EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC1. INT. DAVIDS BEDSIT. DAY. 08:31

DAVID, SUE (OOV)
[INTERCUT WITH SCENE 2.
CLOSE-UP ON A PHONE, THEN CLOSE-UP ON A
FACE, LOOKING AT IT.
DAVID MOSS (32) IS A LOVE-HUNGRY LABRADOR
IN HUMAN FORM. HE STARES AT HIS PHONE,
PRAYING FOR IT TO RING]
DAVID:
Come on! Please
[BUT HE REALISES ITS NEVER GOING TO. HE
SIGHS, AND TURNS TO LEAVE, AND THEN IT
STARTS RINGING.
HE JUMPS OVER THE SOFA TO GET TO IT]
DAVID:
Hello!!!!?
SUE (OOV):
Hi David, its Sue.
DAVID:
(AND SAYING HER NAME SEEMS SO SWEET) Sue! Yes!. (BUT
HE REALISES HE MUSTNT APPEAR TOO KEEN) Um, thanks for
getting back to me. Are you still going to the auditions?
SUE (OOV):
Of course!
DAVID:
Great! What time do you want me to pick you up?
SUE (OOV):
How about six?
DAVID:
(ALMOST HEARING IT AS SEX) Six. Yes. And I thought
afterwards I could
SUE (OOV):
Yes?
DAVID:
I could take you back again.
1

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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[DAVIDS FACE FALLS WHY CAN HE NEVER TELL

HER HOW HE FEELS?]
SUE (OOV):
OK! Bye.
DAVID:
Bye.
[HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN, TAKES A DEEP
BREATH, THEN BANGS HIS FIST ON THE COFFEE
TABLE. IT REALLY HURTS.
AS HE RECOVERS, TAKE A PAIR OF SPARKLING
EYES BY THE KINGS SINGERS BEGINS, AND
CONTINUES UNDER THE NEXT SCENE.
OUT ON DAVID IN AGONY]
CUT TO:

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC2. INT. CAFE. DAY. 08:31

SUE, DAVID (OOV)
[INTERCUT WITH SCENE 1]
[SUE LONGLEY (35) GRABS A MOMENT BETWEEN
CUSTOMERS TO MAKE A QUICK PHONE CALL.
SUE IS SWEETLY PRETTY, A LITTLE BIT SHY, WITH
A HEART AS BIG AS A PLANET]
DAVID (OOV):
Hello!!!!?
SUE:
Hi David, its Sue.
DAVID (OOV):
Sue! Yes!.. Um, thanks for getting back to me. Are you still going to the
auditions?
SUE:
Of course!
DAVID (OOV):
Great! What time do you want me to pick you up?
SUE:
How about six?
DAVID (OOV):
Six. Yes. And I thought afterwards I could
[AND SUE WAITS WITH BAITED BREATH IS THIS
THE DAY HE FINALLY ASKS HER ON A DATE?]
SUE:
Yes?
DAVID (OOV):
I could take you back again.
SUE:
OK! Bye.
DAVID (OOV):
Bye.
[OUT IN PREVIOUS SCENE]
CUT TO:
3

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC3. INT. ELAINES HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY. 08:32

ELAINE
[TAKE A PAIR OF SPARKLING EYES CONTINUES
A LOVED-UP ELAINE SITS AT HER BREAKFAST
TABLE, INSTANT MESSAGING
SHE GETS A MESSAGE FROM HARRISON: Good
morning!
SHE RESPONDS: Hi Harrison!
SHE GETS A RESPONSE: Still on 4 tonight?
SHE REPLIES: Of course!
SHE GETS A RESPONSE: 6?
SHE REPLIES: Works for me.
AND SHE WAITS. BUT THERES NO RESPONSE. SHE
STARES AT HER COMPUTER, HOPING FOR MORE,
BUT IT DOESNT COME. SHES NOT UNDULY
WORRIED, AND HAS A SIP OF TEA AND DREAMS
ABOUT TONIGHT.
OUT ON ELAINE BLISSFUL]
CUT TO:

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC4. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 08:50
IMOGEN, LAUREN
[AS SPARKLING EYES FADES, WE SEE LAUREN
PUTTING OUT PATIENT NOTES. IMOGEN ENTERS
AND LAURENS EYES LIGHT UP ALMOST AS IF
YESTERDAYS ENCOUNTER NEVER HAPPENED]
LAUREN:
Hiya!
[BUT IMOGEN IS STILL WARY]
IMOGEN:
Hello.
LAUREN:
How did you get on?
IMOGEN:
What?
LAUREN:
All A stars?
IMOGEN:
Oh, my results arent out till tomorrow.
[AND LAUREN SLAPS HER FOREHEAD]
LAUREN:
Sorry! Silly me! I shouldnt be piling on the pressure.
IMOGEN:
Thats alright.
[IMOGEN GOES OFF TO THE TOILETS.
OUT ON LAUREN A SADISTIC GLINT IN HER EYE]
CUT TO:

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC5. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. STAFF ROOM.

DAY. 08:51
KEVIN, DANIEL, ZARA, HESTON, LAUREN
[CONTINUOUS]
[AND AS LAUREN LEANS OVER RECEPTION, DANIEL
AND KEVIN HAVE POSITIONED THEMSELVES IN
THE DOORWAY TO GET THE BEST POSSIBLE VIEW
OF HER ARSE]
KEVIN:
What do you think shes wearing?
DANIEL:
What?
KEVIN:
Under her clothes?
[ZARA, WHOS GOING THROUGH HER POST, GIVES
DANIEL A DISAPPROVING GLARE]
ZARA:
Go on, Daniel! Give us your expert opinion.
DANIEL:
(ENJOYING THE GAME) Oh shes not wearing any clothes. That skirt
and the blouse were all just spray-painted on her. Shes a walking work of
art. (WINKS AT ZARA)
KEVIN:
I dont know much about art. But I know what I like.
ZARA:
Sorry, how long have I been living in a Carry On film?
KEVIN:
Youve got to admit, she is nice, on a superficial level.
ZARA:
You are superficial on every level. Now, have I got time for a cup of tea?
Or perhaps you want me to spill it down my front for a wet T-shirt moment.
[AND KEVIN SEEMS KEEN]
KEVIN:
Well, I

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

DANIEL:
Dont go there!
[HESTON ENTERS, AND GIVES A DEEP ORIENTAL
BOW]
HESTON:
Ohayou!
[ZARA WINCES]
KEVIN:
What was that?
HESTON:
A traditional Japanese greeting. The sort of thing Nanki-Poo might say to
Pooh-Bah.
KEVIN:
Youre not going to sing again, are you?
HESTON:
No, I will save my voice for those who appreciate it.
DANIEL:
But The Mikados not actually in Japanese?
HESTON:
Well, I want to bring a certain depth of characterisation. Some authentic
Japanese flavour.
ZARA:
Well you already sound like Yoko Ono.
[AND KEVIN IS SUDDENLY DISTRACTED]
KEVIN:
Look, shes bending over!
HESTON:
Whats that?
ZARA:
Young Kevin is staring at the new receptionist. It must make a change to
see a woman without two staples down the middle.
HESTON:
Oh dear! Of course, The Mikado is all about sexual frustration. Theres a
character called Yum-Yum, and interestingly yum yum was Victorian
slang for the vagina. Hence the line: Life without Yum-Yum would seem
absurd. Not a lot of people know that.

