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WhatifHomerSimpsonsmokedweed

Canhoemerdoittoo?canhomerdoittoo?

whatifhomersimpsonsmokedweed?

CanyouimagineifHomerSimpsonsmokedweed?

DoesHomersmokeweed?No?Well,whatifhedid?

canyouimaginewhatitwouldbelike?Thankyou.

PSYCHIATRIST

andhowdoesitmakeyoufeelthatHomerSimpson

smokeweed?

ME

well,hedoesn't.butioftenimagineifhedid.

ME

Homer,wouldyousmokethisweedwithme?

Well,Ineverhave

thoughtaboutit.

HOMER

ButIknowyou'veoften

 

ESTRAGON

Hewouldn't.

VLADIMIR

Hecould.

 

ESTRAGON

Homer

smokeweed?

 

VLADIMIR

Hemight.

 

ESTRAGON

Butwhy?

 

VLADIMIR

Whynot?

BUSH

AndthenwhatifHomerpuffedit?Likethis

[pantomimespuffingjoint]

CHENEY

[laughing]Bushyouareinsane

BUSH

Itcouldhappen.

MORRIS

[frankly]DidHomerSimpsonsmokeweed?

RUMSFELD

[longpause,thenasadgrin]Idon'tknow

Youdon't--

Idonot.

MORRIS

RUMSFELD

MCDONALDS

Canitakeyourordersir

ME

marijuanasimpson?

excuseme?

MCDONALDS

ME

sorry.wasthinkingaboutho0mersmokeweed

ook

ordersir?

MCD

MCDONALDS

ME

iwantto-know-about-you

 

MCD

ican'tsir

 

ME

whythough?

 

MCD

it's-againstthelaw

 

ME

ur-a-person-2-me

 

MCD

thxbutno

SETHROGEN

BUhhhimeanf*cking

simpsonhitingablunt,whynot

whatifthough?Homer

LETTERMAN

[staresblanklyintoaudience]

BARTisrollingajoint

HOMERenters

BART

Oh,hey.Wasjustabouttotoke

HOMER

OK.Let'sdothisthen.

 

BART

Lightitup,then.

 

HOMER

ok

 

HOMER

Thisissomegoodherb

 

BART

IgotitfrommyfriendMoe

HOMER

Moethebartender?

BART

He'salsoaweeddealer.

 

HOMER

Ah.Hitthis

 

BART

Prettystoned

 

HOMER

MEaswell

 

BART

Moeasthegoodstuff

 

HOMER

Itget'smeblazed

 

BART

Howcomeyounevershowedmehowtoskate?

HOMER

YouwerealwaystokingonMoe'sherb.

Ofcourse

BART

HOMER

I'mstillyourfather.

BART

Ithinkit'scoolyousmokegreenwithme.

BART

Haveyouevertokedoutandplayedvideogames?

HOMER

Ah,[hittingjoint]I'molderthanmost.It's

beyondme.

I'llteachyou.

I'mnotsure.

BART

HOMER

BART

Why?It'seasy,father.

HOMER

IfeelasifIshouldtendtomyvarious

responsibilities.

Iunderstand.

MAGGIEentersroom

BART

MAGGIE

CanIgetinonthis?

HOMER

[holdinginsmoke]Comehitthis.

BART

Comeandtoke,sis.

MAGGIE

Thisissomegoodshit.

BART

It'sfromAfghanistan.

MAGGIE

I'mworriedaboutthewarthere.

HOMER

Oh,shutup.Hitthis.

BART

You'retooconscientious,Mags.

Agreed.

HOMER

MAGGIE

Iliketosmokeweedtoo.ButIamalsoa

dialecticthinker

HOMER

[eyeswiden]YouMUSTbekiddingme.

MAGGIE

Iknow,[coughs]itsoundssilly.

BART

Ionlycareaboutblazingandenjoyingmyself.

HOMER

Here'stothat[heproducesalargeblunt]

BART

Youhadthatthewholetime?

MAGGIE

It'sfromhispersonalstash.

Yep.

MARGEenters

HOMER

MARGE

Whatgoesonhere?Yousmokin'withoutme?

HOMER

Oh,shit.Sorry.Hitthisspliff,then,ifyou

want.

Heyma.

BART

MAGGIE

It'sgoodthatwecansmoketonsofweedasa

family

Hear,hear

BART

HOMER

It'sstrangebutenjoyable.

WIGGUMenters

WIGGUM

Whatgoesonhere?Smokingwithoutme?

HOMER

[holdinginsmoke][pointsatMarge]Shejustsaid

thesamething.

WIGGUM

Gosh,Ihaven'tsmokedinages.

BART

What'sthatmean?Sincethismorning?

thefamilylaughs

WIGGUM

Comeonnow.Lemmehitit.

WIGGUM

[hitsHomer'sblunt]Thisisthegoodstuff.

HOMER

[satisfied]Youknowit.

BART

Wouldyouexpectanylessfrommyfather?

MAGGIE

[visiblystoned]I'mbecomingmoreconcernedabout

thewarinAfghanistan.

MARGE

Ohcomeoffit,youwetblanket!Shutyourmouth!

I'mserious.

MAGGIE

HOMER

Weknow

That'syourproblem.You'reTOO

serious.

BART

Shespendstoomuchtimeinherownhead.

MAGGIE

I'mcomfortableinmyownhead.

HOMER

That'swhattheweedisfor.

everybodyexceptMaggielaughs.

Goodone,Dad.

BART

HOMER

ForgetaboutMaggie.IsanybodyhereNOTstoned?

Andwherethehellismyotherson?

BART

Kenwasatthebowlingalley,lastIheard

KENenters

KEN

Youbastardstalkingshit?

BART

God,Ken.Youaretoobrash.Calmdown.

LISA

Hi,Ken.Weweretokingjustnow.

MARGE

[toHOMER]Lisaistheonlyonewhocan

communicatewithKen.Heshutstherestofusout

ofhislife.

HOMER

Hehasproblems.

HOMER

[toMarge]Marijuanahelpshimopenup.

MARGE

"Marijuana?"Homer,youaresuchasquare!

HOMER

Asquarewithabigfatblunt.

MARGE

Speakingof,letmehitthat?

HOMER

Idon'thaveit.

What

MARGE

Whohastheblunt?

Ihaveit.

Passithere.

MOEenters.

WIGGUM

MARGE

MOE

Whatthehell?Noonetoldmeaboutthissmoke

sesh.

BART

It'sgettingcrowdedinmyroom.Weshouldgo.

Gowhere?

HOMER

MAGGIE

Whynotlet'sgotothegazebo?

BART

"Whynotlet's?"Somebody'shigh.

MAGGIE

Readabooksometime,moron.

Nothanks.

GAZEBO

BART

MOE

Great.Hopefullythecopsdon'tcomeby.

BART

Ohshutup,andhitthisfatbluntbeforeIchange

mymind.

Spicy!

MOE

HOMER

Thecopscan'tseeusbackhereanyway.That'swhy

Icallitthe"HerbFortress."

Nicename.

MAGGIE

BART

Don'tbeasmartass,Mags

MOE

Goddamn!Thisissomegoodshit!

BART

It'syourownweed,doofus!

HOMER

ActuallyIgotthatweedfromApu,themanfrom

thestore.

APUenters

APU

What'sgoingon.Smokingwithoutme?

