Tabitha Lee Sang

Mr. Munoz
English DC, Period 5
October 13, 2014
Catholic Turmoil
I do not remember the little white dress, pretty shoes, a nice Church and the crowd of
people that are my family, and soon to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. A priest baptized me
when I was an infant, so I have no memory of the sacred promises to reject Satan and accept
Christ or of the mini bath I took in the holy water at St. Francis of Assisi Church in San Antonio.
I do remember my parents dragging me to Church every Sunday thereafter and abandoning me
for the first time at Central Catholic Elementary School. My first day at Central Catholic
Elementary was to be the beginning of my long journey through Catholic education.
Catholic schools and public schools are similar in that they both seek to teach the basic
subjects of mathematics, science, and history, but, in addition to learning the scholastic subjects,
Catholic schools are extremely different than public schools. While I did not mind the required
uniform, the required attendance at Mass every Wednesday disgruntled me. In Catholic school,
there are usually additional rules that are more particular and strict. In addition to learning my
numbers and letters, the education I received at Central Catholic taught me the basics of the
Catholic faith. The weekly Religion tests required me to be familiar with common Catholic
terms, and I can still recall the definitions of Trinity, Divine Scripture and Holy Spirit. My
experience, at a young age, with Catholicism had made me view my Catholic faith as an
education whose rules dictated the actions of my life, such as mathematics, whose rules govern
prices, amounts and percentages. I distinctly remember, in fourth grade, the night I had to study

how to correctly spell the names of the seven sacraments. I had been studying the spelling for
about an hour or more, and, by that time, both my dad and I were to the point of maximum
frustration. My dad finally told me to write each of the words ten times, and, as a nine year old,
this chore seemed like a herculean task, so I hid in the closet and cried in despair. I attempted to
call my mom, but, in the process, I cried to a secretary, who told my parents' employee that I was
crying for my mom, who told my mom, who called my dad. My experience at a young age with
Catholicism had made me view my Catholic faith as an education.
Fortunately or unfortunately, going to a Catholic school made me sheltered from the
influence of society. I did not know, let alone use, any curse words. I believed that only a few
schools had drugs and bullies. I never considered that drugs and bullies were present at my own
school. I also foolishly assumed that most people tend to follow the rules whether they agreed
with the rules or not. During my three years at Bishop Garriga Middle Preparatory School, I had
all these innocent delusions disappear which shocked and depressed me because I finally had to
realize that no matter how nice someone is, they still have a cruel, mean side to them. This
revelation forced me to scrutinize my faith not only on an educational level, but also on a
personal level, while I was trying to grasp what every student in middle school was trying to
figure out: where do I belong? In middle school, I saw my peers break the rules of the school and
go against the concepts of the religion classes that I believed were essential for being a Christian,
and yet they claimed to be Catholic or Christian. This contradiction confounded me because, up
until that point, I had only processed actions and thoughts as being good or evil. The sins of
my peers made me recognize my own sins. I tormented myself trying to be the perfect Christian,
which made me seclude myself from the other students. I remember being very lonely and
having mental anguish that came with every failure at being perfect, and one night I finally could

not take the internal suffering. I recall crying and praying until I fell asleep. I realized then that I
could not punish myself for being human and that true Catholicism acknowledged that humans
are not perfect but still held them to become better.
During my years from ninth to twelfth grade, my high school's title changed from Pope
John Paul II to Blessed John Paul II and finally to St. John Paul II. I, like my school's title,
experienced a change in my view of my faith. I had always blindly tried to follow the
instructions that my Catholic education taught me and continued to teach me in my high school
theology classes. Then, during my tenth grade year, I experienced a similar revelation that I had
in middle school: that the Church also has a cruel, mean side to it. This revelation happened
unexpectedly while I was vacationing with some of my relatives in Jamaica. My cousins and I
were relaxing in our little house by the ocean after swimming to an island about a quarter of a
mile in front of the house. I do not remember how the argument started, but I remember debating
until one o'clock in the morning about the corruption and instruction of the Catholic Church. The
argument barraged me with subjects that my teachers never taught me: the crusades "just"
warfare, the inquisition and corrupt popes. My cousin pointed out that one of the commandments
mandated Christians to not kill, and yet Catholicism had caused many conflicts that have
resulted in bloody violence. He argued that this commandment restricted Catholics not only from
killing in warfare but also self-defense. I tried to justify my faith, but I felt my Catholic
education betrayed me by keeping me ignorant of all these failures of the Church and only
teaching me about the "holiness" of the Church. I also felt the Church deceived me, because,
after feeling guilty for not holding up to the standards that the Church preached to her followers,
I learned that Church did not follow its own teachings. I returned to school doubting my faith and
the teachings of the Catholic Church. This revelation taught me not to aimlessly follow a

teaching without understanding the logic and reasoning it. The more I look at the incentives that
lead to some of the instructions behind the Catholic Church, the more I see that the Church is
like every other human institution, influenced by politics, money and power. The theology
classes at my school did not change this opinion and actually strengthened this opinion, because I
felt like the classes were taught from a one sided view without acknowledging the validity of
some of the points from the other side. I am still searching to find the truth because truth is the
foundation to everything that is real, and I cannot stand to settle for a lie even if the truth hurts.