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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ZARA:
And even fewer care.
DANIEL:
And shes reaching for the patient notes!
HESTON:
What?
KEVIN:
Yum yum!
[OUT ON KEVIN SALIVATING]
CUT TO:

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC6. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 09:10
JULIA, LAUREN, DAVID
NSE OLD LADY
[DAVID APPROACHES RECEPTION]
DAVID:
Um, Ive got an appointment with Doctor Carter.
LAUREN:
(UTTERLY INDIFFERENT) And you are?
DAVID:
Um, David Moss.
LAUREN:
Is the um part of it?
DAVID:
No!
LAUREN:
Have a seat.
[DAVID SITS DOWN. AN ELDERLY NSE LADY
EMERGES FROM THE CONSULTING ROOMS AND
HEADS TOWARDS THE EXIT BUT SHE DROPS HER
HANDBAG AND THE CONTENTS SPILL
EVERYWHERE. DAVID LEAPS INTO ACTION]
DAVID:
Hold on!
[HE GETS DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND
RETRIEVES THE VARIOUS OBJECTS. THE OLD LADY
SMILES, SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THANK YOU,
DEAR AND EXITS. DAVID IS STILL ON HIS HANDS
AND KNEES WHEN JULIA EMERGES FROM HER
OFFICE HOLDING TWO FILES. SHE TRIPS OVER HIM,
AND DROPS THEM.
LAUREN ROLLS HER EYES THIS GUY IS SUCH A
LOSER]
DAVID:
Oh Im so sorry!
JULIA:
No, dont worry.

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

[THEY EACH PICK UP A FILE, AND STAND UP,

TOGETHER, SO THEYRE FACING EACH OTHER]
DAVID:
Oh, um, Mrs McGuire!
JULIA:
Its a long time since Ive been that!
DAVID:
Its me, David. I used to go out with Sam.
[AND JULIA FEELS A LOVELY WARM GLOW OF
NOSTALGIA]
JULIA:
David! Of course! It must be at least ten years. Oh, you must remember
Lauren. Shes a friend of Sams.
LAUREN:
No!
DAVID:
No So, hows Sam doing these days?
JULIA:
Oh, shes doing great, shes got a flat in Greenwich, an interesting
boyfriend, and a very good job in advertising. And you?
DAVID:
Well, Im still single, Ive not got a flat in Greenwich, and I work in a call
centre.
JULIA:
(BEAT) So, um, who are you here to see?
DAVID:
Er, Doctor Carter.
JULIA:
Right. Ill tell him to get a move on. Nice to see you.
DAVID:
And you!
[OUT ON DAVID BEGINNING TO BRIGHTEN UP A
LITTLE]
CUT TO:

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC7. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. STAFF ROOM.

DAY. 09:11
HESTON, DANIEL, JULIA
[HESTON CONTINUES TO DRONE ON TO DANIEL
WHO IS LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE]
HESTON:
And of course, one of the first people to play Nanki-Poo was the great
acting guru, Stanislavski.
DANIEL:
(BARELY LISTENING) Really?
[JULIA HAS ENTERED, AND IS STANDING OVER
HESTON, GLOWERING]
JULIA:
Heston!
HESTON:
Yes?
JULIA:
Have you given me the QOF information? (PRONOUNCED QUOFF)
HESTON:
Oh, um.
JULIA:
I told you I needed it yesterday!
HESTON:
Well youll definitely have it tomorrow.
JULIA:
No, Heston, today! Five oclock. And you have a patient.
HESTON:
Have I?
JULIA:
Yes! As well as being a world expert on Gilbert & Sullivan, you are meant
to be a doctor!
[OUT ON JULIA INFURIATED]
CUT TO:

11

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC8. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. HESTONS

CONSULTING ROOM. DAY. 09:13
HESTON, DAVID
[DAVID SHIFTS UNEASILY IN HIS CHAIR AS HESTON
LOOKS HIM UP ON THE COMPUTER]
HESTON:
David Moss. Now, what can I do for you?
DAVID:
Well I want some sleeping tablets, cos Im having difficulty sleeping.
HESTON:
A very good reason to have them.
DAVID:
I just find, at night, my mind is racing like an express train.
HESTON:
Really? And where exactly does it go?
DAVID:
Long story. Im a member of the Letherbridge Light Operatic Society.
HESTON:
Oh, I see
DAVID:
And theyve got a new artistic director, and hes promised to shake things
up a bit.
HESTON:
Thats what directors tend to do.
DAVID:
I know, but well I know its just a hobby, but in some ways, its what
keeps me going. Im getting in a state about this.
HESTON:
You are! Sorry, has the director asked you to leave?
DAVID:
No, but Ive heard on the grapevine, he wants to get rid of the old guard,
and hes invited a load of new people to audition.
HESTON:
Right, I have to confess to a slight conflict of interest. He has actually asked
me to audition.

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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DAVID:
What!? What part?
HESTON:
Nanki-Poo.
[AND DAVIDS FACE DRAINS OF ALL COLOUR]
HESTON:
Oh dear. I can see where this is going. Of course, theres no guarantee Ill
actually get it, and there are lots of other parts.
[HESTON SMILES, BUT DAVID IS DISTRAUGHT
EVERYTHING THATS PRECIOUS IN HIS WORLD HAS
BEGUN TO UNRAVEL. HESTON CONTINUES
WITTERING, BUT ALL DAVID CAN HEAR IS A SONG
IN HIS HEAD AH, LEAVE ME NOT BY THE KINGS
SINGERS, WHICH CONTINUES UNDER THE NEXT
SCENE]
HESTON:
Now, you were saying something about sleeping tablets? Let me just have a
look at your history. We dont want to overdo things, but on the other hand,
you do need to have a good nights sleep
[AS HESTON CONTINUES, HIS WORDS GET FAINTER,
AND TURN TO ECHO AS THE SONG TAKES OVER.
OUT ON DAVID IN A WORLD OF HIS OWN]
CUT TO:

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC9. INT/EXT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION

/ CAR PARK / JULIAS OFFICE. DAY. 09:20
JULIA, DAVID
[AH, LEAVE ME NOT CONTINUES
DAVID SLEEPWALKS THROUGH RECEPTION, AND
STAGGERS OUT OF THE MILL A MAN WITHOUT
HOPE.
HE HEADS TO HIS ANCIENT, BATTERED CAR,
REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND CANT FIND THE
KEYS. THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW. HE SLUMPS TO
HIS KNEES IN THE CAR PARK AND LETS OUT THE
MOST ALMIGHTY PRIMAL SCREAM.
JULIA LOOKS OUT OF HER OFFICE WINDOW
WHAT ON EARTH IS THE MATTER?
OUT ON JULIA ALARMED]
CUT TO:

14

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC10. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. JULIAS

MANAGERS OFFICE. DAY. 09:25
JULIA, DAVID, IMOGEN
[DAVID MAKES HIMSELF COMFORTABLE IN FRONT
OF JULIA HES EMBARRASSED THAT SHES
MAKING SUCH A FUSS]
DAVID:
Im so sorry, I couldnt find my keys, but they were in my back pocket.
JULIA:
David, I havent heard a scream like that since I saw my last credit card
statement. There must be a bit more to it.
DAVID:
Agh! OK, its to do with Gilbert & Sullivan.
[AND JULIA IS AMAZED THAT ITS SOMETHING SO
TRIVIAL]
JULIA:
Really?! Well now its my turn to scream. My colleagues been going on
about that for days.
DAVID:
Yes, well Ive just found out were up for the same part. And it looks like
hes going to get it.
JULIA:
I dont think so!
DAVID:
Why not?
JULIA:
Ive heard him singing. But why is it so important?
[DAVID SQUIRMS THIS REALLY IS INCREDIBLY
EMBARRASSING]
DAVID:
Oh um its all to do with a girl called Sue.
JULIA:
Oh yes?
DAVID:
Shes in the Operatic Society with me, and weve played lead roles in all the
Gilbert & Sullivans. And she is the most perfect, magical, beautiful human
being.
15

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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JULIA:
I see.
DAVID:
And I was up for the part of Nanki-Poo. And she was going to be my YumYum.
JULIA:
So you generally play the romantic couple?
DAVID:
Thats right.
JULIA:
And in real life?
DAVID:
If only.
JULIA:
Why dont you ask her out?
DAVID:
Well, at the moment, my life consists of two things. The time I spend with
Sue and the time I spend thinking of Sue, dreaming of Sue, waiting for
Sue to phone. And when youve loved someone so much, and for so long,
you just cant ask, because if she said no
[DAVID STARES INTO SPACE CONTEMPLATING
THE HORROR OF LIFE WITHOUT SUE.
AND THERES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
JULIA:
Come in!
[AND IMOGEN ENTERS, WITH A TEA TRAY]
IMOGEN:
Here you go.
JULIA:
Thanks Imogen. Just put it there.
[IMOGEN PUTS THE TRAY DOWN, THEN TURNS AND
EXITS. AND WE GO WITH HER]
CUT TO:

16

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC11. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 09:26
IMOGEN, LAUREN, KAREN (OOV)
NSE PATIENTS
[CONTINUOUS INTERCUT WITH SCENE 12]
[IMOGEN STEPS OUT OF JULIAS OFFICE. LAUREN
IS HOLDING THE RECEPTION PHONE]
LAUREN:
Phone for you.
IMOGEN:
Really?
LAUREN:
Its mommie dearest.
[IMOGEN GROANS, AND TAKES IT]
IMOGEN:
Hello?
KAREN (OOV):
Hello love! Do you fancy going out tomorrow?
IMOGEN:
Where to?
KAREN (OOV):
Ive been reading about this Italian restaurant. Its right next to the canal,
and the waiters sing opera as they serve you.
IMOGEN:
Whats this in aid of?
KAREN (OOV):
Well, you know, Im hoping we might have something to celebrate.
IMOGEN:
Mom I dont want a special meal. I dont want a brass band or fireworks.
I just want to be left alone.
[IMOGEN SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE]
CUT TO:

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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EP79/SC12. INT. THE CAMPUS SURGERY. RECEPTION.

DAY. 09:26
KAREN, IMOGEN (OOV)
NSE PATIENT
[INTERCUT WITH SCENE 11]
[KAREN IS ON THE PHONE]
IMOGEN (OOV):
Hello?
KAREN:
Hello love! Do you fancy going out tomorrow?
IMOGEN (OOV):
Where to?
KAREN:
Ive been reading about this Italian restaurant. Its right next to the canal,
and the waiters sing opera as they serve you.
IMOGEN (OOV):
Whats this in aid of?
KAREN:
Well, you know, Im hoping we might have something to celebrate.
IMOGEN (OOV):
Mom I dont want a special meal. I dont want a brass band or fireworks.
I just want to be left alone.
[IMOGEN SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE]
KAREN:
Sorry I spoke.
[OUT ON KAREN WOUNDED]
CUT TO:

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC13. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. JULIAS

MANAGERS OFFICE. DAY. 09:30
JULIA, DAVID
[JULIA AND DAVID TAKE TEA]
JULIA:
So youve been living in limbo all this time?
DAVID:
Well yes. You get used to it.
JULIA:
I blame Sam. Shes put you off women for life.
DAVID:
It wasnt just that. There were other issues.
JULIA:
I see.
DAVID:
But it was a bit weird when she dumped me. She never said why just
didnt return my calls.
JULIA:
She could be a bit harsh when she was younger, but this, um
DAVID:
Sue.
JULIA:
You have to tell her. Just ask her out for a coffee. Somewhere you can be
yourself, instead of hiding behind a character.
DAVID:
And if she says no?
JULIA:
Youll be no worse off than you are now! You know, I felt bad when Sam
broke up with you. But I feel worse that youve not been able to move on.
Talk to this girl. Ask her. Just find out where you stand
[AND AS DAVID WEIGHS UP THE MOMENTOUSNESS
OF THIS, WE HEAR IF YOU GO IN FROM IOLANTHE,
THE 1960 DOYLY CARTE RECORDING, WHICH
CONTINUES INTO THE NEXT SCENE
OUT ON DAVID BRACING HIMSELF]
CUT TO:
19

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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EP79/SC14. INT. CAFE. DAY. 14:00

SUE, DAVID
NSE OLD MAN
[IF YOU GO IN CONTINUES, AND GRADUALLY
FADES OUT.
SUE IS EXHAUSTED ITS THE END OF THE
LUNCHTIME RUSH, BUT SHE ALWAYS TRIES TO
STAY CHEERFUL FOR HER CUSTOMERS SHE PUTS
A BROWN PAPER BAG ON THE COUNTER]
SUE:
So thats one mozzarella, and one cappuccino.
[SHE LEANS FORWARDS, AND HANDS THE BAG TO
A SWEET LITTLE NSE OLD MAN, WHO SMILES AND
EXITS.
THE PHONE RINGS. SUE PICKS UP]
SUE:
Hello? Hi mum No, Im really sorry, I cant do tonight, Ive got an
audition...
[DAVID ENTERS THE SHOP, AND HOVERS
NERVOUSLY WHILE SUE CONTINUES HER CALL]
SUE:
OK If you insist, Ill stay over. But I wont be there till ten. Love you
lots.
[SUE SMILES, PUTS DOWN THE PHONE, AND TURNS
TO DAVIDWHOSE WHOLE WORLD HAS JUST
COLLAPSED]
SUE:
David!
DAVID:
Hi.
SUE:
Sorry, did you want something?
DAVID:
No. Ill see you at six.