HOMER

Apu,hi.Wewerejusttalkingaboutyou.Well

yourweedatleast.

Nice.

APU

MOE

Youmovinginonmyterritory,Apu?

tensesilenceamongthegroup

MOE

I'monlyscrewingaround.We'refriends

Phew

HOMER

BART

IcansafelysaythatI'mhighashell.Nowif

onlywehadsomesnacks.

APU

Wellguesswhat.Iworkatthestore,andIhave

snacks.

KEN

I'msickofthisfuckinggazebo.

Language!

MARGE

HOMER

What'syourproblem,Ken?

MAGGIE

Calmdown,Ken.It'sOK

Shutup,Ken.

BART

HOMER

Idon'tunderstandhowIhavetwogreatkidsand

oneawfulone.

MARGE

Homer!Notnice!

Befair,dad.

He'sright.

MAGGIE

BART

BART

Kenisanuisance.

KEN

Guys,Icanhearyou.

HOMER

Weknow,Ken.Youneedtohearthis.Puttheblunt

down.You'redonefortoday.

MAGGIE

CanwelayoffKennow?He'sbeenthroughalot.

Let'sjusttokeandrelax.

Cheerstothat.

Amen.

MOE

WIGGUM

APU

Icameheretosmokeoutinagazebo,nottoget

thewilliesfromsomenastyfamilydrama.

BART

Yeah,I'mfreakingout.Passtherock.

HOMER

Couldyoupleaseleave,Ken?

Dad!

I'mthefather.

MAGGIE

HOMER

MARGE

You'realsobogartingthatblunt.Passthatshit.

APU

Youguysremindmeofmyfamily.Alwaysfighting.

Theweedhelps.

HOMER

WIGGUM

[exhalinghugehit]Obviouslynot.

FLANDERS

CanIhitthatdope?

MAGGIE

Whocallsit"dope?"

FLANDERS

Ijustdid,youlittlesnot.Nowshutyourmouth

andpassthatshit.

MARGE

Youcan'ttalktomychildrenlikethat,Flanders.

OURchildren.

HOMER

MARGE

Thatwasimplied.Sheesh,howstonedareyou?

HOMER

Thisfattyisalmostgone.Whohasmorebud?

APU

Idon'tcarrythatshitwithme.

Don'tlookatme

Son?

MOE

forbothoursakes

HOMER

BART

Thatwasthelastofmine,father.Ididn'tthink

therewouldbesomanypeoplesmokingit.

FLANDERS

Ionlygotonehit.

MAGGIE

Whocares,Flanders?It'snotlikeyoueverpay

forit.

FLANDERS

YetIputupwithyourtrumpetplayingatall

hoursofthenight.

Shutup.

MAGGIE

HOMER

Folks,let'sjustcalmdown.Stonerslikeusare

supposedtobedocile,remember?

MARGE

Myhusbandisright.Chill.

BART

I'mnotgoingtobeabletorelaxuntilIhave

moregoddamngreentotoke.

MARGE

Language,Bart!Language!

Sorry.

BART

HOMER

Apu,canweswingbyyourplace?

APU

Idon'tkeepmyshitatmyplace.

Wherethen?

HOMER

APU

It'satthehoneycombhideout.

HOMER

Welllet'sgotothedamnhideout,then!

APU

Youneedtochill.

Dad!

MAGGIE

MARGE

Homer,calmyourself.

BART

Iwanttosmoke.

WIGGUM

Icomeallthewayoverheretosmokeandyou

losershavealmostnoweed?I'mout.

Metoo.

Thisislame.

Bartswanna

APU

MOE

HOMER

Nowwe'releftaloneinthegazebowithourfamily

problems.

BART

Ican'tdealwiththisrightnow.I'mgoingtogo

listentomusic.

MAGGIE

Thisispathetic.

Oh,shutup.

HOMER

MAGGIE

You'reallabunchofdrugaddicts.

MARGE

Likeyoudidn'tjusthittheblunt5times

MAGGIE

Ismoketoreleasemylatentcreativity

HOMER

WellIsmoketogetfuckedup.Andthisismy

gazebo.

I'moutofhere

MAGGIE

MARGE

Well,nowit'sjustmeandyou.

HOMER

WheredidKengo?

 

MARGE

Whocares?

 

HOMER

GoodpoINT.

 

MARGE

Ihavethingstodo.I'mgoingtogo.

HOMER

Great.Justleavemeouthere

myself.

Bye,Homer.

MARGE

stonedandby

Thesunissetting.Homersmacksamosquitoonhisforearm

HOMER

Ihadsuchhighhopesforthisafternoon.

HOMER

Smokingweedwithmyfamilyisonlyatemporary

solutiontoourproblems.Itseemstouniteus,

butitonlymakesusmoredistant.

HOMER

Mydaughterisapedant,mysonsareworthless.I

havenofriends.Peopleonlyassociatewithme

becausetheyknowIsharemyweed.

HOMER

Weareapartevenwhenwearetogether.Thedrugs

onlywidenthegulfbetweenusbycreatingthe

illusionofabond.

HOMER

Ithasbecomeasubstituteforgenuineloveand

connection.We'reonlyafamilywhenthereisa

bluntbeingpassedamongus.

HOMER

IknowIneedtodosomething.ButI'msohigh

sohigh.IthinkI'lljustliedownfornow.I'll

rememberthiswhenI'msober.

HOMERliesdownonthegazebobench.Hetossesandturnsat

firstbeforedriftingcomfortablyofftosleep.Thesunsets.

-END-

HOMER

Sonic,whatgives?You'vetakennearly7hits.

SONIC

[exhalinghugehit]Myweed,myrules.

HOMER

Comeon.Befair.

HOMER

Yourbadboypersonaalienatesyoufromyour

peers.

SONIC

Idon'tcare.Ineedtobehigherthaneveryone

aroundme.

 

HOMER

Notgood

 

HOMER

Youdon'tcareatallaboutothers?

SONIC

Youactlikeyou'rejustrealizingthis.

HOMER

MaybeI'mjuststoned.Idon'tknow.

SONIC

Iunderstandyourconcerns.Ijustdon'tcare

aboutthem.

HOMER

Iknowyou'reselfishbutwhydoyouneedtobeso

brash?

SONIC

[passestheblunttoHomer]Hitthisshitandshut

yourmouth.

HOMER

[takestheblunt]Don'ttalktomelikethat.It

bothersme.

SONIC

You'regettingblazedonmydime.I'lltalktoyou

howeverIwant.

HOMER

Youdidn'tusetobelikethis.Youchanged.

HOMER

Youuseweedtomakefriends,butthenyoutreat

thempoorly.It'shurtfulbehavior.

SONIC

[exhaleshugehitinHomer'sface]

HOMER

Whywon'tyoutakethisseriously?

SONIC

Becauseyousoundlikeababblingstonedidiot.

You'renotmakinganysense.

HOMER

It'struethatIgetemotionalwhenI'mhigh,but

Ireallydofeelthisway,evensober.

SONIC

Givemetheblunt.You'redone.

HOMER

Icalledyououtandnowyou'rewithholdingweed.

ThisiswhatI'mtalkingabout.

SONIC

Begone.Letmesmokeinpeace.

HOMER

Youdon'twantmetoleave.

SONIC

YouknowI'mateenager,right?Doyouknowhow

weirdthisis?

