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Table of Contents
1. Overview
2. Types of Abuse
3. Cycle of Violence
4. Red Flags
5. Effects on Teens
6. Lights, Camera, Action
7. Youve Got a Friend in Me
8. Safety Plan
9. Healthy Relationships
10. Information and Local Resources
11. Other
12. Resources

Overview
Teen dating violence is a pattern of behavior used to control and intimidate a teen
partner. It is about one teen using abuse to gain power and control over another person
in an intimate relationship.
It includes, but is not limited to
Yelling
Threatening
Name calling
Emotional or sexual abuse
Hitting

Teen dating violence can happen to any teenage relationship at any age. You do not
have to be dating the person to be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships can
happen between friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, ex boyfriends/girlfriends, neighbors, or
relatives. It is a pattern that is consistent and constant. It will not start out with a kick or
a punch; it will start out with a word or a look in the eye.
It can happen to anyone of any gender, age, race, and ethnicity. Nationally 1 in 3 girls
and 1 in 6 boys have reported that they are in an abusive relationship.
81% OF PARENTS ARE NOT AWARE OF THIS ISSUE, says Women Health

Types of Abuse
There are multiple types of abuse. A victim can receive one type, or many types of
abuse from the abuser.
Physical
It can be, however, not limited to:
Beating
Grabbing
Pushing
Shoving
Strangling
Throwing objects
Breaking or striking objects
Slapping
It leaves scars that can make a teen feel vulnerable to bullying. Most bruises or scars
are hidden from family and friends due to shame.
Verbal
It is language that is hurtful to listen to and intended to cause pain.
Abuser can:
Make fun of you in front of others
Point out your flaws
Tell you to shut up
Tell you that you are stupid
Manipulate you
Ignore you or stay silent
Your self-worth and self-confidence will lessen the longer that you are in an abusive
relationship.
Manipulation can look like: If you love me, you will do __________. or At least I do not
hit you.
Emotional
It is a form of physiological torment. It can be subtle or in your face. It begins with
jealousy and can isolate victims from their family, friends, hobbies, activities, and more.
The abusers insecurities makes them jealous.
Example: Your partner makes fun of you. You tell them that it hurts you and that you
would like them to stop, however they continue to do it.

Spiritual
It is when the abuser makes fun of your religion, beliefs, spirituality, and/or traditions.
They break down your spirit by making fun of your ideas, hopes, dreams, and/or
opinions.
Financial
It is when the abuser takes the victims money. Abuser starts asking the victim to cover
something. After a while the abuser will no longer ask, but demand for the victim to
cover something.
Abuser can also:
Make victim pay for everything
Demand them to cover other costs
o Demands will eventually come with threats or manipulation
Cyber/Digital
It is when the victim is tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed, or
targeted by abuser through the internet or texts.
Sexual
1/3 of girls in relationships have been pressured to do a sexual act that they were not
comfortable with. (Liz Claiborne)
Example: Once upon a time there was a 7th grader with long blond hair. On one cloudy
day, this average 7th grader met a boy. He was the same age as her and he went to the
same school. To her, he was perfect. Now 8th grade comes around and they start
talking. Her crush for him greatens while they become friends. One gloomy day, he asks
her to hang out with him. Now her parents have a rule that she has to go straight home
after school. As they are walking into a forest, she remembers a, not so good,
reputation that he has. Despite her conscience, she ignores her parents rule and his
reputation while she accompanies him into the forest. He kisses her. This action shocks
her, but she goes with it. However, a kiss was not enough to satisfy him. She hurried
home after he sexually dishonored her. She felt gross and had an icky feeling toward
him; yet she wanted to be liked.
He confronted her later and asked I thought you liked me? She realized that all
my emotions, my conscience, and my common sense had to be gone in order for her to
like him and lose the icky feeling that he gave her. Even though they were not dating,
she dressed more provocatively. When they hung out, he constantly manipulated her
with If you love me you will ______. She always did what he asked. One day he told
her that he would only date her if she let him do sexual things to her. She agreed.
Soon after she dumped him, since she saw him cheating on her with one of her friends.
Sadly her reputation was ruined when he spread rumors about what they had done.
Later on they began to talk again. He wanted their relationship to go further. He wanted
sex. She refused every time he asked. He finally gave up and dumped her.
Now they are in their first year of high school. They have spent some time apart,
but were put into the same health class. He talks to her and asks for private photos of

her. She sends them and he responds with I love you. She, however, does not feel the
same way. She tells him you really hurt me, I am not sure if I can trust you anymore.
He apologizes many times so she forgives him and tells him that she misses him. On a
dark day they walk home together. He wants to talk to her for a few minutes in the
forest. They go and he rapes her. She pushed and struggled but he wouldnt let her go.
Afterwards he told everyone about what she wanted to do.
For a very long time she hurt herself over the horrors of what happened to her.
Finally on one sunny day she decided to share her story. She felt that people should be
aware of this problem. I dont see myself as a mistake, I see myself as a strong
woman, a SURVIVOR, an ADVOCATE.
Full story can we found at www.laurashouse.org/lhteen/news/mystory

