Man Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?

New husband: Not bad. After the first 3 inches, she was brand new.
Prof teaching muscle movement, asks a lady: Do you know what your asshole does
when you have an orgasm?
Lady: Sure, he's at the office, working!

UR msgs r like a Girl's Period, comes once a month for 3-4days & disappears. But
My msgs r like a Man's Sperms that come Daily or Twice a Day. So msg like a Man.
A loving husband tattooed I LOVE U on his dick n showed it to his wife. She
replied: "This is ur old habit of Putting Words Into My Mouth...!"

What's the geographical definition of sex?

It's an action done by Pol-land into Hol-land between Thai-land, occasionally with
a little help from Greece!
Bunny seriously objected to the nomenclature of VAGINA.
His objection: Iko cheez ta vajaan wali hai, teh ohnu kehande ne VAJAI NA !

A woman who arouses a man and leaves is called a Cockteaser. What is a man who
does the same called?
A Moisturiser.
Our love will never become cold and hollow unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

What is pure Hindi name of Condom??

Rubber ki Chiknai yukt Prajanan virodhak mardana Ling ki topi.
Blonde: I think my tits are full of water.
Doctor: How do u figure that?
Blonde: Everytime a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet

A man was fucking a nurse. She shouts: Aah it's painful.

Man: Kamini, daily u r injecting me where I don�t hv hole, I'm putting it in ur
hole & u say it hurts
Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms ideal for fuckers who dont know
when to pull out

Q: Who's senior: Penis or Vagina?

A: Vagina, because penis always stands up in its honour.
Sex poetry: It's not the length, it's not the size, it's not how many times u can
make it rise. It's not how well it fits, but how late it spits

Skoda recently launched a new car model LAURA. All drivers are having a tough time
when theor Memsahibs say: Driver Laura Nikalo!
Kamra khushboo naal sajai baithe han, bed te navi chaddar bichayee baithe han,
Saadi deewangi tan dekho ohna ne raati auna hai te asi duphar de hi condom charai
baithe han

The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only three men
made appointments and, of those, one came on the bus and the other two missed the
tube.
All eggs in women decided to fight against sperms. They waited with guns in the
pussy. That night no one came. Suddenly 1 shouted: Hamla Peeche se hua hai...
What is Long & Hard, has a hole at the tip and when u insert it into a wet, hairy
& tight hole makes u feel better?
Vicks Inhaler
When u don't know whether to luv or hate, when u r in confused state, don't feel
and don't debate, just sit alone & ...... MASTURBATE

Whenever u feel low, depressed or useless, remember that u r the same sperm that
won a battle against a million others.
Cricketer describing a nude girl:
There is no cover, there is no extra cover, there 2 silly points, 2 fine legs & a
deep gully, with little grass on the pitch.

What is invisible sex?

A male Negro fucking a female Negro under moonless night in a coal mine wearing a
black condom.
A friend like u is not like boobs coz everyone sucks them. Not like vagina coz it
tears. You r like a penis coz it always stands when needed.

Hum Gire Hue ko Uthate hai,

Hum Bichhde Hue Ko Milate Hai,
In Short Hum Bra Banate Hain.
70 yr old man: Doc meri age mein sex style kyo hona chahiye?
Doc: Doggy style.
Man: Aapke matlab peeche se�?
Doc: Nahin, sirf soongh aur chaat.

Happiness is like penis; always looks small if u hold it in ur hands but when u
learn to share it, u'll realize how big & precious it is!
Man: Kiss Karun?
Gal: Lipstick kharab hogi.
Man: Boob dabaun.?
Gal: T-shirt kharab hogi.?
Man: Fuck?
Gal: Period me hun.?
Man: Don't say loose motions hai.

Women r the best Engines: Accepts any size of Piston, are self Lubricating, start
up with a Finger, automatic oil change every 4 week.
Man gives blood to save his girlfriends life. Later on they split up & man wants
blood back. She throws a used tampon at him & says: Pay u monthly, u bastard!

Q: What's the definition of indefinitely?

A: When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you are in.....definitely.
Q: Does penis deserve overtime & hazard pay?
A: Yes! Coz it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down & mostly in night
shifts!

A prostitute's nursery rhyme:

One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.
3 men sitting in a cafe, all wanking.
Waitress: What the fuck are you all doing?
One points to a sign that reads: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

Little gypsy girl: Which way do my knickers go?

Her Mom: How many fucking more times do I have to tell u yellow to the front &
brown to the back!
They have found a new position in the Karma Sutra. It's called the 'plumber'...
Two of you stay in all day and no f*cker comes!

Text msgs are like a blow job from an amateur prostitute......short, sweet and
cheap!
Mr & Mrs Blobby are lyin in bed 1 nite Mrs Bloby turns 2 Mr Bloby & says: Bluba
lluba lupblub.
Mr Bloby turns & says: Shut the fuck up and swallow bitch!

Little Girl: Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a
peanut.
Mommy: U mean it's small?
Little Girl: No, it's salty.
3 Facts of Life:
Garib aur Boobs hamesha dabte hai.
Musibat aur penis kabhi bhi khade ho jate hai.
Kismat aur Bra kabhi bhi khul sakti hai.

