Super G and the Saltire

[From
Mansion House to Miners' V/elfare;
one huge step for Mankind,
one little step for Gordon.]
Paul Laverty
10th of September ' 14
G AND ALTIRE
[As
secretly recorded by cameron's second footman - honestly.]
SLNDAY MORNING 7TH OF SEPT '14. IO DOWNING STREET.
LONDON.
The Sunday newspapers have
just
arrived, and are spread out all over the
kitchen table as David Cameron's furious eyes skip over the bombshell
headlines of the YouGov poll putting the Yes campaign ahead for the first
tiq., by-the tightest of margini, 5lyo to 49vo. He has phone under his
chin and_the phone rings out. He pounds the table in diigust. He can feel
his blood pressure mo-r11t as the phone continues to ring. He flicks through
more devastating headlines as his face tightens.
CAMERON
[as
phone continues to ring] Come on come
on......where are you Darling you great
useless Dandy Dick Head.....
DARLING
fanswering]
Sorry David.....I was in the
shower....
CAMERON
How in the hell can you lose a24 point lead?!
You promised me you would deliver. Falling
apart! Fuck, I'11 go down in history as the
greatest Loser Of All Time! First line in
Wikipedia....round my neck till the day I
die....then on the fucking gravestone! Worse
than Blair with Iraq! I even took Devo Max
off the ballot....OFF! After listening to clowns
like you!
DARLING
We have to keep a cool head David....it is
just
one poll..
CAMERON
One poll! And I should stick it up your
anus! You know your problem?....fslowly]
You look
just
like us. You sound,
just
like
us. You could have been in the Bullingdon
club with me and Boris! It's all my fault.
DARLING
V/ell David, with respect, if you don't mind
me saying
2
Deadly silence.
CAMERON
fcopying]
"...with respect, if you don't mind
me saying"....Can you not get yourself a
pair of bollocks and good gruff Scottish
accent.....even
just
for the campaign, too
much to ask?!
DARLING
....I am perfectly conhdent once the big
hitters in the City, the Bank of England,
Nobel laureates....once this currency.....
CAMERON
Alistair! Shut your trap! Have you seen
Doctor Strangeglove?
DARLING
Pardon?
CAMERON
Film, Kubrick.....Doom is on the
horizon. .... .Desperate times..... desperate
measures......it's time for...
[long
pause]...Gordon.
CAMERON (CONT'D)
Did you hear me? It is now time for....[ong
pause again] Gordon.
DARLING
You don't mean......"that" Gordon....
CAMERON
Yes I do Alistair.....
DARLING
But it will look silly....I'm the Leader....we'11
look desperate.....
CAMERON
'We
are desperate!
DARLING
flosing
it] But I hate the BASTARD!!
CAMERON
Don't get into a strop Alistair, don't want
that big top lip wobbling on me......We'11 hit
(MORE)
J
CAMERON (CONT'D)
the Scotties with the three Big Ss, they'll
love that...."Scottish accent", "Socialist",
"Son of the Manse".....we'11 get him up to
one of these Miners'Welfare Clubs in
Lothian....retired miners.....salt of the
earth....years of misery etched on the
faces....he'll summon up the sprit of Keir
Hardie and "working class struggle"....And
we'll get him to announce a bunch of stuff
that should have been Devo Max in the first
bloody place.....
DARLING
But it's me that does the announcing.....
CAMERON
Yes, announce! He will! Housing benefit,
welfare, they'll love that....
DARLING
But the postal votes are already gone!
CAMERON
Do you think history will give a fuck! Tie
it all in to an "unbreakable" timetable....saint
Andrew's Duy, Robert Burns..Robert the
fucking Bruce for all I care.....when is that?
And lets see if we can breathe some life
into that fucking useless Zombie labour
party before they lose their entire membership
after Miliband nearly killed them off in the
last visit... ....4h!...I'll even hoist the Saltire
on 10 Downing Street as we unleash Super
Gordon!
DARLING
Super Gordon?
CAMERON
Yes, Super Gordon, he's even got a good
Scots name.....
DARLING
"Alistair" is a good Scottish name
CAME,RON
Yes, but I told you, you look like a banker's
butler!
4
DARLING
But could I not be "Super Ally?"