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SUE:
Yes. Was there anything else?
DAVID:
No. Nothing.
[HE TURNS AND RUNS OUT OF THE SHOP.
OUT ON SUE MYSTIFIED]
CUT TO:

21

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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EP79/SC15. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. JULIAS

MANAGERS OFFICE. DAY. 16:00
JULIA, ELAINE
[JULIA IS DOING SOME ADMIN, WHEN THERES A
KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
JULIA:
Come in.
[ELAINE ENTERS, LOOKING RATHER RADIANT. SHE
PUTS A FOLDER ON JULIAS DESK]
ELAINE:
QOF reports.
JULIA:
Im glad someones on top of this. Hestons too busy with his painful arias.
ELAINE:
Oh well. When hes a West End star, well be able to say we knew him.
[AND ELAINE IS JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE, WHEN]
JULIA:
You look nice!
ELAINE:
Dont I always?
JULIA:
Youve had your hair done.
ELAINE:
OK. Bit of a hot date this evening.
JULIA:
Oh yes. How hot?
ELAINE:
Well, hes 5 foot 10, sexy, solvent, and a bit of a silver fox.
JULIA:
Wow! He doesnt have a brother, does he?
[OUT ON JULIA EVER SO SLIGHTLY JEALOUS]
CUT TO:

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EP79/SC16. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 18:00
IMOGEN, HESTON, LAUREN
[LAUREN IS TIDYING UP BEHIND RECEPTION.
IMOGEN COLLECTS HER JACKET AND BAG]
IMOGEN:
Im off.
LAUREN:
See ya.
[AND IMOGEN IS ALMOST OUT THE DOOR, WHEN]
LAUREN:
(SICKLY SWEET) Oh, best of luck tomorrow!
[IMOGEN GRIMACES AND EXITS. HESTON
EMERGES FROM THE CONSULTING ROOMS IN HIS
BEST BOWTIE AND WAISTCOAT COMBO, AND
GIVES AN ORIENTAL BOW]
HESTON:
Sayanora, Lauren!
LAUREN:
Sayanora, Doctor Carter. Break a leg. Not literally, obviously.
HESTON:
Best not. Though it might add something to the characterisation.
LAUREN:
Do you know how Gilbert got the idea for The Mikado?
HESTON:
No, I dont actually.
LAUREN:
Apparently, he was in his study, when an Oriental sword fell off the wall.
And he thought: I bet thats a sign.
HESTON:
Extraordinary! Well it just goes to show. Sometimes you have to seize
destiny with both hands.
[HESTON STRIDES FORTH, OFF FOR A DATE WITH
DESTINY. AS HE DOES SO, WE HEAR BEHOLD THE
LORD HIGH EXECUTIONER, THE 1991 WELSH
NATIONAL OPERA RECORDING. THIS CONTINUES
UNDER THE NEXT TWO SCENES
OUT ON LAUREN ROLLING HER EYES]
CUT TO:
23

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EP79/SC17. INT. THEATRE. STAGE. DAY. 18:09

HOWARD
[MUSICAL MONTAGE.
BEHOLD THE LORD HIGH EXECUTIONER
CONTINUES UNDER THIS SCENE AND THE NEXT
AT THE LETHERBRIDGE LOFT THEATRE, THE
GREAT IMPRESSARIO, HOWARD WOODHAM (55)
PREPARES FOR THIS EVENING.
HE PINS A NOTICE ON THE DOOR: The Mikado.
Auditions here at 7.00.
HE SWEEPS THE STAGE ALL PART OF THE RITUAL
OF CREATING A SACRED SPACE.
HE LAYS OUT A SEMI-CIRCLE OF CHAIRS FOR HIS
PLAYERS]
CUT TO:

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EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

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EP79/SC18. EXT. THEATRE. DAY. 18:10

HESTON
[AS THE MUSIC FADES, HESTON STANDS OUTSIDE
THIS VERY SPECIAL BUILDING, AND PREPARES TO
CROSS OVER THE THRESHOLD AND BECOME A
STAR.
OUT ON HESTON ON THE BRINK OF BIG THINGS]
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EP79/SC19. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. RECEPTION.

DAY. 18:11
JULIA, ELAINE, LAUREN
[JULIA EMERGES FROM HER OFFICE. LAUREN IS
PUTTING ON HER JACKET]
LAUREN:
Im off!
JULIA:
Oh Lauren, did you send off the QOF reports?
LAUREN:
I did.
JULIA:
And did Heston give you his?
LAUREN:
Oh um
JULIA:
Doesnt matter.
[LAUREN SLIPS OFF. JULIA PHONES HESTON ON
SPEED DIAL. WHILE SHE WAITS FOR HIM TO PICK
UP, ELAINE WANDERS OUT OF THE TOILETS,
HAVING JUST GOT HERSELF READY FOR THIS
EVENING]
ELAINE:
Bye Julia!
JULIA:
Oh are you off?
ELAINE:
Any minute now. When my knight in shining Armani gets here.
[JULIA IS THROUGH TO HESTONS VOICE MAIL.
ELAINE POPS OFF]
JULIA:
Heston, its Julia. Sorry to interrupt your busy theatrical schedule, but can
you call me immediately please!?
[OUT ON JULIA FUMING]
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EP79/SC20. INT. THE MILL HEALTH CENTRE. ELAINES

CONSULTING ROOM. DAY. 18:12
ELAINE, HARRISON (OOV)
[ELAINE GOES INTO HER ROOM TO PICK UP HER
COAT. HER MOBILE IS SITTING ON THE DESK. SHE
SEES SHE HAS A MESSAGE, AND PLAYS IT]
HARRISON (OOV):
Hi Elaine, its me. Im running a bit late. Can I possibly meet you at the
restaurant?
[OUT ON ELAINE GETTING A VERY SLIGHT
SINKING FEELING]
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EP79/SC21. INT. THEATRE. FOYER. DAY. 18:59