HOMER

You're19.Hardlyateenager

Yeah.NineTEEN.

SONIC

HOMER

I'dliketosayyou'rematureforyouragebut

that'snotthecase.

SONIC

[exhaleshugehit]Whateveroldman

HOMER

Whatmadeyoulikethis?

Youknowwhat.

SONIC

HOMER

Yourfather'sdeath?Butyouhatedhim.

SONIC

Canwechangethesubject?

HOMER

IjustfeellikeI'velostafriend.

SONIC

I'mrighthere,asshole.

HOMER

You'retherebutyou'renot.

SONIC

Andwhyareyouhere?

HOMER

Whycan'twetalkaboutyourfather.

 

SONIC

Dropit,Homer.

 

HOMER

No.Iwon't.

 

SONIC

Dropitorgetoutofmyapartment.

i'mnotsureifheeverhas,butithinkifhewantedto,

homersimpsoncouldprobablysmokeweed

doyouthinkhomersimpsoncouldinhalethesmokefromthe

burningmarijuanadeepintohislungs,thenexhale,becoming

intoxicated?

doyouknowifhomersimpsonhaseverinhaledthesmokeofthe

marijuanaplant?i'mnotsure.itwouldmakehimhighpretty

easily.

haveyoueverwonderedifhomersimpsoncouldbreatheinthe

acridsmokeofthegreenmarijuanabuds?ithinkitmightget

himprettyhigh.

GOKU

Whyareyoutwofightingalways?Wecan'tjust

toke?

SONIC

He'sbotheringme.

HOMER

Sonichasunresolvedissues.

i'mnotsureifhomerhasevertakenadragfromthemarijuana

cigaretteorapipe,whichwouldcausehimtobecomehigh

becauseoftheTHC.

isitreallysohardtoimaginehomersimpsonlightingthe

blunt,inhalingthesmoke,andbecominghigh?

MARGE

Yousmellthat?Weed?

HOMER

Bartmightbesmokinginhisbedroom.Isometimes

wonderifIamcapableofsmokingweed.

BART

Ismokeweedallthetime.

MAGGIE

Ismokeweedsometimes.

HOMER

I'mthinkingaboutsmokingweedallfuckingday.

MARGE

Ienjoyagoodtoke.

BART

Ineverstopsmoking.

LISA

Ismokeweedattheappropriatetime.

HOMER

I'maddictedtoweed.

HOMER

Iamaconfident,well-to-do,middleagedman.

There'snothingwrongwithmeenjoyingsome

marijuanainmoderation.

HomerlosingsleepwhileimagesofBarneybeing2drunk2toke

&droppingthejointonthefloorflashby.Whathappenedto

hisfriend?

HOMER

Ineedtopickupsomeweedafterwork,doyou

needanythingwhileI'mintown?

MARGE

ThanksbutIdon'tthinkso.

FLANDERS

Weedhelpsmecopewithmyproblems.

BART

Ilikeweedbecauseitmakesmefeelgood.

MOE

Ismokeweedtorelaxandreducestress

LISA

Weedhelpsmebemorecreative.

MAGGIE

Smokingweedhelpsclearmymind.

HOMER

Smokingweedhelpsmelovemyfamily.

REPORTER

Whatdoyoulikemostaboutpot?

HOMER

WhenIsmokeit,mybodystartstochange.Isee

thingsdifferently.Mysoniseverything

TROPICALMANisholdingthepiecetoolong

HOMER

It'snotamicrophone.

BART

Don'tparkonthegrass.

MIYAMOTO

-laughs-anythingcanhappen

MIYAMOTO

-stilllaughing-Icandefinitelyseeusmaking

thatwork

IWATA

Homercandoit-laughs-

HOMERripsonthebongandspews

SMITHERS

Problem,Mr.Simpson?

Areyouupset

Thisisschwag

e-excusemesir?

BURNS

HOMER

SMITHERS

BURNS

Doyouknowhowmuchthatcost?

HOMER

There'snocrystalsonit

SMITHERSexaminesthepot

Sir?

Yes,Smithers?

SMITHERS

BURNS

SMITHERS

Therearenocrystalsonthissir

BURNS

Thisisridiculous.GetMayorQuimbyonthephone

MARGE

Tragedyhasstruck

HOMER

Whywouldtheydothis?Whywouldtheyattackus

BART

What'sgoingon?

HOMER

TheUSAhasbeenattacked

 

BART

Why?

 

HOMER

Wedon'tknow

 

BART

What'sgoingtohappen

 

MARGE

Awarisgoingtohappen

 

BART

 

AmIsafe?

 

HOMER

 

Howlowcanyougo

 

BART

 

Todeflo

 

HOMER

 

Howlowcanyougo

 

BART

 

totheflo

 

HOMER

 

Howlowcanyougo

 

BART

 

Totheflo

 

HOMER

 

Howlo

LATER

 

HOMER

Mysonhasbeendrafted

LENNY

Homer

HOMERTakesahit

Thisisunreal

He'ssoyoung

He'sgoingtoIraq

HOMER

LENNY

HOMER

BART

I'mgoingtomissyouguys

HOMER

Howaboutonelastblunt?

Dad

Ican't

BART

HOMER

Foroldtime'ssake

Let'sdoit

BART

Homersmokesweed,inthepast,present,andfuture.

HOMER

I'mgoingtomissthis

BART

Thistreehouseishometogoodmemories

HOMER

Imadesuretogetgoodshit

BART

It'sreallygoodpot

HOMER

It'stheMoeshit

It'ssosticky

BART

LONGSILENCE

HOMER

MaybeIraqhasthegoodstuff?

 

BART

Yeah.Maybe.

 

HOMER

Yeah

 

BART

I'mfreakingoutdad

 

HOMER

It'sjustpotman

 

BART

Notthepot.Dad,I'mscared

HOMER Metoo butyou'resmart.Itwillbefine

BART

Whydidtheytakeoverthoseplanes?Why'dthey

ruinourpeacefullife?

 

HOMER

Theyhateourfreedom

 

BART

Why?

 

HOMER

It'scomplex

 

BART

It'stimetogo

 

HOMER

Son,I'mreallyproudofyou

Dad.Iloveyou

BART

HOMER

You'llalwaysbemyson

BARTboardsthebus

LISA

I'mwonderingifwedependonherbtoomuchasa

family.

HOMER

[blowsamassivehitinherface]Youdependonmy

herb.Nowbegone.

HOMER

Mymarriageisruined.Ican'tlookkeninthe

facewithoutfeelingrage.Butthisbudjustkeeps

gettingbetter.

HOMER

[sobbing]Imisshim.Imisshim

Homer

MOE

SONIC

Takecareofbusinessathome.Bartcantakecare

ofhimself.Nowhitthis.

Icanseeitsoclearly.Homerpullsoutthebowlandclears

thebong.Thecoolclearbongwaterchurnswildly.Heexhales

andgrins.

HOMER

SoIjustpullthethingoutandinhale?

MOE

Yeah,makesurey--

HOMER

I'mjoking.Iknowhowtosmokeabong.Passthat

shit.

Imissourson

MARGE

HOMER

CanIpleasejustrelaxandblaze?

I'msorry

MARGE

HOMER

Youactlikehe'salreadydead.He'sfine.Hit

this.

MARGE

You'renotworriedaboutBartinIraq?

