5 Breakup Types

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Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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The 5 Breakup Types
Legal Stuff
The information contained in this book is provided as is without warranty of

any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the
information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall Datsusara Media
LLC or the authors of this book be liable for any consequential, incidental or
direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.
The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and

does not guarantee the successful resolution of your relationship problems.
By reading or applying the information in the book, you recognize that you
are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be
considered legal, professional, or personal advice for you.
All rights reserved. Copyright 2014 Clay Andrews, Mika Maddela &
Datsusara Media LLC
Originally published June 2014
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by

any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording,
or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in
writing from the author.

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Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me?
There are is no shortage of books on dating and relationships. So,

what makes this one different?
Well, this book is written by someone who has been a professional

breakup coach since 2009.
My name is Clay and Ive been through the challenges you may be
going through right now with your breakup. After a 7-year relationship
came crumbling apart, he had to learn all the tricks to saving my own
relationship the hard way.
I did get back together with my ex (though the relationship didnt end
up working out for other reasonsultimately she wanted different
things out of life than I did), and this whole process started me on a
personal quest to nally master breakups and relationships.
I started writing a small website on breakups back in 2009, shortly

after nding my own slice of relationship bliss with my then-girlfriend
(and now wife) Mika. It was my way of giving back and helping anyone
else out there going through the struggles that I went through.
Mika soon joined me in helping people online since she had gone
through a series of relationship challenges herself prior to meeting
Clay.
And together weve been helping people come back together and heal
their relationships ever since.
Were not psychologists who have spent years in an ivory tower

studying lab rats running through mazes, nor are we generalized
relationship experts who help people with dating one day, divorces
the next, and online dating the day after.

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To put it plain and simple: we help people with their breakup.
Thats it.
And because of that focus, were very good at what we do.
Day in and day out, since 2009, weve been in the trenches helping
people get back together with their exes. We have case studies of
people saving relationships from seemingly impossible situations.
Weve helped people win back love from thousands of miles away,
weve helped people get their ex back even after that person moved
on and started dating someone else, weve helped people whose ex
had completely shut them out open up a new doorway into their exs
heart.
Now, Im not saying this to brag. I just want you to feel condent
knowing that what Im about to share with you is:
1. Based on real-world experience, not academic theories that

should work
2. Based on our specic and focused specialty of helping people with
breakups
You wont just be given a random grab bag of 100 ways to get your
ex back. I know you dont want 100 ways to get your ex back.
You want ONE way to get your ex back.
One way that works for your specic situation.
If that sounds like you, keep reading

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A Custom-Made Plan for Your Breakup
Every relationship is unique. No two people are the same, and no love
is the same. So, then why do so many so-called relationship experts
treat all breakups the same? You and I both know that, just as every
relationship is unique, so is every breakup.
In the next few pages, Im going to explain to you the 5 different

breakup types. With this information, you can understand what youre
going through better so that you will be better equipped to get your ex
back by addressing the specic things you need to in order to save
your relationship based on your breakup type.
Plus, Im going to tell you why your relationship failed for each
breakup type, and the steps you need to take to heal the rift.
Ill also be sharing real case studies with you and explaining why each
of the people in the case study was able to succeed as saving their
relationship.
Now, it might be obvious to some people why their relationship didnt

work out. But for others, it might not be so clear.
Sometimes you can see a breakup coming from a mile away. You
know youve been having relationship problems, and you may have
felt like you were just waiting for the penny to drop.
Other times, a breakup can come out of the blue. You come home
from work to nd that your partner is gone along with all of their
possessions. No explanation or anything.
As you read through this book, understand that there may be some
overlap between the different breakup types for you and your
situation. Thats completely normal. Even as you read the case
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studies, you may notice that many of them could actually bridge a few
different types.
Thats okay. Most things in life arent black-and-white, and chances

are, you breakup isnt either.
Thats why Im going to encourage you to read the entire book even if
it doesnt seem like a certain type applies to you and your
relationship.
Youll learn a lot either way.
I also want to make sure that you to read the nal chapter Next
Steps for Getting Your Ex Back. This will help you tie everything
together. Plus, youll get specic action steps to get more help saving
your relationship from us.
Okay, so lets get into this.
The 5 Breakup Types are:
The Rebound
The Toxic Blowup
The Static Cling
The Blindside Breakup
The Relationship Fizzle
Now, like I said earlier, Id recommend that you read the chapters on
each of these, even if it doesnt seem that a certain Breakup Type
applies to you. You can probably learn something from all of them.
Plus, I will often reference points I made in other chapters to avoid
being overly redundant.
So, without further ado, lets start looking at each of these types in
detail.
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Breakup Type 1: The Rebound
One of the most painful breakups of all time is when you nd out that
your partner left you to be with someone else. This is the Rebound
Breakup. Whether there was indelity involved or not, the emotions of
feeling that someone was betraying your love is excruciating.
You lay awake at night, thinking about your ex having an intimate

moment with someone else, calling that new person the pet names
that they use to call youit hurts.
If its any comfort to you, I want you to know that Ive been there.
Every time my ex left me in the past it was to be with another guy.

