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LANCE ARMSTRONG
STRETCH ARMSTRONG
TOP HONOUR FOR
OLYMPIC HERO
ARISE
KING MO!
219
OCTOBER
3USA $9.50
.20
AUS $8.50
www.viz.co.uk
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200VIZ
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et t RbocK
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s
E
o
o
o
STHR LETTER
oViz Comic
letters@viz.co.uk
Clouded
Judgement
teers and spectators. Everyone except Morrissey enjoyed 17 days of spectacular sport, and now that its come to an end, your letters have been flooding in
telling us of your thoughts about the greatest Olympic Games ever held...
OLYMPIC G
ROUND-UP
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he london 2012 olympIc games have been called the greatest ever
T
seen, not just in terms of the spectacular medal haul by the host nation, but
in terms of the sporting spirit of the competitors and good humour of the volun-
Race
Issue
Dramatic
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Jobs Boost
FooL your next door neighbour
into thinking its green bin week
by putting your green bin out
before they get back from work.
Borris Hoddinot, e-mail
oLymPIC commentators. Avoid
general public opprobrium and
the severe disdain of the emergency services by NOT saying
he is literally on fire when, in
fact, you mean he is metaphorically on fire.
Toby Tyke, e-mail
Going
Loco
iF The Government is
serious about improving the countrys economy,
they should hire TV soap
scriptwriters as consultants.
Not only have they managed
to achieve full employment
(including the 16 -25 year old
group) in both inner-city and
rural areas, but no-one ever
has to travel further than the
end of their street to get to
work. Its worth a thought,
Mr Cameron.
Tom ONeil, e-mail
Continued over...
AMES
2012
SyNChRoNISEd
swimming
would be a lot more interesting
if the beaming contestants performed
their sport naked. And got out of the
pool. And performed sex acts on each
other. International Olympic Committee
please take note.
Jim Alsopps chum, e-mail
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KaleelZibe.com
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Kim
people will think you are a psychopath rather than a germophobe.
Carl F, e-mail
Day
For a
Apple
Fart
If chImney sweeps
are considered to be
so lucky, how come most of
them went bankrupt in the
70s with the advent of gas
and electric fires?
T Corrigan, e-mail
Holes in
the Plot
The Chuckle
Brothers
Comedy twosome
If we were Kim for a
day, both Barry and
I would be Swedish International midfielder Kim
Kllstrm. Weve long admired
the FC Spartac Moscow goal
machine for his pace and his
mastery of the long shot. If me
and my Chuckle brother were him
for a day, wed go to somebodys
house to do some decorating, and
Barry would push the step ladder
through a glass window. Then Id
spill a bucket of wallpaer paste on
his head before painting someones face blue with a paint roller
as they stood in a doorway.
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e our Say
Big Twat Strikes Again!
Have Yo S
Statue?
No, its me!
claimed that the country was now foul with jingoism, adding
that the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout britain.
his words were angrily denounced, but does he have a point? Did the populations
wholesale embrace of the 2012 games spill over from innocent enjoyment into
genocidal nazism? Or was Morrissey talking out his arse as usual? we went out on
the street to find out what the Great british public had to say on the matter...
My
gIrlfrIend
has just left me, saying I was a useless tosser. If
UP THE ARSE
Sender:
Richard Happer,
e-mail
Sender: Al Campbell,
e-mail
Sender: Eddie do I
win 5? Flynn, e-mail
C
O
R
N
E
R
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WHAT DO
YOU
THINK?
I
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Astronaut and
Neil NASA
first man on the Moon
FeW peOpLe have travelled further than Astronaut Neil, who drove
his rocket Apollo 11 all the way to the Moon and back in 1969, a total of
half a million miles - thats the equivalent of travelling to the Moon and
back. But nagging questions remain as to whether the crew ever went
into space at all, and many people believe that rather than the Moon,
Armstrong and his cronies faked their whole mission on a Hollywood
film set.
Score: 4
As the only man to walk on the Moon, Neil was one of the few people on
Earth who experienced limb ductility. In the vacuum of space, Armstrongs
arms and legs would have become considerably longer in the absence
of gravity. However, whilst experiencing the high blast-off G-forces in his
Saturn 5 rocket, his limbs would have become much shorter. In the end,
the two effects would have cancelled each other out, so its a mediocre
score for the late lunar pioneer.
Score: 5
Score: 3
Its A recorded fact that Project Apollo astronauts were routinely plied
with drugs prior to blasting off on their week-long Moon missions. But they
werent ripped to their spaceman tits on squidgy black, crystal meth or
anabollock steroids, they were simply drugs to bung them up, as NASA
boffins had yet to develop a toilet which could cope with solid motions in
the weightless vacuum of the lunar module.
