March 2014

Volume 10

Issue 3

London, Ontario

NEWSLETTER

Is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of do as I say, not as I do?

Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make

Editorial on pastor Jeff Strongs blog

In This Issue
Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens make....2 Ellen White Encyclopedia available at the preorder price!...................4 A.C.E.S Constituency Meeting March 29, at 7:00 P.M.................4 Presentations from the recent GYC conference are available for download as resources.....................4 CHIP London Community Health Weekend, March 21....... 5

10. Not spending time with your teen.

A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens dont want to spend time with them! While thats true in some contexts, teens still want and need chunks of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry I dont need/want you around attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time. Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to catch up, going to the movies together, etc., all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you dont carve out time to spend with your teen, youre communicating that youre not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously. Continue page 2

Movie night 7:00 P.M.....5

London Seventh Day Adventist Church, 805 Shelborne Street, London, Ontario N5Z 5C6 Canada, 519.680.1965

Continued from page 1.

9. Letting your teens activities take top priority for your family.
The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teens activities is mind-boggling to me. I honest-

seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33).

8. Spoiling your teen.

We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didnt have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are wellintentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesnt need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (thats one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!). There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early: an access to too much money and to too many opportunities. Parents need to recognize theyre doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.

Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God

dont want to, because their own self esteem is too tied up in their child s perception of them, and they couldnt handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe its because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention. Permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. If we practice a permission parenting style were abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).

ly just dont get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but somethings gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teens wants/needs are allowed to overwhelm the familys day-to-day routines. Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of helping the kids get ahead. Dont let the youth sports cartel run your life! I cant think of many good reasons why families can t limit teens to one major sport/extracurricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you ll be teaching your teen that the good life is a hyper-active one. That doesnt align itself to Jesus teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of

6. Trying to be your teens best friend.

Your teen doesnt need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents were called to bring Gods flourishing rule into our familys life. That cant happen if were busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teens friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives. Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendshipbut theres a fine line that shouldnt be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldnt be your teens friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parentsso be the parent your teen needs you to be.

7. Permissive parenting.
Whatever its not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, What can you do? and let their teens figure things out for themselves. I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents dont know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents dont have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they dont know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe its because they

This Newsletter is produced by the Communication department of the London Seventh -day Adventist Church

5. Holding low expectations for your teen.

Johann Goethe once wrote, Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be. All of us rise to the unconscious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, its especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still a kid. They are emerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self -absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like kids will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter. For an example of how this difference in perspective plays out, Ive written an article entitled The Future of an Illusion which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in emerging church ministry as opposed to youth ministry, and it you may find some principles within it helpful.

what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don t expect that to happen if youre ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half -hearted.

3. Outsourcing your teens spiritual formation. While youth group and church is very important,
another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think theyve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way. As a parentand especially if you are a Christian yourself YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isnt if you want to be eitherthats the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms. Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: its doesnt say, Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church.)

4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement. This one is one of my personal pet peeves
(but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church. Im going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. Im not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, dont expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I cant think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra -curricular commitments. Dont be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general,

2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen. Its sad that I have to write this one at all, but
Im convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and like to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one. Do you intentionally set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have date nights where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of? Your teen wont ask you for it, so dont wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teens life that He uses to affirm them.

This Newsletter is produced by the Communication department , Email: newsletter@adventistontario.ca

Continued from page 3.

Top Ten Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make

1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not cultivating within yourself.
When I talk to Christian parents, it s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life giving faith. What isnt so clear, however, is whether that parent has one themselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the right answers as a parent, if youre own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconsciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitly and implicitly) what discipleship to Jesus looks like in the flesh. What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of do as I say, not as I do? While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not guarantee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus from a distance is an enormous mistake. You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.
Editorial on pastor Jeff Strongs blog

Ellen White Encyclopedia available at the preorder price!

Number of you have had pre-ordered and received your copies of the Encyclopedia at the great price of $44 instead of $80 (regular), as advertised in January. Some wish they would have pre-ordered. It is a great resource to answer questions you may have about origins of our movement, and the role Ellen White played in it. Pastor Golovenko has 9 copies left at the preordered price. If you would like your own copy, please request from the pastor.

Constituency Meeting March 29, 7:00 P.M.

Adventist Christian Elementary School

805 Shelborne Street, London Ontario, N5Z 5C6 519-601-2277 www.aceslondon.com

Come to hear reports on school progress, financial report, plans and ideas for growth. This meeting is open for all church members of three constituent congregations: North London SDA, London (South) SDA & London Spanish. Currently 24 students are enrolled in K-8 program

Presentations from the recent GYC conference are available at

http://gycweb.org/resources/

This Newsletter is produced by the Communication department of the London Seventh -day Adventist Church

This Newsletter is produced by the Communication department , Email: newsletter@adventistontario.ca

Local and District schedule of speakers, March 2014

SDA South London Church

Mid-week Prayer meeting at 805 Shelborne Street Wednesdays at 7 P.M. London (South) SDA Church Theme:

March 5

Lo Richards Clara Baptiste

March 12

March 19

Simone Biggs
Alex Golovenko
SABBATH WORSHIP SPEAKERS @ St.Thomas 380 Manor Road Juan Carlos Atencio Windsor 5350 Haig Avenue Charles Shad Windsor Spanish 3325 Walker Road Juonita Woodstock 594754 Oxford Road David Davis London South 805 Shelborne Street Kemi Ola WASA students

519.680.1965
Fred Stele Lars Muller
Juan Carlos Atencio David Baker Juan Carlos Atencio Fred Stele

March 26

Sarnia 1620 Modeland Rd.

March 1

Jun Cabunilas

March 8

Zak Sayed

Marta Lara
Frankie Lazarus Youth Day Petros Bahadur Marian Kossovan Luis Capote Xenia Capote

Juan Carlos Atencio

Andrew Clarke Juan Carlos Atencio James Anderson

Alex Golovenko
Kirmane Allen Dr. Hans Diehl Teresa VanWart

March 15

March 22 Fred Stele

Alex Sparenberg

www.adventistlondon.ca

March 29

* Spanish services are bi-lingual, with translation to English available