Whether it was a guy she had a crush on and was just innocently
hanging out with him or a guy she decided to at-out cheat on me
with, Ive been there myself.
Thankfully, I understand relationships a lot better now.
So whats going on here?
Well, when someone leaves you for someone else, it indicates that
there were deeper problems in the relationship before things really
fell apart.
If someone is truly 100% satised with their relationship and in love

with you, then there is no one that can pull them away from that
relationship.
It just cant be done.
Heres what usually happens when you get left for someone else:

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It starts when the relationship isnt getting all of your partners needs
met. It could be anything. Maybe they dont feel emotionally connected
to you; maybe they dont feel like you respect them. It could be
anything.
But theres a hole somewhere.
And your partner doesnt leave the relationship. This could also be for
any number of reasons. Maybe they dont feel condent in being
single; maybe they want to try to work things out with you; maybe they
just dont even realize how dissatised they are.
So they decide to stick it out.
But then, someone else comes along. This new person brings a
different energy to your partner. They offer them something that is
missing in their relationship with you.
Maybe your partner doesnt even realize whats happening at rst. It

could start as a simple friendship.
Then it develops into a crush. Your partner thinks its no big deal
because theyre not going to act on their feelings and besides it just
feels so good to interact with this other person that they cant say no.
Then it becomes an emotional affair. Your partner starts becoming

more emotionally intimate with this person. They share things with
them that they wont share with you. They start keeping secrets. The
sexual tension between them builds. Theres still that voice in the back
of their head saying that this is all just fun and that there isnt anything
serious going on.
Then, one day, something happens. Someone lets their feelings slip
over a happy hour cocktail. An accidental caress. A kiss. Once one
person steps over the line, theres no going back. Thats when things
get physical and things get serious.
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And thats also usually when they leave you for the other person. The
feelings are clear and they no longer feel that they need to hide them
or hold on to you any longer.
Being with them feels so good because it satises a need that they
couldnt get met from the relationship with you, that they can hardly
control their feelings.
It hurts. Im sorry that youre going through this.
Like I told you earlier, I know how painful this can be. I just need you
to understand exactly how these things usually unfold so you can
better approach the situation.
The Solution to the Rebound Breakup:

So heres what you need to do to get your ex back from someone
else:
First, you need to look at your relationship and why it didnt work.
For me, in the past with my ex, it was because I was emotionally
unavailable. I wont go into it right now, but based on the way I was
raised, I didnt really have much access to my feelings until I was in
my mid-twenties.
Chances are you already know why your relationship didnt work.
However, if you cant seem to gure it out, that should be your number
one priority. You can probably go off of what your ex told you when the
two of you broke up. You may need to read between the lines a bit
(read over the other breakup types in this book), but your ex will
probably try to vocalize why they left you using the best words they
have to describe what they are experiencing.

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Keep in mind that what they tell you may not be what ACTUALLY
happened. Again, they are just using the best words that they have to
describe it at the time. You may need to feel into the situation a bit to
know what the real cause was.
Next, you need to master the relational skills you need to overcome
this problem.
For example, if you were emotionally unavailable, like I was, you

should start by getting in touch with your emotions more.
If your ex didnt feel respected, then you need to learn ways of

showing your appreciations and gratitude more.
I know were skimming over the surface here. Well get into HOW to
do this later. Right now, I just want you to get the broad strokes
solution in your mind.
Then the third thing you need to do is to demonstrate this change to

your ex.
And that is is.
Now you might be thinking: What about the other person?
This is a common concern that people have when their ex left them for
someone else. However, your focus should NOT be on the other
person.
As I will explain to you, they really shouldnt concern you at all.
And heres why:
Theres a book called Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Its a very

interesting book about human psychology and behavior. In the very
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rst chapter he explains an interesting test he did involving sales of
The Economist.
(Try not to zone out here, this will all make sense in a moment)
When someone was getting a subscription to The Economist online,

they were given 3 options.
An online only subscription for $59

A print only subscription for $125
A print and online subscription for $125
He tested some students and found that the print only subscription
was a decoy option used to increase sales of the print and online
option.
When testing his students he found these results:
16% of students chose the online only option for $59

0% of students chose the print only option for $125 [The
Decoy]
84% of students chose the print and online option for $125
When he removed the print only decoy option and tested again this
is what he found:
68% of students chose the online only option for $59

32% of students chose the print and online option for $125
The print only option was a decoy option. It didnt exist to get people
to actually buy it. It exists to get people to buy the print and online
option.
This happens because people have a difcult time comparing very

different things to one another. However, people are good at
comparing similar things.
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Is the online only subscription a better deal? Is the print and online
subscription better?
Its hard to tell.
But one thing is clear: The print and online subscription for $125 is
denitely better than the print only subscription for $125.
Heres how this relates to you and your ex:
Ariely went on to observe this same effect in a variety of other social

settings including how we judge if we want someone as a partner or
not.
I wont explain the whole chapter here, but the same decoy effect is
why you dont need to worry about the other person your ex is seeing.
Essentially this is the set of options your ex is being presented with:
Their new partner

The version of you they broke up with [the decoy]
The version of you that feels good to be around (because
youve mastered a new set of advanced relational skills)
Is the new you better than their new partner? Is their new partner
better than you?
Its hard to evaluate.
But one thing is clear: The new you is denitely better than the old you
[the decoy].
And just like like how the people in the test group chose the print and
online subscription over the online only subscription because of the
presence of the decoy print only option
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The odds are in your favor that your ex will likely choose the new you
over their new partner because of their memory of the old you they
broke up with.
Its an effect that Ive observed in breakups and getting back together
many times.
The key then is to make a new you that your ex feels good being
around. And the best way to do that, in my opinion, is to master a new
set of relational skills. More on that later
Case Study: Evan
Evan is a high-achieving entrepreneur and he was dating a model (!)

for ve years. Evan was under a lot of stress from his business and
this made him into a bit of an emotionally unavailable workaholic.
Seemingly out of the blue, his girlfriend left him for a co-worker. She
said that Evan was always working and wasnt emotionally there for
her. Her co-worker, on the other hand, wasnt successful the way Evan
was, but he was emotionally available.
This whole ordeal devastated Evan. He ended up doing a lot of

personal work on himself. He did a Vipassana meditation retreat, read
a ton of books, and signing up to work with Mika (my wife) and I.
Through our time working with Evan, we saw him truly transform. Over
a few short weeks, that crunchy emotionally unavailable shell started
to crumble, and we soon found a caring and gentle man on the other
side.
Additionally, Even cut back on the hours he worked on his business,

using productivity principles to focus on the most important tasks each
day.