JULIA, HESTON, DAVID, SUE, HOWARD
NSE AUDITIONEES
[THE INTRO TO THREE LITTLE MAIDS BY THE
GALA ENSEMBLE PLAYS.
IN THE FOYER, VARIOUS THEATRICAL TYPES MEET,
GREET AND PRACTISE THEIR AUDITION SONGS.
SUE ENTERS, WITH DAVID. SHE IS BRIGHT AND
BUBBLY, ALL READY FOR THE AUDITION. HE
SEEMS DEAD TO THE WORLD. AND THE MUSIC
FADES]
SUE:
Thanks for the lift!
DAVID:
(BARELY LISTENING) Yeah.
SUE:
Are you alright?
DAVID:
Why wouldnt I be?
SUE:
I dont know. You just seem a bit absent.
DAVID:
Mmm.
SUE:
Im going to get some coffee. Now dont wear out your vocal cords.
[SUE WANDERS OFF. DAVID SITS DOWN,
FORLORNLY.
JULIA ENTERS, SCANS THE FOYER, LOOKING FOR
HESTON, BUT SEES DAVID INSTEAD]
JULIA:
Oh, um hello David.
DAVID:
Hi.

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JULIA:
Im looking for Heston. Doctor Carter. Have you seen him?
DAVID:
No.
[AND JULIA SETTLES NEXT TO HIM]
JULIA:
So. How did it go?
DAVID:
Its over. Well it never actually started. But at least I dont have to worry
about it ending.
JULIA:
What?
DAVID:
I left it too late. Shes found someone.
[JULIA PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER]
JULIA:
And so will you! You just have to give it time.
DAVID:
I dont want anyone else. Obsession is not just an aftershave.
[HESTON WANDERS PAST, WITTERING ON TO AN
NSE AUDITIONEE ABOUT G & S]
HESTON:
And of course the greatest Ko-Ko in my opinion was Groucho Marx.
DAVID:
There he is.
JULIA:
David are you
DAVID:
Ill be fine.
[RELUCTANTLY JULIA APPROACHES HESTON]
JULIA:
Heston!

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HESTON:
Julia! Dont tell me youve come to give us your Pish-Tush.
JULIA:
Ive come to give your head on a platter to the PCT.
HESTON:
What?
JULIA:
QOF information. Due by 5 oclock.
HESTON:
I gave it to Lauren.
JULIA:
Really?
HESTON:
Really.
JULIA:
Oh. She wasnt sure.
HESTON:
I dont know where that girls head is sometimes. Was that it?
JULIA:
It was Though I might hang around, for a bit.
HESTON:
Oh yes?
JULIA:
Theres someone Im just a bit concerned about.
[SHE LOOKS ACROSS AT DAVID, WHOS IN A DEEP
DEPRESSION.
AND HOWARD MAKES A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE]
HOWARD:
Good evening! You may not know me, but Im Howard.
[AS HES TERRIBLY POSH, HE PRONOUNCES IT
HAARD. AS IN ERECTION]
HOWARD:
Howard Woodham. And it gives me huge pleasure to see so many budding
Thespians. Now if youd like to come on the stage, Ill share with you
my vision.

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[EVERYONE TROOPS THROUGH THE DOOR THAT

LEADS TO THE STAGE. HOWARD LINGERS BEHIND,
SO HE CAN GREET PEOPLE AS THEY ENTER. HE
GIVES HESTON A PAT ON THE SHOULDER]
HOWARD:
Ah! Hezza! Good to see you, old man.
[HESTON SMILES BUT IS ANNOYED AT HOWARDS
FAMILIARITY. JULIA WATCHES, AMUSED BUT
STAYS BEHIND IN THE FOYER.
DAVID AND SUE APPROACH HOWARD, BOTH
HOLDING COFFEES. AND HOWARD IS THRILLED TO
MEET SUE]
HOWARD:
Oh hello! And, um, what are you up for?
SUE:
Ill be trying for Yum-Yum.
HOWARD:
I thought so. I took one look and I immediately thought: Yum-Yum.
[DAVID FEELS A GREAT SURGE OF JEALOUSY
AND SQUEEZES HIS PLASTIC CUP, SO HE GETS
SCALDED WITH COFFEE.
OUT ON DAVID IN AGONY]
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EP79/SC22. INT. THEATRE. STAGE. DAY. 19:03

JULIA, HESTON, HOWARD, DAVID, SUE
NSE AUDITIONEES
[AND HOWARD ADDRESSES HIS TROOPS]
HOWARD:
OK everyone. Now first of all, I want you to forget about nice tunes,
charming costumes, pretty scenery. Because theres nothing pretty in a
Howard Woodham production. I intend to grab Gilbert & Sullivan by the
genitals, and squeeze extremely hard. Now The Mikado takes place in a
totalitarian regime. So I thought where shall we set it? Afghanistan,
perhaps, or North Korea? But then I thought no, lets go retro. Im
relocating it to Chicago in the 1920s with the ever present threat of the Mob.
So the Three Little Maids will all be Mafia brides, and Ko-Ko can come on
with a Kalashnikov.
[HESTON PUTS HIS HAND UP]
HESTON:
But surely it should be set in Japan?
HOWARD:
Yes well Ive never much cared for the casual racism of it. Its all very
offensive to Orientals.
HESTON:
Yes, but we now run the risk of offending the Mafia. And Id rather take
my chances with the Japanese.
[EVERYONE SNIGGERS, BUT HOWARD IS LIVID]
HOWARD:
Now look here! I am not interested in bums
[BUT HIS PHONE RINGS BEFORE HE CAN FINISH
THIS SENTENCE. HE PICKS UP]
HOWARD:
Hello? Yes, it is Howard Oh marvellous, Ill see you in half an hour.
Bye.
[HE ENDS THE CALL]
HOWARD:
Letherbridge Life. Theyre doing a little piece on me. Where was I? Oh
yes. I am not interested in bums on seats. What I want to see is eyes on
stalks. I intend to rip out the dark heart of this play, and fling it in the
audiences faces. It will be a Mikado they wont forget. In spite of years of
psychotherapy.
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[HESTON PUTS HIS HAND UP]

HOWARD:
(SEETHING) Yes, Hezza!?
HESTON:
Well its all very admirable to bring out the dark elements, but surely the
point of Gilbert & Sullivan is they write the most powerful satire, but with
the gentlest of brush strokes.
HOWARD:
I absolutely agree! Theyre far too subtle in their brush strokes. But Im
going to write the plays message in fluorescent paint, in letters a thousand
feet tall.
[HESTONS FACE FALLS THERES NO TELLING
HIM.
BUT SUE SEEMS RATHER IMPRESSED.
OUT ON DAVID LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE]
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EP79/SC23. INT. STROMBOLIS RESTAURANT. DAY. 19:06