One day the PENIS tells the balls: Tonight v r goin for a party!
The balls reply: U bloody fuckin liar, u always get inside while v r left outside!
Q: If a married woman is called Polo... The mint with a hole, then what's an
unmarried woman called?
A: Center Fresh.

To avoid condom related accident use 2 condoms with chilli powder in between them
if outer breaks she will know and if inner one breaks you will know!
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge does not moan when there is meat inside.

Text messaging is like a blowjob off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and

always cheap!
Q: What�s the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

A kiss is called humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast,

humor if on navel, sex if on vagina and called bravery if its on ass hole.
Q: What's a birth control pill?
A: It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to prevent pregnancy.

Q: Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?

A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy?
Q: What's difference between cricketers n condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches n condoms catch the drops!

A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume
despite years of experience and a number of refrences!
Wishing you a seductive & wonderful day licked by luv & penetrated by heavenly
graces & may all your misfortunes be ejaculated!

If u have two balls between ur legs it means u r man.

If u have have four, it does not means that u r superman, iska matlab aapki koi
ga#d mar raha hai.
Bio teacher: Girls, the size of a penis should be 6 inches for successful
penetration.
Girl: Mam, how about 9 inches?
Teacher: I was talking of necessity not luxury.

All medicines have Side effects, only VIAGARA has Front effect.
Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vaporub
by mistake.

Q: What is the height of shock?

A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick
from inside!
A gal with his boyfriend opened her legs inviting him 2 fuck n asked: Hamare baby
ka naam kya hoga?
He wears a condom n says: Iske baad bhi hogaya to �Jadugar�.

Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia... One wrong move and you are in DEEP
SHIT!!!!
Sex is evil,
Evil is sin,
Sin is forgiven,
So stick it in.

Luv is a sensation that is caused by temptation. The boy puts his location in the
girl�s destination. Do u get my explanation or wanna free demonstration?
Old chinese proverb says: "Man with erection walking through door sideways is
always going to Bangkok."

MEN-opause, MEN-strual pain, MEN-tal illness, GUY-necologist, HIS-terectomy. Ever

noticed how women's problems start with men??
Sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money but if you think sex is funny
then fuck yourself and safe your money.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not returnable.'
Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.'
He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he
was virus free he slotted his floppy disk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
Man: May l hv some condoms please. I'm giving my gal a gift tonight.
Clerk: Shall I gift wrap them?
Man: No, the condoms will serve as a wrapper for the gift.
Sex is good, sex is fine.
doggy style or 69,
just 4 fun or getting paid,
everyone loves getting laid,
so if u want me in the sack,
lick ur lips n text me back.

Recommended dosage of viagra:

New Girlfriend: No Need
Old Girlfriend: 1/2 Tablet
Mistress: 1 Tablet
Wife: 2 tabs+whisky+Porn Movie+Will Power
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-olympic sex .
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 Years.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and
then they want to kill the woman who does.
A man was charged with Necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman). The judge said;
I havn�t seen such disgusting case in 20 years. Can you give me one good reason
why you did it?
Man: I can give 3 reasons.It� non of ur business, she was my wife and I didn�t
know she was dead as she always acted like that.

Pappu meets his father in red light area. Pappu: Papa aap yahan?
Father: Bus beta ab 200-300 Rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.
Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and
then they want to kill the woman who does.

Man: Sex ho jaye?

Wife: No.
Man: Jewar le dunga.
Wife: No.
Man: Car le dunga.
Wife: No, No, No.
Beta so raha tha, bich me bola, Meri marlo, Cycle la dena.
Letter to mom by her daughter a month after her marriage: Fine here mom, but one
problem... my husband keeps on fucking me all the time... while bathing, cooking,
dish washing even while washing, Ironing clothes! I'm fucked up mom... Any idea to
control his urges? Sorry for the SHAKY HANDWRITING.

What is a man's definition of foreplay?

Half an hour of serious begging!
Every married man keeps wondering every evening: Should I go out and look at what
I cannot fuck or....Stay home and fuck what I cannot look at....

A man stands nude in front of a mirror n examines himself: I wish 2 inches more &
I'll b a king.
Wife sitting behind: I think 2 inches less & u�ll b a queen.
Wife bought a new transparent Bra, wore in front of her hubby.
Hubby: Issme tum bahut sexy lag rahi ho.
Wife: Pata hai ! Salesman bhi yehi keh raha tha.

Q: Why do most women sleep in the afternoon ?

A: So that they can screw the tired man all night and blame him for poor
performance!!
Ladki: Tum Honeymoon k liye kahan kahan Gayi thi?
Saheli: Shimla, Kasauli, Mussoorie, Nanitaal.
Ladki: Achhaa... kya kya dekha Wahan pe?
Saheli: Sirf CEILING FAN!

Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband aye, to apki underwerr pehne huye the.
Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA
New Girl friend: No need,
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet,
Mistress: 1 tablet,
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.

In bed frustrated wife was moaning to her husband: Why is it taking so long to
cum?
Husband: I'm trying dear; it's just that I can�t think of anyone tonight!
A time comes in life when your wife begins to trust you. It doesn�t mean that you
have become Enlightened. It doesn�t mean that you have turned a Saint. It just
means that you have lost your hunting abilities; she is convinced that you cannot
even catch a running tortoise, leave aside a PUSSY.

Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking around, the neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!
Wife A: I hate my Engineer husband. Erect & Erect.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r lucky, mine is judge� Tarik pe Tarikh

On their first night:

Husband: Is it really ur first night?
Wife: No... No...Actually it is first time at night.
Woman was having pain during delivery. Husband prayed: Oh Lord! Please make it
lose for the Baby and then tight for the Daddy

Doc: Reports have got mixed up. I don't know if ur wife has AIDS or Alzheimer
Man: What shld I do?
Doc: Drop her in the middle of town, if she comes back DON'T FUCK
The groom stood naked in front of the mirror:
2 inches more & I'd be a king
Bride: Yes, 2 inches less & you'd be a Queen

What is the difference between cheating ur wife and cheating on the taxman?
If u get caught, the taxman still want to screw you.
A frustrated father's defensive reply in a sms msg to his offensive unruly son...
I should have wasted u in the bathroom!

One lady delivered twins, surprisingly one is boy & other is dog... How is it
possible?
Her hubby is a hutch user... Wherever he goes his Network follows.
Dentist didn�t get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling

Wife n Mobile:
1) Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
2) Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
3) Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.
Husband: I fancy kinky sex, how about I cum in ur ear?
Wife: No, I might go deaf!
Husband: I�ve been cumin in ur mouth 4 15yrs & u r still fuckin talking.

Ek pathan ki shaadi ke 3 din baad uski patni boli, "Maine apse shaadi is liye ki
hai ki humare bache hon, is liye nahi ke mujhe poty khul kar aaye.
'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.'

Mother: Do u know the meaning of Mangalsutra?

Daughter: Yes, it is the license to enjoy Kamasutra.
Q: What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?
A: They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet.

Q: Why does a woman have two pair of lips?

A: One is for fighting and one is to make up.
Lady 2 Maid: Tu saare kaam mein bekaar hai!
Bai: Bister mein to aap se aachi hoon!
Lady: Tujhe sab ne bola kya?
Bai: Nahin, driver bol raha tha!

A man kills a deer & cooks it but doesn't tell kids what it is.
He gives a clue: It's what mom calls me.
Boy cries out: Don�t eat it. It's a fucking asshole.
Suhagrat ke time darvaze pe dastak hoti hai toh dulhan bhag k parde ke peeche chup
jati hai.
Husband: Kya hua?
Dulhan: Mujhe laga police ki raid par gai.

Son kills a butterfly.

Dad: No butter for 2 weeks.
Son kills a honeybee.
Dad: No honey for 2 weeks.
Mom kills a cockroach.
Son: Dad u tell her or should I?
Man: Bless me God! My son is drug addict, my daughter is a call girl, my wife is a
gambler.
God: Is anything +ve in ur family?
Man: I�m HIV positive.

Unborn twins in the mother�s stomach saw a penis.

1st Baby: Dekh Papa aa rahe hai.
2nd: Abe stupid, ye pados wale uncle hai, papa kabhi raincoat nahi pehante.
Rosemary divorced Mr.Lele b'coz she was sick of telling her name,"Roz Meri Lele."
Imagine her tough luck, she was re-married to Mr. Marlow

Husband: Jee karta hai ki tumhari zulfon mein kho jaaon, tumhare aankhon mein bas
jaaon, tumhari bahon mein jhool jaon.
Wife: Neeche kya mohalle wale ghusengey?
Description of prostitute, wife & girlfriend in mobile language?
First one is prepaid, second is postpaid and the last one is democard.

Man 2 wife on wedding night: R u sure that I'm the 1st man you have slept with?
Wife: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Playboy has started a special edition 4 married men. The same woman is featured
every month.
A doc advising his patient who had a heart attack: No smoking, no drinking & hv
sex only with ur wife because it is important that you avoid excitement.

Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne kuch nahin
kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!
What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is when
both r pregnant.

'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'
It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married couples is
the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.Ek bahu saari raat paraaye mard ke
saath sokar aayi lekin uski saas ne kuch nahin kaha, why?
Kyonki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!!
What's the difference between stress, tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when g/f is pregnant & panic is when
both r pregnant.

'Great, just what I need,' she moaned as he brought home a new microwave oven.
'One more thing that heats up instantly & goes off in 20 seconds.'
It has been determined that the most often sexual position for married couples is
the doggie position!
The hubby sits up and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

Wife n Mobile:
Dono hi dusro ke achche lagte hai.
Dono hi naye achche lagte hai.
Dono ko hi raat bhar charge karna padta hai.

Badi hasrat thi ki kholein unki salwaar ka nara,

Sanam ki berukhi dekho ki nangey hi chale aye, Wah wah wah
Kashti toofan se nikal sakti hai,
Taqdeer kisi bhi waqt bhi badal sakti hai,
Hausla rakh, channel na badal,
SANIA MIRZA kisi bhi waqt Jhuk sakti hai

Ansoo tere nikale to aankhein meri ho,

Dil tera dhadke to dhadkan meri ho,
Khuda kare ki apni dosti itni gehari ho,
Baap tu bane to Mehanat meri ho!
Kya aap SEX karte hai,
Kya aap CONDOM use karte hain,
Kya aap AIDS se darte hai,
To aap HATH se Q nahi karte hai,
HATH chale to AIDS tale.