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Once he was armed with some of the advanced relational skills we
taught him, Even got back in contact with his ex. After trading some
text messages and meeting in person a few times, his ex did what
seemed unbelievable a few short months earlier
She left her new boyfriend.
This was the decoy effect at work here. To his ex, the new Evan was
much better than the old Evan. The old Evan was the decoy that that
got her to choose to be with Evan over the other guy.
Now, at this point, Evan insisted that they spend some time getting to
know each other again and taking things slowly before they get back
together. After all, he didnt want to rush things and risk falling back
into old habits.
And things continued to go well between the two of them. Then one
day, Evan got a text message from her at-out asking him: Can we
get back together again?
Right now they are taking things slow and feeling out where things will
go. I dont know what the future has in store for them, but Evan was
able to recover from the Rebound Breakup by focusing on improving
his relational skills and leveraging the decoy effect.
Why What Evan Did Worked:
Evans ex wanted to get back together with him because he was able
to overcome the image she had of him in her mind the person that
she left when she broke up with him in the rst place.
He was able to replace that image with a new version of Evan. He still
had all of the qualities that she liked in him from the beginning. The
only difference was that he was no longer emotionally unavailable. He
directly overcame the main objection she had for not wanting to be
with him.
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He was able to do this by learning new skills that allowed him to relate
with his ex in a new way that allowed him to connect emotionally with
her.
And when that happened. All that was left was the inevitable outcome:
she wanted to be with him again.
Why?
Because interacting with him felt good instead of bad.
The other guy wasnt even a consideration because of the decoy

effect that we talked about earlier.
Would this strategy have worked if Evan hadnt taken the time to
change and learn the advanced relational skills we taught him?
I cant say, but I do feel comfortable saying that odds were a lot better
because he put in the time to focus on learning these skills and
focusing on having positive interactions with his ex.

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Breakup Type 2: The Toxic Blowup
Things seemed to be going ne, until tensions got heated. Someone

said something, or something got out of hand.
Thats when the breakup ofcially happens.
Someone gets mad. Things escalated. And someone went over the
line and pushed the eject button.
Thats the Toxic Blowup Breakup.
Believe it or not, your nal ght was not what caused the demise of
your relationship. Chances are good that your relationship was in
some trouble before that last big ght or dramatic event.
If you really think about it, you can probably pinpoint a few problems
that you had in your relationship beforehand. Maybe you didnt realize
that they were a very big deal, but you can probably think of a few
problems in your relationship.
Those problems are likely the actual cause of the breakup.
The truth is that the argument or event where your ex actually broke
up with you was merely the moment when the nal straw broke the
camels back.
Your ex didnt really break up with you because you forgot to do the
dishes, because you were a few minutes late to meet them, or
because of any other little thing that happened between the two of
you.
Instead, those events were just the innocent bystanders that pushed
your ex over the edge and opened the oodgates that brought on the
breakup.
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The actual cause of your breakup lies much deeper than what it may
seem on the surface.
The Solution to the Toxic Blowup
Since the cause of the breakup is deeper than the individual ght or
event that happened right before the breakup, we need to look deeper.
Like I mentioned earlier, there were probably problems in your

relationship beforehand.
Its likely that the breakup was triggered by those problems.
Oftentimes, Ive found that these problems are a chronic issue in the
relationship, slowly grating away at it.
The solution, then, is to address the chronic problem in the

relationship directly, whether that was a lack of trust, insecurity, or
anything else.
When the chronic problem is eliminated, and your ex can see that
things are going to be different, then the possibility of getting back
together increases signicantly.
The key point there is that your ex needs to really see that things are
going to be different.
Its not enough to just tell them that things are different. You need to
be able to demonstrate this through your actions on a consistent
basis.
After all, as one of my favorite Romans, Seneca, said: Men put more
faith in their eyes than in their ears.

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He is essentially saying that people need to see things for themselves
in order to believe them, not just hear talk about them. And the same
is true when it comes to showing your ex that youve changed.
You have to show your ex youve changed, not just tell them youve
changed.
When you do this, your ex will start to realize that they wont just be
walking back into the same relationship they left in the rst place.
So, what steps can you take to show your ex that things are going to
be different?
Well, it really depends on the chronic issue that slowly eroded your
relationship. However, most relationship problems come from:
A lack of understanding, or
A lack of communicating our feelings and intentions
The best way to overcome this sort of problem is to develop a new set
of advanced relational skills. These skills are intended to help
communicate your feelings and intentions with your ex better so that
there will be fewer misunderstandings between the two of you.
Once you can do this, its not uncommon for people to soon see that
the differences they thought were there between them are actually
similarities. Both people just want to feel loved and accepted for who
they are.
Let me demonstrate this with a client named Stephen.
Case Study: Stephen
When we rst met Stephen, he had recently gone through a breakup

with his long distance girlfriend.

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She broke up with him after he left a jealous comment on her
Facebook wall. Things got heated over the comment, and before
Stephen knew it, she had broken up with him.
Of course the real cause of the breakup wasnt because he left a

comment on her Facebook wall. The problem ran much deeper.
Stephens girlfriend had always feared abandonment. She had a

difcult family situation growing up. She had been taken advantage of
by her rst husband. She was afraid that the men in her life would
never want to commit to her.
And because she and Stephen were in a long distance relationship,

she was afraid that he wasnt serious about their relationship either.
She feared that Stephen was just stringing her along and no intention
of living together with her or committing to her in the future.
It was really this that caused the breakup. The Facebook incident was
just the excuse that made it happen.
With our help, Stephen was able to show his ex that he was in fact
very committed to her, even when things seemed impossible for him.
Shortly after breaking up with him, his ex girlfriend got together with
another man. Of course this was a painful blow to Stephen.
However, through his actions, he was able to show his ex that he was
100% committed to her. We worked with Stephen to teach him new
skills to express how he felt clearly to her and what he wanted himself
out of the relationship (truth be told, he really wanted to settle down
with his ex).
Then during a trip to her part of the world, he met up with her. He was
able to show her how committed he was by befriending her family,
sharing his feelings (in an appropriate way) with her, and painting a
picture of a future they could share together.
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These were all things that the other guy his ex was seeing wasnt
doing at all (See the previous chapter on the Rebound Breakup and
the decoy effect).
And it became clear to Stephens ex that Stephen really was the

committed man she wanted.
The two of them got back together, and as of the last time we spoke to
him, they were making plans to move in together and get married in
the near future.
Why What Stephen Did Worked
Stephens approach worked because he was willing to directly

address the reason why his ex left him: she didnt believe that he was
committed to her.
It didnt matter that the breakup was initiated by a frivolous spat based
on a Facebook post. Stephen was able to see beyond that and
understand why the breakup really happened.
Once he understood, he moved on to show his ex that he really is the

committed man she wanted.
This was initially very difcult since his ex got into a rebound
relationship with someone else shortly after the breakup. She insisted
that they were happy together and that Stephen should give up.
Stephens persistence was one of his consistent behaviors that

showed his ex how committed he truly was.
When his ex compared her new boyfriend to Stephen it was clear