Score: 7
Score: 7
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TOTAL
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7-times winner of
the Tour de France
Round 1: TRAVEL
During his illustrious sporting career, cyclist Lance has put in more
than half a million miles in the saddle - equivalent to pedalling all
the way to the Moon and back. So youd be forgiven for expecting a
high score in this round. However, as his record of winning cyclings
most coveted prize shows, Armstrong has only ever been to France,
where he has competed in the famous Tour de race seven times.
Score: 3
A bAD start for Stretch, who rarely travelled anywhere except the
short distance from the Argos shop to a childs house, and then a few
months later from the house to the Oxfam shop, a total distance of
perhaps 20 miles - equivalent to travelling 10 miles towards the Moon
and back. However, as an inexplicably successful toy brand, Stretch
Armstrongs were available in every country on the planet, making
him the unexpected winner of this round.
Score: 7
Score: 2
ThAnks to his limbs that could be drawn out to great lengths, one
might expect Stretch to romp home the winner in this, his specialist
round. However, the dictionary definition of ductile is of a metal,
capable of being drawn into a wire. Armstrongs admittedly stretchy
limbs were made of siilcone and polymers rather than metal and so
were not technically ductile at all. Consequently, its a big zero for the
ductile-limbed action figure.
Score: 0
Round 3: BALANCE
Five-sevenThs of the word balance is
Lance, so youd expect this Armstrong to have
a good sense of it. And youd be right, for the
seven-times Tour de France winner can ride a
bike which has extremely thin wheels for miles
on end without falling off. Not only that, he can
also do no hands and sit on the handle bars
and pedal backwards. And do wheelies.
Score: 8
Score: 9
Score: 5
WiTh his ripped physique, large jaw and invisible genitals, Stretch
Armstrong looks like a prime candidate for steroid abuse. However, if you
thought the flexible toy was full of exotic muscle-building chemicals and
banned substances youd be quite wrong, for squeaky-clean Stretchs
rubber skin is actually filled with gelled corn syrup - a substance which
athletes are allowed to consume perfectly legally.
Score: 2
Tour De FrAnce records only go back to 1905, when the race was
won by French cyclist Maurice-Francois Garin. Its quite possible that
Stretch Armstrong could have entered and won the competition on
many occasions prior to that date; we will simply never know. In the
absence of any evidence, it seems only fair to give him the benefit of the
doubt, and he gets a middling score in this round.
Score: 0
TOTAL
18
Score: 9
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TOTAL
27
St.Ella
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The Lives of the Saints
of Artois
In the Middle Ages a humble shepherd named Ella lived near Artois
dAquitaine in northern France. The village was sorely afflicted by a terrible
plague of boilers, pigs and hounds. The women were so ugly that the local
men could not bring themselves to go courting with them. As a result, they
were very sad, and their cods were like unto two tins of Fussells milk.
One day, Ella went up into the hills to look for a sheep that had wandered from his flock. On a quiet pathway he
came across a cask of strong lager that had fallen from the back of a passing tumbril cart. The day was hot and the
shepherd was thirsty, so he stopped to quaff a pint of the beer. It tasted good and made him feel happy. Thank-you
Lord for your bounteous gift of ale, he said.
RefReshed and light of heart and head, he ventured forth into the town to seek company. In a tavern, he met a
woman but was repulsed by her ugliness, for she did indeed have a face like a sack of spanners. But the Lord spake
unto Ella, saying, Fear not. Trust in me and have another pint, for I move in mysterious ways my wonders to perform.
But GOd bade the shepherd to keep drinking of the lager, and as he did, a miraculous transformation occurred. For
the more he drank, the more attractive the woman became. Until yea, after the eighth or ninth pint, she was truly a
stunner. Ella fell to his knees and raised his glass on high, crying out in a loud, slurred voice, saying Hallelujah, for I
have pulled a gorgeous bit of muff.
ella enjOIned the woman to come back to his dwelling for a coffee and the rest, and lo, they knew each other
like knives. After he had shot his bolt, the shepherd immediately fell into a deep sleep, waking only six times during
the night to get up for a slash.
In the morning, Ella awoke and gazed upon the woman in his bed. But now she was no longer beautiful and once
again had a face like a cows arse. Even though his head was sorely vexed with a throbbing ague, Ella raised his voice
unto the heavens, crying Christ Almighty. How did I manage to do that? And
at that moment he knew it had truly been a miracle brought about by the beer.
eveRy Friday night in every town in Christendom, that incredible miracle of transubstantiation still occurs, when
young men drink copious drafts of strong lager and cop off with Keira Knightley, only to wake up with Olive off On
the Buses snoring away in their fart sack.