HOMER

OfcourseIam[exhaleshugehit]That'swhyI'm

smokingthiskush.

HOMER

Idon'tagreewiththewarinIraq.[exhales

massivehit]Imissmyson.

MOE

Christ

mysonwouldbefightinginIraq

[exhalesblunthit]

HOMER

Ineverthought

[hitsblunt]Moeyoudon'tevenhaveason.

MARGE

Mysonisnotakiller.

HOMER

[hitstheblunt]He'llbefine

MARGE

You'reOKwiththis?

HOMER

WhatchoicedoIhave?Nowhitthis.

HOMER

Ihaven'tseentropicalmanrecently

CARL

we'reallworried

SMITHERS

ishefightingforourfreedom?

IRAQBASE

SCENE

BART

there'snokushhere.I'mdryasabone

MAN

Theyonlysmokehashhere

 

BART

it'syou!

 

MAN

theygotmetoo

 

BART

Doyouhavehash?

 

MAN

Ihavealotofhashishtosmoke

let'shitit

BART

BART

Thiswarhaschangedmealot.

Yeah.

MAN

BART

ButIstilllovetogethigh

Yeah.

SmokingAGAIN?

MAN

LISA

HOMER

IhaveasoninIraqandmydaughterisadevil

What?

LISA

HOMER

You'regroundedfromsmokingweed.

SMITHERSleavesembarrassed

CARLWhat'swrongwithhim

LENNY

He'sbeenburpingallday

HOMER

Heswallowedthehit

HOMER

Ican'tfocusonthisjob

CARL

Maybeyoushouldgohome.RollaJ

HOMER

Ineedtoearnformyfamily.What'sleftofit

anyway

BURNSenters

BURNS

Simpson.Weneedtotalk

HOMER

I'msorryaboutmyperformance.

BURNS

It'saboutsomethingelse.Yourpamphlets.

HOMER

I'manti-war.Mysonisoverthere.Ihaven't

heardfromhim

BURNS

Youcan'tbringpoliticstotheworkplace

Thisiscrazy.

HOMER

BURNS

Theweedisonething.Wealllovetotoke.But

you'vegonetoofar

HOMER

Youcantsilenceme.

BURNS

Ican't.ButIcancutyouoff

BURNSpicksupphone

Moe.

BURNS

 

HOMER

Don'tdothistome

 

BURNS

Cuthimoff.

 

HOMER

No.

 

BURNS

Youdugyourowngrave

 

HOMER

No!Myson!

 

BURNS

Yoursonisdoingsomethingnoble

HOMER

Thegovernmentmadehimtheirpuppet

BURNS

Youneedtokeepthisoutofmyplant

HOMER

YouneedtokeepyourhandsoffofMYplant

BURNS

I'mafraiditcan'tbeundone

HOMER

I'llfindanotherdealer

BURNS

WithshitasgoodasMoe's?

HOMER

BURNS

Goahead.Makemyday.

HOMER

[INRAIN,DISTRAUGHT]Thisisfuckedup.

VANPARKSNEARHIM

VOICE

Iheardyouneedgoods

Whoareyou?

CircusBob

CircusBob?

Correct.

HOMER

VOICE

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

Whatdoyouhaveforme

I'llshowyou

BOB

CIRCUSBOBREVEALSTRUNKOFGREEN,WEAPONS

That'stoomuch

HOMER

BOB

Toomuchofagoodthing?

HOMER

Thesayingistrue

BOB

Fine.Haveityourway™

ATMOE'S

Moe.

Homer.

HOMER

MOE

HOMER

Youcan'tbeokaywiththis.

MOE

I'mafraidIam

but

Moneytalks

HOMER

MOE

HOMER

Butyou'remyfriend.

MOE

Wewereneverfriends.Thiswasallbusiness

HOMER

Butwetokedonittogether

MOE

Ididwithmany.

HOMER

Yousnake.YouknowwhatI'mgoingthrough

MOE

Weallhaveproblems,Homer.

HOMER

YouknewBart.Youlovedhim

MOE

HOMER

Youcametomyhome.Youatedinnerwithmy

family.

MOE

Youspent$40,000onweedinthepast3years.

MOE

Ididbut,theseareWarTimes

I'magainstit

HOMER

MOE

Don'tyoufuckingsee?Weallare

Butmyson

HOMER

 

MOE

Howmanyothers?

MOEturnsaway

 

HOMER

Giveyourweedtome

 

MOE

Ican'tdothat

 

HOMER

Ineedtosmoke

HOMERexits

SimpsonsResidence

 

HOMER

I'mhome

 

MARGE

Youhaveavisitor

 

HOMER

issomeonevisiting?

 

LISA

There'savisitor

Whovisits?

HOMER

CIRCUSBOBloungesoncouch

Bob

HOMER

BOB

How'smyoffersounding?

HOMER

Ican'taffordit

HOMERPacksfinalbowl

CIRCUSBOBglancesoutbackwindow

HOMER

Whatareyouthinking

 

MARGE

It'sobvious

 

KEN

Weallknow.

 

HOMER

HOMER

No

 

BOB

Theydon'tmakethemlikethatanymore

HOMER

Thatplaceissacred

MARGE

Givehimwhathewants

HOMER

Thatgazeboisspecial

BOB

Ijustwantaccess.24/7

HOMER

Myfamilyliveshere

BOB

Iwon'tinterfere

HOMER

Webuiltthattogether[Takeshit]

CIRCUSBOBrevealsblunt

Homer

lookatit

Isthat

MARGE

LISA

HOMER

BOB

VintageWhiteGrapeGamecigar.

How?

Ihaveguys

CanIseeit

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

CIRCUSBOBhandsoverblunt

HOMER

[inhalessharply]Bob

Yes?

Thisismids.

BOB

HOMER

SCOWLING

YouthinkI'dbringthegoodshithere?Tothis

slum?

We'reindebt

MARGE

HOMER

Showmeyourkush

BOB

Let'stakethistotheGazebo.I'dlovetosee

inside

HOMER

Fine.ButmysonlovesthatGazebo

GAZEBO]

This

IraqiHash

SCENE

HOMER

BOB

Howdidyou

HOMER

BOB

Ihaveamanintheirbase

Mysonisthere

HOMER

BOB

Yoursonisdoingfine.Iknowallabouthim.

Ishesafe?

HOMER

BOB

He'shittingthebongaswespeak

Thankgod

HOMER

HOMER

AndTropicalMan?

MIA.Twoweeks.

Mygod

BOB

HOMER

BOB

Let'sgettobusiness

Bob

HOMER

Ineedtoseemyson

BOB

Fullaccess,Homer.

HOMER

Willmyfamilybefine?

BOB

Liketheyweremyown

HOMER

Iagreetothedeal.

BOB

Icanarrangeyourgoalstobemet

HOMER

Weneedtodosomethingfirst

BOB

Ipackeditalready

HOMER

Letmegetgreens

BOB

No.[TAKESMASSIVEHIT]

Thisisshady

Takeyourhit

It'skicked

What?

It'sbeat

Idon't

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

Whatdoyousay?Theweedisburnt.

Cashed?

BOB

HOMER

Okay.it'sCashed

Kicked?Why?

