The heads of various states have assembled at the All Nations Conference at the

Hotel Avenida to work towards World Peace.

Colombia and Germany enter spot light

Colombia walks up to Germany
C: Hiii, Im representing Colombia. Nice to meet you! Who do you represent?
G: Is it not obvious? I am most efficient economy in the world.
C: aaaah, so youre representing America!?
G: America? Those fat, gunslinging, oil guzzling republicans?
America turns around and gives Germany a dirty look
G: no no, Ill give you a hint. I keep Europe alive
C: oh of couuuuurse, you must be Russian then
G: What? No! Those vodka drinking, bear riding homophobes?
Russia turns around and give Germany a dirty look
G: ok heres another hint. We have the juiciest, most succulent meat in Europe.
We call them schnitzel
C: I seeee, I got you now. Youre obviously spain! Their chorio is amaaazing.
G: I see Colombia isnt doing so well dealing with their drug problem are they?
Im obviously Germany!
C: OOOooooooh. Germany (awkwardly) so uh, how are you guys nowadays?
G: What do you mean? Were keeping the EU alive
C: oooh, but uh, with the whole holocaust incident and all. You guys are, better
now?
G: Oh. My. God. Why does everyone always bring up the holocaust. We had a
maniacal dictator. Germany has made up for our past mistakes and we just want
to move on without hearing everyone talk about our quest to rule the world! So
can we please just move on.
C: Ah, ok So youre good now. How are you doing with the US, Russia and them?

US and Russia step in.
-----

Putin: America, my friend. I believe we haven't spoken in a long time. Actually, I
haven't even had a chance to talk to you about the whole NSA affair. Great
program though, I got to say. It is practicable and exactly the right way a civilized
society should go about fighting terrorism.
America: Thank you, I appreciate your agreement with me on this. The NSA is
valuable intelligence that helps us protect the American people, and theyre
worth preserving. Im comfortable that if the American people examined how it
was being used, they would say, you know what, these folks are following the law
and doing what they say theyre doing.
Russia: I believe so too. There is nothing to be particularly pleased about, nor is
there anything to be particularly upset about. Spying has always existed and it is
one of the oldest professions, along with some others that I will not name here.
America: True. I guess the Americans just got the wrong impression when a
particular patriot and hero Mr. Snowden suddenly appeared and gave them
information they thought was kept from them on purpose. I dont think Mr.
Snowden was a patriot for leaking the NSA documents.
Putin: I don't know. I have never met Mr. Snowden personally. I have a busy
schedule. Obama: Still you granted him asylum?
Putin: He ended up on our territory as a result of the circumstances, you know. I
have already explained everything regarding this point. He has to decide his
future life for himself. We will neither help him nor hinder him. All we have done
is gave him asylum.
Obama: Could I kindly ask you to return our citizen to us?
Putin: No.
Obama: Are you working with him?
Putin: We aren't.
Obama: Promise me you aren't working with him.
Putin: We aren't.
Obama: And you're not letting him spread anti-America propaganda.
Putin: We aren't.
Obama: You are a great friend and ally. (walks away)
Germany and US are off and SA comes in
------
CO- So South Africa how is everything going? You know, with all the
developments you have had since the world cup?
SA- It has been incredibly good for us actually. Thank you for asking. The
world cup has really got us off our feet.
CO- Oh thats great! And Shakira? What did you think of her? Did she
represent the African spirit in her song?
SA- Oh yes of course Shakiras song tied the entire event together. We in
South Africa are very grateful to Shakira.
CO- Thats nice to hear, she really is one of the biggest prides in our
country.
SA- Yes, your biggest pride does not come cheap.
CO- Well actually she was given what was in her contract, but
considering her success. I think she deserved more. So personally it didnt seem
fair to me
SA- Not fair?! NOT FAIR?
CO- YES, AM I NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH!?
SA-.. After all the struggle only 20 years after Nelson Mandela freed us
from the white man and still have the audacity to tell me it is not fair?
CO- Why is it that every conversation I try to have with you, you ALWAYS
bring up Nelson Mandela?
SA- You are that cold hearted to talk about him like that? My country is
currently in a great depression for the man that changed the world.
CO- I do understand but the thing is we are talking about S-H-A-K-I-R-A!
Not Nelson Mandela
SA- *looks up* Im sorry Madiba she doesnt appreciate you! *starts
singing a Zulu song*
*Colombia leaves the conversation*


