INT.

GROCERY STORE, DAY

THERE IS A BANNER READING "BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY"
PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED. THE ENTIRE CAST, INCLUDING EVERYONE NOT
MENTIONED BY NAME SO NO ONE CAN GET MAD (BUT EXCLUDING
GREGGY) ARE MILLING AROUND THE PRODUCE SECTION. AGATA RUSHES
IN.
AGATA
Sean Ha!e" In #! $%%&'e, n$( T)e *e"+ $% !$,,
(a-a+a #en+&$n" e.e*! /e*"$n 0! na#e (&+)$,+ 1ea.&n-
an!$ne $,+)
-e+ "$#e GD 2&3" &n )e*e T)&" &" 0*&n- !$,* ')&13 +$ ($*2
3a!, 3$n4+ !$, )a.e an! 2&3"5
HAYES LOOKS AT SEAN AND GULPS. SEAN SHRUGS, HE4S CALM AS A
CANTALOUPE. SEAN AND HAYES ENTER AGATA4S O66ICE.
AGATA (CONT4D)
O2 0$!", 0*&n- !$,* ')&13 +$ ($*2 3a! &" .e*! &#/$*+an+ +$
+)e $(ne*. M* An')$*#an &n"&"+" +)a+ (e %&11 +)e "+$*e (&+)
+)e /&++e* /a++e* $% 1&++1e %ee+, 0,+ n$+ +$$ 1&++1e 0e'a,"e 0a0!
)ea3" '*ee/ )&# $,+.
HAYES
S$ !$, (an+ ," +$ +a2e ')a*-e $n 2&3 *,"+1&n- +)en, 0$""5
SEAN
I 2n$( "$#e -&*1" a+ +)e )&-) "')$$1, I '$,13 -e+ 1&2e 778 &n
)e*e n$ /*$01e#.
AGATA
A*e !$, '*a9!5 I )a.e
(AGATA #en+&$n" e.e*!$ne 0,+ G*e--! 0! na#e)
($*2&n- $n +)a+ a1*ea3!. N$, I )a.e "/e'&a1 :$0" %$* !$,
0$!". Ha!e", !$,4*e -$&n- +$ )e1/ #e (&+) #!
0$$22ee/&n-, an3 Sean5
SEAN
Ye" 0$""5
DURING THIS DIALOGUE, SEAN HAS PICKED UP A MAGA;INE 6ROM
AGATA4S DESK AND HAS BEEN LEA6ING THROUGH IT. AGATA GETS A
TERRIBLE, EVIL GLEAM IN HER EYE.
AGATA
We :,"+ *e'e&.e3 a -&an+ $n&$n ")&/#en+. Y$, (&11 0e
"+a'2&n- +)e# &n /*$3,'e.
SEAN
W)<()<WHAT55
SEAN THROWS THE MAGA;INE IN THE AIR IN AN EXCEEDINGLY WACKY
6ASHION.
AGATA
A11 *&-)+, +)a+4" en$,-) $,+ $% !$,, -e+ +$ ($*2. Ha!e", -$
-e+ #e +)e 0$$2" %*$# +)e S'$++ An')$*#an W)a+ U/ W)a+
U/ Me#$*&a1 B*$$# C1$"e+. Sean, -e+ "+a'2&n-.

AGATA TAKES OUT A NAIL 6ILE AND 6ILES HER NAILS EVILLY. SEAN AND
HAYES EXIT THE O66ICE.
SEAN
I 3$n4+ 2n$( &% I 'an 3$ +)&", Ha!e" Y$, 2n$( )$(
"en"&+&.e I a# +$ $n&$n". Le+4" +*a3e :$0", $2 0,33!5
HAYES
C$#e $n Sean, !$, 2n$( !$, 'an4+ '$,n+. Be"&3e", &+4" n$+
1&2e !$, )a.e +$ ',+ +)e $n&$n", :,"+ "+a'2 +)e# ,/.
SEAN
A((((, Ha!e"
THE BOYS SPLIT UP.
INT. MEAT SECTION
BACK IN THE MEAT SECTION, THE ENTIRE GANG WHO I HAVE NOT
MENTIONED BY NAME BUT THEY ARE DE6INITELY ALL THERE ARE HAVING
A DISCUSSION.
