Apologies

I-Search Paper - DRAFT 2

Melanie Rao
My proposal:
As I was thinking about how to structure my I-Search paper, and what kind of a research
question I would ask for on the subject of strongly addictive illegal drugs, something caught my
eye. I noticed a few things in fact. Some of these things were how parents ask their kids to
apologize after they have been bad and how some adults expect apologies from others, but refuse
to make an apology because they want to avoid a possible "shame" feeling. Could the adults be
this way due to the fact that they were raised to apologize? Could expectations play a role? I
started to wonder if there was a connection between adults, children, and apologies.
My research question will be, Can apologies help a child's development or hurt it? Ways that
I will conduct my research is through the help of the search engines on the internet, parenting
books at the library, and watching nanny shows on TV, Netflix, and Youtube.
To take down the information, I will copy and paste, or type out the links, shows, and book
titles that I have come across to help me write my research paper. I will keep note of all the
important sentences or paragraphs I find and make sure to save them so that I can add that to my
research paper. I will note down the people that have made the information as to show their
credibility to what they say. I will mention the credibility of all other informational sources as
well.

My Process:
My initial response to this topic of research is that parents should teach their children to
apologize. Apologizing, being empathetic, and being humble is an important part of being
human, it is what identifies us as human compared to other species in the classification system.
My research first started off with Google. I searched up "Why do we teach kids to
apologize?," "Does teaching kids to apologize help them?," and "Should we teach kids to
apologize?" I bookmarked some of the links I came across. I also remembered some of the
parenting shows out there such as, "SuperNanny." I used Youtube to find an example of
Supernanny's disciplining and apology method. Another resource I decided to look into were
parenting books through the library. The Delaware County Library System has digital books you
can borrow for free and download on your phone.
The most useful strategy for me was to watch the nanny parenting shows, because it showed
things happening in real time with real children, mostly from Youtube. The second most helpful
source was the internet, because it told of consequences and the methods and meaning to
apologizing. The least helpful source which I will not use any information from are the parenting
books. Although they had the answer for everything, it never really went into detail with it, and
therefore, I had to let go of that research.
I bookmarked at least 5 sources (links) that I read from the internet, and 1 Youtube video of a
parenting show of which I will include in my research paper. I will also have them linked for any
in-text citations.

My Research:
According to the Merriam Webster, an apology is "to express regret for doing or saying
something wrong." (Merriam Webster) A majority of the time, parents usually discipline their
children and make them apologize. Many times I will see a child who is misbehaving in a store
or on a playground, all of the sudden the child smacks another child across the face. The sound
of whaling and the formation of tears begins to occur on the receiving child's end, the parents run
up to see what happened, and then the parent of the child who committed the act of smacking is
told to apologize to the other kid. Although the child is apologizing, does he or she really
understand the concept of apologizing and empathy, or does he or she feel it is a necessity?
Another question that could arise is whether the parents understood the importance and the whys
of teaching children to apologize and how it will affect the child's future self. This begins my
case, parents should make their child apologize for something that they did wrong only if the
parents understand the importance, the methods, and how it helps the child in the future.
When a child is being taught to apologize, they are being taught awareness and empathy,
according to Sandra Zerner, founder of the Its Good 2B Good Kids Character Education
program in Scottsdale, Arizona and Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills-based psychotherapist and
author of The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your
Child. Although a child says the words "I'm sorry," they really do not understand why they are
saying an apology, and are probably not aware of what they did wrong. Children do not really
know they did wrong until they are taught that it is wrong, and they should feel bad which is
their awareness and empathy. Once they have grasped that wrongness, they will understand. In

the words of Zerner, "If its for something they know they did wrong, an apology acknowledges
that awareness and relives them of guilt they would otherwise carry around with them for days,
weeks, months, years or potentially even a lifetime if the deed was severe enough." (Teaching
Children to Apologize) When teaching empathy, we have to make sure that the children are not
apologizing for the sake of the parents. Is it important to the parents or to the child on the long
run? As Walsh states, "Most kids will apologize by default just to get you off their backs."
(Teaching Children to Apologize) It is important for parents to understand why they are making
their child apologize. According to Michele Nealon-Woods, a psychologist in Los Angeles,
"Because preschoolers are still egocentric, they don't fully understand that their behavior can hurt
another person." (Teaching Kids to say "I'm Sorry") What did the child do and how did it affect
the others, especially on the receiving end. How would the child feel if someone had done that to
him or her? This is important for the child to understand when he or she is apologizing because
they will learn not to do such things in the first place or again.
Knowing the importance of an apology is definitely important, but knowing the methods of
teaching your child to apologize is just as necessary. There are specific steps and methods that
should be taken to teach a child to apologize so that they can grasp awareness and empathy.
Simply telling a child to apologize to the child they smacked right after the incident will not give
the child time to think about what he or she has done, he or she will think everything is better
with two little words and not understand the consequences of his actions. The child hurt someone
else's feelings, and does not realize it in that effect. This is why taking the proper steps to ensure
proper apologies is important. One method to teaching a child to apologize is being the bigger
example as a parent. According to Jennifer Matlack, the author of Teaching Kids to say "I'm
Sorry," when you yell at your child in anger and you understand you're wrong, get down to your

