a Coping with Bereavement: Indeed, is it "Good Grief"? fugust is traditionally the most introspective tine of the year for this psychologist. My summer schedule is generally lighter, and | also commenorate, at this Season, the "Yahrzeit™ or anniver— sary of my father's death. In short, this is the peak reflective period for ne. Actually, although | have suffered the Joss of both parents, my grief pales before the agony of ‘some of the fanilies | have seen in my office this year. What can one say to console @ couple that has Jost_@ young child ina tragic accident, to comfort a woman abandoned after 33 years of marriage, or to heal the pain of holocaust survivors? The Fact these People can 90 on living is; indeed, a tribute to the human spirit, to our indoritable ability to recover and to reaffirm life. Stil, the death of a loved ona, no matter the circumstances, is a trauma that can last for years and years. it has been more than a quarter century since my father ded. Yet every year near the anniversary of his passing, | am ‘overuhelned uith Feelings of sadness. AS an observant Jew, | have faithfully observed his yahrzelt in the traditional manner: | have it the memorial candle, attended and even conducted religious services, and recited the "Kaddish.” Rituals of this sort do have a useful role in “working through’ the orief response by pulling our attention into exacting tasks thereby producing @ clear, calmer mind. | shall continue to follow the prescribed rituals, but beginning this year | intend to ‘add my’ oun personalized touch to the occasion. As Arnold Goldman has pointed out in Plain Pine Box, all too often members oF Synagogue do not reach out to each other on these special anniversaries. It is not that congregants. are unfeeling or uncomfortable with death. Rather, the press for tine makes them more interested in the speed with which | recite the prayers than with offering me expressions of care or questions about my father. As Goodnan observes, Feelings Such as mine "are undoubtedly not atypical: they cry for neu rituals or practices." Therefore, beginning this year, following the morning services, | shall spend the day of my Father's yahrzeit doing the things that my father would have liked me to do. fy brother and | ull get together to wenorialize the man to whom, sadly, | never had a chance to truly say "Good-bye." In truth, | started this neusletter to give voice, first and Foremost, to my feelings about people near and dear to me. hen | think of my father, | think of a duiet, stoic, hardworking man uho stood about 57". Life was never easy for hit. He was the oldest child of an inmagrant fanily from Lithuania, and as such he had to quit schoo! uith only a third grade education to work to support his tuo younser brothers and sister. But work he did. In fact, he enJoyed any kind ofVol. 2, No. 9 — KARAN 4U manual labor. He was a handy man par ‘excellence, blessed uith "golden hands." He could fix or build anything. He partic— ularly liked the printing trade and he Eauight hinself the statis oF tool and che making. But being able to bend metal to make ‘exquisite patterns and designs was not ‘enough in those days or even now to get ahead. My father, although once 2 soldier, uas too unassuming, too softspoken For the rigors of compatitive business. He uould have been wore content staying in his workshop designing tools and dies. But Family needs took precedence, as they aluays did with my Father, and he went into business, first, in a meat market and, then, in 2 dell The long hard hours and stresses of business took their toll on my father. libile | was still a teenager he suffered his First heart attack. This would be followed by yet another until a third and fatal attack struck him down one fateful Sunday morning in August. Ironically, on the day my father died he uas telling everyone that he was having one of the best days of his life. In retrospect, | now know that he was experiencing the not uncommon phenonenon of euphoria before inpending death, But the sad fact is that ny father had feu Joyful or pleasurable oF trivial days; he aluays bearudged himself. There were only a handeul of tines I'can recall uhen he took time for himself to just fish or play golf, and how much fun I had accompanying him on those adventures! Words can't describe how | looked up to him in those days, how | so much’ wanted to be like hin. The man 1 am today does take after his father in many ways, from a physical reser Blance at least to uhat | hope: are his spiritual inheritances. My father left me little in the way oF material uealth, But from him | learned devotion, unselfishness, sacrifice and caring. We moved close to his parents and ‘even in their house for a uhile so he could help his invalid father. And he was NEWSLETTER — Side Two auays kind to me, his first born. He never raised his voice. Once when | was acting: obnoxious and deserving a smack, he hit me, and | know that slap hurt him more. Yes, | dearly loved my father; and as ‘time pagses, | love and appreciate hin more. Tine has also made me painfully auare of a key ingredient that was missing from our relationship, an ingredient that, more than anything else, has compelled we ‘to devote my life to communication. For my father, a doer rather than a man oF words, never was able to share his dreams, his sorrous, his deep seated feelings. and sadly, being auay at college at the tine he died, | never got a chance ‘to tell him hou much he meant to me and how Tuould miss hi. On this, the ave of the 26th anniver— sary of my father Herman Karan's death, | want to say more to the world than impersonal prayers, as sacred and vital as they are I want to pay tribute to the memory of the simple tool and die maker ino molded mo into an effective but yet unpolished tool of communication. A true test of my maturity ~ of any man’s or woman's maturity ~ is coming to terms with, taking the full measure of his father and mother. In this sense, the orief that | feel, that [uill aliays feel, about my father's untimely dasth is, indeed, 900d and healthy. First, it is, simply, the price | must pay for loving @ fine man. More important, my grief over unspoken utter- ances has been the catalyst for my entire career, for my pursuit of a loving and novel exchange of ideas. And, so, | have invested my mourning this year, and hopefully in succeeding years, uith a more positive, creative, and even sentimental thrust. Yet uhat may feel ike the proper expression of mourning for me may not Feel right to soneone else. To others, visiting the cemetery, delivering a learned discourse, establishing a memorial fund or 2 myriad of other activities, within the framework of one's customs, enables the mourner to confront tha reality of death. Modern psychology has helped us under~ stand that there are usually predictable stages of the grief process. However, you and | must pass through these stages. ‘at_our oun individual pace and in a manner unique and meaningful to us. Above all, we should remeber the message of Shakespeare: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits’ up the overurought heart and bids it break.