Stephen was the winner.
Stephen came to visit her, while her new boyfriend didnt.

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Stephen took the time to get to know her family while her new
boyfriend didnt.
Stephen painted a picture of a life together with her, while her new
boyfriend didnt.
And the most important thing was that Stephen was 100% transparent
and open about his feelings and emotions the entire time based on his
application of the advanced relational skills we taught him.
Every step of the way, Stephen demonstrated how committed he was

to this woman and the relationship.
He didnt just talk about being committed, he showed her with clear
and unmistakeable actions that he wanted the same things that she
did: commitment.
Its no wonder that the two of them got back together. And its no
wonder that Stephen is following through on that commitment by
getting married to the woman he used to call his ex in the near future.
I also want to express how Stephen was able to do this even though
he was in a long distance relationship. Ive seen many people over the
years express a feeling of helplessness because of the distance
between them and their ex. Stephen didnt let that hold him back. He
still showed commitment and persistence despite being thousands of
miles away.

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Breakup Type 3: The Static Cling
If your ex told you that you were too clingy or too needy when they
broke up with you, this chapter will help shed some light on what is
really going on, and what you can do to start healing the rift between
the two of you.##
Youre going through the Static Cling Breakup.
These kinds of breakups are absolutely crushing because of all the

energy that person put into the relationship to make it work.
Most people dont realize that theyre being too clingy until the
damage has been done.
Here are a few characteristics of a clingy partner.
They constantly fear that their partner will leave them.

They want their partner to spend all of their free time with
them.
They get upset when their partner talks to the opposite sex.
They get upset when their partner makes plans without them.
They cancel plans to hang out with their own friends so that
they can be with their partner.
Whether or not the qualities above t you, youre probably still crushed
by the breakup. And you cant helot but wonder how did I get here?
Well, when someone unknowingly becomes too clingy, whats

essentially happening is that theyre putting all of their emotional well-
being on their partner.
Instead of having several outlets for happiness, like hanging out with
friends and family, doing their hobbies and passions, their main source
of happiness comes from being with partner.
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There is nothing wrong with enjoying spending time with the

person#you love, but when you start to view your relationship as your
WHOLE life, it does puts a lot of pressure on your partner to ll a void
that frankly, only you can ll.
(This is what psychologists call a fused or an enmeshed

relationship. Despite how romantic it may seem, it is denitely not
healthy.)
Heres how the timeline usually plays out (Warning: Bad graphics
ahead)
1.) When you rst get together with someone, you are (hopefully) a
complete and independent person on your own.

2.) You have your own interests and things that you enjoy doing.
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3.) Then one day, you meet someone new.
You like how he plays the guitar and kicks a soccer ball around with
his friends on the weekend.
He likes how you love to knit and study French in your spare time.

4.) All goes great. You meet, the sparks y. One date turns into two,
then three. And before you know it youre giving up little bits and
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pieces of what you used to do for the sake of spending more time with
each other.
5.) Your weekly Francophone meet up gets put on the sidelines and
his jam sessions get put on hold for the sake of movie night and
spending time together.

Thats totally normal in moderation, but if this becomes a recurring
pattern, then these parts of your life# start to disappear and leave an
empty void.
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6.) Then the obvious thing to ll that void with is the relationship and
each other.
Then suddenly, you nd yourself in a fused relationship.

And if your partner is off on a business trip or isnt around for one
reason or another, you just dont feel complete.
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This is where the whole clingy thing comes from.
To your partner, this feels suffocating. To them, it almost feels like

youre not really having a relationship with THEM anymore at all, but
rather the IDEA of them.
They feel as if you no longer really see them as the person that they
are. Instead, they feel more like just a means to an end. Someone to
give love or affection to you. Someone to keep you from being lonely.
Someone to help with chores or go to family or work events with you.
And they start to see you as a bottomless pit of needs and demands
that continues to pull energy away from them.
That may sound harsh, but I can tell you from personal experience
from dating a needy person in the past, that is exactly what it feels
like. It isnt a good feeling at all.
Your ex probably feels more like a means to an end than a full-eshed

person.

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When you think about it that way, its really no wonder that your
relationship is in trouble.
The Solution to the Static Cling Breakup:
Okay, so now that weve gotten to the root of the problem, what can
you do to x the situation?
The solution is going to come in two ways.
Firstly, the problem comes from a very subtle objectication of your

ex. I dont mean this in a dont-treat-women-like-objects sort of way,
but rather in a more subtle way.
When was the last time you acknowledged that your ex had a rough
day at work? When was the last time you listened to them about what
they were afraid or anxious about? When was the last time you had a
conversation with them about what they dream about for the future?
Or are they just an actor playing a role in your life, whether that be
boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, or anything else? Are they just there to
live up to your expectations about what they should be?
My boyfriend should always tell me that I love me.