BOB

HOMER

It'sjustwhatwesayhere

BOB

Ialwayssaidcashed

HOMER

Myfathersaidbeat.ButIsaykicked

KEN

Isaykickedtoo

That'sweird

BOB

HOMER

Canyourepackthisfuckingshit?Ineedtosmoke

It'spacked

Thanks

BOB

HOMER

BOB

You'llleaveforIraqtomorrow

HOMER

I'mdoingthisformyson

BOB

Iknow.[Exhales]

LINDA

I'mworriedaboutmyfather.Heprovidesforus

buthespendsallhistimeupgradinghisweed

accessoriesandbuyingmoreweed.

LISA

It'simportantforafathertobringhomebig

sacksofweedforhisfamilytosmoke.

MARGE

[exhaleshugebonghit]Hearfuckinghear

BART

I'mscaredbeingoverhere.Imissthecomfortsof

homeandchiefingwithmyfatherandsister.

MIKE

Idon'tsmokebutI'mterrified.

LISA

Doyouthinkourbrotherwillevercomehome?

MAGGIE

There'snowayofknowing

LISA

AllIwantistochiefwithhim.

CARL

I'mworriedabouttheSimpsonfamily

MOE

ThatboybelongsinIraq

 

CARL

Moe

 

MOE

Idon'tcare.

 

CARL

He'sonly19

 

MOE

Fuckyou

FLANDERS

AretheSimpsonsokay?

MAN

Allofgodschildrenmakeofoutokay

FLANDERS

Thisshitisserious.Canyoushutthefuckup?

LENNY

Homerhasn'tpostedongrasscityfordays

BARNEY

He'snotoutandabout

APU

Homerhashisownplans

SERGEANT

Getonthefuckingfloor,Simpson.

BART

I'manormalcomfortableAmericanboy.I'mnota

warrior.

SERGEANT

Onthefuckingfloor.

SMITHERS

IthinkyoupushedHomertoofar

BURNS

Imadethewrongchoice.We'reallconcernedfor

homer

SMITHERS

Itsnotamicrophone

SERGEANT You'vebeenapieceofstonershitontheheelof

mybootsinceday1.

BART

AthomeImakeallofmyfriendslaugh.I'mloved

HOMER

Canwesmokeonthisplane?

BOB

What?Aftertheattacks?Notanymore.

HOMER

Whathavetheydonetous

MAGGIE

Idon'tbelieveinthiswar

LISA

PleasepasstheJ

MAGGIE

Ourbrotherisbraveandourancestorswouldbe

proud

Don'tbogart

LISA

SERGEANT

Don'tworryaboutalQaeda.I'myournewworst

enemy

heexits

BART

Iwanttobesmokingweedinmylivingroomwith

myfamily

HOMER

Thesecurityguardsdidn'tfindmybluntwraps

BOB

Theydon'tknowwhatitis.Theyonlysmokehash

Fuckinganimals

HOMER

BART

AthomeIamlovedandadored.Inthisstrange

countryIamtreatedlikeadoganddeniedmy

humanity.Myidentityisdisintegrating.

BART

Itookmyfamilyandthecomfortsofhomefor

granted.NowIamatthenadirofmybrieflife.I

longforthecomfortofmarijuana

BART

ItrytofitinbutIamnotmadeforwar.Iama

peacefulstonerboy.HowImissmyfather.HowI

missmybubblersandchillums.

BART

Ifeelnaivetohavebeensocomplacentandserene

backhome.ButhowcouldIknowthatIwouldsoon

beaskedtokillahumanbeing?

BART

LastnightIawokefromadream,tryingtograba

passedbluntthatwasn'treallythere.Ifeelthis

emptinessatalltimes.

BART

Iamnolongerapeacefulandgregariousweed

smoker.Iamanattackdogoftheimperialist

state.Myonlyfunctionistokill.

BART

Ineedtolearntosuppressmyemotions,my

longingsforhome.Theonlywayformetosurvive

istoacceptthatIamakiller.

BART

Iamasoldiernow.Thereisnowwayout.Thereis

nogoinghome.Thereisnohome.Iwilldiein

thisdesert.

MARGE

Imadebbq'dlobstercheddarportabellocaps,

mapleglazedasparagus,freshquahogs

Leavemealone

LISA

MARGE

Youneedtosmoke

MARGE

Idon'tknowwheremyhusband'sgone

MAGGIE

He'sprobablyre-upping?We'redry.

MARGE

Thisfamilyusedtosmokeanounceperday

MAGGIE

Youdon'tthinkit'sproblematictogaugeour

family'ssuccessbymarijuanaconsumption?

MARGE

[exhaleshugeblunthit]Gotobed.

ABE

Thismedicinalgradesureisgoodshit.Ireally

likeit.

inhalesfromvaporwhip

Iteasesmypain

EXT.NIGHT

ABE

MOEknocksoveratrashcanontheSimpsons'frontlawn.MARGE

comesoutinabathrobe

Moe?

MARGE

MOE

Where'syourhusband?

You'redrunk.

MARGE

MOE

I'mdrunkandI'mhigh.

Gohome,Moe.

MARGE

MOE

Imisshimsomuch.

MARGE

Wedon'tknowwhereheis.

MOE

Isheintrouble?

MARGE

Maybe.Butifheis,Iknowhe'sdoingitforour

family.

MOE

He'ssuchagoodman.

[smiling]Heis

MARGE

heis.

MOE

Ican'tdrivelikethis.

MARGE

Comehaveatoke.I'llwakethekids.

MARGE

Sorry,allwehaveisspicefromthegasstation.

MOE

Idon'tsmokethatcrap.

MARGE

Toogoodforspice,arewe?

MOE

I'msorryaboutBart.

Whatabouthim?

MARGE

Youknow

MOE

ThewholeIraqthing.

MARGE

Bartwillbefine.He'sasurvivor.

BOB

Myguywillletusinthebasetonight.We'llwait

onthishill

HOMER

Let'ssmokesomemore

BOB

Wayaheadofyou

HOMER

[exhales]Icanseethewholefacility

BOB

It'swhereIdeal

HOMER

Whataretheydoingtomyson

HOMER

I'vebeenlettingmykidsmokeweedsincethird

grade.Butwasitright?He'stoosoft.He'snot

readyforthis.I'mnoteither.

HOMER

I'vebeenchiefingitsincethe70s.Ismokedto

escapemyparentsfighting.NowI'mjustasshitty

asmyoldman.

Ifuckedup.

HOMER

BOB

Homer.Yoursonmightnotbethesamewhenyousee

him

HOMER

Ineedtotouchmykid

BOB

Itmightbedifficult

HOMER

Sowhatifhe'sdifferent?IknowwhenIpasshim

thepiecethathe'sgonnabethesameoldBart

BOB

Theychangedhim

HOMER

Repack.We'vebondedoverthepipeforyears,and

you'retellingmehewon'tenjoyit?

BOB

Wedon'tknowyet

HOMER

Doyouthinkanyactsofterrororweaponsofmass

destructioncouldstiflemyboy'slovefor

chronic?

BOB

Idon'tknowhim

HOMER

WellIdo.Wealldo.Bartmadeusalllaugh.

TenderBart

BOB

HOMER

Ilovemyfuckingson

SONIC

Youselltomenow.

MOE

Iselltoanyonewithmoney

SONIC

Youonlyselltome.

AndifIdon't?