CAMERON
No, you can't be Super Ally. It's
"Hoist the
Saltire" and
"Super Gordon" Socialist!
Son of the Manse!
DARLING
But he was part of Blair's war cabinet,
Iraq...up to his neck in it too...if he had
resigned like Cook he could have sunk
Blair....
CAMERON
fl,ike
a mantra] Super Gordon! Socialist!
Son of the Manse!
DARLING
His speech to the bankers at Mansion House!
igger_doormat
than I ever was....fmimicking
Brown]
"I congratulate you on your
remarkable achievements, an eiathat history
will record as the beginning of new golden
"
age in the city of London". A few months
later we had to bail them out with 1.3
trillion!!! How can he get away with that?
CAMERON
Super Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!
DARLING
Privitiser in Chiefl PFI's! Just one hospital,
Addiewell, will cost us over 920 millio by
the time he has has written volume 36 of
-
How I Saved the World in25 years time!
One hospital! Nearly a billion! Ten times
more than it should be! Socialist!
CAMERON
Super Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!
DARLING
fhis
voice beginning to crack] But his
jaw
drops at the end of every sentnce.....
CAMERON
That's because his head has to carry a great
big hulking Scottish brain made from
girders.....Super
Gordon....
5
DARLING
But he sold off 400 tons of gold bullion ar
the worst possible time and lost a fortune!
CAMERON
Hoist the Saltire! Son of the Manse!
DARLING
fmore
desperation] But I know JK Rowling
much better than he does.....I met her first....
CAMERON
Alistair....calm down....are you bubbling?
DARLING
And I've got thick silvery hair and a
statesman's eyebrows.....I could even get
the Dalai Lama's personal phone number.
CAMERON
Alistair....I'm sonl'....It's tough....do you
really want to break the
Queen's
heart in the
Winter of her glorious reign.....it's got to be
Gordon.....
DARLING
Bastard! Bastard! Bastard! Mansion House
to Miners Welfare!! Iraq to Chief Privitiser!
How does he do it!!!? How does the press
swallow it?! Great big boring bad tempered
foul mouthed sanctimonious twat of a
hypocrite! Should be off to the Hague with
Blair! At least I know I'm a banker's butler,
but he gets away with being....
CAMERON
Super Gordon.
DARLING
How in the name of fuck does he do it!?
Do they feel sorry for him because he lost
his eye? I might poke out one of my own!
I demand to make the ANITIOUCEMENTS!
CAMERON
Strop over? Do you want me to pull the
plug on you Alistair?.....You have a long
way to go.....Ermine and silk....Do you
want to
join
your friends Baron Reid of
Cardowan, the Right Honourable the Lord
(MORE)
6
CAMERON (CONT'D)
MacConnell of Glenscorrodale....Baron
Foulkes of Cummnock? Take a deep breath
and think...we will get through this.....we
will save the day......there could still be a
knighthood for you Alistair if you find
some balls......I may look like a
jamtart,
Steve Bell may draw a condom on my
head....but I am a Tory, hard as steel....in
our blood...I will sulmon up the spirit of
Birkenhead,Churchill,
the Iron Lady....I
will save this Union, Trident, our Special
Relationship with The Land of the Free,
our place at the IIN and I will not go down
as a Loser! Do you hear me you little
butler.......stop snivelling ......that's
better.....so Gordon is on his way to the
fucking Miners Welfare...so say after
me.......Super Gordon...Socialist, Son of the
Manse...say it!
DARLING
fsticking
in his throat, mumbling] Super
Gordon.....Socialist,
Son of the Manse....
CAMERON
Louder! From your pubes!
DARLING
Super Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!
CAMERON
Put your hands through your silvery hair,
wiggle your statesmen's eyebrows....feel the
power...feel your manhood
grow......together......
CAMERON AND DARLING
Super Gordon! Socialist! Son of the Manse!
CAMERON
Right....you get your nappy on, phone your
friends in the City, and I'11 hoist the Saltire.
fPaul
Laverty,l lth September 14.1
900 Golden Minutes.
7,
V/ill of the People, or Fear of the People?
18th of September 2014. Polling stations open ar7am, close at lOpm. l5
hours. 900 golden minutes. Saint Augustine of Hippo wrote in th 5th
century,
"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Anger, at the way things are,
and Courage, to try and change them."