My wife should want to have sex at least three times a week.
My partner should always be emotionally there for me.
Its ne to want those things. However, theres something huge lacking

in those statements: the other person.
What if your boyfriend doesnt tell you he loves you all the time
because hes afraid to open up and express his feelings due to a
rough childhood?
What if your wife doesnt want to have sex at least three times a week
because shes depressed and feels deeply unfullled in her career?
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What if your partner isnt emotionally there for you because he just
found out that his father died?
Its important to remember that your ex is a full human being who is

having their own experience in life just the way you are. They have
rough days. They cry. They laugh. They stay up at night with problems
too.
Instead of trying to force them into a label of boyfriend or girlfriend

or spouse or anything else, youll have much better results if you can
remind yourself that they are human just like you.
The second part of the solution is to nd those places in yourself

where you try to get your ex to ll a role in your life, and to ask
yourself what thats trying to compensate for.
For example, if you think your partner should always be there to give
you affection (and that kind of neediness pushed your partner away),
its time to ask yourself how you can ll yourself up emotionally so that
you dont NEED affection from your partner or anyone else in order to
feel okay.
This is done by turning your focus inward and noticing the parts of
yourself that do not feel whole. These are those places where you
look to your partner or someone else to ll you up.
When you can shore up these areas, youll have truly eliminated the
neediness issue for good.
This is something a little more complicated that is specic to each

individual person, and cannot be directly addressed in a book like this.
However, this is something that I can help you with working with you
one-on-one or in one of our Ex Solution Program Online Support
Community Mentorship Q&A sessions.

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But either way, the one thing I CAN directly tell you to do is to start
seeing your ex as an individual person with their own fears, hopes,
dreams, and nightmares, rather than someone just lling a role in your
life.
When you can do that, youll discover that you can open new
pathways of connection between you and your ex that may have
seemed impossible before.
In fact learning the advanced relational skills we teach will show you
how to access deeper levels of connection with your ex where you can
really get what its like to be them.
When this happens, they feel seen and heard for the person they are.
In this world, its so rare to nd someone who really understands us. It

feels good to have that kind of connection with someone that its
almost a given that we want to be in a relationship with someone like
that.
Case Study: Gareth
When we rst spoke with Gareth, it had been over a year since his ex
had left him. He admitted that she left him due to his clingy behavior.
She had a very stressful job and when she came home, the last thing
she wanted to deal with was his neediness.
Then, one day, Gareth came home and she wasnt there. While he
was away at work, his ex had taken all of her belongings and
disappeared (see the Blindside Breakup chapter).
Of course, when the shock and confusion subsided, Gareth was left in
a lot of pain.
Gareth tried unsuccessfully to get back together with his ex for over a
year before he started working with my wife Mika and I.
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As we got to know Gareth, we helped him with his neediness issues.

Instead of learning secret text messages to send his ex (which he
tried and backred terribly, by the way), we directly helped Gareth
overcome the one main reason why his ex left himneediness and
insecurity.
We helped Gareth enrich his own life and overcome the causes of his
neediness and clingy behavior. We also helped him understand and
tap into what it is like to be his ex, with her stressful job and the
lifestyle it demands of her.
Then, one day while he was at work, his ex stopped by for some
unrelated business. He approached her to catch up.
The contrast was night and day. Instead of coming across as needy
and insecure, Gareth was grounded and didnt need anything from his
ex. More importantly, he was able to stay focused on his exs
experience of the world and anticipate what she was thinking and
what she wanted.
(She later confessed to him that this was the main turning point when
she started to warm up to him again.)
Over the next few weeks, they began seeing each other again. Gareth
could tell there were moments when his ex was testing to see if his
transformation was real or just an act. Fortunately for him, it wasnt
just a gimmick or some kind of fake it till you make it mental pep talk.
Gareth had truly lled in that hole in the circle diagram above. Plus,
his new way of relating to the world was hardwired into him because
he had practiced the advanced relating skills we gave him.
This wasnt going to be the same old game

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When his ex returned from a family trip out of the country, they were
solidly and ofcially back together. She told him that it felt like she
could breathe easier around him, and that she felt a more spacious
presence to him.
He wasnt the clingy man that he was before. Because of that, his ex
was no longer repelled, but drawn to him instead.
He gave her all the space she needed to feel 100% herself. And
because of that their relationship is much stronger.
The last time we spoke with Gareth, him and his ex were happy and
planning on moving together to a seaside town where Gareth could
pursue his dream of becoming a kite board instructor.
Why What Gareth Did Worked:
Gareth was able to get back together with his ex for one simple
reason: he made real and tangible changes in himself.
When you read advice online about making changes and getting your
ex back, its often about supercial things like learning Spanish or
joining a soccer team.
Would that advice have helped Gareth? Probably not.
Gareth was being held back from getting back together with his ex
because of neediness not because of a lack of hobbies or a lack of
linguistic ability.
Theres a big difference between the conventional advice of keeping

busy or doing new things and what actually works. Namely,
directly eliminating the primary reason your ex left you.
Gareth took action to do this by using exercises we gave him to feel

completely okay with himself instead of looking to his ex for security or
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reassurance. He also used some of the advanced relating skills we
taught him to connect with his ex in a profound way that inspired more
connection. But the foundation was based on seeing his ex as a full
and complete person, not as someone lling a role in his life.
When this shift happened, Gareth went from the needy and insecure
man that his ex left, and he became a grounded and centered man
that she couldnt resist.
That is to say, once the emotional block was removed, Gareth and his
ex getting back together really was almost automatic.
Because Gareth was willing to make the changes to better himself and
to feel whole in his own life independent of his ex, he now gets to
share his life with her, and the both of them are much happier because
of it.

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Breakup Type 4: The Blindside
When youre surprised by a breakup, it can truly damage your self-

esteem and your ability to trust.
This is the Blindside Breakup.
Often times, this happens when your partner has been unhappy in the
relationship for a while, but kept their feelingsor at least the severity
of their feelingsto themselves.
Things slowly build. The problem gets worse and worse. Resentment
boils under the surface.
And then Thats when the breakup happens.
When your partner becomes so convinced that things will never

change, or their resentment grows out of control.
Sometimes, people will even quietly keep their intentions to break up

to themselves until theyve fully planned their escape from the
relationship.
They may have the apartment lease signed. They may have found the
new boyfriend / girlfriend. Theyve taken the time to secretly build a
new life to step in to once they nally pull the plug on the old
relationship.
This can be especially painful. You may come home, like one of our
clients, Gareth from the last chapter, only to discover that every trace
of your partner has vanished while you were away at work.
The feeling of shock can overwhelm you.
A day or even a few hours ago, things seemed so well.