ELAINE, HARRISON
NSE WAITER, NSE DINERS
[ELAINE SITS ALONE IN A GORGEOUS, ROMANTIC
RESTAURANT WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS PART OF
A COUPLE. THE OVERTURE TO THE GONDOLIERS
PRO ARTE ORCHESTRA PLAYS IN THE
BACKGROUND OF ALL THESE RESTAURANT
SCENES.
SHE LOOKS AT HER MOBILE NO MESSAGES.
SHE LOOKS AT HER TWO EMPTY WINE GLASSES.
AND SHE CATCHES THE WAITERS EYE]
ELAINE:
Look, Im really sorry, I dont think my friends coming. Can I just pay for
these and leave?
[AND HARRISON RUSHES IN, A BIT FLUSTERED, BUT
INCREDIBLY CHARMING]
HARRISON:
Elaine, Im so sorry. Have you been waiting for long?
ELAINE:
Oh, about two glasses and a packet of breadsticks.
HARRISON:
So sorry. It was work. And life. And work life balance. Just something I
couldnt get out of.
ELAINE:
You had your phone turned off.
HARRISON:
I was driving. I hate being late. Is there any way I can make it up to you?
ELAINE:
Well see.
[OUT ON ELAINE STILL A BIT MIFFED]
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EP79/SC24. INT. THEATRE CORRIDOR. DAY. 19:53

HESTON, JULIA, DAVID, HOWARD, SUE
NSE AUDITIONEES
[IN A CORRIDOR BACKSTAGE, THE MEMBERS OF
THE L.L.O.S. SIT ROUND, WAITING TO BE CALLED
FOR AUDITION. AND HESTON IS HARANGUING
JULIA]
HESTON:
Oh dear. This could be the worst disaster since Titanic. Though no doubt,
hes going to set his next production of H.M.S. Pinafore on the Titanic.
JULIA:
Mmm.
HESTON:
What did he mean theres nothing pretty in a Howard Woodham
production?
JULIA:
I dont know. But you could be in with a chance.
[HESTON ISNT QUITE SURE HOW TO TAKE THIS,
AND JULIA SEES DAVID, LOOKING VERY FORLORN
AT THE FAR END OF THE CORRIDOR]
HESTON:
Why are you still here?
JULIA:
I want to have a word with someone.
[AND JULIA APPROACHES DAVID]
JULIA:
Hi.
DAVID:
Julia. Are you auditioning?
JULIA:
No, I just wanted to support my colleague. Hows it going?
DAVID:
I dont know. Its weird to find Im still breathing. My feet still move, even
though theres nowhere I want to go.

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JULIA:
Are you going to audition?
DAVID:
Whats the point?
[AND HOWARD POKES HIS HEAD ROUND THE
DOOR]
HOWARD:
Moss! David Moss?
[JULIA GIVES AN ENCOURAGING LOOK.
OUT ON DAVID BRACING HIMSELF]
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EP79/SC25. INT. STROMBOLIS RESTAURANT. DAY. 19:54

ELAINE, HARRISON
NSE DINERS, NSE WAITERS
[ELAINE AND HARRISON TUCK INTO THEIR
GNOCCHI]
HARRISON:
So. Am I forgiven?
ELAINE:
Well its hard to be too angry with a mouth full of this.
HARRISON:
It is good, isnt it?
[AND THEY START TO SAVOUR EACH ORGASMIC
MOUTHFUL]
ELAINE:
Mmm.
HARRISON:
Mmmmm!
ELAINE:
Ah!
HARRISON:
Really? Is that an ah? I thought it was more of an ooo.
ELAINE:
Dont push it!
HARRISON:
More wine?
ELAINE:
Sounds like a plan.
HARRISON:
Now they do two types of Chianti. So some more of this one, or how
about a bit of the other?
[ELAINE GRINS HIS CHEESY INNUENDOES ARE
STRANGELY ENDEARING.
OUT ON ELAINE BLISSFUL]
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EP79/SC26. INT. THEATRE. STAGE. DAY. 19:55

DAVID, HOWARD
NSE PIANIST
[THE PIANIST PLAYS, HOWARD WATCHES AND
DAVID SINGS. HE HAS A SWEET VOICE WITH A
RAW, VULNERABLE QUALITY]
DAVID:
The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine.
As we merrily dance and we sing, tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring, tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And thats what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la
[HOWARD MAKES A THROAT-CUTTING GESTURE,
SO THE PIANIST AND DAVID STOP.
HOWARD STRIDES ONTO THE STAGE]
HOWARD:
Now, there are two things that Im not getting. Im not getting sex. And
Im not getting death. Now, Nanki-Poo is about to be executed, and this
song is the primal scream of a man on the brink of oblivion. Can you do
that?
DAVID:
Um
HOWARD:
Didnt think so. But lets try an exercise. (SUDDENLY GETTING OFF
ON THE POWER) I know! Why dont you take your shirt off?
DAVID:
What!?
[OUT ON DAVID ALARMED]
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EP79/SC27. INT. STROMBOLIS RESTAURANT. DAY. 19:56

ELAINE, HARRISON
NSE WAITER, NSE DINERS
[THE MEAL IS OVER. THERE ARE TWO EMPTY
ESPRESSO CUPS ON THE TABLE. HARRISON TYPES
HIS PIN NUMBER INTO A CREDIT CARD READER,
AND THE NSE WAITER WAITS FOR THE RECEIPT]
ELAINE:
Excuse me! Its a bit Neanderthal to assume you have to pay.
HARRISON:
OK. Next time its your turn.
ELAINE:
Ill take you up on that.
HARRISON:
So, there is going to be a next time?
[THEY LOOK INTO EACH OTHERS EYES BOTH
EXCITED TO BE AT THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING
SPECIAL.
AND HARRISONS PHONE RINGS TOTALLY
RUINING THE MOMENT]
HARRISON:
Sorry. I have to get this.
[HE ANSWERS IT]
HARRISON:
Hello?
[AND HE EXITS TO TAKE THE CALL.
ELAINE SIGHS A DEEP, CONTENTED SIGH. THIS IS
BLISS.
THEN THE WAITER RETURNS HARRISONS CREDIT
CARD ON THE TABLE]
ELAINE:
Thanks.