Cycle of Violence
Tension Building Phase
It is when the abuser starts to yell, argue, scream,
question, and/or accuse the victim. The victim is
walking on eggshells. They do not want to trigger
the abuser because it will lead to pain.
Explosion Phase
It is a burst into any type of abuse. The abuser
attacks you. It can happen at anytime, anywhere
and can last from a minute to a day, or a few days.
Makeup Stage/Honeymoon Phase
The abuser apologizes. They tell you Im sorry. or
Ill never do it again. The abuser will try to shift the
blame to the victim or another person so that the
relationship stays intact.
The cycle of violence is a horrible place to be.
He made me feel like I was nothing I was a big secret. I didnt tell any of my lesser
friends or my best friends or my mother. I felt that it was my fault and that everything
was the result of me being not worthy. Jessica Aranoff
BREAK THE CYCLE.

Red Flags
Every person will have a slightly different red flags list. If a red flag comes up when you
first meet the possible abuser, terminate your relationship with them quickly. It will
save you from future heartbreak.

Here are some common ones:

JEALOUSY
Possessive
Bossy
Treats people poorly
Scares you
Loses temper quickly
Attempts to manipulate you or guilt trip you
Brags about mistreating others
Says I love you too early in a relationship
Uses drugs/ consumes alcohol
Gets too serious too fast
Anger issues
Constantly moody or agitated
Disrespectful to girls/women
JEALOUSY is the number one red flag. Some think it is cute when their partner is
jealous; however, it is a sign of their insecurity.
Important Warning Signs
Controlling Behavior: at first it will seem like the abuser is concerned for the victims
safety. Abuser will get angry when the victim is late for something and will
question them. It will escalate to verbal and physical violence.
Quick Involvement: the abuser will say things like You are the only person I can talk to.
or I have never felt love like this by anyone. The abuser needs someone
desperately and will pressure the victim to commit.
Family/Friends: they will have warned you about the abuser and are concerned for you.
Unrealistic Expectations: the abuser is dependent on the victim for everything. They can
say things like If you love me; I am all you need; no one will love you like I love
you.
Isolation: the abuser tries to cut off victim from all of their resources. The abuser will
accuse the victims family and friends of causing trouble. Friends of the
opposite sex will make the abuser jealous. The victim cannot make decisions or
have friends.

Blames Others: the abuser may make a mistake and blame the victim. The abuser will
blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong. They will blame everyone,
but themselves when something goes wrong. Example: If an abuser doesnt pass
their class, they might blame their friends or the teacher.
Hypersensitivity: the abuser is easily insulted. Abuser can be set off by the slightest
remarks because they see them as personal attacks. They will get angry and rant
about what had been done to them.
Cruelty to Animals or Children: abuser punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their
pain and suffering. They might like to tease children till they cry.
Verbal abuse: the abuser will be cruel and hurtful as well as degrading, cursing, and/or
breaking down any of victims failures. They may call the victim stupid.
Past Battering: the victim may hear that the abuser was abusive in past relationships.
The abuser will tell new partner that their past victim made them hit them.
Threats of Violence: it can be any threat of physical force such as Ill slap you or will
say Everybody talks like that.
Breaking or Striking Objects: the abuser may break victims loved possessions as
punishment, but is mostly used to temporize the victim into submission. The
abuser may hit things with his fists or throw object near the victim. This shows
the abusers insecurities.
Uses Force During an Argument: the abuser may hold the victim down, physically
restraining the victim from leaving the room. The abuser may also hold the victim
against a wall.
IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO TO SOMEONE.

Effects on Teens
Girls who have reported being sexually or physically abused are more likely to smoke,
drink, use illegal drugs, and/or develop eating disorders. 61% of victims are more likely
to attempt suicide.
They include, but are not limited to:
Hopelessness
Self-harming
Substance abuse
Eating disorders
Mood swings
Suicide
Depression
Anxiety
Anti-social behaviors
And more
EFFECTS CAN LAST A LIFE TIME.