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Was your partner secretly planning this? Did they have a sudden
change of heart? Was your whole relationship a lie?
What can sting the most are all the unanswered questions that haunt
you once the shock starts to loosen its hold on you.
The Solution to the Blindside Breakup:
When it comes to recovering from a Blindside Breakup, you really

need to understand why the relationship didnt work out in the rst
place. In some ways, this is very similar to the Toxic Blowup
Breakup we discussed in an earlier chapter.
This can be a difcult thing to gure out sometimes. Especially if your

partner isnt open to talking to you, and, from your perspective, the
breakup truly did come out of nowhere.
Sometimes, you might know exactly what wasnt working in the

relationship. If thats the case, then you may already know why your
partner left you Maybe you just didnt realize it had become that big
of a problem.
However, if you do not know why your partner left you, its important
that you get to the bottom of the situation.
As, well discuss in the case study shortly, the cause may not even be
anything to do with you.
But before you can start to heal the rift, you need to rst understand
what wasnt working in the relationship.
Chances are you know that there were problems in your relationship.
Maybe you didnt know they were as big of a deal to your partner, but
chances are you already have a fair bit of insight into why the
relationship didnt work out.
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Once you know what caused the breakup, you need to directly
address it.
If the problem was because of something you have control over, then
youre going to have demonstrate this change to your ex.
(See, the chapter on the Toxic Blowup Breakup. For the sake of not
being redundant, I wont go too much into that here.)
If the problem is something outside of your control Perhaps

something to do with your ex rather than you, your best course of
action is to be understanding and available for your ex so that they
have the opportunity to feel supported by you.
The best way to demonstrate this is with a case study from a woman
named Taylor
Case Study: Taylor
Back when my wife Mika and I were rst getting started helping people
with relationships, we had something that hit pretty close to home.
Our friend, Taylor was in a relationship. She had been having some
problems with her boyfriend. He was feeling frustrated and suffocated
by the relationship. He wasnt getting the physical intimacy that he
wanted from Taylor and his general frustration with life was mounting
quickly (he felt like he had little control over his weight, his career, or
his efforts to become a musician).
This had been a chronic problem in their relationship, but it didnt start
to escalate until her boyfriend turned 30 and started to feel a growing
urge to make changes in his life.
One night, Taylor and her boyfriend were enjoying a warm evening
together. They made dinner and felt emotionally close to one another.
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Thats when he told her, This feels nice. I think you and I are going to
be ne together.
Taylor went to bed that night feeling relaxed and with a sense of relief.
The next day, when Taylor came home from work, should couldnt
believe what happened.
Her boyfriend was there with all of his bags packed, and he told her
that he was breaking up with her and moving out.
Thats when Taylor called us. I can still remember how shaky her voice
sounded between sobs as she choked out He just left me.
Shortly after, her ex found a new place to live. Taylor, unable to afford
the rent on their apartment on her own, had to move back in with her
parents.
It seemed like her entire life was unraveling before her eyes.
Taylor wanted to get back together with her ex, so we showed her how
to really empathize with him and his frustrations in life.
By using the advanced relational skills we gave her, Taylor was able to
show her ex that she was 100% there to support him as he gured life
out.
This shifted the way that he saw Taylor. Instead of being another thing
that frustrated him, he started to see her as someone who was
fundamentally on his side and there to help him through all the
challenges of life.
Through using the relational skills, Taylor was able to show her ex that
life was better for him with her in it than without her.

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When that happened, the choice to get back together was obvious to
him.
This all happened several years ago, and Taylor and her then-ex are
now back together and married.
Why What Taylor Did Worked:
Taylor was able to save her relationship because she focused on

creating positive interactions with her ex.
By using the relating skills we gave her she was able to dial into the
moment and feel what would feel good to her ex.
The true value in the relating skills we teach is that they focus on
creating positive interactions that feel good.
When interactions feel good, its difcult to resist the urge to spend
more time together and to get back into a relationship together.
These skills involve cultivating a deeper empathy that allowed Taylors

ex to really get that she was there to help him through the challenges
of life.
As a result of this, she became an oasis in the desert of an otherwise

frustrating and disappointing life for her ex. Is it any wonder that he
ended up getting back together with her? Who wouldnt want to share
their life with someone who really understood your challenges and
was supportive every step of the way?
Its one thing to talk about being supportive, but to actually have the
skills to SHOW your ex that youre going to be there for them and that
you really understand what its like to be them, is a whole other story.

of 39 49
Breakup Type 5: The Relationship Fizzle
The Relationship Fizzle is what happens when your relationship

slowly dims over time and eventually leads to a breakup.
Often you may here things like:
I just dont feel it anymore.

Im bored in this relationship.
I think were just better friends than lovers.
It can be painful to hear someone you love say these things,

especially when you still have very strong feelings for them, but dont
worry. Im going to explain to you exactly whats going on with your
relationship and how you can x it.
The Relationship Fizzle Breakup is actually a little bit sneaky

because its so hard to spot it until its too late.
Most of the time your partner will complain about an issue or there will
be lots of ghting or arguing.
But with the Relationship Fizzle, it seems to come out of nowhere.

Youre just living a nice peaceful life together and then you get
caught off guard by one of those we need to talk moments.
So whats going on here?
First of all I want to directly address something: The problem is NOT

an attraction problem.
And you denitely have NOT been put in the friend zone.
I know it probably SEEMS that way based on what your ex said to

you, but its not that way at all, as Ill explain in a moment.