Door gaon mein ek basti thi,

Wahan ki ladkiyan bahut sasti thi,
Unki ga#d mein itni masti thi,
Jitna dalo utna hasti thi.,
But why r u smiling?
Mangta hoon to deti nahin ho: JAWAB MERI BAAT KA
Deti ho to khada ho jata hai: ROM-ROM JAZBAAT KA
Kyon bolti ho ke dheere se daalo: BALON MAIN PHOOL GULAB KA.

Arz kiya hai:

I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
Paro aur chandramuki ka noor app pe barse, har koi aapke sath sone ko tarse,
aapke jeevan me aaye itni ladkiyan,
ki app CHADDI pahen ne ko tarse.

In my dream God asked me to choose between u & my smile, I chose u bcoz without u,
I don't know how to smile. So be with me always, if u want me to smile.
Of all the babes u r my selection. Please don't giv me a rejection. My teeth are
clean for ur inspection so give my mouth a tongue injection!

I have spent many sleepless nights in ur luv & I don't want to my son to do the
same for ur daughter. So, lets make them brother n sister
Do you like maths?
If so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!
Sex is gud sex is fine, doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid everyone luvs getting laid,
So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back
A smile to put you on a high... A kiss to set your soul all right... Would it be
all right if I spent tonight being loved by you???

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Shorter the skirt better the view.
Sex is fun. sex is fine,
Doggy style or 69,
Just 4 fun or getting paid,
Everyone loves getting laid,
So if u want me in the sack,
Just lick ur lips & text me back.

God created the world in SIX days, but took him centuries to come up with
someone...
as HOT...
as SEXY...
as Fuckable...
as YOU!
You are cute, you are adorable, sexy, n great,
Now I broke the ice, would you like to mate?

Sex is good, sex is fine. Doggy style or 69. Just 4 fun or getting paid, everyone
loves getting laid. So if u want me in the sack, lick ur lips n text me back.
Are mice giving you trouble?
No?
Than you must have a good pussy!

I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you; you do not have to say yes, just
smile to me!
Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my opinion those
clothes weigh exactly two pounds!

Feeling bored? Think of me.

Feeling sad? Call me.
Feeling lonely? See me.
Feeling horny? Use ur hand & njoy the art of messaging.
I hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 069 distracting public with ur
xtreme good looks & sex appeal. Remain silent & report 2 my bedroom.

I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it,
you cuddled me instead.
God made butter, god made cheese; god made you for me to squeeze.
God made whiskey, god made Pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!

U r so sexy u drive me insane, I luv u so much that my heart is in pain. Ur sexy

voice puts me in a slumber, oh damn I'm sorry I have the wrong number.
Kisses blown r kisses wasted. Kisses r not kisses unless they r tasted.
Kisses spread germs and germs r hated, but u can kiss me baby I�m vaccinated.

Banta: Bade sharm ki baat hai main homosexual ho gaya hu.

Preeto: Wo kaise ?
Banta: I have sex at home only.
Preeto: Thank God! Main aisi nahi hoon.
Santa: In all AIDS ads, they talk of SAFE SEX. What is SAFE SEX?
Banta: Oye, SAFE SEX is when wife is out of town!

Lady golfer storms angrily into club house.

Golf PRO: What's wrong?
Lady: Got stung by a bee.
PRO: Where?
Lady: Between the 1st and 2nd hole!
Boss during Interview for Post of Secretary asked: What's the Difference between a
Paperclip & a Screw?
Lady: I don't know, I've never been Paperclipped !

Jewellery shop mein Santa ki zabardast pitaayi ho gai. Y ? Sanata ne sales-girl se

kaha: Aapki ek ek item gazab ki hai. Sone ka kya rate lengi.
Why did the Grammer teacher slap Santa's Son?
B'coz he asked: Why is BRA Singular, when it covers 2 items n PANTIES Plural when
it Covers one item?

Santa: Darling rape ka matlab kya hai?

Jeeto: Sahi jagah par galat aadmi!
Santa on long tour asks Banta 2 inform if anything unusual haoens at home.
Banta SMSs after a month: Man who comes 2 Screw Ur Wife daily, didnt come today.

Banta ne Suhag raat ko biwi se pucha: Kya tum VIRGIN ho?

Biwi: Ji, magar PEECHE se! Aur Tum?
Banta: Main bhi, magar aage se.
Santa: Madam this panty & this bra will look nice on U.
Lady: How can U be so sure?
Santa: I'have done diploma in interior designing.

Santa "Ek condom dena, girlfrend ko gift dena hai"

Dukaandar : Is par giftcover chada du?
Santa: Arre nahi yehi to cover hai. Gift to mere paas hai.
Banta: It is shame but let me confess I have become HOMOSEXUAL.
Wife: How come?
Banta: I have Sex at HOME only!
Wife: Thank god I am not.