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[ELAINE GLANCES AT THE CARD AND GETS A

HORRIBLY FAMILIAR SINKING FEELING
BCU: THE CARD IS IN THE NAME OF MR H AND
MRS F KELLOR.
OUT ON ELAINE CRASHING DOWN TO EARTH]
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EP79/SC28. INT. THE THEATRE. STAGE. DAY. 19:57

DAVID, HOWARD
NSE PIANIST
[DAVID IS NOW TOPLESS, HIS HANDS TIED
TOGETHER, AND HES WEARING A BLINDFOLD.
HOWARD PROWLS AROUND HIM.
THE PIANIST PLAYS THE FLOWERS THAT BLOOM
IN THE SPRING SLOWLY AND QUIETLY
THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE]
HOWARD:
Oh thats good. You look so vulnerable. Now I want you to feel something
for me. I want you to feel a deep obsidian blackness pouring through your
soul. Can you do that?
DAVID:
I think so.
HOWARD:
Splendid.
[HOWARDS PHONE RINGS ITS DOWN IN THE
AUDIENCE AREA]
HOWARD:
Sorry. Id best get that.
[HE CLAMBERS OFF THE STAGE, HEADS FOR HIS
PHONE, AND TAKES THE CALL]
HOWARD:
Hello? This is Howard. Oh youre here? Marvellous No, no, youve
got the wrong door. Turn left, and carry on walking Sorry, its a very bad
signal.
[SO HOWARD PROJECTS]
HOWARD:
Turn left, and carry on walking!!!
[AND UP ON THE STAGE, DAVID DOES SO, AND
COMES CRASHING DOWN INTO THE ORCHESTRA
PIT. AND IN A STATE OF SOME ALARM, THE
PIANISTS HANDS COME CRASHING DOWN ON THE
PIANO. OUT ON HOWARD THE HORROR]
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EP79/SC29. INT. STROMBOLIS RESTAURANT. DAY. 19:58

ELAINE, HARRISON
NSE DINERS, NSE WAITER
[HARRISON RETURNS TO THE TABLE, IN A
BUOYANT MOOD. ELAINE IS SITTING THERE WITH
HER COAT ON VERY STILL, VERY COMPOSED]
HARRISON:
All done?
ELAINE:
Yes. I think we are.
HARRISON:
Whats the matter?
ELAINE:
This thing you couldnt get out of. It wouldnt happen to be your
marriage.
[SHE HANDS OVER THE CARD]
HARRISON:
Look, let me explain.
ELAINE:
No, dont bother. Youve never done this before, but you couldnt help
yourself, and your marriage has broken down anyway.
HARRISON:
Its not like that.
[ELAINE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND STANDS UP]
ELAINE:
I dont want to know.
[ELAINE LEAVES THE RESTAURANT WITH
IMMACULATE POISE AND GRACE.
OUT ON HARRISON WATCHING HER GO. DAMN!]
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EP79/SC30. INT. THEATRE.. STAGE. DAY. 19:59

HESTON, JULIA, DAVID, HOWARD, SUE
NSE AUDITIONEES, NSE PIANIST
[DAVID LIES ON HIS BACK, SLOWLY REGAINING
CONSCIOUSNESS, AND LOOKING UP AT THE WHOLE
OF THE L.L.O.S. LOOKING DOWN ON HIM]
HESTON:
Ah, David! Youre with us. Now can you just follow my finger.
[DAVID FOLLOWS HESTONS FINGER AND WHILE
HESTON CONTINUES TO CHECK UP ON HIM IN THE
BACKGROUND, WE STAY WITH HOWARD AND
JULIA IN THE FOREGROUND]
HESTON:
Could someone untie his hands?
[THE PIANIST DOES SO]
JULIA:
What idiot tied his hands together!?
HOWARD:
That would be me. It was an acting exercise.
JULIA:
A what!?
HOWARD:
I wanted him to experience misery and fear.
JULIA:
No you didnt. You wanted to experience power. Which is what its all
about with you.
[AND IN THE BACKGROUND, HESTON AND THE NSE
PIANIST HELP DAVID TO HIS FEET]
HOWARD:
I refute that! I wanted him to know how it feels to be a man on the edge of
an abyss. With nothing to look forward to but death.
[AND DAVID PUSHES HIS WAY TOWARDS HOWARD.
AFTER SUFFERING IN SILENCE, HE HAS FINALLY
FOUND HIS VOICE]

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DAVID:
Do you think I dont know how it feels to lose everything? To love
someone, and know youre never going to have them, cos theyve found
someone else. And actually, I might as well be dead, because Ive lost the
one thing that made life worth living.
[AND DAVID LOOKS ACROSS AT SUE, HEARTBROKEN.
SUE IS SHOCKED AND STUNNED HES SURELY
NOT TALKING ABOUT HER?
DAVID RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.
JULIA LOOKS ON, HELPLESSLY. AND AS SHE DOES
SO, WE HEAR I HAVE A SONG TO SING, O! BY
PETER, PAUL & MARY, WHICH CONTINUES UNDER
THE NEXT SCENE.
OUT ON JULIA ABOUT TO FOLLOW DAVID]
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EP79/SC31. INT/EXT. THEATRE. FOYER. DAY. 20:02

JULIA, DAVID, SUE
[I HAVE A SONG TO SING, O! CONTINUES
UNDERNEATH.
A DISTRAUGHT DAVID RUNS INTO THE FOYER,
GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR, BUT ITS BOLTED SHUT.
HE UNDOES THE BOLTS, AND RUNS OUTSIDE.
JULIA EMERGES, JUST TOO LATE TO CATCH HIM.
SHE SHOUTS THROUGH THE GLASS]
JULIA:
David!
[BUT ITS TOO LATEHES OFF.
AND SUE ENTERS THE FOYER, ANXIOUS]
SUE:
Has he gone?
JULIA:
Fraid so.
SUE:
That was a bit intense. Ive never seen him like that.
JULIA:
Well hes been keeping it inside for so long, but now the genies out of
the bottle.
SUE:
Who was he talking about?
[JULIA CAN HARDLY BELIEVE HER EARS]
JULIA:
Sue! I think you need to look in the mirror.
[AND NEITHER CAN SUE]
SUE:
Really? I never knew. I mean, Ive sometimes wondered, but
JULIA:
So how do you feel about him?

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SUE:
David? Well, hes funny and sweet and kind. But its a long time since Ive
been with anyone.
JULIA:
So youre single?
SUE:
Thats right.
JULIA:
And the two of you have never
SUE:
Only on stage. Sometimes Ive thought: hang on, this is real, but you dont
cross that line, do you, because what if hes just acting?
JULIA:
Believe me he meant every word he said. And now he really needs to
know how you feel.
[OUT ON SUE - THOUGHTFUL]
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EP79/SC32. INT. THEATRE. KITCHENETTE. DAY. 20:05

HESTON, HOWARD
[HOWARD STAGGERS INTO THE KITCHENETTE,
TERRIBLY STRESSED BY THIS EVENINGS EVENTS.
HE GRABS A COFFEE MUG AND THEN EMPTIES
THE CONTENTS OF HIS HIP FLASK INTO IT.
AND THERES A KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
HOWARD:
Enter!
[HESTON ENTERS, ALL SMILES]
HESTON:
Just to let you know, Letherbridge Life have promised to come another
evening.
HOWARD:
Oh lord.
HESTON:
But on the positive side, at least we didnt end up with Letherbridge Death.
HOWARD:
Honestly! How could today get any worse?
HESTON:
Right. I was just wondering. Can I do my song?
HOWARD:
Oh. The pianists gone home.
HESTON:
A cappella?
[AND HOWARD SITS DOWN]
HOWARD:
OK then. Hit me, Hezza. But Im not looking for anything nice. I want
something thats raw. Something huge. Something which will make my
eyes water.
HESTON:
Ill do my best.