MOE

SONIC

I'llfuckyouup

Ihavepeople

MOE

SONIC

Youdon'tseemtoknowwhoIam.Yourpeoplewere

minebeforeyouwereborn

You'reakid

I'llkillyou

MOE

SONIC

MAGGIE

Ifeelaterribleanxiety.Ithinksomething

terribleisgoingtohappensoon.

Hitthisspice

LISA

MAGGIE

We'resmokingspicenow?

LISA

Thisusedtobeagreatfamily.

MARGE

Itstillis,honey.

LISA

MybrotherisinIraq.Dad'sgone.Weusedto

smokeanounceaday.

MARGE

Youneedtotrustyourfather.Healwaysgetsus

throughthetoughtimes.Youknowthis.

LISA

Whatifhe'sinoverhishead?

MARGE

Maybehe'sinoverhishead.Butwe'llstillhave

aroofoverours.Believeit.

LISA

He'sagreatman,isn'the?

Heis.

MARGE

BOB

Mymaniscoming

I'mnervous

HOMER

BOB

Chill.Keeptokingit.Hesmokestoo

CONTACT

Youguyscancomedown.don'tevenworry.I'm

friendswithMike.

BOB

Mike'sagoodguy

CONTACT

Mikesavedmyass

HOMERandCIRCUSBOBdescendintocamp

HOMER

Myson.Whereishe

AskMike

CONTACT

HOMER

Mike?Whereishe

MIKE

He'sintherecroom

Inrecroom

Homer

Thisisn'tmyson

HOMER

BOB

HOMER

Agrotesque,muscularcaricatureofBartishangingoutwitha

coupleofjugheads,shootingtheshitanddrinkingMillers

HOMER

Idon'tevenrecognizehimwithoutabonginhis

hand

MIKE

Hehasn'tnoticedusyet

BOB

Thekid'swasted

Son.

HOMER

BART,surprised:Father?Whatthefuck?Whyare

how?

HOMER Whatthefuckdidtheydotoyou I'mgoingto cry.

MIKE

Getthisguysomeherb

BART

Idon'twantthatshitaroundme

HOMER

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

BART

Youheardmefather

BART

I'magrownassman.I'mhere.Fightingformy-for

YOURfuckinglife.Ican'tsitaroundallday

smokingkush.Notanymore.

BART

Ineedclarityofmind,highreactiontime,ifI'm

liftedoutthere,whenit'seithermeorsome

terrorist,I'mafuckinggoner.

BART

Thisisforyou,father.Thisisforourfamily.I

thinkofyouguyseverytimeIturndownthe

hashishpipe.

BART

Iknowyou'reanti-war.Iwastoo.Butthisis

whatIhavetobe.I'mhereforareason.Imet

theirdemands.Nowmeetmineandleave.

HOMER

Icamehereforyou

BART

Why?SoyoucouldgetmehighandshowmeSNLWeb

Shorts?

HOMER

Youlovelasercats.

IloveAmerica

BART

HOMER

Iwantout.Iwasdoingthisformyson.Thatman

isnotmyson.

BOB

Out?Thereisnoout.You'reinuntilwemove

thesebricks

HOMER

Letmecallmywife

BOB

Whydon'tyouprayinstead?

 

HOMER

You'reamonster

 

BOB

I'manentrepreneur

 

HOMER

Myson

 

BOB

Idon'tcare

 

HOMER

[aside]WhathaveIdone?I'minIraq.Mysonisa

mindlesskillingmachine.Mylifeissofuckedup.

What?

Nothing.

BOB

HOMER

LISA

It'sbeenweeks.Whereisfather?

MARGE

Idon'tknow

Idontknow.

LISA

We'rerunninglowonspice.Soonwe'llbesmoking

salvia.

MARGE

Hewillprovideforus.

LISA

Whatifheleftthefamily?

MARGE

You'reoutofkushfor3weeksandyoulosefaith

inyourfather?

Bart

HOMER

talktome,son.Whydidyouchange?

BART

DoyouwanttoknowwhatIdoforfunnow,father?

Ishootdogsinthestreet.

HOMER

Youusedtobeapeacefulboy.

BART

NowIamamanofwar.

You'reaghost.

HOMER

BART

Gosmokeyourpotyoupatheticaddict

HOMER

You'velostfaithinyourself,boy.You'velost

faithinhumanity.

BART

I'velostfaithinmydepravedweedsmokingfather

HOMER

Youweregoingtoteachmehowtogame

Don'teven.

BART

HOMER

YouweregoingtoteachmeProjectGothamRacing4

BART

Youhavetimeforthatnow?Ihavebloodonmy

hands,father.Ican'tgobacktothatlife.

HOMER

Wewanttomakeyouwholeagain

HOMER

Comehome,Bart.Tokewithme,Maggie,Lisa,Ken.

We'llbewaitingforyouwithafreshlypacked

bowl.

BART

AlQaedawouldlovethat

Thesesoldiers

HOMER

theyaren'tyourfriends.

BART

You'reright.They'remyfamily.

 

HOMER

I'myourfamily.

 

BART

You'readrugaddict.

 

HOMER

Weedisn'taddictive.

 

BART

That'swhythewholefamilyisblazed24/7?

HOMER

Iprovideforthatfamily.

You'reapusher

BART

HOMER

Theysmokeweedbecausetheychooseto.Idon't

forceanyonetotoke.

BART

Youuseweedtomakepeopleloveyou.

HOMER

Stopit.

Youdenyit?

BART

HOMER

Youhaveitbackwards.Iprovidedankkushbecause

Ilovemyfamily.

BART

You'refuckingdelusional,Homer.

LISA

Imissthegoldendayswhenwehadpilesoffluffy

drotoblaze

MAGGIE

Ourfamilyisengulfedbydarkness.

LISA

ThereisashadowovertheSimpsonhousehold.

MAGGIE

Whereisfather?Whereisbrother?

LISA

Idon'twanttosmokethissalvia.

MAGGIE

Wehaveto.Ineedtosmoke.

LISA

Arewedrugaddicts?

MAGGIE

We'rerecreationalsmokers.

LISA

Whathasourfatherdonetous?

MAGGIE

Heprovidedforus.

LISA

Pasttense?Doyouthinkhe'sgone?

MAGGIE

Shutupandhitthisfuckingsalviablunt.Let's

blaze

LISA

[exhales]Ihateit.Theworldisgettingdarker.

MAGGIE

IfeellikeI'minanightmare

Iwanttodie.

LISA

MAGGIE

Thissalviatripisafarcryfromtheluxurious

purpweusedtosmokedaily.

LISA

Thewallsareclosingin.

ImissBart.

MAGGIE

MARGE

[lookingoutofkitchenwindow]Whereismy

husband?IfeelthatIshouldgotothepolice.

MARGE

AsthelastremnantofTHCleavesmysystem,the

gravenessofourfamily'ssituationoccurstome.

HowwasIsonaive?

HOMER

Bart

ofpurp.Don'tyoumissit?

Thinkaboutwhenyoutookthatfirsthit

BART

Igetthesamehighfromkilling.

No

HOMER

BART

Someoftheguysherecan'thandleit.Itcomes

naturallytome.Iwasborntokill.

HOMER

Youwereborntosmoke.

HOMER

Youghosteditonyourfirsthit.You'reanatural

weedsmoker.AlltheSimpsonsare.

BART

Maybethat'strue.ButI'masoldiernow.

MOE

ThereisadarknessovertheSimpsonhousehold.