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Next Week: St. Greavesie, Patron Saint of Football Pundits
14
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SWEARING POWER
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L
Government Steps in to
T
Halt Albarn
HE BRITISH POP industry was in meltdown last night as the government
was forced to call in the army in an attempt to stop Blur frontman Damon Albarn
from starting any more bands. The London
boroughs of Hackney and Whitechapel saw
troops on the streets with orders to stop the
musician from collaborating on musical projects at all costs
In an emergency debate
at the house of commons,
Culture Secretary Jeremy
Rhymes With Hunt told
fellow MPs, Albarn must be
stopped. It was fine when he
only had forty or fifty bands,
but hes showing no sign of
slowing down.
He continued: The pop
industry must be a level playing field, but with Albarn
now occupying nearly 30%
of the British musical landscape, hes in danger of distorting the market.
ECLECTIC
General Sir David Richards, the chief of UK defence staff, explained, The
problem is that we dont
know where hell strike next.
Albarn is deliberately eclec-
EXCLUSIVE!
tic, so his collaborations are
almost impossible to predict,
and that puts the public at a
terrible risk.
ELECTRIC
After troops were deployed,
guards were placed around
Jessie J, the North London
Gospel Choir and the seeing
one from Peters & Lee, with
Hunt giving the OK for a
shoot-to-kill policy if Albarn
comes anywhere near them
with a song.
The official alert level has
been elevated to Code
Black for the first time since
Albarn had dinner with
Sting in July 2009. During
that crisis, the Navy were put
on
forty-five
minute standby
in case the songwriter
attempted to collaborate
on a shantie.
But a furious Albarn hit
back, singing: Im not taking this lying down. I will use
any means at my disposal to
start more bands. And in the
meantime, its business as
usual for me.
He then started another
band before heading to his
studio in West London to
start another one.
CHEESE
Cheesemaking pal Alex
James last night appealed
for calm, saying Damon
needs help. This is nothing
new. Even when we were
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Downtools Abbey
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Historic Drama
Stars Strike over
Pay & Conditions
mild
Downton
poison
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Downton Shabby
W
Highclere: Industrial action.
noble
with
Mark Commode
chauffeur
Branson
is
seen
Tabby
GEORGE FORMBY
FAGS
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Continued over...
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THE END
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GROAN! WH
WHERE THE HELL AM I?
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Deceased actor
JOHN THAW
has been
cryogenically
frozen ...
Shortly...
And so...
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33
EXCLUSIVE!
Cash-4-Golds
Top prices paid for
Unwanted Olympic Gongs!
Are YOU an athlete who has struck gold at the Olympics? Have you got
too many gold medals lying about the house gathering dust? Do you want
to turn them into HARD CASH to spend on things you REALLY want?
THEn LOOk nO FURTHER!
I had 18 medals
cluttering up the
house. Sebastian
& Co. gave me
1000 for the lot and I
bought a top of the range
laptop.
MP, USA
Discipline
Beijing 2008
400m hurdles 65
Montreal 1976
Dressage
25
Atlanta 1996
Rhythmic
Gymnastics
85
Lake Placid
(winter) 1996
Curling(women) 2.50
Price
Sebastian & Co are licensed Olympic medal smelters regulated by the International Olympic Smelting Committee. All medals are posted at the athletes own risk.
GB Olympic Heroes to be
Given Ultimate Accolade
The titles come with all the usual
privileges afforded to royalty, such as
a crown, an entry in Burkes Peerage,
and the right to be addressed as Your
Majesty or Your Royal Highness by
commoners.
boxer
One of the first athletes to be
ennobled under the new scheme was
bantamweight boxer Luke Campbell,
who took gold after defeating Irelands
John Joe Nevin in the 56kg class. His
majestys win on points secured him
sovereignty over Campbellistan, an
800-yard long uninhabited island in
the Hebrides.
Speaking from his home in Hull, King
Luke I, 24, told reporters that his newfound regal status would not change
him. I might be a king, but Im going
to keep boxing. And Im still going to
go to the gym every morning, he said.
Sheffield-born track and field heroine
Jessica Ennis was yesterday presiding
over independence celebrations in her
country of Heptathlonia, a 4-squaremile barren rock in the Firth of Forth.
chum
It still hasnt sunk in yet, said Queen
Jessica. I thought Id never beat the
feeling of medalling at my home
Olympics. But becoming a queen as
well has just put the icing on the cake.
