Student Example 1 Professor Gifford English 114A September 24, 2013 People That Matter the Most As a young

kid I have always struggled with reading and writing, but through a various amount of people I have overcome these struggles. They have helped me progress to where I am now. These groups of people come from family, friends and also teachers. When it came to reading and wiring essays my mom and my sister were the ones always helping me the most. I dont have specific friends that have helped me, but through partnering up it has continued to improve my reading and writing skills. Mrs. Kay has been one of the many English teachers that recognized my struggles and actually has given me the proper education. Throughout all three my family has been there the most. Mom: When I was a little kid at the age of 4, my mom thought it was best for her and myself to get ahead in reading. She had experience already in teaching me how to read because of my two older sisters. She saw the positive effect it had on my sisters so she figured to do the same thing with me. My mom at the time would show me flashcards that contained images of objects and their corresponding names. Through this technique I developed to remember and pronounce different vowels, sounds, and words. We repeatedly did this every night until my mom decided to read books to me. There were times that I did not want to do anything, I just wanted to go out and play. When I was done with having my little fun we would continue to go back to reading. She would read me
Comment [mg1]: Did she help herself through you? What was she working on improving?

little Disney books from Aladdin to the lion king. In the beginning she would read me the whole book and would have me give a summary to help me comprehend the reading. After a period of time she felt that it was my turn to read and still give her a short summary. My mom helped me become a better reader. She soon realized I was ready enough to read alone.

Vanesa: Vanesa, my sister who is closest to my age helped me a ton with writing. We have a great relationship; we are the youngest of the three. When I began high school she had just started college. She has plenty experience with writing since she just graduated from high school, of course I would go to her. For example, when I wrote an essay in the 10th grade I would have her revise it and made her explain the errors I did. I dont take criticism very well so we would always disagree with each other. She was very smart especially in English. Always receiving good grades on homework assignments. Since she was the smartest one I went to her looking for assistance. She was always tough on revising it, making my paper look like it was not good enough. I felt disappointed in myself, to the point where I did not want to write. Just wanting to throw all my stuff away and give up. It was always hard for me to hear people criticize my work. To me, criticism is nothing but judging and I simply hate that. She told me why she was tough on revising, she said she improving my paper so I could get a better grade. Through tough love I understood why she was so strict on her revisions. She was just trying to help me out. She built my ability
Comment [mg6]: I feel this way too Comment [mg5]: This sentence and the two before it probably could have been placed in the above paragraph Comment [mg4]: Is? Comment [mg3]: Did you only go to her for help in high school? Comment [mg2]: Even though you separated the people that supported you, it would have been nice to see a transition or connection made between this paragraph and the next.

to take criticism on my writing. It made me realize that she was helping me learn my mistakes. Even though my sister helped me out a lot, going to school and working with my peers assisted me. Peers: Partnering up during class time we would brainstorm and share ideas. It expanded my creativity and improved my writing skills. Since we were friends and the same age we could connect with our ideas and opinions. It wasnt awkward or anything because we were on the same education level. I wasnt trying to impress anyone but just talk about what I wanted to write about. Partnering up was very fun that I enjoyed it and this gave me confidence. It gave me confidence in my writing. If it werent for my teacher we would not have had the opportunity to partner up. Mrs. Kay: In middle school I was always joking around. Never taking anything serious. I was always in detention every Wednesday for not doing my homework and talking back to teachers. Until 7th grade I had the strictest teacher in my entire school. She knew about my behavior and wanted to correct it. She spent almost everyday with me trying to straighten me out. My teacher especially Mrs. Kay was always on top of the things I do. She knew I would procrastinate and wouldnt take things seriously. She was willing enough to give up her time to see me and would straighten things out. Mrs. Kay was such a great teacher meaning she took her time with every student. She did one on ones a lot and answered any questions I had. Which really helped me out so much. This helped her understand what I was trying to write and express it. She would
Comment [mg11]: Was Mrs. Kay the teacher you were writing about in the paragraph above this one? Comment [mg10]: This is a good detail Comment [mg9]: Another good transition point Comment [mg8]: When did you do this? In English classes? Middle school? High school? Comment [mg7]: This is a good transition statement

always be reading our essays thoroughly, never skimmed through them. Writing what she thought would help us improve on it. She was probably had the most patient teacher I have ever had. Because of those one on one meeting I am more mature than I ever was.

They all had something in common and it was their persistent help. If I have never gone to them I would most likely be still be immature, dislike criticism and not been able to be confident in my work. Although it was a long journey to get where I am today I know this was the best way to help me learn. If it wasnt for them I would probably not have the same skill set I have now. I am very grateful to have had these people aid me in these areas. Without my family helping me out I wouldnt have improved. Without tough love I wouldnt have gained any confidence in taking criticism from people. Without my friends I wouldnt have gained creativity and the confidence in my writing. Without my teacher I wouldnt have been mature enough to deal with procrastination and everyday life. Student: I noticed definite improvement from the first essay, but there is still a lot of room to further develop your paper. In general, this essay would be stronger with the addition of specific details. If you choose to revise this paper for your portfolio, I added questions for you to consider in the comments. I like your last paragraph, but I also think that you could have added more details and self reflection. What have you learned that you will use in college? What do you plan to do in college that reflects what you have learned earlier? B- 12/15
Comment [mg12]: From here down, I really like it.