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Daniel Pisarski and Matthew Polgar


Mrs. Denomme
AP English Lang. & Comp.
03 February 2015
The ExLaB Disciplinary Solution
It breaks our hearts to observe the struggles of our students, to watch passively as they
fail their most important classes. When they fail, these students are not only hurting themselves;
they are hurting the school which tries so desperately to provide for them.
Students who fall short of our schools expectations are wasted space in the classroom.
Funding is continually being cut to public education by greedy politicians, and classroom sizes
are increasing with no end in sight. Resources are being wasted by failing students, resources
which could be used for those students who meet our expectations. Failing students are a
distraction to hardworking students and prevent our teachers from developing connections with
students on an individual level. Truly, their presence is an impediment to the learning process.
Those students who fail their classes are also tarnishing the reputation of our school. The
reputation of our school is extremely important, especially when incoming students are deciding
which school they should attend. A school filled with students who fail many classes is not a
school that parents would be willing to send their children to. Our reputation is also crucial to
many colleges who look at the rigor of our courses and student test scores. Colleges want to see
a school filled with many like-minded, motivated, and empowered students, not a school with
students failing multiple classes.
In a larger sense, students who do not succeed in school are also not going to be
productive members of society. Businesses are looking for graduates who can adequately fulfill

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job openings, but students who cannot learn in a classroom are incapable of learning on the job.
In addition, failing many classes could result in failing high school, and no employer wants to
hire someone without a high school diploma. Failing students will surely be useless members of
society. Without jobs, they will look to other ways of scraping by, some of those on the wrong
side of the law. It is a cruel cycle that we administrators have seen too often.
Therefore, we humbly propose our resolution to this blight on our beloved school, these
students who lack the capacity to learn. We present the ExLaB Disciplinary Solution, a
revolutionary three-step process to motivate failing students who tarnish our schools reputation.
The first step can be summed up as follows: Examination. We propose that those
students who fail one semester class have the chance to redeem themselves through a demanding
test. Everyone makes mistakes in life (though most of us do not stoop as low as failing classes),
and should a student demonstrate his ability and willingness to learn, he should escape further
disciplinary action. Moreover, test-taking is among the most valuable life-skills a person can
possess, and students should not be punished if they prove they can succeed in the real world.
Of course, this cannot be a Disciplinary Solution if these students are not punished in
some way. Therefore, these Examinations will not be private events; they will be taken orally at
a pep rally scheduled for one week after final grades are submitted. To add to the anxiety, the
Examination will comprise only five questions, and each student must answer all five correctly
to escape further disciplinary action. These five questions will, of course, be difficult, and will
test each student on the subject he failed.
Other students will not be permitted to assist the failing students in preparing for the
Examinations; the failing students must prove that they can succeed without assistance. Also,

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successful students should not be hindered by exposure to failing students; they must focus on
succeeding, not on helping those who lack the desire and ability to be helped.
Many students, especially failing ones, complain that school does not prepare them for
the real world. The level of anxiety induced during the Examination will, hopefully, satisfy
students desires for real-world experiences. The world is a stressful place that is filled with
unknowns, and we will attempt to emulate it in our testing process. Everyone must determine his
own fate in an anxiety-stricken environment, where each student must sink or float based on his
own abilities. And should a student sink, should he fail the Examination, he will receive further
disciplinary action through the second step.
The second step can also be summed up in one word: Labor. Those students who fail two
semester classes or who fail their Examination should provide for the school through manual
work. Obviously, if a student is not willing to use his time in class wisely, he should not bother
being in class at all. We believe that the best way for failing students to be productive is to have
them work for the school. Rather than being a drain on the schools resources, they would be
helping to improve the scholastic experience of those who are not such failures.
Qualified students will perform Labor throughout the school day for two weeks following
the pep rally mentioned previously. Labor may consist of various duties throughout the school,
and assignment will occur at the discretion of the schools disciplinarian. We suggest the
following chores, which would ease the burden of other school workers and improve the
scholastic experience of those students who are not failures: cleaning classroom, hallway,
cafeteria floors; shoveling snow during winter; scrubbing desks; washing pots, pans, dishes in
the kitchen; preparing food for lunch; generating electricity through physical exertion. With a