Santa divorced his wife on 1st night. Banta asked him the reason, Santa said,
"Yaar ohdi panty te sticker laga si: OK/Tested. Mohan Lal & Sons
Pappu: What is the meaning of Pyar Ishq Aur Mohabbat.
Santa: Kuch nahi beta sab free vich sex karan de bahane ne...

Banta to a girl: Wat's ur name?

Girl: Carmen.
Banta: Yeh kaisa naam hai?
Girl: Becoz I like Cars and men. What's ur name?
Banta: CHUTINDER BOOBIYA
Banta wanted Twins. So what did he do?
He Made two Holes in the Condom.

Jeeto: What'll u do if u have only 5 mins before an Atomic blast occurs?

Santa: I'll have SEX with u.
Jeeto: OK, but what about the next for minutes?
Bus Conductor: Pichhe sab ne ticketan lai layian.
Santa: Nahi ji, haje tak ta hath ch hi ne....

Santa's father gave him a gun on wedding night & said: Fire in air if ur wife is
virgin, shoot her if not.
Santa fired in air 1st night & shot her 2nd night.
Teacher: Aisi konsi cheez hai jo bahut vajan uttha sakti hai lekin jiska khud ka
vajan bahut thoda hai?
Pappu: Madam ji, aapki Bra.

Santa comes bleeding. Banta: What happened?

Santa: Jaggu hit me with hammer.
Banta: Didn�t u hv anything in ur hands?
Santa: I had.
Banta: What?
Santa: His wife�s boobs!
Santa on a blind date with a gori.
Santa: Do u object 2 fucking?
Gori: That�s something I'v never done.
Santa: What! U r a Virgin?
Gori: No, Never Objected!

On 1st night Santa uses all his power to push it in. Fails but proudly says: Too
tight! But I'm happy I'm the 1st.
Bride: No ji. Others removed the panty 1st.
Master to Banta: Hath vich kinian Ungla hundian ne?
Banta: Ji 6
Master: Oye Murkha, tenu kini vari keha k Kachche ch hath pa k Unglan na ginya kar

Santa was watching a Blue Film. He saw his wife in the film. After the film ended
he said: Thank God it was just a movie & not real.
Santa to Banta after interview: Everything went fine till the time he asked me for
my testimonials. I guess I showed him the wrong thing!

Obscene phone caller: Hello baby, if u can
it.
Preeto: Listen ji, if u can hold it in one
Banta Complaining: U r so unresponsive, do
Preeto Taunting: U must be using vanishing
guess what's in my hand I'll let u have
hand I'm not interested.
u use cold cream between ur legs?
cream between urs.

Santa after interview: Everything went fine till the time he asked me for my
testimonials. I guess I showed him the wrong thing!
Santa: What is the similarity between a Bank & a Bra ?
Banta: Dono ke ander Jitna MAAL Jyaada Utna Interest Jyaada.

Santa was teaching Preeto swimming.

After 2 hrs Preeto said: Tell me, will I really drown like a leaking boat if u
take out ur finger?
Jeeto: Doc saab, mujhe thode din bachcha nahinn chahiye.
Doc: Take this condoms.
Jeeto: Ye paani ke saath loon ya doodh ke saath.
Doc: Kele ke saath.

Gal's father: Beta kya karte ho?

Santa: Ji samaaj seva karta hoon. Gire huon ko uthata hoon, bichade huon ko milata
hoon.
Father: Woh kaise?
Santa: Ji Bra banata hoon.
Banta: Ek white colour ka condom dena.
Shopkeeper: White hi kyun?
Banta: Padosan ka husband guzar gaya hai, afsos karne jaana hai.

Doctor advised Santa: Dabaa ke doodh piyo.

Santa: Doodh to khoob peeta hoon per wohh dabaney nahin deti.
Banta: Why are condoms transparent?
Santa: So that the sperms can at least enjoy the scenery!

Banta�s advice: Don�t carry umbrella during Rain....keep WHISPER on ur head kyunki
yeh ghanton tak geelepan ka ehsas bhi na hone de
Raat ko ek ladki ne Santa ki car ko rukne ka ishara kia, Santa ne car roki to
ladki boli: Oh, Im Sorry! Main samjhi taxi hai.
Santa: Main bhi yehi samjha tha.

Banta: Was ur wife a virgin when u married?

Santa: I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.
Preeto comes nude in front of theguests while serving the halwa.
Banta shouts: What�s this?
Preeto: Recipe book me likha tha �Serve hot without dressing�

Santa: What food u feed ur new born baby?

Beautiful Young Mom: Breast milk & orange juice.
Santa: Oye, Which side is orange juice?
Santa: Qutub minar kahan hai?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se nikla karo.
Pappu: Shyam Lal kaun hai?
Santa: Pata nahi.
Pappu: Kabhi Ghar pe bhi raha karo.

Santa ne apni sagaai tod di kyunki ladki virgin thi.

When asked why, Santa bola: Jo aaj tak kisi ki nahi hui woh meri kaise ho sakti
hai.
Dhobi police se: Banta ne meri biwi ki ijjat luti!!
Banta: Main press karwane gaya tha, dhobi ne kaha main khana kha raha hoon, istri
garm hai mar lo!