South Africa: Russia, I am extremely pleased with the recent development
between our countries.
Putin: The pleasure is all mine. You are not the first country to become
dependent -connected to Russia, you will not regret it. We will increase your
nuclear energy by tons of kilo watts, and we'll be supplying nuclear fuel for your
country.
South Africa: Exactly. Eight new reactors, I am so excited.
Russia: This process will make yet another developing nation dependent on
Mother Russia .
South Africa: What?
Russia: I said, this process will help your developing nation and our Mother
Russia. I would like to express my condolences about Mandela. Must be horrible.
I can't even imagine what my Russians would do if I died.
South Africa (stiff): It was an unprecedented tragedy that shook our country. Our
great Madiba-
Russia: Who?
South Africa: Madiba, our father. And just as we are speaking of the topic, we did
notice your absence at the funeral.
Russia: Very sorry about that, I had to address my nation. Let me come by
Pretoria and sign the book of condolences.
South Africa: Bluntly speaking, I pick up that you weren't very fond of our great
leader.
Russia: I just find it hard to relate to his story. I mean, 27 years in prison and all
that. Nobody could survive three decades in a Russian prison (chuckles).
South Africa: But so he did, our powerful and unmatched-
Russia: Also, I can't imagine being in a prison myself, you see. I put people in
prison, I was never locked up in one. And as we have few black people in Russia,
Mandela's struggle is of minimal importance to us. Excuse me now, I must go and
speak to Greece, maybe I should move some troops into Greece.
Russia leaves

Uganda comes in
Uganda: Hello, South Africa! So how's your HIV aids rate now?

SA: Yes still rising I have decided it is worthless to try and get my population to take a
shower.

Uganda: My friend! Your HIV rate is already 13% higher than mine. If you don't take an
action it will rise a lot. I don't think showering is the solution.

SA: Loot at me after multiple times in which love was made I always take a shower. I'm aids
free.

Uganda: My friend! Only you are aids free not your population.

SA: Exactly: the shower.

Uganda: (Hits on the head) Alright!

SA: So whats your solution then?

US and Russia enter


(The US walks over to Russia and casually begins a conversation)
US: So I heard your thing about gays. funny thing huh?
Russia: I dont know why you are here again, we already had our conversation
(The US then goes right up to Russia and indicates to his gun.)
US: Alright man, give us Snowden, I get you dont like us but thats not nice! Dont
make me show you the bullet inside this sweet American invention
Russia: What?! How did you get that in here?
US: That! Is what happens when you legalize firearms...
Russia: That and 32,000 deaths a year
(The US glares at him and Russia continues speaking)
Russia: What?! Ok fine, but let me just say this will strain our relationship to say
the least
US: What relationship?! You just cant let go of the silly cold war, just move on,
we have been in at least 3 wars since then, geez get over it (He rolls his eyeballs),
so Snowden by Monday?
Russia: Fine! (Whispers) Lunatic Americans (He then pulls out a flask of
emergency vodka (The name Emergency Vodka on the side) and drinks deeply
(While the US walks away giving out American flags to other nations.)
Russia: Negotiating with America is like playing chess with a pigeon. The pigeon
knocks over all the pieces, shits on the board and then struts around like it won
the game.
US leaves leaving Russia, Uganda and SA

(RUSSIA and America Scene)
Putin: Uganda, I believe you and I should have a talk about the gays. My friend,
you are one of the few who still has the right opinion on this matter.
SA: WAIT! Uganda lets finish our conversation.
Uganda: Thats fine. I can answer both at the same time. I think the gays are
abnormal, and there abnormality and the massive influx of them can be the only
reason for the rise in aids. That is why I passed an anti-gay law.
Putin: Agreed. Problem is, that America is coming again knocking on my door
complaining, as he always does. His Americans are all saying that homosexuality
is just an alternative orientation.
SA: But both of you have lost large amounts of funding and support from other
countries since you passed your anti homosexuality law. By now your gay rights
groups are collecting more money from the US and UK than you guys are.
Uganda: We know but I will do what I believe is right and I believe you cannot
call an abnormality an alternative orientation. It could be that the Western
societies, on account of random breeding, have generated many abnormal
people.
Putin (chuckles): I believe so, too. But fine, since everybody is pressuring Russia
once again because of those Olympic Games, we have to let the gays run free for a
while. Until attention has shifted away from us. Just don't let those weirdoes get
close to our children. As I always put it: "stay calm and at ease, and away from
our children, please."
Uganda: Very good. And when the Ukraine situation is over, you can deal with
them again.
SA: I see there is no changing your mind about this. The solution may not be my
shower. But it is definitely not the idea that the gays caused all this, as you said
earlier.
Uganda: SA, What other explanation do you have besides your absurd shower
idea. Unlike Aids, I believe gays can be cured. Basically, the women become
lesbians because of sexual starvation. That one is easy to cure. (chuckle)
Putin: Interesting opinion, we should discuss this further somewhere
else(glances at SA). And by the way, I like your tie.
Russia, Uganda, SA leave
Mozambique, US, Greece, Germany enter
Greece: (talking to Columbia) Well at least we're better off than those Africans.