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[HESTON SINGS. HE SINGS WITH A PASSIONATE

INTENSITY THE SONG OF A MAN ON THE EDGE OF
AN ABYSS. IT IS ASTONISHING OR APPALLING
DEPENDING ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW]
HESTON:
A wandering minstrel I,
A thing of shreds and patches.
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
[OUT ON HOWARD HIS MOUTH A HUGE, GAPING
CHASM]
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EP79/SC33. INT. DAVIDS BEDSIT. DAY. 20:10

DAVID, SUE
[DAVID SITS ALONE IN HIS BEDSIT, ALSO IN
AGONY, STARING INTO SPACE.
AND THERES A VERY INSISTENT KNOCK AT THE
DOOR]
DAVID:
Hold on!
[HE GETS UP, AND OPENS THE DOOR]
DAVID:
Sue!
[SHE ENTERS, AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER]
SUE:
Well thanks for abandoning me.
[AND DAVID FEELS AWFUL]
DAVID:
Im sorry. Things are just a bit difficult.
[HE GOES AND SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA. HE CANT
BEAR TO LOOK AT HER]
SUE:
I know. Is it to do with me?
[AND HE LOOKS UP AT HER WITH TEARFUL EYES]
DAVID:
Yeah.
SUE:
What did you mean about finding someone, only theyd found someone
else?
DAVID:
Well you have. I heard you on the phone at work.
[AND SUE FEELS AWFUL. BUT ALSO RELIEVED]

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SUE:
David! I was talking to my mum. She wants me to stay over to keep an eye
on dad. Hes got Parkinsons.
[AND THE NEWS THAT SHE WAS TALKING TO HER
MUM, NOT A RIVAL, IS A WEIGHT OFF DAVIDS
MIND]
DAVID:
Oh! Thats wonderful! I mean, not about your dad, obviously.
[SUE JOINS HIM ON THE SOFA]
SUE:
I know. I get a bit fed up, actually. Im always having to look after dad.
Mum never asks my sister, whos married, but because Im single
DAVID:
Yeah. I spent ten years looking after my mum. Everyone thinks you can
do it youre young, youre single. And before you know it, youre middleaged and single.
SUE:
Story of my life.
DAVID:
Look. Do you fancy doing something something that doesnt involve
singing, or putting on a costume?
SUE:
What you mean, like, getting a life?
DAVID:
Mmm.
SUE:
Yeah. Id like that very much.
DAVID:
Oh. Thats great. I dont think Ive ever been out with you, when weve not
had a script.
SUE:
Well. Well just have to improvise.
[THEY MOVE IN TO KISS. AND AS THEY DO SO,
WE HEAR THE SUN, WHOSE RAYS, PERFORMED
BY LESLEY GARRETT, WHICH CONTINUES OVER
THE REST OF THE EPISODE.
OUT ON DAVID AND SUE HAPPY EVER AFTER]
CUT TO:

50

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC34. INT. THEATRE. FOYER. DAY. 20:15

JULIA, HESTON
[THE MUSIC CONTINUES. JULIA IS WAITING IN THE
FOYER. HESTON EMERGES FROM THE
KITCHENETTE, HIS FACE GIVING NOTHING
AWAY]
JULIA:
How did it go?
HESTON:
I didnt get the part.
JULIA:
(GENUINELY SORRY) Oh.
HESTON:
He said my voice had a certain visceral quality, but possibly a bit too much
intensity.
JULIA:
Im sorry.
HESTON:
But I did get another part! Ko-Ko.
JULIA:
Heston! Is there much singing?
HESTON:
Well there is some. But its mostly standing around, looking pompous.
JULIA:
Thatll be a challenge
[THEY STEP OUTSIDE]
CUT TO:

51

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC35. EXT. THEATRE. DAY. 20:16

HESTON, JULIA
[MUSIC CONTINUES. THEY HEAD TOWARDS THEIR
CARS]
HESTON:
Im sorry if Ive been a bit obsessed.
JULIA:
A bit?!
HESTON:
You have to allow me my midlife crisis.
JULIA:
Is that what this is?
HESTON:
Could be.
JULIA:
(CONCERNED) Heston
HESTON:
Im not saying my lifes been a total disaster. I lost Christine. Had the heart
attack. Lost Lily. But on the positive side, now I can wear a kimono and
whip out my basso profondo.
[JULIA SMILES]
JULIA:
Does you good to get out of your skin. Just so long as you know when to
stop acting.
[OUT ON JULIA CONTENTED]
CUT TO:

52

EPISODE 79 LIFE WITHOUT YUM-YUM FORMATTED

31 MARCH 2011

EP79/SC36. INT. ELAINES HOUSE. KITCHEN. DAY. 20:30

ELAINE, HARRISON (OOV)
[MUSIC CONTINUES. ELAINE STEPS INTO HER
KITCHEN, STILL A BIT SHAKEN. SHE LOOKS AT
HER MOBILE - BCU: SHE HAS 4 MISSED CALLS:
HARRISON.
SHE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR, TAKES OFF HER EARRINGS AND CURSES HERSELF FOR MAKING SO
MUCH EFFORT FOR SUCH A WORTHLESS MAN.
AND THE PHONE RINGS. SHE WINCES AND
LISTENS TO THE BEEP, AS IT CLICKS ON TO THE
ANSWERPHONE]
HARRISON (OOV):
Elaine? Elaine, please pick up. Im sorry. And I wish Id told you, but
youre such a wonderful person, I knew as soon as I told you, it would be
the end. And maybe we should end it, but my marriage is over.
[ELAINE SLOWLY HEADS TOWARDS THE PHONE. IT
LOOKS AS IF SHES GOING TO PICK UP]
HARRISON (OOV):
And I know its wrong. But you have to admit. We really do go well tog
[BUT SHE UNPLUGS IT.
ELAINE SHAKES HER HEAD, AND HAS ANOTHER
LOOK AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR.
SERIAL HOOK ELAINE, TAKING A LONG HARD
LOOK, AND WONDERING WHY SHE SEEMS TO
ATTRACT SUCH UNSUITABLE MEN]
END OF EPISODE.

53