LENNY

Thefatherandthesonhavedisappeared.

CARL

Weprayfortheirsafereturn.

MOE

Theweedsmokedissipatestorevealabroken

family.

LENNY

Thewifedespairs.

CARL

Thechildrensmokestalesalvia.

ABE

TodaymySocialSecuritycheckarrived.Homeris

alwayshereforahandout.

LEO

Couldhaveforgotten.

ABE

Mysondespisesme.

atthebank]

Haveaniceday

FLANDERSenters]

ABE

FLANDERS

HeymanhaveyouseenHomer?Springfieldisdryas

abone

No.Iamafraid

Wecanpray

ABE

FLANDERS

Ohyeah

ABE

FLANDERS

Praythisroachwillgetushigh[sparksup]

ABE

Wecan'tdothathere

BART

[aside]Myfatherpleadsformyreturn.Ithurts

metomistreathim,butIcannotbringmydarkness

backtothatpeacefulhousehold.

BART

Ikillformycountry.ButwhyshouldIservea

countrythatasksmetokill?Itdoesn'tmatter.I

cannottakebackwhatIhavedone.

BART

AllIcandonowissparemyfamily.IfIreturn

toSpringfieldawaveofmiserywilltearapartmy

family.Thissufferingismine.

BART

Iamphysicallyandmentallyscarred.Iseem

tough,butinsideIstilllongforahomeIknowI

canneverreturnto.

BART

Perhapsinheaven,ifsuchathingexists,these

memoriesandcrimeswouldbewashedawayandI

couldrejoinmypeacefulfamily.

BART

Heaven

thatplace.Formeitwillbehellordarkness.

Heaven.Idon'tthinkIamboundfor

BOB

Hash?Gothash,oil,dabs,

HOMER

Mysonisgone.Heisdead.Heisalivebutheis

dead.

BOB

IneedtomovethesebricksofhashbyTuesday.

Let'sgo

MARGE

That'sthelasttimeIsawhim.

WIGGUM

Marge,HomerwasseenwithBob

drugdealerwithtiestoAlQaeda.

MARGE

Aninternational

He'sinvolvedwithAlQaeda?

WIGGUM

Wehavenoreasontobelievethat

 

MARGE

MyGod

 

WIGGUM

Calmdown

 

MARGE

OhGod

 

WIGGUM

Hitthis

 

HOMER

Imovedyourhash,nowIwanttogohome.

BOB

WehaveaflightoutofBaghdadtomorrowmorning.

ButfirstIneedtoseeafriend.

HOMER

CanIsaygoodbyetomyson?

BOB

There'snotime.

Bob,please.

HOMER

BOB

[liftsshirt,revealing9mmtuckedintowaistband]

HOMER

Thiswasamistake.

BOB

Itwasyourmistake.Youhavetodealwiththe

consequences.

HOMER

IshouldhavenevercometoIraq

MARGE

MyHomerwouldn'tgetinvolvedwithterrorism.He

loveshiscountry.

WIGGUM

Ma'am,helovesgettinghigh.There'sa

difference.

SONIC

Sothisisallminenow?

 

BURNS

yessonic

 

SONIC

Eventhespliff?

 

BURNS

thefacilityandallitscontentsareyours

SONIC

Iusedtocreateproblemswithmyfriends

Youupsetthem

BURNS

SONIC

NowIcreatejobsforAmerica

BURNS

Showthemwho's#1

LENNYandCARL,aside]:Thewarisfoughtonbothfronts.In

thebattlefieldandatourhomeeconomy

BARNEY

Imtrippingonthisnutmeg

LISA

Ican'tkeeptrippingfaceonthissal.Ineedan

ounceofschwagorsomething.

BENDER

Igottheshittiestbrickintown

LISA

mydadgavemefluffystuff

BENDER

Youroldman?Youroldmanissellingtotheother

side.

LISA

homerdoesn'tdeal

MARGE

Whathasmyhusbandgotteninvolvedin?Thepolice

sayhemaybeinIraq.Tosaveoursonfromwar?

Orworse?

LISA

Doyourememberthetimeswespentinthisgazebo?

MAGGIE

Ourfatherbuiltit.

LISA

Wefilleditwithweedsmokedaily.

He'sgonenow.

Hewillreturn.

MAGGIE

LISA

MAGGIE

Youbelievethat?

LISA

Wewillhotboxthisgazeboagain.

MAGGIE

Youhavefaithinhim.

LISA

Hewasfaithful.

MAGGIE

ThroughmarijuanahefoundChrist.

Andsodidwe.

LISA

LISA

Andhowdoesourbrotherfare?

MAGGIE

Ifearhemaybelost

LISA

InthedesertofIraq?

MAGGIE

Thedesertsofviolenceandalcohol

HOMER

Iwasagoodfather.Ishouldn'tbeinIraq

BOB

Agoodfatherdoesn'tsellhashinIraq

But

myson

You'reajoke.

HOMER

BOB

MARGE

Maggie,Lisa,Ken.Ihavenewsaboutfather.

Please,please.

CHILDREN

MARGE

He'sinIraq.HewentafterBart.He'sinbig

trouble.

Why?

MAGGIE

MARGE

He'swithadrugdealerwhomaybeinvolvedwith

AlQaeda.

LISA

DidhehelpBart?

MARGE

Idon'tthinkso.

MAGGIE

Bartmadeapromisetohiscountry.

LISA

Canitwiththepatrioticstuff,Mags.

MARGE

Ithoughtyouwereagainstthewar.

MAGGIE

Somewarsarenecessary.

Notthisone.

That'senough.

LISA

MARGE

LISA

Itwillneverbeenough.

Bartisbrave.

MAGGIE

LISA

Hedidn'twanttofight.Hejustwantedtoblaze

andchill.

MAGGIE

He'sfightingforourrighttoblazeandchill.

LISA

Andhow'sthatworkingoutforyou?SinceBartand

fatherleft,we'vebeensmokingresin.

MAGGIE

Theresinisn'teventhatbad.

LISA

Didweeversmokeresinwhenourfatherwashere?

Weusedtosmokeanounceaday.

MAGGIE

Mybrotherisahero.Fuckyourounce.

MARGE

Language!Language.

Sorry.

MAGGIE

MARGE

YourheartisintherightplacebutIdon'tlike

thelanguage

LISA

Iwantmyfamilyback

LISA Howfreeareyougoingtobewhenwehavetobury

Bartbeforehis20thbirthday?

Enough.

MARGE

MAGGIE

I'moutofhere.

MOE

Yousureyoucanmovetwopoundsaweek?

 

KEN

Ihavenochoice.

 

MOE

You'reabraveboy.

 

KEN

Imustredeemmybrokenfamily.

LENNY

Theyoungersontakesaction.

CARL

Hewantstorestorehisfamily'sglory.

MOE

Hisrisewillchangeeverything.

BOB

It'stimeforyoutomeetmyfriend.

HOMER

Iwanttogohome

BOBsmackshomeracrossthemouth

BOB

Getoutofthecar.

BOBandHOMERenteramansion.Bricksofhasheverywhere

Wherearewe?

HelloHomer.

HOMER

MILHOUSE

HOMER

Myson'sfriendMilhouse?

It'sme.

MILHOUSE

HOMER

WhatareyoudoinginIraq?