Moz: (turns around) Ehhe! Vou te bater!
SA: YAH! You dont have any money.
Moz: Yah! No Money.
Greece: well neither do you.
SA: We have coal.
Moz: Me also.
Greece: Arent the chinese taking all of it?
SA: Well, you corrupt
Moz:Ya Corrupt
Greece: Aren't you the same? SA, remember the Guptas? Who uses an entire
high security air base to land in private charters filled with wedding guests?
SA: Thats low. It was just a generous donation(whisper to Moz) to my wallet.
Moz: Wait, why our Indians in Mozambique arent so generous. We need those
Durban people.
Greece: Dam it. So do we.
SA: HA Ha I Win.
Germany: Greece, get over here!
US: Yup, thats right, biggest economy in the world right here Thats right
everyone, the biggest military and economic power to ever exist coming through
(He goes right in between Germany and Russia visibly annoying them)
Mozambique: Hey US?
US: Yes inferior country not the United States?
Mozambique: Would you mind Giving us a loan, we would like to improve our
growing nation.
US: (Opens his wallet and the America F*ck ya! Song plays as he opens it and
finds nothing)
US: Uh you see I mean we ARE the greatest and most powerful economic
nation, we just. Dont have any money at the moment
(At that moment Greece walks buy visibly begging for money, Germany gives lots
to Greece and Greece continues begging and comes over to US)
Greece: Change for the poor?
(The US turns and shakes his hand)
US: Look, you are poor because you havent been following in American
footsteps, I promise to help your country by introducing full on sweet capitalism.
You probably lost it by employing socialist ideals.
(US shakes his hand and steals his money in the other hand discreetly, he then
turns towards Mozambique)
US: Oh would you look at that! A few billion lying around, here you go; now the
city of Mozambique can become a great city, possibly like a small New York!
Mozambique: Thank you so much, this will go to helping the Mozambican people!
(Mozambique then pockets his money and walks away)
Greece: My friends, I was wondering if anyone could send me 5 mets? I need them
to call Germany.
U.S: Mets? So you really did leave the Eurozone? Do thing still make sense (does
gesture with hands). Buahaha.
Greece: Haha, funny. (Does a serious face) We didnt leave the euro Vodacom just
has great promotions
Mozambique: Ah muito obrigado Chefe! Thank you, thank you!
Greece: Its true.
U.S: Well, I can send you the money. Just give me your phone number
Greece: Give YOU, MY number? Are you mad? Do you know who you are? You
guys are worse than my wife You wont have my number because I dont want
you spying on us. But still, thanks.
U.S: Okay, fine then. That was really offensive but, you know what, I wont even
bother fighting with you. Youre your worst enemy already. Haha
Greece: Whatever you say, buddy. Now, seriously, I really need that money
guys
Everyone: Hahaha, pfft.
Greece: Did I tell any joke? Do not laugh of our misery, our gods WILL punish you
all.
Mozambique: Ahh, ahh, macumba!! (Mozambican word for black magic). No!
Please no macumba!! We will send the money. Dont get angry please!
Greece: I appreciate it but I cant accept it. You need it more than us. Use that
money and buy a land or something.
Moz: At least we tried (tsk).
Germany: No one will send you the money, Greece. Everyone saw the news.
Youre not the crisis en vogue anymore. So, go work.
U.S: Yes, we did see the news. But, the situation is pretty bad, still.
Greece: Why?
U.S: Well, 200 people tried to commit suicide in MYKONOS! Who wants to
commit suicide in paradise?
(Greece walks away. End of conversation).
Germany: Now that we are talking about money and debt, did anyone invite
Portugal?
Greece and Germany leave
USA: Hey Mozambique we sent a convoy containing 500 nukes but when it
passed you we only had 5, what happened?
Moz: *Click* Aha Roberrto que fiz agora, eu dis vai comprar batata nao vai robar
ou bomba. Umm
USA: Well
Moz: Dont be surprised is somebody trying to sell you a nuke at a red light.
USA: Dont worry we have 50,000 just lying around to spare
Moz: Thank you very much if we find them we promise to give them back
(USA leaves and Mozambique speaks into a phone)
Moz: Ello? Gaboza? Roberto got it right this time, we have the nukes Yes, yes
South Africa will be ours!
USA: What was that?
Moz: Nada patrao
USA: You see! And countries get angry when I give out weapons, finally someone
who appreciates it.
Colombia enters:
US: Good to see Mexico is being represented.
CO: I am NOT Mexico. I am Columbia, Gringo!
US: I am sorry Mam! What did you just call me?
CO: Its a nickname we gave you guys in one of the wars for being all dressed in
green, all the time yelling GO! Grin-go, Gring-o, Grin-go! Get it?
US: Oh thats nothing. We have a nickname for you as well. We call most of the
Latinos, Mexican. You cant really blame us though, with all the illegal
immigration done in our country
CO: Hey! We clean your houses, do your gardening, and make your products in
factories. Without us, you would have to do everything yourselves.
US: Without you, we wouldnt have a rampant drug issue.
CO: Its ironic how you blame us for your drug problem, when you are one of the
highest drug -consuming countries in the world, when only a small percentage of
Colombia produces them.
US: (under his breath) Whatever. Mexicans They are all the same
Columbia: Hey (shouts after him) Im Colombian, not Mexican.
USA leaves.

















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