Stepfamilies and step parents:

a delicate arrangement
May 7, 2014 - Marilyn Stowe

Stepfamilies are a delicate arrangement. For them to come into
being, children usually have to be physically separated from a
biological parent. While this may come as a relief to some children,
who have witnessed abuse or even violence in their former family
unit, that is relatively rare and for most it is an event associated
with sadness and loss from which the child may never recover. At
the same time they may struggle to accept a relative stranger as a
step parent at all, whatever the good intentions of the adults.

Given such an unhappy start, once set up under the same roof
Mum or Dads new partner has an uncertain role. Are they there to
actually play parent or are they simply there to be their partners
new significant other? Should they discipline their step children
when they misbehave or is that strictly the preserve of the
biological parent? If they are there to play a parent role, how much
of a parent should they be? How easy is it to take on a new set of
children and live under the same roof together?

In many cases, the childrens other biological parent will still be on
the scene and they may rightly or wrongly resent the step parent,
seeing them as usurpers getting in the way of their relationship
with their own children. He or she may may spoil them rotten, to
compensate for not being there as much as before, but not
thinking or caring about the impact on the other children in the new
household. Unhappy children may feel much their same about
their own relationship with their other parent and bitterly resent the
intrusion of someone else. Older children especially may object to
being disciplined by someone who is essentially a stranger.

A stepfather, meanwhile, may himself secretly resent having to
look after another mans children, contributing to their cost of living
whilst access to his own is restricted. Its not those children he
wants messing up the house its his own. He may even feel
increasingly guilty as time goes by, wondering whats happening to
his children whilst putting up as best he can with the new
arrangements. Do those guilty feelings subside or do they form the
basis for a future split? A mother may also feel she has to choose
between her children and her new spouse- and usually the
children win every time, knowing even at a young age that Mum
can be manipulated if she feels guilty about the split, irrespective
of all the justifications that seemed so right at the time. Children
have a tendency to say what they think the parents wants to hear,
and versions may differ depending on which parent is hearing it.

A difficult situation whichever way you look at it. That is not to
suggest, of course, that every step family is riven by turmoil. Far
from it; many do run smoothly and despite the ups and downs, can
generally be happy affairs. The step parents may start as
unfamiliar figures of suspicion to the children, but as the years roll
by bonds can form. If the children have a difficult or even non-
existent relationship with their actual, absent parent, bonding with
a kind step parent who is part of their daily lives is the most natural
thing in the world. Butits a tough ask and even the best laid
plans can be based on hopes that never materialise. Like it or not
others cannot be manipulated into feeling the same as you do.

So for me, seeing what Ive seen over so many years, it can easily
be argued that the step children- step parent relationship is built on
sand. If separation or divorce intervenes, true, the step parent will
be entitled to contact with the children he or she once willingly
accepted and financially maintained when they all lived together,
but how many do ? Blood is still thicker than water. In many cases,
the step parent step child relationship will simply dissolve along
with the marriage following divorce. The person that brought them
together the childrens mother or father is gone. It can be a
recipe for great unhappiness for the children. Again.

Its not easy being a stepparent. As a lawyer and after watching
these scenarios play out in their various forms for over 30years,
Im afraid I take the view that step parents go where even angels
fear to tread.