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Lights, Camera, Action

Not all villains are easily seen. Some are inside the good guys, the guys we fall in love
with. The characters in movies and tv shows are no different then people in real life.
There are good guys and there are bad guys.

Movies with Abusive Characters

Twilight - Edward is controlling over Bella. He refuses to let her see Jacob.
Gossip Gil - Chuck acts violently towards Blair. It results in her bleeding.
Everybody Loves Raymond - Deborah verbally and physically abuses Ray.
Titanic - Cal beats and controls Rose.
Nobody is Truly Perfect
Here are two examples of celebrities in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes it might seem like celebrities live perfect lives. Being beaten and
threatened is NOT living the ideal life. Rihanna was punched, bitten and yelled at
multiple times throughout her car ride home with Chris Brown. The violence all started
when Rihanna read a three page text message from a girl that Chris was having a
sexual relationship with. While punching her, he said Im going to beat the sh out of
you when we get home! You wait and see! Rihanna then called her assistant and told
her to have the police at the house when they arrived. This angered Chris and he
threatened to kill her. Chris continued to punch her, so she locked her fingers around
her neck and bent down, using her elbows to protect her face. She then attempted to
make a call with his cell phone, but he took it away and put her in a headlock. Once
they got to a stop, he began to strangle her. She almost lost consciousness. Rihanna
tried multiple times to get away from Chris and eventually screamed for help. A

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neighbor heard her cries and called the police. This was not the first time an incident
like this happened to Rihanna.
Many of you may know Sarah Hyland as Haley, the oldest sister on Modern
Family. Sarah is a victim of an abusive relationship. She was physically and verbally
abused many times throughout her relationship with actor Matthew Prokop. When she
requested a restraining order, she stated that Matthew would verbally abuse her both in
private and public. He once strangled her when they got into an argument about what
she was wearing. I was going to call the police, but he apologized, swore it would never
happen again and begged me not to call the police, so I did not, she declared. Matthew
even went to Sarahs costar on Modern Family and said that he wanted Sarah to kill
herself out of misery.
EXPERTS KNOW THAT INCEDENTS LIKE THIS ARE NOT RANDOM AND
ISOLATED. IT IS A REPETIVE PATTERN THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

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Youve got a friend in me

Friends are important to have in life. They are there for you through the best and the
worst times. Friends can be supportive. Support is what a victim in an abusive
relationship needs. They need someone to talk to, someone who will listen to them and
not judge.
Often times the friend of a victim wonders why the victim does not end the relationship
with the abuser. This is easier said then done. Leaving the abuser may not be a realistic
choice for victims. They will often experience shame and embarrassment. The abuser
has crushed the victims self esteem. They do not want people to know about the
abuser and the abuse they caused. Also, leaving does not always mean that the
violence will end. The violence will actually escalate when the victim decides to leave. In
order to get out of an abusive relationship safely, the victim needs a safety plan.
Barriers of leaving abuser:
Love
Threats
Guilt
Fear of not being loved
Reputation
Victim hopes abuser will change
Honeymoon phase (Cycle of Violence)
Victim blames themselves
Shame
Embarrassment
Isolation
Victim has no one to turn to for help
Victims of an abusive relationship often think that it is their fault that their partner is
abusing them. Victims need to be listened to. If you have a friend or know someone in
an abusive relationship, listen to them without judgment and shame. The victim needs
to be reminded that you are concerned for their mental and physical health. They need
to know that it is not their fault too.
Here are some tips on helping a friend:
Listen and be patient, knowing that they might not make a choice now
Tell them that you are concerned
Encourage them to get active again in extracurricular activities
Suggest a safety plan
Protect their privacy and confidentiality
Help them recognize the types of abuse
Give them resources
Encourage them to find someone to talk to like an adult, counselor, parent, or
someone they trust
ALWAYS SUPPORT THEM

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As a friend, you want to make sure that the victim is safe; however, also keep your own
safety in mind.
NEVER BLAME THE FRIEND FOR STAYING IN THE RELATIONSHIP.