child's level and have eye to eye contact with a serious expression, guess what her emotions were
when you yelled or how she might have felt about it, and say that you are sorry about having
yelled at her. (Teaching Kids to say "I'm Sorry") In this way, you are teaching her that you
realize you have done wrong, you feel empathetic about her feelings, and that you are sorry. She
may begin to imitate that structure of apology when she realizes what she has done wrong to
someone and she may think of the consequences her negative actions have done to the other
person. As the parent, when she does something wrong and she needs to apologize, ask her what
she is sorry for, why is she sorry, what has she done that has impacted the other person, and how
could she try to repair that relationship with the person she affected. Another method that can be
taken into consideration when the child behaves negatively towards you as the parent or his or
her siblings, if any, is discipline. According to Supernanny's, Jo Frost, a nanny for over 20 years,
a child needs to have a consequence to his or her actions. An example of how she works her
method could be from her SuperNanny show in season 2, The Minyon Family, in which she uses
the naughty step. In the video, the child shows multiple examples of negative behavior. The child
wants to be picked up by her mother while her mother is cooking, the mother is refusing, so the
child throws a temper tantrum and cries. This is clearly not acceptable behavior. Jo then tells the
mother to give the child a warning to go onto the naughty chair, in which the child responds by
smacking her mother. The mother must resort to telling her child she is going onto timeout for
the minutes of her age. The child puts her child into timeout, and the child refuses to listen, the
timeout process goes on for over an hour, until the daughter finally sits on the chair. When the
mother comes and asks for an apology, the child says no, and they wait, until finally the child
apologizes and they move on to finishing the cooking. (How to Use the Naughty Chair Correctly:
Supernanny US) One thing to remember is the importance of an apology though. In this method,

it does not really emphasize onto the empathy of what she did to her mother, she stressed her
mother out and hit her. This can be a very workable method, but keep in mind the importance of
an apology, awareness and empathy. A good mixture of discipline for the actions, and reflections
of what the person on the receiving end is feeling will help a child learn right and wrong for his
or her actions and a meaningful apology.
The last point I am stating to why apologies should be taught is how apologizing can help
them in their future selves. When you teach your child to apologize with empathy as stated
above, you are setting the fundamentals for their teenage years as well as their adult years. After
watching teenagers and adults, they either think they are always right in arguments and usually
do not think things through. When a situation gets to an extreme negative tension, thinking about
consequences or apologies are either not thought about, or are not heartfelt when done. Without
emphasizing on empathy, children later grow up thinking an apology will cut it and start to use
the blame game and saying things such as, "I'm sorry, but." According to James Lehman, MSW
who was a renowned child behavioral therapist and is the author of "Kids, Blaming and
Apologies: Everything after "But" is Bull," he states, "If your child says Im sorry and puts an
excuse behind it, make no bones about it: that excuse has to be challenged. (Kids, Blaming and
Apologies: Everything after "But" is Bull) This is usually a result of a lack of empathy and
understanding to the apology. By teaching children to apologize with empathy at a young age,
you can then show them in their later years that an action speaks louder than words with the
apology. This also allows them not to make problems in their lives and to avoid using negative
behavior. As Lehman states, "Talk to your child in terms of problem-solving from the time they
are very young, using statements like, That doesnt solve your problem. Or Lets try to solve
the problem this way. You can also say things like, Whats the problem? to help kids learn to