If I can just be voted BBC Sports
Personality of the Year too, Id be
made up, the 20-year-old royal
added.
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OF HEROES
LANDS
Peoples Republic of Modavia
Daleyalia
The Kingdom of
Farahstan
Trottitania
Monarch: Queen Laura I
Subjects: 1 shepherd
Nat. resources: 5 sheep
Queen Lauras rst job was to recognise
the encouragement and support that her
mother had given her throughout her
sporting career. In an elaborate ceremony
performed in front of the islands entire
population and his sheep, the 20-year-old
cycling cutie, who took gold in the omnium
and womens team pursuit competitions,
bestowed on her the title Queen Glenda,
the Queen Mother. However, the occasion
was marred when, at a celebratory banquet,
Queen Glenda the Queen Mother choked on
a shbone and had to be airlifted to hospital
on the Kyle of Lochalsh.
United States of
McKeeverica
Trottitania
TriggsniaHodgegovena
Petrovia
Rutherfordesia
Rutherfordesia
Monarch: King Greg
Longshanks
Subjects: 0
Nat. resources. Sand
Petrovia
Monarch: King Peter I of Petrovia
Subjects: 0
Nat. resources: None
Double trap shooting Olympic champion Peter Wilson, now King Peter of
Petrovia, has seen the fortunes of his tiny island efdon decline since its
last inhabitant - a hermit - succumbed to scrofula in 1721. But the 21-yearold farmers son is determined to rejuvenate his national economy. With
no natural resources to exploit, the crafty sovereign intends to produce a
series of rst day cover stamps of his country which he hopes will attract
the attention of philatelists around the world. The stamps will be available
direct from King Peter, The Castle, High Street, Wilson Town, Petrovia,
The North Sea, priced 5 per set, or 3 sets for 10.
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DAMP!
MOULD!
No. of
vulnerable
tenants
Cash gain
per week*
5 9
500 2k
LEEDS
BATH
LOCATION
LONDON
LUTON
LONDON
CAMDEN
2 5
3k 400 10
Join Britains
growing band
of property
entrepreneurs.
No Property? No Problem!
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OPEN FOR
BUSINESS!
1000s of
outbuildings
waiting to
be let!
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Believe it or not, the Defacement Competition has now been a fixture in these
pages for the best part of four years - thats as long as the First World War and in that time it has a similarly deleterious effect on the nations morale as
that great conflict of 1914-1918.
And to mark this not-particularly-impressive Closing Ceremony, which
comes hard on the heels of another not-particularly-impressive Closing
Ceremony which recently took place, wed like you to get your biro out and
deface, despoil and vandalise this picture of a pair of typical London folk,
seen here in their traditional garb.
As ever, points will be awarded for anatomically impossible, veiny, prehensile
penii, improbably hirsute pudenders, badly-drawn piles of fly-blown feeshus
and sparkling, Oscar Wilde-esque cockney dialogue along the lines of
Cor Blimey. Suck my writers block. Points will be deducted if the slightest
evidence of wit, cleverness or artistic ambition is detected. And what do
points make? Not particularly desirable prizes, thats what.
Name.......................................................................................................
Address ..................................................................................................
............................................................... Post Code ..............................
SEPTEMBER WINNERS
Viz 219 October 2012 issue. Papercut Industries/Bellend Publishing Ltd. Owch. All rights reserved. Argh argh argh! No part of this Sssfff! magazine may be reproduced in any way without the Ow! written permission of Fulchester Ow! Ow! Industries and/or Dennis Jesus! Publishing. Argh.
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6488. For mobile applications, ring Russell Blackman, apologise that its not about Marketing and promotions, and then ask him nicely if he could put you through to Andrew Nicholls. To subscribe in the UK, phone 0844 844 0380. Subscriptions: Prices UK: 25.99 Europe: 31.99 Rest of
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ROULADENHEAVY!
IT
E
LIK
O
WH
E
OS
TH
R
FO
WS
VIE
RE
D
AN
WS
NE
ALL THE
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OCT
2012
E!
LETS GET READY TO CRUMBL
Cradle of Filth
WYWs
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W
O
N
T
U
O
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ogers
PROFANISAURUS
by a dearth of knockers.
From the fact that it would
look great with a couple of
tits on it.
breastaurant n. One of those
eateries where the waitresses
are hired based on their qualifications, eg. Hooters.
