a Sample of CollegeAge Heterosexual Couples." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 39.5 (2013): 410427. Academic Search Premier. Web. 11 Nov. 2013. Moore, Nelwyn B., and J. Kenneth Davidson Sr. "College Women And Personal Goals: Cognitive Dimensions That Differentiate Risk-Reduction Sexual Decisions." Journal Of Youth & Adolescence 35.4 (2006): 574-586. Academic Search Premier. Web. 2 Nov. 2013. Ogunsola, Moses O. "Abstinence from Premarital Sex: A Precursor to Quality Relationship and Marital Stability in Subsequent Marriage in Nigerian Society." International Journal Of

Gu 8 Psychological Studies 4.2 (2012): 228-234. Academic Search Premier. Web. 20 Oct. 2013. Olmstead, Spencer, et al. "Sex, Commitment, And Casual Sex Relationships Among College Men: A Mixed-Methods Analysis." Archives Of Sexual Behavior 42.4 (2013): 561-571. Academic Search Premier. Web. 5 Nov. 2013. Ryan, Erin. 8 Reasons Premarital Boning Is Good for Both You and Society. Jezebel. 26 Sep. 2012. Web. 25 Oct. 2013. Sandfort, Theo G. M., et al. "Long-Term Health Correlates Of Timing Of Sexual Debut: Results From A National US Study." American Journal Of Public Health 98.1 (2008): 155-161. Academic Search Premier. Web. 2 Nov. 2013. The National Campaign. Consequence of Unplanned Pregnancy. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. The NC, May 2008. Web. 5 Nov. 2013 Tsoulis-reay, Alexa. "The Evolution Of The Hookup App." New York 46.23 (2013): 33. Academic Search Premier. Web. 16 Nov. 2013. Walshh.Wendy. Is No Sex the New Sex. Science of Relationships, 2013, www.scienceofrelationships.com. 18 Sep. 2013. Web. 2 Nov. 2013