identify the thing they actually want to work on or change. The more kids think about things they
have to do in life as problems they need to learn to solve, the better. That way, by the time
theyre adults, theyre learning how to solve the problem of feeding themselves, housing
themselves, clothing themselves. And they solve that in a million different ways, not only by
getting a job, but by being respectful to their boss, by being able to get along with people enough
to ride the subway, by learning how to follow the traffic laws and drive to work." (Kids, Blaming
and Apologies: Everything after "But" is Bull) Apologies and empathy are important for people
to get along in society well, it is something that parents should take into consideration when they
are raising children.
Although there are plenty of benefits of teaching your child to apologize, some tend to want
to disagree with "teaching apologies." Jenise Harmon, LISW-S, is a psychotherapist with a
private practice in Columbus, Ohio, who works with people of various age groups, and also is a
mother of a teenage daughter. She opposes the use of apologies. According to Harmon, "If you
say Im sorry when youre not, whats the point?" She then goes on to say, ""Im sorry" is not
a formality in my opinion. Its an expression of a feeling." and quotes a quote from Jimminy
Cricket, always let your conscience be your guide. (Should You Make Your Child Apologize?
A Therapist's View) Of course, Harmon's words are very true. An apology is done out of
sincerity, not because we have to. On the other hand, if children are not taught to apologize, how
will they know to respond to something they have done wrong? Most importantly, how do they
know they have done something wrong? When Harmon touches the topic of conscience, it is
understood if it is a developed conscience that knows right from wrong. Children on the other
hand do not have a fully developed conscience which is the responsibility of a parent to teach or
mentor into their child. Although Harmon is opposing forced apologies, she does in some way

see the vitality of how parents approach this topic when raising their children. This is why it is
very important to teach apologies especially when integrated with empathy to help a child's mind
develop and feel a sympathy so that they deliver sincere apologies.
Imagine you are about to turn out of a parking lot onto a main road and an oncoming car stops
to let you go, but you tell the other driver to go since there are no other cars and he says you
should go, and as you are about to turn out, he drives and crashes into you. The driver comes out
of his car to see if you are okay and says, "I'm sorry for crashing into you, but you did not look
like you were going to turn and you told me to go." Would that be appropriate when you could
be injured and your car is seriously damaged and the driver that crashed into you is apologizing
and making an excuse? Does the apology seem genuine? That could be a possible result of a
person who was not taught to feel empathy or give a truly heartfelt apology. On the long run,
teaching children to apologize with empathy is very important and can be done as long as parents
understand the importance, the methods, and the future effects of empathetic apologies.

Pondering:
For this research paper I first chose a topic which was teaching apologies to children. I
noticed how parents teach apologies to children and wondered what the purpose was for it. I also
have come into contact with people that are older and although they behaved negatively, they
never really felt sorry for their actions and used the blame method. This fueled my inspiration for
this paper the most.
I first did research for my chosen topic of apologies to gain more knowledge on it, and to see
how I can validate my case. I went through articles, Youtube videos, and books all of which were
for parenting.
After going to class, I realized that the I-Search paper is a mix of research and persuasion. I
knew what my topic was, but I used a graphic organizer to develop why parents should teach
their children to apologize, and that is how I got to my thesis statement which is, "This begins my
case, parents should make their child apologize for something that they did wrong only of the
parents understand the importance, the methods, and how it helps the child in the future." After
figuring out what my thesis statement would be, I went on to write my essay.
The writing process I used for my essay was a very simple one. I had three subjects in my
case, I used a subject sentence and developed it in a paragraph. I used 1 Youtube video and __
links I found on Google.
For my conclusion paragraph, I used a process that my English professor suggested in which I
used an example sentence to allow for the reader to understand the purpose of my paper, why
parents should teach their children to apologize with empathy.

All of my processes worked except for the parenting books. The parenting books did not have
any useful information that I could use into my essay. I did learn from my research how
apologizing is not effective unless you teach your child to have empathy as well. All in all, this
was a learning experience for me and I hope for this research to be a product of knowledge for
my readers as well.

Resource List
Merriam-Webster, Definition of Apologize
Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/apologize

Philpott, S., Teaching Children to Apologize

Retrieved from http://mom.me/parenting/6254-teaching-children-apologize/?p=2

Matlack, J., Teaching Kids to Say "I'm Sorry"

Retrieved from http://www.parenting.com/article/teaching-kids-to-say-im-sorry

Frost, J. (2013, October 28) How to Use the Naughty Chair Correctly: Supernanny US
Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6S04J3QLHdE

Lehman, J., Kids, Blaming and Apologies: Everything after "But" is Bull
Retrieved from http://www.empoweringparents.com/Kids-Blaming-and-ApologiesEverything-after-But-is-Bull.php

Harmon, J., Should You Make Your Child Apologize? A Therapist's View
Retrieved from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/your-life/2014/10/should-you-make-yourchild-apologize-a-therapists-view/