Brightlingsea bidet n. The
act of depositing a wet wad
of hockle onto a square of
bathroom tissue before wiping ones freckle, as an aid to
personal daintiness. Named
in honour of the notorious
lack of functioning toilet facilities in the delightful Essex seaside resort.
Bristol meth n. Incredibly
strong scrumpy.
broboe n. The male member.
Entering the room very
softly, I had a view of Mr
Rochester before he discovered my presence. He sat in
his chair leafing through his
mams Grattan Catalogue his countenance downcast
as he tugged listlessly at his
broboe. (from Jane Eyre by
Charlotte Bronte).
Rogers
Sack
Dear Roger,
My wife is a trainee
vicar and has noticed
an error in the Profanisaurus update in Viz
217, where the simile
verse from the Old
Testament, like a is
used to describe much
wailing and gnashing
of teeth that is experienced while discharging an over-sized log in
the cludgie. Whilst the
Old Testament contains
much gnashing of teeth,
the phrase wailing and
gnashing is confined to
the New, where it occurs
six times in Matthew and
once in Luke. Perhaps
Mark and John had an
easier time on the pot?
M Watson (Assistant
Curate), e-mail
WorldMags.net
41
Dear Roger,
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Fucking
ROGERS PROFANISAURUS
DAS KRAPITAL
www.profanisaurusapp.com
Available on...
Old Fashioned
Paper Book...
Modern electro
book...
App thingy
OUT
NOW
ON iPHONE,
ANDROID
& NOKIA
tionally unkempt and overgrown bifns bridge, as immortalised by him who done
the music for The Exorcist
and Blue Peter.
Japanese dismount n. Falling
off something. From that far
eastern gymnast who fell off
the pommel horse and later
claimed it was actually his
dismount, thus costing the
British team their silver medal. After landing well clear
of the ramp, the front forks
of the bike collapsed, and
Knievel performed a Japanese dismount which left him
with two broken legs, a shattered shoulder, four cracked
vertebrae and compound
fractures in both wrists, as
well as a ruptured spleen,
concussion and life-threatening internal injuries.
jolly green giant n. A virescent dreadnought that appears as a result of the
over-consumption of fresh
liquorice. Unlikely to provoke much laughter.
judge the fudge v. To assess
the state of ones health by
examining the contents of
the pan for evidence of disease.
Kyle-ie n. A female guest on
the Jeremy Kyle Show who
is semi-attractive, if only
by that programmes usual
low standards, eg. One with
some teeth.
labia-rador n. An extremely
hairy growler. That smells
of tripe.
lambrini surprise n. The mischievous act of drinking a
surfeit of zzy wine, pissing
in the empty bottle and leaving it in the park for a thirsty
gentleman of the road to
happen upon. A tramp trap.
leave everything on the water 1. phr. Clich much used
by Olympic commentators
when referring to Olympic
rowers expending maximum
effort in a race. 2. phr. Doing an immense, personal
best shit.
marble gargler n. One
who likes to nosh nuts.
meerslap n. A dig off the
missus after raising ones
head to clock a bit of passing
clunge.
midlife cricycle n. A highpowered motorbike used by
a 40-year-old man to ensure his visit to Accident
& Emergency has a greater
sense of drama than would
be possible in his company
Vauxhall Insignia.
monkeys st 1. n. Large
nautical knot traditionally
What the
Papers Say
ON THE same subject as the above right letter, congratulations to the sub-editor who managed to slip this into the
Guardians online edition.
Clive B, e-mail
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Continued over...
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Twats Life
With
Cyril Feltcher
Thank-you Esther...
I am this week much
indebted to Dr Ben Spangles and his wife Dr Mrs
Spangles, who recently
sojourned in Denmark
where, unfortunately, due
to pressing business commitments, they were unable to verify the aptness
of this charming ladys
unfortunate monicker by
examining the cleanliness
or otherwise of her vaginal
cleft...
My thanks go to Mr Stuart
Roberts who divulged that
he was shocked to discover these items on flagrant
display in his local branch
of Wilkos. Birds love
them, says Mr Roberts...
I am reliably informed by
Mr David Wharton that
his acquaintance Mr Dom
Esther... its
over to you...
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Continued over...
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NAME.......................................................................................
ADDRESS.................................................................................
............................................... POSTCODE..............................