CHANSON
C$#e $n a"")$1e", ()e*e a*e (e -$&n- +$ %&n3 ')&13*en5 I
($,13 ne.e* "+$$/ "$ 1$( a" +$ a""$'&a+e #!"e1% (&+) a
')&13.
PAT SMEAR
Ma!0e Sean 'an %&n3 ," "$#e5 He )an-" $,+ (&+) )&-)
"')$$1 -&*1" a 1$+.
=E66REYPARTIES
H&-) "')$$1 -&*1"5 N$ (a!, I (&11 n$+ 0e a PARTY +$ +)&".
THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD. =E66REYPARTIES DOES > BACK6LIPS ACROSS
THE STAGE AND EXITS THE SCENE, AND THE ENTIRE EPISODE, EVEN I6 I
SAY EVERYONE IS THERE.
TOBY KEITH SWEAT
T)$"e 0a'2%1&/"5 T)e! (e*e +e**&01e. Ha)a na) :,"+ 2&33&n-,
+)e! (e*e '$$1.
SPENNY AND THE =ETS POINTEDLY LOOKS O66STAGE.
SPENNY AND THE =ETS
We11, (e )a.e $ne 2&3 a+ 1ea"+, )e*e '$#e" G*e--!.
SHOWSHOWBRO
S),+ ,/ %*$"), G*e--! &"n4+ a 2&3. L$$2" 1&2e )e )a" $ne
(&+) )&# +)$,-).
SPENNY AND THE =ETS
T)a+4" ()a+ I #ean+...
GREGGY ENTERS THE SCENE 6OLLOWED BY A SMALL CHILD ON A
SKATEBOARD.
GREGGY AND CHILD, IN UNI
()a+ ,/ ()a+ ,/
INT. PRODUCE SECTION
SMASH CUT TO SEAN STACKING ONIONS AND SOBBING DRAMATICALLY.
6RE=A ENTERS THE SCENE AND PUTS HER HAND ON SEAN4S ARM
SOOTHINGLY.
6RE=A
W)a+4" (*$n-, Sean!<(ann!5
SEAN
N$+)&n-, 6*e:a. Y$, 2n$( )$( $n&$n" #a2e /e$/1e '*!,
*&-)+5
6RE=A
N$, '*!&n- %*$# $n&$n" &"n4+ "$#e+)&n- /e$/1e 3$ &n
Be1-&,# $* S(&+9e*1an3 $* ()e*e.e* &+ &" I4# %*$#. T)e*e
(e ea+ $n&$n" 1&2e a//1e" an3 3*e"" &n 01a'2%a'e %$*
C)*&"+#a" 'e1e0*a+&$n".
SEAN
C,1+,*a1 3&%%e*en'e" 'an 0e %,nn!. I4# -1a3 (e )an31e +)e#
"$ (e11 )e*e a+ +)e -*$'e*! "+$*e.
6RE=A NODS. SEAN PUTS HIS HAND ON 6RE=A4S. THE AUDIENCE WOOS LIKE
CRA;Y.
SEAN (CONT4D)
T)an2" %$* 0e&n- )e*e %$* #e, 6*e:a, e.en +)$,-) I a# n$+
'*!&n- 0e'a,"e $% e#$+&$n".
6RE=A =ERKS HER HAND AWAY 6ROM SEAN.
6RE=A
W)$a, (a+') &+ I )a.e a 0$!%*&en3 Y$,4*e 1,'2! I 3$n4+
*e/$*+ !$, %$* "e?,a1 )a*a""#en+
6RE=A TURNS AWAY @UICKLY, ARMS 6LAILING AS SHE TURNS. HER HAND
KNOCKS ONE O6 THE BOTTOM ONIONS LOOSE, CAUSING THE DISPLAY TO
6ALL TO THE 6LOOR. SEAN CRIES HARDER THAN EVER. WHEN THE ONIONS
6ALL, THEY REVEAL THAT TIM TREESE WAS UNDER THE PILE THE WHOLE
TIME.
TIM TREESE
W$(, -&*1" 'an 0e *ea11! $n&$n&n-, ()&') &" ($*3/1a! +)a+ I
a# ,"&n- +$ #ean "ann$!&n-".
SEAN
S),+ +)e %,'2 ,/, T&#. Ha")+a- Ye" A11 W$#en.