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This whole attraction problem or friend zone issue actually drive
people to focus on the wrong things when they are trying to get their
ex back.
They spend time trying to play hard to get or become more of an

alpha male in the hopes getting out of the friend zone or re-
attracting their ex.
But heres a big secret: Your ex ALREADY nds you attractive.
If they didnt, the two of you would have never ended up in a

relationship together in the rst place.
Trying to re-attract your ex is like trying to make the sun rise in the
morning. It doesnt matter how hard you try or dont try, the sun is still
going to come up in the morning. You could be up before dawn trying
to make it happen, or you could be sleeping in till noon. The sun is still
coming up.
Its the same way with trying to re-attract your ex.
Let me explain
Sure, your ex may have said that they arent attracted to you anymore.
They may have said that they see you as more of a friend than a lover.
They may have said that the feeling just zzled out.
Those are just the best words that they can come up with to describe
what they are experiencing.
And Im sure to them it genuinely feels that way.
But heres whats really going on.
Your ex already nds you attractive. If youve been in other

relationships before you and your ex got together, you probably know
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this is true. You can think back to any of your exes, and despite
whatever you may have been through, theres still a tiny nugget
somewhere that says, I still do nd them attractive the way I
remember them.
And thats because once two people become attracted to one another,
it is very difcult to break that bondbarring any massive
disgurations or psychotic personality breaks.
And this means that your ex still has a strong feeling of attraction
toward you, the same way that you feel that way toward them.
Right about now, you might be thinking, Okay so if my ex still is

attracted to me, then whats going on here?
And the answer is that the attraction they feel for you is being blocked
by negative experiences and emotions between the two of you.
Its like when a kitchen sink gets clogged.
Normally, when you turn on the water, it ows out of the faucet and
down the drain, right?
You can think of that like when the attraction gets sparked in your
relationship. Thats the rst date when you two were laughing and
smiling, and you knew that this was someone you liked.
But over time, negative experiences and emotions between the two of
you start to clog the sink.
And when the sink is clogged, the water backs up and your whole
kitchen oods.
So, the solution isnt to dget around with the knobs, turning up the
attraction. That will only make your sink ood faster and leave you
with a bigger mess to clean up.
of 42 49
The solution is to simply unclog the sink so that the water will do what
its supposed to do and go down the drain.
When too many negative experiences and emotions get in the way of
attraction in a relationship, the solution isnt to increase attraction. Just
like with the sink, all you have to do is unclog the negative
experiences and emotions and the attraction will do what it
automatically and naturally doesbring the two of you back together
again.
I hope that makes sense to you.
The sooner you can stop focusing on attraction and the friend
zone, the more time you can spend focusing on what actually
matters and the faster you can actually get back together with your
ex.
How to Overcome the Relationship Fizzle
Okay, so what do you do to save your relationship if your breakup type

is the Relationship Fizzle?
Well, it comes down to having the right relational skills to make it

happen.
Whats going on is that, at some point in your relationship, the two of

you stopped exploring one another. You just took it for granted that
you already knew everything there was to know about one another.
Hes boring. He always does the same thing after work.

She can never control her spending.
All you care about is work and money.

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These are small little decisions that we make about our partners that
actually can add up and destroy a relationship.
The key word there is decision. We are deciding that we know

something about someone else, and we cut off the possibility of
discovering something new about them.
Instead of understanding why our partner only cares about work, we

just decide that theyre a workaholic. End of story.
Never mind the fact that they may be trying to compensate for growing
up in a poor family during their childhood. Never mind the fact that
they think that the best way they can show their love for you is to
provide you with the nancial stability that they never had as a child.
Never mind that they just want to give you all the experiences and
toys that you want in life.
Theyre just a workaholic.
And as we continue to make these decisions about our partner, we

slowly box them into a caricature of who they really are.
We no longer REALLY know them; we only know the decisions we

made about them whether or not those are true (currently or in the
past) or even accurate about who they really are.
When was the last time you really checked in with your partner about
how their day was?
Im not just talking about the usual How was your day? It was ne
type conversations that people have over the dinner table that they
squeeze in between mouthfuls of pasta.
Im talking about a deep and meaningful conversation about what its

actually like to live a day in each others life. What its like to feel
of 44 49
afraid. What its like to feel hope. What its like to feel frustrated. What
its like to feel joy.
When was the last time you had one of those conversations?
Im guessing its probably been awhile.
When I was in high school, I picked up a book called The Wind-Up

Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. It was the rst book I ever read
by him, and he has since become my favorite author.
Anyway, in that book, there is a passage that describes what its like to
know someone else. He says that knowing someone else is like
looking through a very dark room lled with objects, and all you have
to see anything is a dim candle. You can shine the candle on one
corner and see whats there. But in order to see anything else, you
have to turn away from that corner to illuminate a different spot,
leaving the original corner swallowed by darkness. And when you turn
away, things shift and change and move in that darkness.
Often we forget that, and we expect the corners we looked at once to

remain the same. But that rarely happens.
People change, and the things we think we know about them arent
static or necessarily even the full story in the rst place.
When was the last time your partner cried? Laughed? Smiled? Felt
afraid? Was excited to wake up in the morning?
I dont care if you think your partner is the most stone cold, unfeeling
person in the world, if you cant answer those questions, then you
dont really know them as well as you think you do.
So how do you get to know them at a deeper level? How do you

access that deeper level of communication and cut through any
emotional walls that they may have put up?
of 45 49
It comes down to learning advanced relational skills that will help you
break through the barriers that keep you apart and tap into those deep
emotional moments where the two of you can really share, bond, and
learn about one another.
Dangerously Personal Case Study: Me (Clay)
Back when I was in school, I got a special opportunity to study for a

term in Rome, Italy. Believe it or not, I was actually reluctant to go.
Earlier that year, my then-girlfriend and I broke up. Through mere

chance, we were able to get back together, and I didnt want to risk
losing her again.
But we both agreed that I should take advantage of this opportunity

and go to Rome. It was only for 3 months anyway.
I took extra special care to let her know how much I cared. I called, I
wrote letters and post cards, I sent her gifts, and arranged for special
surprises back home.
But over the course of time, we did start to drift apart. We fell into our
roles. I was always out doing things and exploring Italy. She was
working and going to school back home.
We had stopped sharing moments together and we started labeling

one another.
And thats when she left me. Not just that though, but she left me for
someone else.
I remember how I felt completely helpless. Not only did I not know
what to do, but I was also literally thousands of miles away.
Well, we did eventually get back together, and heres how.