ROGERS PROFANISAURUS
IS UPDATED IN
EVERY ISSUE OF
Across
Down
Profanisauriati in this issue: A ONeill, C Fitzgerald, J Lock, L Jones, M Jerram, M OToole, C Warmer, Ginger Gav,
Gort, A Rae, G Fraser-Black, C Walker, P Murphy, N James, B Woodgate, M Wolstenholme, P Henshaw, J Parry,
M OKeefe, N Davison, N Cramp, C Smith, P Piper, D Russell, T Ratcliffe, R Noel, G Wilson, J Wallace, A Mobbs,
H McStay, Pete the Meat, Mark, N Mitch, A Ryan, M Pope, M Cooper, K Maguire, Natalie, Sally, G Watts, D Curtis,
A Wright, G Leek, R Wilfort, Nick O, S Clarke, Garden Plan, K Simpson, S Blair, E Oates, P Houghton, J Wilhelm, J
Pinion, B Haig, S Hunt, A Burrell, Jayo, Seanio, Frustrated Mother Superior, S Rushbrook, Winthorpe, Cattle Kate, D
Elliott, P Luke, P Rees, W Milne, C Sodmonk, Al, J Owens, D Thompson, M Hall, P McIlhone, M Bewick, B Van Biene,
D Gibbs, A Hallam, T Freeman, M Clements, S Hoffmann, A Ellis, C Vickers, M Gubb, S Fowler, M Cookson, P Birkett,
M Tatham, J Sparkes, P Lawson, A Mobbs, K Lunam-Cowan, J Rachel, C Turner, C Cox, Sir S Shushufe, P Styles,
J Ellson, Thumbsprain, A Boyd, K Foreman, K Wake, J Rendle, P Neve, S Stephenson, Adam, Swiss Ted, S Crawley,
MR Burns, M Upward, M Bushell, S Soul, Dr R Ellis, D Edwards, S Halsall, P Tench, Felix, G Barham and R Sawyer.
WorldMags.net
47
judges
eyebrows
and
whack-os.
winners podium n. Sir Chris
standing proudly in the middle and the Brownlee boys
on either side. The fruit bowl.
zopi clown n. A person comically attempting to carry
out simple household tasks
whilst slipping into a tranquilised state under the inuence of the quick-acting
prescription sleeping tablet zopiclone. Maw, maw!
Come quick. Granpaws
deein a shite in the neighbours garden the noo!
Dont worry, oor Wullie.
The daft auld cunts just
playin the zopi clown. Ill
fetch ma brush.
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
Set by Anus
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OCTOBER
IT HAPPENED IN
OCTOBER 1982
A new law is brought in that
makes it the Prime Ministers
responsibility to clean up after
the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The change comes about after
the Queen steps in some of
Geoffrey Howes excrement
outside 11 Downing Street. From
now on, Premiers will be required
to scoop up Chancellor mess
and dispose of it in special bins
placed around Whitehall, or face
a fine of up to 300.
OCTOBER 1903
Scientist Marie Curie
finally announces the
discovery of Radium after more
than thirty years of exhausting
research. She hopes that the
new element - which is more
radioactive than either uranium
or thorium - will be used in the
manufacture of luminous alarm
clocks.
OCTOBER 1920
Silent film comedian
Roscoe Fatty
Arbuckle finds himself at the
centre of a shocking scandal
when he is arrested and
accused of the manslaughter of
actress Virginia Rappe, killed
after being hit in the vagina
with a custard pie at an illegal
drinks party in a San Francisco
Hotel.
14
OCTOBER 1978
The Man from
Del Mont is
executed by firing squad in
Bolivia. Whilst visiting orange
plantations in the volatile
border regions he had been
captured by Nationalist Rebels
who accused him of working
for the CIA. When asked if he
was a spy, the Man from Del
Mont said Yes.
OCTOBER 1978
A real life Tarzan is discovered living in the Tropical Palm House at Kew Gardens. Nobody
knows where the heavily-muscled man - who communicates via a series of grunts and
howls - came from, but it appears he has been living in a treehouse up in the rafters of the giant
conservatory, eating nuts, berries and crisps dropped by visitors.
OCTOBER 1984
The BBC transmits the
final episode of the long
running Saturday Night Racist
Showcase. The programme
was first broadcast in more
innocent times when it appealed
principally to a racist and
bigoted audience. However, BBC
bosses now feel it is becoming
increasingly outdated. It is
replaced in the schedules by
The White Folks Show hosted
by Jim Nick Nick Davidson.
OCTOBER 1993
Prime Minister John Major
is fined by a North Shields
court after he is found guilty of
allowing Norman Lamont to foul
the beach at Tynemouth Long
Sands. The premier argues he
thought the offending chancellor
dirt would be washed away by
the tide, but he is ordered to pay
450 plus costs by magistrates.