Preeto: Darling, aaj kuch aisa karo ke mere paseenay nikal jaayen!
Banta gets up and switches off the AC & fan.
Santa: Bhai Saab ek condom dena. Meine girlfriend ko gift dena hai.
Dukandar: Is par cover chada du.
Santa, arre nai yeh to cover hai gift to mere pass hai.

Santa went to school for getting the report card of his son.
Santa: Madam kab dengi aap.
Teacher: Period khatam hone tak to intezzar karo.
Banta goes to a Family Planning clinic for advice. He reads the notice at the
enterance: 'For Family Planning Use Rear Entry'
He goes back home happily.

Pappu: Kal papa ke room se pray karney ki aawazein aa rahi thi.

Jeeto: Yeh to achchi baat hai.
Pappu: Papa to chup the, unki secretary chilla rahi thi 'O God...O God'
Pappu: Dad, today they taught about Sex in the class.
Santa: Ok son.
Later he saw Pappu shaking his penis, he asked what r u doing?
Pappu: Homework Dad.

2 Girls were masturbating with carrots. Banta says: What r u doing?

Gals: U naughty guy, will u join us?
Banta: Wait, I'll get a carrot.
Banta: Yaar ek masla khada ho gaya hai.
Santa: Yaar Itna kyon masla jo sala khada hi ho gaya

Santa: During sex both of us njoyed, then y should I pay?

Prostitute: For us it's Incoming, so its free. For men it's Outgoing, so u have
to.
Santa raping a gal in car. A cop came & said: What r u doing?
Santa: I'm raping her.
Cop: Ok, I'm next.
Santa: Fine, but I have never raped a cop before.

Teacher gave a sentence to Santa for translation: Khushi ke maare uski chhati
phool gayi.
Santa: Due to happiness his chest turned into breasts.
Banta: Thakur Gabbar teri bhen da rape ka dita. Te oh puch rahi hai ki...
Thakur: Ki puchdi hai?
Banta: Puchdi hai ki Gabbar to Badla Laina hai ya payment?

Doctor: I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're showing
signs of being a homosexual.
Banta: With bad news like that, what could be the good news?
Doc: The good news is I think you're cute.
Preeto: I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant"
Jeeto: I thought your husband had a vasectomy
Preeto replies: He did!
Call Girl: Wanna have sex?
Santa: Haan, lekin tum meri biwi ki tarah karogi toh
Call Girl: Vo kaise?
Santa: Free mein
Pappu: Papa jab aap Honeymoon pe gaye the tab mein kahan tha?
Santa: Putar, jaate waqt tu mere paas tha aur aatey waqt mammi ke paas.

In UK, Santa & Banta saw a poster at a Police station: Two White men wanted for
Rape.
Santa: These bloody goraas always get the best jobs
One night Jeeto's boyfriend asked her: Darling, r u free tonight?
Jeeto shouted & said: Asshole, have I ever charged u before?

Santa, unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta�s advice.

While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change?
Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta
Santa rape karan di koshish karda hai. Kudi: Tere rape karan to pehla mein mar
javangi.
Santa: Aho mar jayin par kise garib de kam na aayin

Santa di saali: Jijaji 500 Rs deo agley haftey dawangi.

Santa: Tu 1500 le, magar hune ge
Santa: Yaar tujhe bus mein thapad kyun pada?
Banta: Pata nahin yaar, meri photo neeche gir gayee thi, maine kaha behen ji zara
saadi upar karna photo leni hai

On the wedding night Santa says: Bataao Hairan karoon ya Pareshan?

Jeeto: Dono.
He shows his tiny 1inch penis & says: Kyun hairani hui?
Jeeto: Ji Hui.
Hubby: Ab pareshan karoon?
Jeeto: Ji.
Santa: Yeh erect hai!

Santa: Mein tumhare liye churiyan laya hoon.

Maid: Aap hi pehna dijiye.
Santa: Mujhe tumhara response pehle pata hota to mein panty lekar aata.

Santa travelling in Virgin Atlantic asked 4 milk. Air hostess put her nipple in
his mouth.
Santa: Changa hoya paani nahi mangya.
Santa: Will u marry me?
Gal: I'm a lesbian.
Santa: Lesbian?
Gal: I like to hv sex with girls.
Santa: Lai, phir to I'm also a LESBIAN

After 3 hrs of sex Santa said to his galfriend: U r not going to see me for a
while.
Gal: R u going away?
Santa: No..No... Now turn around
Santa and Banta were watching bungee jumping.
Santa: Wanna try it?
Banta: No way. I was born because of broken rubber & I don't wanna die because of
it.

Banta walked up to a girl at the bar n said: Can I buy u a drink?

Girl: Do u like sex?
Banta: Of course.
Girl: Do u like to travel?
Banta: Yeah, I luv to travel.
Girl: Then fuck off
Santa ko susu karta dekh ladki rasta badal kar jaane lagi to Santa bola: O madam,
ghabrao mat, tum jisse dar rahi ho usko maine pakad kar rakha hai...!

Why did English teacher slap Santa?

