VIOLENCE & CONFLICT

Can you identify violent communication? The weekend is finally

here and Tracy and her boyfriend, Frank are getting ready to head to her familys lake house for weekend get-a-way of family, friends, and fun! Frank and Tracy are driving the three hours to the lake house in a separate car from her parents and siblings. Not because there isnt enough room for them in the family car, but because Frank asked earlier in the week to drive separately. Not wanting to fight, Tracy agreed even though they were low on money for this months bills and was already taking a day off from work to make this trip happen. While driving, they hit traffic because it was rush hour. Frank hates traffic and tries to plan all of his travel outside of rush hours, but since Tracys meeting at work went later than expected they got a late start on their drive. Although Tracy knew the situation was tense, she decided that small talk may ease the situation and soon enough the traffic will lighten up. She starts off simply stating, I am excited to get and spent time with my family, it seems that life is always getting in the way and we never see them. With little response from Frank she continued on, my sister and I never get to talk and so this will be a good time to catch up on her social and work life. After stating her desire to spend time with her sister, Frank simply stated, Well while you are off having fun with your sister and mother, dont worry about me. I guess instead of getting to hang out with my girlfriend, which I though was the point of this whole trip; I will hang out with your dad, whom I have no similarities with. Again, trying to avoid a fight, Tracy simply states, I know the point of the trip is to spend time together, but I havent seen my family in many months and this is the perfect opportunity to all spend time together. Its whatever, replied Frank and that was the end of the conversation. Once arrived, everything was going pretty smooth. Friday night was spent unpacking, catching up, and making plans for the next day. On Saturday, the family spent the day out on the boat and was headed home to barbeque. While walking back from the lake, they family passed a outdoor bar that was pretty crowded with people having a good time. Frank grabbed Tracys hand and said, Lets get away for an hour and go have a drink. This sounded nice, so she agreed and then left the group. An hour had gone by, and she started getting her stuff together, when Frank started negotiating for one more beer, which led to two, then three, and soon it was 11 oclock at night. They had missed dinner with her family and Frank was drunk. When Tracy grabbed his hand to lead him away from the bar, he pulled back and said, Youre not forcing me to leave! Tracy knew that if she forced the issue it would turn ugly but she couldnt return home without him so continued to try. He pushed her away, she followed, she grabbed his hands, and he slapped them. She left, knowing there was more coming when he returned later that night. Violent Communication is communication that limits liberty, denies recognition of needs, diminishes the worth of a person, and/or blocks compassion ("What is violent,").

Types of Violence include physical,

emotional, sexual, and neglect. These are expressed in communication in the following ways: 1. Moralistic judgments and evaluations -Labeling, criticizing, or diagnosis 2. Denial of responsibilities of ones feelings, thoughts, and actions -Authority, rules, or blaming 3. Demands -Threats of blame, punishment, or reward 4. Blocking compassion: -One-ups and shut downs ("What is violent,") Looking through the vignette many types of violence and abuse can be indicated. Emotional: (1) in the opening paragraph she simply avoids the fight and agrees to drive separately from her family. (2) When Frank makes her feel guilty about wanting to hang out with her sister. Neglect: (1) Frank does not acknowledge her excitement. (2) Although not explicitly stated, he could be neglecting her needs and wants to see her family more often. Physical: (1) The episode at the bar when trying to get Frank to leave. Although it started with little physicality, she internally states that she knows there will be more to come when he gets home.

Are you being emotionally abused?

These are common characteristics of emotional abuse: Frequently blames or criticizes you Calls you names Ridicules your beliefs, religion, race class or sexual preference Criticizes or threatens to hurt your family or friends Isolates you from your family and friends Tries to keep you from doing something you wanted to do Withholds approval, appreciation or affection Humiliates you Becomes angry if meals or housework are not done to his/her liking Does not include you in important decisions Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past Takes away car keys, money or credit cards Threatens to leave or told you to leave. Threatens to commit suicide (Meyer, 2010)

You are not alone! Statistics show:

1. Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults. 2. One in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime. 3. Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner than men 4. Women ages 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence. 5. Every year, 1 in 3 women who is a victim of homicide is murdered by her current or former partner. ("Domestic violence: Statistics," 2013)

reversing roles from speaking to listening, you can try to grasp their emotion by listening to what is making them feel unpleasant, then verify their emotion, and then try to work together to create a plan to meet their request (Rosenberg).

Resources:
1. The National Domestic Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org This website allows you to obtain help and advice through phone or online chat. 2. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center: http://www.nsvrc.org This website gives you information and resources to help stop sexual violence in your life. 3. Family Violence Prevention & Services Resource Centers: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/fysb/fv -centers This website is specifically for victims whose children or families are involved.

References:
Domestic violence: Statistics & facts. (2013). Retrieved from https://www.safehorizon.org/index/wh at-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse53/domestic-violence-statistics--facts195.html Meyer, C. (2010, August 10). Emotional abuse checklist: Are you being emotionally abused?. Retrieved from http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010 /08/17/emotional-abuse-checklist-areyou-being-emotionally-abused/ Rosenberg, M. (n.d.). What is nonviolent communication?. Retrieved from http://thecenternow.org/what-wedo/education/positive-solutionsworkshops/nonviolent-communication/ What is violent communication?. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.heartland.edu/documents/ idc/What is violent comm and nvc (Winters).pdf

How to effectively use nonviolent communication, in four steps:

1. State an observation, without evaluating an action. I have noticed ________ 2. Share your feelings. I feel _______ 3. Accept responsibility for your feelings and share your needs. ...Because I need _______ 4. Make a specific request to make your need. Would you be willing to ______ Another important part of nonviolent communication is the listening aspect. By