Councillors later erect signs along
the seafront banning chancellors
from the beach altogether.
OCTOBER 1906
In front of representatives
from Prison Boards around
the United States, inventor
Thomas Edison unveils his new
humane means of execution.
The condemned man is to be
strapped into Edisons Electric
Chair and revolved at 78 rpm
to the sound of high-pitched
Charleston music until he be
dead - a process which can take
up to a fortnight.
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15
OCTOBER 1987
New Yankee Workshop presenter
Norm Abram is mistaken for
Jesus Christ whilst in a supermarket in
Milford, Massachussetts. The town centre
grinds to a halt as Christians from far and
wide flock to see the second coming, and
it is several hours before the mistake is
pointed out and the crowds dispersed. A
red-faced Urma Liebowitcz, the woman
who sparked the rumour, tells CBS
television: He had a beard, he was really
soft spoken and he was a carpenter, so I
just put two and two together.
OCTOBER 2007
Singer Carly Simon finally
reveals who she wrote Youre So
Vain about. In a magazine interview, the US
singer explains that the subject of the 1972
song was actually the comedian Jack
Douglas, whom she had met at a Yorkshire
TV reception to mark the end of a series
of Jokers Wild. He walked into that party
like he was walking onto a yacht, Simon
tells Billboard magazine. He was wearing
an apricot scarf, had his hat strategically
dipped below one eye and was doing Alf
Ippititimus. Ill never forget it.
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OCTOBER 1916
Grigori Yefimovich
Rasputin - the
notorious lover of the Russian
Queen - is killed in St Petersburg.
Rasputins drinking, lusting and
hunger for power have become
infamous, and the demands to do
something about this outrageous
man have become insistent. He
was a cat that really was gone,
says the Tsars son Aleksey
Nikoleayevich. It was a shame
how he carried on, he adds.
26
OCTOBER 1964
Aston Villa becomes
the first UK football
team to develop its own
nuclear capability. Manager Joe
Mercer stresses that the fifteen
10-megaton warheads kept in the
changing rooms at Villa Park are
intended as a deterrent. He tells
Grandstands David Coleman:
At the end of the day, I guarantee
110% that these terrible weapons
will never be used to launch a preemptive strike on another club.
27
OCTOBER 1956
The first pizza ever
seen in the UK goes
on display at the Earls Court
Ideal Home Exhibition, causing
a sensation. Pizza-mania grips
the nation as Britons queue
round the block eager for a
chance to catch a glimpse of
the 10 Dr Oetker Margherita
with pepparoni.
OCTOBER 1903
Ten seconds
into the Wright
Brothers first flight at Kitty
Hawk Beach, North Carolina,
a fanatical terrorist breaks
into the canvas cockpit of
their pioneering aeroplane. At
gunpoint, Orville is forced to
change direction of the 120foot flight and fly the hijacker
forty feet in the opposite
direction.
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48
28
OCTOBER 1909
Captain Robert
Falcon Scotts
third attempt to cross the North
Wales island of Anglesey fails
when he gets some sand in his
shoe at Beaumaris. In his diary,
the explorer writes: Had we
got all the way to Holyhead, I
should have had a tale to tell
of the hardihood, endurance,
and courage of my companions
which would have stirred the
heart of every Englishman.
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4
OCTOBER 1413
In a lavish coronation
service at Westminster
Abbey, the Archbishop of
Canterbury crowns Henry VI
King of England. It is only after
the ceremony that courtiers
realise the bungling bishop has
missed a Henry out and the
new monarch should actually
have been Henry V. The redfaced prelate later admits: Ive
coronated a lot of Henrys just
lately and I just got confused.
OCTOBER 1981
20,000 people in Rome
are horrified to witness an
attack on Pope John Paul II.
The Pontiff is blessing the
faithful on a walkabout in St
Peters Square when a Turkish
protestor runs out of the
crowd and kicks him in the
balls. The Pope is rushed to
the nearby Vatican Hospital,
where the condition of his balls
is later said to be purple but
comfortable.
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18
OCTOBER 1986
Several dancers are
injured during the
filming of the music video for
Lionel Richies Dancing on the
Ceiling. It is thought that heat from
studio lights softened the glue
holding their shoes to the roof of
the set, causing them to fall more
than 30 feet onto a hard concrete
floor. Filming resumes the
following day with foam rubber
mattresses placed under the
performers as a safety precaution.
OCTOBER 1958
Teen idol Cliff
Richards shocks
viewers with a four-letter
outburst on Granada TVs early
evening Bill Grundy Show. The
foul-mouthed pop star calls the
presenter a s*lly s*usage,
and threatens to fl*pping well
kick him up the b*m.