ONE LAST ONION 6ALLS 6ROM THE TOP O6 THE PILE AND HITS TIM TREESE
ON THE HEAD. THE AUDIENCE BUSS THEY WHOLE SHIT UP.
INT. PRODUCE SECTION
EVERYONE IS GATHERED IN THE PRODUCE SECTION 6OR THE EPISODE END
WRAP<UP, EXCEPT 6OR =E66REYPARTIES BUT I ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOUT
THAT SO YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT IMMEDIATELY. AGATA AND HAYES
ARE HOLDING A GIANT BOOK BETWEEN THEM.
AGATA
We %&na11! -$+ +)e 0$$22ee/&n- 3$ne.
BRUCE REID ROBINSON II
O), !$, a33e3 ,/ a11 +)e "a1e" +)e -*$'e*! "+$*e )a" #a3e5
D$e" +)a+ #ean (e4*e -e++&n- /a&35
CG DOLLAR SIGNS POP UP OVER BRUCE REID ROBINSON II4S EYES AND A
"CHA<CHING" SOUND PLAYS.
AGATA
N$, 3,##!, (e "+&11 )a.e ne.e* )a3 a ',"+$#e* &n +)&"
"+$*e, "$ +)e*e a*e n$ "a1e" +$ a33 ,/.
=ACOB C
T)en ()! 3&3 !$, nee3 +$ 3$ +)e 0$$2"5
AGATA
N$+ RECORD 0$$2", SCRAP 0$$2"
AGATA AND HAYES OPEN THE GIANT BOOK, TO REVEAL BLACK PAGES
WITH GREY WRITING.
HAYES
See, (e /*&n+e3 ,/ a11 +)e %$*,# /$"+" %$* +)e (ee2 an3
/a"+e3 +)e# &n +$ +)&" 0$$2.
AGATA
We '$,13 )a.e -$++en &+ 3$ne #,') A,&'2e* &% Ha!e" )a3n4+
2e/+ ea+&n- +)e /a"+e.
HAYES
A&n4+ I a "+&n2e*5
HAYES LOOKS DIRECTLY IN TO THE CAMERA AND SMIRKS.
AGATA
B! +)e (a! Sean, I a""&-ne3 !$, $n&$n" +$ 0e e.&1 an3
#ean, 0,+ !$, a'+,a11! 3&3 a -*ea+ :$0.
THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO SHOW A GIGANTIC TOWER O6 ONIONS.
SEAN
T)an2" 0$"", I '$,13n4+ )a.e 3$ne &+ (&+)$,+ 6*e:a4"
e#$+&$na1 ",//$*+, $* T&# T*ee"e4" a(%,1 $n&$n /,n.
AGATA
Wa&+ a "e'$n3 +)$,-), ()e*e a*e a11 +)e 2&3"5 I +$13
(A-a+a #en+&$n" e.e*!$ne 0! na#e, e?'e/+ =e%%*e!Pa*+&e"
0,+ '$#e $n I -a.e !$, $ne +)&n- +$ *e#e#0e* an3 !$,
a1*ea3! %$*-$+5 -e+ (&+) &+ !$, %1a2e)
+$ -e+ "$#e 2&3" &n )e*e %$* B*&n- Y$,* C)&13 T$ W$*2
Da!
BURDRUL;
D$n4+ ($**! M" A-a+a, G*e--! 0*$,-)+ )&" "$n +$ ($*2
+$3a!.
THE CHILD GREGGY BROUGHT ;OOMS BACK AND 6ORTH ACROSS THE
STAGE ON HIS SKATEBOARD.
GREGGY
$ 1$1 n$ +)a+" n$+ #! "$n, & ($,13 ne.e* 0*&n- #! %a#&1!
)e*e, +)a+" #! %*&en3 "2&9e1$
SKI;ELO
ONION<OLLEY
SKI;ELO DOES A SICK SKATEBOARD TRICK AND TOTALLY =UMPS OVER THE
ONION PILE, BUT HIS SKATEBOARD HITS THE PILE ON ITS WAY DOWN AND
THE WHOLE THING GOES TUMBLING. =UST THEN MR ACHORMAN ENTERS
THE SCENE.
MR ANCHORMAN
AGATA
EVERYONE SOBS REALLY HARD LIKE SEAN WAS WITH THE ONIONS
EARLIER. EXCEPT =E66REYPARTIES. HE ISN4T THERE.
END CREDITS.