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Safety Plan
Safety plans are very important for the victim to have. Couples break up and make up
at least 7 times. The first 72 hours after a breakup is the most dangerous. This is when
the most deaths occur.
Tips:
If an argument might escalate go to a room without sharp objects and that has
a phone, windows or doors to escape
Find a place, such as a neighbor, friend, or family members house, to call the
police
Have a support group with people that you trust and tell them what is happening
during a fight
o Make a code name for support group
Break up in public so that there are witnesses
Change your routine
Never travel by yourself
Have a cell phone on you at all times
Save any life threatening voicemails or emails
Document all incidents of abuse
Some questions to consider:
Will your support group help you when you leave abuser or call the police?
Can you safely remove weapons from your house?
Do you need a restraining order?
o LAURAS HOUSE CAN HELP YOU. As long as you are over 12 years old,
you can file restraining order without parental consent.
Where is the best and safest place that you can go?

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Healthy Relationships
It is important that people are in healthy relationships.
Three elements
Trust and honesty
Respect/admiration
Emotional and physical safety
Tips:
Your partner needs to respect you and your
individuality
You both must be honest and open
Your partner supports you and your choices even if
they disagree with you
Both have equal say and respected boundaries
They understand that your world does not revolve
around them
You can communicate your feelings without being afraid of consequences
Both feel safe and open towards each other
No jealousy or guilt towards each other
Both compliment and encourage each other to achieve your goals

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Information and Local Resources

Teen dating abuse is similar to domestic violence. Both are a pattern of abuse used to
control another person. Any relationship can be abusive.
Places like Lauras House are helpful. They can offer you:
Resources
Therapy
Counseling
Creating a safety plan
Preparing restraining orders
Arranging court accompaniment
And more
Abusive dating happens everywhere. Even in your school. A victim of abuse will not tell
anyone because of embarrassment and shame. Victims are from all walks of life, from
any part of the world, and from all economical levels in our society. Asking for help can
be scary. You might be worried that a parent, teacher, or friend might find out. Each of
these resources are confidential. No one will know that you called.
Local

OC social services: 211

SU Casa Youth Shelter: (800)-914-2272
CSP Inc. Youth Shelter: (949)-494-4311
Womens Shelter of Long Beach: (562)-437-4663
Laurel House: (714)-832-0207
Marys Shelter: (714)-730-0930
Dr. Jill Murray: a psychotherapist at 28281 Crown Valley Parkway Suite 225,
Laguna Niguel, CA 92677

National
CA Youth Crisis: (800)-843-5200
National Domestic Violence: (800)-799-7233
Victims of Crime Resource Center: (800)-842-8467
National Runaway Switchboard: 1-800-786-2929
National Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-8255
Lauras House can help with so much!
Hotline: (866)-498-1511
Counseling and resources: (949)-361-3775
Heart Chat Line: heartchat@laurashouse.org
o 1st send an email. Then wait for a response. If you need further assistance
a Lauras House advocate will get you connected to a therapist. A
therapist will get you registered and you can set up a time to talk via livevideo interfacing (i.e. Skype) or by phone.

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Dating Bill of Rights

I have the right to:
Ask for a date
Refuse a date
Suggest activities
Refuse activities regardless of my dates excitement
Tell my partner not to interrupt me
Have limits and values
Be heard
Refuse to lend money
Refuse affection
Refuse sex regardless of how expensive the date was

Call to Action
Take the pledge
I pledge:
1. To educate others on abusive relationships.
2. To offer my friends help and offer resources when they are in need.
3. Not to judge, but to listen at all time.
4. To respect, trust and value my partner.
5. To never engage in any type of abuse.
6. To speak up if I witness abuse.
7. Attend vigil for Jacque Villagomez, who died at 19 at the hands of her boyfriend.
a. The first Friday of February
8. Give this booklet to a friend
9. Send a postcard to someone in need
a. All confidential; option on laurashouse.org/lhteen

Mission Statement
Educating students to spread awareness and provide help for those affected by abuse.

Lauras House
Lauras House is an organization that educates people on domestic violence, as well as
shelter victims of domestic abuse. It is located in Orange County and its goal is to
spread awareness on this issue and stop domestic violence.

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Resources
Hilton, Perez. "Court Docs from Chris Brown's Assault on Rihanna." Perezhilton.com.
17 Feb. 2012. Web.
Presley, Marissa. "Teen Dating Abuse." Laura's House. Web.
Valenzuela, Beatrice. "Vigil to Bring Attention to Teen Dating Violence." Press
Telegram 17 Oct. 2014: 3, 7. Print.
Winston, Richard. "Actress Hyland Claims Threats from Boyfriend." Los Angeles
Times 25 Sept. 2014. Print.

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