Because Santa asked her: Y is Bra is singular when it covers 2 & Panties plural
when it covers only one?
Pappu was masturbatin in front of girl's hostel, lukin at his galfriend. His
friend asked: What r u doin? Pappu: Fuckin my galfriend via Blue Tooth

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?

Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Man: She does it for free.

Jeeto: Oh zara dheere karo, kyon Shatabdi chala rahe ho, Maalgadi chalaao.
Itne mein Pappu bed se gira aur bola jo marzi chalaao par sawaari ko to mat giraao

What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide & a virgin? One
is trying to die... the other is dying to try
Teacher: Explain Responsibility?
Pappu: Madam ur blouse has 4 buttons, if 3 buttons break down the entire
responsibility'll b on the 4th one

Jeeto goes 2 repair umbrella. The man said: Upar ka kapda nikalna padega, Neeche
se danda dalna padega.
Jeeto: Kuch bhi karo but pani andar nahi ana chaiye
Banta: Y is reading a Playboy mag like reading National Geographic?
Santa: Coz in both u'll get to see a lot of gr8 places, which u'll never get to
visit.

A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she
slap u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed�
Santa was asked to give a talk on Sex
He walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone & said: Ladies n Gentlemen, it
gives me gr8 pleasure...
And sat back down

Preeto: Suno ji, aaj phir billi dudh pi gayee.

Santa: Main tainu kinni vaari keha hai ki apne blouse de button band karke soya
kar.
Santa to Amli: Yaar thodi jahi afeem devin kise nu deni hai.
Amli: Oye afeem khake loki lende tan bahut dekhe ne par den wala tu hi milaya.

Santa: Yaar meri biwi pani se bahut darti hai.

Banta: Achaa, wo kaise?
Santa: Kal mein jab ghar gaya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard ke saath
baithi thi

Santa runing after a bus n, catches it n asks the Driver: Ye bus teri Ma lagti
hai?
Nahin.
To kya Behan lagti hai?
Nahin.
To phir chadne kyun nahin deta?

Santa was fondling a lady in a crowded bus.

Lady: Excuse me, aap achha nahi kar rahe hain!
Santa: Itni bheed mein is se achha nahi ho sakta.
Santa and banta were caught raping a girl. They were called for identification
parade. When the girl arrives, both Santa and Banta shout together: Yahi thee,
Yahi thee"

Q: What is the best family planning slogan on a municipal bus?

A: Kripaya aage se nahin peeche se chadhiye.
Santa was pissing when a gal saw his huge penis & said naughtily: Wow I wud luv to
have that.
Santa: Go & get a cup, I'm about to finish.

Judge: Y do u want divorce?

Banta: She doesn't satisfy me in bed!
Preeto: Tu aithey dc lagyan? Sari colony khush aa, ik teri agg nahin bhujdi.
Teacher: What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
Pappu: Daddy.

A man is doing push ups on the beach. Drunk Santa sees him and starts laughing
loudly and says:
Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already left.
Judge: U want to divorce Santa 4 threatening u with a deadly weapon?
Jeeto: No, ur honor. I'm divorcing him 4 threatening me every night with a dead
weapon.

Jeeto: Kal ek aadmi aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.
Santa was sukin girlfriend's breasts.
Gal got excited n said: Tussi hor kuch chahney ho?
Santa: Doodh naal biscuit milangey?

Doctor: You look terribly weak & exhausted! R u having ur meals three times a day
as I advised?
Santa's wife: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
Jeeto was going to Chandigarh for vacations. At the time of packing Santa thinks:
Kitni bholi hai, main saath nahin jaa raha phir bhi condom saath le jaa rahi hai.

Pappu meets Santa on stairs of a KOTHA.

Pappu: Papa aap yahan kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe jaate!
The wife was crying in pain as Banta was tryin to fuck her in the ass.
Banta says: Zyada rone ki zaroorat nahin, mujhe pata hai kitna dard hota hai.

In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.

Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.
Banta to his wife, Preeto: Dear, you are the best woman in the world. Yesterday I
got convinced of this once again.

Santa: Main ghar jaate hi biwi ki panty utar dunga.

Banta: Yaar tu to bahut mood mein lag raha hai.
Santa: Nahi yaar mujhe bahut tight ho rahi hai.
Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to cross
your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.

Pappu: Papa, aap papa kaise bane?

Santa: Oye puttar, pa pa key!
Pappu: What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Santa: U are my son I'm Confident. Ur friend is also my son, that's Confidential.

Pappu: Dad what�s the diff between luv, belief & relief.
Santa: Ur Mom is my luv, ur maid is my relief & I'm your Dad - well, that's my
belief.
Three men discussing wives. 1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine is very
hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.

Santa: Murge kaise diye?

Vendor: Rs 50, Rs 40 n Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10, itna sasta kyon?
Sir ise AIDS hai.
Santa: De do mujhe khana hai ga#d thodi marni hai!
A man phoned & asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Jeeto: Hindi me bolo.
Man:Do-Do-Ek-Sat Choda?
Jeeto: Nahi Sir, Teen-Teen-Ek-Sat Choda, 331714.

Santa standing in balcony without shirt.

Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.
In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet. She said to Santa: Susu karne ki jagah
dikhaao.
Santa: U naughty girl, pehle tum dikhaao.

I'm organising group sex at my home. Will u join?

Santa: Yes, yes. How many people r there?
Banta: Just three. Me, u n ur wife.
Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon.
Pappu: Avg check karaao, abhi to Banta uncle dal kar gaye hain.

How does a vagina luk before sex?

Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?
A man is doing push ups on the beach, Santa sees him and starts laughing loudly
and says, "Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already left."

Doctor: U look terribly weak & exhausted! Are u having ur meals three times a day
as I advised?
Preeto: Doctor, I thought u said three males a day. 9
During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly: Do u luv me, do u really love me? Irritated
Santa: What the hell do u think, I am doing pushups?

Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.
Jeeto: Kal chor aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.

Banta: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man can't get
it he uses his hands?
Santa: Fork
How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals and great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?

Santa: Oye Banta don't marry that girl, she is like a TAXI.
Banta: Choti si to city hai yaar... kitni chali hogi?
Santa touched Jeeto's boobs and sung: Piyo glass full doodh, wonderful doodh.
Jeeto touched his penis and said: Thanda matlab CHOTA COKE!

Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.

Santa: If it looks like u, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like u, it would be a miracle.
Banta to a Doctor : I have diarrhoea & it wont go away.
Doctor: Did you try using a lemon?
Banta: Yes I did. When I remove it, it starts again.

Banta: Did u hv a chance 2 sleep with my wife?

Santa: What r u saying? I�d never even think abt such thing.
Banta: U might want 2. She�s much better then urs.
Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops
your biscuit from going soft.
Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always
remember who laid them!

An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card

Boss to a lady during interview: What's the difference between Paperclip and
Screw?
Lady: I don't know, I have never been paperclipped.

If necessity is the mother of invention, then� Frustration is the father of

masturbation!
What is the definition of a healthy virgin?
One who has never been Bed RIDDEN !

While preparing her RESUME a young Lady wrote:

Special qualification: I am Flexible enough to Perform in all Positions.
Define contraceptive pill?
It�s the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid pregnancy.

What do politicians & porn stars have in common?

They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!
Gabbar: Are o Samba kitni goliyan hai?
Gabbar: Admi 3 aur goliyan 6� bahut nainsafi hai.
Samba: Kahe ki nainsafi sardar 3 admiyon ki 6 goli Hi to hoti hai!

Importance of UNITY explained at it's best:

One Leg of a woman tells the other: UNITED we are saved, divided we are Fucked.
Same Sex Marriage: What's the big deal in same sex marriages? I've been married to
the same woman for 25 years and had the same old sex all that time.

Two prostitutes were talking,

1st: We r in the best business in the world.
2nd: How?
1st: We have it, sell it, and we still have it.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror: When girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror: When both r pregnant!
Tragedy: When U r Not responsible 4 both!

Failure is not when ur girlfriend leaves you... It�s only when u leave her a
virgin!
Girl: Tumne mujh mein aisa kya dekha jo tumhe mujhse pyar ho gaya?
Boy: Darling! Abhi kuchh dekha kahan hai? Dekne ke liye hi toh pyar kiya hai!

Great door signs:

Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix.
Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels.
Plumber's office: Wwe repair what ur husband fixed.
Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout.
Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.
Maternity room: Push, Push, Push.
Similarity between a dick & matchstick?
Both have heads without brains, both flare up at slightiest friction, both fizzle
out after showing valour for 2secs !!!

A hillarious spelling mistake behind a truck, saying: Put deeper at night!

In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the
cleavage!

Russian: Sir we got a huge order from usa for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to
embrass us.
Boss: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE.
Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity don't screw the opportunity!

Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?

So that it won't poke a man in the eye!
Why is it that a girl looks down when u say I love u?
To see if u really mean it!

Why is sex similar to shaving?

Well, because no matter how well u do it today, tomorrow u hav to do it again.
Why can't anybody satisfy a Woman Completely?
Because nobody has a Dick made of Gold, Decorated with Diamonds & which Ejaculates
Cash!

A just born baby was laughing hard with its tiny fingers closed. The confused
Pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers & found... A Birth Control pill !
Life is all about Ass; We are either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it,
kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one!

This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
Teacher: Soch or Veham me kya fark hai..? Pappu: Aap ki Beti Sweet & Sexy hai� Ye
hamari Soch hai or wo hamare hathon se bach jayegi ye Aap ka Veham hai.

LESBIAN kisko kehte hain?

2 kamini ladkiyan, jo mard ko khush nahi dekh sakti!
70 ways to make a woman happy: No. 1 is shopping & the rest is '69'.

Marwari 2 prostitute: I'll pay double if u let me do it in Marwari style. She

agrees.
After sex, she asks: What's Marwari style?
Marwari payment after 90 days!
You wanna come to my place for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!

Define Rape with the help of one good example?

Rape is a very-very difficult Job, For eg. It is like playing GOLF with a
continuously moving HOLE!
Response during sex:
Mistress: Wow ! Darling this is great.
Whore: Come on finish it now.
Girlfriend: Ah! Please slowly.
Wife: Ceiling needs painting !