MILHOUSE

I'mthemainhashsupplierforAlQaeda

That'sinsane

HOMER

MILHOUSE

Isitsoinsane?Anymoreinsanethatyoufind

yourownselfinthiswildland?

HOMER

Icamehereformyson.

Sure.

MILHOUSE

MILHOUSE

Weallcamehereforsometing.Icameheretodo

ITworkforamilitarycontractor.Nowlookatme.

Thisplacechangespeople.

HOMER

Idon'twanttochange.Ilikeyouam.

MILHOUSE

You'llchange.I'llmakeyouchange.

HOMER

Whatdoesthatmean?

BOB

Enoughquestions,Simpson.

MILHOUSE

He'sfine.Shutup,Bob.

Sorry.

BOB

MILHOUSE

Rollthegrownupsahashbluntandgothehell

away

HOMER

[exhaleshugehit]

How'sthehash.

MILHOUSE

It's

HOMER

it'sreallygood.

[smiles]Iknow.

MILHOUSE

It'schocolatey

HOMER

MILHOUSE

Andyou'retellingmeyoudon'twanttobeapart

ofthis?HOMER:Apartofwhat?

MILHOUSE

Thisplace.Iraq.Paradise.

Ihaveafamily.

HOMER

MILHOUSE

Ihaveunlimitedweed.

Damn

Yeah.

HOMER

MILHOUSE

HOMER

Thatsoundsgood.

MILHOUSE

Itisgood,Homer.

HOMER

[aside]Thepromiseofendlesspleasure.Butmy

familyathome.Whatwouldtheydowithoutme?I

can'tdothis.ImustleaveIraq.

MARGE

Myhusbandmingleswithmujahideenthousandsof

milesfromhome.HowIhopethathisintentions

arenoble.Thisfamilyneedshim.

MAGGIE

Mybrotherisahero.Myfatherisacoward.Both

haveleftthefamily,butonlyonehasintentions

ofrestoringourfamily'shonor

MAGGIEpicksupthephone

Mags

it'sKen

KEN

MAGGIE

Ken?Idon'trecognizethenumber.

KEN

I'minjail,sis.I'mfacing10years.

Mygod

MAGGIE

forwhat?Whatdidyoudo?

KEN

Iwastryingtohelp.

MAGGIE

Ken,whatdidyoudo?

Ishotaguy.

Ken

Ken,why?

KEN

MAGGIE

KEN

It'salongstory.IwassellingdankforMoeand

itgotcomplicated.

KEN

TheguyisfinebutI'mfacinganassaultcharge.

Ididn'thaveanyproductonmebutthat'sthe

leastofmyproblemsnow.

KEN

I'mbeingremanded.Iwon'tbeabletoseeanybody

untilmytrial.I'msorry.Ijustwantedtohelp

thefamily.

[sobbing]

MAGGIE

KEN

Ihavetogo.[hangsup]

MAGGIE

Thisfamilythatwasonceunitedbydankbudshas

beentornapartbythosesamebuds.Godforgive

us.

SONIC

Youcallthesenugs?Hahawhathaveyoubeen

smoking?

Pot

Iknow.

SMITHERS

SONIC

SONIC

wheredidyougettheseregs?

it'sspice

SMITHERS

SONIC

Thisisregulargradeweed.

SMITHERS

Benderdealsbrownbud

SONIC

IthoughtBobchasedBenderaway?

SMITHERS

BobisinIraqwithHomer

homerisbrave.

he'sstrong

SONIC

SMITHERS

SONIC

Benderispushinginmyneighborhood

SMITHERS

Areregularsathreat?

SONIC

Allpotsmokersarethreatstomeandsociety

Yousmoketoo

SMITHERS

SONIC

Iwanttofuckthistownup

You'reakid

SMITHERS

SONIC

fuckthis.I'mgoingtokickyourentireass

FLANDERS

TheSimpsonboy

here,someday.Wealldo.Whatsupneighbor?

Ihadafeelingyou'dendup

KEN

Idon'twanttotalkaboutit.

Fuckpigsman.

[silence]

FLANDERS

KEN

FLANDERS

Iwastokin'inabank.Wasn'tthefirsttime,

sureashellwon'tbethelast.

INT.MILLHOUSE'sgarage

HOMER

Ineedtosavemyson.Ineedtogohome.Ineed

toendthiswarmyself.ButfirstIneedtohit

thisbrick

Millhouse

HOMER

MILLHOUSE

Yes,Homer?

HOMER

Whatifyoucouldrulethisdesert

Ido.

Butofficially?

MILLHOUSE

HOMER

MILLHOUSE

That'simpossible.Theydon'tevenvotehere

HOMER

WecanbringdemocracytotheIraqipeople

[repacksbowl]

HOMER

Youhaveconnectionsright?

Obviously

MILLHOUSE

HOMER

Canyouarrangeameetingwiththeman?

Him?

Yes

MILLHOUSE

HOMER

MILLHOUSE

IthinkIcandothat

Doeshesmoke?

HOMER

MILLHOUSE

PresidentGeorgeBush?Hesmokesweedallfucking

day.

 

HOMER

Nice

 

HOMER

IknewIvotedfortherightguy.

Cool

He'sgood

MILLHOUSE

HOMER

MILLHOUSE

Iguess.Also,it'snotamicrophone

Sorry

Bobcan'tknow

HOMER

MILHOUSE

HOMER

Bobdoesn'tknowhisfivechambersfromhissixes

Harsh

FuckBob

MILHOUSE

HOMER

MILHOUSE

GeorgeWalkerBushwillbeinIrantomorrow

We'reinIraq

Iranissimilar

HOMER

MILHOUSE

HOMER

I'mgoingtosmokewithBush

HOMER

[aside]Thiswarhasreacheditszenith.Ican

ascendpoliticsusingmyhistoricalmaterialist

outlookandbringthistoaclose

INT.IranianEmbassy

I'mnervous

HOMER

MILHOUSE

Iknowthisguywell

HOMER

WhatifheknowsIdeal

MILHOUSE

Hesmokes

 

HOMER

Ohyeah

 

HOMER

ShouldIrollabluntbeforeweseehim?Isit

courteous?

MILHOUSE

RollbushatleastacourtesyJ

HOMER

J'sarelightweightshit

MILHOUSE

GeorgeBushisaheavyweight,expertsmoker

HOMER

I'mgladhe'sinourwhitehouse

MILHOUSE

Ihaveproblemswithhim

HOMER

He'schillandsmokes,andhe'sfightingforus

MILHOUSE

Idisagreewiththewar,andhistaxcuts

HOMER

Youhatefreeenterprise?

MILHOUSE

Competitionisfinewhenit'sfair

HOMER

It'sfairtousall.TheAmericandreamisreal

MILHOUSE

Bushsmokestoomuch

Forgetit.

HOMER

MILHOUSE

Bushcanreceiveusnow

HOMER

Hebetterhitthisshithard

Businessfirst

No

MILHOUSE

HOMER

HOMER

I'mgoingtolightuprightnow

MILHOUSE

Waittillhe'sready

HOMER

I'llblowweedinBush'sface

Don't

DOORopens

MILHOUSE

BUSH

Milhouse!It'sbeenagesmydearboy!

MILLHOUSE

IhavetwoL'snow

Sincewhen?

BUSH

MILLHOUSE

IrolltwoL'saday

Goodone

Thanks

Thatwasnice

BUSH