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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the
form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets]
throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with
revising your paper!
Hi, Samantha, and welcome! My name is Robbie H., and I'll be helping you with strengthening
your essay today. I enjoyed your study on Overcoming Life's Hardships, and I liked the points that
you raised. Well done! Now, let's take a look at your draft!
*Strengths of the essay:
I like the way that you use rhetorical questions in your paper, such as She fought for her basic
necessities, why should Frank receive anything? This helps the reader to more fully understand the
relationship between Sue and her husband. Well done!
Main Idea/Thesis:
Currently, your thesis in the introduction doesnt fully state your position on Overcoming Life's
Hardships. You need to clearly indicate this to the reader. Your current thesis says, Yet she has
pulled herself up by the straps on her boots and has proven that nothing can be an excuse, and that
life is worth living even though sometimes it can get hard.
The thesis statement should indicate to the reader the main points that you intend to discuss in the
content. For example, "Drinking too much [topic] is dangerous [discussible point/claim] because
it can lead to poor health, it can affect judgment, and it can endanger the lives of others
[structure]."
In your essay, what is your topic? Is this Overcoming Life's Hardships?
What is your discussible point(s)? In other words, what is your opinion?
What are your structure points? In other words, what are your main points? For instance, one key
point mentioned in your essay content is A single mother in the twentieth century would prove to be
one of the biggest struggles of her life.
What are ALL the key points you should include in your thesis? I suggest you re-write your thesis now
so that it mentions your topic, discussable points, and ALL your structure points. This will reinforce
your ideas and make your essay much stronger. It will help you greatly to refer to the Writers
handbook. Kindly follow this link: Thesis Development
*Samantha 7325086 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:
Smarthinking requires me to review two higher order concerns in your essay, therefore I suggest we
rather concentrate on content development.
Content Development:
Topic sentences are very important parts of the assignment, as they tell the reader exactly what will
be discussed in each paragraph. In some of your content paragraphs, your topic sentence does NOT
come at the start of the paragraph. You need to correct this.

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Heres an example from the one of your body paragraphs: In the summer of 1984 they got married,
which in turn allowed her to be dependent on someone else as well as herself.
This is your topic statement because it is the most important sentence of the paragraph. You should
therefore have mentioned this at the beginning of the paragraph.
You should check each content paragraph and place the topic statement at the beginning of the
paragraph. It will help you greatly to refer to the Writers handbook. . Kindly follow this link:
Developing Powerful Paragraphs
*Samantha 7325086 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Write your sentences out in full to bring out the exact meaning of what you want to say. Make sure
that each sentence has a subject and a predicate.
For instance, you say, Although through time the picture seemed to change.
A full sentence needs a subject and verb. A verb is an action, e.g., drink, or a being word, e.g.,
am/is/are. The subject is the person or thing doing the verb, e.g. The man (subject) drinks (verb).
Who is the subject in your sentence above? This is man.
What word could you delete to make this phrase into a complete sentence? Do you see how the
meaning is very much clearer?
Summary of Next Steps:
I enjoyed your essay on Overcoming Life's Hardships. To build on the strong points you make, please
have a look at the following for your next draft:

Re-write your thesis now so that it mentions your topic, discussable points, and ALL your
structure points.
Check each content paragraph and place the topic statement at the beginning of the
paragraph.
Write your sentences out in full.

Thank you for sharing your paper on Overcoming Life's Hardships with me, Samantha. Good luck with
your revision! Robbie H.
Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library:
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's
student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking
ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook.
Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking.
We encourage you to submit future essays.

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Samantha Mays
Jennifer Vanderslik
Profile
10-1-2014
Overcoming the Hardships that Life Gives
Sue Chesla has been to hell and back. Her life has been filled with many great
achievements and tragic downfalls. Yet she has pulled herself up by the straps on her boots and
has proven that nothing can be an excuse, and that life is worth living even though sometimes it
can get hard.
At the age of seventeen Sue moved out of her parents two story country house. [Each
main point in your content must first have been introduced in the thesis of your
introduction. In your revised thesis, you should mention this point about your character
moving out of her home. What are all the main points which you will later explain in the
content of the essay? Mention the main points in the same sequence in your thesis and in
your content. This will give your essay a greater cohesion.] The welcoming flower printed
wall paper would always be home to her, yet she decided that it was time to start her own life
and become her own person. The desire to be able to make her own choices propelled her into
what would become to be a string of bad circumstances. In order to support herself Sue worked
three minimum wage jobs. [After an introductory phrase, a comma must be inserted before
the main clause begins. This makes the meaning much clearer. Where should you place a
comma after the introductory string of words in your sentence? Place the comma just
before the main clause begins. The main clause begins with the word Sue.] During the day