12
OCTOBER 1876
OCTOBER1883
The first abusive
Circus midget
telephone call is made
General Tom Thumb
to Walter F Fisher, an actor
is killed after being hit by a
and member of the DOyly
hammer whilst helping his wife
Carte Opera Company, by
Ada Thumb hang up a picture.
inventor Alexander Graham
Bell. Leaving a message on
Fishers answering machine,
Bell shouts: Ive fucked your
granddaughter, whilst his
assistant, Mr Thomas A Watson
laughs in the background.
19
OCTOBER 1828
Russian goldsmith
and jeweller Peter
Carl Faberg presents a
magnificently bejewelled
egg to Tsarina Alexandra
Feodorovna. The intricatelyconstructed trinket features
over 1,000 priceless jewels,
including rubies, diamonds and
sapphires, and comes complete
with a solid gold plate of
platinum soldiers to dip in it.
OCTOBER 1977
Chancellor of the
Exchequer Dennis
Healey appears on childrens TV
programme Blue Peter in order to
explain how the economy works.
However, during the live broadcast,
the 20-stone Chancellor urinates
and defecates on the floor. When
Prime Minister James Callaghan
attempts to bring Healey under
control, he slips in the mess,
much to the amusement of the
shows three presenters.
23
OCTOBER 2006
Millionaire Mike
Ashley buys HM the
Queen and re-names Buckingham
Palace the SportsDirectQueenhouse
@BuckinghamPalace. Monarch
fans boycott the sportswear
magnates shops untill he restores
the original name of the 200-yearold royal residence. Ironically, Ashley
is himself bought by a major retailer,
and is re-named the DallasCarpets.
comFatCockneyBastard@Mike
Ashley.
29
13
OCTOBER1998
Hollywood hard
man Jack Palance
becomes the first actor to die
three times. The veteran star of
films such as Shane and City
Slickers was first killed in 1972
when he was involved in a car
crash on Sunset Boulevard. He
passed away again in 1986 after
suffering a massive stroke whilst
on holiday in Cuba and today
died peacefully after a short
illness, surrounded by his family.
24
OCTOBER 44BC
Egyptian Pharaoh
Ptolemy XIII fights
a losing battle as he tries to
stop copies of a sex heiroglyph
featuring his wife Cleopatra from
becoming public. However, the
explicit pictographic papyrus,
which features the Queen and her
lover Mark Anthony engaging in
a series of sex acts in a pyramid,
quickly becomes an underground
sensation throughout the ancient
world.
OCTOBER 1969
British supermodel
Twiggy is badly
injured when her Mini-skirt
crashes into a tree. The Vogue
cover girl, real name Leslie
Dawson, has no recollection
of the accident, but witnesses
say that she appeared to lose
control of the short frock as
she was walking round a bend
at a notorious accident black
spot in Holland Park.
CENSORED
30
OCTOBER 1997
Archaeologists
working in
Stratford-upon-Avon make a
discovery which they believe
may finally throw some light
on the vexed question of who
really wrote Shakespeares
plays when they discover
several chimpanzee skeletons
and the remains of nearly 1,000
typewriters in the basement of
Anne Hathaways cottage.
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20
OCTOBER 1896
Wallis Simpson is
born Frank Walter
Warfield in Maryland, USA. After
leaving school, Frank becomes a
professional wrestler, fighting more
than 800 bouts under the name of
The Maryland Mangler. After going
on a diet, he loses 15 stone and
undergoes gender reassignment
surgery. Reinventing himself as
divorced socialite Mrs Wallis
Simpson, he crosses the Atlantic
and marries the Prince of Wales.
25
OCTOBER1868
Queen Victoria
is fined 5 for flytipping after the body of one of
her footmen is found dumped in
the bushes at Windsor Great Park.
The monarch claims that a man
knocked at the door of Buckingham
palace and offered to dispose of the
servants corpse for 10 shillings.
She tells the judge: He told me he
was an official undertaker. I never
thought for a moment that he was
going to just lob it under a hedge.
31
OCTOBER1886
Chicago chemist Dr
John Pembridge
markets a new fizzy drink
- Pembridges Patent Cola.
According to its creator, the new,
non-alcoholic beverage is An
Esteemed Tonic Elixir that will
Enervate the Brain and Stimulate
the Internal Organs, and is made
to a secret recipe containing sugar
syrup, vegetable extracts, opium,
pure heroin, crack cocaine, crystal
meth, phencyclidine and ketamine.
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