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diligent workforce cleaning and maintaining our school, we will stand as a shining example to
other schools in the district.
Many might object to this Labor, and rightly so, for it is not strictly discipline.
Certainly, many failures might actually enjoy shoveling snow and preparing food, and thus there
would be no motivation for them to succeed in their classes. We therefore propose that all
failures perform their Labor with paper cuts between all of their fingers. Paper cuts will be
administered using all of the tests that each failure failed in his classes, thus reminding him of
why he must perform Labor. We believe that these reminders will serve as adequate discipline
and will motivate students to not fail so immensely.
The final step is the most crucial: Beheading. If a student is so dull as to fail three or
more semester classes, he should be publicly executed. Obviously, if a failure refuses to use his
brain in a productive manner, he doesnt need it. We propose, therefore, that a guillotine be
erected outside of the Commons and adjacent to the flagpole. These two constructs flagpole
and guillotine will represent the fundamental principles of our school: freedom and success.
The guillotine is, of course, among the most humane forms of execution. Electric chairs
and euthanasia can induce extreme pain when implemented improperly, and such brutality would
tarnish the prestigious reputation of our school. On the other hand, removing the useless brain
from a failure is a painless procedure. We acknowledge that some may object to the guillotine,
stating that parents might want their failures head attached to his body for his wake. We assure
you, however, that those parents who were not active in their failures educational lives will not
care much in their failures educational demises.
Beheadings will occur immediately following the pep rally mentioned previously,
concluding a day of school spirit and festivities. They will be open to the public, so everyone in

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the community may witness the conclusion of the failures lives. In the absence of the useless
failures, we envision our school operating more effectively and efficiently than ever before.
These three steps Examination, Labor, and Beheading combine to form the ExLaB
Disciplinary Solution. The benefits of ExLaB are numerous, and, we believe, far outweigh any
petty objections which could be presented.
First, and most obviously, ExLaB will motivate students to succeed in their classes. Its
main purpose is, of course, to discipline those students who fail to meet our expectations, and we
have already shown how effective it is in this respect. Nobody enjoys discipline, and thus our
proposed methods are certain to reduce the number of failures that tarnish our schools
reputation.
Secondly, ExLaB will strengthen ties within the school and the community. Pep rallies
are an excellent way to boost school spirit and strengthen student-student ties. At the same time,
the executions will be a perfect time for the surrounding community to gather and form bonds
over a common interest. With ExLaB, our school and the surrounding city will become a more
welcoming, more successful, and more refreshing place to be.
Thirdly, ExLaB will lessen the burden of failing students on the schools resources. In
the second step of the disciplinary program, failing students will provide for the school and not
the other way around, allowing the school to focus its resources on more hardworking and
promising pupils. In the third step, resource hogs are removed from the system entirely,
shrinking classroom sizes and allowing teachers to interact with successful students on a more
personal level. Such optimizations can only benefit the students whose futures are in our hands.
Fourthly, students who are somewhat lacking are given the chance to redeem themselves
in ExLaB. Failing a class is among the most shameful offenses imaginable at school, making the

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failure worthy of reproach from students and staff alike. But in the first step of ExLaB, students
who fail a class are given the opportunity to redeem themselves to their classmates and teachers.
This is a merciful second chance which is not available in alternative disciplinary systems.
Fifthly, ExLaB will create exciting new opportunities for biology and psychology classes.
With a fresh supply of dissection objects each semester, biology students could get an in-depth,
hands-on look at the human anatomy. And of course, the brains of these objects would be well
suited for analysis in psychology classes or, even, a new neuroscience class. This extra
curriculum would be extremely beneficial to our students, giving them a leg up in medical fields
for college and beyond. Without ExLaB, such amazing opportunities could never be provided.
Countless other benefits could be listed, but we will abstain from doing so for the sake of
brevity. Nevertheless, it is obvious that ExLaB is an effective solution to our schools failure
problem.
Despite our confidence in ExLaB, we are not so arrogant as to dismiss any other proposal
which could be as efficient and effective. However, let no one suggest frivolous and impractical
solutions such as an established student tutoring system; other students are far too busy to bother
assisting their peers. Forget reducing class sizes and tailoring lessons to individual students;
such an endeavor is far too costly. Do not suggest more parent involvement and strengthened
family ties; society is moving away from such pointless notions. Never speak of modifying
curriculum to keep students engaged; real world topics have no place in the classroom. And
finally, dismiss the concept of a system which places less emphasis on grades; they are the only
way to assess students aptitudes. Again, we are willing to consider any proposals which prove
to be as effectual as ExLaB, but foolish suggestions need not be mentioned.

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Currently, however, we have the fullest confidence in the ExLaB Disciplinary System.
And since, surely, there must be no objections to its contents, we expect it to be executed
immediately.