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she worked at the Belding Leppinks, at night she found herself as a full time third shifter at
Amway, and on the weekends she scrubbed the floors of wherever Klinger Janitor Services sent
her. These three jobs left her exhausted and granted her absolutely no free time. Yet she pushed
through, doing whatever possible to keep her life on track. Sadly these tracks became quickly
askew when she fell in love with a man named Dave Mccreery.
Although they had not known each other for a long period of time, Sue decided that her
love for Dave was strong enough to get married. In the summer of 1984 they got married, which
in turn allowed her to be dependent on someone else as well as herself. This decision allowed her
to quit her jobs at Leppinks and Klinger Janitor Services, which in turn jumpstarted her career at
Amway. For the next four years she would be happily married to the man of her dreams, or so it
would seem to the outside world. Behind the curtains Dave was a raging alcoholic, everyoneincluding Sue-realized this to late. On September 2, 1989 her first son-Ron-was born, quickly
followed by her brother-Garrett- on June 10, 1991. Two young children in the home quickly
placed a toll on the family, although both of the children were a blessing in Sues eyes she knew
that it would be a struggle. The stress quickly turned what started to be a minor drinking problem
on Daves part into a major one. The situation in the household would prove to be to dangerous
for two young boys, therefore Sue made one of the hardest decisions of her life. She picked up
her life, as well as her childrens, and moved on from Dave. The year of 1994 would be the year
that she broke free of the dangers of an alcoholic husband.
A single mother in the twentieth century would prove to be one of the biggest struggles
of her life. A full time worker and mother of two extremely young boys which would have no
father figure. She was a mother and a father to her children. After hours upon hours of hard work
she earned enough money to purchase her own home, where she would be able to raise her

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children in the way that she seemed best fit. These experiences would prove to be difficult over
the next six years. Sue would help her sons through times where they needed a father, one that
was there for them all the time even though they didnt have one. That placed an extreme amount
of stress on her, yet she pushed on.
Sometimes life gives you lemons, She states. I just make lemonade. Theres no reason why
life cant be seen as a blessing even when times get hard. [I am impressed by your use of
direct speech. Your statement makes your essay both interesting and attractive to the
reader. Well done!] In the year of 2000 Sue discovered some more unexpected news, she was
pregnant with a third child. This child was the child of a short term boyfriend whom happened to
be ten-years older than her. It came to a shock for everyone, especially Sues parents. With this
news they pressured her to marry the father of the child, Frank Chesla. The overwhelming
pressure from her family brought her to the decision to marry Frank. What could go wrong? Her
present children would have a father figure, and the child on the way would be able to have the
father that she wished her other boys had been able to have. The beginning of this marriage
turned out to be just like any other typical marriage. They had a child and seemed to be the
picture perfect family. Although through time the picture seemed to change. Frank became more
and more controlling, first starting with denying Sues right to go to a church then slowly taking
away her hobbies. Eventually she discovered that all the money she earned went to supporting
Frank, even though he worked a full time job Sue was still paying for everything. The house
payments, his truck payment, both of their retirement funds. Everything. Verbal abuse shot down
bits and pieces of her self-esteem quickly, and even the comments from her two older sons could
not wake her up to the fact that she was being controlled by Frank. Eventually when her two
older sons moved out she realized how bad it was getting. She watched Frank verbally abuse her

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youngest son, and that turned out to be the final straw. Sue could not take it anymore, she knew
that if she stayed with this man he could forever damage her sons life. It was no longer just
about her happiness, she had to protect her child as well.
Although she knew what to expect from her last divorce, she did not take into
consideration the amount of control that Frank had over her. During the divorce she lost
everything. The battle for their material goods lasted over two years. She fought for her basic
necessities, why should Frank receive anything? Not only had Sue supported him throughout the
entire marriage, but her son and herself were verbally abused! Yet because Frank had destroyed
her self-esteem she was easily convinced to go easy on him, and by the time the divorce was
reaching its end she was so tired of fighting. All she wanted was the house, the house that she
had worked so hard for after her first divorce with Dave. The house that all three of her children
had grown up in. At the end of the divorce all she had to show for in her life was her children,
the rickety old house, and a dwindling bank account. Frank had only given her one good thing,
her youngest son.
Today Sue is still repairing her life. By becoming interested in her crafting hobbies again,
and allowing herself to visit church Sue has found some of her self-esteem back. Sue is a strong,
independent woman who can show many women that men do not need to be in the picture to
have a successful life. She has fought her children and put their needs above her own countless
times. [Make sure that each sentence makes sense and portrays EXACTLY what you
intended to say. It is so easy to misspell a crucial word when writing a sentence. What
preposition can you lace before the word children so that the sentence makes sense?]
Although life can sometimes get hard she shows the world that anyone can come out of any bad

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situation. Her actions prove that life is something to cherish, and that no problem is too hard to
face. With dedication and a little bit of love you can overcome anything.