of 46 49
After I got back home when my time in Rome was over, I struggled. I
did all the usual things that Im sure youve already done. I probably
dont need to go into all that.
When things started to change between us is when I started to regain

that sense of curiosity and re-discover of her.
And she started to do the same with me.
It took a little bit of time, but instead of just falling into our old roles
again, we learned to see each as full and unique human beings again.
And when this happened we started to have great experiences

together.
I met up with her for coffee. We were both nervous about how it was
going to go. Instead, things went well, and it ended with one of those
long, drawn out moments, where neither one of us wanted to say
goodbye.
And those became a regular occurrence for us.
And that is what eventually brought us back together again.
Today, we arent together any longer. Its a long story, but essentially
we wanted different things in life. But I am honored to have known her
and to have learned the valuable lessons from that experience.
Why It Worked:
I was able to get back together with my ex because I was able to

break free from the image of the woman I thought she was and she
was able to see me as a different person than the man she thought I
was (see the description of the decoy effect in the Rebound
Breakup chapter).
of 47 49
We then went on to rediscover who we were. At the time I was

unknowingly discovering the relational skills that I teach our clients
every day.
Of course things took a while, because I didnt have anything to go off

of. I just had to invent most of this myself.
But looking back, when the dynamic changed between us, thats when
things started to heal. And the most effective way to change the
dynamic between you and your ex is to acquire a new set of skills
designed to change the emotional tone and connection between you
and your ex.

of 48 49
Next Steps for Getting Your Ex Back:
There are a lot of different roads that may have lead you here to this
point in your life where you nd yourself confronting a breakup.
And no matter what those circumstances are, I want you to know that
Im sorry.
Im sorry that youre going through this difcult chapter of your life.
Im sorry that the person you love has pulled away from you.
Im sorry for all the pain and suffering youre undoubtedly going
through.
I know that what youre experiencing isnt easy, and its lled with a lot
of tears and heartbreak But I want you to know that you can make it
through this.
The key to healing the rift in a breakup may be a little bit different
depending on your breakup type, but one thing is clear: mastering a
new set of relating skills to bond and connect with your ex will truly
help you open a doorway to their heart.
I hope that this book has been helpful to you, and that youve enjoyed
reading it as much as Ive enjoyed writing it for you.
And if youd like a little extra help getting through to your ex so that
you can win them back, then you might be interested in the Ex
Solution Program.
Now, before you sign up for the Ex Solution Program today, let me
tell you a little bit more about it so you know its right for you.

of 49 49
The Ex Solution Program is our online training course designed to
help you make a profound emotional connection with your ex, so that
you can break through their walls and get back together with them.
Inside, we teach you the advanced relational skills that you need in
order to get through to them and show them how much you care in a
way that may have seemed impossible before.
Youve already gone to the effort of reading this book, reading my

newsletter (which I assume is how you found out about this book in
the rst place), and gone out looking for answers to save your
relationship.
Do you know how rare of a person you are?
Not many people would have gone to that much effort. They might
have gotten their ex a card or something, but thats about it.
Youre reading this book. Youve gotten near the end of it. And I can
tell youre the kind of person who has the determination and
commitment to do this now.
So, heres what Id like you to do next:
Go ahead and check out the Ex Solution Program at the link below.
Look over the sign up page and see if its a good t for you. If you feel
that this is something you could benet from, go ahead and sign up
today.
You can check out the Ex Solution Program over here:
http://ExSolutionProgram.com
And I look forward to seeing you on the other side.

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Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

The information contained in this book is provided as is without warranty of

The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and

Originally published June 2014

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by

Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

There are is no shortage of books on dating and relationships. So,

Well, this book is written by someone who has been a professional

I started writing a small website on breakups back in 2009, shortly

Were not psychologists who have spent years in an ivory tower

Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

And because of that focus, were very good at what we do.

1. Based on real-world experience, not academic theories that

You want ONE way to get your ex back.

One way that works for your specic situation.

If that sounds like you, keep reading

Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

In the next few pages, Im going to explain to you the 5 different

Now, it might be obvious to some people why their relationship didnt

Thats okay. Most things in life arent black-and-white, and chances

Youll learn a lot either way.

Okay, so lets get into this.

The 5 Breakup Types are:

The Toxic Blowup

The Static Cling

The Blindside Breakup

The Relationship Fizzle

Breakup Type 1: The Rebound

You lay awake at night, thinking about your ex having an intimate

Every time my ex left me in the past it was to be with another guy.

Thankfully, I understand relationships a lot better now.

So whats going on here?

If someone is truly 100% satised with their relationship and in love

It just cant be done.

Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

But theres a hole somewhere.

So they decide to stick it out.

Maybe your partner doesnt even realize whats happening at rst. It

Then it becomes an emotional affair. Your partner starts becoming

It hurts. Im sorry that youre going through this.

The Solution to the Rebound Breakup:

Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

For example, if you were emotionally unavailable, like I was, you

If your ex didnt feel respected, then you need to learn ways of

Then the third thing you need to do is to demonstrate this change to

And that is is.

Now you might be thinking: What about the other person?

As I will explain to you, they really shouldnt concern you at all.

And heres why:

Theres a book called Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. Its a very

When someone was getting a subscription to The Economist online,

An online only subscription for $59

When testing his students he found these results:

16% of students chose the online only option for $59

68% of students chose the online only option for $59

This happens because people have a difcult time comparing very

Its hard to tell.

Heres how this relates to you and your ex:

Ariely went on to observe this same effect in a variety of other social

Essentially this is the set of options your ex is being presented with:

Their new partner

Its hard to evaluate.